Hi Everyone!!
My name is Brenda, and I'm 34 years young. I've been happily married (to the most amazing man) for three years, and we have three children. My daughter is nine years old (my husband has adopted her), my stepdaughter is eight, and my stepson is six. I am currently a full time college student taking Business Administration specializing in Human Resource Management. I am also a volunteer with the Sexual Assault Victim Support Program with our Regional Health Authority.
My hope with this advice column is that I will be able to help people. I've been through alot in my life, and I decided that if I can help people in similar situations, then that could also help me heal, and move on. I won't go into great detail on here, but my motto has definitely become "what doesn't kill us, will only make us stronger".
I was raped when I was 16, and then continually by an abusive boyfriend when I was 19-20. He was an alcoholic and abusive sexually, physically, and emotionally. He unsuccessfully (thank God) tried to kill me.
I've been cheated on...been the cheater, I've gone through addiction, as well as losing my dad. I have clinical depression. I was a single mom for five years before I met my husband. I became extremely obese, and five years ago weighed close to 400 pounds. In January of 2000 I underwent gastric bypass surgery and have maintained a 200+ pound weight loss. I went through my childhood and adolescense being ridiculed for my appearance. I really want to help people with obesity issues.
Currently, my most stressing issues seem to be dealing with my husbands despicable ex-wife. It's hard to deal with someone whom you have absolutely no respect for as a parent, or as a person for that matter. I have many concerns about making a blended family work, so that everyone is happy.
PHEW!!!
Well....I hope I will have many visitors to my column and can help each and every one of you! Chances are..whatever it is you're going through, I've probably been there. I hope to talk to you soon.
Brenda
Website: Help Me, Brenda!
E-mail: helpmebrenda@inbox.com
Gender: Female
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Occupation: student
Age: 34
Member Since: April 9, 2006
Answers: 193
Last Update: October 5, 2006
Visitors: 21109
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I`ve been abused by my dad sense I was little. He hasnt done it as much but he has been doing it still. Last night he hit my really bad with his fists nd choked me. I love my family so much but it hurts me so bad that I get hurt and I feel like im not worth anything. What should I do? I dont like living here but I wouldnt like living anywhere else! what should i do? My dad has been reported to the department of human services but they never do anything. Im 15 by the way. Im just tired of being hit and left with bruises and the emotional pain!
what should i do? (link)
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Hi
That's child abuse sweetie...and it needs to stop.
You say the department of human services won't do anything? I bet if you walked in there, and showed them your bruises, and expressed your pain, they would do something.
What does your mom do through all of this? I'm sure she's aware...maybe she's being abused as well? Even if she is, that's still no excuse to let him abuse you. I just got thinking that maybe your parent's aren't together? Could you go and live with your mom?
Whatever you decide to do, just remember that your dad has NO RIGHT to lay his hands on you in anger or abuse. You have the power to stop him, and take your life into your own hands. You're not a helpless child.
There are people out there that can help you. If human services won't, then go to the police, a teacher, anybody that can help you.
Take care, and know that you deserve to be loved, not hurt!!
Brenda
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well im going out with this guy.
and i have been wanting to DATE him for about 2 years now. and now that i have him ;; im kinda bored b.c when i was wanting him. i always had somthing to do. and now that i have him i feel like there nothing else to want so what can i do now.
the relationship is amazing its just.. you know werid b.c i got everything i wanted and i feel like theres. nothing else to want. and now i dont know what i should do? (link)
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Hi
Here's a prime example of the chase being better than the catch!!! That's typical and normal.
If you want to keep this relationship, you are going to have to start plugging into it.
Do what you can to spice up the relationship (I'm not talking sex). I'm sure you guys have similar interests. Get out and do stuff.
If you continue thinking...ho hum, I have the guy, and now I'm bored...then you'll surely lose him.
You can still want him just as much now, as you did when the chase was on!
Good luck,
Brenda
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15/female
A couple months ago my doctor diagnosed me with depression and I started to see a councelor. I quit going after a couple times because she made me feel worse and I had a breakdown 2 times in one week because of her. I was fine for awhile, but now I'm feeling horrible again. I don't know why I'm feeling depressed and everynight I want to kill myself.
I can't take anti-depressants because they'll react with my medicine that I'm taking right now. Anyone know of ideas to get my mind out of this fix that it gets into? (link)
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Hi
Clinical depression is a life-long battle. It's not something that just goes away (life would be so much easier if it did!)
I've been fighting depression since the 8th grade..I am now 34 years old.
