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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!
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My older sister and I share a room. She'd been smoking for awhile and I'd been on her ass to quit since cigarettes are unhealthy and disgusting. One day our mom found one of her packs hidden in a drawer in our room. When she asked who they belonged to, I spoke up and claimed they were mine. I got grounded as a result.
I told my sister that since I was taking her punishment for her, she owed me. She told me she'd quit smoking and hasn't since.
I'm now two weeks into a month of being grounded. (Parents don't know I'm on the computer right now) My sister has been cigarette free the entire time. I know guilt tripping her like that was a little manipulative, but if it got her to stop, it's a good thing right? I know she wouldn't have quit if she'd been the one who got grounded. She just would've gotten better at hiding them.
Well here's one way to look at it: Your only crime was lying to your parents. I don't know what punishment they would give for a lie if any. But if the length of time of grounding is because of assuming you really were the one smoking, then perhaps you can get out of grounding by leveling with them or get it shortened.
I am a parent with all girls. They are now young adults but I can look at this from my viewpoint as a parent. Parents want their children to get along and learn to really love and be supportive of their siblings.
The way I look at this, if one of my daughters came and told me eventually that she did not smoke and she was covering for her sister in hopes that the guilt trip would trigger her to stop smoking. And she did this because she were so concerned for sister's well being that she would try anything that worked to get her to stop, then I would find it pretty easy to overlook her lie. I may or may not confront the other child. If she has quit smoking, it might be best to not dig it up and have the stress of my chewing out the other one causing her to go back to cigarettes. I would probably ask the one who covered for her to let me know if she sees or hears anything about her sis starting up again. I'd let her know she was lucky that the guilt trip worked, because if not, sis would still be smoking and the wrong one would be grounded. Even if I felt this wasn't the best thing the daughter could have done, I would let her off grounding since she had good intent in her heart and she hadn't had any preconceived ideas to disobey and lie to her parents, that only came only when wanting to save her sister.
Maybe I am one in a million of what parents are like but I doubt that. Your parents are probably pretty close to being the same as me. I am slow to anger but they may get very angry and upset with the truth, but more out of worry for the sister. I know its scary to bring this up with the parents. I would be scared too. But if I were in your shoes, I think I would still do it. See, the one thing you can learn here is to not go above the person in charge and make decisions. Being under age still, your parents are the ones to decide how to handle the sister and her smoking. Skipping over them is like a slight against them even if you didn't mean it, as if they are not all that important. This happens in job situations where it is best to not go to HR dept with an issue but bring it to your immediate supervisor or manager. It is their job to take it then to someone higher up to take care of the issue. I almost made that mistake until a co worker warned me I had to take it in steps. Only if the manager ignored the issue I brought to him/her, then would I have the right to skip on to the next higher up authority. ITs the same when there are bad parents who don't care even if they've been told. I doubt your parents are the kind who would have ignored this because of the fact they sentence grounding for smoking. That shows they really do care no matter what your sister might have thought.
So it would be reasonable for them to be upset for your not coming to them with this so they could handle it, for taking matters into your own hands, even if it worked. It would have worked at my job too if I'd gone above my boss and the owner of the company heard of the issue through me, but I might have then had bad blood between me and my boss. YOu don't want that with your parents. That is something you can admit to them you realize now was wrong, taking matters into your own hands even if it turned out okay. If you can apologize and show you understand the dynamics of this situation, it will go all the better for you because your parents will see you've learned an important life fact and in that way be happy for you that you are growing and maturing. If you wait until they find out on their own that you duped them, you may lose their trust. They won't be able to trust your sister and that is fitting since she needs to be on good behavior consistently for a length of time to regain their trust, but you may be able to regain their trust that they don't even know they have lost in you by how maturely you handle this, giving the facts, explaining your reasoning and apologizing for overlooking how they would feel. If any child of mine did that, I would be in tears of joy for her having the guts to tell me, and being proud of her that she has learned from what she did wrong. I know I am making you sound like the bad guy here, but that is not my intent. As a parent, we care most that our kids learn from their experiences, and mistakes. The mistake is only the vehicle that gets you from point A of not having a clue to point B where you have learned something and apply it to your life. There is no reason for a parent to harp on a mistake forever just because it happened, only if the person never learns from it. That is why they have grounding. If you took the grounding without complaint and never told them anything, its possible they may see it as your never having learned anything from it let alone your sister. I am glad to hear she stopped. You are a loving sister and that is praise worthy. But you need to show that you have learned something from this.
I wish you the best. Let me know how it goes. I'd be interested in your parents reaction. Either way, even if they do not react favorably as I have outlined a parent should, still try to learn from this and not hold anything against them.
14 year old male. I was in a gender nuetral bathroom at school, and I heard vomitting from another stall. I stuck around to see if that person needed any help, and out came a female friend of mine of the same age. She didn't look like she had the stomach bug and kind of panicked when she saw me. After some questioning, I realized she was making herself puke and has been doing this for a month without anyone noticing, and begged me not to tell. I told her what she is doing is bad and she could really hurt herself, and she got all angry and defensive.
I told the guidance counselor at my High school, and now she's getting a doctor for it and everything. The thing is, she's been my close friend for a very long time and now she refuses to talk to me and literally screamed at me for telling. I did this because I know how dangerous these eating disorders can be, and that people die from them. If she ended up in the hospital and I could've stopped in beforehand, I would not forgive myself.
I really don't want to lose her friendship, and I'm wondering if I did the right thing. She's really upset. I just wanted to help. Do you guys think I'm right? How do I get her to see what she's doing is wrong?
Don't worry because you did the right thing. At her age, she is not going to see the wisdom of this and that you did the right thing. Many young people tend to think they are invincible. They tend to believe it even when they hear the facts and statistics. IT comes with the age as I am sure you probably see in others of your age group.
There is no way to get her to stop being angry with you. Also, to see what she is doing is wrong. And because of that, since it is her own idea to get help, she may not apply herself and keep trying to do the wrong thing. Once she grows older and her mind has matured, maybe her way of thinking about things will mature. I am talking about a real life fact, that the pre frontal cortex of our brain is the last thing to grow to completion. OUr bodies mature before that part of our brain. So basically, the reality is that all of us cope with life with an underdeveloped brain until we reach our mid twenties. YEs, some people are more mature at a younger age but still, this part of the brain which covers how we treat others, and things like being able to see the consequences of any action we are considering taking before we actually do it, and other such things. This is what is behind teens having bad actions like sexting or driving drunk, etc where it all comes back to bite them eventually. Do your best to keep touch with her. She may not be ready to pick up the friendship with you until she gets over her anger or her cortex is completely done growing and she is seeing things in a different light. THis is why people did actions in HS that at my reunion they felt they had to ask me forgiveness for and I said thankyou but I didn't harbor any bad feelings. Who they are now isn't defined by what they did in the past and thats all that matters.
If she totally refuses to let you stay in touch with her, see if you can get a chance to talk to her parents, let them know you're the one who alerted the guidance counselor at school, tell them she is angry you didn't keep this secret and you want to remain friends. She is refusing right now but You hope one day she realizes you did the right thing and is over being angry. YOu would like to be able to stay in touch with the parents so that if worst possible scenerio, she blocks you out of her life for the next few years or longer, that you would like to be able to hear from them when they feel she has had a turnaround and would be ready to hear from you again. They may or may not go for it. But if they do, you can make sure they have your contact info to pass on to her. As with any business, when someone asks for someones numbers, the rule is the number or contact info of that person can't be given out but you can take down the inquirers info and pass it on to the person they asked about with a verbal message. Thats the best you can hope for if she doesnt get over being mad in a few months or a few years. Anyone who made me angry when I was that age, I can now tell the stories and actually laugh at myself and my reaction and usually get others to laugh with me cus more than likely they can relate to something similar when they were that age.
I have arranged a marathon race in Pretoria, South Africa and would like to apply for a sponsorship from NIKE South Africa
Here's the information to contact the headquarters in Gautang and ask them who you would need to talk to about sponsorship in a marathon race. Once you have the right person, just ask them.
https://www.yellosa.co.za/company/904321/nike-sa-pty-ltd-head-office
What is the average rent cost for a 1 bedroom apartment?
I've never been there, but I have a computer and the internet. You can find practically anything on there these days and very easily. You do have to put a search phrase in.
I used, "average cost of rent in Tulsa" and a site came up. You're lucky you weren't trying to do internet searches in the late 80s to early 90's because back then you couldn't misspell and had to have the exact words used to bring up any hits. It was very frustrating then. Don't be scared to do your own searches these days, its very very easy compared to what it was in the beginning.
