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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
Hello, I'm 22 and a recent college graduate with my bachelors. I worked retail for four years before I got my present job as a lead teacher at a preschool. It won't be my forever job but it'll give me the experience for my resume which will, in turn, help me get a good job for my degree.
Anyway, per state laws: I cannot be the only adult with my 10 children as there is a 5:1 ratio that I need to follow. So I have an assistant teacher. She's been working here for about two years so she knows her stuff but I also think that she really doesn't like me. I went in this past weekend to take all of last school years things down and put up my own. It took me longer than I anticipated to take everything down so there is more stuff bare than full. I came in this morning so excited for my assistant to see my new bulletin board and everything and she yelled at me for changing the room and making it look bad. When the overtime was offered to change the room over the weekend, she told me that she wasn't coming in on the weekend and that I can do whatever I want. Then she goes and yells at me for doing just that. Today, my kids were painting for their craft and as I was cleaning them all up in the bathroom, one got into a box of toys that I didn't see and my assistant yelled at me and told me that I need to be better at doing two things at once.
I really don't want to confront my boss about it but it's going to make this whole school year miserable for me if she keeps demeaning my work here as well. Plus, I've only been here for about two weeks. I just don't know what to do about her and how to make the situation better. I always ask her how she does things and advise so I don't do anything wrong in her eyes and it always just backfires.
The Answer
"That's not an acceptable way to speak to me."
Seriously, if she yelling, she needs to be told clearly, that that is not how you'll accept communication in your classroom.
If there is a problem after that, then do ask your boss what advice he'd give you to deal with her negativity, and her raising her voice.
Just like one of your little students—she doesn't have to like you. She has to follow the rules and not be cruel to those around her. Next time it happens, take her aside and let her know that she is not using appropriate ways to express her opinions or unhappiness.
Stop trying to win her love, and start being the leader in the classroom. If she is yelling at you, or being endlessly critical, you need to tell her she's not performing to the level expected. I know it's can be awkward in a new place, because of course you value her experience, but if she must be expected to share that experience in professional and polite ways.
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The Question
I'm a middle school girl, and I "suffer" from severe anorexia. I personally don't believe that it is an incredibly big deal, however there is one other problem. I can't lose weight. No matter what I do, nothing happens.Everyday, I record my weight, width of my waist, and what I ate that day. At the very most, I eat 750 calories a day. I do a hundred-cal workout however many times is necassary to work off the calories, plus 400 crunches. I eat organic cereal with milk for breakfast, resulting in 260 calories. For lunch, I have a 50 calorie container of applesauce, if anything. Then for supper I eat the smallest portion of whatever my mom cooks that I can get away with. Finally, I workout, doing the hundred-cal 3 times for lunch and breakfast, plus another 5 times for supper (I just estimate 500cal for supper cause I don't know how much it really is).
Despite all of this, I still don't lose weight. I fluctuate from 108.5Lb to 106, and from a 26.5in waist to 29. Im so tired of doing all of this, but I have to until I'm skinny. Anyone have an explanation? (Or at least some sort of appetite suppressant ideas)
If it helps, I'm a 5'2 female and 13 years old.
The Answer
You can't lose weight because you have no more 'weight' to lose. At this point, you are asking your body to consume your muscle mass, and probably beginning to damage your internal organs.
The next stage from where you are at isn't more weight loss—it's starvation. Along with fainting, vomiting and internal organ trouble that starvation causes.
I know this isn't what you want to hear, but the fact you feel you MUST lose more weight is the illness talking. At some point, weight loss is just muscle and organ loss. That's where you are getting too. Once that begins to happen, things can get dangerous fast, and the damage can be permanent.
Please, just keep getting treatment for your eating disorder. That is the problem here. Not your waist.
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The Question
Ok so as i said in the last one me and boyfriend have been dating for two months as of tomorrow. But i have kinda been worried that I have low key been cheating. Like there is this one guy at my school who i think is hot, but i don't flirt with him or anything i just think he is cute. So i don't think that is cheating. But another thing is that these two guys in my class like to touch my butt and it doesn't make me uncomfortable, so i don't care if they do it. Is that considered cheating? And lastly before i started dating my boyfriend,he had told me he liked someone else ( unknowing that i liked him ) and i think that i am starting to have feelings for one of the guys who touch my butt all the time. I haven't and wont do anything about liking him ( meaning i wont flirt with him or anything) but i feel really bad because i love my boyfriend and he has told me he loves me. And i would do anything for him. I don't know if i have been cheating but i am trying hard to cover up those feelings for the other guy and focus on my main guy
The Answer
There aren't any hard and fast rules about what defines cheating. Cheating is a betrayal. It's about breaking an agreement.
So let's try and look at this from the perspective of what is reasonable for your boyfriend to expect.
