Miss_Lily's advice column | Miss_Lily's Advice About Friendship

askMiss_Lily

advice column ask question view feedback favorite columnist advicenators

Q: Recently, I've become very, very good friends with this girl named...Leslie. We have many friends but a close-knit group of 4 consisting of me, 'Leslie', 'Nicole,' and 'Ashley.' We are all close friends and really nothing can take us apart. In my PE class is a girl named 'Melissa' who I cannot stand for some reason. She just annoys me so much, and now Leslie and Melissa have become pretty close. It aggravates me everytime I'm excluded from their conversations, everytime I'm left out and it's so frustrating to hear Melissa call 'LESSSLIIIIEEE' everywhere I go. Ashley actually feels the same way as I do, but none of my friends know how I feel. I've always been the nice one and the one who's always accepted people...but somehow Melissa just broke me down. My frustration didn't even come from her becoming friends with Leslie...it just grew larger from that. In the beginning of the school year, when I saw her, I knew from the start that for some reason I would not like her. She said something to Leslie and I (while we were working out in class) that implied that Ashley was fat. I was so shocked that I just got up and left them. I don't know what's wrong with me but I just cannot STAND her. She irritates me and just makes me feel insane; and it's not as if she did anything wrong. Sometimes when Ashley and I are late to lunch, she pulls Leslie and Nicole away from us and drags them to lunch without us. During lunch she'll come up and pull Leslie away from us while we're still talking, or sit in between Leslie and whoever is sitting next to her. I know it doesn't seem like much, but the small things have always been what really matter to me.

I really need advice. I know talking it out with my friends would be a good choice but I wouldn't know how to bring it up and how they would respond to me. I've always been nice and trying to be friends with her but somehow it's just not working. Am I doing something wrong? ... This seems really childish but I can't help this feeling. gahhh!

Thanks so much in advance!

No, you are not doing anything wrong. It is not possible for you to be nice, friendly or even like everyone that you go to school with. At least you gave forth the effort of trying to be friends with this girl, even after she insinuated that your best friend was fat. You are right. The best thing for you to do would be to talk to your other friends and let them know how you feel about her. Explain to them that you don't want them to stop being friends with her, because you would never try to choose their friends, but that you would be more comfortable around them if they did not mention her as much. Maybe your friends have already sensed your dislike for Leslie, and that is why they do not include you in the activites they conduct with her. If this girl is really such a bad person, your friends will be able to see through her charade soon.

Q: Ok here it goes. Me and my bff have been bestfriends for a little over a year. Yes we have our fights and such but one of us apologizes and we get over it. Well the other day i was having a crappy day and kind of took it out on her because usually i can trust her to not take it to the extreme or freak out. Well later on i had realized what i did and apologized for it and she went off saying i take her for granted and im selfish and all these other things. Well we didnt talk for the rest of the day and for most of today. But then she randomly IMed me like nothing had happend and like she hadnt said anything. I read her online journal and she said that she wasnt going to apologize because she didnt do or say anything wrong. But i think she did. maybe not as much what she said but how she said it. I dont know if i should tell her how i feel and talk with her about it risking her getting mad about it. or should i just hold it in and forget about it?

please help

It looks as if you were in the wrong. Just because you were having a crappy day doesn't give you the right to take it out on her. And by you saying 'usually I can trust her to not take it to the extreme or freak out' goes to show that you probably have taken your frustration and anger out on her even before this incident. She was right to get upset at you, because you are taking her for granted. Instead of freaking out on her, you should talk to her and explain to her why you are in a bad mood, and let her be your shoulder to lean on. She doesn't owe you any kind of apology. In fact, you owe her another one. Friends are hard to come by, and when you find a good one, you should hold on to her as tight as possible.

Q: i drink at parties..but im afraid one day my parents are gunna catch me if i come home wasted..help?

The solution here is simple. If you are underage, then you need to stop drinking until you are old enough to go in a store and buy it legally on your one. If you are drinking, then one day you will slip and your parents will catch you. To avoid that, and the disappointment and hurt that you will cause them, refrain from drinking until you are 21 or out of their house.

