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I don't apologize for my answers. I speak to the audience, and in doing so I sometimes tell the audience things they don't want to hear or cant handle.
I believe in stands on principle. I believe that doing right for the sake of doing right is a good way to live. I believe in self awareness and encourage it in others. I offer the most unbiased viewpoint I have. And yes, I am only human.
Im going to tell you what I think you need to hear. You are not supposed to take what I say and follow it. You are supposed to take what I say and _think_about_it_
Oh, and feel free to ask me questions, but netspeak, ebonics, terrible grammar, and your teen angst about a crush will be ignored.
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Before I begin, I want to make it clear that I do love my boyfriend. I'm 22, and I've been with him almost a year.
We've decided that we're ready to have sex. I'm a virgin, and I've stayed one this long only because I have wanted to save myself for the right person. Someone I love, and yadda yadda. I truly believe that it is him.
Problem? I'm petrified of the aftermath. I don't know why, but I have a feeling that things will just go down hill. I can't shake it. I have no specific reasons to display. He treats me great. I've been sick for a while, he's here anytime I need him. He's supportive of my dream to become an author, and he's kind.. Point being, I'm sure I want to do this.
But then a part of me starts questioning what's going to happen after wards. Because he's become such a close, sincere friend.. and we have a wonderful connection, I feel as if sex may make it almost too sexually intimate.. and we'd lose the best part of the relationship that I've known.
So really.. does sex help bring two closer?.. or dismantle it? And what happens if I'm not good at it, ya know? He's not a virgin. Does sex change feelings for the worse, then it does the better??
Thank you, in advance.. (link)
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Alright.
Sex is wonderful. Don't ever let ANYONE tell you that sex is a bad thing. In a committed relationship, the sex can be positively electric.
I'm 4 years in. We still stay up till all hours talking about shit, and we very much can relate on a "friends" level. She is my best friend, and I am hers.
But sexuality is the spice. The sweetness is still there, but theres some definite raw animal passion flowing through it. I'd say the best part is the versatility. We can go from making love to ravaging each other and back several times during a single session.
The trade off to all the benefits is complexity. Sex is complicated, it brings alot of new and often unforeseeable problems that have to be dealt with by both of you. You've both got to be adults about this. Your sex drives might not match up, one of you might be a bit more delicate (you actually can rub yourself or him raw with enough sex, though its more common for the girl to suffer in this case) or any of a host of other problems.
The hardest thing to deal with is feelings of rejection. Usually this happens when one of you wants sex and the other doesn't, and it can be upsetting to feel unwanted. You combat this by making sure you know whats going on in each other's heads, talking about what you think, what you want, and how you feel about it.
Example, my girlfriend is alot less horny lately because she's working and going to school. She's busy and tired all the time, and sex just isn't appealing. Its frustrating sometimes because my life isn't as stressful and I have more energy for sex, and she doesn't. I combat this just by knowing that she's under alot of stress, and knowing that its not because she wants me less, its just because she's emotionally and physically exhausted. Understanding makes mutual tolerance alot easier.
The biggest thing you need to focus on, honestly, is being open. Talking about what you both like without judgement, letting each other know what you're feeling, and dealing with this as a couple rather than as a couple of individuals. Whether sex makes you stronger or tears you apart is really entirely up to you. If you WANT it to be a good thing, you can work on it until it is.
As far as my experience goes, its generally staying that way. I can honestly say sex has helped save our relationship, and in hindsight I don't think that was a bad thing. The trick is to remember to work on everything else. Sex will probably be a major focus for a while after you have it (thats normal) but you should eventually drift into it being pretty routine.
The details don't matter too much. You'll figure out sex. Its a skill, learned like anything else. Some people have a natural aptitude, but anyone can learn to do it well. Don't go into it expecting to know what you're doing. Be prepared to laugh if you bump heads, and continue. And always remember, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
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3 months into going out w my boyfriend things got very heated and we tried to have sex. we were both kissing completely naked. i went to move foward sexually but i noticed he wasnt hard. he tried to help the and get himself hard but that didnt seem to work either. after a few more tries at seducing him i stopped and asked him if anything was wrong. he said no and that he didnt know what was going on so we left it at that. the next day we talked about it ad he said it had only happened once bfore with his first girlfriend and that he was sorry and embarrassed and didnt know what to say. i have a low self esteem so it hit me pretty hard and i thought i was the problem, even though that had never happened to me bfore with any other guy, but after talking to my girlfriends they made me feel as though it was something normal that happens to every guy once in a while. a couple months after that we tried again. this time he got hard only after i gave him oral sex and after i stopped i continue just kissing him and he went soft again so he asked me to do it once more. I did so and he got hard again, but as soon as he put the condom on to move foward, he got soft once more. we've been dating for 5 months now and honestly im terrified of trying again because i really dont know whats wrong. does anyone have anyy idea what it could be?? or what i should do?? or what i can say?? this has Never happened to me before and i really enjoy sex so i really hope i can figure this out soon! thanks! (link)
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He is nervous as shit.
Guys can get hard for anyone. I promise, he could get hard for girls uglier than you.
He likes you alot, he's embarrassed as hell, and he was nervous about something the night of.
The getting hard and losing it thing clinches it. He can focus on pleasure enough to get hard, but once the condom is on the pleasure is gone and all he can focus on is how scared he is.
You need to help him relax. Find a way to get some time together. Alot of time, at least 6 hours. Get naked, stay naked, see if sex works. If it doesn't, tell him that its alright, you aren't upset about it. Watch a movie. Tickle him and wrestle around. Act like you normally act, only naked. If sex doesn't happen, talk to him about it.
Try something like this.
