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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
I hear a song and I don't feel anything. Music is what makes me tic. Now I feel nothing. The only time I feel something is once I turn off the television and know that my reality is about to slam me in the face. My stomach drops. In television they have all these teenagers but never show them worrying about school. It is all about the drama. Reality checks in and I`m petrified. I realized that I might not like what I think I like. Maybe I'm just following others. What I see on television or through others. I just need to know that others feel this way too. Or maybe I need to know that I need help. I can`t think for myself.
The Answer
As frightening and weird as this must feel... it's actually very normal. Not normal good, but normal like toothaches are normal. It's awfully unpleasant, but none of this makes you crazy.
Most of us, who aren't total morons, experience a decent amount of this as teens. It's probably fair to call what you are describing existential angst.
Existential angst is the anxiety and fear you experience when you realize it's possible that life is entirely meaningless, and it can be a perfectly legitimate anxiety, or it can turn into self-obsessive, depressive and destructive state of mind.
Besides existential angst, which is pretty normal, it also sounds like you are experiencing a lot of anxiety about school work (also, pretty normal). When you get really anxious and stressed, some emotional deadening (like, not have emotional reactions to things you used to love, like music, or art or sports) is also, normal.
It's still not good. It's fucking unpleasant. But it doesn't make you crazy. Healthy human minds behave this way sometimes.
If you are feeling overwhelmed, anxious and scarred, then you should try and get some help - you aren't crazy - but a counselor could still help you come up with more skills and techniques to handle these normal - but not okay - experiences.
This shit happens. It happens to everybody. Some people are more or less prone to it - but it still happens. The best thing you can do is get some support to deal with it.
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The Question
Hey guys
Ok so before i talk about my question, i just want to let you all know that im on this website looking for support and advice, not to be criticized. And by the way im sorry this is so long, if you could please take the time to read it i would be so grateful:)
So my boyfriend is 17 and im 16. we have been dating for 10 months. He trusts me and i trust him but i have a problem with him hanging out with girls. Its not him i dont trust, its the fact that i dont want him to start developing feelings for another girl but not telling me or realizing it himself. I know he would never want to hurt me in any way and i know he wouldnt cheat on me, its just that its a natural part of life, developing feelings, you know? So i talked to him about it and i told him that i dont feel comfortable with him hanging out with other girls. I think he understands that but then he told me that i can hang out with my guy friends if i want to. I have a couple of close guy friends that i knew even before me and my boyfriend started dating. So my question is, would it be okay if i hung out with one of my guy friends because he said i could? Or would that be wrong since i told him i didnt want him hanging out with girls? Thank you!,
The Answer
You are right that developing feelings for other human beings is a normal part of life.
These things are also normal parts of life:
Having friends of the opposite sex.
Having friends your partner likes, and ones they don’t.
Having friends who have feelings for you, but you don’t feel the same (and vice versa).
Having a crush on a friend that you choose to never act on (for lots of possible reasons – including being in love with your partner and not wanting to risk that.)
Making tough choices between friendships and relationships.
Falling out love, breaking up and dating someone new.
Refusing to let your boyfriend 'hang out with girls' isn't going to protect you or him against any of those things! All it will do is lead to resentment and lies about those normal parts of life. If you say "You can't hang out with girls!" he may still experience most of the stuff I listed above – but because you’ve said “Don’t hang out with girls!” he won’t be able to talk to you about these normal experiences. He'll have to hid them from you and lie about them to protect you - because you've told him you can't handle him having these normal human experiences that everyone has...
Which means if the worse does happen, you’ll be completely surprised, and you’ll be dumped without warning or explanation.
You say you trust your boyfriend – then trust him. Trust him to handle these normal, although scary and frightening, things as they come up. Trust him to choose his own friends – including ending friendships he thinks are poisonous or destructive. Trust him to come to you, his partner, with honesty about things that he is experiencing, even things that scare you.
I’m not trying to critize you. I understand why you are frightened and it’s okay and normal to be scared. But saying “Don’t hang out with girls!” isn’t the healthy, respectful or productive way to handle these issues.
You should hang out with your guy friends, and trust yourself to handle any complications or feelings that arise, and you should trust him to the same.
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The Question
So everyone says that your birthday should be one of the happiest days of the year for you. But not for me ever year just gets sadder and sadder and so much harder to deal with. My party was usually just one or two close friends hanging out but this year I couldn't even bare to do that. I mean birthdays are really for celebrating that you have been on the earth for another year. Also it's a point when most people look back on there lives and then look to there future. But both of those parts of a birthday make me feel miserable. The celebrating makes me feel outcasted kind of funny really being the outcast at your own party. Then the looking over of your life makes me realize how horrible my life is and how miserable my future will be. I look back and realize that anyone that I have loved has either left me or has ended up hurting me. Birthdays are really awkward in my family. No one in my family ever celebrates birthdays. I've never had a Birthday where people show up to my house at 12am and me blowing candles or people singing happy birthday around me.Last time I had that birthday was when I was 10. I've had a bad childhood. When I see other people celebrating their bday I just want kill myself. My suicidal thoughts are highest on my bday.