Q: i have this friend and she's like my best friend here at this school i just moved to, and like she knows everything about me and what not. but like recently i've noticed that she's been copying me, like everything and it's really annoying. i mean she's super nice but also shy so i don't know how to tell her this. like my handwriting is my handwriting like it's your thing and i like my handwriting it's actually nice but i've noticed that she started copying the way i write like my n's and h's and t's! like it really bugs me! she also copies the way i hold my hands while walking and she's starting to say things like i do!i always say holy crap like as an expression and she says it too! Like before i came here she seemed to have friends but like when i became friends with her she seemed to be attached to me and i'm like the "leader" of the two of us! isn't she the one who's supposed to show me around and tell me stuff...not me? i made new friends and like i have a lot more in common with them then the ones before that i ate lunch with, with my bff, but when i went to eat lunch with my new friends she wanted to follow, like i didn't want to say no but i didn't want her to come, i know that may seem mean but like the two groups don't mix, but she came and she started comming everday so then everyday up to this day we eat lunch with my new friends but everyday she seems depressed when we eat lunch with them. she's very insecure it seems and it seems like no one really treated her as a real like member of her group before i came, like she even told me that i was the one she was the closest to in all of that table, but i'm like didn't she hang out with them for like five years...shouldn't she be good friends with at least one of them? in the beginning of the year i remember someone mentioning that she was copying them before i came. so how do i tell her that i need some space. or do i even tell her? i mentioned to my new friends that i wanted to hang out with them but being with my bff hasn't let me...sorry this was extremely long. (i have never been the "leader" of a group, we were always all equal and just had fun, and we mostly weren't shy between ourselves! AND i've noticed that i've started to become like her more and it's not the good things, the way i walk like she walks really fast because she's insecure/shy and seems like shes in a hurry all the time and i've started to do that too!) how would i deal with this situation?

Well, I hope she doesn't say the word "like" as much as you do. Anyways. It seems as if your friend is very insecure about herself, and she finds her identity through you. Your presence gives her confidence and makes her feel good about herself. Even though it is annoying, you should feel good that she values you and your opinion so much. Since this is bothering you so much, why don't you try to introduce her to other people. Get her to socialize outside of your circle, and with people who share common interest with her. If that fails, then sit her down and talk to her face-to-face. Have a heart-to-heart with her. Let her know that you value her friendship a lot, but that lately you have felt that maybe the two of you are actually becoming one. Let her know that you have noticed that she is transforming into you by copying some of your habits, and you want to know if she has noticed this. Tell her that you want to remain friends with her, but that sometimes you need your own space to interact with your other friends. Let her know that she is welcome to join you sometimes, but not all of the time. Compliment her on her good aspects, and let her know that she is a good friend to you. It sounds as if her self-esteem is very low, and she is trying to gain that through you. If you talk to her openly and honestly, then she should be able to understand where you are coming from and respect you and your wishes. Good luck.

Q: okay i have a friend in argentina and her mom and dad got devorsed the other day and her and her mom and to move in to someone else's house becuase the dad is like going to jail becuase he is a really really really bad person!!! My friend is always sending me e-mail and seems really sad!!! How can i mak eher feel better i fell bad for her!!!!! I mean she does not have very many friends either and a lot of peole make fun of her!!!! How can i help her feel better at least a little better? THank you in advance!!! I rate high!!!!! :)

The only thing that you can do is stick by herside. Let her know that you love her, and that you will always be there for her. Try to pick up the phone every once-in-awhile to call and check on her and see how her day went. Write her letters on pretty stationary and send her cards just because. Take some time out of your week to write her a meaningful email. What she needs is a friend right now, and it seems as if you are already that.

Q: Hey, i'm a 15 year old black girl and at my high school if your a certain color, you are expected to like certain things and listen to a certain type of music.Well i'm not like that i listen to "other" music.And when i say other music i mean stuff liken green day and maroon5 and stuff like that.Also some of the stuff that my caucasion friends talk about i can identify with and some of the more preppy clothes they wear i like.i'm afraid to tell my friends this because i am afriad of their reactions.what should i do?

You should be yourself. Life is too short to worry about what everyone else thinks about you, and then trying to pretend to be something you're not. I am black also, and I listen and wear what I damn well please, regardless of what anyone else thinks. My true friends accept me for who I am. The others were fake, and I let them go. You need to decide for yourself whether or not you want to be comfortable in your own skin, and whether or not your friends are worth the trouble.

Q: Hi I'm 13 and I have never been very popular and I have never had many friends at school. I was always the straight A student and the goody goody and thats just how I was. But this year I decided to try to make friends. A lot of friends. I started to bend the rules a little bit. Once I found out that I could get away with anything because I was comsidered the good child I just couldn't stop. I became very popular and started not doing my homework. I figured whats wrong with that? I'm just like evryone else I'm not weird I'm cool. But now I'm rude and I don't care about my work at all. I ruined my straight A's and now I don't know what to do. I just want to go back and be able to control my self and not have the pressure to keep my so called frineds. What can I do?

