Question Posted Friday September 30 2005, 11:26 pm
i'm a male, over 20, alone as hell.
i've never been able to get a girlfriend, i've tried and tried.
it seems like some crule cycle with me, meet a girl, ask her out a couple of times, start to like her and suspect she likes me too, try to be there for her and everything, try to move things up a notch, get the "you're such a good/nice/fabulous guy, i just wanna be friends" routine. Then i'll let go of how i feel as much as posible and try being "just friends", then she picks up the biggest jerk known to mankind and i get to sit across the table watching them make out (TORTURE, for those who care). then the arshole will proceed to cheat on her, she's crushed, i have to listen to all the bullshit and cheer her up, only to find her back with the butthead a week later, then a month later he'll cheat on her AGAIN...
by the third time this happens i simply fuck off, cause she's still won't go out with me and she keeps on going back to the total jerk and every month i have to be there for her.
WHAT THE FUCK, girls always tell me what a "NICE GUY" i am and the friendship crap, but why won't they go out with me.
I'm starting to accept that i'll die alone and bitter, and am starting to avoid woman totally.
I just don't know what to do, i'm really starting to lose it with woman.
I'm over 20 and i haven't even kissed a girl yet. WTF?!!!!!!!!!!!!
should i just kill myself now instead of becoming a full blown alcoholic?
should i try to like guy's more, and simply go gay?
at least i get alot of attention from gay guys trying to chat me up at bars, though im not gay. but women.......FUCK
i need advice please.
Additional info, added Saturday October 1 2005, 4:48 am: thanks, i apreciate all the advice. i'll try some of them.. Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category? Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life? Tulipg17 answered Wednesday May 3 2006, 7:44 pm: Gee, I wonder why?
Seriously, you need to calm down, relax, and stop obsessing over getting a girlfriend. I know that can't be the sole focus of your life. Get out there and start enjoying your life as a single man with friends and interests. You can't look for love, it finds you. You seriously just have to wait and relax. DO NOT pressure a woman into a relationship, just hang out and have a good time and I promise you it'll happen. You are clearly trying too hard and overly concerned about this. Tell yourself that you will not even try to date anyone until after Christmas or something, and will spend your free time going out with your friends and under NO circumstances will you cultivate any interest you might feel for a woman that you might meet. I bet you anything you'll see a difference in your social life. [ Tulipg17's advice column | Ask Tulipg17 A Question ]
kevin1986 answered Saturday October 29 2005, 4:24 pm: Wow dude. Join the club. I've done more than you, but that doesn't make me any happier. I think the secret is be nice, rather built and rich. Then when you're 40 and they're 25, then they want us. I've never thought about turning gay though. Dudes aren't the answer. Be cool, you can always catch up on sex later in life. [ kevin1986's advice column | Ask kevin1986 A Question ]
MsAskMe answered Monday October 10 2005, 9:03 pm: Most girls don't realize how much more the "Nice Guys" mean in real settled down life. A nice guy can give a girl a much better life than any "bad boy" ever could. The day will come when they all see this. There will be a time when they wished they had you instead of the one they chose. I have seen this happen so many times, that I know it is true. The bad boys always turn out bad, and mostly self-centered.
After reading what you have written, I can see that you are much more mature than the girls you are asking out. You could ask slightly older women out, or enjoy being single and have a good life while waiting on girls your age to mature and look for a good guy.
When a girl says that she wants to be friends, you can agree, but I suggest looking elsewhere. Don't torture yourself by watching her date a loser. You deserve better than that.
I hope this will help you, and I wish only the best for you in life. And may you meet a woman who loves you truly now and forever for the great person you are.
XoNeLLiE143oX answered Sunday October 2 2005, 9:33 pm: well, if you like guys, then yes go gay, but dont kill yourself. the right person will come along one day and when they do theyll bring so much happiness into your life, youll decide that it was definitly worth the wait. dont worry, theres still hope! hope i helped!
