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26 Year Old Grandmother
When I was 12 years old, I was raped, and became pregnant. I never told my daughter how she was conceived. She is 13 years old, and I just found out that she's pregnant. Her boyfriend's father kicked him out of his house as a result. Abortion is out of the question. We have to decide whether my daughter and her boyfriend will raise the baby themselves or allow me to adopt the child. So I have three questions.
1. How do I tell my daughter the truth about how she was conceived?
2. Should I allow her boyfriend to move in with us, and if so, is it okay to make them sleep in seperate rooms? (His only other option is to move out of the country with his mother.)
3. Do you think it would be better for my daughter to raise her child or should I adopt the baby? (I was unable to have any other children.)
Sorry so long, but any advice would be appreciated.
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I don't understand how your telling your daughter that you were raped by her father is relevent to the situation. By all means if you were planning on telling her before she got pregnant tell her but now is not the time to do that. That can wait until she is a mother and when she is old enough to understand that she is loved no matter how she got here.
As for your other questions. No, you should not adopt her baby. If she choses to keep her baby it is her baby and where you will be a much needed support system she is the one that got pregnant and she is the one that needs to care for what she created. If you correct this for her she will expect you to correct everything she ever does. There has to be accountability here and if she choses to keep her child and I don't mean abortion because you already stated that it isn't an option then she needs to care for it.
As for the boyfriend, no he should not move in with you. She is entirely too young to be married. The boy needs to work things out with his father and step up to the plate in helping to care for the baby. These kids are still kids. They are not adults, they still need educations and they still have a lot of growing up to do. Do you honestly think that by keeping them in seperate rooms you will stop the sex? You can't be there constantly and believe me they will find a way. And then you will have a 14 year old pregnant daughter with a baby still in the crib. It is unfortunate that the boy was thrown out of his home but parents deal with this every day and the Dad will eventually see that what is done is done. I am sure that he loves his son. Taking him in is not the answer. That is just asking for more problems.
I know that my advise may not be what you wanted to hear but I truly believe that moving him in with you is not the best thing for your daughter long term. She is way too young to know what she will want down the road and that would be forcing her into a relationship that may turn out horrible. Concentrate on getting her through this, through school and if she and the father really love each other then they will be together when they are adults. Until then you have bigger problems than raising two teenagers and a grandbaby. Best of luck... :)
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1 // Just .. tell her. One day when you're just sitting around, bring it up, and if she wants to know, just tell her the story.
2 // Sure, and yes. Try putting some duct tape or something across each of their doors at night so that you know if they didn't stay where they were supposed to.
3 // You're definately going to help her out a lot, so maybe you should just raise it together? I really don't know, sorry.
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1.if you really think you should tell her sit her down theres no right kind of way to break this type of news. tell her how much she emans to you and how special she is and how she came about and when you were raped the only good thing that happend was her and your glad..juss reasure her that your very glad she came in you life.
2.i think that you should juss let him go on out to the country cuase it will never work out between him and your daugher and it will juss break ehr heart.
3.i think that you should both share the resonsibality after all she concived it let her do it juss guid her give her lots of help..dont adopot it
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tell ur daughter how she was conceived let her bf move in w. u so they baby will hav a daddy. i think u should help ur daughter raise the child.
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1. Just sit her down one day, kidda have a day of just you and her together. Just simply say that when you were 12 you were raped and got pregnant. Do tell her that even though that happened she means the world to her and you love her.
2. Yes, you should allow her boyfriend to move in with you. Yes, it is okay for you to make them sleep in seperate rooms. Her boyfriend sounds like he doesn't have anyone to turn to, besides you guys. I don't think she would want her boyfriend to move. He should be close to his kid and be there for your daughter.
3. You should talk this over with your daughter. She's probably not ready for a child, but you should let her keep it. Just help her out with the child when she's having a hard time, be there for her.
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wow..all i can say is ur such a great mom for understanding the situation..ples let the son live with u..living outta the country is gonna kill ur daughter...and her bf is never gonmna beable to see the kid alot. yes seperate rooms is a GOOD idea..for now ..but when the get to the age around 16 let them..and u should adopt the baby..ur daughter can help out still..but please adopt it..dont let her child have a disadvantaged life because ur daughter is to young..also ples tell ur daughter how she was conceived so that she doesn't feel so bad about getting pregnant..i hope i helped good luck!