It sounds like it is time for you to get your priorities straight. I noticed that you mentioned: But now I'm rude and I don't care about my work at all. That is your own fault. No one makes you rude but yourself. And you contradicted yourself when you said that you don't care about your work, because obviously you do. It sounds like you started acting out so you could get noticed more and have people pay attention to you, and now all of that is catching up to you and being a lot more pressure then what you thought it was. Try putting your main focus back onto your school work. Talk to your teachers and ask them if you can do some extra credit work to bring up your grades. If the friends that you made during your transformation supports you on getting your grades back up, then they are keepers. If not, then it is time for you to make some new friends.

Q: Do I have the right to be offended..this girl considers me her BEST FRIEND [we are good friends but not BEST BEST friends]. When we leave a class, she never waits for me, unless her little other friend is absent. When that girl isn't around, she waits for me and she talks to me. I mean, I have other friends I walk with, I just find this, weird.. and awkward you know. And at lunch, whatever I say, it's usually the opposite. I don't really care, but am I wrong to be a bit.. you know.. offended?

No, you are not wrong at all for being offended. This girl is only using you as a means of convience. When her "other" friend is not around, that is when she wants to be your best friend. A true best friend waits for you regardless of her other friends. She talks to you when other people are around, and she doesn't use you when it is convient for her. You need to ask her why she acts that way. Let her know that if she can't be a true friend to you all of the time, then you don't need a part time friend.

Q: okay, so there is this guy that won't leave me alone. i mean i wanna be friends with him, but he wants to be my girlfriend. I am really starting to hate him. i was talking to him in aim and he kept saying things like "i love you," or "okay, see ya girlfriend". i kept telling him to stop, but he WON'T! arrggggggggggggggg!
please help me b4 i kill him!

Stop talking to him until he can respect your wishes. Tell him that you like him as just a friend, and nothing more, and that it irritates you whn he calls you girlfriend or says that he loves you. Let him know that until he can respect your wishes then you don't want to talk to him period. If he continues to say that on AIM, then block him from you AIM list until he realizes that you aren't playing with him. He should get the picture soon.

Q: ok im planning a sweet 16 at a hotel..i was wondering how i can control the people who come in? i dont want people who arent invited or random teenagers who are hotel guests popping in. Any suggestions? 5's for anyone who isnt obnoxious

The best thing to do in this situation is to type up a guest list of everyone you invited, print it out (in alphabetical order), and put an adult at the entrance door. For people to get in, they have to give their name and the invitation that you gave them to your party. No invitation, no admittance.

Q: ok so i've been going out with this unbelievebly sweet kid, ryan, for like 3 weeks now and my BEST friend is getting really jelious. i love ryan and am not going to break up with him but my friend cant even stand to see us together. i dont want to lose my best friend but i'm not willing to give up my boyfriend... what should i do? there are plenty of guys who have asked my friend, aubrey, out but she denies them all. i dont know what to tell her.

Maybe your friend has a valid reason as to why she doesn't like your boyfriend. Have you changed at all since you have started dating this guy? Do you find yourself talking about him, and you and him, non-stop when you are around her? Have you been pushing your friendship with her aside to be with your boyfriend? All of these things could play a factor as to the reason why she is jealous of him. To me, friends always come first. Because your boyfriend can dump you anyday, and where would you be then? Without a friend because you ignored her while you were dating him. Talk to her, and find out the exact reason as to why she is jealous of him. Let her know that you love her as a friend, and that you don't mean to do things that would jeapordize your relationship with her.

Q: hi, im 16/f i have this friend who has a bf and everything is different now that she has one, we have been fighting so much, we went 2 months with out talking, i was fine with it b/c i didnt have to put up with all of her bull shit, all she ever talked about was her bf, and if not that then just everything about her, and if i tryed to talk about like a guy i liked she'd get mad at me bc "im selfish" and we hardley ever talked about me or my problems, it was always about her. at first it didnt bug me, but then it got to be too mch so i called her on it and she got so mad at me and called me selfish, so thats why we stoped talking those couple months, now were talkign again, and it's worse then ever i can hardly stand her. sould i call her on it again, or just leave things the way they are? plz some one help me!! thanks

It is time that you let this friendship go. Your friend is the one being selfish, not you. Friendship is a two way street, you are holding up your end of the bargain but she isn't. It is okay to talk about your boyfriend every once in awhile, but not excessively. Her problem is that she is making her boyfriend the center of her world, and pushing all of her friends away. If she can't realize that you have feelings too, and that you need to vent and talk about your problems sometimes, then she is not worth trying to make ya'lls friendship work. Talk to your friend privately and in a calm way and let her know how you are feeling. Tell her that you are glad that the two of you are talking again, but you have noticed lately that she has been doing what she did before again. Tell her that you want to remain friends with her, but it upsets you when she talks about her boyfriend so much and puts her priorities above yours all of the time. If she gets mad again this time, tell her that her friendship is not worth all the pain and stress and that you are better off without her.