Heres the link:
https://www.rentjungle.com/average-rent-in-tulsa-rent-trends/
Alright. So I'm not a big fan of having sex because I'm always paranoid and say to myself maybe I'm not ready for sex since I'm always paranoid of the consequences. You may think I'm crazy but I am almost in my thirties.
So
Please reply and I'm full of anxiety.
I had sex with a friend and we were barely at it.
I told him it didn't feel right and we were going at it for a little while.
I made him use a condom. He stopped and I was super paranoid. He said he didn't cum but that doesn't mean anything.
I'm super nervous. We didn't go for a long time and stopped probably within 5 minutes or not even 5 minutes.
I'm pretty sure he didn't break it and he said he didn't.
Am I pregnant? Should I get a test?
Maybe I'm just freaking out! This is why I can't have intercourse bc I get scared everytime.
He didn't cum and had a condom on plus he was barely in that long
The question I need to know is whether you are so scared because of a fear of getting pregnant or whether you simply don't feel ready to have sex or the partner just isn't one who you feel very naturally aroused by, like just being near him and kissing. IF you simply want to experience sex for the first time, picking just any cute guy will not work. Most people who did this...I have heard from many adults... these people do not have good memories of their first time for the reason it was the wrong person.
You don't have to have sex by a certain age, simply cus everyone else did it early. I never did in school. I had sex at 20 and all my daughters followed my example. Some didn't until 21, or 22. Even then, we really aren't all that comfortable with our own sexuality and sex in general. I couldn't even say the word sex when I was 20 and not when I was married in the early years.
Are you pregnant? Likely not. It is more likely that your period is delayed from the stress of worry and not having felt ready to do it. Even if you are way older but this is a new partner, that is scary enough to learn a new partner because no two are exactly the same. Trust me, I know for sure.
About periods delayed: Many things will delay it that are not connected at all to pregnancy. It is either mental stress or physical stress. So worry, dealing with a really bad string of days, starting to get sick, or being sick, having any other physical stress to the body like too much exercise like female athletes who work out and practice every day, all these things will delay a period. And in the case of female athletes, the cycle can even stop completely. There is one more thing that affects the female cycle and that is being consistantly around a lot of other women who menstruate. This would be like working in a small office of only females or having mom and sisters who have periods. Here's the wiki explanation:
He said he didn't cum so without cum that contain sperm, you can't be pregnant . . . unless . . .
there was foreplay, before he put the condom on, in which he was fingering you and he was also undressed and hard and the anticipation of sex in males will release a little of his liquid at the tip of his penis. This may not contain as much sperm as when he ejaculates but will contain some.
So if at any time he touched himself there, got some of his fluid on his fingers and immediately touched you anywhere near the entrance to the vagina, theres a chance a sperm survived to swim in. Sperm can't last outside the body long, so it would pretty much have to have been transferred right to the entrance of the vagina or inside by being on his fingers. Even then, with the lower count, and the possibility the female wasn't ovulating or near the time of ovulation for the sperm to survive long enough to meet her egg a few days later, then there is so very little chance. If you want to be sure, take a pregnancy test. If you decide to keep trying for sex even though you are too nervous about it, I predict your cycle will be delayed every time because of the stress of your worry and in that case, you;d better stock up on pregnancy tests.
Heretohelp1143 what is this “wigger” you speak of
Whenever you need to know what a current slang or term means, turn to Urban dictionary on line. Heres the definition:
https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=wigger
Hi ya,
please do not judge me or anything and if you don't believe in a horoscope no need to answer. we're mates before we dated for a few months and we're both in our 30's but he broke up with me but insists we will always be friends and we still chat in and message. as for a scorpio guy i heard that they don't like staying in touch with the exes. but he's october scorpio and i myself a november scorpio lass. i still feel he cares and we still say, 'i love you' when he pops in to see me but because he was stressed as he thought and said i was too clingy plus he did say just go with the flow but i never listened to him. he's a single father so guys what would you say? he has a 2 year old son with his ex but i still feel like one day he wants me back because otherwise why would a scorpio wants to stay in contact after all? i'm sorry i hope i didn't sound too lame. thanks
Scorpios tend to be very intense in how they approach things in life no matter what sex they are. I am one and have known family and extended family who are Scorpios. I believe that it is due to being so intense that two Scorpios don't always do well together. One has to be mature and evolved enough as a soul to overcome and always make better choices on what our weak spots are which to me would be Scorpios tend to be jealous and quick to speak sharp words to someone or being vindictive, thats the scorpio sting tendency. Of I've felt it, but I choose not to treat people like that. Meeting me, you wouldn't think I was a Scorpio but I am, born on the 15th.
What you are concerned about is not liking to stay in touch with exes. I don't see that as a trait that belongs to any particular astrological sign but a trait of all humans. Let me explain, most people when breaking up if one is still interested in the other, will find they feel awkward as friends with the one knowing the other still has feelings and can see it on their face even if they aren't making any moves. Often, men will say that they can remain friends. This is part of a male trait of trying to let a girl down easy so she isn't too upset. THere are other similar ways men do this and It happened to me when I dated an older man after a divorce and his ex came back wanting to get back together and he wanted to give it a try too with counseling however he was in love with both of us he realized. He made the choice to go back with her but for weeks instead of telling me, He acted very distant, hoping I would feel he lost interest and believe that was the reason once he told me. Guys don't realize that when they do strange things like this to protect our feelings, that it doesn;t work. I actually felt worse and when I cornered him and asked what was up and how distant he seemed, he broke down crying and told me what was up. I understood he had kids with his ex wife and they probably should have originally gone for counseling while married instead of going to that point and him dating me.
You have to decide if he is covering up and trying to make the dating break up easier on you or not. He may be the one with issues. Guys can have commitment issues and get gun shy when a relationship with a gal gets past a certain amount of seriousness, whatever that limit is for each guy. That happened to me too. One guy felt we got serious too quickly, that things happened too easily in our relationship and it scared him and he asked for some time off to think about it.
If he has a child, then he was in another relationship. I'd be curious to find out exactly why that one did not work. Otherwise, if he's the one with issues, there will be a string of other ladies he dates and breaks up with after you. All of this is not something I would pin on any particular astrological sun sign. The traits on sun signs can become modified or canceled out due to other signs like your rising moon or whatever. I remarried and my husband is the one who is pretty good at astrology. When we first talked on the phone after meeting on internet, his first question was what sign I was. I only knew attributes of sun signs. Based on that only, A Scorpio and a Capricorn are not really two that mix well in a relationship. Initially he was disappointed until he got my facts, and looked up everything about me and what house I was currently in and knowing himself as well, he found that even though we weren't meant to do well together, that two things were in our favor. Both of us are old souls who have matured enough to choose to resist our worst traits and make good decisions with each other. The other is that whatever each one of us is experiencing depending on how the planets are aligned at any particular time, is the exact same house, we're both in the house of service and when one of us gets to the middle of the experience, the other is just starting. So our lesson to learn and experience on earth are the same so we are able to be very supportive to each other on those lessons that are the harder or difficult ones. So, who knows, maybe the two of you could work out as a couple. But you didn't share or maybe you don't know the true reason's why he broke up with you. If he isn't willing to work through the harder parts of a relationship, and take the easier route of avoiding the harder things and breaking up, thats what I'd be more interested in hearing.
I get the feeling he doesn't know how to communicate well, cus saying you're clingy and go with the flow are simply words that describe something. Words can have different meaning for different people. If he never went into detail and gave you any clear examples of what he found to be issues with you, then its still a mystery and no one can give you any idea of why he broke up and why he still wants to see you.
Think about this for a minute.I'll use myself as an example. I am outgoing and very chatty. If my bf didn't like how much I talk and he decided to break up with me because he's more quiet and it drvies him nuts when I talk so much, then how is him breaking up but being just my friend, going to make me change, or make me more tolerable to him. He still doesnt like chatty people. So why would he even choose to want to remain my friend?
Do you see what I am trying to explain. Whatever traits he didn't like in you would be enough reason for him to break it off completely and not want to remain in touch and be friends. So either he is Lying when he gives you supposed reasons that he isn't willing to be in a dating romantic relationship with you or he is the one with issues but saying you are, so that you won't look too closely at what it is that he really has a problem with. I don't know either of you and could be wrong but I am feeling theres' more to this than you know about. Until you learn what his issues are, you won't understand the dynamics going on here.