*rate* [ XoNeLLiE143oX's advice column | Ask XoNeLLiE143oX A Question ]
MsGolightly answered Sunday October 2 2005, 4:31 am: I realize you've probably gotten all the advice you need, but here's another point of view.
I used to date a bad boy, who treated me like crap & really hurt me several times, but I kept going back to him - including ruining a relationship with a really amazing guy because of it.
However, every girl interested in guys has to have the Bad Boy phase. Some part of our wacked-out, illogical mindset thinks we can change him, tame him, whatever. We'll deny it, but it's true.
Deep down, we DO want a Prince Charming. We do want the really sweet guy that'll be there. We just probably don't know it yet.
froggy1983 answered Sunday October 2 2005, 2:01 am: No, you should definitely not kill yourself or become a full blown alcoholic or become gay. If Girls always tell you that you're a nice guy then that's good. Stay that way, because sooner or later some girl is going to be looking for a nice guy instead of a bad guy and you will be that guy. Just keep looking for a girl and I am sure you will find her soon. Keep your head up. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you. [ froggy1983's advice column | Ask froggy1983 A Question ]
Xfoxcutie09X answered Saturday October 1 2005, 6:23 pm: dont just go after one gurl. go after several at one time that way when one of them hooks up with some one u still got more you can go after. if you do go afer just one girl and shes goin out with someone else and they r cheatin on her then tell her she could do much better and that if she was with you, you wouldnt cheat on her. tell her you feel sorry for her and all but the guy shes goin out with is a jerk. i hope i helped. [ Xfoxcutie09X's advice column | Ask Xfoxcutie09X A Question ]
karenR answered Saturday October 1 2005, 3:39 am: I don't know if this will help any or not. Its worth a shot I guess!
I have been told by some men friends that the best way to get a girls attention is to ignore her completely. They claim they get real interested then. Go figure.
I'm guessing you are just not picking the right girl. Shes out there somewhere. Keep looking, and good luck! Sorry this wasn't much help. :)
PS. My hubby isn't interested in any women at work but has several who are friends like you describe. Always whinning to him about their boyfriends. He has a name for himself you might like. He calls himself the "hairholder". You know they puke up their guts and he holds the hair out of their face. Ah, it isn't funny when you write it out. Tried to make you laugh. :) [ karenR's advice column | Ask karenR A Question ]
autumn answered Saturday October 1 2005, 3:20 am: ok...don't get yourself down! there is a girl out there waiting for you, but you just havn't met her yet. although you may really like this girl that is getting cheated on, try to experience new relationships.....don't base everything on "getting kissed" try to find someone with a same interest or feeling.....be yourself and try to hold your head up high....don't come to love because love will come to you! [ autumn's advice column | Ask autumn A Question ]
LiL_Tasha76 answered Saturday October 1 2005, 2:45 am: well...this seems a lil crazy..i doubt you wanna hear just tell her how you feel...so ill tell you somethin differnt..you may not have kissed a girl yet..barley any girlfrineds but thats not what life is about...people always say its about boys/girls frineds an marriage..but ya know its now it most def. not..so i just say live your life the best you can an you know you will find someone soon...if you realli like this girl just all i have to say is tell her...tell how she shoudnt go back to him...and be there for her but not as much because you dont wanna be a good frined more as a boyfirned...oh yeah an also tell her she looks nice..but not alot..only some days...dont forget to menchin details about you how you could be a good boyfriend but do not say its you..just describe yourself in momeents when she is upset...well i really hope i could of helped...get back to me if it worked or you like my advice!!! [ LiL_Tasha76's advice column | Ask LiL_Tasha76 A Question ]
sunnyville answered Saturday October 1 2005, 1:41 am: I mean life can be so harsh on those who deserve to be happy I mean when Iam very into a guy then I find were not meant to be it hurts me it's either because they have someone or they don't notice how I feel towards them or other reasons but I handle it,keep trying to find the guy,I say to myself I have to have hope,and I keep trying.It's understandable that you want to give up on women but killing yourself is not the way people that died didn't want to die even when people say it they don't mean it. Don't choose to drink alcohol or kill yourself that won't solve anything. But if you decide to be intersted in guys or keep trying with woman well you decide for what you want to do with your life choose what's best for you.Hopefully you find that one person to share your dreams,hopes,and happiness I wish you all the luck! [ sunnyville's advice column | Ask sunnyville A Question ]
GDROB answered Saturday October 1 2005, 1:05 am: No need to swear we get you loud and clear. If it matters my friend, I have the same situation and I am seven years older than you. Does this make us losers, HELL NO. What it makes us is unconfident in the qualities we possess and not sure how to interact with women as well as we can. Both of us are good catches and no, you need not turn gay (laughter)
Quit trying to date her for one thing. She's offering you friendship. Take it. In the long run by being her confidant you learn things nobody else can teach you but a woman frustrated. Take mental notes on what not to do with women from her. You will need these later as most women do not come with a "Complete Moron's Guide To Girls, Women and Why The Act Like Their Mothers?"