"I wanted to tell you, in case you didn't know, that I want to sleep with you just because I want to be with you any way we can. If you're not OK for sex, thats fine with me. I want you, but I'm more than willing to wait until you're ready, and I'm more than willing to try as much as it takes to figure this out with you. This isn't about performance, this is about being connected to each other, and I don't have to have sex with you to get that.
But it would still be fun [Wink]"
Let him talk if he needs to, or drop it if he'd rather not take the conversation further. Encourage him to talk, and tell him that you want him to tell you if something isn't OK. That he's well within his rights to ask you to stop something if he needs you to. But at the same time, you're going to keep initiating and keep trying, because you want to be with him, and its something that will be worth the wait whenever it comes.
Its not about you. Its about him, and his nervousness, his worries that he won't be any good, etc. He's probably scared he's going to get dumped in a few days if he can't man up and have sex. Sadly, thats probably going to make it harder still for him. Head him off at the pass, bring this up, and let him know that you aren't going anywhere because of it.
You're fine, he's not. Be gentle with him, be comforting, and help him work his way through whatever is going through his head.
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Hey im 18/f and my boyfriend is 21/m. I've had sex with 2 guys in my life. Ive had sex enough times to know when it feels good so this isnt a does sex hurt question. Im concerned because my current boyfriend when we have sex it really hurts when it goes about halfway inside it like burns. (I dont have an STD either btw) When i first started having sex with him a couple months ago it always felt really good. But now it hurts really bad. Sometimes the left side of my vagina gets irritated and im not sure whats going on. Its like a burning. I know i get "wet" enough so thats not the problem. Is this normal?? (link)
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Sounds like hard sex made bruised vagina, personally.
Ease up, use a few fingers or a toy to feel yourself out and see if smaller objects have the same effect on you.
If its specifically on a side of your vag, and you can like feel and identify that, its more than likely some form of contact damage. Do you use any positions regularly that have him rubbing there, or is he bent in that direction?
My girl can get rubbed a little raw if we go a long time. Its pretty normal.
A note, this is much more likely to be a problem with guys who have larger than average penises. Women have an average range of vag size the same way guys have an average range of penis sizes, and a guy who is thicker than normal is going to cause more wear and tear. Thats where I say this is normal, past a certain thickness you're going to be slightly bigger than most women you come across, and its a fairly commonly encountered problem. Its just something you have to talk about as a couple and deal with.
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so my mom does pretty much everything in my house.. between taking care of me & my brother, laundry, dishes, errands, taking us places, working.. you name it. my dads always working so hes never home so pretty much she does everything on her own. and a lot of times she just breaks down crying because shes so stressed out. i really try helping by doing the dishes and trying to make her feel better .. and (attempting) to clean my room..put away my laundry.. and try to make it easier on her. but she still feels like i dont do enough and says i dont appreciate her. i really do appreciate everything she does, i love her, shes my mom. i dont know what else to do. i feel like i help out but i guess i dont do it enough.. i dont know whether its that im lazy or i do something that makes me seem like a mediocre daughter.. i know i should really help more and i try but i never have the drive to do it. and i dont know what to do. its actually really hard to explain and even when she yells i dont feel that bad. i do feel bad for it..but i just feel..like i have no feelings. and i dont know how to change it. i feel like i should be in tears every night trying to change myself and at least act more appreciative because i obviously dont show it. i dont know. the things i feel inside are sincere feelings and feelings of love and wanting to help my mom but i cant get myself to do it. its like i live on another planet and i cant control myself. i just end up thinking way too much and i waste my time and my moms..i know i should be helping my mom more . but whatever i do never seems like its enough. can someone advise me what to do? (link)
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Every time she does something for you, say thank you. Anything. Show her appreciation on a daily basis, she's probably starved for it.
Encourage her to talk. Don't try to advise her, just let her get it out. Give her someone to talk to and confide in.
Try to do more. Try to do all your own laundry, and help her with hers. Cook with her so that you can cook a meal once a week to give her a night off (if you can't cook a meal yet yourself).
As far as emotion, you're a normal teenager. Teens have a natural streak of independence thats designed to make them find reasons to leave home. If not, we'd all live with parents until we got married. Its understandable that you don't really feel like dealing with it yourself.
Your mother doesn't have that option. Every time you want to bitch out, remember that your mother can't, or everything comes crashing down. Thats adult responsibility, and you're old enough to recognize it and take a bit of it on yourself.
Every time you want to not do something you think you should, or that you know you easily could, think about the fact that your refusal and lack of motivation adds to the weights cracking your mother's tenuous sanity. That you not getting off your ass might well mean one more crying breakdown on her part.
If people break enough, they can't be fully put back together. You can break enough to be shattered and unrecoverable. Some people break because of one massive shattering event enters their life and completely fucks it up. Others break because their endurance is slowly drained over months or years, and eventually theres nothing left to try to put together the pieces back together, they get so used to being broken that they might not even realize it, and just live that way.
If your mother breaks too much, you will hate yourself for it when you're older. You're a good kid, and a relatively smart one. You also sound like you genuinely love the woman. Use that as your motivation. Imagine your mother crying when you feel lazy. You'll thank yourself for it later, and so will she.
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OK. I'm sorry. I hate asking/reading love questions and relationship questions as much as the next adviser, but I am quite desperate and I hope you can help me. This is, in fact, my first question relating to love and relationships and this might be long since I have the tendency to be long-winded, so I apologize in advance.
So the thing is, I've been going out with my boyfriend for a year and 2 months (give or take) and I broke up with him just last night.
