Occupation:author, editor, freelance writer and advice columnist
Member Since:April 11, 2007
Last Update:January 11, 2008
I'm psychic and a sociologist, and combined with the many different professions I've had, husbands, friends and family, and my share of bad neighbors too, gives me the knowledge and experience to cast new light on many old problems that we all face. Ask questions about anything you want and need answers to: Boyfriend or husband, school, sex, decorating, careers and career changes, family and friends, pets, diets and health and illnesses, finances, moving and relocating, divorce or marriage, and the nosey problem neighbor. -- Ask JR
i get really mad at my mom sometimes. like today, my friend came over since she had to borrow a cup of baking soda since they were baking cookies. they're more of family friends, so we visit each other alot. she invited me to come over there too, and i got all ready and stuff. i cleaned my room, took a shower, and i've been doing lots of things like helping with my baby brother, and stuff like that. and then i asked my mom if i could go to their house after doing all that and she said NO! im freaking 13 years old in a nice suburban neighborhood where nothing bad like ever happens. its daytime and people are outside like mowing their lawns, walking with dogs, riding their bikes, normal stuff like that. and my mom still says NO! alot of times when i wanna go over she says no and i ask why and she never tells me why! shes sleeping right now since she works at night. before she asked like what if something bad happened to me.. what the heck? ive been allowed to go all around my neighborhood since i was like 8 years old, but it feels like now that im 13, she has to be more protective over me? what the heck? i tried everything and she was really mad at me when i kept asking her to go. i hate this she never explains why! also for sleepovers its the same. she thinks "something will happen to me". i mean im not retarded, something could, but i dont want to waste my whole childhood without going to one of my friend's sleepovers (she doesnt want one at our house either, cause she doesnt want responsibility over other peoples kids.. i mean its not like we're gonna go burn the house down!) but shes like "no, cuz its her african custom". my dad says the same too. its soo retarded. i mean we can only sleep over at family's houses so thats not really like a sleepover im thinking of. anyway, on the subject how can i get her to trust me more? im a smart girl and my friend lives near, in my neighborhood, like 3 minutes away from my house by foot, about. and i really wanted to help them make the cookies.. geeeez. lots of kids my age visit their friends all the time but my mom just wants to confine us in our house alot!! i hate that. i barely ever get to visit my friends or go out with them to places like the movies, bowling, the mall, etc. UGHHH i cant even go on vacations on them, or to theme parks with them and their family! i mean family is good too but im just really really pissed right now cause im freaking bored.
You mentioned it was her "African custom" and I'm not familiar with the custom or why, but....
....You need a sit-down with both your mom and dad and have a serious discussion.
Tell them you need to speak to them both (that'll get their attention!)...
...Explain to them that you are a good girl, good daughter, (hopefully with good grades, etc.) and 13 now, not 7.
...Explain that you've taken on more responsibilities at home with chores and siblings, therefore, you want more rewards and freedoms...
...Explain that you have a couple of close friends (hopefully they know them well enough) and would appreciate and enjoy spending the night at her house and visa-versus, occassionally. Tell them they are more than welcomed to call her parents and talk to them, ensuring it is legitimate and have their permission, and that her parents will be home the entire time to supervise you. And that while you and your friend want to bake cookies, there are teens out there in the world that are running around without supervision doing drugs, etc. and all you want is to bake cookies, watch a movie, play video games, etc. with your friend while her mom is home supervising you both!
...Offer a "check-in" time to either call home periodically, or have your friend's mom to call your mom to update her that you are there and she is still supervising you.
...Ask them what they want and expect for you to be able to do this, that makes them feel secure with it. Then arrange that.
Take baby steps first, accepting what little they allow, prove yourself and giving them time to realize it's okay, then later, ask for another "deal" since you've proved your trustworthiness to them.
(Also tell your friend's mom about how your parents feel and their conditions to the sleep-over so she can abide by the rules for you.)
In negotiating the new deal with your parents, be sure to make them understand that you don't expect this to be given freely, but you want to earn the priveledge(s). Passify them, humble yourself, and above all-- don't whine, threatened, stomp around demanding and DO NOT compare yourself with everyone else and them with everyone elses' parents. That'll piss them off.
