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My friends don't understand my occasional drug use..
So please try to understand me and what I'm about to say. I'm a sixteen year old female and I've had the same group of friends since I was in 6th grade we're in 10th grade now. There are six girls within our 'group'. Two of which I can trust and tell anything and not be afraid of them judging me or talking about me behind my back. Another two I can tell things too but I don't know how they really feel because they tend to agree with anyone who is talking; I kind of think they don't like confrontation and just kind of follow what everyone else at the time is saying and just go along with it. The last two are the ones who I have the most problems with lately and who were also my closest friends and constantly judge what I do- I will refer to these to as Kellie and Laine since they are the ones this question is mainly directed towards.
Ever since 7th grade I knew I wanted to experiment with different things one of which would be drugs. My group of friends and I started drinking in the summer going into 8th grade and have been ever since. In the summer going into 9th grade me and a few of them started smoking weed- Laine found she didn't like smoking and quit after her 2nd time, while Kellie and I smoked weed whenever we had the opportunity too. During 9th grade, Kellie and I also did ecstasy together and started to go to parties every weekend up until she got caught at the beginning of this summer and we had to stop hanging out a lot. This summer, I tried benadryl and that's when problems arose. Kellie and Laine saw this as a huge no-no. I know my limitations and I always research what I take before hand just to be as safe as I possibley can. I found I didn't like benadryl so I know I won't do it again. This summer, I also took up smoking cigarettes not on a daily basis and only on occasion. When I told Kellie and Laine they again told me how stupid it was and how bad. But I just don't care. So a few weeks later when Kellie asked for a cigarette I was surprised but gave one to her and when we were at a party and Laine saw her smoking I tried to cover for her. Since then, four of my friends have taken up smoking as a occasional thing. Remember that during this time Kellie's mother didn't like us hanging out and Kellie always told me how she wanted to party with me soon again but I felt I couldn't because her mother would be furious. About a week ago her mother allowed us to hang out again. Kellie seemed to want to start partying with me again but I just don't feel right if we do that so soon after being unpunished so I'm not going to for a while. I have so many memories with this girl.
This summer I also got a boyfriend, David, who I care deeply about and who also cares immensely for me. He goes to another school so my friends don't know him well except for what I tell them which isn't a lot because they never seem to care. He and I will do drugs occasionally together. On Friday him and I were hanging out with his friend and one of my friends in our 'group'. The rest of the 'group' went to this fair were I was supposed to meet up with them later. We took drugs that night. I took ambien. I found myself not going to the fair and meeting up with them. So we drove to Kellie's house (where they were all staying the night) and they met David for the first time but 4/5 of them were pissed at me because I had blown them off so it was not a pleasant encounter. I gave one of them a cigarette which she asked for and then they made us leave. We left knowing they were so pissed and kind of just laughed it off because we were having a good time. So the girl who really didn't care and I trust not to bad mouth me came over today and I had her tell me what they were saying about me. I found out that Kellie and Laine were talking about how if I get worse they were thinking about telling the person I care most about which is my uncle. I know they won't have the guts to do that, and I know I'm not gonna get 'worse', I know my uncle will still love me and not judge me as they do, and I know they wouldn't want me to tell there dad or someone important to them if they were me, and I know telling my uncle will absolutely have no effect. The thing is I get on honor roll, and I get along with people, and drugs is just something I do on the weekends. They act as if I am a herion addict spiraling out of control. That is not the case. They should know that when I need help for myself I will get it. They should know if they want to help me they should just be my friend, except it, and wait for me to come to them. By Kellie doing so she is being a hyprocrit. She knows if she was me she would be doing the same exact thing, she won't admit it but it has happened countless of times. I was told they said “They would be devastated if something happened to me”, “they WANT something bad to happen to me so I can learn a lesson”. I just think what they say is just awful. They have also said “drugs are more important to her than her friends” and that “she thinks google tells her everything!” Both of these are untrue. My usage doesn't have to involve them if they didn't let it. And true I use the internet to find out information but I check countless of sites to get the most accurate facts I can. The truth is they don't even know the half of it. They never asked me what happened that night. They don't care to even try to understand. I find it hard to believe that they “care about me so much” when they talk bad about me without even attempting to hear what actually happened. I find them extememly petty and immature. I know if things keep going as they do we won't last as friends much longer. Which I kind of feel is inevatable but I also don't want to happen. I know my limitations, and I know what I want. I just wish they wouldn't worry so much about things they really don't need to stress to worry about. They may say they 'only care about me' but if they really cared wouldn't they try to understand and stay my friend?
