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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
i am a 17 year old girl who has feelings for my 21 year old step-brother and is it normal. i really need your help i dont know how i am going to tell him
from
hannah
xx
The Answer
It might be normal to develop a crush on a step-sibling, but that doesn’t mean its okay to act on those feelings. We often have feelings that are not okay to turn into actions.
You haven’t given many details here. Perhaps you haven't even known each other very long, but it's still not okay to pursue your step brother romantically.
It will cause a great deal of upset and discomfort for everyone involved. Mostly to him, as he will almost certainly have to turn you down, and then be very uncomfortable and awkward around you for a very long time.
Take a deep breath, and look for someone who is available to you. Your stepbrother may as well be married for all the good it does you. He's not an available man for you. Not at your age, or with your family connection.
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The Question
this is just a general question,if you are starting to see someone, is it ok to ask how their past relationshp ended? just to make sure your possible relationship won't end the same way?
The Answer
Actually, I disagree.
I'm always very curious about how past relationships end. I'd like to be able to ask, and I'd hope someone who wanted to get to know me would feel free to ask me too.
Where we have been, has a lot to do with where we are now.
Of course, how and when you ask about past relationships is important, and if you are doing it just to 'make sure it doesn't end the same way this time' you are doing it for the wrong reason. That's fearful and judgmental. It turns people off and is offending. These sorts of things aren't meant to be a game of 'gotcha' it's a chance to listen to another person tell you about their life and feelings on relationships.
By all means ask, but remember it's all part of getting to know one another, you are not trying to catch your partner or invent possible future problems. Just to be able to share things honestly. People like to talk about themselves and their views and opinions. Don't seek to judge them ormthier ex. Just listen.
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The Question
I emailed a guy and told him how I felt about him. He wrote back a few days later. Saying that he apologizes if he doesn't respond back in a timely manner. I then replied back telling him not to rush. Whenever you get the chance to get online again you could reply back then.
Sometime after I sent that email to him. He's been online and active but has yet to reply back to my email. What could be the reason as to why he hasn't replied yet? I'm a 26 yr old Leo female. Emailing an 26 yr old Virgo male. I sent him the email on September 15th 2011 now it's September 26th 2011. I hope I'm not reading too much into it.
The Answer
He's not interested.
He's avoiding you, because he doesn't have the courage to admit he is not interested and/or he thinks he is sparing your feelings this way if he just ignores you.
But in the end, he's not interested.
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The Question
Hi I'm 14 and my sister said I more like 11.
But that's not what I need advice.Ok I'm not going to tell all info so I will just say this:Her Mom got had her then got re mairred(yes she was mirred the frist time) and had Two kids.
And the guy she was mairred to never nice to Mom.
Mom had us(me and my older sister) and we are close to Mom's Mom and her hasdand(and there two not so kids anymore kids.)I'm on crutches(I don't wan this thang to be longer then it has to be so I'm not going to say how I got on crutches)and My Aunt wanted to know what pain RX I was on so I ask my Mom(Me and my sister wanted to go down to there house for thankgiving 5 hours away) and when my Mom said it had a long name and when I got my pain Rx stuff she look.And then being the good(most of the time)mother she is she ask me why?I did not know she would get mad so I tolled her the true.And she got mad.Not at me. Not at the fact my Aunt wanted to know it's name.This is what she(my Aunt) said that made Mom mad:Well is this something the the doc give to you or your give to you?
Now we can't go on the trip.Mo said that she all ready had made up her mind but Had not said it. I said all this to say:Did I make this happen?
Please tell me like it is.
P.S.If this has missed spelled stuff in it please forgive me. If I don't get this done New Mom will see and that will not be good.Thanks
The Answer
You didn't make this happen.
There is something going on between these two adults that you can't control. You can't even know what it is.
I know it's tough when family members disagree or get upset with eachother, but the best thing you can do is just back off and let them figure it out. It might just be a misunderstanding, or it could be a disagreement that started before you were even born.
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The Question
Hey,
I'm a nineteen year old female, and my boyfriend is 21. We've dating for a few months and such, and now we are having this consistent problem.
Well, we've been having sex and such, which there used to be some problems because he was so inexperienced. He then got better and we did it a lot. And since last week, he can no longer.. 'get it up.'
At first I took it offensively.. cause it was for a few days. But then I decided it was just something that happens, which is true. But after a week there's still no changing. He doesn't even seem interested. He wont even try to like.. do anything to me and such.
