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kinda another one of those lofe things. but i'm really desperate and confus
OK. I'm sorry. I hate asking/reading love questions and relationship questions as much as the next adviser, but I am quite desperate and I hope you can help me. This is, in fact, my first question relating to love and relationships and this might be long since I have the tendency to be long-winded, so I apologize in advance.
So the thing is, I've been going out with my boyfriend for a year and 2 months (give or take) and I broke up with him just last night.
Why did I break up with him? Well, right now we're both in college [I'm 18, he just turned 20] so money's a bit tight (for him). His family is pretty well off, but for some reason, his parents are stingy with money because they 'don't want their children growing up used to money.' Or something like that. Because of that, whenever we go out, I'm the one who spends for both of us. This is getting somewhat problematic because I don't have an unlimited source of money, either, and it's been going on for more than a year! When he does have money, though, he does spend for us. And he gives me chocolates if he can afford it, though I keep telling him to just save his money.
Another reason that I broke up with him is that well, in college, we have blockmates and organizations [orgs]. His blockmates are 20 or so people that are in his course. They're classmates in most of the Majors. A common problem in relationships, I think, is maintaining the 'correct' balance between friends and your girlfriend/boyfriend. While most of the people around us spend too much time with their significant other, we're the couple who still can spend time with our friends. Sometimes, though, even if we've made plans, he can cancel a few hours before, because his blockmates invited him to go out. They hardly ever go out, so I suppose it's understandable, but sometimes it bothers me. I've often told him that he can choose to invite me along, since I'm friends with some of his blockmates, anyway, but he's too shy to ask them because he doesn't want to impose.
Another issue is his org. He is in love with his org. I think he'd choose any org activity over me, though I might be exaggerating. It's just that he and I don't share the same course so our scheds are all mixed up, so we don't have a lot of time to spend with each other. His org takes up a lot of his time [especially now that he's an officer] so it lessens the 'us' time. Just this weekend, we couldn't meet because he had another org thing.
Also, his parents are quite strict. They don't allow him to go home too late so again, another restriction on time.
Another qualm I had was that sometimes he'd tell me he'd come over to my house after class but he'd arrive a few hours later, without informing me that he'll be late. It kinda pisses me off coz it seems as if all I do is wait for him. He could at least have said something so I can fix my schedule, as well.
So, money, org, blockmates. His parents kinda don't like me [I think]. I don't know why. I'm one of the 'good' girls. I don't drink or smoke nor do I do drugs. I get great grades. Well, relatively. [Sorry if I sound arrogant, but rather than be humble, I just want to give as many facts as I can.]
Oh, and sometimes, he can get reaaaaaaally depressed and negative over his grades [he's doing fine. Not as good as I am, but not too bad.] and his family/house [In my opinion, their household isn't really healthy. His parents are too critical and not as supportive as they should be. They don't praise, they just criticize. It affected his self-esteem. He's generally quiet, but when we got together, he became more open coz I encouraged him a lot. Even his blockmates noticed a difference.]. His negativity is sometimes difficult on me, though, coz he's just always negative. Or a lot of the time. And no matter how much I encourage him, he'll just twist it into something negative. Which is kinda frustrating. My patience nears its limit.
Hmm.. I also imagined myself with someone smarter than me. I like talking with smarter people, but yeah, I don't think he is smarter than me. I also like speaking in English, but he speaks in our vernacular language. He doesn't mind me speaking in English, but since I feel weird speaking in English while he speaks a different language, I take to speaking in vernacular, as well.
Hmm. Also, when we were together, in the early part, there was sortof a 'shield.' Or at least that's how I'd refer to it. The shield prevented me from liking any other guy, no matter how good-looking or nice or talented or whatever he was. Lately, though, I find myself being attracted to other guys, even when we were together.
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I guess part of the reason I 'chose' him was that I thought my family (parents, brother, relatives) would like him. He's really nice, hardworking, into basketball and music [huge plus]. I think he'd fit in well with my family. The thing is, sometimes, I think that if he were in a different environment, he'd flourish. But he's not and I can see it taking its toll.
So why am I confused? Well, I broke up with him. I don't know if I should have. For the attraction thing, I think I'm too sad to be attracted to anyone. I miss him. I guess a difficult part our breakup is that we both love each other very much. So it hurts. Should I have broken up with him? I don't know.
Oh, and he's not the type to make the first move. I was the one who admitted my feelings to him. It's like I'm the guy in the relationship, in practically every aspect. I think that he won't try to win me back, even if he wants to.
So I don't know. I'm just confused. I'm really sorry for the long story. I hope you can help.
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Hmm.
I can understand your reasons for breaking up with him.
On October first of 2007, my girlfriend of coming up on three years broke up with me. We had been rocky, and I was sinking into depression. I was emotionally unavailable to her, and things just went into a downward tailspin.
We were apart for two months, during which I pulled myself back up to standing and got up and started fixing things in my life. I sought her out and we are now back together, living together for over a year without killing each other.
This doesn't have to be a final goodbye, and if this guy is worthwhile and just needs to grow a pair, this might well help him do that. You don't have to wait for him to seek you out if you don't want to be without him.
Its possible he or you will move on. If that happens, then the break up was right anyway, and the other can move on as well.
If not, be honest with him. Give him this list you gave me, tell him that you can't deal with this anymore, that you love him but you can't get past all the problems, and that he needs to get himself straight before he's datable period.
Don't tell him "if you do this, I'll get back together with you". As far as he is concerned, this break up is final. Stick to it for a minimum of three months if you do change your mind. Even if you talk with him, and he gives you hope, stick to the break up.
One of the worst things you can do in this situation is cave to talk. If you teach him that words can get you back, he won't have to actually start changing himself, and change won't come. Wait to see that he is actually making progress before opening any lines of communication, it would be best if after the above convo you tell him you need to not talk to him for a month, and stick to that. Tell him he can leave a voicemail if its important, like you forgot something and he needs to get it to you.
Some guys need a kick in the ass around his age. I did.
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