That is another thing befriend the mom, see the baby pictures and never piss mom off in any fashion. She will be more than happy to tell you if she thinks you are the "nice boy" type her daughter ought to date rather than the ass behind door number one her daughter chose she will push for you and tell you what makes the daughter tick. Again, take mental note.
Next, sure the boyfriend is a dick. What else is new here? The key and crucial thing I learned the hard way is to LET HER BITCH AS MUCH AS SHE WANTS BUT SAY NOTHING. WHY? well let's just say if you say anything bad about her boyfriend or how she relates to him you are SCREWED TIMES TWO. BOTH WILL HATE YOU. Instead listen to her gripe and moan and take notes in your head on HOW NEVER TO TREAT A WOMAN 101.
It may be you never get to date her. With billions of people on the planet you and I will find the right one. It may take a while but relax. She is after all a girl and can give you pointers on how to act with a girl or get a date. Get her to fix you up with a friend of hers who is like you. It can work out. And do not be too pushy trying to make stuff happen let it unfold. Get to know people and get the courage to ask for a date too.
The NICE GUY/BROTHER/JUST A FRIEND BS LINE OF ALL TIME is so cliched. All it means is "I AM NOT INTERESTED IN YOU NOT NOW NOT EVER YUCK AND BLANK OFF (THE LATTER WHEN YOU TRIED TOO MANY DAMN TIMES)
Dude, she's not into you so find someone who is. As for mixed signals we all send them. Understand though hair twirling can be boredom and foot tapping too and smiling if you caught her in the same direction may mean nothing either. A girl who likes you will make it known if you don't get what she is doing. Then they give up.
DangerWench answered Saturday October 1 2005, 12:49 am: I know it sounds corny, but try an internet personals site. My husband and I met on one, and we have been married for nearly 9 years now. We were 26 at the time.
If you do place an ad, be honest about what you are looking for in a girl. If you want her to have certain moral values, say so. If you want her to be smarter than average, say so. Sure, you'll get fewer responses if you are brutally honest, but the responses you do get will be targeted and won't be as likely to waste your time.
Let your REAL personality show through in your ad. If you put on a fake persona, you'll both end up disappointed, as nobody can keep up a fake persona for long... It's not fair for either of you.
I think hubby had maybe 2 people answer his ad and it was up for over a year. (of course that was 9 years ago and the internet wasn't quite as well trafficked as it is now!) I was one of those people who answered his ad, and the other was a feminist railing on him because he expected too much of a woman (his ad said he wanted a Christian virgin with a high IQ, who understood that diamonds are a scam, etc...) But here we are, married nearly 9 years later.
Ok, change of subject:
The kind of girl you are attracted to can sometimes make it harder to find a good one. For instance, "hot" babes have a much higher percentage of being flakes, gold-diggers, selfish, and shallow. (not all of them, of course, but the good ones are usually long taken) I've seen some guys who have complained about not being able to find a nice, loyal girl... But in the same breath would be like "Oh, I wouldn't date HER, she's fat!" So sometimes shallow begets shallow.
