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Unsure if this girl is really the best decision to invest time and emotion
I apologize in advance, my ordering of events and questions is far cry from perfect. But I try to get necessary information in with the question in proximity. I hope that is an understandable action.
I "met" this girl roughly a year and a half ago, and in the beginning it was a generally good chatting, maybe mild flirting ( I still deny being a flirt, or a good one.) She would send me images of herself(With clothing, always), all the random emoticon, usually pertaining to affection, and similar things. ( Which also occurs now) I had gained feelings for her, but not anything too serious. Then at some point, a lull occurred, and we didn't talk for 5 months.
( This would be a fair time to point out, She is in Romania, and I in America. So this has never been anything physical, solely words and emotion. That sounds cheesy..)
Now, fast forwarding to say the past few weeks, we talk daily most of the time. usually it is me to initiate it, but whenever we start to talk she engages. Now, sometimes she will read what I say, but never reply. This can vary from a serious question to how are you. And after about a day(or less) I will ask what happened and she always gives me a reason, and she is never upset with me saying something again. Is this normal for someone to repeatedly not answer a message for so long?
Now, to focus on the subject a bit more, very recently she had a realization of how much I had grown to care for her. And how she never knew how much I really meant it.(She went through the brief "oh my I didn't know" stage.) In the time since we began speaking again, I had grown a much greater affinity for her, despite the not answering, and the interlacing moments of where she barely replied when she did. Does this seem logical to happen?
Now, the thing that sort of takes the cake, is she made this realization, 5 days after having a new boyfriend.(I was unaware prior.) so, all this time before, she still would show affection, or say some of the ridiculous pet names we'd give another. This raises a question: Does this mean she'd be flirtatious with other guys had we kinda gotten together?(Emotional/status manner, since the distance.) Would this be a girl I should stay interested in? - While in a not so great moment of disagreement, I had asked if she would like me to go, stop talking with her, and she had answered no, that I am special and she doesn't want to lose touch again. I like to believe there is sincerity in that, and to take comfort in it. But not all of her stories have added up. But any of those have mostly been trivial. And I suppose not every single little thing should be answered. I wonder if I am fooling myself to look past those or not.
So, after this extremely long description, I'd like to know your input. Should I keep caring and talking with this girl? Should I let so many things bother me?(Knowing the person you care for has a boyfriend that can and is probably actively putting his hands on her, among other things, is somewhat unsettling. As an example.) Or maybe should I move on?
Simultaneously, I don't want to actively be a bar in her new relationship, as much as that could potentially please me. I don't want to be that type of guy. Things like I see her more active on the social media we talk on, but whenever I say something, it's isn't quickly acknowledged, so I can make the assumption she is talking with him. So I don't want to butt in and become an annoyance while she is talking with him.(Only an assumption)
I feel overall this may be too far, or maybe I am just willing to admit it really does bother me.
Thanks in advance for input! And hopefully not excessive insult with profanity. I am sincere in my questions, and sincerely unsure what to do.
Brian 19/M
Her 17/F
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Don't keep talking to her if you have feelings for her. She has a boyfriend. Unless you can put your feelings aside and be just a friend, then you shouldn't continue.
It's normal to feel bothered that someone you have feelings for is with someone else.
If you want to keep her in your life, you need to move on and put your feelings aside. I don't know if you're just simply looking for a relationship from her, if you are, then just stop talking to her. If you do want a friendship and you're willing to only be a friend then there are things you have to do.
You have to realize there are boundaries. You will be only a friend to her. Being a friend means being ok with her being with someone else. If you're not ready for that, then stop.
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Good question mate. I reckon it pretty much hinges on whether there is any real intent on either side to realise your relationship in person at some time? Most of what you describe would indeed be totally unacceptable in a physical relationship. Either it would have to stop, or your relationship would have to end, of course. An actual physical relationship with a guy she lives near is, I'm afraid going to out-gun a long-distance, online relationship for most healthy young women of seventeen. You're obviously being burned, and chewed-up. You really like her, and what guy wouldn't be the same if the girl he was keen on was 'with another guy' and remiss in answering his communications all the time? To my mind you've got to end all the emotional turbulence you're feeling, one way or another. Is the online relationship just a bit of fun/distraction to her, or could there be a solid, real relationship here at sometime? Only way you'll find out is by asking her directly. If she said she would choose YOU if it was more practically realistic, would and could you be able to do at least your half (or more) in removing the obstacle of distance? If you get the required positives, then it's 'game on' as they say! Otherwise, you'll either have to view the online/electronic relationship as a harmless sort of distraction and a bit of fun yourself, and not let the fact that she has a flesh-and-blood boyfriend get under your skin. Or if that's just not an option for you, take the decision to end the narrative/communications yourself. You're showing a lot of compassion and real understanding in the way you've worded this question. I might point out that there will surely be many young women a lot closer to home who would love this kind of thought and sensitivity in a guy. I know. That's not what you really want to hear right now is it? SHE'S the one who's filling your thoughts. But keep it in mind mate, eh?? Right now, take a deep breath and roll the dice. You're up in the air all the time now, hanging. That's never a great place to be. Act soon. It'll end the anguish one way or the other. Best of luck mate!