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You could read an encyclopedia on drugs and would still never have the upper-hand on them and could still die from hard drug use and or experimentation with pills and substances.
A lot of addicts and people like Chris Farley, River Phoenix and John Belushi thought they could function and knew all about drugs. They paid the ultimate price for so-called knowledge. Even if you survive you always pay a hard price for playing with fire.
Your friends love you but do not love your lifestyle choices and can see that you're headed in the wrong direction. Like a lot of people who use substances many can't see what others see as a problem or think they're in control when they aren't.
So, they tell your uncle. All that would happen in the long run is you not using drugs or getting help to not touch them again. Not a bad situation.
Real friends speak up about what they know isn't right. They wouldn't be true friends otherwise.
As for your boyfriend and Kellie -- If you want honesty any friends or lovers who only have using drugs in common with you and not much else aren't real friends when you aren't all high.
What is even more troubling is that you have always had the mentality of an addict and have actually wanted to experiment like this your whole life etc. and now are doing it regularly. That's not normal behavior or outlook for anyone. You could use some counseling to figure out why and to wake up.
You may think you know your limitations and all about drugs and being safe but you don't. Nobody does and getting in over your head or winding up dead because of it isn't good. Your friends are acting out of concern and not judgment because they can see where things are going whereas you can't or won't see what you are doing is wrong.
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You are right, and you are wrong.
They are being unfair and judgemental and making assumptions about your behaviour.
And you are being unfair and judgemental and making assumptions about them as well.
These friendships are probably going to end in the near future. You need to recognize that you are contributing to that.
You've locked them out and neglected their feelings. By refusing to explain situations to them, you have shown them that you don't trust them or respect them and aren’t concerned with their feelings. When you put your drug use as a bigger priority in your life than keeping a commitment to them to be someplace you agreed to be, you probably scared the hell out of them.
That's worrying. It's worrying when your friend doesn't show up and you don't why.
It's even more worrying if you know that friend has a habit of taking drugs.
It’s damn near terrifying if your friend hasn’t talked openly with you about her choices and her limits and given you a few reasons to trust and respect her, even if you disagree with her choices.
You haven’t given your friends those tools and that kind of honest respectful conversation. Your behaviour has even undermined their ability to trust you and have faith that you are going to behave responsibly.
If you continue to give them the silent treatment, and not discuss this openly with them - while respecting their rights to be uncomfortable or unhappy - they are going to continue to assume the worst of you. That’s what human beings do when they don’t know what’s going on – they assume the worst is happening.
You assume they don't want to understand, and they assume that you don't want to talk to them about it.
You think they don't respect you, and they think you don't give a shit if you scare them or cause them unhappiness.
You think they should 'just know' but you don't give them any information to help them out.
Stop that vicious cycle. Be a big girl and just talk to them, without judgement or belittling them. Let them have their feelings and opinions, just like you have yours. Stop expecting them to read your mind or to just naturally understand. They don’t understand. You have to use your words.
You might start by apologizing for frightening them and awknowledging that it's scarry to not know what is going on with a good friend when it comes to drugs.
You could invite them to ask you about it - instead of being distant and growing more frightened and scarred.
It might not fix the friendships. You might all still decide you are better off not being friends, but at least you'll have been a grownup about it, instead of all of you throwing these little tantrums and not just being honest.