Why did I break up with him? Well, right now we're both in college [I'm 18, he just turned 20] so money's a bit tight (for him). His family is pretty well off, but for some reason, his parents are stingy with money because they 'don't want their children growing up used to money.' Or something like that. Because of that, whenever we go out, I'm the one who spends for both of us. This is getting somewhat problematic because I don't have an unlimited source of money, either, and it's been going on for more than a year! When he does have money, though, he does spend for us. And he gives me chocolates if he can afford it, though I keep telling him to just save his money.
Another reason that I broke up with him is that well, in college, we have blockmates and organizations [orgs]. His blockmates are 20 or so people that are in his course. They're classmates in most of the Majors. A common problem in relationships, I think, is maintaining the 'correct' balance between friends and your girlfriend/boyfriend. While most of the people around us spend too much time with their significant other, we're the couple who still can spend time with our friends. Sometimes, though, even if we've made plans, he can cancel a few hours before, because his blockmates invited him to go out. They hardly ever go out, so I suppose it's understandable, but sometimes it bothers me. I've often told him that he can choose to invite me along, since I'm friends with some of his blockmates, anyway, but he's too shy to ask them because he doesn't want to impose.
Another issue is his org. He is in love with his org. I think he'd choose any org activity over me, though I might be exaggerating. It's just that he and I don't share the same course so our scheds are all mixed up, so we don't have a lot of time to spend with each other. His org takes up a lot of his time [especially now that he's an officer] so it lessens the 'us' time. Just this weekend, we couldn't meet because he had another org thing.
Also, his parents are quite strict. They don't allow him to go home too late so again, another restriction on time.
Another qualm I had was that sometimes he'd tell me he'd come over to my house after class but he'd arrive a few hours later, without informing me that he'll be late. It kinda pisses me off coz it seems as if all I do is wait for him. He could at least have said something so I can fix my schedule, as well.
So, money, org, blockmates. His parents kinda don't like me [I think]. I don't know why. I'm one of the 'good' girls. I don't drink or smoke nor do I do drugs. I get great grades. Well, relatively. [Sorry if I sound arrogant, but rather than be humble, I just want to give as many facts as I can.]
Oh, and sometimes, he can get reaaaaaaally depressed and negative over his grades [he's doing fine. Not as good as I am, but not too bad.] and his family/house [In my opinion, their household isn't really healthy. His parents are too critical and not as supportive as they should be. They don't praise, they just criticize. It affected his self-esteem. He's generally quiet, but when we got together, he became more open coz I encouraged him a lot. Even his blockmates noticed a difference.]. His negativity is sometimes difficult on me, though, coz he's just always negative. Or a lot of the time. And no matter how much I encourage him, he'll just twist it into something negative. Which is kinda frustrating. My patience nears its limit.
Hmm.. I also imagined myself with someone smarter than me. I like talking with smarter people, but yeah, I don't think he is smarter than me. I also like speaking in English, but he speaks in our vernacular language. He doesn't mind me speaking in English, but since I feel weird speaking in English while he speaks a different language, I take to speaking in vernacular, as well.
Hmm. Also, when we were together, in the early part, there was sortof a 'shield.' Or at least that's how I'd refer to it. The shield prevented me from liking any other guy, no matter how good-looking or nice or talented or whatever he was. Lately, though, I find myself being attracted to other guys, even when we were together.
~~
I guess part of the reason I 'chose' him was that I thought my family (parents, brother, relatives) would like him. He's really nice, hardworking, into basketball and music [huge plus]. I think he'd fit in well with my family. The thing is, sometimes, I think that if he were in a different environment, he'd flourish. But he's not and I can see it taking its toll.
So why am I confused? Well, I broke up with him. I don't know if I should have. For the attraction thing, I think I'm too sad to be attracted to anyone. I miss him. I guess a difficult part our breakup is that we both love each other very much. So it hurts. Should I have broken up with him? I don't know.
Oh, and he's not the type to make the first move. I was the one who admitted my feelings to him. It's like I'm the guy in the relationship, in practically every aspect. I think that he won't try to win me back, even if he wants to.
So I don't know. I'm just confused. I'm really sorry for the long story. I hope you can help. (link)
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Hmm.
I can understand your reasons for breaking up with him.
On October first of 2007, my girlfriend of coming up on three years broke up with me. We had been rocky, and I was sinking into depression. I was emotionally unavailable to her, and things just went into a downward tailspin.
We were apart for two months, during which I pulled myself back up to standing and got up and started fixing things in my life. I sought her out and we are now back together, living together for over a year without killing each other.
This doesn't have to be a final goodbye, and if this guy is worthwhile and just needs to grow a pair, this might well help him do that. You don't have to wait for him to seek you out if you don't want to be without him.
Its possible he or you will move on. If that happens, then the break up was right anyway, and the other can move on as well.
If not, be honest with him. Give him this list you gave me, tell him that you can't deal with this anymore, that you love him but you can't get past all the problems, and that he needs to get himself straight before he's datable period.
Don't tell him "if you do this, I'll get back together with you". As far as he is concerned, this break up is final. Stick to it for a minimum of three months if you do change your mind. Even if you talk with him, and he gives you hope, stick to the break up.
One of the worst things you can do in this situation is cave to talk. If you teach him that words can get you back, he won't have to actually start changing himself, and change won't come. Wait to see that he is actually making progress before opening any lines of communication, it would be best if after the above convo you tell him you need to not talk to him for a month, and stick to that. Tell him he can leave a voicemail if its important, like you forgot something and he needs to get it to you.
Some guys need a kick in the ass around his age. I did.
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Im a singe parent with daughters ages 14,11 and 9, my 14yr old was recently diagnosed with psychosis nos i work full time, im having thoughts of quitting my job so that i coud be at home with my kids, but im very fearful because how will i be able to support my famiy,i have alot of debt, and their father is a dead beat my kids only have me as their provider, my job can be very stressful, and when i come home i also have to dedicate as much time as possibe with my chidren i need advice (link)
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You need to use google to look up the following.