Remain calm and humble, but reasonable with your negotiations.
15/f (16 in a week, Grade Ten)
So, I'm getting older and I want more freedom. In the past I've always just lied to my parents if I wanted to go out late, but I want them to know where I am. I am responsible, I get straight A's in school and I 'never get in trouble' - or so they think.
I have never in my life asked if I'm allowed to go to parties or drink, and I'm too afraid to ask.
Should I just wait out the rest of being young, and wait until I move out to party and have fun? Why might I be so worried about asking my parents if I'm allowed to go out, anyways?
I know I'm responsible enough to handle myself (and I have on several occasions), but they still are my parents and I don't want them to worry about me. Please help, any advice is appreciated. Thanks! =)
You sound torn between being a party girl with friends maybe because of peer pressure and wanting to fit in, BUT, love and respect your parents and concerned about them.
Go with the loving and respecting your parents with justified concern.
You are a better daughter than most and I hope they realize and appreciate you.
Since you said you make excellent grades and haven't been in trouble, you are in an excellent "bartering" position to barter with your parents.
You are too young at 15 to be out too late and to drink alcohol because of the severe consequences of drinking, i.e. getting drunk and doing something stupid, etc.
So forget the alcohol to avoid any trouble and risk blowing your chance for more freedom. Once you get caught drinking and getting into trouble, your freedom will be taken away entirely.
Talk with your parents as a family, maybe at the dinner table over supper one night, and tell them since you make straight A's and don't get into trouble, (name all your good points) and are now 15, you'd like a little more freedom to stay out later extending your curfew, go to friend's parties, and have the opportunity to do more things.
I'm sure they will compromise with you for more freedom.
Even if they don't extend your curfew as long as you'd really like, compromise on it. Let's say your curfew now is 11pm. You want it to be 2am on a weekend, but they feel that's too late. Then compromise on 1am. That's 2 hours more than you originally had.
If they haven't allowed you to go to parties, then ask. You might not get to go to all of them, but going to more than you have been allowed is more than you had to begin with.
Do not talk to them about drinking as no parent will condone under age drinking. And do not drink at these parties. If you feel out of place by not drinking like other friends, then drink an iced drink from a cup/glass where no one will know it's a soda and not alcohol. You don't have to have a beer can or beer bottle in your hand to be hip.
Take the compromises your parents give, obey the rules and curfews, stay out of trouble and as time passes proving yourself to them, they will soon extend the curfew to a later time and allow you more parties, more freedom and more dating.
Don't screw it up or you can loose it all.
my sister is 8 and reall annoying!
she is always over my shoulder reading everything on the internet that comes up.
as a matter of fact, she is reading this right now.
she is also always stuck up my ass when i have friends over and im am deff. 7 years older then her.
tell me what to do , please.
It's typical for a younger sibling to follow an older one around because she admires you and looks up to you. Apparently you haven't any other brothers or sisters, so usually just two are like that.
First, you need to talk to your parents about this and recruit their help with it because you need your privacy and she doesn't need to be privy to you and your friends conversations either. Your parents will understand that, as a 15 year old and friends is not what a 7 year old should be a part of constantly.
Another thing, after recruiting your parents help, is to spend some amount of quality time with your little sister at least a couple of times a week or a few hours a week.
And, as you do, explain you will play with her and after, you want to be alone or visit with your friends alone.
This is a barter for her to get your attention in exchange for your privacy time.
im 16/f and i really wanna get my lip pierced but my mum thinks it looks awful. What can i do to convince her??
and i havent told her whether i want the bottom or top done yet coz i cant decide!
Is it legal where you live to get piercings at age 16? Do you need your mom's permission to get a piercing?
There are temporary piercing rings, (no bar-bells) the clip-on ring type for lips and nose that you could try out and see if your mom can and will get used to it, if not accept it and okay the real piercing.
Google body piercing jewelry and you'll come up with sites to look and search for the temp rings.