It's reasonable to expect your girlfriend or boyfriend might be attracted to other people—and to expect that your boyfriend or girlfriend won't do anything about that attraction.
So, far you're good. That is exactly what is happening here. You are attracted to someone else, which is totally normal for a human being, but you aren't doing anything about because you are serious about your relationship.
Another thing that can be fairly expected in the vast majority of relationships is that your girlfriend/boyfriend isn't engaging in any sexual touching with others.
And that is where this falls apart a bit. Your guy friends touching your butt, that is definitely sexual touching. Most reasonable boyfriends would expect their girlfriend to avoid, as much as she can, other people to fondling her ass. That is the agreement most boyfriends would assume they have with their girlfriend.
Honestly, if you find yourself worrying that this touching might be cheating on your boyfriend, then it does make you uncomfortable. That worry is a kind of uncomfortable.
Is is cheating? Maybe. More importantly, it's a bad boundary.
Only you can decide of you want to be in a relationship or not, but if you do, try to think about the agreement you have with your boyfriend and what you and he can fairly expect of one another. You can't expect him to never have feelings or attractions to other women, but you probably do expect him to avoid as much as possible other women touching him sexually. You should hold yourself to that same standard.
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The Question
I'm wondering if I should give my company a courtesy 2 week notice that I will be leaving or not. I feel extremely uncomfortable at my work place. I moved in with a coworker of mine about 3-4 months ago and she moved her boyfriend in without telling me and we got into ONE argument about me feeding a stray dog at the house we're renting and they were relentless about not letting the issue go. && quite frankly even before the issue I was no longer comfortable with her boyfriend living there because he was domineering towards me when it came to taking care of the dogs and cleaning the kitchen. He had no sense of respect when he spoke to me so I got sick of it and I told her after the argument that he couldn't live here anymore. So she said okay. And then later she comes back to tell me that her and michael are living together because she loves him. So I said okay, I don't care I'm over the situation, but they weren't because they kept bringing up the situation and making it into a bigger deal then it was. Eventually we talked about how he was speaking towards me and telling me to do this and that without asking me. I told her that it bugged me because that's the different between demanding something from someone and giving them the choice to do it or not. && She said he was wrong and she shouldn't have done that. Okay, that doesn't matter because he's the one that owes me an apology, not her. & Then she demanded an apology from me. These people are so incredibly passive aggressive and I have no idea how to handle them because I'm a straightforward type of person. While I lived with them they were racist towards me and kept speaking in asian accents and telling me that when I take out their dog to make sure to put the harness back on the lead because they dont want to get dirt on it. && Then when I giggled at the fact that they had fancy utensils her boyfriend said, yeah we white folks are fancy like that. I wasn't going to say anything back because I was not trying to instigate the issue any further but sure man, you're really fancy when you need a pretty piece of metal to leave your mouth when your bed is on the floor and the living room and kitchen is a mess and covered with all of your shit. Whatever.
After I moved out I asked her to keep what happened between us out of the workplace and being as the situation was, I had to move back home with my parents since I couldn't find a place in the short amount of time that she gave me to move out. I decided that it would be better to leave the company and give them a 2 week notice. I went and spoke with HR and she asked me to stay instead and that they can work the hours out and to have me come in one day a week instead of 3. (I'm a college student and I'm currently interning with them)
HR calls me a couple of days later to confirm if that was a good schedule for me so I said yes. But it's been about a month since the incident and I think that the issue that happened between her and I are surfacing at work because I can see my coworkers giving me dirty looks for no particular reason when I haven't interacted with them. I can't imagine what kind of stories she made up behind my back to get them to look at me like that. I'm discussed with her and for anyone who even sides with her.
I'm so tired of this company. I'm just an intern and I would hope that my supervisor is more competent about his job then me && He's not. At all. I pointed out several mistakes that took place on our project and he ignored it until he took it to HIS supervisor, and was told that those corrections need to be made. I walked in on a conversation of 4-5 people yesterday and everyone stops talking and looks at me. One girl blatantly laughs out laugh and stops immediately as if she let it out by accident. The more I look at this company the more disgusted I am with it. All of these people who work here are white with the exception of a handful (if even) of people of diversity. Where this company advertises that it's a minority owned company (certainly it is owned by a woman), most of the employees here are white and men.
The Answer
It's always better to give two weeks notice.
Certainly, you should quit, but you should also take a deep breath and recognize a lot of this bullshit it outside of your control, and that you shouldn't lower yourself their level in even the smallest ways. You know you are being bullied and unfairly judged, but snapping back in any way isn't going to make that better, it's just going to be used to justify the bad behavior.
Not giving that simple courtesy can come back and bite you in the ass. Unless you are being openly abused or are in fear for your safety, I'd recommend you give the two weeks and then grin and bear it.