So I’m 13 and a girl and I’ve never dated and I’ve never even had anyone have a crush on me so I don’t have any experience. I have had crushes on boys before but I’m not boy crazy like my friend. Today my other friend came over (she’s a girl) and we were just lying and I think I might have feelings for her. I’ve never had this feeling before. I feel happy but at the same time I feel like there’s a weight in my chest. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be gay. I don’t want to be different. I know my friend is straight. Please tell me what to do
Hi Hon. I will share what I know from having had friends in the past, women, who were gay or bi sexual.
You are at the age when hormones have started working on changing your body from child to adult. It's a process and doesn't happen overnight and lasts quite a few years. So you will have plenty time for actual experience later. At this stage, I wouldn't worry about it. See, I am straight and I had a girlfriend, my closest friend when I was that age, and I too felt a deep love for her. However, it was not a gay or bi sexual love. The way I know the difference looking back at it, is that neither of us were sexually excited by each other or when we saw other females who'd make us feel sexual attraction. While its a young age to even consider having sex, it doesn't mean you are not going to feel sexual attraction to one sex or the other or both. It's normal at this age to begin to feel sexual attraction. However, remember you don't have to act upon it until you feel mature and ready enough and that means not being scared to have sex and mature enough to use protection (if a male)and discuss sex with your chosen partner regarding what you find you like and don't like.
I was your age when I began to feel deeper feelings of love for other people too. I had a free period in HS and could apply to be a teachers help or assistant at the nurses office. I went with the nurse. She was about my moms age. And she was such a kind supportive person to me and about 3 of my friends. All of us were drawn to be around her and spend time talking with her. In a way she was like a non official counselor for those young years in ways my mom might not understand, another adult I knew I could trust to talk to. And on a couple of occasions, as I stood there talking with her, I felt a rush of emotion, of such a strong love, for her but I had no sexual attraction. It doesn't happen often when we experience something like that. I only felt that the one time with her. With my friend it was more but still a handful of times.
Now, I hope you understand you can have feelings for someone but it can be without sexual attraction. Since you probably haven't experienced sex yet, You can't be 100% sure that the exact feeling you have is tied to desire and arousal for someone sexually. It can be more of a curiosity, just wondering. And when you imagine in your mind kissing her or more, you might feel a rush of excited feelings, but that still may not be sexual attraction, but your emotions responding to what you believe to be something forbidden, or bad like girls attracted to 'bad' boys. Thats another story I can explain if you want to go into how we can think and focus on stuff that gets us sexually excited, but you need to realize, that this kind of sexual excitement was in your imagination only. YOu simply used your friend in the scenerio in your mind. This would be like a woman getting sexually excited over imagining a man raping her. That serves well in the imagine to make her feel good but never in real life would she want to ever be raped, and it would be a tramatic experience. So sometimes, what our own opinion is of gay sex can either feel normal or forbidden. AM I making sense to you? I hope so. I don't always explain well but since you said you don't want to be gay, somewhere in your mind, even subconsciously, your mind may keep thinking about sex with girls just because of a combo of hormones and it falls into the forbidden catagory in your mind. This is all normal hon and nothing to worry about. Just so you know, if a gay girl wanted to be friends with you, it doesnt mean she thinks you're gay or that she is attracted to you that way. I have known gay women who only wanted to be friends and knew I was straight. I had such a friend in 9th grade. Just saw her at reunion. We are strictly friends. See, being gay doesnt mean the galwill want sex with every woman. Most likely she will be monogamous as well and only feel that way for one person. As far as bi women, I met more of these. Talked to their husbands to get their take on it. The husbands were straight, but knew from the start that the wife was attracted to females. Either she'd have one female sex partner on the side which the husband supported or a few women. Otherwise, she did not like men at all except for her husband. Then there were women who felt more straight, had a bf or husband but only were attracted to just one woman, not any others at all. ANd if that woman moved out of her life, she was not attracted to any other women. I also was invited by a friend to go along to a pool party one summer. My husband and I went and really knew no one there. I tanned by the pool and after a while I noticed almost all the women were missing. I asked where they went and was told that two of the women were bi-sexual and all the women were curious to watch or experience that and all where in a room in the house together for that. I never went. I wasn't interested at all. But I never felt that people who have alternative sexualities to be weird or odd or to avoid them for friends. This isn't all about what you were feeling but I felt that telling a few stories might help you see how normal all of this is no matter who or what sex you're attracted to. Write me if you come up with another question on the topic after reading my answer. Blessings to you dear.
Hi. My car is an old 1998 Nissan but still in a good condition. I've been using it for about four years now. I haven't been using the aircon since I bought it the car from my sister because it had a faulty compressor. I fixed the compressor yesterday and the aircon is working fine but the water in the car's radiator starts to dry up after a short drive (even though the radiator had been working perfectly fine before the aircon incident, and still works perfectly if I don't use the aircon). What can I do to stop the radiator water drying up? I can't get a brand new radiator even if I wanted to, because it is an old car. Even if I buy a fairly used radiator, there's no guarantee that it will be as good as my current one. Your advice will be much appreciated.
I think you might get a faster answer checking with sources of free online advice for car repair. Here is one. You can put in a search for others if this doesn't pan out.
https://www.2carpros.com/
So when I was applying for colleges in 2016. My mom is easily influenced by what her friends say. Her friends were telling her stuff like don’t let your daughter go to a far away school cause my daughter was lonely and depressed when she went away. Or tell your daughter to live at home it’s cheaper blah blah. So my mom basically controlled the types of schools I could apply to the furthest away I could go was a school 2 hours away. And the rest had to be in the area. So I applied to that 2 hour away school and I got in but I also got into all the schools in my area. The problem is I didn’t get into the program I wanted I got into all my backups and the school that was 2 hours away gave me an alternate offer. I would’ve taken it but my mom said why bother and told me to go to a school nearby (for a backup program that I didn’t even want to do) so that I can go from home. The reason why I’m writing this is because now my sister is going to college and my parents had the nerve to tell her she can live on campus. Mind you the school she’s going to is 30 minutes away by driving and an hour away by train. I don’t think it’s fair because if you’ve seen some of my previous posts my parents basically ruined my college experience from day one by not letting me live on residence and not letting me go to school clubs (since they start at 6, which since school is mostly during winter months it gets dark outside). I’ve been going through loneliness and depression b being at home because since I go to a commuter school (an hour away by bus, 20 mins by car) people just go to school to go to class and then go home, it’s hard to make friends that way and I believe if I lived on residence it would’ve been easier to make friends since I would’ve always been on campus. I expressed my anger to my parents and they said “you can live on campus when you’re doing your masters” as if undergrad and graduate school is the same thing. I haven’t heard of a masters student living in undergrad res, there’s student housing but it’s not the same thing as residence. What do I do? My dad also said that he thinks I’m scared of the real world and I need to grow up but how can I enter the real world when he’s sheltering me? All my parents are doing is enabling my social anxiety and I know if I lived on residence I could’ve conquered my social anxiety because when I went to orientation (I was only allowed to go to 2 out of the 10 orientation days) I went to orientation by myself and faught the anxiety by talking to a bunch of people I didn’t know.
I answered you in detail on the question about having overprotective parents in which you mentioned college and the same you mentioned here.
You never said then and didn't now whether the parents are paying for all your schooling. If they pay, they usually get their way. So if you don't want to be beholden to them and feel like you have to do exactly as they wish, the answer is doing the harder thing and working your way through school which will take lots longer.
You ask how to approach your parents about something but told a story and didn't make it clear what you want to ask. From the story, I could assume you want to ask about living on campus like your sister. But it doesn't matter what you want to discuss because I am betting you haven't done anything with any of the advice you've gotten.
Here's one odd piece of insight: We grow up seeking approval, affirmation, nurturing and love from our parents. Could it be you fear losing that if you do not do as they ask? If so, you need to let go of your need to please your parents. That is advice straight from a family dynamics workshop.
You have the kind of parents who probably won't listen to only words from their kids, dear. So only taking action will communicate to them. By taking action, you communicate that you are no longer allowing them to exercise control over your life. You can’t change your parents. You can only change how you deal with their controlling parenting style.
It seems your parents are more easily influenced by listening to various suggestions from other adults. So either you grin and bear it and stop complaining or if what I just said angers you enough to do something about it, then DO something. The easiest way, not the best way for you though, is to find a relative your parents are close to, a relative who will side with you and tell them the story and how the parents have been listening to friends to decide what to command their adult children to do. This relative can give their opinion which is your opinion. That would be the easiest but keep in mind this doesn't give you the experience of standing on your own and gaining control of your life. You might get what you want this way but you are setting yourself up for a life long problem of being weak and hiding behind others if you can find someone to be your voice and force the issue, like having a caretaker. Some women choose a husband to control their life instead of their parents which can be much worse.
