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I feel like the worst person in the world. On March 17 me and my boyfriend of 3 years got into a huuuge fight because he cheated on me. Our relationship was sooo good and we always got told that we were the role model for couples, well anyways..we got into a huge fight and we said things that we didnt mean and I told him that I wish he wasnt in my life and he would just die because I hated him so much, those were my exact words. Later that night at 11:26 I got a phone call from his sister (we were really close, she was like a little sister to me) she was crying really hard and she told me that she had found him in his room laying on the floor, dead. I didnt even know what to do with myself. He had taken a gun to his head. She read me a note that he left and it said "I'm so sorry, I love you so much" thats all it said, and he had the date that we started going out until forever carved into his arm. That night when my parents found out they tried to comfort me and all that but I just didnt want to be around anyone. I went to my room and I cut myself so bad and my mom walked in and stopped me and just held me and I cried for hours, with my wrists bleeding, and I fell asleep crying in my moms arms. I'm getting help now. I went to his funeral and it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, I fell to the floor when I went up to his casket at the wake and his mom had to pick me up and just hold me while we cried. I go to his house all the time and talk to his family and just tell them how sorry I am and we talk about all of our memories. I havent slept since the night it happened, and I havent been to school, the doctors say I probably wont go to school for about another month, I might be homeschooled. I can't even look at myself anymore. I can't beleive those hateful words were the last words I ever got to tell the love of my life. I'm sorry it is really long but does anyone have any advice on how to help me get through this?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
I know it's been a while for this post but i want to give you a hug.... ::GIG~HUG!!::
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.:crying!!!:. OMG that is so sad!!!i feel so bad for you! you are not a bad person!!! DON'T YOU EVEN THINK THAT!!! You are a great person! and don't think he hates you because he doesn't he loves you and you and me know it! if he didn't love you he wouldn't of let you know in that note that he loved you before he comited suicide!!And you have every right in the world to e upset! but don't worry things will slowy start to get better it won't be that bad forever.Just remember he's looking over you and he will protect you from everything.He loves you with all his heart and he wouldn't want you to cut anymore if you still do. Because he just wants you to be happy and not miserable. I just wish you the best and that you'll heal! If you need anyone to talk to, to comfort you at all i'm here you can IM me on xoXCoNfUdLeDXox (on AIM)... much love<3333333!
luv,
~*cHeLlY*~
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*crying* I really am..not joking.
He loves you, don't you worry...he loves you and it says so in the note. I mean the note wasn't for a good purpose at all, but don't worry because if he didn't care about you and if he didn't forgive you he wouldn't have written that he loved you.
He probably had his own internal emotions that he's been hiding for a while. It was not your fault. You didn't make him turn the gun on himself, and you didn't hurt him phsically. We all say things we don't mean, but you didn't make him commit suicide. Don't think that, and you're not a horrible person. If you were a horrible person do you honestly believe you'd always be apologizing to him and his family every
time you see them? And you do honestly believe you'd be crying over him? If you were a horrible person you'd just shake it off and move on immediately..which you didn't.
You're a great person...you don't run away from this problem like it never happened. You don't just forget. You face it and are truly distraught by it. You love him, and you wouldn't intentionally hurt him.
You're not a bad person. Remember that.
`jessie
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You are not the worst person in the world. Not by a long shot. His death was not your fault.
Unfortunately, our society is screwed up enough where you probably need fairly long term psychiatric help. This is not because your crazy, it's because we no longer have a culture that gives individuals the time and support they need to grieve.
Grieving, and all the associated "not normalness" that goes with it, is indeed normal. In your case, you are feeling guilt as well. This is also normal - regardless of the circumstances. People almost always find something to feel guilty about when some one they love dies. I'm sure the psychologists have a few hundred theories as to why, but I'm not so sure any of them really matter to you right now. Know that it would not be inappropriate for you to feel angry, betrayed, confused, depressed, or well, anything else really. Spring is here, and you may find yourself overwhelmed with the beauty of life for a few min. It's ok to be happy while grieving too. The two don't cancel each other out. Grieving is a long, complex process, and you will need extra support given the circumstances.
Many people find religion to be comforting at times like this. I won't suggest anything in particular because I don't know your religious background or orientation. If you would like religious comfort from one of the er, less mainstream, faiths, I know enough people to find you readings or other religious comforts and reassurances.
I know I sound cold compared to the other columnists, but I don't think hearing "that's so sad" and "I'm so sorry" another 50 millions times is really going to help you. My family isn't the sort to send flowers - we send lasagna. :)
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wow im really sorry if something like that happened to me i wouldnt know what id do i would have probly given up on life and joined him but you will have this in your head for the rest of your life i have no clue how to help you tho im really sorry this must be really hard for you but i think that you should cry and think about the good times alot i hope doing that helps and remember that he is always there no matter what he will always be in your heart
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anonymous -
I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. I apologize if I ramble on and offer no real good advice, but this situation is beyond any advice I have to give.