It's like he completely lost interest in that whole aspect. And to be honest, it's just infuriating, cause I know he's just over thinking. I tried everything. I really did. But nothing works. I don't tell him he's pissing me off, but I'm so close. He just treats me so different now, that I'm debating just throwing this relationship away just because of sex.
I know it sounds selfish, but hey, he'd probably do the same shit if I wasn't working. I don't know what to do. Any advice?
The Answer
Well, you do need to chill out a bit.
It's important for him to know that this is upsetting you, but the anger you have in this question is far too extreme for a week or two of low sexual interest.
He could be stressed, or tired -- Did he just return to school last week?
It's not selfish to know what you want and to ask for it, it IS selfish not to take a deep breath and be calm when you ask, and listen to another person’s answers.
Stop working yourself up into a fit. Take 10 deep breaths and then tell him "Look, something has changed and I'm not happy about it. Please tell me what you are thinking. Have you noticed? Do you have an opinion?..."
And then just shut up a listen for a few minutes. He's not an idiot. He likely knows that you are pissed. Give him some time and space to talk honestly with you. If your tone with him in real life is anything like your tone in this question, even a little bit, he is going to turn off and shut down. You are not sounding like someone it’s easy to be honest or vunderable with.
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The Question
i currently have had braces for about a year now. i used to live in ga, but i ended up moving. before i moved, i asked my orthodontist to send my records over, but we're caught in a bit of situation and they're refusing to send my records over. i desperately need to go see another orthodontist soon because it's been a long while now since i've had a checkup. my question is: can i go to a orthdontist without my records? can i just ask them to take my braces off and start over if that's necessary? the money is not an issue because i've been saving. i'm just wondering if there's anything i can do right now. thank you.
The Answer
Call one or two local orthodontists and ask them.
They probably can help you without records. It might cost more, and they might need to do more work and take more time than if they had the records, but they can likely help you.
However, you need to ask.
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The Question
Hey i'm 20/f and i'm 5'7 and weigh about 180 pounds. I'm wanting to lose like 30 pounds within the next couple months. I do eat healthy and exercise regularly but i feel like the weight just isnt coming off. I know some diet pills are bad and such i dont want a lecture please. I'm looking for a diet pill that will work and actually work, i know theres no over night cure but anything would help please!
The Answer
There is no such thing as a good diet pill, or one that works. Diet pills, by definition, cannot work.
If you want to invest in something, pick a good multi vitamin, otherwise eating less and exercising more is all there is to it.
If that isn't working for you, speak to a doctor, don't buy scam pills.
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The Question
is it cheating if you get a blow job from a girl who isnt your girlfriend?
The Answer
Cheating is the breaking of a pre-existing agreement.
Unless your agreement with your girlfriend is that getting blow jobs from other girls is okay, then you have to assume that it's not okay.
So yes. That is cheating.
Cheating is deception and breaking a promise, agreement or rule.
If you've decieved your girlfriend, or broken a promise to her, or an agreement with her, then you cheated.
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The Question
i am in year 7/middle school at a private school. ok i was being annoying on the bus and prank calling a year five girl. her mom got angry with me over the phone and i was so scared of her i couldn't eat for a whole day and barely slept. i tryed saying sorry and stuff she said otherwise in the phone call. my dad was called by her dad because apparently she was too angry to talk to my dad. she emailed the head of junior school. i am way to scared of her parents who hate me. i am now not annoying to the year five girl or prank calling. she now has total power over me threating to tell her parents i was mean to her if i dont do as she says. now i have no choice because if i do somthing to her again and my parents find out i will have no point in life. her friends hate me to. we live 3.8 km away or by road 7km. i no her phone number, catch her bus and do not have any guts to smooth things over with her parents. plzzz help. i now want to be friends with her too avoid trouble
The Answer
Just tell your parents what is going on, and try to avoid her.
She doesn't have total power over you. Adults aren't dumb, they will understand that she is trying to bully you because she thinks she can. They'll see through what she is doing if she lies and says you were mean agian when you weren't.
All you have to do is be honest with your mom and dad and stay away from her as best as you can.
It's okay. You made a mistake but it's okay. Don't try to be her friend if she is trying to control you. Just ignore her and don't let her have any power over you.
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The Question
My new puppy is just being terrible. We've had her for about 6 weeks now. She thinks she is the "alpha", she bites and growls and me and my parents, and my parents want to get rid of her. She's our first dog so we are a little inexperienced. But, today she ran off because she was biting me and I was trying to get her inside. She wouldn't even come in when we called her and brought treats. She made me cry later that day. I always thought my dog would end up being faithful, loyal, and loving. I know she's just a puppy but I don't think she even cares or feels guilty for leaving scars on my skin that will last years. I am just really depressed.