<3Shelby<3
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Im srry 2 hear about ur mishap 1st of all....(#1) u need 2 sit her down and then explain it 2 her...(#2) It depends on how u feel about her b/f and whether or not u feel he will be there and be a father 2 this babi and if u can support him,u,ur daughter,and the babi...(#3) Do not adopt the babi but act not as a grandmother but as a second mother If she wuz not raped (which from ur story im guessing she wasnt) she needs 2 take responsibility 4 her actions.....Plz keep in touch with me I would love 2 no how ur daughter is doin my sn is problemhelper193
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Hey..im terribly sorry about what happened to you. :(
A) I definately think 13 is the right age to know. If you dont tell her soon, when she finds out at an older age she`ll be very upset. She desserves to know. I would sit her down and talk to her..tell her you were raped but your so greatful for her and ou love her very much. (she might get the idea shes unwanted being that you were rape but hopefully not)
B) yes i would let the boy live with you..and sleeoping in seperate rooms is appropriate. He desserves to raise the baby and be apart of the parenting. However, i think he should maybe get a parttime job because another body in the house = more needed money.
C) Yes, you adopting the child to raise is an excellent idea. The baby can still be around the birth mother and the father...but an adult taking part in the rasing of the child is a good idea.
Best of luck with everything! :)
-melissa
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Because she is at a young age, you can aadpot the child and you kid can grow up and pretend it never happened, but for the baby, you two have to make sure that the same thing doesn't happen to her, tell you daughter...she should know.
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1. I don't understand why you need to tell her about how she was conceived. I think it is an important issue which needs to be discussed, but I think it would be better broached when all these other worries were not present.
It has no affect on your daughter's choice - and why is abortion out of the question? I'm by no means advocating abortion, but it COULD be the best option for her.
2. If you allow her boyfriend to move in with you, you are taking on a second child to raise. They are 13; parents-to-be or not, they are children. Allowing him to move in traps your daughter in an awkward position; at 13, she has not found the love of her life. She shouldn't have to live with someone who ultimately will be more connected to the child than herself.
If he DOES move in, then by ALL MEANS they should be sleeping in separate rooms. They've made one big mistake - why encourage them to make another? As a parent, you need to set down guidelines of what is acceptable, while still be supportive and loving.
3. I think it would be traumatic to be a mother at 13; I think it would be worse to give the baby to its grandmother.
It is selfish of you to want to adopt this baby just because you want another child and cannot conceive. Your first obligation is to your existing child; imagine her pain and confusion when the baby calls YOU 'mommy.'
Next, imagine the pain and confusion of your grandchild when the truth of their birth comes out. Eventually, you might be supplanted as the parent of the child...and that would be painful and confusing for you.
I think abortion, giving the baby up for adoption (not to you), or helping your daughter to raise the baby are your three best options. Think first of your daughter, not your own aching and empty arms.
I sincerely wish you the best, and I think you'll do fine - as long as you remember where the priorities lay...on your current child.
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1) TELL HER AS GENTLY AS YOU POSSIBLE CAN BUT ALSO TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER VERY MUCH
2) YES ALLOW HIM TO MOVE IN WITH YOU ABD YES MAKE THEM SLEEP ON DIFFERENT ROOMS.
3)LET THEM RAISE THE BABY BUT IF THEY CANT DO IT YOU SHOULD ADOPT THE BABY AND HAVE THEM HELP YOU TAKE CARE OF IT.
HOPED I HELPED
[H][U][G][S]
*MORGAN*
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1) tell her but let her know as gently as possible and reassure her that u love her sooo much
2)you should let the bf move in and sta in seperate rooms cuz well theyre too young if u ask me but like yaaa and its good hes intrested with the baby
3)let them raise the child and if they cant then u should adopt it
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1. Yes, deff. tell her, now is a better time since she's pregnant.
2. No you shouldn't let him stay with you, what if they have sex again and she becomes pregnant? You never know. Plus, they won't be together forever.
3. Let her raise it, it was her mistake. You can help her alot though.
Sorry to hear about all of this and good luck.
-xXoBrianna
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wow i'm really sorry.. yeah, i definitely think you should tell her someday soon! and just let her know that your there for her if she ever needs anything.. as for her boyfriend to move in with you guys.. i wouldnt be so sure about that... because their not going to be together forever, eventually they will break up n then what? to add on to that, their only 12 years old... they don't understand much you know? and i think they'd be wayy too young to even sleep in the same room! if i was letting my daughters boyfriend move in theres no way i'd let them sleep together! personally, if you do let them they'll probably end up doing something they'll regret--it seems like your daughter is already regretting this.. it might make things worse if you know what i mean!! people at school also might say things about them if you let him move in.. so im not really sure.. it may be best if he just moves with his mom and even though your daughter may not want that.. it just seems like the right thing to do. but then again, thats just my opinion. better yet, ask him what he wants to do!! after all, it is his life so he should have some say right? if he does end up moving, she'll find someone new there are going to be plenty of guys in and out of her life until she finds the right one.. so right now she should just enjoy her time bein young n spend tons of time with her boyfriend incase he does decide to move! n as for you adopting the baby or letting her take care of it--i say you adopt it. like i said, shes only 12 and probably wants to enjoy herself. shes going to want to hang out with friends, be busy with school, and other activies and stuff.. especially when she gets older like in her teen years.. shes goin to want to party and stuff- theres no way she can do that with a baby. its a big responsibility i just don't think a 12 year old would have no matter how mature they were. i know your scared and just wanna do the right thing for your daughter.. but you should probably just go ahead and adopt the baby. i'm really sorry to hear about all of this and i hope i helped in giving you my opinion! good luck, and write back you can IM me or leave a message on here for me.. let me know what happens! =)--if you need any other help just let me know!