I know that not a lot of columnists on advicenators can understand, and I admit I can't fully comprehend what you're going through either, but I do feel you on the fights and saying what you don't mean.
Me and my boyfriend have also been together for nearly three years, and we get into some pretty intense arguments sometimes. We say things that we don't mean due to our spur-the-moment anger, and when it gets to be too much, we threaten to take our lives as well. Why, maybe to see if the other will care enough to stop us? I know it sounds silly, but I think that's what you're boyfriend was trying to do.
I don't fully know what went on, but I'm assuming maybe after the heated argument you both left with hostility still present. No one will ever understand what went through your boyfriend's mind, but I'm thinking that he realized what a great girlfriend you were, and that he couldn't live with the guilt of ever cheating on you let alone face the great deal of pain he's caused by cheating. With your words of not wanting him in your life, he took it literally, again, probably a spur the moment type of thing. And when he's so overcome with emotion, suicide was the most reasonable thing to do and he didn't want to think twice about it because of the guilt and never being able to forgive himself for betraying you, so he did it promptly. I know that you think it is your fault that he died, but keep in mind he cheated on you and that's probably what drove him to do it, that he wanted you to be happy even if he is not in your life.
What I can tell you is to continue mourning and let your feelings out, but don't think that it was your fault. I know you will sometimes want to believe that all this is a nightmare and that you'll wake up realizing you fell asleep in his arms during a movie, but you have to accept that he's gone. It may take a long while to come to this realization, but take your time, no one is rushing you.
You are emotionally unstable right now and the best thing I can really suggest is to exert your emotions whether through writing, talking to close ones, or vice versa. If you don't do it for yourself, do it for your boyfriend. Although he's gone, he still wants to see you happy.
If you ever want to chat, you can IM me on yahoo or email me at mylinhthan@hotmail.com
Again, I'm very sorry for your loss and I hope that God will be with you during this difficult time. :)
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oh my gosh.. i'm so sorry. I just read this and started to cry. I will pray for you and i hope everything will turn out ok. i would be said but whatever you do dont cut yourself! that's so not good for you trust me some friends i know and i've done it and it's horrible. everything will be okay.
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i dont no wat to say but that is so sad.
words can really hurt. i feel bad that this had to happen to you or anyone that tgis has ever happened to.
i have no advice but i can say that you seem to be handling the situation better than iwould have and i aploud you for that. there will be more things for you to look foward to in your future and hopefully not suicide or depression. Well if you have any questions feel free to ask or im me. All my information is on my column.
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Oh, my friend, my friend.. I cry inside.. I cry for you. I.. I don't know what to say, honestly, I don't. This answer may be long and pointless... but I'm hoping it'll make you feel better. :
I do believe this would be normal... the not being able to sleep, sitting at his grave for hours, trying to kill yourself. Oh, why, oh, why?! I do not understand this at all! Why?! *shakes head sadly* Don't hold it against yourself. It's not worth it, sweetheart.. I know, I know.. it's so hard. I have never been in this situation, but I think I may be able to imagine how awful, how wretched it would be. I do not know the extent, the severity of your pain, but I am trying to imagine it. There is no way that I will be able to understand it, until I feel it myself, but I am trying. Sweetie, you wouldn't know how close I came to crying when I read this... and I haven't cried in... several, several months.. last year sometime. This had an amazing effect on me. Sadly, life has no rewind button. What I would do if life had that button... what we would all do! But, then life could be perfect.. we would be able to erase hurt, erase pain, erase scars, but, it wouldn't be realistic. What you did may have been wrong, but it is a natural human error. I've done stupid stuff, and so have you, so has my best friend, my dad, my pastor, my sister, my Grandmother... everyone. You're not alone in this. Though I know you're feeling alone, and probably want to be alone, that's not what you need. But, you don't need to be around people who are going to pry things out of you, ask what you said, what happened, in detail over and over.. that'll be worse. You need a friend, a friend who you can confide in... tell everything to.. and not be hesitant or worrysome. My friend like this? His name is Jesus Christ. Jesus will be your friend like that too. I know it sounds cheesey, but it works... I have never known the loss of a human that was close to me, but I lost my best friend this past year. My best friend of nine years.. she was an American Grey Shorthair cat. That was my best friend for nine years... but when we moved, she left us, ran away, probably got hurt, killed even. I was... oh, I was like you.. I wanted to die, I didn't think I could live without her, she was my baby. I didn't think life would go on, but it did. You see, I never knew the sun would rise again... I didn't think it should. This is probably how you feel... you probably feel like the whole world has deserted you and you don't think life should go on... yet it does. Forgive me if I'm wrong... but I can sortof relate to what you're feeling, but it's also worse when it's a real person, not a cat. All I can say, is really, really truly and honestly pour your heart out to someone. This may take hours, days, weeks even. But it'll be worth it. "Take the time so it takes less time." - Pat Parelli. If you attempt to get over this now, it will be less likely to haunt you in your adult, married, motherly, senior life. You'd be amazed at the things that haunt seniors (65+) .. things that happened when they were 15, 16, 17 years old! Don't let that be you! Please, please! I beg of you! Don't let that be you! Pour your heart out!