ps. Kind of hate to say it, but not everything on the worldwide web is always what it seems. What you do NOT do is get sweet-talked into any sort of bank transfers or mailing cash for 'visits' (or the like) that will never happen. Probably not relevant, but be careful.
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Hi Brian,
Actually you have very good questions and explained yourself well. It's not cheesy, but I will say that long distance relationships, for the most part...if long term, end up being nothing more than an illusion of the mind. In long distance, there are many types of input missing that the human mind needs to feel this is just as real as any face to face relationship and will begin to create by the imagination, images, scenarios, dreaming about the things you can not get long distance like what it feels like to hug or hold the person. We all want to feel that intimate touch with another human, especially important when feelings of interest occur as a person needs to discover if there is more than just the feelings, is there chemistry? This is something, no one can know merely from chatting short or long term. After a divorce, I got on a dating site where I met and found my husband. Being a bit older this time around, (in late 40's) I had learned some things in life and that helped me to realize that the internet was only to be used as a tool for coming to learn of the existance of the other person, not for going for a relationship long distance. So, even though advertising only for my area, in driving distance, quite often I found guys who sounded wonderful, perfect over the computer but there are so many things I can't learn over the computer that were important to me. See, in first marriage, I was sexually mismatched with the husband. I learned how important not just attraction with the eyes was, (seeing a persons image isn't enough) I had to be in their presence and close to see if I felt any chemistry. So even though I met guys at coffee shops or restaurants, I made sure to sit close enough and often to plan for a kiss before leaving to see if I felt any chemistry with the person. If there is chemistry, it feels heavenly, if not, it's a turn off, feeling like you just had a romantic kiss with your sister. There's nothing you can do to change existance of chemistry. Every person has something called pheremones. Its that invisible thing that attracts us to the other romantically and sexually. the rest is important too, getting to love the person for who they are inside but thats not enough. In person we need to be able to trust who that person is inside, at core, and when its not an 'in person' relationship, there is a lack of ability to slowly build trust in the other by being around to observe whether they are consistant in their character in a positive way so we know we can trust who they are at core. Unless you have an extremely shy person who does better LD on the net, or suffers certain social or anxiety disorders, females generally really need to date a guy in person. A your ages, you're still learning to understand the opposite sex and thats hard to do long distance. It in the day to day in person relationship that females get what they need from a guy. Tell me which you'd prefer: A female seeing your pic on line and commenting on how handsome and fit you are, or the female who happens to touch your upper arm in conversation and with a startled look says, wow-you're really muscular, and I just felt some kind of spark, i dont think was static electricity. Did you feel that too? The latter of course is going to be the most desireable choice of either scenerio for any red blooded male. Well, same goes for girls, the one who can feel a guy holding her hand, kissing her, to take her dancing, snuggle with while talking or watching a movie, etc...is important and so in comparison, a guy who is present at her end is always going to take precedence in importance over one long distance. You're older enough to be sexually active. How satisfying is it going to be long term to remain celibate, saving yourself for her for the one day it might work to meet in person to see if you can work out a relationship forever such as being married and having kids. Theres a lot of work involved into having someone from another country switch to the U.S. and be allowed residency not to mention citizenship.
She obviously needed something more than what an on line relationship can offer and went for another guy. The fact that she is dating him means there is no chance of her ever falling in love with you 100%, even if he were to leave her. You'd still have to compete with all the hundreds of guys who live near enough to meet her in person and establish a relationship. So to continue hoping you are that important to her, is a dead end. If you aren't ready to commit to a girl and only seek the social interaction of conversation at a surface level, then chatting with girls online and never in person is a good way to go, in person is better. If you have phobias about becoming close to a girl or fears of commitment, LDR's are also a safe alternative.
However, if you are seriously looking for a female as a buddy to socially just hang out with, as a friend with benefits, for a long term live together relationship or a marriage with eventual kids, then you are severely limiting your chances of finding a girl, especially one who would leave all her family behind to come live in the U.S. with you.