The Answer
You need to take some control over this.
I also don't enjoy my birthdays. When I was very young a good friend passed away on my birthday, so most of my childhood birthdays went like this "Hey Happy Birthday... Do you remember Adam? That was soooo sad."
And it was sad. So I stopped celebrating my birthday.
Instead I'd treat myself to manicure. I'd watch a movie and relax on my own. I'd take some time to enjoy myself without stress or guilt.
So stop mooping about what your birthday hasn't been or won't be, and try to think of a way to spend a day that makes you happy and doesn't require a single other person on a planet. The surest way to be happy is to decide to be, and provide it for yourself. You can't always look to the world to deliver - even tho it's nice when it happens - it has to be something you can manage for yourself.
And talk to a therapist about your struggles with depression. Your birthday isn't the big problem here - Your mental health is. Your unhappiness about birthdays is a symptom of your poor mental health.
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The Question
Hello. i have a dalmation dog that. i recently brought from a pound. and he suffers. from. kennel cough. is thier. anyway. i can help get rid of it or does. it go by. itself
The Answer
It can be treated with antibiotics, and should be.
Kennel Cough will often go away by itself after two or three weeks - but that doesn't mean you should leave it! During that time your dog can infect other dogs, can infect very old, very young or very sick humans or it can develope into more serious conditions.
Kennel Cough can also be misdiagniosed. You want to see a vet to rule out more serious illnesses like influenza, pneumonia, or distemper.
So don't leave it and don't take the pound's word for it. Take him to a vet and get some antibiotics.
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The Question
Hi I am a female young. I was sexually assaulted walking home from work a few months ago. Fully raped. After that I got a persistent yeast infection that took six months to go away and I still have night sweats. I also have muscle and joint pain here and there. I was checked for stds and hiv at ten weeks after the incident then again at three months and again at six months and all negative. What are the chances of a six month negative turning positive later? I'm so anxious and everytime I get the night sweats I just go into panick mode. I don't deserve to get hiv like this . I'm devastated.
The Answer
The chances of getting a false negative on an HIV test are very, very small. The most common test used in the states has only a 0.003% chance of giving a false negative result.
So it's incredibly unlikely that you have HIV.
You should see a therapist.
The mind is a powerful thing. Anxiety and stress can contribute to physical illness. If you aren't already working through these experiences with a mental health professional, you should be.
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The Question
I went to take a shower and left a croissant on the counter and when I was done I heard strange high pitched noises so I looked around the corner and at the top of the stairs was my boyfriends lab. She was crying and limping, and my much larger male dog was standing at the bottom of the stairs.
They obviously got in a fight over the food, and she didn't win...he took her to the vet this morning, but now my boyfriend will not talk to me or acknowledge me or my dog in any way.
My problem is, he slept downstairs last night, didn't wake me up to go to the vet, and has said maybe 10 words total to me today. I'm upset about her being hurt and I feel like I'm being blamed for this. Obviously I shouldn't have left the food out, but its not the first time we've had food out and they've been downstairs with it alone.
Should I try to talk to him or just leave home alone. I'm feeling sick to my stomach and very stressed about this whole thing
The Answer
Well, you'll need to speak to each other.
You both have a big problem - and it's not that you left out food, or that his dog got hurt - your big problem is that there are two dogs on your home that are fighting.
This is no ones fault - they are animals acting like animals - but to handle this problem you are both going to need to step up, take pet ownership and training very seriously, and work together. He can't shut you out, or blame you entirely for the irrational behaviour of two beings that are only as smart as toddlers.
You need to come up with a plan together for supervising the dogs. You need to get a dog trainer, together, to help figure out what the problem is and what you both need to do to address it.
It's okay for your boyfriend to be upset - but it's not okay for him to shut you out. This is a huge problem, and you are going to need to communicate and work together to fix it. Neither of you can fix this on your own.
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The Question
I don't know what to do anymore... I have been with the same person for over a year. They have a 3 year old little boy that I love and we are happy a good amount of the time. However there are a few issues.
They don't have a babysitter so I always get stuck babysitting. It has turned into an expectation and they rarely ask until they are leaving. We talk about this all the time but they never follow through even though all I ask is that they get my okay to babysit before setting and making plans. They also are usually 30-60 minutes past the time they said they would be back.
I do all the cooking and dishes, I normally do not mind but, they have a roommate who sits around and never cleans up after themselves. Went out for dinner to get away from dishes and I come back to a messy ass kitchen and smoke filled house.