Or some guys are attracted to wild, dangerous girls, and then are surprised when the girls run around and cheat on them wildly and dangerously.
I'm not saying you have any of those problems, as you didn't mention being restricted to any particular type of girl and only wanting to date that type, I just thought I would mention it in case anybody reading this answer might be helped by it. ;-) [ DangerWench's advice column | Ask DangerWench A Question ]
tasuki answered Saturday October 1 2005, 12:31 am: Okay, first of all calm down. What I have to say might seem a little harsh, but it's the best I've got. And I actually have a lot to say about this.
First of all...your life does not revolve around dating. You don't NEED a woman to make you a complete person. And just because you don't have a girlfriend does not mean you are alone. Look around you. You are part of this universe, you are never alone. And you can only be bitter if you CHOOSE to be bitter. If you choose to be happy, you will be fine.
Now, perhaps the problem is the girls you are going after. If they are all the type to go out with bad boys who cheat on them, maybe you need a different type of girl. Not all girls are like that, you know. Go to new places to meet people.
It might also be because you are too slow. Perhaps when you first start talking to these girls, they start to have a crush on you. But after a while, they start thinking "This guy only wants to be my friend." and then that is how they think of you.
Remember that these are only POSSIBLE situations, they might not be what's really going on. I'm not a psychologist.
Don't kill yourself, it isn't worth it!
Don't become an alcoholic. That is just another way of killing yourself.
Don't go gay. You can't go gay. If you like a guy and want to experiment dating a guy, then go ahead. But you can't "go gay" if you are heterosexual. That's repressing your emotions and it's the same thing as when a gay person forces themself to act straight just so other people don't realize they're gay. But you might be gay and not know it yet. I guess you can't know until you try. Guy on guy is hot, also. Maybe some girl will see you making out with a guy and think that you are off limits, and thus more attractive. MAYBE.
Like I said, it's not worth losing your life over. If the dating scene doesn't work out for you, spend some time in the wilderness and become one with the universe. Get enlightened. You could be the next Buddha. Or Jesus. Or Ralph Waldo Emerson. Or Eminem. Whatever. Good luck. [ tasuki's advice column | Ask tasuki A Question ]
HectorJr answered Saturday October 1 2005, 12:07 am: Take it easy, and don't go gay...Don't go looking for love, love will find you. More often than not, if you search for it, you'll go through everything before you find it.
No offence, but personally I don't like the term 'nice guy'. Why? Because its not the same to you as it would be to a bunch of girls or a bunch of other guys. To some girls, being a nice guy = being a push over and too easy. Other girls think being a nice guy = the man of your dreams. You've had your share of bad luck and failed attempts, but that doesn't mean theres anything wrong with you.
Maybe you should change your approach. Instead of looking for lets say, a girlfriend, look for a friend who is a girl...which is actually how most relationships start out. If you are friends with them for a longer time, you'll know how they act and what they are like and see if they are right for you - which is only half of the equation, because they'll do the same thing by fidning out if you are right for them. If they aren't right for you, or vice versa, you would be able to see that before you get into a relationship and risk getting hurt again or anything like that.
Don't expect to hit it off with any and every girl you meet or are friends with. And are you the only person your age who is in the same situation as you - guy or girl? Of course not! You definatley still have a chance. Being a 'nice guy' is usually a great thing, but not when its overdone. You don't want to be, as some girls call it: spineless or a pushover. You don't have to be the 'a-hole that gets all the girls' either. Because really, in the end do they get anything at all? So chin up. Learn from your mistakes and try different things. Why? Because all girls are different, and you should try to adjust to them as to how to treat them, what to say to them. You would want to know if one of the girls you meet can take a joke and likes to party, or is shy and lives a quiet life. I hope that helped, and good luck.
xxoBriannax answered Friday September 30 2005, 11:54 pm: One day you'll find the right girl for you. Don't be too soft with girls, then they think you are wimp, that's why they say "oh you are such a nice guy blah blah blah". I am sorry for your troubles. Good luck! [ xxoBriannax's advice column | Ask xxoBriannax A Question ]
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