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The Question
Hi,
There's a girl in my major who has a lot of classes with me. I use to talk to her because I thought she was a decent person, but after she kicked a girl out of her seat I stopped talking to her. It doesn't make any sense to me when someone comes in 15 minutes ahead of class to sit there and have another person come in to tell them to leave their seat. She's moody anyway and I didn't want to associate with that anymore. Sometimes she was nice and then sometimes she was mean, so I just said whatever and stopped interacting with her. Well in one of my classes she sits in front of me and she keeps turning around to annoy me. One time she said, how come everyone is drinking monster? And I looked around and it was just me and one other guy drinking it. Then she turns around to me and said you shouldn't drink that its not healthy. i said so? I just need to be awake right now. And then she said something about the taste of it and said i should drink redbull instead, so i told her, redbull is the same thing it's just a different brand. And then she said i should drink coffee and its like right there, so she pointed to the other building. And I told her, well the vending machine is right there, and pointed across the hall. She was annoyed with that and the professor came in so she just turned back around.
A couple of days ago I was not in a good mood because I was in an accident about a month ago and my whiplash was starting to hurt again, and not only that but some of the members in my group were not doing any work for the project. So I come into class and she says, you look mad. And I didn't want to get personal with her so I just said I'm normally like this, and she just sat there and watched me and then she goes, you should smile. And that set me off and I yelled at her and I said fuck you just because I don't want to interact with you doesn't mean anything damn!. I noticed some of the people in that class moved over to the other side of the class the next day.
I have no idea how I should handle this girl. I don't want to be around her at all and I want to tell her to leave me alone. I know she's a negative person and I don't want to associate with that at all, but the fact that I yelled at her made me look like a bad guy. I don't want to move seats because I still have other classes with her and if I do it'll seem like she won and she'll probably keep bothering me anyway.
The Answer
You should move seats.
Who the fuck cares if she thinks she 'won'? You are there to get an education, not battle with this bitch. You are not in high school anymore. Move away from her. She may keep bothering you, but it's also pretty damn likely she'll move on to another target.
You don't need to 'handle' her. You need to stay the hell away from her and keep your cool if she does speak to you. She brings out the worst in you. Stay away.
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The Question
Good morning,
I'll start off by telling you that I'm 25/f. I work in a university in an office, 8:30-5:00. Seems like a pretty regular work schedule. But, for some reason, it's really taking a toll on me. I'll elaborate. There are three of us in the office and we all take lunch at separate times, with the exception of the manager. He is not included in the three people I just mentioned, so he takes lunch whenever he wants. Because I was the last person to be hired in the office, I take the latest lunch, which is from 1:30pm-2:30pm. This has posed a few problems for me. I am hypoglycemic, which means that my blood sugar drops and can get very low. In order to avoid this, I typically eat about every 3 hours. But, when I have a full meal, I can extend it a little bit longer. The problem is that if I'm eating snacks all day, that's not very satisfying. By the time that it's lunch time, one of two things has happened:
1. I've eaten way too much throughout the day. I've had to be eating snacks continuously to avoid my sugar dropping and at 1:30, I'm not even hungry, but I still have to eat... because I'm not gonna get another chance to eat until 5.
2. I haven't eaten enough and I'm starving. I have a glazed look in my eye. My hands are shaking. Basically all the symptoms of a hypoglycemic person.
If I were able to switch my time to a more descent time, like 12 or 12:30, it would be a lot easier for me!
When I leave at 5, the food is typically still heavy in my tummy because it's only been about 2 hours since I ate last. It makes it difficult to feel energetic after the work and get things done, like going to the gym and running errands. I am trying to get my lunch switched, but it seems like my supervisor isn't budging.
I know that I need to find a new job soon because they are not being at all sensitive to any accommodations I have requested. I requested a day off in April because it's a Jewish holiday and I was denied the request because it's a "blocked off day." However, I think religious observation is a pretty legitimate exception. I think that switching my lunch time due to a medical condition is also a legitimate exception. But, still, no one budges. So, I am looking for a new job. In the meantime, can anyone offer me some advice on what to do?
The Answer
Besides be more careful about your pre-lunch snacking, I'm afraid I have no advice.
You are right that both refusing to alter your lunch hour and denying you a religious holiday off, are serious errors. The kind of errors you might be able to take up with human resources (a university workplace will almost certainly has some policies that should offer your some protection) or failing that, to court.
But, that's a lot of hassle. Maybe more hassle to fight than to find a new job. Whether you want to fight it or not, looking for a new job would be a good idea.
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The Question
Why do girls giggle, laugh and make stupid comments when they see me shirtless?
The Answer
Because young girls, just like boys, are curious, distracted and a bit uncomfortable with bodies of the opposite sex.
Or, it could be that they think it'd be rude to just tell you to put a shirt on.
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The Question
I've been on placement a few days a week with a small company as part of my uni course for 4 months.