It would also probably be helpful if you'd write yourself a letter. Maybe an e-mail if that's better for you, but write it, and if it's an e-mail, send it to yourself, if it's a letter, mail it to yourself. When you get it, read it slowly. You'll be amazed at how much better you feel once you get your feelings out there, on paper, even if it's to yourself. Now, once you've done this, save the letter/e-mail. Don't ask, just do it. It'll be helpful later in life. It will also be helpful if you write a letter to your boyfriend. I don't care if he's gone now, just do it. Tell him that you're sorry, that you love him, that you wish you'd never said those things... type it or whatever, but save that too. Put one on his grave, and keep another copy. If you don't understand, don't ask. Just do it. You'll be glad you did. If you type it, save it on your computer and on a floppy disk, and print it out. Same for your letter to yourself. Now, write a letter to your boyfriend's family. Tell them how you feel. Or, do it in person. I know you've been doing this already, but if you do it all at one time (basically) you'll feel alot better.
Don't beat yourself up.. it never helps. It will only make you feel worse. Though you think it'll help, it really wont. I'm really glad that you've already began to seek counsel from a counselor, but seek counsel from the Eternal Counselor, Jesus Christ. Write a letter to Him also, you'll feel alot better. (I am very expressive in letters, though you may not be as "wordy" as I am on paper, it usually helps to write a letter.) Jesus Christ is the ONLY one who can save you... the only one who can keep you through this time. You're walking through the proverbial Valley of the Shadow of Death, but Jesus is with you! It may help to go to your church (if you don't attend church regurally then a local church) and speak to the youth pastor or pastor. They will offer counsel for you and help you fill your life with the healing Holy Spirit.
Try and remember all of the good times you had with your boyfriend and do not dwell on the bad. Remember this, my friend: You never know, your boyfriend may have killed himself anyway, whether you said those things or not. Forgive yourself.
I wish I could help you more.. if you believe I could, then just ask away...
My friend, you're in my prayers. The Lord be with your spirit. Grace be with you.
-FunnyCide
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i just busted out in tears when i read this. i can`t believe you`re having to go through this. it`s not fair, i know. listen i know how wrong this is going to sound but.. it`s not your fault. he chose to take his life because he was too weak to go on. listen God is the only one who can comfort you. He loves you so much and all you have to do is call on Him. you`re going to get through this, but just pray. for comfort, read these Bible verses.
-Isaiah 12
-Isaiah 40:1-11
-Jeremiah 31:10-13
-2 Corinthians 1:3-7
-2 Corinthians 7:6-13
oh and if it helps any, your story made me realize how good my life is. and it made me realize that i`m stupid for being depressed. i have it so much better than other people. please IM me, seriously.
x3 KaTiE LyNn
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Oh.. dear me. That is quite horrible... A bad way to go I'm sure.. and you can't be blamed fo rcrying. Thats all you can do. Cry whenever you need to, otherwise if you keep it all inside things will only get worse. The best thing you can do is remember all the good times you'd had with him... and never forget him, even if you find another in your life. Ever. There is no easy way to deal with the death of a loved one, except to remember them.. time does not heal ALL wounds, but it can help sanitize them ;3
Hope I helped.... <3 EJ
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Omg! I`m so sorry that it happend! Dont blame your self for his death. It was his choice. Sometimes when you are in fights you say things you dont mean and now you know not to do that again because it can really hurt that person. Its not your fault. You both were very angry with each other. I cant blame you at all. You will see him again one day and cutting yourself isnt the answer. You might think that it will make you feel better but it doesnt. It makes you feel worse. He will always be in your heart and always with you no matter what. It wont be the same as having him there but hes always with you. You will always remeber him and he will always remember you. You will get through this and everyone is here for you. Again Im sorry! x0 ` __
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Well. Your boyfriend is weak. If you kill yourself over a fight... well. You're pathetic. Why cry over a idiot who shot himself in the head? What a waste of your life. Dont let the fact its your fault you gave him the orders to kill himself get to you. You'll be fine soon. Just ask god for forgivness that you made him kill himself. He might feel an ounce of pity and spare you. Then again, maybe god does not like you. I suggest becoming a nun. They are very nice to each other. I suspect some are lesbian. Try that.