The Answer
I've had several huskys and husky crosses in my life, and I've got to agree more or less with DN. This is not the right dog for you.
Huskys are nutriously difficult to train and require a lot of effort and skill. The often have dominance issues, they are horribly stubborn, and they generally aren't very food motivated, which makes training difficult and uncomfortable for first time pet owners.
They bond deeply with their owners, but if you want a stereotypical 'loyal' dog, then a husky is not for you.
My dog Magz and I love each other dearly and have been together for 10 years. Despite very strict training (think, an hour or two a day for a year, and a bit more as she aged) she is still not 100% reliable with some of her commands. She is stubborn, and a character, she can even be spiteful, and I love her for it, but I didn't want a dumb dog who would worship me. I prefer a dog with attitude.
But that doesn't sound like what your family wants. So contact the breeder, or an animal rescue, and do you best to find your little husky puppy a good home that can handle her. And do a lot more research on your next breed.
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The Question
My new puppy is just being terrible. We've had her for about 6 weeks now. She thinks she is the "alpha", she bites and growls and me and my parents, and my parents want to get rid of her. She's our first dog so we are a little inexperienced. But, today she ran off because she was biting me and I was trying to get her inside. She wouldn't even come in when we called her and brought treats. She made me cry later that day. I always thought my dog would end up being faithful, loyal, and loving. I know she's just a puppy but I don't think she even cares or feels guilty for leaving scars on my skin that will last years. I am just really depressed.
The Answer
I've had several huskys and husky crosses in my life, and I've got to agree more or less with DN. This is not the right dog for you.
Huskys are nutriously difficult to train and require a lot of effort and skill. The often have dominance issues, they are horribly stubborn, and they generally aren't very food motivated, which makes training difficult and uncomfortable for first time pet owners.
They bond deeply with their owners, but if you want a stereotypical 'loyal' dog, then a husky is not for you.
My dog Magz and I love each other dearly and have been together for 10 years. Despite very strict training (think, an hour or two a day for a year, and a bit more as she aged) she is still not 100% reliable with some of her commands. She is stubborn, and a character, she can even be spiteful, and I love her for it, but I didn't want a dumb dog who would worship me. I prefer a dog with attitude.
But that doesn't sound like what your family wants. So contact the breeder, or an animal rescue, and do you best to find your little husky puppy a good home that can handle her. And do a lot more research on your next breed.
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The Question
emotionally what can happen to a morman man if he does the ultimate betrayal and has sex with a woman of no religious values?
i am left feeling vry confused and am not sure what the outcome will be.
i know this will most likley destroy our friendship but am worried about how this wil mentally affect him?
both people involved are 22
The Answer
Chances are, whatever he believes will happen in his life because of this act, is what will take place.
Because it's about belief. It's about his values and his opinion. If he deeply believes that having sex with a woman he is not married too, who has no religion, will cause him pain, loss of friendship or whatever else, that is likely what will happen.
We can experience many physical, medical problems, due to our emotions and beliefs. We can get stressed and feel ill. There is a direct correlation between our mental health and our physical health. So, although sex doesn't cause medical problems (besides STDs of course!) his unhappiness and belief in the wrongness of his actions might cause all kinds of unpredictable problems.
If you are the woman in this situation, the best thing you can do is remove yourself from the situation. Although you certainly care for him, you are currently the source of his pain and confusion, and helping him to compromise deeply held beliefs will only hurt you both.
If you are the man, seek whatever kind of forgiveness or repentance your beliefs require. Talk to a religious leader and get their advice. The important thing isn't to worry yourself, grow angry and depressed, and make yourself ill. It's not worth that. Nothing is.
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The Question
so i've been in this small group of friends for quite a while now and when this girl (let's call her lara) came into our group she automatically made herself leader. i've always hated her but all my friends just love her so i can't do much. i feel like she's stealing my friends because all they do is follow her... except me since i just can't stand her so i end up being left out. anything i do is never good enough and she's never happy for me. also she only talks to me when she needs something only. i was wondering if there's anyway to prove her wrong thinking she's cooler than me and that i'm just boring. so don't get me wrong please but i think it's time i show off my newly found talents (without looking like i'm doing it on purpose) i've already tried not telling her every single thing thats happening like i used to because she never did the same. oh i play the electric guitar and i dance hiphop. i'm sick of always being in her shadow so i guess what i'm asking is how can i make her eat her words... or thoughts? :p
The Answer
Life isn't the movies.
