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Crush went wrong and now i'm scared
Me and my crush used to work together now we work for diff companies….I’m 31 female and my crush is 41 male well he flirts all the time with me, passes by my office daily, touches me in some form so I asked him was he single he said yes and smiled at me. I didn’t believe him, I said you are too cute to be single he smiled again…well I got some guts and asked him.to lunch and he said we’ll see well, that never happened…I found it odd since he picks on me daily and flirts and stares at me…so I did some research and found out he is engaged and has been for three years, which I don’t understand why he lied…. well ever since I asked him to lunch and that hasn’t happened I’ve noticed when he sees me with other men or people in general he gets jealous hearted and he just stares at me with this hurt sometimes angry look on his face. I’ve never told him I know he is engaged, because if I do he will know I was digging on his Facebook page, and I don’t want him to think of me as a stalker…I love talking to him etc…..but I really don’t know if I should say something at all or just leave this all alone and let him regret his actions….and me and him talk when we talk…my mom says that any man that isn’t married is single…so he can date whom he wants…..he isn’t obligated to anyone….I think too me it seems like since he can’t have me in the manner that he wants, it hurts him every time he sees me, or he knows I know he is engaged and may be wondering why I haven’t said anything to him… he doesn’t pass by my office anymore nor have we spoken since he has seen me talking to other men/and or getting rides from males that I know been about a week now. (he never asked me who they were either).they are family members btw.., he has slowly started coming back around….still flits etc, and stares at me. if I’m out during lunchtime he will wait for me so we can walk back to the office together etc….even some of our mutual work “friends” think we are dating but we aren’t. just the other day i seen him and he stood in my work doorway smirking at me, with a very divious look in his eyes...im starting to feel uneasy now... I don’t understand him, if there are no feelings for me in any shape or form, and he doesn’t like me like that, nor want me for a g/f then why is he acting this way?
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Adviceman is right. I will say one thing though. In todays age, there are many people who aren't "in love" with the person they are dating, but for whatever reasons, love some things about them enough to think marriage might work and they get engaged and have these long long engagements without ever getting married. Or on the wedding day the one partner stands up the other and never shows up, or leaves the alter, getting 'cold feet' because although they really like and have some feelings for that person, somehow on a subconscious level the person realizes they aren't quite willing to be hitched to that person for the rest of their lives so they stall with long engagements that can be 3 years to 10 years as I've heard in some cases. To me, this kind of person may not really be committed to their betrothed, just going through with the motions. A person like this is also likely to snap at some future point and cheat whether dating, engaged or married cus they just don't feel totally fulfilled with their partner. At 41, he is no young thing and could be a bachlor all this time cus he's just never felt sure about any girl before or had many dating relationships that ended for whatever reason or he could have been married before. His way of seeking you out and paying all this attention to you to the point coworkers think you are a couple is soo wrong for this girl he's engaged to if he's at all serious and in love with her. If its about saving up for a grand reception wedding celebration but he's so in love, why not marry in front of a judge, (a daughter of mine did this) and later have the celebration. ( for her it was a year later) Other than money, there's nothing holding them back but not really being willing to marry for some reason. His fiancee would throw a fit if she surprised him by coming to the office and then catching him paying you the kind of attention he does. Its not a crime to be friendly with co workers but that would mean being friendly to all, not seeking out one or two. Are you this friendly with all the men in the office? Probably not. Are all the other men in the office, no matter of marital status, paying you the same kind of attention? I guarantee they are not. And thats what puts this into the right light, that this is a kind of stalking. It may not fall under 'sexual' harassment but it is harassment. You may like certain things about him and be hopeful to find a man for yourself. Frankly, at his age, I'd steer clear cus its more likely a big bag of trouble, him being the problem and not a matter of a young man with inexperience and just not knowing any better or being the player and cheater. SO follow what adviceman said, go to him first and give him a chance to change and leave you alone and I would also mention that you've had many coworkers asking if the two of you are a couple because what he's doing is SOOO obvious and not right if he's engaged. Steer clear of this guy. Just look for the friendliness and other traits in him you like in another guy, one who can be honest with you and won't flirt with his coworkers.
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It has been many decades since I've dated, four and a half to be exact. Even so I do not believe something's have changed. If you are engaged it means you have made a commitment to someone and you are no longer free to date as you please. You are in what I call the pre-marriage phase of a committed relationship.
As long as he is engaged to someone he is not available to anyone to date even if you wanted to date him which I don't feel you do. He is in a way stalking and sexually harassing you at the office (im starting to feel uneasy now) You could if you want go to the HR department and report this. Once you do they should have procedures to prevent him from continuing.
You could also just go up to him and say to him, "I'm told you are engaged and I do not appreciate the looks you give me when I'm with other men or the flirting." "I'm sure your fiancé would not appreciate hearing your flirting with me either." "I know in her place I would not appreciate finding this out." "So stay away and stop stalking or staring at me or she may just find out the hard way."
Don't tell how you found out he's engaged. By saying you heard it insinuates someone told you that is all you need to say. If he tells you to stay away from his fiancé. Just say there are other ways she could find out without my telling her directly, I would never tell someone something like this directly but you might have to if you don't stop.
Of course put what I've written in your own words. If he is smart he will understand that his job is in jeopardy if you have to carry out your threat and go to HR. You should not have to spell it out for him or make the threat directly to him.
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Leave it alone.
He was probably enjoying the flirting until you called his bluff, asked him out, and he realized he'd acted like a totally creep leading you on and betraying his fiance by acting as though he was available.
Your mom is completely wrong and that is the kind of attitude that will loose you friends and land you in relationships with cheaters and assholes. Adults make promises and agreements with other adults. A man who has promised to marry someone has also made an agreement and it's totally legitimate for his partner to assume he's not acting like a love-sick fool with a woman at work. He is not free to date anyone if he has promised someone else he wont. He needs to deal with the agreement he's already made in a respectful way first.
He likes the attention. He likes the flirting. He likes being able to touch you without consequences. He likes that you want him but can't have him.
Basically, he likes that his is manipulating you - and probably his fiance too.
Be on guard. The evidence you have here isn't of a man who respects his partners or behaves honestly.
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