It's hard to find a counsellor that you feel comfortable with. Sometimes you literally have to "shop around" until you find someone that you click with. I've been through so many, I can't even count.
Counselling can be a difficult journey, due to all the emotional feelings that are within you. It hurts to get it all out, but it is very important to do so, in order to start healing, and deal with your depression.
About the meds...depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. This chemical imbalance needs the aid of medication. Is there any way that your doctor could switch your current meds so that they wouldn't react with anti-deppresants? I think you need to look into that.
Good luck, and take care.
Brenda
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ok well im preety good with working out and my weight has been the same for like 4 months but i eat just because i feel like it and i dont know what i can do to stop so i can loose weight if anyone has any ideas please help me. ill rate 5's (link)
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Hi
Sounds to me like you may be an emotional eater. I'm one too :)
Ideally we are only supposed to eat when we are hungry, but some of us tend to eat when we are happy, sad, angry, and bored..that's a big one (for me anyway).
I think the best thing you can do, is try to pinpoint when and why you are eating. If you are eating because you're bored, then go take a bath, phone a friend, go out for a walk...anything to pass the boredom, and the craving.
If you are eating because you are sad or depressed, then maybe you need another outlet. Sometimes people see food as comfort, and will eat to feel better. This only works for the moment, then you tend to feel guilty afterwards.
Try keeping a journal...this can help track your eating, your feelings, and anything else you want to write about.
Good luck,
Brenda
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hey guys well im one of the most paranoid people you would ever meet. well last night my boyfriend was over and we were just kind of "fooling around" you know nothing too bad.. well we both had our clothes off and i was laying on top of him and we were kissing. i didnt want things to end up going too far so i stopped.. well the thing is i know that before this he did cum but it was like 20-30 minutes before that.. but is there any chance that i could have gotten some of the sperm inside of me.. i heard that once the sperm hits the air it dies but is this true? please dont give me any rude answers
thanks! (link)
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Hi
I've answered a similar question...but I will give you the same advice.
My best friend in high school got pregnant without having sex! I know this is hard to believe, and although it is very uncommon, it is possible.
They were fooling around naked just like you did, and he came....without going inside. She still got pregnant.
Be careful!!!!
Brenda
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ive noticed from reading your column that you own your own body sugaring buisness.what exactly is body sugaring?it sounds like something i'd be interested in.
thanks! (link)
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Hi
Body sugaring is a form of hair removal, similar to waxing only much better....I will explain.
Wax is a chemical and has to be heated to a very high temperature in order to liquify, this can lead to burning of the skin. Wax has also been known to rip and tear the tender skin.
Body sugar is 100% natural...you can actually eat it. Body sugar needs to be warm (not hot), so it will never burn your skin, and it will also never rip or tear the skin.
The method used for hair removal is different with every body sugarer, but it has a great result, and is usually less painful (of course each client has a different pain tolerance) than waxing.
Body sugar can be used anywhere on the body...from eyebrows right down to the toes. It has proven to be a profitable little business for me, so I would encourage you to look into it further.
Good luck,
Brenda
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i am 15 my period stop d last time i saw it was jan.i only feel d pian .please tell me how to brng it back nd i dont av any cash to go to d doc (link)
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Hi
I'm not sure I exactly understood your question. I don't speak that language :)
You can't force your period to come. There could be a few medical reasons why it is not coming. Could you be pregnant? Are you overweight, or underweight? Sometimes, your weight can stop your period from coming. I'm not a doctor so I don't feel comfortable giving you a "diagnosis".
My suggestion is to go to a doctor. I know you said you don't have any money, but there has to be a free clinic somewhere. Talk to your parent's. I'm sure they would take you. Your health is very important.
Good luck, and take care.
Brenda
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Uhm, okey..don't get grossed out or anything. But I need help. I'm a female, and most females are expected to shave everything and have no hair. Well, I have hair. Lot's of it. I shave my legs and armpits, and mustach, and everything ofcourse..but lately I've noticed I have hair on my back and stomach and chest, and it grosses me out. And I can't wear the clothes I want to wear, and I can't stop crying about how insecure it makes me feel. So what do I do? I can't shave for obcious reasons, and if i tweeze or use an "epilator" I'll get ingrowns (or whatever they're called) right? Maybe you can get rid of ingrowns or something? Just help me please because I honestly FEAR summer-season now :'(
thank you. (link)
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Hi
Have you ever heard of body sugaring? It's similar to waxing only it's 100% natural, so your skin won't burn or tear.