Normally the people there are nice however yesterday I got snapped at for essentially being slow and that I needed a greater sense of urgency.
I am offering my services for free and the way I was spoken to by the boss made me upset and feel undermined. What's more i never get a thank you for the work that I do only chased on days I'm not meant to be in to finish off bits of work.
I feel unappreciated- is it acceptable to treat a work experience in this way? I know I'm there to learn but I'm certainly not there to be insulted!
The Answer
If you are there for school credit, then you are being compensated. If you are there as part of your required classwork, then you are not a volunteer who is 'gifting' their time. You are a student whose role includes certain expectations.
Does that mean it was okay to yell?
No. It's not okay to yell at employees, volunteers, or students. That's not cool.
However, in the workplace people will give you feedback you don't like. Bosses are people, and sometimes they slip up. Sometimes they slip up in huge ways that need to be addressed, but often, they slip up in normal human ways that need to be shrugged off. In the vast majority of cases, getting 'snapped at' for slow work, should be shrugged off.
If you aren't happy with the expectations at this work placement, either talk to your school or your supervisor about that.
Most people spend a lot of their working lives feeling unappreciated—it's not great or good—but it's part of living in the world with other people. Not all workplaces are great places to be. Learning how to perform, for the short term, in a less than ideal work environment will serve you well.
By all means, speak to your school about expectations and what is normal for work placements. If you think you are being abused or harassed, or that expectations are unreasonable, you should speak up. I suspect the school will support you and help to explain that you should not be contacted outside of your hours.
However, you also need to remember that you if you are being graded on this work-placement, or receiving class credit, that is NOT volunteering. They don't need to be petting you and thanking you all the time. It would be great if you were told that you were appreciated, but you need to be able to cope with not hearing that as well. That is schoolwork, and you need to treat it like schoolwork, which means accepting criticism about your work and trying to improve—even if they aren't super nice about it.
If you aren't getting credit, and you aren't getting paid, and you aren't liking it, then just quit.
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The Question
I've been unable to handle the pressures of high school this year. I'm a senior, and a very slow one, if you know what I mean. I'm failing some major classes due to a strong lack of interest and my finals are during this week. In my chemistry class I've learned almost nothing. I don't remember any of what I really did learn, and it's not just because of my lack of interest. I've recently noticed that reading has become increasingly difficult for me to do on my own. I cannot stay on task and I end up skipping sentences or misread things. Even when I ask for help I still can't understand what's going on. I'm also having issues in dealing with my peers. They proudly lack interest in anything that doesn't involve quite a bit of inappropriate topics. It agitates me. The classes that I enjoy, from what I've been told, have to be put aside for the requirements to be fulfilled in order for me to graduate. Unfortunately, I don't feel the same way. It's come to the point where I'm so stressed that I feel ill. I've begun to consider dropping out and hopefully pursuing an education in what I want and not what the school claims that I need. My mom told me that if I do drop out that my chances of getting into college are still possible but I'd need to make up the credits that I didn't get. She also advised me to figure out the pros and cons of this decision. As much as I'd like to graduate with my friends and get a scholarship, it doesn't seem possible where I'm at now. What would be the best thing to do?
The Answer
Dropping out without a plan to get the credits you require to graduate, would be 100% moronic. Unless you cannot function in a school environment, and are breaking down or feeling suicidal, you should continue your schooling until you have another plan in place.
Sorry. It's really that straightforward.
What you need to do is find out what credits you require and how you can get them. Speaking to a counsellor at school might be really helpful—they can usually direct to appropriate online classes or alternate schooling arrangements.
"Dropping out" is dumb. Changing the way you get your schooling so you are a more effective and successful student is what you need to do. That starts, but speaking to a school counsellor and investigating programs in your area that will allow to get the credits you need in other ways.
You should also see a doctor, and talk about your physical experiences of stress, and your difficulties. The problems you describe are not unique. Lots of young people can feel overwhelmed. It's worth making sure that there are no underlying physical problems that are making matters even worse.
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The Question
We are hosting a potluck for turkey day. the person who wanted to do this is a vegetarian, and then my boss said we all have to participate (yet, i normally dont involve myself in these activities, but since i must) ive decided to make dressing. Do I have to go out of my way to accommodate a vegetarian
co-worker?
The Answer
You don't have to be nice if you don't want to be.
It's pretty clear you don't feel like being nice to your vegetarian co-worker. So don't be. It's not a crime, it's just not bothering to be nice to someone.