Not to scare you but I found the following to be true but in my case starting with first husband:
Either way, by not learning now how to take control of your life now, you leave yourself open to attack from not just the parents, but a boyfriend or spouse, boss, co-workers, friends, accquaintences, where you are continually used, abused, given unfair ultimatums, trampled on and taken advantage of. That's not much to look forward to and attending college alone will not help you get past this. All the above treatment I got from my ex husband but to some degrees experienced that in jobs, even from people in my life. Heres an example:
I want you to picture in your mind for a moment you are in a job where your boss asks you to do something against the law or ethically bad and if you don't you'll lose your job, what will you do? If you are strong, you'll quit, eveb as scary as no income is because your morals won't allow you to do something wrong even if the ultimatum is some time without income. Or if weak, you cave in to the fear, allowing the boss to use his ultimatum as leverage to get you to do his will, which is again a way of controlling you. By silently agreeing to his ultimatum you are making a choice, to give control of your life over to someone else. This happens every day to someone in the U.S. Do something wrong and keep the job, or refuse and quit. I am not making it up, I've read peoples stories and some are from people in higher end jobs like doctors. The most horrifying one was a story of a doctor who performed late term abortion. The baby survived even though other pre-mature babies died. It was in a container to collect waste tissues. After time went by and the baby was still alive, he had the baby transfered to neonatal premie care area of the hospital he worked at. He was reprimanded and told the baby was aborted so it should have gone out in the trash. NOw thats a moral choice. Its alive, not dying and deserves a chance to live rather than be thrown out with the trash in a hospital of all places. This was many years ago and things have changed some since then but I remember the doctor said if it happened again, he would do the same. He was threatened with losing his job. So he quit and went to work elsewhere. I may have some details wrong as that story was about 25 years ago or less if I recall but that was the actual story. The doctor made sure that story got out in print.
Only taking control over your life will help. At your age dear, to be fair, I wasn't ready to take full control of my life. It wasn't my parents but the guy I married at age 20. He was controlling and verbally abusive. I didn't grow the balls to take control until almost 30 years into the marriage, despite family encouraging me to leave him from the start. He verbally attacked them too for standing up for me when I couldn't for myself. Actually, talk didn't help. He smirked at me when he saw me packing all my clothes to leave, "Can I help you pack?" he offered. He thought I might go to a friends overnight and return the next day. He had no idea I had finally decided that the alternative of staying with him and dying early from the daily stress and unhappiness, was not a good one. We had a shared bank account. When leaving work to go stay with friends out of state, I made sure the money was given to me in a check and put it into a new bank account I had in my name only at a different bank. He was enraged when the money didn't show up in our account and I'd been gone a few days. By 4th day, in retaliation he called the phone company and told them to shut off my phone which they did. Of course he did that as a last ditch effort to scare me, hoping it might make me feel he still controlled my life and I had no choice. Time went by and he sent many terrible emails which I never responded to but read. I had friends who know him and saw him often enough who told me he was going around telling terrible false stories about me. My thinking, if anything he said was believed by people, then those people didn't really know me as these couple of friends did, and were not really friends.(People who believe only one side of the story as the truth without checking out for themselves what the truth about a person is, are simply weak minded people, easily controlled by others and not worth being in association with. In grade school, I switched schools when the parents bought a house and the first couple of days of school, all the girls approached me to warn me not to associate with Twila, and told all sorts of bad things about her. I had a choice to believe them or check out Twila for myself. I had actually moved in next door to her. I did the latter, and found nothing wrong with Twila except that her and I didn't have much in common to become close friends.)
To relate to yourself, don't be surprised if in anger your parents start telling horrible untruths about you to others when you finally are ready to take control of your life. I don't think you are ready yet. As I said, I wasn't ready at your age. However I did not have someone--like me telling you-- how it wouldn't get better and how things would progress as time went on. If I had, I am pretty sure I would have made the effort a heck of a lot sooner than waiting til I was approaching 50. By the way, it took my ex 7 years to get his head around it and be ready to get a divorce from me. I can't think of anything else I can tell you right now that will make a difference in your life.
As a last note, if the parents aren't fully paying your way through college, then you are not stuck having to worry about them pulling out the funding of your schooling if you choose to go against their wishes. A parent is a parent til the day they die, but their role as raising and teaching you and choosing for you stops when you legally turn an adult which you are now. I have grown children and I don't always like their choices or what they are doing. I find myself having to bite my tongue and not say a word or share my opinion or advice. If they do not ask my advice as another adult who knows them better than anyone else, then I can't as I'd be out of line. I have only asked sometimes, would you like to hear my view of it, or my opinion, or would you like me to share some advice, to which most the time they all say no, then I can not say a thing. Obviously, this all hasn't even entered your parents minds and they have no idea how much damage they are doing by not allowing you to spread your wings and make your own choices. Let me explain why.
In college we can experience and learn three important things: an close community with peers, many opportunities to learn new skills which can be scary and overwhelming at times, and an opportunity to bond with unrelated adults who can give good advice and counsel to help young adults figure out who they want to be, where they want to go, and therefore, how to get there. These can be deans, advisors, health and mental health advisors, learning specialist. you simply have to ask around to discover what panel of what is available, not to make decisions for you but give you enough facts and evidence to make the best decisions for yourself. YOu will mess up and make bad choices at times. Everyone does. But your parents role is not to prevent you from doing that and protect you. They could as parents, like don't play with the outlet, you can get a shock, or don't touch the oven door, its hot. They could steer you though the obstacle course of childhood and do what they could to protect you. When you reached adulthood, the protection they are used to, setting the boundaries, making the rules and making choices for you is no longer a good thing, it is actually counter productive to you learning how to be an adult. The only way you are going to learn now, IS by actually making those mistakes yourself, trying to limit mistakes by using plenty of people as sounding boards to bounce your ideas or situations off of to gain different info or perspectives of looking at something, not to gain a direction or action to take. You can do this with supportive non controlling parents, other adults in your life you trust and of course the many adults whose role is to give guidance at college. Start talking to guidance counselors about your situation. They may have good info to share as well.
17/f
I'm in a really small school, there's 12 people in my grade. In my geography class, there is 7 of us. The teacher is my favourite she's really nice but for some reason I'm really shy in that class. In math and bio I participate and answer questions and I don't even like the teachers but in geography I know the answers but I'm to shy to answer. When I try answer, my voice literally just won't come out or if it does it's really soft. Why am I so shy to participate in class when it's my favourite teacher? I've been in the school since I was 6 and the teacher is young and isn't intimating at all. How can I get myself not to be shy in her class and to get my voice to actually come out?
So if I get this right, you have no trouble in other classes or anywhere in your life with being outgoing and the social butterfly, just this one class. If that is the case, then I would agree with the other advice person, that in your mind, since you like this teacher, you are more conscious of what you are saying, even if you the answers. You are deep down afraid of what she might think of you as a person. I have heard of students that had teachers where the friendship was mutual, some teachers acted like the big sister in that case. So you have a fear of being found lacking in some way in her eyes, not as a student but as another person and possibly a friend.
I understand you may not even be thinking this with your conscious mind, and thats why you don't know. However I believe this is more important to your subconscious mind. There is such a thing as our conscious and subconscious minds warring with each other by the actions you take or things you say. All I can tell you is what I myself have done that works for me. I treat my subconscious like a totally different person inside of me. Like a best friend who wants to please me. Your sub. is in awe of this teacher and so afraid to speak up. It is your subconscious choosing to take your voice away and keep you silent so there is no chance of offending her in some way, maybe even coming across as immature due to your age when she is of course years older. Your subconscious is possibly afraid of rejection by her.
So when my sub is afraid of something, I talk to it, in my mind or out loud in private, as if talking to a kid sister. If you had a younger sister who was afraid of walking alone in the mall, you wouldn't callously say, Good gosh, just get the guts and do it and stop whining about it. No, instead you would try to help her face her fear in tiny steps. So if you are feeling the fear inside of just going to the mall the day before, you tell her there is no reason to be afraid as you are going tomorrow. When tomorrow comes, you feel the fear again and say, you're not at the mall yet, no reason to feel fear and it goes away as she's reassured. You now arrive at the mall but are in the parking lot and say, no reason to fear, we're still outside the mall. YOu work yourself up to the point of what it is you want to do but your subconcious is holding you back on. I did this with a dentist visit way back when and no longer fear going to the dentist ever. I feel in control.
