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Should I move back to my hometown?
My husband is in the military and after 13 years he is separating due to medical reasons. He wants to move back to our hometown to be near both of our families, primarily his mother and aunt. Well, I am hesitate. I didn't have the best childhood due to both of my parents being alcoholics. They both still drink heavily and can get violent and emotional when doing so. My oldest brother still lives in the area and drinks excessively as well. To top it off, my sister-in-law and her husband live about an hour away and love to drink and party and are somewhat open swingers. Their sexually active 15 year old daughter is free to do as she pleases and their 12 year old son is often left on his own. While I respect my husband for wanting to be near his mother and his disabled aunt, I am having a hard time dealing with the fact of being near the rest of our family. While it would be nice to be near family, this is not the situation I have envisioned. I don't want our children thinking drinking excessively and having multiple partners is okay. Should I accept the fact we are moving back and deal with the situation as it comes or continue trying to talk my husband into moving somewhere else?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Talk to him. Give him logical and true reasons as to why you are hesitant for moving. Maybe he will understand.
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Talk to your husband. He may want to be near his family, but he is only thinking of himself. Studies show that the #1 thing that effects how kids turn out is what neighborhood they grow up in. Isn't that interesting? You would think it would be how loving you are as a parent, but that is not the case. Neighborhood is the most important thing. Explain this to your husband, and try to get him to understand.
Best of luck from moi to you,
Miss Piggy
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I can see why you want to protect your kids from negative influences in your family. If you do decide to move back to your hometown, however, one comforting thought is that kids are really more perceptive than you think. Just because they see someone behaving drunkenly or being nonmonogamous doesn't mean they will assume that that's the right way to behave for them. They will likely run into people like that eventually on their own, but your having the chance to be beside them to talk to them about your values makes it a guided learning experience rather than just being thrust into "the world" with no knowledge of what's out there.
If it's too much for you to be around, remember it's amazing how much easier it gets to avoid family members as you get older and have a family. Get the kids involved in things outside the house, activities and events where even if relatives would show up, they wouldn't show up drunk. If your family takes offense that you're spending more time with your husband's family, it might be possible to gently explain what influences you do and don't want around your kids, and they may find it worth sacrificing a few drinks to respect your wishes and see the kids.
Good luck!
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Maybe you could try to reach a compromise with your husband. Rather than moving back to your home town you could perhaps find a beautiful location in your home STATE within a 1 1/2 to 2 hour driving distance. This should deter your not so desirable relatives to be in close contact but close enough to visit his mother and aunt often. Another option might be to discuss the possibility of relocating his mother and aunt to be closer to you. I think you have a very valid concern about your family and I do not recommend making the move and then trying to deal with the fallout. Many good marriages have been lost this way. I would try to reach a suitable compromise but I would put my foot down on moving back to the actual town where they live. Your children could be greatly affected by this move. You have to make your husband understand their welfare has to come first. Good luck!
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don't move unless you want to be a full time mum. watching all your kids movement. again you must create a relationship with you kids let them know they can tell you anything. so that when there going wrong you will know. you have to educate about sex, drinking and all those things because they will still learn about them whether from you or their friends but it would be better if they learn from you. and when you are discussing with them about this things let them know they are addictive so it would be best if they just stay away. again when you telling them about this things make sure you don't hide anything with a lie so they will have no reason to doubt your words
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this is soo great that i got this question because i went through this same thing....
so you could go both ways with this. talk him into leaving on you guys own being adults and just relying on each other. But sometimes things happen for a reason maybe your going back there to talk some smart into that little girl head or into her parents even if its not your place you still have a voice put it to work. the drinking part.. where you will be living tell them " i dont want alcoholic beverages brought to my home" and if you drink tell them you will bring alcohol if you want to drink that day... tell them dont come over wasted when you are trying to have a serious talk but dont say it how im saying it they might take it as wrong but say it as nice as possible
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From what you're telling me, you've got a pretty toxic situation. Have you talked with your husband about your concerns?
It would be one thing if your husband were the sole support for his mother and aunt. How much does his sister do for them? Is she completely unreliable, or can she be counted on to step in when they need something? Do his mother and aunt have a support structure (friends, neighbors, etc.)? Is it essential to their well-being that your family move to where they are?
Ultimately, your kids should be the primary concern. If you don't want them around violent alcoholics and irresponsible polyamorists, then either don't move there at all or else cut out those members of the family. You are entirely justified in denying them access to your home and your kids. The fact that they are related to you does not give them the right to make you or your kids feel unsafe.
Hope this helps.
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That highly depends. How old are your children, if you have any yet? They need to be taught there's a difference between right and wrong, as they'll likely be encountering people who drink excessively/have multiple partners in their own life.
If you feel like they're going to harm or abuse the children in any way, don't go and try to work things out with your husband.
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It is not just your husband moving so should not be just your husband's decision. Maybe write up a list of the pros and cons of moving back and go over them as a couple. Think of some alternatives that may appeal to both of you. Is there maybe a middle ground such as moving to somewhere just outside of your hometown? Far enough away that you won't see your family very often but close enough that it will be just a short distance for him to see his family.