I am throwing out a random number dear, but hoping for an LDR girl to work out so you end up together forever and in love is probably more like 1 chance in a thousand compared to one in lets say one hundred. Yes, one hundred is a lot too, but much more achievable. In 2 1/12 years of being on a dating site, I easily met and dated 100 guys short term and only one came close to being the right one for me and is now my 2nd husband. It was so right that he knew within a couple days of meeting me that he wanted to marry me and I was that sure as well. Of course as I said, I am older and we both have more life experience to know for sure what we were seeing, sensing and feeling was for real. Its almost 6 yrs we're together and still going strong. If he had lived in another country and we hadn't met yet, we easily may never have and just gone with who was closer at hand, settling for less. So even if she seems like the best deal for you, a 10 on a scale of 1 to 10, but no chance of e ver meeting, compared to woman who are 8's or 9's on a scale of 1 to 10 in person, it's more likely you have a greater chance of having something with the female in person than just the hopeful wishing of the other. Hope this explains well enough. If you have more questions, address them to me by posting it from my column instead of putting it in the comment area for this answer.
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This girl is in a relationship with someone else and lives on another continent.
What are you trying to 'earn' with your 'investment'?
If you are only 'investing' in her, in hopes of getting a relationship of some sort in return, or some sort of sexual chatting or pictures, then you need to stop. That is a bad investment and not really respectful expectation of her. There is no real possibility for a relationship here. With your ages, and your distance, it's entirely reasonable for her to seek out romantic connections with people near her. That's not shallow or bad of her. That's just normal and reasonable.
It's okay that's she's met someone, and it's okay that it bothers you, but you are right that you can't do anything about it except decide whether you want to continue this friendship.
If you actually value her as a friend and person in your life, to talk to have an a non-romantic human connection with, then maybe this is still a good investment, but you do have to recognize that the nature of your friendship is probably going to change a bit, and become less intense and have different boundaries, now that she had a boyfriend. It's not fair to blame or judge her for getting excited and invested in a new relationship with someone she can actually hang out with and speak to in person. Cooling it with you is the right thing for her to be doing. If you want to be a friend, you have to accept that being a friend means tolerating your friends excitement about their new relationship, and not expecting boyfriend-level of attention from a person in a relationship with someone else.
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Hey Brian!
I seriously don't curse much on here, but the situation is f***ed up. I have been in situations like this so many times and it's always heartbreak. Not only ends in it, but the whole relationship is just heartbreak too. You seem to have strong feelings for her, and you are letting her treat you like a nothing.
I can tell you are not happy with this relationship at all with every ? you type.
I don't think she feels the same things you feel for her. In fact, I'm fairly certain she doesn't. And that is a brutal pill to have to swallow. If someone truly matters to you, you respond to their texts!! No excuses! Don't ever make excuses for other people. It's so hurtful when they don't reply! I know that!
I have a close friend with big texting issues, and one day I had enough and said "you will have to get better because there are some things I do not put up with."
I got tons of emails from him the next day. Sometimes people have issues like that and those issues can literally get UNBEARABLE. So tell it to her to her face that you cannot put up with this behavior and hot and cold situation, because I think Brian, that you know you can't put up with it forever.
My friend's issue is just bad communication. So when it gets too much I tell it to his face, and he always tries to get better.
Is she worth your time? No! Your emotions? HELL NO!! You are already hurt by this.
All your questions, is this normal? Is this logical? I mean her not telling you about the new boyfriend. I say RUN BRIAN RUNN!!
Do not invest any time or effort or anything at all. I honestly don't think she feels the same way, and it'll just keep getting worse.
And hearing about your situation is very sad, because my closest friend has similar long distance issues with his online crushes.
If I know one thing from my guy friends is how they really want and need a woman's love. She is giving you no love, Brian. You deserve to be loved, you deserve someone who appreciates you and both your feelings are mutual, and to her, you will be her hero. That's the woman that will love you.
Honestly this girl is not worth another minute of your time. If we start making excuses for other people, thats when we know it's bad. Unsure of what to do? Cut her out of your life. I would. You could totally be right in everything you suspected might even be happening back in Romania.
This is sad. Get the hell out of her life. Run!
Best of luck, remember to never settle, ever! Find someone who really wants to be with you and hang out with you, and someone that is crazy about you and you are her Prince Charming.
Good luck! Let her go, sweetie! I'm sorry this sucks. :(
Wishing you all the best, just dont settle for people that treat you like you weren't a priority to them at all.
xoxo
~alexisgirlie
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