There must be a way you can do something like that which will apply in your situation. YOu do have to tell yourself that teachers don't usually have close relationships with students and that is always a concern for officials higher up. But you can at least try to be friendly in class. Let your subconscious know that for now, you're not going to focus on answering normally but just taking small steps to be friendlier than usual to your teacher. Bring her a bouquet of flowers from your garden. If she asks the occasion, you can say you wanted to do something special because she;s your favorite teacher or simply tell her that when handing her the flowers.
You are in luck as there are many National appreciation days in the US. and others worldwide. I looked it up and heres one up coming you can use to do something special for her. It's coming up the first full week in May.
National Teacher Day is on Tuesday during Teacher Appreciation Week, which takes place in the first full week of May. The National Education Association (NEA) describes National Teacher Day as "a day for honoring teachers and recognizing the lasting contributions they make to our lives".
Try to engage her in little bits of convo here and there just before or after class. Your time will be limited due to other classes to attend so at least you can tell yourself, you don't have to talk long. But on a Monday you can ask how her weekend was and if she did anything special. Maybe theres time to tell her one thing you did that weekend. Slowly get yourself used to feeling more comfortable with her. Realise that teachers tend to really develop a special care for their students, not as close as love for mom and dad or ones mate, but a strong liking for each one and are sad to see them go at the end of the year. I remember my daughters going to a school event at their grade school when they were in junior high or HS and got a chance to see some of their old teachers there and it was a blast for them and the teachers. I watched the teachers faces light up and hugs were exchanged and teachers would ask how their lives were going. Having someone that you see daily for an entire year is going to build some caring and closeness to students and vice versa. So don't worry about rejection. From talking to a teacher once who confided in me, the only kids they find it hard to get close to are the ones who act up, disobey and disrupt the class , etc. They are concerned for them but won't have that special teacher-student bond.
So tell your subconscious, (like talking to yourself) that you want to slowly build that connection/bond with your favorite teacher and it means having to talk to her a little. Soon you will find it easier to do and since you know all the answers, eventually will find speaking up in class is no longer an issue.
Let me know how it goes dear.
I'm in my early 20s, and am in a job that I love. I'm always told I'm good at my job, I enjoy it and I feel I am doing well.
The one thing that is holding me back and is acting like a barrier which I can't seem to overcome is my confidence.
I am confident I am doing a good job, but I am also very quiet at work . I'm naturally introverted and struggle to join in as it's quite a loud office.
I get on well with my colleagues and they respect me but sometimes I wish I could show my fun self a bit more and not be so quiet and serious!
I want to join in with the banter so to speak but am to shy to do so. Newbies who have only been there a week / month are quite loud and can join one straight away. How can I be like them?
I see no one has answered you yet. I wasn't sure what to say as confident people as you state you are don't usually have a problem with speaking too soft. Sounds like you are at the point I was in my last yr of HS when I was tired of being quiet and shy and tried a plan I could take at my own pace until I finally got over it. Heres an article that seems to confront your issue and talks about it:
https://www.succeedsocially.com/quietvoice
The last paragraph details in a nutshell what I did to get over social anxiety. I was way worse off than you by how you describe yourself right now. It worked for me. Here's their last paragraph you'll see in the article:
"Keep putting yourself in scary situations until they don't feel as intimidating. Start with scenarios you can handle right away, and then as you become more sure of yourself, work up to ones that make you feel more inhibited."
Yes, there will always be some fear or awkwardness felt starting out. I had to start with just smiling at people. Was too afraid to do that, thinking it would encourage them to talk to me. I did that til I was comfortable knowing most would only smile back and only a few might say just Hi and keep going. By the way, this doesn't include practicing with friends or family you are already comfortable with but doing so with people where you do struggle, so trying to learn in baby steps you can handle is best.
Try starting out by not trying to jump into a multi person conversation but complimenting co workers as long as you feel genuine about the compliment. People have a way of picking up on the unspoken stuff and may feel it isn't genuine if you say things you dont really mean.
So if you like a new necklace one gal has on, tell her so, I love your necklace. SHe'll say thank you. IT can end there or you can ask where she got it. One time the answer I got was, My daughter gave it to me for Mothers Day. To which I then made one more comment, "Isn't it wonderful to have loving daughters with such good taste?" To which she agreed and that was the end of the convo. But that is quite successful if you think about it because I got a chance to speak 3 sentences and be understood by someone and probably made them feel real good too with the compliment. Try tackling one on one first and if a second person joins in, no problem. But to try to make yourself heard at the start with the entire group is quite formidible. Even now, as chatty and outgoing as I am, my ears are getting older and I don;t always catch every word especially when there is lots of background noise, office, traffic, extremely loud decibel speaking. If I really don't have anything to add to a loud conversation, they'll never miss it. It should be fun having a pleasant convo with coworkers. I remember those well and they were all pleasant. It shouldn't be anything other than a bit of a challenge outside your comfort zone, not something you end up stressed, your ears ringing, feeling like you felt fake to yourself, tired from trying too hard, etc. It may come down to a couple of your co workers having diminished hearing either from birth, being older or having damaged their eyes working without protection around noisy equipment or routinely listening to music played way too loud. So people with diminished hearing will talk at a louder decibel, something I have started doing and my husband points it out. So it may not be a habit to talk overloud but a hearing problem and when we can't hear ourselves talking well enough, we tend to talk louder. If there is no one who doesn't talk at lower decibels when only one on one or a group of three of you, then you may want to try practising with other people as well. In your case, who knows, it could be a combo of things, issues with their hearing and issues with your confidence in speaking to be heard and even knowing what to speak.
Start with compliments. Thats pretty easy. Move on to asking a question, like "Hey did anyone go see any interesting movie this weekend?" Sometimes in a noisy group, thats all I get in, is a chance to start a topic when the louder people take over and there is no chance to jump in and say something.
Even if you don't really need the answer, or don't care what movie they saw, you have to come up with something to practice to start. Then later you will come up with other things to ask mid conversation, like if someone mentioned seeing a dog they thought was abandoned and someone already asked where and somebody already asked what she did then, you could ask what kind of dog it was. Not that it makes big difference to you. But lets say she says it was a terrier and then someone else in the group mentions that terriers are her favorite dog. So now the topic has moved from abandoned dog to favorite dog. So either you ask what other peoples favorite dogs are or share what your favorite is if you have one. Some might say they are cat people instead and you never know, the conversation might eventually lead to crazy cat ladies. Just pay attention and look for clues to move to another topic and start that topic.
Good luck dear.
Hi there! I'm 27 years old/female and I'm graduating with my Masters in Higher Education Administration with a graduate certificate in academic advising at the end of this month. For those who don't know what that is.. it's basically a career to work within a university. Ideally, my goal was to work in academic advising... helping students to pick their classes, adjust their schedules, try to decide their majors, etc.
I had been offered a part time position at the local community college as an advisor. However, to work at a four year university, you need a masters. I did not take this position because unfortunately, I cannot afford to work part time. I am completely financially independent, as I'm not married. So, every bill falls on me and my parents are quite financially underprivileged. They cannot afford to help me. So, I took on this other job at a non-profit, which offered a great salary and wonderful benefits. I work in an early childhood center, managing several centers and developing curriculum... which is in line with what i received my bachelors in... early childhood education.
Now... I am finishing my masters this month and I am eligible to apply for academic advising jobs at four year institutions. However, I have only been working at my current job for about three months. I took this job because i had been out of work for six months. I was in a dire situation. I went weeks without eating. I was hospitalized. Not a good time in my life. The thing is... that my job is VERY far. I drive about an hour to get to work. It really isn't oriented towards the career I've chosen. However, I don't know if it is in my best interest to stay for a while and have this as a solid job on my resume... or if I should rip the bandaid and start searching for jobs as an academic advisor. Will I be set back if I stay... or would I be starting from scratch in a new job?
I think I am a bit confused because you say of current job:
...which is in line with what i received my bachelors in.(this is the non profit job)
and in next paragraph:
...It really isn't oriented towards the career I've chosen.
All I can figure is that it is one of several jobs you could do with your particular bachelors. And that you want your dream job right away which is not related at all to the current one.
What is the hurry? If you had to hire someone from two applicants, both who aced their studies and know their stuff well, but only one has a track record they can show as to how well they did their position, how dependable they are, etc... would you go for the one who has not yet worked a day in their life, even if not related to the jobs applying for, or go with someone who can prove they are a worthwhile employee?