Wellfare
Medicare
Disability
WIC
Foodstamps.
These programs were created explicitly for situations similar to yours. There is help out there financially that can ease alot of the burden you're carrying and that might possibly free you up enough to take a job that works less. Better, if you're over 24 its possible that you could find grants and financial aid for school that would let you combined with other help quit.
Start searching them out. Google can lead you to information on who and what qualifies.
Something for you to think about. Physical therapy assistants require a two year degree. After that, they can clear 70-80k a year. Its an expanding field (thus lots of jobs if you can get certified) and its something you might want to think about.
It would give you the flexibility and funding you need. Google "Physical Therapy Assistant" and see what you come up with, its an idea. And if you go out and find a bunch of financial aid, plus the other programs I listed above, you might well be able to get yourself through school without working.
If nothing else, check out the programs. You might be able to get some help that will let you work less and support your kids more. As much as it hurts, putting food on the table is a higher priority than dealing with a kid's mental problems. Starvation is more immediate than psychosis. Talk to whoever did the diagnosis about it and see what options you have.
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Okay so my mom and i have always had a semi-close relationship. But she just got a facebook... and she wants me to be her friend on it. I have no problem with the fact she got a facebook, but i kind of need my personal space when it comes to these things. I dont want her to read what i say to my friends and such.... its not that they're bad. It's just that i'm really uncomfortable with it. I told her all of this and she's making me feel extremely guilty, and telling me that i'm SUCH a good daughter for not accepting (sarcasm).
So i really don't know what do do.
Am i horrible for doing this?
What do you guys think?
15/f (link)
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I would walk up to her, and say "Mom, are you really going to be melodramatic over facebook? Aren't I supposed to be the one who acts like a 12 year old and you tell me to chill out, its just facebook?"
You have every right to your space. You should be able to tell her "Mom, these are my friends, you are my mother. These two things are not the same."
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Hi there. I'm an 18/M.
I have a big self esteem problem when it comes to girls. Normally, I am a really confident guy. Not scared to meet new people or speak to large crowds. But I have this problem when it comes to girls. See, when I meet a girl I like, instead of asking her out like a normal person would, I quickly idealize her in my mind to the point where I have convinced myself that she is way too amazing to ever want to talk to me. Then, because I have made her out to be so perfect, flawless, I stay in love with her for a year, or more, until I have completely destroyed my friendship and my chances with the girl. This problem has followed me through 13 years of school.
Now, I'm a Senior. Never had a girlfriend, and I'm doing it again with this amazing girl. How do I fix myself? (link)
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Oi Christ.
Fair Warning, this is long as hell.
First off, you need to stop trying to get anyone to go out with you. In the simplest terms, you don't know how to relate to girls as just people when you like them.
For the next three months, all girls are just another guy, or are asexual. Whichever you prefer. If you find yourself acting differently around them still, focus on exactly what you're doing and force yourself to stop it.
Women are people too, and they want to feel like people. If you treat a girl like some kind of prize, an un-obtainable goal, etc they will run from you left and right. It makes them feel like you don't know anything about them, and like they are inadequate because you want some super ridiculously amazing standard that they don't feel they meet.
The thing that sucks, is this approach can and will destroy your confidence. It sounds like you're already having issues feeling like this is unobtainable.
Its not. Far from it.
Alright. I'm going to give you some guidelines.
- When you like a girl, try to talk to her regularly. Don't find her every day, but make it a point to find her every few days. Repeat, DO NOT talk to her every day unless its part of a larger group that you always hang out with anyway.
- Make eye contact. If you're never looking at someone, you have no interest in them. If a girl looks at you and you're never looking at her, she's going to assume you aren't interested. If a girl looks at you and sees you looking, but you quickly look away, that's creepy. If you broadcast that you're embarrassed or ashamed of looking at them, they assume you have a reason and it generates an unconscious creepy vibe.
Instead, if someone meets your eyes give them either a small nod or a small quick smile, and find something else to look at.
It expresses confidence. Practice this as you walk around school. Look around, when someone meets your eyes smile slightly and nod at them. Hell, you might make a few new friends just with this, its a very good way to make strangers more comfy around you.
When you know you want to ask a girl out, start a conversation and do so. Talk with her long enough to break the ice, and then if you have to just throw it out there.
- Asking a girl out. Find something you BOTH can be interested in. Hopefully you've talked with her enough to have a few ideas. Ask her if she'd like to go do X sometime, and tell her you're free all weekend. That gives her a deadline without giving her a time to say "Oh, no I'm busy that night"
If you get a no, just smile and say "So would you like to do something another time, or should I wait and butter you up some more?"
That is one of the few true lines I ever throw, and if delivered correctly its both cute and funny.
If the no stands, keep talking to her and hanging out with her as before, seeking her out at least every two to three days at a time when you can hang out for a decent while. Try to talk to her one on one, don't bring up dating in any form for about a week, and ask her again.
Persistence can work as long as you don't smother them. You've got to give a girl time to feel something for you, if you force it you'll snuff out any embers that might have helped you. The trick is to make sure its on her mind without being a constant presence.
-Talking. Master the open ended question. A yes or a no question doesn't invite response half the time. Ask questions that encourage the girl to talk about herself, and remember the things she tells you. Girls like attention, and remembering what they say to you helps(remembering word for word is creepy, too detailed)
Your goal is to have her ask about you as well. Keep initial conversations focused on her a little more than you, your goal is for her to say more than you do.