But, if you really want your lip pierced, bar-bell style, permanently, and you can without your mom's permission, then do what makes YOU happy.
As far as making up your mind on which side: most right-handed people are comfortable with left piercings. Left-handed people are more comfortable with right piercings. Bottom is more comfortable in kissing situations, BTW.
I saw a question about how to get guys to notice a girl at lets say a mall(asked by a girl), and i was wondering how to get girls to notice me in a public place. say like a mall for instance. and if i feel that i should approach a girl, what is a good way to get into a conversation and not make a fool of myself ?
im 16/m by the way(17 in june)
When you see a girl you are interested in (or want to be) smile at her and give her a warm, sincere look to let her know you think she's cute, etc. Maybe she'll smile back and then maybe you could ask her if she'd like a coke at the mall eating area after introducing yourself of course.
Strike up a conversation- what grade is she in- what school- whatever pops in your head. Be yourself.
turned 13 recently. my mom and i do not get along at all anymore. she hates my friends music clothes me and just how i act. my friends are all i love not my family not my mom not my cousins nothing and nobody else. so my mom makes fun of my friends and says everything she thinks is wrong with them and how they dress and all about them. then i try to get her to stop she talks over me so i cant say anything then i yell then she yells then im grounded. then she says 'o i dont care what you do do whatever you want' then i do then a little while later she get even madder about it. everything i wear that is red purple black brown she gets mad and yells till i change. my jewelry she tells me to take it off then the next day after school its gone she takes my stuff. she tells me to burn things that I like and I wear. im screaming and crying more than ever. but when im around my friends im fine. their gothic their parents let them wear what they want. i cant even get the side bangs. my friend had them and died her hair redish brown it even mainly looks brown its not bad at all. her parents let her. shes having confirmation soon even. i told my mom then she starts saying thats stupid her parents are wrong for letting her do that thats just sick. WTF! why does it matter! now its to the point i have to hide my music i add songs i hate in a folder like glamorous and stuff like that then a folder for the music i like like evanescence and the used and stuff like that and i erased the names on all of them their just numbered. last time she heard it she freaked out yelling at me. then i hide my jewelry in a locked box saying pictures and when id go somewhere i would put some in my purse then wear it on later. my friends say me cry for the first time yesterday. they know about my mom so they came over wearing preppy junk and tried acting different for me so my mom would leave me and them alone. my mom said clothes doesnt make a person. so they said ya so why does it matter its just clothes. my mom said but MY clothes do matter. so all the yelling in my life is for nothing because clothes dont matter. but its who i am its what i like its my body not hers. gothic is another stereotype just like preppy is. my brother is preppy so he gets all he wants. my mom is trying to change me she wants me to dress like a slut all the clothes she gets for me. my Best friend is a guy which can never ever comeover hes even a prep. everyone makes fun of me family cousins strangers and people at school. i can cut my hair it wouldnt help i could cut my wrists just might again deep id be quicker. but im guessing my moms rule is NO friends fun or freedom. ive been going trough this for about 2 years she will not budge i will not either. i will never give up. i tell her all this like one thing everyday till im sent to my room then refuse then get grounded. if she yells ill yell i even told her that. i act calm she yells then i do. i say how prep and goth are both just stereotypes how their just names and how she gives him everything because its a different name. i go through too much for anyone to go through. i only act tough because id be dead 2 years ago if i didnt. i cant get a therepist or even talk to my mom or write what else is there to do before i die and shell never even care. there is no way of ''kindly'' doing anything to her she just wont let me.
13 is a hard age to deal with life and it's crap.
You can't win in this situation because she is the boss.
Do you have a father in the picture? Married and living at home? Divorced and living elsewhere?
I suggest talking to your dad first. Explain what is happening and how you feel and that you're at your wit's end.
Maybe he can help, maybe you can go live with him instead of living with your difficult mom.
This is something I'd have to know in order to help you further.
Otherwise sweetie, you will need to follow her rules under her roof.