This roommate also treats me like a maid. (Conplains when I don't cook, leaves messes and then bitches when it is still there later) I have constantly asked my significant other to speak with them but they don't.
And a big one. I never get to do things just us two because they find the need to invite the roommate and 2-4 other friends. It is embarrassing showing up to a friend's house with a car full of people who didn't even ask if they could come. How do I tell my significant other that I don't like this? It is a constant thing and it is driving me to the edge. I need advice desperately.
Anything helps.
The Answer
Dump him and find somewhere else to live?
I'm sorry. I know that isn't the advice you are looking for, but what you have described here isn't annoyance like leaving wet towels on the bed or picking his nose - this is a pattern of utter disrespect and contempt of you and his child.
It's unlikely to change if you stay where you are.
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The Question
I rented Bioshock Infinite at Redbox on PS3, and it had 2 games; Bioshock and Bioshock Infinite.
I clicked on Bioshock and it just started installing. Why us there 2 games? I don't have Bioshock, nor is it in my PS3. Only Bioshock Infinite is.
Do you guys think they hacked the game?
P.S. Bioshock is installing right now.
The Answer
Bioshock Infinite came with the original Bioshock on the PS3 in North America. It's a bonus basically.
Both games are legitimately on the disk.
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The Question
18/F
I'd first like to start off by saying that yes, I know being a virgin in this day and age is rare and something I should be proud of, hold onto, and cherish. Or so some say. I know I should wait for someone special who cares and respects me and blah blah. But this isn't a fairy tail and my life doesn't become anything close to those options.
I've had the opportunity to sleep with a guy I've known for about a year, I have feelings for him and I think he's really nice and very attractive so I'm very surprised I was even given this opportunity considering I'm..not. I'm just not completely sure if he feels the same about me. I have a big feeling that I'm just a booty call and I hate to be one of those girls that hopes that sleeping with him will change that fact.
On the other hand, weather it's with him or not I want to lose my virginity. I want to have a boyfriend even more than that but I don't know many people and like I mentioned, I'm not attractive and that's pretty much all anyone looks for nowadays. Or if you have a nice body they can ignore your face but then again you're just an object to them. I can honestly say if you're just going to answer this telling me to wait until someone special comes a long you're pretty much wasting your time because no one special is going to. I know the guy I mentioned above will respect me considering it's my first time and he knows that, and he's seen me mostly unclothed also so that help. Not sure about the after result though. I have a horrible time meeting new people and can't even make friends with a girl let alone a guy.
I've realized that this kind of came out like a rant, but either way is like opinions/comments whatever. Thanks for your time.
The Answer
If you are hoping that sleeping with him will draw him closer to you, or lead to a relationship with him, than don't.
I'm all for casual sex - but if you do that, do that because it's what you want - not because you are hoping it will lead to 'more'. I'm also not for casual sex for people who are new to sex all together - not because your virginity is some precious thing - but because having sex can be a pretty profound and complex experience, even if you don't expect it to be. I think it's generally better for people to have that experience in relationships before they branch out to more casual encounters where they will need to manage the emotions and fallout of sex more independently.
Your life doesn't need to be a fairy tale for you to hold out some hope it'll get better. You don't need to wait forever for someone special, but at least wait for someone you can speak honestly with.
If you want to have sex with this friend, and wonder if he wants that and/or anything more, ask him. If the two of you can speak honestly and with respect about this, then you'll be in a much better position if you do in fact have sex with him.
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The Question
17/m
First off please do not tell me about how it's unhealthy and stuff. I already know this, please answer my question. Thank You :)
I have had an Ecig for about 2 weeks or 3 weeks. At first I would hit it and be fine and stuff. This last week I have been waking up with an upset stomach. I have missed 3 days of school and done 2 half days. I have been on antibiotics for a week or two.
I know the medicine can cause it but normally I do not get upset stomachs from them, i have had these antibiotics before it is to stop a cut on my mouth that the doctors aren't sure why i have but they seem to work so i take them when needed.
Before taking these antibiotics I did not have stomach aches and diarrhea. I have been off the antibiotics for a day now and I still have an upset stomach this morning but have not needed to go to the bathroom yet... just lots of gas.
I also read nicotine overdoses have the symptoms of up upset stomachs so i was wondering if that is what it is too?
Any info is helpful! What can I do?
Also I am going to take a break from the ecig to see what happens to my stomach.
The Answer
You need to go back to the doctor, and you need to be honest about your e-cig use when you speak to the doctor.
A break from the e-cig is a good place to start, but this is also worth going back to a doctor about - to make sure that the antibiotics are still doing the job they are supposed too, and addressed the core problem, and to make sure you aren't suffering from nicotine poisoning, a condition which has the potential to be deadly if you continue ingesting nicotine.