-Compliments. Again, girls like attention, and noticing things is generally well received. Pay attention to what she wears, her shoes, her hair, etc. If she usually wears sneakers and comes to school in dress shoes, compliment them. If she wears nicer earrings than usual or her hair changes, compliment her.
Basically, what you want is to notice when she's putting more effort into her appearance. When she does this, she wants to be noticed. Noticing her and just dropping in a "oh, your hair looks nice, did you do something to it?" can work wonders.
Bonus points, she's talking about herself again, which is good for you.
-Her Cues. This is a big one. Pay attention to a girls eyes, lips, and hands when you talk to her. Everyone has unconscious body language, and girls do things when they like you.
Girls check guys out the same way guys check girls out. Her eyes might glance over you so often. This is good.
One of the most fun to catch a girl in is when she looks at your lips. This is more likely going to happen during a date. Again, make eye contact while conversing, and watch her eyes. When she thinks you won't notice, she'll glance at your lips. That means she's thinking about them alot at that particular moment.
If you see this, you just got an OK for a kiss before the end of the night.
Playing with hair is very common, as is rubbing herself. Girls might rub their neck, breasts, sides, hips, legs. But if she's rubbing herself around you, you have "that effect" on her. Its usually very subtle, but at the very least if you notice that if her hands dont come into contact with the rest of her body once during a conversation, thats a bad sign, or else means she's preoccupied and isn't thinking about you at all.
-Teasing. Teasing is great. It gives you an excuse to touch her without being creepy (again, as long as you aren't overdoing things) and the ability to tease is directly related to humor. Pick small things, innoccuous things. If she teases you, laugh with her and receive it well.
-The Touch Barrier. This is one of the most easily fucked up areas, because unsolicited touching can be creepy very, very easily. So most guys avoid it like the plauge. The trick is to give yourself a reason. If she seems upset, ask her whats wrong and just put a comforting hand on a shoulder. If you're teasing her, poke her lightly in the arm when she teases you back. Small, innocuous things that get her used to the idea of being in physical contact.
This is another litmus test. If she starts touching you back, and seeming comfy with you touching her, that can be a very big sign of interest.
A note. Beware of hugs.
Hugs can be the death of your romantic intentions. The ONLY two exceptions to the hug rule are
a) When you two are flirting like mad and have made sexually interested comments, so sexual desire is established before emotional intimacy.
b) When she is visibly upset about something, to the point or close to crying.
Other than that, do NOT go for hugs. Don't refuse them if she comes in for a hug, but don't hug her on your own initiative until she's said yes.
Also, if she's hugging you and you know she's in a good mood, its a good chance to slip in a little guyish comment.
I have successfully thrown out "So, do I get to feel you up now?" during a hug when she was in a good mood. I knew it would be well received, doing that is always a chance, but it kept me out of the friend zone.
-Cell phones and such
Its really easy to e-smother someone these days. Too many texts or voicemails or missed calls or e-mails or any combo thereof can be bad.
E-mails I think of as a separate category. I've gotten in the habit of e-mailing as my last thing before bed, and once girls get used to it they enjoy my nightly messages, and it lets me do that whenever I want. I make sure not to do it every night, so that I can send or not send as I choose.
No more than three missed calls in a six hour period, or three texts, without being responded to. One voicemail, and it should be on the last call. Mix and match, if you call and then text, follow up with another call a few hours later and leave a voicemail. If she doesn't get back to you, don't get back to her. Assume that she is going to call you, forget about it, and go do something else.
A key point here, you can't do anything about what she's doing, or how she's responding. Freaking out is just going to smother her. Follow your guidelines, and if you don't hear from her that night call her the next day after lunch. If you see her in your daily routine, ask her what she was up to, drop in a comment that a call was missed, and blow the entire thing off as not a big deal.
This lets her know you want to hear from her, but if she is forgetful and thats why you didn't hear back, she won't feel chastised.
So as a final recap.
When you meet a girl and figure out you like her, its time to cultivate. Pay attention to her, what she wears, and try to talk to her. Ask her about herself.
After a few conversations, ask her out and have a relatively free weekend schedule. If you get a yes, make plans and make sure you have each other's contact info, common sense stuff. Don't smother her in the first few weeks. Oh, and don't ask her out again until the next day after the date. Give her some time to think about it. As you leave, ask her if you can call her the next day after the date.
The last is just a bit of perspective. Everyone finds their niche in the dating world. Some people settle for smaller niches, crappier relationships, etc. Those are the people who don't step forward to take something better.
And I can tell you from experience living with girls, they're just as human and flawed as you are. In all seriousness, its not that hard to get a date once you can treat a girl like a normal person and still like her.
You've got stage fright. Get off your ass, go talk to girls as much as possible, and don't ask any of them out. Just talk to them, including this girl you like. Instead of idealizing her, pay attention to her. Learn to like what is real.
You might well get an opening in the process.
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okays sooo, ive been on birth control for like two years now, and i have never known the answer to this question, ive tried to ask my ginocologest but she didnt really answer me.
butt.. when your on birth control, can the guy like cum in you and you wont get pregnant. Like im not stupid me and my boyfriend still use condoms every single time and were still going to, but im just kinda curious casue if not then what does birth control do?
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To give you a more specific explanation.
Hormonal birth control works via two different methods.
One is to stop ovulation. Your ovaries do not release an egg, so you can't have a baby. As I understand it, this is actually the less reliable of the two, because if somehow an egg does get released, theres nothing else stopping it.
The other is to thicken the uterus's walls so that an egg cannot attach to them. After a sperm and egg join, the new embryo has to attach itself to the side of the uterus in order for it to actually grow into anything. When the walls thicken, it prevents the egg from attaching, and even if the egg is fertilized you have a barrier against pregnancy.
