AskJR's

advice column

about

I'm psychic and a sociologist, and combined with the many different professions I've had, husbands, friends and family, and my share of bad neighbors too, gives me the knowledge and experience to cast new light on many old problems that we all face. Ask questions about anything you want and need answers to: Boyfriend or husband, school, sex, decorating, careers and career changes, family and friends, pets, diets and health and illnesses, finances, moving and relocating, divorce or marriage, and the nosey problem neighbor. -- Ask JR

advice

I'm on my period and my dance recital is tomorrow. I'm going to wear a tampon but sometimes I still leak even if I have one in.
I can't wear underwear since it sticks out under the costume when i'm dancing but I wear this nude colored leotard thing underneath. Do you think if I put a pad there it would fall out or something?

A good heavy flow tampon right before going on stage used with a mini light pad is all you need.

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15/m

i always see these questions about people making out and feeling each other up and such. . . .

my question is how would one go about this without seeming too aggressive or, even worse, looking like a sleazebag?

i'm just asking because i want something to make making out a little bit more interesting, and i've read all these things about "oh, you should feel her up while you make out," but i don't exactly know how to go about doing that . . .

i know it's kind of a weird question but i just don't want to seem like a jerk to my girlfriend. i mean, we love each other a lot and i don't want to jeopardize it. . . .

thanks in advance

Apparently you haven't had sex, and maybe not ready to take it to that level. At 15, I don't believe either are ready to and shouldn't, but I'm old-fashioned.

As far as making out and feeling up (I hate that expression-- it sounds slutty and immature).... don't disrespect her by doing it.

Kiss, feel her leg and thigh, caress her back and lower back, be romantic and gentle, allow the moment, the passion, the romance, to build.

Wait for her to make the first "feel" for a signal to move to her breasts or another area.

And not in public. It's not only disrespectful to onlookers, but to the both of you. Ever hear the expression, "get a room!"

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16/f

Today me and my boyfriend that have been together for the longest time had sex for the second time. The first time was weird. This time it was amazing, it didn't last that long, but long enough. It would have been better if it was longer. I know why it wasn't long i do not need an explanation on that. However i wanted him to go harder and faster because it felt amazing. He said after the sex that he didn't go so hard because it felt like the condom was going to fall off because it was so tight. Now do you think the condom would really come off for that reason? Any other advice would help as well. Thank you. :)

Yes, it can come off due to the size of both of you and the vacuum that occurs.

As mentioned by other advicenators, find a brand that feels more comfortable to him (and you) and fits better.

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Oh please help me my ear has been hurting for a week and each day it hurts more and right now every other section a rush of pain just goes through it. Its like next to my eardrum ,the pain. When i turn my head it feels like somethings stabbing it. Sometimes though, not all the time for example right now it doesn't feel like that. I am really paranoid and get paranoid what if its cancer is it cancer?!! What do I do i'm busy like all week I dont know when I can go to the docter and I'm like crying now because I'm so scared Help me. What do I do what is it whats wrong with me! Is it cancer is it something bad or is it just an infection i've never had one before I dont know what to do or expect. Help.

Cancer of the inner ear is EXTREMELY rare, almost nonexistant.

Stop worrying about that.

You either have an ear infection or foriegn object in your ear. Don't freak. Both are treatable and the sooner you get to the doctor, and get treatment, the sooner you're back to normal.

Antibiotics for an ear infection (maybe you have swimmers ear) can be cleared up easily and fast.

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My email for my myspace is hev7777777@advicenators.com and they sent my password to advicenators but I dont know how to find where they sent it so that I can sign onto my myspace! Please help me I need to talk to my sister that I havent talked to for ever now and need to find out how I am going to go to Indiana for summer but need to find where they sent my password to on here!!!!!!!

Where it says Welcome hev (or whatever your nick is here on Advicenators) it has "Inbox" under it on the left hand menu. That's your Advicenator email box.

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I seem sick everyday ..im tired all the time, i feel so messed up, I've never takin any drugs or drank,I eat healthy food, im just...

i have thought about killing myself, but thats just plain stupid, still laugh sometimes, main things is my pains hurt so bad, such as my stomach, almost feel the flu :|, but its not, i need advice, or distractions, or love: something, i just wish i could be better, but no matter what though i still fail, i probley sound stupid, but im so.. sad , then i ask, sad of what? depressed of what? wtf i don't know, i don't want attention, i pretend at school that im ok" but i don't lie.