See, there are some things that school doesn't teach you. You can graduate and have all the head knowledge, but not know how to get along with co workers, how to work as part of a team or do well also on your own, how to be punctual, dependable, organized, friendly, supportive and helpful, etc....there are so many qualities that fall more into a persons characteristics as a person, not their schooling but will have an impact on whatever job they do. I know how I would answer, I'd go with the person who has proven themselves in a job already. I can't tell you that 3 months is enough time or not enough. It will likely depend on the person actually doing the hiring.
I don't know how far behind you got while unemployed but it might be better to get caught up if need be and get a small savings set aside because even in a new position, there area transitions and it might be some time before your first paycheck if its not bi monthly but a monthly paycheck. I would think that 3 months might make someone think of a young person who can't stay employed long, tires of a job and just leaves it without good reason. Even if thats not your reason, 3 months isn't long at a position to show how dependable you are, can they rely on you and hire you, or will you be gone in 4 months if you see something better you want to go after. People hiring do think these kinds of ways. They may understand you left the 3 month job as it was just to pay bills but there will always be that wondering if are you doing the same with their company, going for a job just to get one now but will anything entice you to leave and go after something better? A brand new graduate hasn't got any track record of being an employee but you may worry about losing a chance to get the perfect job. However, realize that out of dozens applying for the same job, the change you will be the one who gets it is fairly slim.
I am assuming the jobs you want to go far are all going to be near you so you wont be traveling an hour. Travels cuts down on time for you, cooking, sleeping, errands, laundry, etc... And its wear and tear and more gasoline cost as well if you own a car and its not public transportation.
YOu need to talk to your current boss and let them know you will attempt to stay with them a while but also put out feelers looking for another job and if by chance someone wants to hire you, how much time will they require as notice of you leaving so they can also have time to hire a replacement. This is something you should know now in case someone does want to hire you. It is not smart to just quit now and be free to start on the spot with a new employer. One of my daughters went into college to become a doctors assistant. Of the people she graduated with and kept in touch, only a handful found jobs in that field right away. She kept trying and even gave one office some free work so they could see how good she was. But she never did land a job in the medical field. Her fellow graduates had bills to pay and couldn't wait and had to take totally unrelated jobs.
That is more often the case, the market flooded with graduates and not enough jobs available with that degree. ANd she took her degree because of hearing how the medical field is just exploding and never has enough people to fill the jobs. That is not what she found out. Same for my husbands daughter. It been years since she graduated with her CG degree. She could not find anything in her field and she wasn't shy, she went out of her way to meet key people too. She had to pay bills and at once point worked as diaper changer in a large daycare and another, coming up with designs for a tattoo artist, but not being able to get taught how to do the actual art work herself. She finnally has the job she wanted. But in the meanwhile met and married the guy she's with and they had to move to NY for her to finally have the job she wanted.
You don't know how long or if you'd ever land a job if you consider worst case scenerio as I've just shared. Its not just a couple stories but personal ones I can share from my life but I've heard of many more just like this in all fields, there are not enough jobs. SOme times there are 100 people or more all applying for one job that is a specialized position. That is crazy. So it might be best if the chances end up that slim after numerous tries, that you decide to stop looking and wait until you've been with the current job longer, check into possible car pools with others from same company who may live in your area. Or perhaps you might consider moving if you can get cheaper rent closer to the job you currently have. These are all ideas and the final decision is yours. All you can do is make your best guess and if it doesnt pan out, regroup, not give up and try something new, and you'll need a big dose of patience to get that job you want. I just asked hubby how long it was, and his daughter had to wait 5 years before she finally got the job she dreamed of. She had to take whatever she could get in the meanwhile. So don't give up, even if it takes a long time and even if the job you want is not in your area. You may have to greatly widen your search to other counties or even states. But if the job is that important to you, then its worth the changes you make to get that job.
I'm 23 and my best friends are 24 and 27. Just in the last month both of them announced they're moving out of state.
I can't help, but feel like I'm being left behind. They both have a significant other they're moving with and one has a baby. I feel like they're both taking the easy way out and it makes me mad...and admittedly a little jealous.
The one is leaving with her SO because she's tired of working and he said she could be a stay at home mom if she leaves with him (he's joining the military). The crazy part is she just saw him for the first time in a year because they had been broken up, but now that he's offering her that she wants to get back together with him.
The other got her degree, but can't find any work in it so she's just going out of state to get a different degree and start over in a big city. I feel like it's a bad idea because neither her or her S.O. have a job and they're taking out tons of loans to cover everything until they can find jobs.
Meanwhile I'm working full time and just recently got a new job that's paying better money than I've ever made. I'm also trying to finish my degree, but working means more to me right now. I'm dating around a bit, but nothing serious because I have a lot on my plate and I find that adding a guy just adds unnecessary drama.
When they both leave though I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. They're really the only two friends I have and I know once they move they're going to be moving on with their life and making new friends. I know the easy answer is make more friends, but that's easier said than done, especially when I work a lot and when those two friends have known me my whole life. I know there's also the possibility of visiting them, but realistically that probably won't happen because I don't get a lot of time off and I'm skittish about planes.
How do I cope with losing two of my closest friends and very possibly never seeing them again?
Well, first is to realize that your emotions, and how you feel are going to be affected by how you think. That is why when we are watching a sad movie with people just acting the parts and its not real, our thoughts are on the injustice or the loss of someone and we cry. We know its not real but yet we get sad. That may not be the best analogy but how you think is affecting how you are feeling.
I am not saying we should try to not miss someone who leaves but we can't let it be the defining factor in what our life is going to be like from now on. A married person who loses their mate to death is of course going to mourn them terribly and without finding somewhere to put all the attention and care they gave their spouse and put it into something else or they may find they no longer can see a purpose to live and go on.
People come into our life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. You don't get to decide which ones get to stay with you a lifetime. Life is about change, never staying in the same spot for long, Either we're learning more, changing jobs, changing homes, ending some relationships and starting new ones, marriage, divorce, having kids, adopting, volunteer work, etc.... There is so much that brings change into our lives. You may not like decisions or the reasons for decisions your two friends are making but it is their lives, not an extension of your life. So they have to make the best decisions they can whether you internally agree or not.
In your case, it doesn't sound like you had much extra time to spend with them considering your schedule and all that is on your plate. So it wouldn't help to tell you to find activities to pour your time into. Its even better if not finding something like a club or new hobby but if you take time to do something that helps makes some one elses life more enriched in some way. Hubby and I volunteer one day a week at a church putting out community dinners for free. I have heard people who go into schools saying they'd like to be reading buddies with children and once they've screened you, you can go into the class and have the teacher show you where she needs you. I recently saw a clip of older men and women, retired who have nothing else to do with their time and they either give love and attention to local puppies/kittens at a shelter or they give the same to premies born in the hospital. These are not advertised volunteer positions, but sometimes, in volunteering our time, we'll find new direction in our life or new friends made.
You need to stop thinking of this as your friends abandoning you and being left behind. You also need to stop thinking that your friends should never have made decisions for their life which take them away from you. Now if two people were married and one said, you stay here since you have obligations here but I am going to move to another state to take that job offer. See ya.
That would be a situation of being abandoned and left behind and worse, of two people who are supposed to be a unit/coupe that makes all decisions together, taking all into account and making the best decision that both of them can abide by. Yes, there is such a situation. but thats a committed/married couple. Same for same sex couples but you didnt mention being lesbian and the others seem to have men in their lives, so what might apply to a married couple doesn't apply here to a best friend. My best friend moved to another state when she married. Once we were apart, it was hard at first, the first year maybe. But then changes came into my life, new job new relationship and before I knew it, married and having kids like my friend. Once apart, we lost contact for a while and then she found me on facebook. Since then, she'd visited a couple times and I realized that we learned, we grew and no longer had the same things in common any more, we both come from vastly different worlds now. As a result, we don't talk much anymore as there is nothing she believes and devotes her time and energy to that resemble mine. If you can't see that as being possible, heres a few of my examples, My religious beliefs now are vastly different than hers, political views different, our goals for retirement really different, different hobbies, in fact there is nothing that I am currently passionate about that she even gets, or things she is passionate about that I experiences so long ago it like going back to grade school to talk about. Obviously, we didn't both change and grow in all areas at the same rate or even about the same things. We keep in touch but its nothing like our childhood and teen years together. I can treasure that memory but thats about it. I have different friends now, people who are much closer to the same point I am at in life so we can relate together much better.
Don't be jealous that they seem to be moving on in life. You might not be making a move away from where you live, but you are doing the level headed thing, something that an adult has to do, focus on and finish school. And it is a choice to not get into a relationship now as well. All this is no less important than what they are doing.