Frankly - besides the general fact that E-cigs just aren't good for you - sucking on anything (straws, suckers or cigarettes) when you have open sores in your mouth can stop those sores from healing or even re-open them. That's just basic physics - the suction can pull them open. So I wouldn't just stop the e-cigs for the sake of your stomach, but consider stopping in a longer term for the chronic sores in your mouth as well.
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The Question
So I met this guy on a website specifically for writing your own stories, but there are forums where you can chat to other people. They're nice people, honestly.
Anyway, I started talking to him and we have a ton in common. The first night he asked me about my secrets, and thinking I'd never talk to him again, I told him everything. And he listened the whole time and he didn't judge. He cared. And then he told me some of his secrets. And i listened and cared and didn't judge.
A couple days after that, we were talking about relationships and love and he suddenly asked me who i liked. I didn't even think he cared. I tried to dodge his question, because in truth, I had started to like him as more than just a friend. And i know thats weird because it's moving so fast, but i honestly don't care. You love who you love.
So near the end of the bombardment of questions he shot at me, he said, "Obviously it's me." And i said, "How?" and he went on to explain how defensive i was of it and how the answers kind of described him. And then he told me he liked me back,and i was so excited.
Until he said he wanted to keep it a secret and not tell anyone.
Honestly I still want to be with him, even though he wants to keep our relationship a secret.
But there's a problem. See, he lives in England and I live in the States. That kinda complicates things. I just wish he didn't live so far away.
I want advice on how to handle this and if i should even attempt a relationship. Please? Anything would be helpful.
Oh and I'm 15, a female :)
The Answer
He's acting like a manipulative jackass.
Maybe you do love him. I don't know, but I can tell you, based on a bit more life experience, that this guy is playing you and preying on you.
It's okay to feel love and enjoy the company of a guy who is a behaving like a jackass. This will probably not be the first nasty person who touches your heart. But let's call a spade a spade: This guy is up to no good.
He is not sincere. In fact, he sounds like he as a serious game-plan: The constant questions, the desire for immediate secret-sharing and intimacy, the clear, confident insistence that you like him. This guy is a pusher, and he's the kind of person who is likely to try and push you into other forms of false intimacy as well - Things like sending him nude photos.
The behavoir you've describe so far, from the demanding personal questions to the 'let's keep it secret', paints a very ugly picture of this guy and actually makes me skeptical that he is even who he claims to be. Think about why he even bothered to insist it be a secret? You are in America - He could have easily kept it a secret from everyone he actually knows even if you told everyone you did! So who is he hiding it from? Why not take it slowly if he wanted to feel things out with you? Why jump all in, so quickly, but keep it secret?
This isn't the behavoir of someone who is sincere and serious in their affections. This is the behavoir of someone who knows how to get in deep and fast, and how to manipulate another person into going in deep and fast too.
This isn't a relationship. Not Yet. More importantly, it's unlikely to ever be one. You are 15. Without the freedom or the ability to travel to see him - for years. You can't do anything of the things that build real and lasting trust and respect between two people. Plus, as I've said before, he's behaving like a jackass.
You might think I'm being unfair, but I'm pretty damn sure about this. Whatever you decide, please keep yourself safe. Don't give this guy sexual photos or stories, and don't give him personal information like a phone number or address. Don't be confused by his intimate and confident behavoir: He's a virtual stranger to you. Be on guard.
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The Question
My girlfriend and I were dry humping. She usually wear shorts and underwear while I'm wearing jeans and underwear. I eventually ejaculated while she was sitting on me(we are both sitting at that time) and my jeans got wet. After that she missed her period for 3 months and we took a home pregnancy test and I was shocked when she told me the test was faint positive. It appeared around 6-10 minutes after she left it for bowel reasons but the reaction time given is 3 minutes. She told me she is not cheating on me. We took another test after 1 month and it's negative and another hpt 6 days after that negative and it also says negative. Now I am wondering if it is possible that sperm could travel through my underwear and jeans although i know it is wet going inside her(considering her shorts and underwear got a wet spot)? Do you think what happened is a false positive? her period doesn't arrived yet and it's already 4 months late. thanks for the answer.
The Answer
Your girlfriend should see a doctor. Four months without a period is worthy of concern.
She's probably not pregnant tho. It was most likely a false positive.
It's nearly impossible to get pregnant the way you've described. Semen isn't smart. It doesn't know which way to go and doesn't weave intelligently through clothing. It moves around vaguely forwardish in liquid. If there is not enough liquid to move in, it doesn't move. If there is a dry spot, it can't travel accross it.