Maybe its this girl i know? shes the only one who actuallys make's me feel happy, but i don't want to intrude on her, nor do i want her to feel sorry for me, i can survive the depression
but the stomach pains and headaches is what is killing me.
I hope my pains go away tomarrow, otherwise im in for it

my question is, depression? stess? being sad sometimes may be the cause of these awkward stomach pains?, i feel stupid for even saying this
maybe i need antidepression pills..? so i can be tipsy
16/ m /
Im gonna try real hard to pull myself together
cheers :(

Depression is painful. It can manifest in any physical form.

Stress can too.

The stomach and headaches are common targets for stress and depression.

You need to see a therapist or pyschatrist to get counseling and maybe antidepressants.

Being 16 is harder for them to prescribe antidepressants because it's a known fact that they can cause adverse behavior in teens than they do adults.

It's the hormonal difference and mental differences that cause the adverse behavior.

You need to get to the root of your depression and faster the better.

The quality of life at 16 should be the happiest time of your life at this point.

Get help.

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I am a 26 year old mom of 2 girls who has been dateing a 33 year old who has never been married and has no kids. He loves to play darts and is 3rd in the region. I want a family again and love him very much we do live together but the only problem is his bar buddy's always call him and want him to go down to the bar to "play" darts but then he comes home drunk.I don't know what to do especially when his friends say "ask your mom if you can come and play" He is so use to being a batchlor I don't think he knows how to handle it. How am I suppose to handle it?

You live together, but haven't said how long you've been together.

Living together, being a couple, means he needs to let go of his bachelor buddies and habits to accomodate his new life-- living with you and being a couple.

Tell him that you're unhappy with his bar hopping with his bachelor buddies at a moment's notice.

Tell him that, even though you're not married, you expect alittle more committed behavior to you.

Compromise. Tell him you don't mind him playing darts with his bachelor friends, but once a week, not at a moment's notice via phone call.

You have every right to be put first, not last as though you are his play toy when he's finished hanging with buddies.

And coming home drunk is not okay. One, he is driving drunk. Two, you have children and that is not cool or safe. Three, he could start to beat and hurt you one day.

Get a grip and get it now or kick him to the curb. He might not be committal material.

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I need to ask a guy out on a date [1st date ever!] and i need cute [but cheap, please] date ideas. NO movies / dinner / my house [ew]. The first 2 are cliche and the last one will sound sl*tty lol.

Thanks in advance =] i'm 14 years old btw and the guy is 16. so no things like "local coffee house" lol

also, FOR GUYS...what's your dream date? [WHAT, not WHO. and no sexual things please haha] & would you rather call it "hanging out" or a "date"?

haha i'm so wound up about this

First of all, don't call it a date.

If there's no preplanned arrangement to go out to eat or to a movie, etc. it is not an official date.

So, now you need to figure out what and where you want to go and hang, to ask him that..."You wanna go ___________?"

Do you have a park? Miniture golf? A mall to hang out in music stores and electronic departments? Then maybe a bite in the food area?

If you can't afford a "date" don't call it a "date"...call it hanging out and going __________.

Fill in the blanks.

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How long after sex should I start seeing signs of pregnancy? And what are the first signs?? Thanks

The time is varied with all girls. If you get pregnant near a period that's due (which is usually the case due to ovulation) you might have that period, or just be spotty and light.

Usually within a 7-10 days you will start feeling signs of some kind. But it could take as long as 14 days to have a sign.


Signs:

The first is a missed or spotted period.

Sore and tender breasts.

Frequent urination. More than your normal.

Sick to your stomach in the mornings (or maybe evenings as some are one or the other with moring sickness)

Cravings for a certain food.

Nausea at the sight of certain foods or smells.

Jeans getting tighter.

Weight gain or weight loss.


Stomach pooching out alittle.

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i have an amazing boyfriend, he does everything you could emagine a wonderful boyfriend doing. we've been together 5 and a half months now. i used to be so happy with everything, but he's 3 years older than me. i'm only 15 and everything is so serious now. he also get VERY jealous, and i'm not allowed to talk to other guy, text any other guys or anything, i barely even get to hang out with my friends. i really love my boyfriend but i keep thinking do i really want to be so serious, i'm only 15 i need freedom.

i need some advice on what to do here?

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but dump him and RUN.

He is a control freak. Control freaks never let go and only become more controlling as time moves forward.

He is an insecure boy inside and needs to control girls to hang onto them in fear of loosing them, and to make himself seem and feel more secure.

Next step will be beatings. Brain washing making you feel you did something wrong, and even deserve the beatings.

That's how it progresses as he ages.

Run and run now. Or at very minimum now- tell him exactly what you said here and then, if he changes, good, if not-- run.