Revenge schemes like this only work in the movies.
In real life, friendships shift and grow. The right thing to do to maintain your position in your group isn't to fight with her, it's to reach out to your friends and cement the bonds between you and them.
If you fight fire with fire, you are almost certain to look desperate. Everybody already knows you don't like her, and they expect you to be sour and bitchy about it.
Focus on being a good friend to the people you want to be friends with, and go ahead and disagree with her without being a bitch or a joykill.
If you keep over thinking this you'll only end up looking worse.
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The Question
I've been seeing this guy for a month now. I'm 21 and he is 28. I'm in college and he is just getting started with a new job out of state. He likes the qualities I have, like school and that he thinks that I am a good person. But he keeps telling me I am just so young and that I have so much more to experience. I don't understand why our age difference is such a big issue. Someone, please enlighten me.
The Answer
Age is not just a number. It's a loose gauge of life experience and self-awareness. It also impacts our own expectations from relationships and the expectations others have of us.
When he says "You are too young" what he means saying is "You are in a completely different place in your life than I am, and I'm not sure I can reconcile our different expectations and lifestyles."
You are in school. You live the life of a student. He is in early career. It’s an entirely different way of being and thinking about everything in life. It can’t be helped. You might enjoy each other’s company, but in any long term planning, you are currently divided by huge differences of perspective.
What he is calling ‘experience’ is really more like ‘timing’. The timing of your experience is completely out of sync with his, and there is no way for either of you to get in sync, without one of your comprising yourself terribly. He can’t be a student again, and you can’t be a working young adult. The differences might seem minor to you, but they are not.
I don’t have a problem with age differences because the long term test of a relationship isn’t the age of the people involved: its how their goals and expectations match up and compliment. It’s extremely unlikely that you and this guy can have the similar goals and expectations right now. You live such drastically different lives with completely different pressing concerns.
Does that mean you are doomed? Of course not.
But he’s concerned and wary, and you need to respect that. His emotions and worries are very valid. These concerns of his are a sign that he takes his relationships seriously, and that is a good thing.
Talking to him a bit about goals and expectations, about the future, might help him see the timing is not so off as he feels it could be, or, it might convince him that you two really aren’t compatible right now.
Either way, your best bet is to talk to him, not about your ‘experiences’ but about your lives.
--- Just an FYI, I'm in a great long-term relationship with a guy nine years older than me. These sorts of things absolutely do work, but my boyfriend and I were at similar places in life, having both just finished school and getting established in our careers (he did a hell of a lot more school than I did...). And that is a large part of what made us possible. If we had drastically different lifestyles and goals at this moment in our lives, we would have had a much harder time making it work.
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The Question
Well I'm 23 yr old guy that finally got his first serious job. My dad's best friend helped me out to get involved with their company. But I was transferred to a different state so I packed up and moved.
Now I won't get into big detail, but my Boss's secretary quit all of a sudden so he asked me if I was interested. I ended up taking it and it was a pretty o.k job. Paper work, answering calls, setting up meetings and such, everything was going so well. Until he asked me to take care of some "personal" business.
He had me pick up his 16 yr old daughter from school and take her home then babysit. Their nanny never called or showed up and he was in an important meeting. So I figured, he's a nice a guy why not. When I picked her up she stared at me funny, than sat in the passenger seat. The whole ride to their home was very awkward and silent.
We finally got to her house and she thanked me, then rushed inside. I followed and sat in their living room, wondering if I should just let her do her own thing or if we should watch a movie or play a video game or something. I grew up in a family of 7 and I played with my little bro' all the time.
After awhile she finally came down stares, dressed in ridiculously short shorts and a tight tank top with no bra. I was shocked and disturbed. She smiled and sat next to me and began asking me a lot of random questions about my job with her dad and about myself. I didn't know quite what to do but answer them as I looked away.
She then asked how many women I'd slept with, I didn't answer of course and scooted further away. She scooted closer and asked if I thought she was hot. I felt very awkward and told her I didn't find minors attractive. She then stated that it was "only" a 7 year difference and her father and new step mom are 9 years apart.
She told me to wait down there and ran up stairs, then came back down with a small baggie full of brownish stuff. I've never done drugs so I didn't think it'd be weed. Until she asked if I would smoke with her. I said absolutely not! And told her I'd tell her father once he called but she just laughed and said she'd tell him it was mine and make him believe I was trying to get into her pants. I was appalled by the extremity of her lie.