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I'm going to leave the drug use part mostly alone. I was a party kid like you starting at around the same age. I thought I had my shit under control, I lost my shit more than once, I got my shit under control, and I imagine that just like me nothing anyone says is going to convince 16 year old you you have anything to worry about or pay attention to.
Just keep things in balance. You don't want to find yourself needing substances to have fun, even just on the weekends. Be aware that your teenage years are when you are supposed to be developing emotionally and learning how to forge relationships and to some degree it's already getting in the way, which means that to some degree it is a problem.
I measured my success in self control by the fact that my clean and sober friends had no idea how not clean and sober I ever was while we were in high school. Might not be a bad idea for you.
Anyway, onto the friendship issue. Some of this is just how it works. You grow in opposite directions from some of your high school friends. You don't look at the world the same way that they do and it's a problem for them.
That's where that "we want you to learn a lesson" comes from. They've been taught (like everyone is) that drugs are horrible and will ruin your life if you go near them. You want to find out for yourself if that's true. The fact that they take this "truth" for granted and you don't upsets them. Or perhaps they want to do what you do and simply cannot or will not actually go through with it. Regardless, be prepared because this will not be the last time you butt heads with someone who takes what they were taught by others at face value and thus judges you for not doing the same thing yourself.
People tend to be protective of their beliefs, right or wrong. They believe that you'll either straighten up like them or crash and burn like they've been taught drug users tend to do. If you manage to not do either you make them look and feel stupid.
No one likes that. And people these days are surprisingly resistant to having their preconceptions challenged. Thus, you are a threat because you challenge your own preconceptions and challenge theirs too in the process. Anytime someone makes life choices based on information you think is untrue that someone tends to get up in arms. It might well mean the end of the friendship.
Don't expect them to grow up. Yeah, it's incredibly petty. "We want you to suffer because it would prove us right and we'd feel better about our own decisions" is a stupid ass childish thing to say.
You won't stop hearing it any time soon. Adults can be just as petty even unto their death beds. Find friends who agree with you, who don't judge you but will still step in if they think you're getting out of line and fucking up. People who's standards match your own closely enough that when they tell you you're out of line you actually listen to them.
And don't blow people off. Whatever the other issues being a flake isn't ok and being a flake because you're taking ambien in high school is a bad precedent to set. Hiding in your room doing meth because you can't afford coke and scratching the sores that result from malnutrition and spending too much time sitting or laying in one place starts with blowing people off because you popped a pill and didn't feel like doing anything else after. Yes, that's a specific person I knew.
Remember. Balance. Always balance.
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Girls at your age are evil, well ok at any age. When I was in school I tried to only hang out with guys, which basically got me to drink and smoke as well. You're very young, but so was I everyone should have a chance and learn from their own mistakes. People will try to reason with you but half of the time you won't listen. I'm not saying doing any sort of drug and underage drinking is ok but you'll likely do what you want. Just be careful. As for your friends, they're probably scared for you and partially envious, I'm assuming your drug use has some explainable reason. There's always some reasoning to it but you need to understand that mostly no one will ever understand why you do it, just like people don't understand body modification. A hooker won't understand the life choice of a nun and a nun will never understand the life choice of a hooker. You need to be prepared that with extreme choices come extreme consequences, if word were to get out you could be emitted into a rehab center, charged with narcotic and underage drinking which would not make you look good. If you're worried about losing them as friends, do something about it. You'll need to talk to them firmly and try to settle on good terms, I'm trying to stay neutral about this as possible, but you should really stop and look over how things are going for you. Pin point any reasons for things going wrong and pin point your reasons for not wanting to stop the usage. As for your uncle finding out, you know him best and sound very close to him I'm still sure he'd give you a talk. Stay focused and don't lose yourself. That's the best I think I can give you. And it doesn't only go for drugs and drinking, don't lose yourself becoming someone you're not to please others. If you care about yourself and put yourself first and do things you know will help you get far in life then do so. You're old enough to know right from wrong. And to take care of yourself and know what you do want and don't. So be careful and good luck. Need to talk more feel free to email me.
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