Q: ok well my ex friend and i were friends ever since we were born!! and all the sudden july (which is the month of my b-day )we quit being friends. becuz we always plan stuff together like plan our b-days togetherand stuff and i had not seen her since feb we just talkd on the phone and online and stuff so one of her other friend came back from out of town the week we had planned our get together for my b-day and she said that she couldnt come becuz her friend got back from out of town. well we have planned that get together for 2 months. and i was mad and she said i shouldnt get mad that she has other friends. Do u think i should be mad??

Yes, you have every right to be mad. Your friend bailed out on you without notice. Two months is a long to plan a get together, the least she could have done is still come to the get together and invite her friend. You need to call her up and explain to her how important this get together is to you, and ask her if she would be willing to bring her friend to it. Let her know that you aren't mad because she has other friends, you are mad because you put your time and effort into something, not just for yourself but for her too, and she totally brushed you off without taking into consideration your feelings. If you friend still refuses to come, or to compromise with you, then I think you need to find some a new friend.

Q: 13/F Going On 14 =)
Okay...my so called best friend Vallorie,Hannah,and Becca...in school the other day ditched me! I always wait for them in classes but i was walking with them and they just ran the other way. It was so sad. I dont know why they did it but im very confused. So i didnt see them the rest of the day. We are supposed to have an easter party tommorow but i dont know what i am going to do? HeLp Me tY =)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~Kristie*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It looks as if you are making a big deal out of nothing. Your friends could have just been trying to be funny. If they hurt your feelings, then you should tell them that. Ask them what was the point of them running the other way. You should call them up on the phone tonight and talk to them about what happened so you don't feel uncomfortable around them during the Easter party tomorrow.

Q: Hey. My best friend has been ignoring me lately and I don't know what I should do. On her website she shows who shes talking to and shes talking to alot of people and being all happy. But when we talk its just not the same and she barely says anything, if anything at all. Please help!

The best thing to do in this situation is to ask your friend straightforwardly what is up with her new attitude towards her. Maybe you did something to her that offended her in some way, and you just don't know about it. Don't beat around the bush with her. If you want to stay friends with her, ask her now.

Q: 15/f-I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months now. Previously he was going out with my ex-best friend, whom i am at poor terms with as a direct result of my dating him. While i know i made a mistake by doing this, I don't regret ending the friendship for many personal reasons. Still, i can't escape her wrath. she tells our mutual friends and others, that i'm a whore or a slut or other related labels, when in reality i'm very near prude. What should i do to protect my reputation? I don't want one mistake to haunt me forever. thanks

The only way to stop the fire is to put out the flame. You heart your ex-bestfriend a lot by dating her ex, so therefor she is trying to make you feel like she feels. The only thing to do in this situation is to go to the source of the problem, you ex-BF, and talk to her. Ask her why she feels the need to spread nasty and untrue rumors about you. Explain to her that her efforts of breaking you and him up are not working, and that if she wants to go around making herself look childish and jealous, then that is fine with you. You can't stop someone from spreading rumors about you, but you can get back your dignity by letting them know that their words don't hurt you. If the people you are talking to are you and her's mutual friends, then they already know that these rumors are untrue and that she is just being spiteful. Your reputation is fine, and there is nothing here that will haunt you. You know how you are, your boyfriend knows how you aer, and your true friends know how you are, and that should be all that matters.

Q: I am finding i am getting more and more friends, but i have some very close friends in two different groups, and once group hates the other and the other dosent like some of the people in the other, but not all. one of the groups is "popular" and the other has a pretty low status, but that dosent really matter to me.Both of the groups only wants me to hang out with them, and refuse to get along... i feel like i fit in with the "popular" group more, but i still love everyone in the other group! one of my friends has had this happen to her and she likes the "popular" group better,(her name is haley) and wants me to join her... i wont leave my best friends tho (twins) and the group only mite accept one of them, according to haley...
PLEASE HELP!

Ahh, the infamous cliques. What highschool would be complete without them? (Sorry, that is dry humor and meant to be funny.)