My girlfriend and I have been using the second kind for four years and have had no problems, even when we've gone unprotected. Pregnancy is the only thing we worry about (both tested long ago) and we've never had a scare with or without a condom.
Though, thankfully her periods are like clockwork when she's on birth control.
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My teacher rubbed her hand up my leg and I was wondering If that classified as rape or sexual harrasmwnt.We were alone cause I had detention and she sat beside me and did it.She is damn ugly and I told her to get her stinkin paws of a me.I tell my principle and see what'll happen next. (link)
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Creepy.
Go for it, theres a pretty good shot she'll get fired, which is exactly what needs to happen.
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i met this guy named chris at a kick-back. and he thought i was 18.. so like he started talking to me and stuff.. ad we ended up kissing.. but not having sex because im a virgin and i wasn't going to give it up to him. so when he found out i was 16 he was like tripping lol. cause he's a marine and hes going to be a cop in 2 years and what happened is illegal you know. i've been seeing him every saturday for 3 saturdays straight. cause we hang around with the same people.. the second time we hung out he talked to me but like it was whatever.. his friend told me that he liked me but that i was young.. i see older guys dating underage girls all the time.. but yeah and i saw him this past saturday cause we had a bonfire at the beach and it was cold so he hugged me and when we were saying bye he slightly touched my butt.. he didnt really grab it or anything though. but we do text a lot.. but i really want to be his girl-friend.. how do i pull that off? (link)
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Leave it alone.
You probably don't want to hear this, but you aren't mature enough for a relationship with this guy.
He is freaking out because given his status and his goal career, he legally cannot date you. There are real world consequences, he could fuck up his life very easily.
You argued that "well other people do it so it should be OK"
I understand that it makes teens feel mature to be liked by a guy who's significantly older. But in truth, its usually more a sign of their immaturity than of you being advanced for your age.
It would make you a fucked up person to pursue this. He's being an idiot, and so are you. Be the bigger person and walk away from this for now.
A final note.
I'm not telling you you can't like him, and I'm not telling you to never speak to him again. If you like him, find out the age of consent where you are, and tell him that the second you are legal you're all his, see how he reacts. That would be the mature thing to do here, and you don't have to close the door to not walk through it when you could destroy his life.
Yes, other people date underagers.
Other people aren't in the Armed Forces, and don't want to be cops.
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Hey im 17/f and my boyfriend is 20/m. Yesterday i made a terrible mistake. I promised my boyfriend i wouldnt talk to my ex boyfriend again. I made that promise at like the beginning of our relationship. I broke that promise. I wanted to give him his stuff back and it was only like 5 min. My mom hates my ex boyfriend and she saw me with him and she freaked and called my current boyfriend and told him that im playing games with him and how i was with my ex. I tried explaining the entire situation to my boyfriend and i just wanna get all of this behind us but hes making a huge deal about it. Is there any way i can try to fix this. Im trying everything. And also my mom grounded me i have no phone no car and suppose to have no computer. Please help me :(
Thanks so much sorry so long! (link)
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I would go bat shit crazy on my mother in your situation.
She has no right to be interfering in your relationships, this is between your boyfriend and you, and considering the innocent circumstances...
This is one of the few times I would recommend opening a can of verbal whoop ass on a parent. You're 17, and she violated your right to privacy and meddled where she does not belong.
Talk to her calmly if you can't scream, but you should be shaking with anger over this. Most people would. If you feel that anger, let it flow. This isn't an area where logical explanations are going to get you anywhere. She feels she has the right to be a drama mongering idiot.
In this case, you need to make a firm stand. You're already grounded, you've got little or nothing to lose. Draw a line in the sand, and push her back if she tries to step over it. This is your life we're talking about, and if you don't push her out now she's going to be meddling until you're 50.
As to the boyfriend, apologize and explain. Get a phone however you have to and call him, whether you steal your phone back or borrow a friends. He shouldn't have a huge issue with this if you explain that it was completely innocent, just calmly assert that you weren't doing anything except giving the guy his stuff back.
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This is not a physical sex questions, it's more of a request of an explanation. You'll understand after reading the question.
I had sex for the first time a couple weeks ago. Since then I've been having a lot of se dreams, and by sex dreams. I've been having dreams of me having sex with like every guy I know, and it's kind of weird. Like I even imagined myself with my best friend's boyfriend, and I don't even like him at all, and he's not that good looking either. I've recently gotten over a "boy issue" and I know that's cause me to have weird reactions to some things, but sex dreams? I've never really been interested in sex before, I found it kind of revolting. The sex a few weeks ago, just sorta happened, I was drunk at a friend's party and well, me and a guy were talking and then one thing led to another. So basicaly I'm curious as to why I'm all of a sudden horny all the time and dreaming of having sex with lots of guys. It's getting out of hand.
Thanks in advance. (link)
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Sex dreams happen. In your case, its probably a factor of your repressed sexual side being released all at once.
Sex dreams are pretty much just your manifestation of a desire to have sex, combined with pictures of people who are familiar to you. It means you find the guys sexually attractive, but thats hardly a unique identifier.
Also, judging by your description of the first time, you are probably kinda sexually frustrated since you've had sex but don't have a boyfriend that you continue to sleep with.
Masturbate more, especially before bed. And enjoy the dreams, its just your subconscious having fun.