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The Question
Me and my crush used to work together now we work for diff companies….I’m 31 female and my crush is 41 male well he flirts all the time with me, passes by my office daily, touches me in some form so I asked him was he single he said yes and smiled at me. I didn’t believe him, I said you are too cute to be single he smiled again…well I got some guts and asked him.to lunch and he said we’ll see well, that never happened…I found it odd since he picks on me daily and flirts and stares at me…so I did some research and found out he is engaged and has been for three years, which I don’t understand why he lied…. well ever since I asked him to lunch and that hasn’t happened I’ve noticed when he sees me with other men or people in general he gets jealous hearted and he just stares at me with this hurt sometimes angry look on his face. I’ve never told him I know he is engaged, because if I do he will know I was digging on his Facebook page, and I don’t want him to think of me as a stalker…I love talking to him etc…..but I really don’t know if I should say something at all or just leave this all alone and let him regret his actions….and me and him talk when we talk…my mom says that any man that isn’t married is single…so he can date whom he wants…..he isn’t obligated to anyone….I think too me it seems like since he can’t have me in the manner that he wants, it hurts him every time he sees me, or he knows I know he is engaged and may be wondering why I haven’t said anything to him… he doesn’t pass by my office anymore nor have we spoken since he has seen me talking to other men/and or getting rides from males that I know been about a week now. (he never asked me who they were either).they are family members btw.., he has slowly started coming back around….still flits etc, and stares at me. if I’m out during lunchtime he will wait for me so we can walk back to the office together etc….even some of our mutual work “friends” think we are dating but we aren’t. just the other day i seen him and he stood in my work doorway smirking at me, with a very divious look in his eyes...im starting to feel uneasy now... I don’t understand him, if there are no feelings for me in any shape or form, and he doesn’t like me like that, nor want me for a g/f then why is he acting this way?
The Answer
Leave it alone.
He was probably enjoying the flirting until you called his bluff, asked him out, and he realized he'd acted like a totally creep leading you on and betraying his fiance by acting as though he was available.
Your mom is completely wrong and that is the kind of attitude that will loose you friends and land you in relationships with cheaters and assholes. Adults make promises and agreements with other adults. A man who has promised to marry someone has also made an agreement and it's totally legitimate for his partner to assume he's not acting like a love-sick fool with a woman at work. He is not free to date anyone if he has promised someone else he wont. He needs to deal with the agreement he's already made in a respectful way first.
He likes the attention. He likes the flirting. He likes being able to touch you without consequences. He likes that you want him but can't have him.
Basically, he likes that his is manipulating you - and probably his fiance too.
Be on guard. The evidence you have here isn't of a man who respects his partners or behaves honestly.
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The Question
Is it weird to hang out with my teacher outside of school? We're very close and go out to dinner and movies. The relationship is platonic, so is it at all illegal? I'm supposed to be my teacher's student next year, but don't know how I'm supposed to be professional when she's told me secrets about herself and the other teachers at my school. I find it irksome that she has singled me out and has decided to spend time with me and favor me over all other students in my class. Is she at fault here?
The Answer
Yes. She is at fault here.
She shouldn't be treating you as a peer, while you are still also her student. That is utterly unfair to you.
It is very odd that an adult woman chooses her student, a sixteen year old, as a friend. Your mother is right. In fact, I think she is being very respectful and wise to tell you what she thinks, but not forbid you from seeing this person socially. If you were my daughter, I'd probably stop you from seeing this woman outside of school, and I'd complain to her boss. That is the level at which what she is doing is not okay.
It's not weird to hang out with a teacher a little bit. I had dinner with a few of my teachers (with groups of students). A teacher volunteered to take me to a play in the city when my mother couldn't, But they were still my teachers, and they didn't burden me with secrets or personal stories that I wasn't ready to handle or would have made my time at school uncomfortable. They were kind, but still professional.
What your teacher has done, is absolutely wrong. It's not illegal, but it could still likely get her in professional trouble. She is expected to have healthy boundaries with her students, and she hasn't done that with you. You deserve a teacher you can feel comfortable with, can respect and can have as stress-free learning environment as possible. She's taken that away from you.
If I were you'd I'd ask the school to not place me in her class the coming year. I'd also stop being her friend. Maybe, your mom will help you out here, and let you blame your mom's rules as the reason you can't go out with her anymore.
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The Question
Hello! For those of you that have answered my other question about me leaving a note on my crush's car with my number on it, I would just like to say that it worked! He went away on a business trip this past week and had returned late last night so he called me today. I was away at a music festival this weekend and I didn't recognize his number when he called so I sent it to voicemail. He left me a cute voicemail apologizing that it took him so long to call because he was away for work and that if I called him back, that would be really cool. He's always so shy around me in person, but tonight it was like he was a new person, he was speaking well and at a tone where I could hear him (maybe because we weren't face to face). But when I found out it was him that had called, I called him back but I think I left him the weirdest voicemail ever. I know I'm reading too much into it but I only left him a less that ten second voicemail and I feel like I sounded all giggly and awkward and shy, even though it was over the phone I was still nervous. I said and I quote "Hey ____, it's _____. *awkward pause* I guess we can just talk tomorrow if you're working. *awkward chuckle* It was really nice to have you call."