She then stated that she was in control now and there was nothing I could do about it, then went on to tell me about all the nanny's, housekeepers, and music teacher's she's had that she'd gotten her dad to fire and some arrested. I'm not sure if it's true but I am a bit frighten none the less.
I mean to be put in jail for something you didn't even do?
So later off she had me take her and her two best friends to the mall, I was so relieved since I'd get some time to myself while they were off. But then she told me her nanny follows them everywhere and holds their bags for them. So I did to. It wasn't that bad until her friends started talking about how cool it would be to date an older guy with a car and such. Then my Boss's daughter grabbed my bum and ran off with her friends.
At this point I was just really pissed off of having to put up with all the b.s. I head back to the car with their bags and waited till they called to go home. I decided to look threw their bags and they bought a lot of racy undergarments and clothes. I'm really disturbed at how these kids act.
They finally came back to the car with even more bags of God only knows what, I drove her two friends home and then went back to her home. I was so thankful that there were only two more hours for her father to get home.
I wondered were her step mom was but didn't bother to ask. I sat in the kitchen petting their cat and she goes on to say, "boy you sure like to pet pus*y." I was annoyed by her presence and just told her; If she were my daughter she wouldn't be in those terrible clothes, speaking the way she was and acting the way she was. She just laughed and asked if I was gay. When I didn't respond, she said she'd be happy to do me in the back with, you can only imagine what.
Her dad finally came home and I was so mentally exhausted I didn't even bother to tell him anything and went home. I guess I'm worried of him not believing me and believing his daughters horrible lies.
It's been a week since then and I kept avoiding those "personal" favors of his, but he wants me to look after her tomorrow since she got suspended from school for getting into a fight.
What do I do? Do I tell my boss? How?
Sorry it's so long but I really want to keep my job but have no interest in putting up with his underage daughter's crap.
The Answer
Tell your boss you WILL NOT be supervising his daughter anymore.
Then tell him why.
Tell him you are sorry but you will not be able to supervise his daughter again, because her behaviour made you very uncomfortable and it is not acceptable for you to be put in that situation as part of your work day.
And he might fire you. Hopefully, he’ll realize that if he fires you, you could take it up the food chain to his boss, or to HR, or to a court, and pin him pretty hard for wrongful dismissal or workplace harassment. Somehow I don’t think it’s in your job description to watch his kid, and unless he owns the company, I doubt they would be happy to find that they are footing the bill for his childcare. More importantly - no one should be sexually harassed as part of their job, and you most certainly were.
If you have an HR department at work, you mighyt trying speaking to them first, but in the end, just be honest and firm in your refusal. You are justified to refuse to supervise this girl. And if you get fired, at least you’ll get fired for being a stand up honest guy, and you’ll be free of a monstrous little brat and her idiot father.
Better to be unemployed then on a sex offenders registry. So whatever you do, do NOT allow yourself to be alone with her agian.
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The Question
During a meal with my bf, his friend "Paul" and "Paul"'s gf a visitor arrived. Paul started acting weirdly and all of a sudden he and the guest "John" started playing roughly and fighting in the bedroom while the rest of us were awkwardly eating a meal. Basically all we heard were shouts and things breaking.
It was time to leave, so me and my bf got up. Bf opened bedroom door and "John" was showing "Paul" his penis. My bf said sorry to them after he barged in on them after stunned silence. Then he just kept talking and acting as if he saw nothing. I was behind him and nobody noticed me. When we left I questioned him about Paul's sexuality without mentioning what I saw. Bf got defensive and when i told him point blank why they were showing their privates, he stated that thats "what boys do". Then he got very angry and started shouting "are you trying to imply that my friend is gay?" hmmm....
anyway, my question is: why do you think my boyfriend is lying? is he feeling awkward about the incident? could he possibly be gay too? am i being predjudiced? i feel sorry for Paul's gf... i dont' feel i should tell her what i saw... I hardly know Paul & gf...
confused.
The Answer
You are getting yourself worked up over something that is
A irrelevant.
B none of your business.
The lesson you should be taking away from this incident is to not invite Paul and John over to your house again. They are colossally rude guests. Your boyfriend should acknowledge this: They were rude and made everyone uncomfortable. He may still wish to be their friends, but they should no longer be guests in your home - they can take their rudeness to a bar.
Paul's sexuality is none of your business.
John's sexuality is none of your business.