Once you change your line of thinking to this being part of change that is inevitable in life, friends moving away, then your emotions will follow suit and calm down.
If you met a guy tomorrow who is also focusing on school but says he wants to invest time in a relationship with you once you both are done with school and moving you with him back to his state where his friends and family are and his family is well to do, and you both are in love. If your two friends were still in town hanging around only to be with you and not moving on with their lives....would you say no to your special guy and move to another state and stay in town to live your life married (so to speak) to your two best friends, none of you ever marrying a guy, or having kids, could you be happy with that? Or would you choose to move on to your new life because you're in love, school is behind you, there'll be a place to live with family til you get jobs and place of your own in his home state? Would you worry about your friends hating you for choosing to move on with your life and follow what seems right, even though you may be leaving your friends, own parents and siblings behind to follow your husband or husband to be? Would you think it even fair of them to want you to stay and break up with your love, just to be with them in the same place for the rest of your life? \\
I know, extremely blunt but picturing roles switched and in the other persons shoes, can also help you gain perspective to see that this is a part of life. LIfe is all about change.
I'm friend's with this kid. We aren't very close, but I still hung out with him every once in a while. He just makes me so angry! He thinks he's higher up than everyone else! He'll butt into conversations that he has no part being in, and talk shit about random people when they make the tiniest inconvenience. This one time in class we wrre discussing religion. He kept whispering to our table that none of this ever happened, and that god wasn't real. I'm fine if you don't believe in that kind of stuff, but there's no need to put down other peoples beliefs like that! Recently though, a friend if his told me he had some form of autism and can't help this type of stuff. Now I feel extremely bad for getting so angry. But he keeps doing this type of stuff and it's really getting on my nerves. I thought about ending the relationship, but I feel guilty doing so. I'm not sure what to do now, and I really need advice!
There are many social disorders on the autism spectrum so it doesn't have to resemble the autistic you may have seen portrayed on screen. I do think that what we would consider rude of his behavior may just be a social disorder. We met someone one summer, a friend of a friend and he hung out with us and was always talking as if he was a know it all(this is what I can see people seeing as acting higher up than others) This grown man has never learned how to socialize with others well and at nearly 50 or over, he would start talking even if you were already talking to others, or if your mind was on something else, instead of getting your attention, might stand near you but out of your vision and start talking. WHen you turn around, you realize he wasn't talking to anyone else, just assumed that if he starts talking, everyone will automatically pay him attention. He also would jump into conversations and argue points and try to make himself sound very educated. I now have a son in law like that. Can't escape it. I can't tell him if I think he's wrong on a point. If I share any opinion, that launches him into a one man war to change my mind about my perspective, he sees anything said or written as a challenge to be corrected by his superior wisdom. OTher than that, he's harmless. There are more and more people today who seem to have some variation of this or another. All you can do is when you have gotten to your limit of their tweaked version of socializing and feel ready to snap, then its time to take a good long time away from them. Once you've had some peace and quiet and feeling good again, then if he wants to be near you and starts doing his thing, you will be better able to handle. If you are wondering, no, not a single person I know of who has to deal with such people feel like they have to learn to like it because its a disability. Most of the people with such disorders are not getting any professional training on how to handle their disorder or do not realize or believe they have a problem, even though its obvious to the rest of us. So don't feel guilty and let guilt push you to spend way more time than you can handle in his presence. My husband, (2nd marriage) has less tolerance for my son in law than I and will beg out of some family events if he's see too much of him for his tolerance level. Just listen to yourself. Even though you will be avoiding him at times to recharge your tolerance level, that's not a bad thing so don't look at it that way. I already know from experience that there's no way to force an adult to get some professional guidance or even be tested for a social disorder because I tried, thats when I was younger. People who consciously refuse to admit they have a problem, will at least subconsciously realize there is a problem but they are too scared to find out. And their subconscious will cause them to point the finger at others as the blame or as having problems to get the attention off themselves. I got lots of that from a family member who was always trying to point blame at others when they had the problem. HOpe this helps you a bit.
17/f/South Africa
I am trying to save money for a Demi Lovato concert ticket. Unfortunately I can't do much jobs because im in my final year of school and working every weekend from morning to night will be to stressful and to busy for me and most jobs I will only make minimum wage and I'll never get enough in time for the concert. I've started tutoring my friend math once a week but that isn't much money. I am going to apply to do promotions because then I can choose when I want to do it and it won't be the entire day. What are other ways to make enough money that won't be to time taking?
My sister said I should go and make a poster and dress up on the streets, because people do it every year when it comes to this huge party that comes to our country and they stand by the traffic lights and get money but I could do it for the concert. What else is there? People won't really trust babysitting as I'm a teen and babysitters isn't really popular in my area and neither is dog walking/dog sitting and that won't be enough money. Thanks.
YOu already said no to babysitting and dog care which works for teens. Since you are in Africa, I don't know what the needs are around there other than the ones named. All I can think of then is asking any elderly in the area if they need help with something and would pay you a certain amount to do it. I know it's tough for elderly who no longer drive a car and maybe thats not even normal for your area, but they need to get groceries and you could offer services to go with them and help or if they know you well already and trust you, perhaps they'd send you with a list and money to shop for them. I don't know if there is anything like lawns in your area or gardens. But if someone needs help with that, perhaps that might work. Any kind of help you can offer someone who is too busy to do it themselves or the elderly would be a good idea. Then, besides tutoring, if you have any special talent, perhaps you can offer that for pay. One that may be fun if people there throw Birthday parties for children is to offer Mom's your help for the party. If you are good at handling kids, and like to do story telling or come up with acts for a puppet show and organize other games for the party, it would take a worry off the Mom because that is a lot of work for just one person to come up with ideas and run the games. This may be the best but you'd have to get the word out and advertise on ad boards around town leaving your name and number. If the parties have a theme like Princess, you can purchase a toy jewel ring, or the parent could, and make up a game of Princesses having to find their lost jewel which you have hidden somewhere in the yard or the room. If you need party game ideas, there should be plenty to find on the internet. Hope this helps you.
Semi-good news or just bad news territory, if I were to break the news to family?
I just had a recent job interview for a tutoring program. The interview was set up in two formats with the same recruiters. A traditional one-on-one session where they asked the questions and then I do a small presentation in front of them (if I were to work with students in a scenario). While the feedback that I got for my presentation is good, my interview portion was described as hesitant which caused me to not move forward in the process. The job hires every six months, so my current file is on hold with them if I were to apply again. And then just go straight to the interview process as oppose to starting from the very beginning again.
When a person is hesitant about answering questions they are asked, aside from an interview, most people will wonder and start to think that possibly the person is either
1. hiding something
2. not sure about what answer to give
3. doesn't know
4. has never really give a thought to the subject or scenerio asked in the question before.
I like gardening, so lets say I want to hire someone to pull weeds in my garden. So I ask if they know how to identify Dandelion, cleavers, buttercup, chickweed or Herb Robert in the Geranium family, a noxious weed in my area, I expect they can say yes to all of that. I want these weeds pulled before they have a chance to mature and spread by runners or seeds. If the person hesitates in answering and doesn't give me a characteristic of a couple of the weeds so I know what they are talking about, I may doubt they know. A person can answer yes real quickly even if they don't know. However the person who answer yes and then says, I know cleavers for sure, its that vining weed that is sticky with velcro like burrs that attach to pets and pants legs to spread itself, or chickweed looks so dainty but when mature, if you brush against it, it sends seeds springing in a circle at least a foot or over away. And that geranium type weed, I can't say I know the name of but its got tiny pink flowers but it mostly leaves and stinks real bad. When deciding which of the two to hire, I won't go with the one who simply answered yes, I will go with the person who told me more than just giving the answer to my question. That's what makes them stand out over the others.
So if you want to go for that job again, you need to jot down the questions they asked you and be able to tell them more than just or no but examples. Sometimes in doing so, my interviewer laughed and said, Well I don't have to ask the next question now which is for you to give me an example. You did well in the presentation part which means your mind was off the stiff questions answer part which is uncomfortable for many people in interviews and doing the presentation may have showed you know your stuff. But if someone answered better in the one on one than you, that is why you didnt get it, not because you dont know and arent as good or better than the one they hired. They really don't know you like your family or friends do so you have to give them a cram course of who you are in a one on one. They will be not only listening to your answering but subconsciously taking in body language and facial expressions. They may not even be aware that they are doing it. When my boss of a small company needed a new employess, he made sure all of us could hear and see the applicant. He then asked each of us, our impression of the person. I've never hired anyone, but when having to give him an answer of who stood out, it ended up, all 5 of us picked the same one of the applicants because of how confident they came across and friendly over others who seemed to have all the basic knowledge.