It is good that you are able to relate to different people in different groups, but you shouldn't be made to feel like you have to choose one over the other. Obviously you like all of your friends equally, you just feel more comfortable in one group over the other. You need to tell all parties in both groups that you will not choose to hang out solely with one group over the other. That if your frienship with the other is not causing conflict in their life, then you don't see why it is doing more harm then good. Just because they refuse to get along, doesn't mean that you can't refuse to not choose sides.

If you feel like you MUST choose a group, then you should go with the one that you think you will be more comfortable in. Just know that your actions have consequences and you could loose a potential life long frienship in the process.

Q: I don't know why it matters to me so much, but I can't get everyone in this clique at school to like me, or even acknowledge my prescence. I have been able to make friends with a couple of people in this clique, but I guess a couple is not enough to be accepted into 'their world'. Mostly our friendship only extends to talk at school in class and in the hallway, hanging out during break, passing notes during class, and then a few phonecalls during the week. But I would love more then anything to be invited to hang out with them on the weekends and to be included more in their after school activities. How do I try to become their friend without really trying too hard?

Thank you so much, and I will rate every question highly that gives me good suggestions.

Hon, not everyone in High School will like you, that comes with the territory. But if you truly want to be friends with these girls, then maybe you should try building onto the friendship that you already have with the few girls out of the group. I like to call it the "Waterfall Theory": You become friends with them - they go back and talk about your positives to the other people in the group - new friendships start developing - the process repeats over. It could happen like this, but then again, it couldn't. Maybe you should try facilitating weekend activities with the girls that you are friends with. Invite them over on the weekend on sometime during the week. If you want a friendship, then initiate effort instead of waiting for someone to initiate things first.

Q: Okay today I called a "best friend" to see if she wanted to do anything becasue she aslways calls me with plans. She had another line and accidently forgot to press flash so she thought she was talking to one of her other friends. She was making fun of me and she made me look like a total idiot then shes like h.o god shes on the other line and she switched over and i didnt say anythign i held my hand over the phone so she wouldnt hear anything and i did that as she was saying hello over and over agian.. once she hung up i did and she called back she made up some lame excuse saying it was her sisters b-day and she would call me back with something to do around 3.. i dont know what to do i cant just switch firneds becasue i have always wanted to be firnedes with who i am firneds with now.

Ok, first of all, you shouldn't use the term "best-friend" when referring to this "faux friend". She has no resepect what-so-ever for you or your feelings. This matter shouldn't be let go, but you can go about exposing her snide remarks in a mature, but yet in-your-face, manner. By letting her get away with what she said about you, you are only letting yourself down. When, or if, she calls you back, let her know that when she tried to switch over on her call-waiting that she didn't do it properly. That you heard everything she said about you and that you would appreciate it if from now on, she could come to you with a problem or at least stop talking about you behind your back like a child. You can still be friends with other people and just regard her as an associate. Don't bother calling her or trying to make plans with her from now on, because now you know how she really perceives you. Put your efforts into another friendship and regard her "faux-friendship" as her lost.

Q: i rent a cottage in the summer and i asked my friends to come down. how can i convince my mom to let the boys stay with us? we have a tent so we could put it on the beach and we could have the boys sleep in it.

I think it would be unfair for your guy friends to have to sleep in a tent after you invite them to come and visit you. If your mother doesn't approve of the guys staying in the cottage, then maybe they can rent a hotel room instead. If not, then try to stay in touch with them through email, letters and telephone calls. Of course, if the guys don't mind sleeping in the tent, then I suggest you take that suggestion to your mother.

bio

I am a 22 year old mother of two that has had to grow up a lot faster then her years. I have been married for four years, but now am seperated from my significant other due to lack of his being able to handle a mature relationship. I can relate to almost anyone, and have been sought out, both online and off, for my advice. I answer all questions truthfully and honestly. If I don't know an answer to a question or I think other resources would be helpful, then I go into researh mode until I find an answer or the proper resource. I aspire to be a life coach in the future, because I like helping people make decisions to make their life better for their future. I am here not only to answer advice questions on this site, but to also chat with you if you feel like you need a more indepth one-on-one help.

Here are some of the guidelines I go by when answering advice questions:

I am always truthful in any advice I give.
I would never give anyone any advice that I would not follow myself.
I take into consideration your feelings when answering questions, but I will not sugar coat anything. If you are wrong, then you are wrong and I will tell you so.
If I cannot answer a question to the best of my ability, then I will point you to someone who can, or I will research my butt off until I find a helpful solution for you.