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My self esteem problem
Hi there. I'm an 18/M.
I have a big self esteem problem when it comes to girls. Normally, I am a really confident guy. Not scared to meet new people or speak to large crowds. But I have this problem when it comes to girls. See, when I meet a girl I like, instead of asking her out like a normal person would, I quickly idealize her in my mind to the point where I have convinced myself that she is way too amazing to ever want to talk to me. Then, because I have made her out to be so perfect, flawless, I stay in love with her for a year, or more, until I have completely destroyed my friendship and my chances with the girl. This problem has followed me through 13 years of school.
Now, I'm a Senior. Never had a girlfriend, and I'm doing it again with this amazing girl. How do I fix myself?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I'm pretty sure most girls want to be treated as your equal. If you like a girl, make friends with her just as you would a guy. Show her respect by getting to know her. Go for girls that have a lot in common with you so that you have plenty to talk about, and have conversations about those common interests. If something besides friendship forms out of that, then go with it. If not, then the two of you just don't have chemistry. But if you keep doing that when you like a girl, eventually you will just hit it off with someone... then who knows what will happen next!
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well mr. self asteem
all i can really say is girls like a guy who has the abilaty to speak his mind and oh since i dont know your name. im calling you mike so anyway mike dont worry this girl that you love so much
no matter how much youd like to believe it she's not perfect nobody is please take this advise
sincerley: pea brain
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If your really nervous, try little things compliment her & then walk away (depends on the type of girl), wink at her, leave her notes, give her a flower! Try little things! Giver her more & different attention then anyone else! She'll catch on! The better I know her: description & or how she acts. I can give the better advice.^^ Best wishes & Good luck! -Lily
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Well,im a girl and in my opinion just tell her how you feel for her. She might even like you back too but,you just don't know it. I think you should tell her how you feel for her,ask her for dinner,or just ask her out :]
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Oi Christ.
Fair Warning, this is long as hell.
First off, you need to stop trying to get anyone to go out with you. In the simplest terms, you don't know how to relate to girls as just people when you like them.
For the next three months, all girls are just another guy, or are asexual. Whichever you prefer. If you find yourself acting differently around them still, focus on exactly what you're doing and force yourself to stop it.
Women are people too, and they want to feel like people. If you treat a girl like some kind of prize, an un-obtainable goal, etc they will run from you left and right. It makes them feel like you don't know anything about them, and like they are inadequate because you want some super ridiculously amazing standard that they don't feel they meet.
The thing that sucks, is this approach can and will destroy your confidence. It sounds like you're already having issues feeling like this is unobtainable.
Its not. Far from it.
Alright. I'm going to give you some guidelines.
- When you like a girl, try to talk to her regularly. Don't find her every day, but make it a point to find her every few days. Repeat, DO NOT talk to her every day unless its part of a larger group that you always hang out with anyway.
- Make eye contact. If you're never looking at someone, you have no interest in them. If a girl looks at you and you're never looking at her, she's going to assume you aren't interested. If a girl looks at you and sees you looking, but you quickly look away, that's creepy. If you broadcast that you're embarrassed or ashamed of looking at them, they assume you have a reason and it generates an unconscious creepy vibe.
Instead, if someone meets your eyes give them either a small nod or a small quick smile, and find something else to look at.
It expresses confidence. Practice this as you walk around school. Look around, when someone meets your eyes smile slightly and nod at them. Hell, you might make a few new friends just with this, its a very good way to make strangers more comfy around you.
When you know you want to ask a girl out, start a conversation and do so. Talk with her long enough to break the ice, and then if you have to just throw it out there.
- Asking a girl out. Find something you BOTH can be interested in. Hopefully you've talked with her enough to have a few ideas. Ask her if she'd like to go do X sometime, and tell her you're free all weekend. That gives her a deadline without giving her a time to say "Oh, no I'm busy that night"
If you get a no, just smile and say "So would you like to do something another time, or should I wait and butter you up some more?"
That is one of the few true lines I ever throw, and if delivered correctly its both cute and funny.
If the no stands, keep talking to her and hanging out with her as before, seeking her out at least every two to three days at a time when you can hang out for a decent while. Try to talk to her one on one, don't bring up dating in any form for about a week, and ask her again.
Persistence can work as long as you don't smother them. You've got to give a girl time to feel something for you, if you force it you'll snuff out any embers that might have helped you. The trick is to make sure its on her mind without being a constant presence.
-Talking. Master the open ended question. A yes or a no question doesn't invite response half the time. Ask questions that encourage the girl to talk about herself, and remember the things she tells you. Girls like attention, and remembering what they say to you helps(remembering word for word is creepy, too detailed)
Your goal is to have her ask about you as well. Keep initial conversations focused on her a little more than you, your goal is for her to say more than you do.
-Compliments. Again, girls like attention, and noticing things is generally well received. Pay attention to what she wears, her shoes, her hair, etc. If she usually wears sneakers and comes to school in dress shoes, compliment them. If she wears nicer earrings than usual or her hair changes, compliment her.