I own my own body sugaring business, and I have a few teen girls with your problem. I would reccommend that you talk to your doctor first. Maybe there's something medical that he/she can help you with.
If not, then you should give body sugaring a try. It get's rid of the hair for weeks at a time, and doesn't leave ingrown hairs. It is a little bit painful, but according to my clients, totally worth it. You could always try it once and see if it's something you want to continue doing.
Good luck,
Brenda
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I used to have the biggest crush on this guy for about a year, and he knew about it, and we even danced at a school dance. He is a total shy and sensitive person, and I was the first person he ever danced with. But then, he asked my friend out, and they dated for about a week, until she broke it off (not because of me, but because she didn't really like him). I stopped liking him, and its been a year now, but I just discovered that I like him again. And it seems to me that he may like me too. If he ever does ask me out, what should I say? Thank you. (link)
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Hi
Sometimes "love" that is felt through the years can be very strong. If you've been friends with him the whole time, then you know each other fairly well.
If he asks you out, then you should definitely say yes. If he's really shy, you may need to drop a few hints to let him know that you are interested, and give him the impression that you would love to be his girlfriend.
Don't wait around too long for him to ask you. If he's someone that you can really see yourself with, you may have to do the asking. Girls can do this you know!!!! Girl power!
Good luck, and take care.
Brenda
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My problem is not depression. I have never been diagnosed with anything, and there is nothing "the matter" with me. My only problem is that I feel unhappy for 90% of my waking life. I am nearly 23 and I often feel ugly and unattractive, despite what boyfriends have said to the contrary. I feel that I will never have a decent partner, a loving man who i will be able to have children with. So far, all the men I have dated have just been out for what they can get. It is a side issue, but I wonder whether there are any MEN who get angry at the way a lot of men treat women. There must be some out there, I'm not saying all you guys are a**holes.
But I digress......
Basically, I just wonder if any of you out there have gone through or are going through the same thing. Share your thoughts. Thank you. (link)
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Hi
I have totally been where you are, and it's not fun!!
You say you're not depressed, but if you are unhappy 90% of the time, then what would you call it?
I hope I don't sound insenstive when I say this, because I don't mean to. I say this because this was me a few years back.
If you don't love yourself, then how do you expect anyone else to love you? If you let guys use you for whatever it is that they want, then they will continue to do so.
You need to start respecting yourself. Take a self-confidence course, see a therapist, anything that will give you a better outlook on life.
I know what it's like to hate the way you look. I was so down about myself at one point that I wouldn't leave my house...please don't get to that point.
It's ok to admit you need help...mental health is just as important as physical health, if not more.
Confidence is such a HUGE boost to ones character. People will see this within you, and you will instantly become more attractive.
As for finding a decent guy...that's up to you. Set your standards higher, and love yourself enough to want someone who will treat you with the respect that you deserve.
Good luck, and take care.
Brenda
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well i like this guy and i know he likes me back cause i can tell..and his friend told me! but he's really angry at me cause once i've been kinda mean whatever yeah and i really like to be friends again soooo when i tried to talk he didnt answer that much (he did but is was just weird all he said was uhu and yeah and stuff like that :-/) and in school he is just weird he looks at me but just weird cause everytime i'm in the same hall or classroom he walkes away cause he's mad! so what should i do now? i really wanna be friends and i love him soo much he'S the kinda guy i always wanted sooo what should i do to get him to not be so angry and just forgive me?? i already appologized but as i was saying he answered weird!
i'll rate
PLEASE HELP!!
(link)
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Hi
I think that you really hurt him, with whatever it was that you said or did. I know you apologized, but maybe he didn't take it as sincere, or wanted a better explanation for what you said/did.
If you want to save your friendship and possibly have a romance with him, then you need to sit down with him and have it out. Not in anger, but as friends do.
Until you find out exactly what is wrong, he's going to stay upset. Maybe there's something else bothering him that you are not aware of. You need to find out.
Good luck,
Brenda
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i cant stand my mom no more she has to no everything. she is ruining my life.i hate her so much. it has got so bad to were i live wit my gram. so how do i get her out of my life? (link)
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Hi
Oh to be a teenager again, and hate my mom. When I was younger my mom and I fought so much, that we both swore that when I turned 18, we would never see each other again.
I'm 34 now, and my mom and I are best friends. I treasure her so much, and couldn't imagine my life without her.
I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but I'm going to say it anyway.
Your mother has to know everything, because that's what a good parent does. She's not purposely trying to ruin your life, she loves you, and wants to keep you safe. She wants to be involved in your life because she cares about you, and is interested.