Are they gay? bisexual? Or were they just doing what 'guy's do'? Were they simply playing a twisted kind of ‘gay chicken’? Were they just curious or bragging?
Any of these explanations are possible - and there are many other explanations as well.
You can't know. Neither can anyone here on Advicenators.
You are being prejudiced to act like it's any of your business at all - expect your business as a host - to fairly expect better behaviour when people are guests in your home. That’s all you are entitled too.
Is your boyfriend gay? If this incident is the only evidence, then it’s not evidence at all. He’s probably homophobic, but this was not evidence of him being gay - only very uncomfortable.
But again, you can't know for sure. Neither can anyone here on Advicenators.
But you can ask him, because his sexuality is your business. You can ask him honestly and without judgement. Lots of guys, even straight ones, have had some same-sex sexual encounters in their life. It doesn’t make them gay - it is something that ‘guys do’ just like many girls also have same-sex experiences at some point in their lives.
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The Question
So here's what I need help about... There's this girl at my faculty that I've been meaning to ask out for like 6 months. By the way, it would be my first time asking someone out... (lame, I know)! I think I've finally worked up the nerve to do it, but lately I've been reading about the so called "pity date" thing. We're not particularly close as friends and I have no idea if she knows I like her (I think she doesn't). She is VERY nice and kind to everyone without exception and I think it's a virtue... But that's also what worries me. How do I know she won't just go out with me because she's NICE? Maybe I'll take her for a drink (I'm talking apple juice) and she'll just be friendly like she always is... and then I do it a few more times and she just keeps going out with me because she doesn't wanna hurt my feelings...
I mean I don’t want to go out with somebody and be distracted the whole time thinking about why thery’re there!
Oh yes, and we’re both 20, for what it’s worth.
Any advice appreciated.
The Answer
You just get over it.
Sorry. It's really that basic. There are always reasons not to ask someone out. What if they belong to a cult? Have cancer? Insane? Are planning to move to Indonesia for 2 years? What if they only date you because your evil arch nemesis in spandex brainwashed them to think they loved you and lies in wait for your honeymoon to kidnap you, hold you on a tropical island and extract the secret of your superpowers from you?
You can't know. We can't know.
You have to bite the bullet and pay attention. You go out on a date or two and you think she isn't feeling it - Ask her "Hey, I'm having fun but I'm wondering if there is a really a connection here beyond friendship..."
You can giver her chances and oppertunties to share her opinion and feeling with you when she does you have to TRUST and RESPECT her to tell you the truth.
And you might get hurt. Because a lot of people suck at being honest about what they feel or want, and all you can do is your best, and hope that those around you will do their best too. If you're wrong sometimes - and you will be wrong sometimes - you cry it out and let it go.
Romance is risky. It doesn't get less risky because you sit at home stewing about the possible pitfalls.
It's normal to be nervous. It's normal to be worried, and to let your worries spread over a whole bunch of possible badnesses, and even impossible badnesses, but you just have to let it go and chase what you want with as much sense and sensitivity as you can manage. That's the best any of us can do.
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The Question
So please try to understand me and what I'm about to say. I'm a sixteen year old female and I've had the same group of friends since I was in 6th grade we're in 10th grade now. There are six girls within our 'group'. Two of which I can trust and tell anything and not be afraid of them judging me or talking about me behind my back. Another two I can tell things too but I don't know how they really feel because they tend to agree with anyone who is talking; I kind of think they don't like confrontation and just kind of follow what everyone else at the time is saying and just go along with it. The last two are the ones who I have the most problems with lately and who were also my closest friends and constantly judge what I do- I will refer to these to as Kellie and Laine since they are the ones this question is mainly directed towards.
Ever since 7th grade I knew I wanted to experiment with different things one of which would be drugs. My group of friends and I started drinking in the summer going into 8th grade and have been ever since. In the summer going into 9th grade me and a few of them started smoking weed- Laine found she didn't like smoking and quit after her 2nd time, while Kellie and I smoked weed whenever we had the opportunity too. During 9th grade, Kellie and I also did ecstasy together and started to go to parties every weekend up until she got caught at the beginning of this summer and we had to stop hanging out a lot. This summer, I tried benadryl and that's when problems arose. Kellie and Laine saw this as a huge no-no. I know my limitations and I always research what I take before hand just to be as safe as I possibley can. I found I didn't like benadryl so I know I won't do it again. This summer, I also took up smoking cigarettes not on a daily basis and only on occasion. When I told Kellie and Laine they again told me how stupid it was and how bad. But I just don't care. So a few weeks later when Kellie asked for a cigarette I was surprised but gave one to her and when we were at a party and Laine saw her smoking I tried to cover for her. Since then, four of my friends have taken up smoking as a occasional thing. Remember that during this time Kellie's mother didn't like us hanging out and Kellie always told me how she wanted to party with me soon again but I felt I couldn't because her mother would be furious. About a week ago her mother allowed us to hang out again. Kellie seemed to want to start partying with me again but I just don't feel right if we do that so soon after being unpunished so I'm not going to for a while. I have so many memories with this girl.