Basically, what you want is to notice when she's putting more effort into her appearance. When she does this, she wants to be noticed. Noticing her and just dropping in a "oh, your hair looks nice, did you do something to it?" can work wonders.
Bonus points, she's talking about herself again, which is good for you.
-Her Cues. This is a big one. Pay attention to a girls eyes, lips, and hands when you talk to her. Everyone has unconscious body language, and girls do things when they like you.
Girls check guys out the same way guys check girls out. Her eyes might glance over you so often. This is good.
One of the most fun to catch a girl in is when she looks at your lips. This is more likely going to happen during a date. Again, make eye contact while conversing, and watch her eyes. When she thinks you won't notice, she'll glance at your lips. That means she's thinking about them alot at that particular moment.
If you see this, you just got an OK for a kiss before the end of the night.
Playing with hair is very common, as is rubbing herself. Girls might rub their neck, breasts, sides, hips, legs. But if she's rubbing herself around you, you have "that effect" on her. Its usually very subtle, but at the very least if you notice that if her hands dont come into contact with the rest of her body once during a conversation, thats a bad sign, or else means she's preoccupied and isn't thinking about you at all.
-Teasing. Teasing is great. It gives you an excuse to touch her without being creepy (again, as long as you aren't overdoing things) and the ability to tease is directly related to humor. Pick small things, innoccuous things. If she teases you, laugh with her and receive it well.
-The Touch Barrier. This is one of the most easily fucked up areas, because unsolicited touching can be creepy very, very easily. So most guys avoid it like the plauge. The trick is to give yourself a reason. If she seems upset, ask her whats wrong and just put a comforting hand on a shoulder. If you're teasing her, poke her lightly in the arm when she teases you back. Small, innocuous things that get her used to the idea of being in physical contact.
This is another litmus test. If she starts touching you back, and seeming comfy with you touching her, that can be a very big sign of interest.
A note. Beware of hugs.
Hugs can be the death of your romantic intentions. The ONLY two exceptions to the hug rule are
a) When you two are flirting like mad and have made sexually interested comments, so sexual desire is established before emotional intimacy.
b) When she is visibly upset about something, to the point or close to crying.
Other than that, do NOT go for hugs. Don't refuse them if she comes in for a hug, but don't hug her on your own initiative until she's said yes.
Also, if she's hugging you and you know she's in a good mood, its a good chance to slip in a little guyish comment.
I have successfully thrown out "So, do I get to feel you up now?" during a hug when she was in a good mood. I knew it would be well received, doing that is always a chance, but it kept me out of the friend zone.
-Cell phones and such
Its really easy to e-smother someone these days. Too many texts or voicemails or missed calls or e-mails or any combo thereof can be bad.
E-mails I think of as a separate category. I've gotten in the habit of e-mailing as my last thing before bed, and once girls get used to it they enjoy my nightly messages, and it lets me do that whenever I want. I make sure not to do it every night, so that I can send or not send as I choose.
No more than three missed calls in a six hour period, or three texts, without being responded to. One voicemail, and it should be on the last call. Mix and match, if you call and then text, follow up with another call a few hours later and leave a voicemail. If she doesn't get back to you, don't get back to her. Assume that she is going to call you, forget about it, and go do something else.
A key point here, you can't do anything about what she's doing, or how she's responding. Freaking out is just going to smother her. Follow your guidelines, and if you don't hear from her that night call her the next day after lunch. If you see her in your daily routine, ask her what she was up to, drop in a comment that a call was missed, and blow the entire thing off as not a big deal.
This lets her know you want to hear from her, but if she is forgetful and thats why you didn't hear back, she won't feel chastised.
So as a final recap.
When you meet a girl and figure out you like her, its time to cultivate. Pay attention to her, what she wears, and try to talk to her. Ask her about herself.
After a few conversations, ask her out and have a relatively free weekend schedule. If you get a yes, make plans and make sure you have each other's contact info, common sense stuff. Don't smother her in the first few weeks. Oh, and don't ask her out again until the next day after the date. Give her some time to think about it. As you leave, ask her if you can call her the next day after the date.
The last is just a bit of perspective. Everyone finds their niche in the dating world. Some people settle for smaller niches, crappier relationships, etc. Those are the people who don't step forward to take something better.
And I can tell you from experience living with girls, they're just as human and flawed as you are. In all seriousness, its not that hard to get a date once you can treat a girl like a normal person and still like her.
You've got stage fright. Get off your ass, go talk to girls as much as possible, and don't ask any of them out. Just talk to them, including this girl you like. Instead of idealizing her, pay attention to her. Learn to like what is real.
You might well get an opening in the process.
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if you cant ask her write it down in a note and GIVE IT TO HER YOURSELF! personally i find it cute when i guy dows that =)
And Hey Everyone has there little habits dont worry about it.. itll bet bettter =)
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Ask her out. Just go to her and ask her on a date. the movies? change what you did in the past itll help i promise. good luck.
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