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normally i fall asleep with my ipod on because i fall asleep easier but sometimes when im more tired i dont use it. when i have my ipod on i dont have any dreams except for maybe one a month but when i dont use my ipod to fall asleep i'll have about 3 to 5 dreams a night. i know that we all have dreams every night and that we only remember some but why is it that when im not using my ipod i "remember" a lot more dreams?

You are right that we dream all night long never ceasing to dream, but the only dreams we remember are the ones immediately BEFORE waking.

You are dreaming and when not using the iPod you are waking and remembering.

When wearing and listening to the iPod, you are not waking and the music is replacing the dream info in your brain. Thus, you have had it literally erased and can't remember.

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My cousin is getting married this weekend. It's not a religious wedding. There is no official dress code, but the bride said to my sister that we should wear anything that makes us feel gorgeous and we can dance in.

I am wearing a navy dress that I think is dressy without being the kind of thing that you would only wear to a wedding (I might wear it to a very nice restrurant or a grown-up party). My younger sister (19) is worried about what she should wear. I was going to lend her a dress of mine in a similar style to the one I'm wearing, but it's black. Is this inappropriate for a wedding that doesn't have a dress code, but isn't totally casual? The only other dresses I could lend her are really formal, and I would be worried she'd be overdressed.

Thanks in advance.

No and neither is the navy blue dress.

Formal, unformal and being casual, open dress code, no matter what...it is spring and spring colors should be worn.

Not winter colors or dark colors, and black is reserved for the little black evening dress out on the town, and FUNERALS!

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if i run everyday will i lose like not weight, cos ik im gaining muscle, but like would my legs get slimmer?

&my stomach and upper arm would lose the fat too.

pleas tell me cos i dnt wanna do something thats not gonna show results.

Running everyday burns off calories. It will then burn off fat. Once excess fat is burned, it starts to burn muscle in the legs. Burning the muscle builds up the muscle. So your legs will become more defined and muscular.

Look at runner's and dancer's legs.

Arms should be bent at the elbow, hands in fist in front of you and rotated in a swing action as you walk or run, which will exercise arms but not build them up as noticeably as legs.

Running everyday will not hurt or harm you in anyway (unless you twist an ankle!)....

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when i have sex it doesn't feel good, like my boyfriend and i have been together almost 6 months and decided to do it. but when he asks if i like it or it feels good i lie because i don't want him to think it's his fault.

is there somthing wrong with me?
what should i do about it?

There's a not feel good because of pain and discomfort, and not feel good because of lack of lubrication or not feel good because of movements.

Which is it? Or is it a combination of those?

If you are very young, it could be partially an emotional not feel good. Sex is over rated and built up as an all time big thing and fantastic...and when you first begin experiencing sex it's like "that's it?" and "what's the big deal about sex?" attitude.

Inexperience.

I don't condone sex with teens, but you need to be adequately lubricated to have a smoother and easier action.

Tell him. Don't wait for him to ask and do not "fake it" because faking it only solidifies his thoughts that he's doing good and satisfying you too. How can he correct anything if he thinks there's nothing to correct?

Be candid and talk and experiment until it does feel good. Then it can only improve for the two of you mutually.

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ok, so, my bf dumped me cause he seriously cares more bout my ex-best friend's feeling than mine...He left me like 3 or 4 harsh, hurtful voice messages sayin dat he dnt luv me anymre n dat he luv sum1 else. that he;s tired of me n it jus hurts hearin sum1 you luv tell you those harsh words. I dont know wat to do, i sumtimes think bout suicide then think dat hes not worth it to loose my life. Then i think bout jus starving myself.... i jus dnt kno wat to do....HELP!!!!

Grow up-- learn to spell-- learn to write and speak-- and have some darned pride.

Are you ten years old?

Suicide? Get real. No one is worth your life and happiness and future. No one.

Drop it, kick it all to the curb, and move on.

There's more fish in the sea, and sounds like he is a real jerk anyway to treat you that way.

The best way to deal with a jerk that talked to you that way is to GET EVEN...see a new boy and IGNORE the jerk from now on.

Be happy-- that's true revenge.

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In December I was best friends with this guy. We're both 16, I'm a girl. Well we were really good friends, hung out everyday even if for 5 minutes, and called eachother everyday etc. He told me in January he liked me but decided he just wanted to be friends. Then he stopped talking to me. I was confused and hurt, after being with him everyday and talking to him, not talking/seeing to him at all was a total shock. Eventually I talked to him about it, and he said he still wanted to be friends/have a friendship. To me, it didn't seem like he was trying, and it still doesn't right now. I tell him exactly, directly, up front what I expect of him, which isn't much, and he never follows through. He calls maybe once every week, and only to ask if he's missed the bus. We hang out once a week, sometimes not at all. I guess I just really miss our old friendship and we've talked about it numerous times, I promise. And it seems while we're talking that he gets it, and the next day usually everything's so much better. But then he starts with his old habits again, and I don't know what to do! I guess I'm just asking did he give up trying to be my friend because he doesn't like me anymore? That's what it seems like to me, but I really need some thoughts here. It's been awhile since January, and I'm still confused why he seems to not be making an effort at this friendship. I'm really hurt, and just need help please.