He and my brother are pretty good friends and everyone is saying that him being a guy, he probably won't pick up on the giggling or even the awkwardness since he probably felt the same awkwardness. But I'm nervous that he'll think I'm weird now or something. AND, in regards to my title above, I'm kind of mad at myself for saying that I guess we could just talk to work tomorrow. Because now I'm thinking what if he doesn't work or what if I don't see him and we don't talk? How long should I wait (or he) before maybe shooting out a text like "hey haven't seen you around to talk, we should hang out" or whatever?
I am just so afraid that my awkwardness is going to ruin this. I've liked him since high school and now to find out that he's into me to....it sends my heart racing just thinking about it. But with him not being so nervous on his voicemail and me botching mine up, I don't know what to do. I'm still nervous and I feel like he isn't. Just any help is appreciated. If you'd think my voicemail would come off weird, how long I should wait if I don't see him, that kind of thing.
Thanks!
I'm 20/f.
He's 22.
The Answer
If he is into you, it doesn't matter how awkward your voicemail was.
But you are right: You broke the first rule of trying to take it to the next level, you left it vague. Next time you speak to him, either in person, or on the phone, HAVE A PLAN. Have a movie you want to see, or an activity in mind. Don't do the whole wishy-washy "Oh, maybe we'll hang out sometime." That doesn't work and it doesn't let someone know you are actually interested. Instead, say "I will doing X on Thursday night. You should come."
If they can't make it, that's a good lead in to make some other plan instead.
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The Question
theres this guy, we met at a party but we connected and had a heart to heart we had been texting all week. he started calling me babe and complimenting me. telling me i was the only girl he talked to and that he wants to hang with me again. but when i asked him if were were "talking" he told me he doesnt do relationships. and his reasoning was. (he doesnt like being hurt and he doesnt like drama) should i even try to continue to flirt or should i just consider friends? i honestly started to like him. and ive been hurt so much i know his pain
The Answer
A guy who tells you he doesn't like drama, usually that is code for he doesn't want to deal with a human being. He doesn't want a girlfriend, or even a friend. He rather a house pet. Something who never talks back or has expectations or demands, or a perspective on life, and has nice low IQ.
I always stay away from guys who say "No Drama". In my experience, it means they aren't prepared to be respectful and kind. They think it's just soooo much hard work to be decent or considerate of other people. Bleh.
If you really want to be friends, go ahead and be friends, but remember that no wanting to 'do relationships' isn't about getting hurt. Everyone gets hurt. A lot. That's normal, humanness. A guy who 'doesn't want drama', or 'doesn't want a relationship', doesn't actually want you - not as a fellow human being.
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The Question
I am 22 year old guy finally deciding to take a swimming lesson. I went on Saturday and the class looks to have only women in it so I will be the only guy. They all look in their 30s and maybe some younger but still older than me. I called my mom and said I can't go and to cancel the lesson. She said she will if I really want to. Is this a valid concern or am I worried over nothing?
The Answer
What are you worried about?
Look, you are all adult human beings. There is nothing wrong with learning to swim together. Nothing. At all. That is perfectly normal and healthy and it's great to want to learn to swim!
So what are you worried about? You haven't actually told us what your concern is - if it's just that they happen to be women, then no, that's not valid. Half of the pollution on the planet is women, that's not a reason to not do something cool with your time, like take swimming lessons.
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The Question
he is my college teacher, married and has a baby girl too. he used to say that i love you and all and i fell for him. he used to take me for drives and all. we have started being physical too. he has touched my boobs. gave me a vaginal massage from outside. i have not let him touch my vagina from inside. i know im very wrong. and i want to end all this. but he is my teacher and that scares me. he can use his powers against me. im realy confused. i want to end all this before it goes too far. please help
The Answer
You need to inform your school.
What he is doing is wrong. It's coercive, it's bullying, it almost certainly against the rules, and it might even be against the law.
Protect yourself, and protect others, by reporting him to the school.
Yes, it's risky and it's terrifying, but if you don't it wont get better. You'll still be at risk and so will every other young women he uses his position to abuse.
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The Question
We're both 20, I'm female, he's male.
No judging or lectures please, believe me, I got chewed out by my friends afterwards.
My brother's girlfriend's younger brother is best friends with four friends that go to my college. So my brother comes up a lot to hang out with them and usually always invites me. I started getting close to one of the guys that live there so he invited me back the next night without my brother so I went with my best friend.
The next night when we went without my brother, we were all having a good time. One of the roommates was out at the bar, the other one was at the neighbor's and the other two were at home so there was maybe eight of us there. After a few hours, the roommate that was at the neighbor's came home. He has a crush on my best friend and has been trying to hook up with her. So, he got this new fish, right. When he came home from the neighbors, he saw my friend and I there and invited my friend up to his room to see his fish and she knew what he was trying to do and tried to think of a reason to not (she has a boyfriend) but didn't want to be rude so I told her to go and I'll get her in five minutes if she isn't back yet.
