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How many times should I ask myself a question before I realise that I have
About two years ago, I posted this question on here - [Link](Mouse over link to see full location). My point of view has changed since then. The "bad" news, if you can really call it that, is that I view myself worse now than I did when I asked that question originally. I am not vocal to people that I know about my desire not to allow myself to move on, but I don't deserve to. At all. I deserve to die, and I am now looking at ways to die without anyone blaming anyone. If I commit suicide, I know people will blame themselves and I don't want that at all. I don't mind people hating me. In fact, I don't see why more people don't hate me and it's starting to annoy the living daylights out of me. It is really getting on my nerves when someone tells me I have potential to be good. It is starting to anger me that people are encouraging me to move on and live a better life.
I have attended the offending related programme I was ordered to, and learned a lot from it. According to the psychometric testing, I improved in every area except one, which is my self-esteem. For some stupid reason, staff at the probation office I visited believed I should move on. I went through their core programme and did very well in that. I went through their relapse prevention programme and did very well in that, albeit as a relapse prevention programme, and not as the "Better Life" programme they advertise it as. I have volunteered for two and a half years and this has only kept me out of the house on a daily basis. It has not proven to me to be a soul-inspiring time. It hasn't enforced some positive outlook. Although it has shown me that nothing I can do will ever repay the evil I have done.
Basically, I've asked myself why I should move on for almost four years in total and have always known that I shouldn't. I've asked why I deserve to have this great life, this nice job, nice house, this positive future that people say I "deserve", and the truth is I don't, and I know this. Yet I find myself questioning whether I really do know it. I can always say I categorically do, but can never say that I categorically don't, just that I "might not know for certain". How many more times do I need to ask myself before I accept that I'm right and that I don't deserve to move on and that every person I have worked with is a complete moron?
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I looked at your previous message. It seemed to me that you didn't feel a person deserved to live if having committed the crimes you stated. So I don't see how anything has gotten worse now... at least I don't see the connection. A low self esteem needs a good psychologist take help you discover what events in your life happened that caused you to feel this way. I don't know what all you received if anything in the form of treatment to change and improve that which is bothering you deep down inside that you aren't even aware of. I looked up what wikipedia had to say about psychometrics. The psychometrics testing you mentioned is not a possible cure. It is only a measuring "theory" applied to try to analyse a persons behavior. THis isn't set up to discover the underlying problem that started you down this path. I've recently read a book by a psychologist who learned of the CBT method of working with patients and got more results, fasters results and total cures for people with all sorts of supposed psychiatric issues that were only supposed to have meds to fix them. YEs, it's mostly about depressions and anxieties but in all cases, it was how someone interpreted an action or words towards them and their resulting distorted thoughts and emotions attached to those thoughts that caused problems in life for them. So I highly suggest you check out this website and maybe ask for a referral to a Dr. who uses CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) in your area. If anything can get to the root of your issues, when they started, there's a good chance of helping you to gain a healthy self esteem.
Now as to the issue of whether a person deserves to live for their bad actions is a sticky situation and much of how people will decide, I believe is based on what their spiritual beliefs are.
If you believe the basic CHristian beliefs that we all get only one chance to get it right in our current life and accept Jesus and get his forgiveness of our sins so we can go to Heaven instead of Hell, many humans feel their crimes are so bad that they don't deserve forgiveness. They abused, hurt, killed someone, messing up anothers life or ending that life too soon so they didnt have a chance to get right with Jesus. I know the beliefs, I used to attend church. I still believe in God, Jesus and Holy Spirit but with a different twist now, basically that we all reincarnate, that you've lived lives before and will live more lives after this current one. That put a whole new spin on my life, and the pressures of messing up aren't as heavy or impossible to live with.
Imagine the planet earth is one giant school created for the training and spiritual growth of souls. You may not believe this, but If something inside you says to take a look at this belief, I think it could turn around your life.If you could look at what you've done, as flunking on a test at school so you need to learn and experience more to get a passing grade to move on to the next grade eventually, it makes more sense.