Try asking her to sit down and talk with rules. the rules are: 1) listen to the one talking without interupting 2) no yelling, no screaming, no raising your voices 3) both have paper and pen to take notes so not to interupt one another and jot down things to touch base on 4) respect each other as you would want the respect of anyone else
Then, talk. Do not put your mom on the defensive by using words like "you" and "you always..." instead use words like "I feel" and "this makes me feel like..." and "sometimes I get confused because..."
Let her know that you want to make her proud and get her approval, but you want to be 13 also and be like your friends. Let her know that you understand that when she was your age and young, there were fads then too, (I don't know her age but...) maybe the hippie days with free-love and smoking pot and peace and all that junk with bell-bottomed jeans, etc.
Let her know that your clothing isn't any different than hers and just a attitude statement like hers was. That later, when you're 15, you'll be in a different fashion fad than now and it'll pass soon enough but you like it now. Your friends like it and you want to belong and fit in now just like she did at your age.
Ask her want she really wants and expects from you? Do you make good grades now and okay in school-- no trouble? Then mention that. Mention your aspirations of college if you have any, and what you want to be when you graduate. Ask her for her support and encouragement in those aspirations and if you stay on target and on goal, is it okay to where goth clothes or whatever as long as you achieve the goals you've set for yourself.
Ask her if she expects you to help her more around the house if she works and is overloaded...then do it, show her you care and appreciate what all she does and sacrifices for you and show your support of her.
Ask for a truce. A truce in arguing and yelling. A truce in the difference of opinions, and power plays.
Ask for respect. Ask her to treat you like she wants you to treat her. Then both adhere to that.
Give it a shot. You have nothing to loose sweetie.
This might be long....but anyway: My parents moved into a house this past summer--a bigger house, that NO BODY but my mom wanted to move into. Okay, so she got her way. That's fine.
Now, a new house needs new things, according to her logic. It seems like almost every time I visit there is new STUFF just piling up; new furniture, new accessories. And it doesn't stop at the house. Ever since I was a kid, she'd buy me new clothes even when I didn't ask. Many of you would think that's gerat, and that I shouldn't complain. But really, I don't NEED the clothes, and I know it's just a manifestation of her shopping addiction. She doesn't splurge millions like a movie star, but I'm still starting to get concerned. It seems like almost every time I see her, she's just bought new things. I don't know if I'm in the minority that doesn't care too much for shopping...but really, how can I bring it to her attention that her behavior is actually destructive? And at the very least, how can i let her know that i really don't want her to buy me new clothes all the time?
Is there a dad in the picture?
If so, talk to him about your feelings and concerns about your mom.
Shopping addiction is a illness and used as a substitute for lacking control of one's own life and some kind of unfulfilled emptiness. It's a momnetary fix.
Talk to your dad whether they are married now or not. The both of you can help get control of this together with team effort.
If not a dad, then sit and talk to your mother and tell her not to buy you anything that you will refuse to accept it from now on and leave it at her house and do not take it! Simple.
Tell your mom that you feel she is substituting shopping for another problem and ask her what is bothering her. Maybe talking will bring it to the surface, maybe talking will help her acknowledge her problem, and maybe lead to seeing a therapist.
Hey, she's your mom and there's nothing to loose and everything to gain...
Okay, I am a 29 yr. old mom of a 10 year old daughter. Today I was freaked out when I walked in on her in the bathroom and realized she must have started puberty a long time ago. No period or anything yet but the hair is there. OH MY GOD!! I think this is way too soon, I was 13! I'm so not prepared, I love her and want to talk to her about this maturely, but maturely...shes 10!!!!!!!!My mother never talked to me about these things, when i was 13 I had a ruptured appendix and started my period soon after the surgery, I thought it was from the surgery i was clueless!LOL some advice please?? Thanks
Apparently your daughter is more comfortable with her pubic hair that you are.
Kids learn more about sex and their bodies at an earlier age than you and your generation did.
Since she has hair now, her menustral cycle shall follow shortly.
Some girls develop nipples at nine, needing a training bra to conceal them through their blouses.
Some girls have periods before breasts, before public hair.
It's all genetics. And she might not be gentically following you but your mother or even paternal side of family.