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The Question
I have this coworker, and he and I have become pretty good friends. I think I'm falling for him, and it appears to be mutual, I can just sense it. Before, about a year ago, we were acquaintances and kind of joked around. Then our friendship started growing, and we became pretty good friends, to the point where we have a 6 hour long conversations on Facebook about serious stuff, funny stuff, the whole sha-bang. Now it's sort of taken an awkward turn. When we're scheduled on the same shifts, at first we are sooooooo awkward. Then as the shift goes on, we're close again. He's even started playfully teasing, and we've got some witty banter going on. Great development, right? Awesome news, eh? WRONG.
See, there's an important factor I think we both like to forget... I'm a hardcore Christian, and he's an Atheist. It says on his Facebook he's a "Proud Atheist", and not that Facebook has the overall say in life, but if he took the time to write that and become part of a FB group with that same title, then I'm thinking he's pretty sure about it. I'm very serious about dating/relationships. I'm 18, and I've never dated anyone. I didn't want to date in high school because 9/10 times they fail, and are just drama-infested wastes of time. So, I date with purpose, I don't mess around. I can't date anyone who I couldn't see myself marrying. Not that I have to know RIGHT AWAY, or even in the first year. But if I knew I'd never marry that person right from get-go, I can't date them. Whether addicted to meth, never want to have kids, that sort of thing. I graduated in 2012, and since then I've just been waiting to meet the right dude to date. And... I think he takes the cake. He's intelligent, yet sensitive. Hilarious, caring, understanding, supportive, confident not big-headed, musically inclined, and he's witty, yet mature in the important ways. He's a nerd, like me. He's perfect in every way except one! HE'S AN ATHEIST. Whyyyyyyyy me?
I know there's no way I'm ever going to marry an atheist. My future husband will at least be aware of the fact that Jesus is our Lord and Savior. I probably sound snobby, but think about it. How would we raise our kids? Our mindsets in life would be so different. I'd be living for the Lord, alone. But... I like this guy a lot. I'm crushed. I think about him when I fall asleep and when I wake up. And I'll think "Why don't we date- oh yeah. Crap." and my heart sinks. I'm trying to cling on to some hope. I suppose my question is, do atheists convert often?
I wouldn't want him to make that change for me. Not at all. I'd want him to do it because HE wanted to. I want him to know the love of God, feel the powerful emotion the Holy Spirit can bring you, see life with God's Goggles, if you will, haha. So, what would you suggest I do? Do you have any advice/suggestions? Or should I just suck it up and move on? Thank you for reading.
The Answer
Edit in response to feedback:
I can only read what you write. Not what you don't.
I think you are responding to the question you thought you wrote down, and the not the one you actually asked. You were worried about sounding snobby, so you assumed I was treating you like a snob. I wasn't. I was responding to what you wrote down. I might have made errors in my assumptions - that happens - but that doesn't mean my assumptions were irrational or even unfair.
Your question doesn't become about atheists in general until your third paragraph. You asked "How would we raise our kids?" That's not a rhetorical question! That's the kind of problem you are thinking about with this guy - and it's a valid concern and totally legitimate question! But questions like that are also part of a fantasy you are creating for yourself (along with dwelling on his wonderfulness before you fall asleep at night) because they miss the bigger point.
The bigger point is that you told us "I want to date someone I can imagine marrying" and "I could never marry an atheist." So there will be no co-parenting with this guy. You've already decided he is undatable.
You have said there is something about him that you cannot tolerate in a boyfriend or husband. That's not snobby, and it doesn't make you are bad person, but it does mean he's not your match.
You clearly hope that he will change this one thing that you see as a serious flaw and deal-breaker! You don't need to deny that! It doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't matter if you hope it for him, or for yourself (but at least be this honest with yourself: How much time do you spend hoping guys you don't have a crush on will find God?)
Most of us want other people to embrace the truths we think make the world a better place, that doesn't make you bad to admit that is what is going on here - it only makes you a bad match for him, if he is fact, a proud atheist.
Your choices, you requirements, and your words make this guy a bad match for you. I didn't do that. You told me that that was the case, so I told you what you told us.
You have become fixated on someone with deal-breaker. You asked us how often that deal breaker goes away - and the answer is 'Not Very Often'.
If you had asked "How do I figure out how to date someone with very different beliefs than mine? Can that work?" I could have offered very different advice, but that isn't what you asked. You asked how often people like him change, and what you could do to help him change.
I know your intentions are basically good, but they are also deeply biased. Think for a moment how you would feel if someone you like and respect asked that about your beliefs. "I know this really cool girl, except she's a Christian. I can't date a Christian. So how likely is it that she'll stop being a Christian? And how can I help her to see how much more respectful and loving you can be to all people when you aren't limited by Christian belief?"