This summer I also got a boyfriend, David, who I care deeply about and who also cares immensely for me. He goes to another school so my friends don't know him well except for what I tell them which isn't a lot because they never seem to care. He and I will do drugs occasionally together. On Friday him and I were hanging out with his friend and one of my friends in our 'group'. The rest of the 'group' went to this fair were I was supposed to meet up with them later. We took drugs that night. I took ambien. I found myself not going to the fair and meeting up with them. So we drove to Kellie's house (where they were all staying the night) and they met David for the first time but 4/5 of them were pissed at me because I had blown them off so it was not a pleasant encounter. I gave one of them a cigarette which she asked for and then they made us leave. We left knowing they were so pissed and kind of just laughed it off because we were having a good time. So the girl who really didn't care and I trust not to bad mouth me came over today and I had her tell me what they were saying about me. I found out that Kellie and Laine were talking about how if I get worse they were thinking about telling the person I care most about which is my uncle. I know they won't have the guts to do that, and I know I'm not gonna get 'worse', I know my uncle will still love me and not judge me as they do, and I know they wouldn't want me to tell there dad or someone important to them if they were me, and I know telling my uncle will absolutely have no effect. The thing is I get on honor roll, and I get along with people, and drugs is just something I do on the weekends. They act as if I am a herion addict spiraling out of control. That is not the case. They should know that when I need help for myself I will get it. They should know if they want to help me they should just be my friend, except it, and wait for me to come to them. By Kellie doing so she is being a hyprocrit. She knows if she was me she would be doing the same exact thing, she won't admit it but it has happened countless of times. I was told they said “They would be devastated if something happened to me”, “they WANT something bad to happen to me so I can learn a lesson”. I just think what they say is just awful. They have also said “drugs are more important to her than her friends” and that “she thinks google tells her everything!” Both of these are untrue. My usage doesn't have to involve them if they didn't let it. And true I use the internet to find out information but I check countless of sites to get the most accurate facts I can. The truth is they don't even know the half of it. They never asked me what happened that night. They don't care to even try to understand. I find it hard to believe that they “care about me so much” when they talk bad about me without even attempting to hear what actually happened. I find them extememly petty and immature. I know if things keep going as they do we won't last as friends much longer. Which I kind of feel is inevatable but I also don't want to happen. I know my limitations, and I know what I want. I just wish they wouldn't worry so much about things they really don't need to stress to worry about. They may say they 'only care about me' but if they really cared wouldn't they try to understand and stay my friend?
The Answer
You are right, and you are wrong.
They are being unfair and judgemental and making assumptions about your behaviour.
And you are being unfair and judgemental and making assumptions about them as well.
These friendships are probably going to end in the near future. You need to recognize that you are contributing to that.
You've locked them out and neglected their feelings. By refusing to explain situations to them, you have shown them that you don't trust them or respect them and aren’t concerned with their feelings. When you put your drug use as a bigger priority in your life than keeping a commitment to them to be someplace you agreed to be, you probably scared the hell out of them.
That's worrying. It's worrying when your friend doesn't show up and you don't why.
It's even more worrying if you know that friend has a habit of taking drugs.
It’s damn near terrifying if your friend hasn’t talked openly with you about her choices and her limits and given you a few reasons to trust and respect her, even if you disagree with her choices.
You haven’t given your friends those tools and that kind of honest respectful conversation. Your behaviour has even undermined their ability to trust you and have faith that you are going to behave responsibly.
If you continue to give them the silent treatment, and not discuss this openly with them - while respecting their rights to be uncomfortable or unhappy - they are going to continue to assume the worst of you. That’s what human beings do when they don’t know what’s going on – they assume the worst is happening.
You assume they don't want to understand, and they assume that you don't want to talk to them about it.
You think they don't respect you, and they think you don't give a shit if you scare them or cause them unhappiness.
You think they should 'just know' but you don't give them any information to help them out.