Meanwhile, I'm downstairs with the guy I've been talking to - the roommate that invited my friend and I back - on the couch. He was being very flirty, telling me I'm beautiful and he's glad we went back to next night since my brother was intimidating to him.
He would lean over and lay his head on my shoulder or run his fingers up my arm, so I rubbed my shoe down his leg, blah blah.
Then, my friend texted me about five minutes later an sos message so I told the guy I'm talking to to wait and I'll be back. So he waited, I went up to get her and she was pretty upset so I asked what was going on and the guy that was trying to hook up with her started hollering that she's a terrible person and that he lead her on and she shouldn't have done that. So she left upset, saying it'd just be best if she left the house as a whole but I told her to just go downstairs and talk to my guy, he's on the bottom step waiting for me so she went downstairs. She texted me a minute later that he wasn't there so I went down and he wasn't there so I asked the third roommate where he went and he pointed to his room. So I took my friend back to his room and he was on his bed watching netflix, I asked why he went in his room and he said we were taking too long but he asked what happened so she told him and I got mad listening to her talk about him yelling at her so I told her to stay there in his room while I went to talk to him again.
I went back upstairs to have a friendly conversation with him and it quickly turned into him yelling at me then. That he doesn't even like my friend and I, to leave him alone, that I don't even know him, to leave his house and not come back. So, I got pissed and went back down to my friend. My guy asked if it was all good but I told him that I can't come back (mainly because I just didn't want to see that roommate anymore, not because he kicked me out) and he told me that his opinion isn't the opinion of the whole house, the other three roommates like us so we could go back.
Later, my friend's boyfriend came to get her and I stayed back in his room. We hooked up (shocker) and we fell asleep cud ding. We didn't have sex, I was on my period but I didn't tell him that so I think he thought I didn't want to have sex with him because it would be awkward to tell him that the first time we're "together" that I was on my period so we just did what allowed. I then left when he fell asleep to go back to my place.
Now its about two weeks after, he texted me the next day when I texted him to have a good day at work and he said thanks, he was glad I went to his place that night. Now, he won't talk to me. Ignores my texts, doesn't say hi in person.
What gives? Do you think his roommate talked crap on me and he got mad? Do you think he's mad I didn't have sex with him?
The Answer
Well, his roommate is an abusive piece of shit. Let's just be clear about that: There is no excuse for yelling and name-calling because someone didn't want to sleep with you. That is always, 100%, an asshole move.
As for the guy you have a crush on - it's impossible for us to know how he felt about what happened. But here's the thing: If he is angry with you for supporting your friend after she was treated so terribly by the asshole roommate, then he is also an asshole, and you can count yourself lucky that he is ignoring you now.
If he's angry that you didn't want to have sex with him - see above. Also asshole, and you can count yourself lucky that he is ignoring you now.
There is a third option tho, and it's the most likely thing:
He's just not that into you.
It sucks, but frankly, that is what is probably going on here. Whatever else might be going on as well, whatever he might have thought about what happened that night, he's also probably just not into you all that much.
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The Question
I apologize in advance, my ordering of events and questions is far cry from perfect. But I try to get necessary information in with the question in proximity. I hope that is an understandable action.
I "met" this girl roughly a year and a half ago, and in the beginning it was a generally good chatting, maybe mild flirting ( I still deny being a flirt, or a good one.) She would send me images of herself(With clothing, always), all the random emoticon, usually pertaining to affection, and similar things. ( Which also occurs now) I had gained feelings for her, but not anything too serious. Then at some point, a lull occurred, and we didn't talk for 5 months.
( This would be a fair time to point out, She is in Romania, and I in America. So this has never been anything physical, solely words and emotion. That sounds cheesy..)
Now, fast forwarding to say the past few weeks, we talk daily most of the time. usually it is me to initiate it, but whenever we start to talk she engages. Now, sometimes she will read what I say, but never reply. This can vary from a serious question to how are you. And after about a day(or less) I will ask what happened and she always gives me a reason, and she is never upset with me saying something again. Is this normal for someone to repeatedly not answer a message for so long?
Now, to focus on the subject a bit more, very recently she had a realization of how much I had grown to care for her. And how she never knew how much I really meant it.(She went through the brief "oh my I didn't know" stage.) In the time since we began speaking again, I had grown a much greater affinity for her, despite the not answering, and the interlacing moments of where she barely replied when she did. Does this seem logical to happen?