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I have come to realize that I am nothing more than a failure especially in my husbands eyes. I am 21yrs old and sad to say he is absolutely right! Every time he tries to get somewhere here I am messing stuff up. No I don’t think he love me nor do I think he is attracted to me. I don’t know what to do I don’t want a divorce but I have a feeling that’s what’s going to happen by the end of this year if not in the next 6 months. I don’t even know my husband and I think its because of all my faults. I know I am messing up our finances big time. I know I need to take my name off all his accounts. He works hard for the money that he receives I have no right to it. I need to save my money and do what I know Im suppose to do. I need to give him all of his information so that I am not accountable for it. Its not mine I cant be blamed for it. I cant never do anything right EVER. All I can do is go to school and work that’s it. I really don’t have anything much to say to my husband. I don’t even feel like I should be his wife right now so im not even wearing my ring. I want to know my husband but he makes that impossible. He tells me don’t question him or don’t worry about it or it does not concern me. I changed my hairstyle twice and he tells me its ugly he don’t like it. I get told I don’t have any hair or if I had hair on numerous occasions I try to play it off but it does hurt my feelings. He don’t tell me he loves me he says me to, ok, or you better I honestly do not feel like his wife not one bit. The sex is not even there when he is done he is done he went from 3 minutes to 20min. I have only been satisfied maybe five times since he has been home and played with myself I don’t know how many times. I do all of the house duties and don’t get a thank you for nothing I took my husband clothes out for him to go to work one time and one time only because I did not get a thank you when I did so I pretty much just stop touching his stuff When I do try to get pretty I don’t even get a u look nice baby or you smell good I just don’t know how to feel. I cant talk to him about it because things get taken the wrong way and he don’t talk back he just lay with his eyes closed or keep watching tv and tells me he is listening. I don’t get anything response back at all.
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This marriage is doomed. You are not compatible with each other. You are both immature, he is a dick and you paint yourself to be a fuck up.
I don't know if you're actually a fuck up, its just as likely that he simply makes you feel that way so that he can do whatever he wants and not be questioned.
Its time. Go see a lawyer as soon as possible. File for divorce. The longer you wait the more it will hurt, and if you stay with him you will literally destroy yourself emotionally over a douchebag of a guy who doesn't deserve to be in ANY relationship with ANYONE.
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by watching porn, are people supporting human trafficking and enslavement? like all that porn that is like, "watch them dominate their slaves," etc., is that for real? is porn related to human trafficking AT ALL? (link)
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Most pornography featuring trafficked humans is illegal in nature and thus is "underground"
Underground means that its not something you can google, its usually passed around by people who find each other searching for that shit online. Also, much of this kind of porn features kids.
99.9% of the porn encountered by every day people falls into one of two categories. Amateur thats taped in someones home, and professional production porn (the vast majority) that regardless of what it features, is actually professional actors.
Porn really isnt related to human trafficking. The porn industry itself has absolutely nothing to do with it. The only real link is the fact that human traffickers often videotape the things they do for later reliving, thus resulting in "porn" featuring that.
And usually people found in possession of such end up with felony charges.
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I'm going to the gyno for the first time next week. I'm hoping to get birth control thanks to my insane periods.
When they ask if I'm sexually active- I don't know what to say. I've participated in mutual masturbation and oral. Does that count? Do I specify and say "Yes, I've done oral." Or simply say "Yes," and leave it at that?
Any advice on going for the first time or what to expect? Thanks guys, er well girls I guess lol! (link)
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"Yes, I am sexually active, but I have not had intercourse yet"
Tells them pretty much everything they need to know. Be honest, its a doctor, they aren't asking to judge you, they're asking because the more they know the better equipped they are to help.
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Okay, so I've always considered myself to be straight since I have never had a crush on a girl or anything like that. I don't have the same feelings for girls (sexual tension) as I do for boys. My relationships have always been with boys, and I've never thought of a girl as anything more than a friend.
However, sometimes I like to imagine myself having sex with women. Sometimes a threesome or more. Something about the naked female body intrigues me. Female porn turns me on. I've often wondered if I'd ever sexually experiment should the right person come along. But I don't really want to be bisexual, since I'd never have a relationship with a girl. So am I still straight? (link)
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Don't bother labeling yourself. It will probably change in college anyway.
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I talked to this guy for a while let him know that i just wanted to be friends because i had got out of a bad relationship. we would hang out after i for off work. drive around and talk. when i would drop him off he would ask for a kiss and i would say no. he did this 3 or 4 times. i asked him to stop. well he sounded like something was wrong one day and wanted me to see him and go some place he needed to talk. so we drove to this place on top of a hill. well he goes i want to kiss you and i said no he said it again i said no. and he put his hands on my face and kissed me and i was against the door so i couldnt move away from him. he keep touching me and i would tell him no. he got my shirt off and stuff and told me to get into the other seat well at that point i just did what he said. i feel raped but i dont feel like i did everything to stop it. i was raped when i was 13 and that is how my virginity got taken from me. i just felt i couldnt get away then why would i be able to now. my question is was i? i didnt want it but i gave in. (link)
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You should call the cops now, if you haven't already. You should tell your parents first. Whatever else, they are your parents, and this is something that needs to be addressed by adults.
Yes, you were raped. He put you in a situation and made you feel helpless while he did what he wanted. That is rape.
Being a 6'2 guy, I can't really relate to the helplessness you feel and felt in the situation. I wish I could give you advice about how to handle it. You need to see a therapist. The fact that this has happened twice... did this guy know you had been raped?
If so, it sounds like he took advantage because he figured he'd get away with it.
If you ever find yourself in this position again, remember these points.
Nose. Eyes. Throat. Groin.
It is usually pretty difficult to maintain an erection when a girl is simultaneously clawing your eyes out with one hand and trying to rip your dick off with the other.
If the guy isn't armed, and its a situation like this he's looking to get his rocks off. Don't let him.