Even if the person who asked that about you had no intention of lecturing you or whatever the atheist equivalent or 'bible thumping' would be, even if they really wished it for you because they thought it would be best for you, even so, wouldn't that feel even a bit disrespectful? Wouldn't it hurt that someone rejected you based on a part of yourself that you feel has value and goodness? Would you feel misunderstood and unfairly judged? It's certainly something to consider.
But regardless of how you feel about the answer to that question, right now, you need to let your feelings for this guy go.
I don't think you are a lovesick child. I don't think there is anything wrong with what you say you want. You should go get it. I think its just fine not to want to date an atheist, but I do thing you are someone who hasn't had enough bad or failing relationships to have learned the correct response to a deal-breaker, which is to:
Suck it up and move on.
You want the real truth, the real, mature, human answer to your question: Ask to him about this.
If his atheism is important to him and how he sees the world, then ask him about it without clinging to hope that he'll change his mind. At least attempt to accept it as part the wonderfulness of who he is, and not a inherent flaw or deficit.
It doesn't mean you need to change your mind about dating him - I'm not recommending that. What I'm recommending is that you do the hard work it takes to truly recognize the humanity and goodness of someone who believes differently than you do, and begin to build a more honest friendship with this guy you think is awesome, rather than dwelling on your own ideas about who he is, and who you wish he was.
You'll be a richer, happier person, with more cool friends, if you can do that.
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Suck it up and move on.
Seriously, you haven't even been in a one-on-one situation with this guy outside of work and you are already trying to figure out how you'd co-parent? You don't have a crush - you have a fantasy. It's happening, in all honesty, in part because you don't have enough experiences with romance and relationships to know how to not get carried away with your own imaginings.
Don't carry on this way. You'll end up creating a vision of him in your mind that is entirely divorced from who he truly is. That always spells trouble.
Do atheists convert to religious beliefs? Sure, it does happen. A minority of atheists do convert to one form of religious belief or another, rarely Christianity (most atheist converts in the US convert to Eastern belief systems, or identify theists or deists without affiliation to any major religion). It's lower than the percentage of religious people who become atheists or non-religious. Is there any reason, at all, to believe this particular guy will convert (and convert to the kind of religious beliefs that would be please you)? No. None at all.
So move on. He doesn't have what you say you are looking for. It's actually a bit disrespectful to date someone hoping and dreaming they'll change their religious beliefs. Either accept the great guy he is (including his atheism, not in spite of it) or don't date him at all.
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The Question
I miss my family. I miss what it used to be. I miss the feeling when we were kids and everything seemed wonderful. I had my sister and my brother as my best friends. We got each other.
Now, I am in college. My sister has vanished for 3+ years. My brother gives me the cold shoulder every time I come home. My father is a block of human flesh that cannot understand what it means to care for another, to have sympathy. His head is in the past and does not realize it. He expects women to be servants and men to do the heavy work. When one thing is said to him, he acts like he listens, but responds with his own self centered opinion. He is impossible. My mother is a mad mess because this is not what she envisioned her life as. She feels hopeless.
That takes it back to me. I'm in the middle of trying to move on with my life but still desire the love of my family. One thing I did not mention is that I have an older brother, not my once best friend younger brother, but an older abusive brother. He would hit us, especially me, and manipulate my parents into thinking that we were all in the wrong and in the end no one gets punished. He lied, he bullied, he harassed. My parents? On the occasion my father, when we were kids would protect us. He saw what was going on. This was during the time that my sister and I were complaining a lot. My mother at the time favored my older brother like no other. She bought him the good glasses, bought my sister and I the ones that made our visions get progressively and significantly worse after a year. She would pick him up whenever he called. We would have to wait 1-3 hours in the front of school for her to get her ass to us.
One time, my older brother, forcefully dug his nails into my hands because I wouldn't let him take my CD out of the computer that I was using. He wanted me to get off so that he could use it.I refused. When my dad came home, we showed him the blood on the computer and the fingernail marks on my hand. My dad saw what was going on now, and he talked to my brother. I don't think he ever punished him, but he saw what was going on.
My parents never ever did anything about that. Their resolution? To keep him calm and happy. I won't forget the time he took a butcher knife and went to my sister's and I's bedroom saying that just a little bit, just a little bit it will be over. It will all be over. My parents were trying to calm him down. And once it was over, it was over. No punishment for him. No talking to my sister or me.
That was and still is how my parents deal with disruption in any calm in the family. They try to get it to go away, and once away, ignore the fact that it ever happened. It is no wonder that everyone suffers. They don't understand the fact that my older brother needs some fucking significant help. That heffer is messed up. Fucking messed up. And they put up with that?? What the fuck is wrong with them and what the fuck is wrong with him.
This is all insanity. Do you have any advice on how I should go about this insanity? Or other suggestions?
The Answer
Get out.