Would you rather she didn't give a s**t about you, and couldn't care less what you did or what kind of trouble you got yourself into? Think seriously about that before you answer.
I know it's hard for you to see now, but as you age, you will get it. When you grow up and have kids of your own, you will think..."that's why she did what she did"
There are alot of kids out there just like you, who have parent's who don't care, and trust me, they would love to have your mother. Try and cut her some slack. Maybe if you let her into your life more, she wouldn't pry as much.
Take care,
Brenda
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My fiancee and i was just recently engaged hes 26 im 24 he lives in cali and ive moved back home to nc he will be comin back in july hopefully....hes there cause his job is there. i did move out there then we started having a few problems and i got pregnant and sick and i moved back hom and was put in the hospital...so while he worked sumone could care for my lil gurl i was to sick to and he has no family out there..so i came home wat started the problems he had an account on yahoo personals gurls he had been talkin to and answering back it broke my hear to to see that i still think bout that alot im trying to deal with it but knowin hes there with out me and wat all happened before it makes me think that he would do it again i dont think he physically cheated on me...i keep askin my self if he loves me so much like he says then how could he do that just talk to another female in that way? i also got a cell phone with a friend that he hates just so i could talk to him thats why hes so mad at me when we first started dating now i dont he hated him cause he liked me and wouldnt leave me alone he feels like i went behind his back and lyed to him and thats not all i lyed to him bout that maybe im hidin sumthin else...he wants me to take a lie detector test i told him i love him and if that would make him happy then i would i also know that from my past that it had happened before and i took one with my ex and i couldnt live with the gulit of him not trustin me and him goin to the extent of my having to take one that i couldnt live with it i feel like he should have trusted me in everyway...now that i told my fiancee that now he really thinks i have sumthing to hide that im guilty of sumthin more i love this man with all my heart and soul i dont wanna loose him wat do i do ...i cant make any promises if he wants me to take one then i will just so he will be happy but i dont think i will be able to live with that trust is a big issue with me......please help a gurl dyin from the inside... (link)
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Hi
I am totally with you on the trust issue! It is one of the top three necessities in any relationship. The other two are love and respect.
Sounds to me like you've been through an awful lot. Your troublesome pregnancy, your health, and the day to day care of your little girl. You are going through all of this with little or no support from your fiance.
Then as if to add salt to your wounds he's accusing you of being unfaithful, and lying to him. I'm sure you are aware of this, but nine times out of ten, if one partner is accusing the other of cheating, it's because the accuser is actually the guilty party. I'm not saying this is happening, but I think it's something you need to consider and look into.
You stated that he is chatting with other girls online. This may not be "physical" cheating, but it is cheating to a degree. If he is sharing intimate, or sexual thoughts with someone else, then his mind is straying from you.
I know you said you love him with everything in you, but I think you need to ask yourself something. Do you really deserve to be treated this way? To me the answer is an astounding NO!! You've had a child with this man, and you are about to marry him. I think you need to do some soul searching, and figure out if this is the way you want to live your life. Always being questioned about your intents, when all the while it's his intents that aren't genuine.
You have a little girl now, who deserves and needs to be your everything. She needs to be loved with your heart and soul. Think about her in a family situation where her parent's aren't exactly getting along.
In my opinion you haven't done anything to warrant his suspicions, and he SHOULD trust you. You should stand up for yourself and refuse the lie detector...not because you're guilty, but because you deserve some respect. Maybe HE should be the one taking the test!!!
Good luck girl, take care of that baby, and yourself. Do what's right for the both of you.
Brenda
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I have crush on this really cute boy named Dan.I've heard rumors that he likes me.I want us to be together but I don't want to tell him that I like him.What should I do?Oh,and I'm 14 and I'm obviously a girl.I'm from Singapore. (link)
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Hi
I know you said that you don't want to tell him, but how is he going to know how you feel if you don't say anything?
You could let months go by without saying anything, only to have him turn around and find someone else. Don't let that happen!!
If you are too nervous to do it in person, you could write him a letter expressing your feelings and go from there.
Good luck, and take care.
Brenda
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I have two lovely cousin brothers but there are times when they ger overly critical of me,put me down sarcastically .....how do i deal with them,i don want 2 be rude but i cant take it no more either (link)
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Hi
Sounds to me like your cousins have a bully streak in them.
The best way to deal with people like that, is to IGNORE THEM!!!
I know that's hard to do when they are putting you down, but they do it to get a rise out of you and piss you off. Don't let them get to you.