Now, the thing that sort of takes the cake, is she made this realization, 5 days after having a new boyfriend.(I was unaware prior.) so, all this time before, she still would show affection, or say some of the ridiculous pet names we'd give another. This raises a question: Does this mean she'd be flirtatious with other guys had we kinda gotten together?(Emotional/status manner, since the distance.) Would this be a girl I should stay interested in? - While in a not so great moment of disagreement, I had asked if she would like me to go, stop talking with her, and she had answered no, that I am special and she doesn't want to lose touch again. I like to believe there is sincerity in that, and to take comfort in it. But not all of her stories have added up. But any of those have mostly been trivial. And I suppose not every single little thing should be answered. I wonder if I am fooling myself to look past those or not.
So, after this extremely long description, I'd like to know your input. Should I keep caring and talking with this girl? Should I let so many things bother me?(Knowing the person you care for has a boyfriend that can and is probably actively putting his hands on her, among other things, is somewhat unsettling. As an example.) Or maybe should I move on?
Simultaneously, I don't want to actively be a bar in her new relationship, as much as that could potentially please me. I don't want to be that type of guy. Things like I see her more active on the social media we talk on, but whenever I say something, it's isn't quickly acknowledged, so I can make the assumption she is talking with him. So I don't want to butt in and become an annoyance while she is talking with him.(Only an assumption)
I feel overall this may be too far, or maybe I am just willing to admit it really does bother me.
Thanks in advance for input! And hopefully not excessive insult with profanity. I am sincere in my questions, and sincerely unsure what to do.
Brian 19/M
Her 17/F
The Answer
This girl is in a relationship with someone else and lives on another continent.
What are you trying to 'earn' with your 'investment'?
If you are only 'investing' in her, in hopes of getting a relationship of some sort in return, or some sort of sexual chatting or pictures, then you need to stop. That is a bad investment and not really respectful expectation of her. There is no real possibility for a relationship here. With your ages, and your distance, it's entirely reasonable for her to seek out romantic connections with people near her. That's not shallow or bad of her. That's just normal and reasonable.
It's okay that's she's met someone, and it's okay that it bothers you, but you are right that you can't do anything about it except decide whether you want to continue this friendship.
If you actually value her as a friend and person in your life, to talk to have an a non-romantic human connection with, then maybe this is still a good investment, but you do have to recognize that the nature of your friendship is probably going to change a bit, and become less intense and have different boundaries, now that she had a boyfriend. It's not fair to blame or judge her for getting excited and invested in a new relationship with someone she can actually hang out with and speak to in person. Cooling it with you is the right thing for her to be doing. If you want to be a friend, you have to accept that being a friend means tolerating your friends excitement about their new relationship, and not expecting boyfriend-level of attention from a person in a relationship with someone else.
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The Question
im 18 and his 30. hes married and soon going to be a father too. hes my college teacher. 2 months ago we started talking. and we talk like best best friends. recently he started saying i loveyou. even i say it.but for me its in a best friend manner. i like him. every girl in college does. we flirt too but its just for fun. he has dropped me home twice. yesterday we went for a long drive and while coming he held my hand for about 3-4 mins as he was driving. he dropped me home. and later he texted me saying that "i wanted to hug u". and his next message was im not sure whether its right or not. then later while coming back home we were quiet fr sumtym. so he texted me sayn that "i think we were quiet because we both wanted to come close to each other. i may be wrong also" i replied saying i dnt think that this is the reason for the silence.he then was like im eally sorry for that msg. im feeling bad. im feeling akward and so on. i dont know wether i shud trust him or not.i dont know whats goin on in his head. please help
The Answer
His intention is to cheat on his wife with you.
I mean, duh. He is grooming you to be his mistress, using his power as your teacher to enforce that, and to have you help him betray his pregnant wife. He's actively driving the situation towards that.
All of the hand-holding, touching, saying "I love you.", he is ALREADY betraying his wife. He's also doing something he likely knows is against the rules at your college, and perhaps even against the law. Are you willing to be blind to his cheating and lying to others just because it makes you feel good? That's not okay.
Stay away. Seriously. If he has gone silent, good. He was massively misbehaving. Set up some boundaries and have some respect, not just for his wife, but for yourself. You are not just someone he can pick up when he is bored or disappointed at home. You are a person, not just something he can use.
You don't need to know what he is thinking. You already know how he is acting. How he is acting is disrespectful of you, it's manipulative of you, and it's betraying his wife. You can't trust a person who is behaving that way.
If he wont back off, you should talk about this with someone at your school. He is abusing his power over you. If you are feeling threatened by that, you deserve the support of your school.
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The Question
I am feeling somewhat depressed and down. I have been told that drinking a beer or two can help you feel better and more relaxed . Is this true?
The Answer
Like all drugs, how alcohol will effect you is highly personal. Everyone will react a bit differently.
However, fundamentally, booze is a depressant. It makes people calmer yes - but that calm can also come in the form of sadness, depression or even anger. So it's a horrible thing to try and use to counter-act any actual depression you might be feeling.
It might sound lame, but exercise and eating well will almost definitely make you feel much better than beer will.
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