Your brother is mentally ill and your parents are unable to cope with it, so they do the only things they feel they can to keep him from killing you all.
Seriously. They might be fucked up and totally wrong, but they are also probably doing their best, even if that best sucks.
So get out. Apply for every scholarship. Talk to friends or distant family members who might take you in. Get the hell out. It's not sane, and it's not safe.
Don't do what your parents are doing. Don't just sit around, hoping things will get better and trying not to rock the boat in case it makes things worse. Take the chance. Get out.
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The Question
i am 18 year old boy . my gf is 17. i love her immensely and i have promised to marry her once i am financially strong.however every time i want to touch her , hold her hand or kiss her...she pushes me back and turns away.she does not even talk about sex!! when i asked she says that she loves me and she wants closeness but she is SHY??...i really love her a lot and it is 4 years now , and i want to make love to her. i can figure it out that she wants it too , i have gone through her diary secretly but she says that she is too shy to let me touch her private parts or kiss her??? however she agreed to make love soon. guys please give clues on how to approach to her once we are in bed so that she feels comfortable and it is easy for her to come out of her shyness. and also can anyone explain to me this psychology of girls???
The Answer
Who says there is anything wrong with your girlfriend? You don't need to understand the psychology of girls. You only need to listen to what she's telling you. She's shy, she's seventeen, and she isn't ready for that level of physical intimacy.
What's wrong with you?
You read her diary, which is absolutely wrong and disrespectful.
You are also pressuring a girl who is barely comfortable touching you into having sex with you.
You might not mean to be pressuring her, but its very clear that you are.
Back off. She deserves more respect than you are giving her. She's made it abundantly clear that she is not ready. Although she might have agreed to sex, out of a desire to please you and keep you happy, any sensible man would recognize she is not comfortable.
We can't know WHY she isn't comfortable, but is also doesn't really matter. If she isn't comfortable, for whatever reason, you need to back off and stop pushing for something she is not okay with.
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The Question
i am 17 and my bf is 18. i love him a lot and he too. we were in a long distance relationship for about 5 years. now he has moved into my city and he wants to give me this special gift of being physical with him on my birthday next week. it is okay since his family knows about us and our future plans so he will not dump me. but i am really shy. i do not know why but he took me out to a date yesterday and i did not even let him hold my hand. i feel butterflies in my stomach with him around. i tense up and sweat. i have told him this but he says that i will not be shy after the first time. but how do i get over the first time itself? the idea of him with me in bed , touching my private parts and seeing me naked, feeling him inside me,kissing him etc. is like too difficult . please help!! i have to do this and i want to...so please don't ask to postpone it. just help me with the shyness thing, maybe give tips on how to relax with him around. thanks.
The Answer
I would advise against doing this on your birthday.
There are three big reasons:
Your birthday is your day. You want to enjoy it without the stress and worry that sex is causing you. Your boyfriend certainly means well, but its not the kindest suggestion. Let your birthday be your birthday. Let the first time you have sex be just that.
Your boyfriend is also wrong that you will suddenly get over your shyness after the first time - you might, some people do - but some people don't, and your boyfirend needs to respect that.
Finally, don't do this because you aren't ready. You've been long distance for years! Don't rush yourselves into full blown sex. Make out, have fun, pet and touch either. Get to know each others bodies. That will help you with your shyness, and frankly, it's more fun that way!
Your boyfriend might love you very much, but its not a gift of you have to do it! There are many reasons to wait, even just for a day other than your birthday.
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The Question
Ok so what I want to do is talk into some recording media then play it back to myself with the in the hopes that I retain more of what the recording says if it is done with my own voice.
Would it matter what voice is used?
Presumably I trust myself, and would want to do what I said??? Any thoughts?
The Answer
Most people don't instinctively recognize thier own voice when it's recorded and played back. We are used to the sound of our own voice when they reverberate inside our own heads.
So I don't think it's likely that you'll find your own voice recording praticularly conforting or persuasive.
But that doesn't mean it won't be a good learning tool for you. Myself, I can't learn from pure lecture. No matter whoes voice it is, I need to take notes and write about topics to understand them.
But if you can learn simply by listening, then maybe recordings of your own voice will be helpful.
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The Question
Ok, so this is not really about me, but I have a question just in general. So guys & girls who should make the first move in a relationship? Is it more proper for boys too? Or should it not matter? Thanks for the feed back!
The Answer
It's shouldn't matter.
Just like race or gender shouldn't really matter when you are hiring someone - it shouldn't matter who makes the first move, the girl or the guy.
But just like race and gender often DO matter when it comes to hiring someone - it often does matter.
Some people (girls and guys) don't want to be the one to make the first move. Often because they are shy or insecure - they justify it and say that it's the other person's JOB to do make the first move. It's mostly girls who says this ("But the guy is SUPPOSED to make the first move!") but I've also heard it from guys ("Girls make the first move on me all the time. Why should I bother if she's not going too?")