Stop that vicious cycle. Be a big girl and just talk to them, without judgement or belittling them. Let them have their feelings and opinions, just like you have yours. Stop expecting them to read your mind or to just naturally understand. They don’t understand. You have to use your words.
You might start by apologizing for frightening them and awknowledging that it's scarry to not know what is going on with a good friend when it comes to drugs.
You could invite them to ask you about it - instead of being distant and growing more frightened and scarred.
It might not fix the friendships. You might all still decide you are better off not being friends, but at least you'll have been a grownup about it, instead of all of you throwing these little tantrums and not just being honest.
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The Question
ok... i am 15 and i am in love with this guy. and i wanna be with him forever and always... we have everything planned... we're going to try to emancipated together when i turn 16... could that work? even though my mom doesnt want me to... she doesnt think im ready... but im sick of living here... she has anger issues, theres so much stress, there emotional and sum physical abuse, and theres just so much problums. i feel that i can do better... and if emancipation doesnt work plan B was to have a baby... (im willing to do anything to be with him) could that work? if i had a baby or if im pregnant does that give me and him sum rights to be together?... and plan c was to get married at 16... does your guardian have to have a say in it?? i really need advice. Thank You!
The Answer
The court will not emancipate you you so you can marry your boyfriend, the court won't care if you are pregnant. That will not happen.
Empication of a minor exists in law to protect minors from the legal choices of their parents (extreme debt, medical choices, religious extremism, criminal activity). If you plan on getting married at 16, they will not think you are responsible or reasonable enough to be independent.
Having a baby will NOT give you any rights to be togeather -- if he is older than you it could even get him in legal trouble. As the father he'd have some rights to see the child, but that would be it. No one would have to let you be together. AND you'd be brining a child into your already fucked up situation, which is immensely selfish and wrong. Babies don't solve your problems. Parents solve problems for their babies. You need to solve some of these problems before you'll be a decent parent.
You cannot get married at 16 without your mother's approval.
You need to stop making these wild plans, and consider some much more reasonable possibilities. Do you have a friend or relative who would be willing to take you in? Do you need to call social services or talk to a guidance counselor to help Yiu get out of your mother's home?
There are rational way to address your home situation if your mother is out of control. It starts by asking other responsible adults for help. Your boyfriend can't save you, neither can a baby. Start asking adults in your life for help, now.
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The Question
hey guys. i need some advice. here is the thing. most of you in college are familiar with the work-study program. if you are not, let me explain. if you are going to school full time, they allow you to work at school. You are on salary, so usually you are not allowed to work more than 15-20 hours. there are certain rules. since you are on salary, they cannot give you work to do outside of the office because they can't pay you for it. it's funded by financial aid/scholarship money. and basic stuff, of course. they can't make you do things that don't have to do with school. for example, you boss can't make you go pick up the kids. now, if you were working in the university (not in work study), then you can stay extra time, because they can pay you for the extra hours. in work study they can't because it's a scholarship, sort of, so they only fund a certain amount of money per semester.
so, i took the first job i got because I wanted to be secure. turns out, my boss is breaking ALL the rules. on the second day, he made me go to his car to get something. the parking lot was packed, because it was the first day. it was a disaster. i felt really bad about it because it's hard to find where somebody parked. but, i didn't want to say no because it was only my second day. he wanted me to download a program on my computer that was $300. i haven't been provided with a computer or a phone and he wants me to look up things on the computer and call people. so, the resources i have to do that are my laptop and my cell phone. if he didn't have a computer in the office available and a phone extension, he shouldn't be hiring someone. i have received over 20 e-mails from him and this has only been my first week.
I went to go speak with a financial aid and human resources counselor about this and they said that they will transfer me to another office. It can be in the same department, but not with him, or with another department. On Monday, I can make the switch. I'm willing to do it for my own piece of mind. he was also e-mailing me at 1:00 in the morning about some business cards.
i will be able to transfer to another department but I feel REALLY bad. i guess i just have a good heart and i feel bad about leaving him and his class alone. at the same time, he is really abusing of my help and calling and e-mailing at 1 in the morning. i don't want to make him feel bad. i don't know what to do! Please give me some advice. should i feel bad? what can i do to make myself not feel bad? and am i overreacting?
The Answer
You are just overreacting.
It's all right. We all do that sometimes.
You feel like you are breaking an agreement, when in fact, it's him who is breaking the agreement.
Standing up for yourself is tough, and it doesn't always feel very good, but it's still the right thing to do. So be glad you are doing it, and kjnow the bad feeling will pass in time.
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