If you're being forced, as soon as the guy's dick clears his pants grab it as hard as you can, dig in with your fingernails, and twist it like its a pickle jar you can't get open. Genuinely try to rip his dick off, pull as hard as you can.
Even if he manages to get himself into you, punch him in the throat, claw at every inch of him you can reach, and its generally a great idea to try to claw his face up. Facial scars heal more slowly, and its a blaring sign.
Lastly, if this ever happens again call your parents and get to a hospital the first opportunity you get. Don't go shower, don't go to sleep, don't wait. Get it over with, get a rape kit done, and use the evidence to put the guy in prison where he'll get to know what its like to be raped himself.
He deserves it, and you just might save yourself from going through this again.
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ok well this is embarassing and actually bothering me for a very long time....to start with i am a 27 year old female, before i got married i was a virgin...and guess what...i got married in august of 08...and still am a virgin! well as much as it sounds crazy and funny...this is driving my husband and my relationship downfall...i am basically scared to have sex...we have attempted several times...but everytime the poor man tries to put it in...i back off thinking its going to hurt...its been eight months now...and my husband's just a very understanding patient man...or else i feel if it were anyone else he would have cheated on his wife by now...my mom, my sister my close friends that i have shared it with...all have yelled at me about it...i am starting to hate the fact that i cant get this fear out of me...i mean come on i thought sex was suppose to be fun...and i also know it keeps a married relationship good...but thats missing in my married life..and i have to do something about it...please help! (link)
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You need to steel yourself.
Sex is one of the most amazing aspects to being human. It can be one of the most fun and at the same time one of the most fulfilling parts of your relationship.
Its probably going to hurt the first time. Its bearable, sweetheart. Your mother got past it, your grandmother got past it, your great grandmother got past it. Every single female ancestor you have managed to get past it without it being a big deal.
Its really not. Take things slow, have some lube if you need it to help out, and resolve yourself to not getting out of bed until it happens.
Remember, you aren't dealing with a two minute window here. I'm sure you try, get afraid, and stop for the day.
If you have to stop for a minute, stop. Let him hold you, let yourself calm down, and try again. Try to get a little further each time before you stop if you have to. Take deep, calming breaths and move slowly.
Theres nothing wrong with being a virgin. You're just learning some things later than others do.
Once you get past it, you might start to worry about performance. Don't. Just talk to your husband about sex, talk about what you like and don't like, and ask the same about him. Be open about it, and talk to him about whats going on in your head. As understanding as he is, if you gave him more information he might well be able to help more.
If nothing else, talking about it more will hopefully increase your comfort with him and sex.
And honestly, its not an end of the world pain. Losing your virginity is nothing to childbirth, and childbirth is another hurdle your female ancestors managed to deal with (more than once in some cases)
Take your time, but don't let chickening out stop you from trying again a few minutes later. I'm sure he's going a bit nuts himself, so he's probably got plenty of horniness to burn through with failed attempts.
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before i start, let me begin by saying that i'm 18 years old, it's not like i'm some bratty teenager running away for no reason. but, honestly, i can't live in this house anymore. this is a mess. i'm not planning on running away forever, but these people have to miss me. i feel kind of bad about it, but i'm so mad right now, that i can't get over it. i'm 18 years old, i'm in college, and i don't even drive a car. i'm the only person in my family who doesn't drive a car. my mom drives a bmw and my family owns a lot. in high school, i was the angel of the class. i'm a straight A student, i didn't even go away for college. i've never gotten drunk in my life, never smoked. my best friend is literally my mother. i've never even slept over at anyone's house before. literally, i've been an angel. but, my family had other priorities than paying my insurance. they bought me cars, and then they never let me drive them because they hadn't put insurance on me. there is absolutely no point in that.... what so ever. so yes, i'm a little bit frustrated that my family keeps treating me like a child. right now, i'm on break and i wanted to go the gym to a spinning class at 12:15.... no one can take me. my grandmother is going to the doctor, and my mom and i got into a huge fight this morning and we're not speaking... plus she's at work. my cousin in 16 yrs old and he's the one i have to ask for rides. i'm sorry but this is ridiculous. my mother started the fight with me this morning and it just kept accelerating and accelerating and she left really angry, and i'm really angry. my grandmother won't even let me stay home alone. i know that i'm young, but i think i'm old enough to drive a car, and stay home alone, so that i can work on my term paper. so, yea i'm pissed. i need to find a way to run away for a little while... i can walk from here to the library... and at least i'll feel a little more independent that i can do that by myself. i just need to get out of here for a while... and i don't know how to do it without anyone noticing. i'm about to have a heart attack in here. it's a mess all the time, and no matter how much i clean, it's still a mess. i just can't do this anymore. can someone please help me?? and please don't answer if your answer is not to run away. i'm an adult, and i've already decided for myself. i'm just asking for advice on how to do it. (link)
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Oi Christ.
Go out, tomorrow, and get a damned job to pay your insurance. Insurance payments are probably going to be anywhere from 70 to 160 a month for you. 10 hours a week at minimum wage will get you that. Pay for your insurance, drive your car, and go do something stupid.
Seriously. You've never, ever acted out. No wonder you're going nuts. Teens need to be a bit disobedient. Everyone has to find their reasons for handling their shit and being an adult, and your parents aren't going to work as a reason forever.
I can't advise you to go get drunk, but I can advise you to go to a party, go hang out with and if necessary make new friends. Dress up and go downtown to a decent club. Go to a park. Take a road trip to another city or another state over a weekend. Go out and DO something.
Getting a job will get you independence. If you have a car to drive, use it and get a job somewhere part time. Pay insurance, and use the rest of the money to get off your ass and have some fun. Saving a bit somewhere wouldn't be a bad idea either.
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