Try to remember that you are a team, it's not a his decision or her decision but a combination of both your needs should be met.
Hope that helps.
Good luck :)
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I personally would see no problem with being in the same town as someone I did not want to see. In the past, I've had family I did not enjoy spending time with for various reasons and just chose to not go visit or accept invitations.
If you have the type of family who would invite themselves over without notice and show at your doorstep, then I agree that living several towns away might be best so its inconvenient for them to do so.
No matter where you live, your children will come to know of the issues other relatives deal with, at some point. Proximity to where these relatives lives is not going to make a difference. Even if no relatives has such issues, plenty other people in their world that they'll come into contact with, will.
So what your children are going to think about life choices is entirely up to what you teach them such as in your statement: I don't want our children thinking drinking excessively and having multiple partners is okay.
In marriage there should be compromise so I vote for talking it out with him and coming up with a location that is satisfactory for all.
Considering your upbringing, having drunk relatives to deal with could be very stressful to you. Your husbands decision should include how it will affect you and your children and make some precautionary decisions while at the same time bringing him closer to be able to visit mom and auntie.
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I agree with you that moving back to the old home town is probably not a good idea. I think it is admirable of your husband that he wants to be near his mother and Aunt so he can care for them; he also has to think about you and his children. Exposing his children to your family is not the best parenting option available to him.
I would like to suggest an alternative. This alternative option is made not knowing just where in the country you will be relocating to so it may not be applicable. Is it possible to move to a town or to the next state over that is within a reasonable driving time from there to his mother and Aunt. A reasonable driving time could be anywhere from 30 to 60 minutes away.
As a retired volunteer firefighter I can tell you that in certain emergencies you are never close enough. So I recommend to all to take comfort in the fact that we in the emergency services will do all possible to care for your loved one and get them to a doctor.
It is better in any medical emergency to rely on the 911 system to respond and care for your families emergency and to treat them while enroute to a hospital. We can do so better and faster than you can even if you live next door.
With the above in mind moving a town or two away that is within a reasonable, to your husband, driving distance to his mother and Aunt. Seems like a good compromise. He is close enough that it is not a hardship to drive over and see them. Yet far enough away that your children are not exposed to your family.
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Wow...The total sacrifice should not be on you alone. Is it possible for you and your husband to compromise? Seems like being too close will poison your kids and strike resentment in you which would poison your marriage. Maybe move CLOSER, but not in the same town? Perhaps by making it a bit inconvenient for your family to visit, may make their influence less threatening.
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I think it would be selfish to ask your husband NOT to be near his mother... You can voice your concerns, of course, but don't try to talk him out of it. Make a plan, instead.
You could live farther out from the area, but close enough he could easily drive to see his mom and aunt... an hour, maybe? Even half an hour out will remove you enough from the area that you have an excuse to NOT see your family, while your husband can still easily see his.
Or perhaps, instead, you need to tell YOUR family to stay away, since they are the problem. Or just don't tell them that you're coming to town, and if/when they find out, you tell them to stay away. I would assume that you don't really speak to them much as it is, given that you're not fond of them.
While it can be very daunting to have to confront people like that, you have to consider the implications to your family. If you don't want your children influenced by them, then you have to take a stand. It's really quite doable. My dad lives 15 minutes from me and we haven't spoken in over a year, now, because he's a stoner, a drunk, and I've never been fond of him.
There are many courses of action, here. Try to see them all and figure out a compromise for you and your husband.
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Speak to your husband and voice your concerns. Depending on how often your husband wants to see his mother and aunt it could be possible to move within striking distance so that he would travel a few hours to see them every couple of weeks. If he wants to see them more often and potentially help take care of his aunt then maybe you should consider moving somewhere larger and having them come stay with you.
It's also possible to live close to your family and not have them so involved in your lives that they influence you and your kids, but that is up to you and how much you let them be a part of your family. Remember that just because your children witness this behaviour it doesn't mean they will think it is ok, especially if you have taught them otherwise.
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Juliet here. I think, you should talk to your husband. He should be your best friend, so it should be somewhat effortless to have a talk with him. To me, and it's just me, it sounds like you're only thinking of yourself here, although you brought up your children. Have you thought about telling your family, look, I respect how you guys are, but don't act like this or do this in front of my children, or you will not see them. They're YOUR kids. As for your husband wanting to see his mother, it's very importnant to be near family. And usually, husbands are right about big choices like this. Maybe you should consider, doing this. Afterall, it's not going to be forever.
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I understand where you are coming from. My family consists of alcoholics and drug users, when they get drunk they fight. The majority of the policemen in town know my family by name. All of my 4 sisters had children when they were not ready, with guys that don’t want the responsibility. I’m the only one who didn’t do any of those things because I saw how their loves turn out. I’m always scared to bring friends over. I never tell them about my boyfriends or him about them either because I am embarrassed. I worry about what he would think.
What I think you should do is talk to your husband about your concerns. He’s your husband not your boyfriend. He should know a little something about your family already. If you do decide to move back, limit your contact with your family and make yourself or your kids seem busy. Join some classes or volunteer so when they ask to hang out or see you, you’ll have an excuse.
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