If you have to "work" at a friendship, then it's NOT a friendship at all.

Friends, lovers, any good relationship of any kind should not be forced to work at it.

It should come naturally and mutually.

Sounds like he feels smothered by you and only wants to be friends but you are pushing for more so he's abandoned the entire relationship to avoid it all.

Give it up. Let it go.

If he initiates contact, okay. If it was meant to
be, it will. If it wasn't-- it won't.

Stop forcing the issue, it's a lost cause.

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how do you get sand out of childrens swimsuits?

Wash them in the washing machine?

No.

Sand does NOT dissolve because of it's molecules.

Otherwise we'd have no beaches because the tides would dissolve them!



Try putting the suits in the dryer to loosen the sand from the fabric. Repeat as often as necessary.

(be sure to use a wet cloth to wipe out the dryer's tumbler inside and clean the lint filter when finished)

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Ok Im 13/f. I am not sure about something and it is bugging me alot. I have liked a guy for over 6 months and we used to flirt alot and stuff but now he likes my bff and she likes him and they are going to grad together and I have slowly gotten over him completly. Sometimes I think I still like him though. Theres another guy (lets call him Jasen) that I think I like. We didnt really know eachother until this year but he is a really great guy. He is very nice and sweet and he is very trustworthy. I think I am beginning to like him. He stands up for me when people are racists and hes just a phone call away whenever I fight with my parents or are really upset. He is alot of fun and he has helped me in many ways. There is one problem. He is not a virgin. In my school people do not to anything intimate with eachother so people look down on him as a terrible person. It also makes me somewhat scared of him. I dont know what to do and if I should like him. Any ideas?

You continue to use "I think I like him" and then end your post with the question "if I should like him".........

Sounds to me like the chemistry and attraction IS NOT there naturally, not love at first sight, no pitter-patter heart beats...

So he's a great and good, maybe soon, best friend (best male friend) and not the boyfriend material.

Stop fretting and obsessing over that aspect of your relationship with him and let it be what it is naturally and it could "evolve."

Why be scared of him? Because he's had sex? Most boys have. No big deal. Let it go, it's normal and natural for boys.

That DOES NOT make him or anyone else a "terrible person!"

If you like him, and he's as great as you claim he is, and a good person and stands up for you-- then stand up for him when people talk him down.

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I auditioned for my school musical and got really sick after the audition. I had to stay home all week, but my friend Justin absolutely promised that he would email me the cast list as soon as it came out, regardless of whether I got the role or not.

While I was sick, my drama teacher emailed the cast list to me and I had not gotten the part I wanted. During the whole two weeks I was out of school, Will did not follow through with his promise and email the cast list like he promised. (and I know that he was in school because he got one of the lead roles in the musical and I know he didn't get sick).

I'm not sure how to feel about this. Should I be touched because Justin cares about me and he probably didn't send me the cast list because he didn't wan't me to be hurt, or should I be upset because he broke his promise? At the moment, I'm feeling really hurt because he didn't follow through.

Why are you asking here and not Justin directly?

How is anyone else gonna get inside Justin's head to know his intent?

It's 50/50....flip a coin...heads or tails...who knows?

Ask him and get the answer.

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I've been breaking out a lot in the last couple months, especially in the chin/jaw area. I have a few pretty annoying pimples. Unfortunately, I've tended to pick at them since I'm so stressed out...it's sort of a habit like biting nails. But now, it looks like after some of the pimples have healed, or after I picked at the scabs, there are scars (minor) that are more of hyperpigmentation,..i read that it can take 12 months to completely fade :(
But if anyone knows: is there anything I can use or do to get rid of acne scars faster? They aren't deep scars, but hyperpigmentation...spots all over my jawline. It's really annoying.

There's products you can buy at any pharmacy. Ask the pharmacy where the scar creams are and try one.

STOP picking them as you are scarring yourself for life.

See a dermatologist for acne treatment NOW. There's pills and facial creams and cleaning routines that can nip this before it gets worse and scars you like the actor James Wood.

Get a grip of the nervous pickings-- it's like stopping the habit of biting nails. It takes self-control and awareness.

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