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Hey...I have a few Ideas.
For one, Maybe you should start off by telling her the story. "13 years ago..I was raped..and you were the result. I loved you so much that I couldn't let you go." Something along that line to make sure that she knows that you love her and everything and make sure you tell her that she was NOT a mistake and that you never would have even thought of giving her up.
For two..I don't think that things could get any worse if he did move in. I think you should let him move in if your daughter really loves this boy and is willing to follow your rules. You can make them sleep in seperate rooms if you want to...it's your house and what you say goes. I'm sure he will be grateful to live there.
For three...I think that you should let your daughter keep her child, while you may helping out, this is her responsibility. So maybe all three of you can take care of the kid equally.
I hope I helped, and good luck to all three of you..if you'd like...get ahold of me and tell me how things worked out. :)
Becca*
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1. You, being 25 or 26 now i guess....well, doesn't your daughter realize you conceived her around the same age she just got pregnant. Hasn't she ever asked you about that? If you've lied to her about it, I think you should sit down with her and tell her the truth. Even if she never asked you, have a talk to her about her child and bring it up.
2. I think you should let him move in and let them decide whether they want to sleep together or separate. I dont think they would make the same mistake after they've gone through all this (i'm sure it's not easy for them).
3. Think about how you raised your daughter. You didn't mention whether you were helped to raise her or not, but I'm pretty sure you learned a lot from it, even though your situation was different. It's really up to you whether you want to let your daugher take care of the baby or if you want to raise the child, but you should also ask your daughter what she would want to do other than abortion. I think letting her and her boyfriend raise the child could be a good idea, but they will probably need help, so help them out when they need it.
I hope this helps you out a bit, it's definately not an easy situation
-=wizer*wordz=-
P.S.: anything else, drop 1 in my inbox
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i think that you should let your daughter and her boyfriend raise the child they may need help a little bit, but they did bring the child in to this life. I also think that it would be better if you let them move in together an let them share a room, then they would see that they made a mistake of making a child an taking care of it at such a young age.They might fight after awhile but this baby wil bring them closer together.
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that's a really hard problem babe.. first of all.. sit down with ur daughter and tell her that it's ok she did what she did even tho it necesarily isn't.. tell her that everyone makes mistakes and this is just a pretty big one that she's gonna have to live with and hopfully have a normal life.. when u tell her about the rape.. tell her that it wouldn't change how much you love her if you had been in love with her father.. next sit down with her and her boyfriend.. tell them both that raising a baby is a really big responsibility and ask them if they believe they are up to it and if they can spend the rest of their lives as a family.. i think if he's a good kid you can let him move in but if he's trouble then you don't want him around ur daughter or her baby.. and about the adoption.. ask ur daughter what she wants..ask her if she want's to keep her baby or if she wants u to adopt it.. maybe it can even be worked out so the baby thinks ur it's mother and ur daughters it's sister and that could work the best.. it's really tough hun i know but i really hope i helped.. i think the best thing you can do is be there for ur daughter.. her life is over as she sees it and just let her know there is still hope and if you don't pray.. pray now.. for ur daughter her boyfriend ur grandbaby on the way.. and most of all for urself.. hope i helped hun and if you have neother questions just ask!
xoxox-kenzi
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1. tell her the truth. she will understand. make sure you let her know that you love no matter where she came from. and you didn't give her up because you wanted her.
2. it would nice if her boyfriend moved in because the baby would have both if its oarents around. if he lived out of state the baby would never know its father.
3. i don't think you should adopt her child. i think you should just help the parents raise it and be the best grandmother you can be, because they are really gonna need your support.
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Hey!That is a hard decision but I think that you and your daughter should raise the baby TOGETHER w/ the father. Liek you should help ya kno since she's so young. Definetely make them sleep in dif. rooms. But i DEFINETELY think you should have the father move in cuz he helped make the baby and your daughter is so young and he needs to help! GOOD LUCK! tell me how it works out :)
xOXo tasha
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Here it goes..
1.Tell her the truth of course.. but also tell her that shes the best thing thats happend to you ever in spite of the fact that you were raped. and tell her that you wouldnt take it back for the world (if thats true).
2.If you want him to live with you then of course. The baby should have his father around.
3.I think you should let your daugher help you in this decesion. I personally think you should adopt the baby but don't have him/her call you mom. let the baby know who his/her mother is. And have your daughter and the baby's father very involved in raising the baby.
Good luck I really hope everything turns out fine.
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