Both positions are arbitrary and childish.
But here is the simple, vital truth when it comes to romance and dating:
You can be as arbitrary, childish and even discriminatory as you'd like to be!
Romance dating and sex is one of the few things were people are entirely entitled to be any kinf of asshole they want to be, even racist assholes, and although it might be ugly, they are entitled to make their choices for any stupid reason they like.
So the real question isn't who SHOULD make the first move. The real question is why kind of people are you going to end up being compatible with?
If you are a girl who thinks guys should always make the first move, then you'll never date anyone who doesn't - you aren't compatible with guys who don't make the first move.
If you are a guy who thinks it's slutty or masculine for a girl to make the first move, then you'll never date a girl who does - you aren't compatible with girls who make the first move.
As purely stupid as I think it is that some people thinks it's OTHER peoples' job to express interest (rather than, ya know, just being honest about what they personally want regardless of their gender) people can still do what they want, and will most likely end up with people who feel they same way they do about 'the first move'.
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The Question
Razhie,
I just wanted to thank you for everything you do on advicenators. Your advice over the years has helped me become a better columnist. You input has taught me how to have better insight upon problem solving and handling things in a mature and smart way. If there was, I would give you the #1 spot here as I feel you very much deserve it.
Again thank you
-Zane
The Answer
Hey Zane - Sorry I didn't respond right away. I was a bit stumped what to say besides 'Thanks!'
It means a lot to me for you to say that, and it came at the time when I really needed some positivity sent my way.
I know reading your advice has helped me more than a few times to see things from different angles, or even freed me to feel like I could fairly focus on a different side of the problem.
One of the things I've loved about the site is seeing the different opinion of great advisers like you. I like to think we've all made each other better people in ways that are hard to see - I know you've helped me be better too.
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The Question
What should I do in case of a dog attack? We have a family dog and we take her out to do her business at certain times. (On our own property of course) Today I was napping while my mom took our dog outside and another dog, about twice as big as our dog came and approached them. My mom was holding onto the leash trying to prevent the dogs from getting into contact and got herself hurt. She lost a big piece of flesh from the leash's friction and when our dog got loose from her collar she ran for it and the other dog chased her. My mom then ran in the house to call me and by the time we got to the door our dog was there waiting for us and trying to get inside. When we opened it to let our dog in, just as we slammed the door shut, the other dog made it to the door. Had my mom closed the door any later that dog would've gotten in the house and it would've been dangerous for all of us. I am still upset that the dog was not on its leash, I don't know who the owner is but I was intending to talk to them. We've never seen that dog around our neighborhood. I just want to know what are the appropriate actions to take if this were to happen again. If that happened to me, I may have to try to kick it hard enough so that I would have time to run inside my house while it was recovering from the blow. But there's also a risk of that dog would rebound really quick and chase after me, if that's the case then I won't be able to outrun it so I would have to keep defending myself until that dog gives up. I don't want to hurt it, but I don't want to get myself or my other family members to get hurt either. There were plenty of reasons for us to call the dog catchers, but we understand the situation when having a dog. Sometimes they get loose, but I'm just really upset that this happened. 1. That dog was on our property 2. It was off leash 3. It injured my mom. This has never happened before. I'm concerned every time we take the dog out now. I'm glad it didn't go after my mom either. She's a small woman and it could've easily taken her down. She's 4'11, and the dog that we saw was either an american bulldog or pitbull. I can't even express how annoyed I feel.
The Answer
The first thing you do is call the police.
Whether this dog was a violent stray, or someone's pet, it needs to be stopped. So your first move is report the incident. The police might know whose dog it was by description, they might also be able to warn others in area to be on the look out.
Part of having a dog is securing your dog. If someone can't secure their violent dog, they deserve no sympathy at all.
You got lucky this time. Someone's dog or mother might not. Someone's child might not. You have a responsibly to notify the police.
As for what to do if it happens again, it's tough to say. Getting away with your dog is obviously the best course of action. Standing still and saying No loudly and firmly will deter some dogs (most know what No means.) If you ever do have a dog attack you or your dog again, and you aren't able to get away, you have to fight it and keep fighting it.
Pepper spray, or a large stick are most useful. Empty a can of pepper spray in the dogs face, or hit them as hard as you can between the ears with a stick. Don't turn and run - never turn your back on an aggressive dog, or let them circle behind you. Running away is behaving like prey, and you wont outrun a dog. Standing your ground is better if you have no immediate means of escape. If you don't have a weapon, kick and hit until the aggressor dog backs offs or run.
Most dogs haven't been trained to attack humans, so most will back off if you can land a few solid hits, especially to the dogs groin or underbelly.
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