Just think, if every kid who screwed up at least once in school thought they didn't deserve to continue on as a student and checked out of school/dropping out, then all schools at all levels would be entirely empty. Thats what happens when someone commits suicide, feeling for some reason they should no longer be allowed to live, so they check out of their current life too early before they have a chance to really learn something and make some good changes with their life.
The big day for me was when I came to believe in reincarnation. Instead of the one life to get it right, God shared with me that we get many chances to pass each soul grade level on earth.
Think again of real school. It has basic subjects for you to master before you move to a higher grade level. Same for souls. So while one may learn one subject but fail on the rest, it doesnt mean you are bad, or unteachable, untrainable. In souls life, it means you may have learned some things but not all to pass a grade, so next life you work on the rest of it. Of course we aren't forced to go through the learning/schooling process either because God gave us each a will which He will not take away. This means if a soul skates thru life not learning a single thing, he will have to repeat the next life at the same level. Say you're entering 10th grade but you run away from school, drop out. Its hard to get a job without HS diploma so theres another chance with GED. God is all about more chances. He doesnt condemn us as student souls, only we condemn our selves and don't beleive we deserve to live, to have more chances, no matter what we have done. I will be praying that your angels are able to get through to you to give you hope. Even if you don't feel you're at a point to be involved in some religious or spiritual belief system, that is okay too. But the belief in reincarnation is what helped me to forgive my ex for many years of abuse. I needed the hardship and struggle in my life to grow spiritually and without that pressure and opposition, I wouldn't have had the chance to learn and grow. With that in mind, it means someone has to be the fall guy, the bad guy. Like Judas in the bible. But Jesus forgave Judas, it was a necessary part of Judas's learning and growth in life. However, Judas could not forgive himself and ended his own life. He didn't have to, neither do you. It is your very beliefs currently that hold you back from moving on with this life, your belief that you don't deserve to move on. Yes, you've interfered in others lives, damaging/hurting them, maybe even killing. You don't need to receive forgiveness from family of those you've harmed to be set free to continue on, you only need to forgive yourself. Learning to forgive you is perhaps what other souls need to go through. Depending on their belief system, they may not be able to do so either. This is probably too much for you to deal with but I can only share advice from my own life and perspectives. So if this isnt a help to you, I am sorry but i still wish you peace. If you would like to talk to me some more to help sort thru your beliefs, I'd be willing to listen to what else you have to share that you might not yet have done so.
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I don't know if you will accept what I'm about to say but I will say it anyway. Whether you accept what I say or not I do suggest you take advantage of the National Health system you have and book some time with a psychologist to work on your self-esteem-problems and some other issues you have.
You are correct what you have done can never be undone. You were also a child at the time, you turned yourself in and you have paid your debt to society. Paying your debt to society absolves you of your crimes in the eyes of the law. You on the other hand seem to refuse to allow yourself to be absolved of what your guilt.
This speaks volumes about just who your are. You have been given a second chance which would be a terrible waste if you were to kill yourself. The fact that your crime was a sex crime does not mean you can't use what you did to benefit the community just as some other criminals use their past to benefit community.
You do not say just what your crime was and I'm not going to guess at it. But you can help to keep others from committing sex crimes by speaking to other young men and warning them about such things as date rape. When consent is not really consent such as when a girl is drunk. Those and other things that can get a guy in trouble are things you may be able to talk about and what it was like to go through the criminal justice system because you made one mistake.
Yes you may have had multiple victims but I'm betting in the eyes of the judge he or she saw one mistake or you would be in jail. Peer to peer counseling is a very strong influence. Teenage boys and young men very often let the wrong head do their thinking as you may very well know. This is what you can talk about and hopefully keep others from committing a crime that could ruin their lives.
In the eyes of societies like ours. When you pay your debt to society all is suppose to be forgiven . Forgiving yourself is much different. Take your guilt and turn it for good to benefit your community. You can start by asking the police and probation department where telling your story may be useful in preventing young men from committing the same type of crime or other types of sex crimes.
This very well could be the reason you have been given this second chance.
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