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Huge fights with people you love, have emotions running high. What I think you need is a whole time for just yourself. No, its not selfish, its helping you be able to get through life the best you can. Yes, the way your boyfriend died is very tragic, and you won't ever forget those words directed to him before he was dead, but remember this, if you knew he was going to commit suicide if those words were said, would you have said them? No, definetly not. He knew you didn't mean it either, but let me tell you, that what you are feeling at this time is sadness, and soon, you might feel angry with people, God, Jesus, your boyfriend of 3 years, but no matter what anyone tells you, those feelings are more than normal. But, I think you need to keep talking about how you feel to somebody until you run out of things to say. Everybody, including you, knows that this isn't your fault at all, he was the one who did it, not to sound mean towards him, but he did this to himself, and left you here to suffer, and he definetly did not mean to do that. But, you need to take time for yourself, and do everything you feel like doing except hurting yourself in anyway. Now that you've said that you are sorry, try going everyday, and telling him what you are enjoying in life, now, you're probably thinking 'nothing', but at least tell him how much your parents care to take care of you about this. Just tell him everything about how you are feelings, whats going on. You should have your parents buy you some 'coping with death' books, but I really would like to help you talk about this, so I would really really be honored if you 'inboxed' me and talked to me about your feelings, and I can give you advice ow to cope with it, and I will really make an effort to help you.
Please talk to me, I am willing to help you, I'm not busy, and it won't be bugging me, I will feel really good about helping you, and I want you to feel good too.
-TheTeenGirl
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I got chills just reading this. Hurting yourself and bringing yourself down won't bring him back. He made the choice to cheat on you and you were only reacting because you were in shock. I know it's so incredibly hard, but you have to move on with your life. Focus on your plans for the future..job options..etc..It's alright to think of him, but please don't get all worked up over this because unfortunatley people can't just come back.
xO LiSa(
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omg..that is horrible. i am soo incredably sorry. i'm afraid that i dont know anything that you can do...but what i would do is pray. there is nothing that will bring him back, but dont take it out on yourself. i know that it might be hard not too...but you can't blame it all on you. it will be hard to get throught it but just remember all the good times that you both shared together.
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hun, all you can do is get through it how you can. talk to him, pray for him, take one day at a time. the important thing is that you still love him. it will take time, but you can get through this and move forward with your life, maybe not move on, but just move forward. going to his grave is fine, talking to him will help you, sharing memories will help you, just talk to people that you know will listen, people you know that care. this is probably one of the hardest things you will ever go through in your life time, but dont let it over take you to where you give up as well. take time to focus on the things you know you need to focus on, sort things out. take care and god bless.
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First of all, I am sooo sorry about this. Your boyfriend knew that you didn't mean those words; he knew you loved him, but sometimes in the heat of a fight, we say things that we don't mean. That's all you did; it's not your fault. I can't sit here and honestly say that I know what you're feeling or going through, but I do want to say that I know it's hard, yet you still have to keep on with your life. There will be good things that are going to happen to you, and you just have keep an open mind and live life. This is not something that you will forget, but each day that passes will make this incident easier to deal with. Remember, you did nothing wrong; we all say things like that, but we don't mean it. Things will get better. Take as much time as you need before going back to your regular day-to-day things, but being around others and talking will help you to heal from this in a healthy manner. I hope that my advice helps you out. My best wishes to you and yours. God Bless. Friendly advice from Caleb.
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Its ok!!!! you'll make it thru. I kno both of you said a lot of stuff that you guys definitily did mean. But its ok. Its all apart of God's plan for you. He wants you to apprecaite people more and think before you say stuff. But when you really love somebody and you find out that they cheated on you, i would totally say stuff that i would regret saying. It was VERY wrong for him to cheat on you... but its ok. And maybe keeping a journal and writting stuff in it that you dont wanna tell anybody else may help!!! Tell me how you are doin in a couple days!!
I Hope i helped A LOT!
MaNdY!
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I'm so sorry! Remember that it's not your fault! He made the decision. Right now, it'll probably help just to talk and let all your feelings out. Write in a journal or talk to a guidance counselor. Give yourself time to get over this and express how you feel. Send me something if you need to talk. I'm here to listen. ♥ Kristen
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one thing you need to know is that it was not your fault. it was his choice. not yours. the only thing you can really do is just be there for him......if you know what i mean. and for his family too. dont tke it out on yourslef. keep your chin up! good luck! here to help if ya need me!!! i hope ya feel better. cuz thats a really hard situation
~natt~
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