Try to talk to her about what you've noticed asking her how SHE feels about it--this is not about you, but about her and how she feels, i.e. embarased, ashamed, proud, indifferent, etc.
Use the pubic hair to open the door to the topic of sex and menstrual cycles and what to expect
and to find out the accuracy of what she knows.
The worse thing you want is for her to have misconceptions and misinformation of sexuality and pregnancy and the entire subject.
my sister is 17 almost 18
we used to be really close and never fought but now its not like that since im growing up we always get into fights and barely talk. we never had those awkward talks so please dont tell me to have one with her haha
ok so lately shes been telling me that im changing that i always have an attitude or that i shouldnt have a boyfriend because im too young or that i changed alot. its getting really annoying what should i tell her so she would just leave me alone and let me grow up.
She can say you are "changing" all day long and you are, but she is too. You both are chaging.
Relationships grow and evolve through changing throughout the years and you and your sister are in a hard one. Relationships are hard-- but siblings are really hard.
She is being the "big" sister to you, her "little" sister, and does not want you to make the same mistakes she did, and save you the grief and heartache from it. But she can't.
You will have to learn just as she did. The hard way.
But you do have the advantage here. She HAS been there and done that--so heed what she says. Everytime a situation comes up remember what she said and ask yourself, "should I or shouldn't I?"
It will be awkward for another year or so because she sees you as her baby sister trying to grow up too fast, and you see her as the older and controlling sister. Do you want her to say, "I told you so?"
At 15 dearie, you DO have an attitude. There's no doubt about it. It's that rebellance attitude that you know it all, and you do not. Loose it around your sister. You get more with honey than you do with vinegar.
If she talks about you being too young for a boyfriend it's because she's worried that he will take advantage of you. She loves and wants to protect you.
But kindly and nicely remind her that she had boyfriend when she was your age, so why can't you? Give her the information but with a valid question for her to answer. That;s respect.
Start by giving her respect when talking to her in order to head off arguments, and don't put her on the defensive, but rather give her the opportunity to share her "wisdom" with you freely.
Telling her to leave you alone and let you grow up is the worse possible thing to say to an older sister that wants to protect you.
No matter how you've your mind made up on something, try this: ask her opinion of it, let her have that dignity and respect, let her alone and lecture if she does, mull it over, add it to your equation, and make up your own mind. Just play the part of the inquiring advice sister, and peace will come.
ok so i live with my dad aunt and grandme my dad is sick and my grandma is to old to raise us so my aunt does well me and my aunt like practically hate eech other!! like im the middle child and my brother and sis are constantly getting in truoble and my aunt doesnt get on to them but if i was todo that stuff my but would be torn to pieces(not abused or ne thing like that ) but it seems she always expects more out of me thatn them!! well i told her about it and she was just liike im the parent not you !! and she doesnt listen to me and tells me she wants to kno wut is goin on in my life but wen i tell her she doesnt listen or critisizes me all the time about wut i tellher i just dont kno wut to do !! any advice!!?
Well if your dad is too sick to talk to and get involed in this crisis, and your grandma is too old too...
You have three choices if possible, talk to your dad condifdentally about the aunt. Talk to your grandma if she has any influence on the aunt.
And ask you aunt for a serious sit-down talk about how you feel and do not put blame on her and put her on the defensive, but just how you feel about it all. Let her feel for you at this point.
It can't hurt. She can listen if it's an arranged sit-down. You'll have her undivided attention.
If she knows how you feel, she might try changing for the better and resolve the issue. She might be unaware of it, because she doesn't want you to feel badly. She certainly has to repsect your thoughtfulness.
If all else fails, talk to a counselor at school. That's what they are there for.
You must be the oldest and that's why she expects more from you that you can give of her expectations.
Some people are just mean and nasty. Some are just misinformed and ignorant. She might be misinformed.
Try a school counselor first and see what he/she suggests. It's worth a shot. Then you have the verification for him/her that something should be done. And a plan.
Your father should get involved regardless of how sick he is. He should speak up in your defense.
In the meantime-- don't rock the boat. Talk to a counselor. And don't get the auntie mad and don't you get mad until you do talk to a counselor.