Everytime you get angry with them, or cry, or whatever they're thinking to themselves "yes, we got her!" If you act like they don't exist at that moment, they are going to think "what the heck". If they can't make you angry, then they will likely stop doing it.
If that doesn't work, then I would try talking to them. Explain that you won't tolerate their behaviour anymore and see what happens.
I wish you the best, take care.
Brenda
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I'll try to keep this short but...
My friend had two of her ideas for a final project shot down and was very upset about it. The teacher said no to the ideas because they were too similar to things we had already done in class. (It's an art class.)
Now my friend is just working on a final project, without approval, and it's exactly like something we have already done! I don't know why she doesn't grasp this. (Worse then that, she is copying almost precisely what I did for that project.)
She is now very defensive about the whole thing, but time is running out and I feel like I just have to tell her that this is a problem. I'm worried our professor will fail her; I know I would if I were the professor.
So how can I explain this without crushing her? I can't believe she doesn't realize it, but I can't figure out why she is acting this way. (link)
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Hi
Life is full of lessons...some good and easy, some bad and hard.
To me, I think your friend is aware that the project is one that the professor will not like. Almost like she's doing it out of spite, because he shot her down.
I think it's something that you need to let her learn for herself. By all means, tell her what you're thinking, and express your concern, but in the end, it's up to her.
Everybody could use a friend like you :)
Brenda
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There is this girl at my school that knows my boyfriend somehow and i think she likes him. He deosn't even know her that well but whatevr. Anywho she said she is going to call my boyfriend and tell him I'm cheating on him. well the thing is i'm not and i would never do that to him bcuz i love him so much. Idk who he will belive tho!!! wut can i do to stop her. and if she does tell him how will i tell him that i didn't cheat on him? I'll rate!!!! (link)
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Hi
I think you need to have a chat with your boyfriend. Let him know what's going on. Find out what his take on the whole issue is.
As for the girl, I would totally ignore her. She is trying make you angry and jealous. Don't give her the satisfaction of letting it work. In reality she is jealous of you and what you have, and she is trying to wreck that for you. Don't let her!!
Why are you unsure who your boyfriend will believe? I mean really, that shouldn't even be an issue. If he loves you, and trusts you, and you've never given him any reason to be suspicious, then of course he will believe you. If he takes a practical strangers word over yours, then maybe you're with the wrong person.
I'm sure it will all work out....good luck!!
Brenda
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theres this boy jacob.i like him i cant stop thinking about him and im 13 girl and hes a boy so nothing like that i want to ask him out but i wnat him to know that im not kidding.nathile (1 of his friends)said that jacob asked him if he could ask me out for him and i didnt believe him.i dont think jacob even knows i like him.i liked him last year but that was nothing...
i wnat to tell him but should i write him a note or tell him on the bus??sorry its long ill rate (link)
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HI
I think you should defintely ask him!!
Life is too short to sit and wait for things to happen...you need to make them happen.
If you get the feeling that he likes you too, then it should be a good experience...once you get your nerves under control :)
Telling him in person, would be your best bet, but I know that can be very hard to do. You could write him a letter, and choose to be there when he reads it. Good luck.
Brenda
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Why do i feel like i need sex??? im 13/f and im 5'1 and 200 pounds. what is wrong with me?? (link)
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Hi
You're dealing with major hormones at your age. It's normal to have those feelings.
I'm wondering why you put your height and weight, and the thing I can come up with is that you have a low self-esteem about your appearance, and feel that having sex would make you feel loved...am I right?
I can tell you with 100% certainy that having sex with guys, just for the sake of having sex, will not make you feel loved. Actually the exact opposite will happen. You will feel used, and wonder why the guys don't want anything to do with you after.
Don't ever use sex as a way to be accepted and loved, it will backfire on you, and your self-esteem will sink down even further.
Take care,
Brenda
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A male friend of mine came over to my appartment today for a visit. We have so far never done anything sexual- yet. I partly feel because he is quite shy. Well lately I have been dropping subtle hints that I want to be intimate with him; but not saying outright that I want to sleep with him because I am shy too.
Well before he left he said that the next time he came over to visit me that we could have a barbeque; play cards; and FOOL AROUND! When he said it he also had a big grin on his face. I really don't think he would joke about something like that. Do you think this means that he wants to move our friendship to the next level? (link)
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Hi
I think he is dropping those same subtle hints that you are.
Someone needs to make the first move, and if you are both shy then that could be a problem.
You should just take a deep breath and go for it!!! Good luck.
Brenda
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