I recently found out that the friends of the guy I have a crush on are actually trying to set me up with and we're trying to the night we all went as a group but he was being shy I guess I was too. Now they are trying to set up another outing to bring us together. Does this means he likes me or just a coincidence? I mean they wouldn't go through this trouble if he didn't like me? Does it give me a better chance if his friends like me and want us to date?
I'll answer questions in order starting with the title:
Is this a coincidence or not--Since coincidence means that something or someones happen to occur or be in the same place at the same time without having planned it, that is what coincidence is. This wasn't left up to chance that both of you attended. Whoever planned the outing and invited you both did so because they wanted you to be part of the outing. If there were any motives to asking you both, especially if they've never done it before, then it starts to look like a plan to have you meet, otherwise the motive you think of may not even be true and you are just invited as mutual friends of the planner of the event.
Now they are trying to set up another outing to bring us together. Does this means he likes me or just a coincidence? ---No matter how many times your friends plan an outing and invite you both, it is not a coincidence. That is the wrong word if you want to know if they are planning this on purpose. As to it being a sign that the guy likes you, there is no way to tell. If the guy told your group of friends that he likes you, maybe then they are trying to help out. But if he's as shy as you say he is, that is info he may not have shared or ever dream of sharing even with other friends.
they wouldn't go through this trouble if he didn't like me, would they? --- Yes, they would. Two people don't have to be interested already in each other for friends to play matchmaker. For whatever reasons of their own, people who play matchmaker do so if they think they see any similarities in the two selected people. Right now, the only similarity you've mentioned is that both of you are shy. That is not enough to base a relationship off of, and you two may not have anything in common. But just the fact that you both are more shy, quiet, introverted means that there is a chance you may get along and that is enough to get friends to play matchmaker.
Does it give me a better chance if his friends like me and want us to date? ---I have heard of a mixed bag of results where match making friends were wrong and the two had nothing in common, didn't end up liking each other even if they tried to date, couldn't stand each other, were too scared to approach and never did, or did date and hit it off wonderfully. Everyone has different personalties. In a group of friends I hung out with for lunch every day in HS and again from where I worked, We all had a few things in common, but I had things in common with one member that I didn't with the others, and so on with the others. So just because you get along with the rest of the group, does not automatically mean that they like him also because you all are carbon copies of each other. There are differences, there will always be differences between people. Heck even my husband and I have differences, like taste in music and the type of humor we find funny but we have way more in common than we don't. So to press the example, if he wanted to take me to comedy movie based on his taste of humor, I probably would not go and he would invite a friend with the same taste, who will appreciate the movie.
NOw to give you some pointers on what you did not ask like "What can I do to increase my chances with this guy?" There is no way to increase your chances that don't involve you moving outside your comfort zone. As long as you are interested in meeting him, getting to know him and see if the two of you might actually like each other just beyond attraction to looks, then you have to face your fears. Well it could be fear and also a lack of confidence. I used to suffer social anxiety as a younger adult but now have quite the social butterfly. I can approach a person who seems shy and quiet and not likely to talk but speak first to them and they will respond with a smile and chat back. That is because a great majority of personalty type basics split into four groups, two of which take up the majority of population. ITs only that half are extroverts and half are introverts. The percentage of people who do not respond favorably and mumble and never smile and try to leave and avoid you are a very small percentage and those types would never go to a group outing, they tend to be loners. So all you have to do is say something first. Until you two are on a talking basis, you can not move on to any level closer to dating and being more than friends. Right now it sounds like you both are only acquaintances and not actual friends yet.
Think about what is holding you back from approaching him and talking to him. Anything in you, preconceived ideas, any fears, etc.... ANd if you don't know what to do to get around it, then let me know by going to my column to write to me from there. I can help if you have no idea how to start a converation with anyone and generally just jump into one already going. If you are not shy just with guys you like but its more like social anxiety with everyone, let me know because I can give you hints on what to do to overcome it as long as you push yourself to do the steps. NO hurry, just doing at your own pace. I overcame my shyness, anxiety in just about two months. It doesn't take long when you are sick and tired of being shy and want to do something about it.
By the way, you only said you found out but not how you found out that friends are trying to set you up. If its something passed on to you from one person in the group who says they are not involved but others are, you can't know for sure until you point blank ask the ones named. Same thing if you heard from some friends outside this group. Words passed on can't always be relied on as totally correct or true.
I'm not happy. I'm not sad. The point is, I have no emotion 98% of the time. It's rare to see me actually be happy and I truly miss being happy about everything.I feel like I'm not even human.I'm not insecure or anything but I just wanna be happy again. I've tried searching it up but I don't find anything relative to what I'm feeling.This has been going on for 1 year. I also feel like this is effecting my beliefs(Losing faith in God),my schoolwork, and my interactions with other people. I've had a good life and not any family problems or self confidence issues but I don't know what caused this. Thank you for reading this..
I'm no expert but my opinion is that it doesn't sound like Depression because of the fact you mentioned not feeling human. That makes it different. I can't say what it is exactly but a professional can tell you. I did a search on line putting in 'lack of emotions not feeling human' and of all the things that came up, each one was some kind of disorder that requires the person seeing a professional and requiring treatment.
One that comes close but may not be it, describes feeling like a stranger to yourself. You didn't exactly say that. Even a counselor told me when I asked if self diagnosing with mental health disorders is possible and they said No. Not even a professional can know after a first meeting that a patient is for certain one kind of disorder and the reason why is that there are so many overlapping same symptoms in so many of the disorders that one one or two traits makes them different. But for your curiousity, heres the one I felt comes closest and of course the articles say to go see a doctor.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-search-self/201107/do-you-feel-stranger-yourself
So I have had this ever since I can imagine and i never really paid any attention to it. I feel a strong urge to change things even if they don't need changing. Some examples would be my room- I move everything around like all of my furniture every week or so, my locker- I change it almost every day (stuff like how many binders I have or folders and papers I think I do or don't need) my backpack/ purses- the contents and different bags to organize things and there are probably a lot more I don't notice. Does anyone know what I'm talking about or have this? No one else I know does.
Just some background info: I am a 13 y/o girl who doesn't have control over basically anything in my life. (Parents take control over everything)
It is hard for some parents to transition from doing everything for you and making choices for you to allowing an older child to young teen to learn how to make some decisions for themselves within reason. You mention not having control over hardly anything. That could be the reason you are doing this now if it's been fairly recent like the last couple years. Anyone reading that comment of yours would connect those dots and figure its because the changes you execute daily or often are the only ones you can do.
However, you did say also that "I have had this ever since I can imagine" That is not very definitive on a time frame. It could mean in the last two years which may feel like forever to you or you may have had this for way longer. If you have had this as far back as you have memories of your life, say Kindergarten or earlier, either you may have a brain that thinks differently or it could be some kind of disorder.
Right now, the best thing I can tell you is that if this does not interfere with your ability to do all the things you need to do, like attend classes, do all your homework, do whatever household chores you are assigned, be able to make and keep friends, then I wouldn't worry about it. When any kind of real disorder begins to interfere with your quality of life or accomplishing other things, other than the changes, then its a problem that a counselor should at least hear about and let them decide if you need some help, or what kind of instructions on how to cope with this. Heres an example, lets say that changing your locker every day makes you late to certain classes, then its a problem. If re-arranging your bedroom on a weeknight doesn't leave you enough time to get all homework done, then its a problem. I am not saying if it happened only once. . . thats not a problem but if it happens several times or repeatedly. If your needing to change things so often costs you friendship where others don't want to be around you when they learn this about you, then its a problem.
As you know, none of us are doctors or counselors. But I have heard of a disorder called OCS, obsessive, compulsive disorder. It doesnt sound like that if this is all you do. However, once kids start going through puberty, if there are anything odd things in their genetics, this is a time when they usually tend to show themselves. So if any such disorder is starting, it may be just in these couple areas, but if it grows worse as time goes on and you become obsessive or compulsive about many different things, needing to have steps that you c ome up with in your mind, that need to be done in order or you don't feel you can move on to whatever is next, like dinner, your routine to get ready in the morning, etc... then it would be best to talk to the school nurse and describe your problems. Tell the parents too if it becomes out of control like that so these people can get you professional help. Right now, I don't think you have anything to worry about. Yes, you are acting differently than most people. But right now from what you've said, unless you left out a lot, it isn't a problem.