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Highly abusive / dysfunctional family dynamics
I miss my family. I miss what it used to be. I miss the feeling when we were kids and everything seemed wonderful. I had my sister and my brother as my best friends. We got each other.
Now, I am in college. My sister has vanished for 3+ years. My brother gives me the cold shoulder every time I come home. My father is a block of human flesh that cannot understand what it means to care for another, to have sympathy. His head is in the past and does not realize it. He expects women to be servants and men to do the heavy work. When one thing is said to him, he acts like he listens, but responds with his own self centered opinion. He is impossible. My mother is a mad mess because this is not what she envisioned her life as. She feels hopeless.
That takes it back to me. I'm in the middle of trying to move on with my life but still desire the love of my family. One thing I did not mention is that I have an older brother, not my once best friend younger brother, but an older abusive brother. He would hit us, especially me, and manipulate my parents into thinking that we were all in the wrong and in the end no one gets punished. He lied, he bullied, he harassed. My parents? On the occasion my father, when we were kids would protect us. He saw what was going on. This was during the time that my sister and I were complaining a lot. My mother at the time favored my older brother like no other. She bought him the good glasses, bought my sister and I the ones that made our visions get progressively and significantly worse after a year. She would pick him up whenever he called. We would have to wait 1-3 hours in the front of school for her to get her ass to us.
One time, my older brother, forcefully dug his nails into my hands because I wouldn't let him take my CD out of the computer that I was using. He wanted me to get off so that he could use it.I refused. When my dad came home, we showed him the blood on the computer and the fingernail marks on my hand. My dad saw what was going on now, and he talked to my brother. I don't think he ever punished him, but he saw what was going on.
My parents never ever did anything about that. Their resolution? To keep him calm and happy. I won't forget the time he took a butcher knife and went to my sister's and I's bedroom saying that just a little bit, just a little bit it will be over. It will all be over. My parents were trying to calm him down. And once it was over, it was over. No punishment for him. No talking to my sister or me.
That was and still is how my parents deal with disruption in any calm in the family. They try to get it to go away, and once away, ignore the fact that it ever happened. It is no wonder that everyone suffers. They don't understand the fact that my older brother needs some fucking significant help. That heffer is messed up. Fucking messed up. And they put up with that?? What the fuck is wrong with them and what the fuck is wrong with him.
This is all insanity. Do you have any advice on how I should go about this insanity? Or other suggestions?
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I wish i knew how old you are? Are you almost 18? Or to a point where you can work a ob and get out of the house or go away to school?
Secondly you just need to tell your parents that your brother is abusive and if they care about him they will try and get him help. They are obviously in denial. So you need to just say it. Maybe go to your dad first because he realizes how your brother is. If its to hard to talk to them then write them a letter. Build your case, give examples of how he has always been abusive. and how if they truly love him and care about the family they will do what they can to seek professional help for him. If they don't believe you then thats their choice and it's not a good or healthy one but unfortunately there is nothing you can do. I don't know what your brother is like but perhaps you could write him a letter and tell him that your worried about him and you think he needs professional help. Your worried that the family is being torn apart and you want him to be happy and healthy and to please consider getting help.
If this doesn't work, then work hard in school try and get a job and save money and work towards getting yourself in a healthy situation.
I'm very sorry that this has happened to your family. Hopefully your just saying what everyone agrees with and is too afraid to say. Either way you don't deserve to live in an abusive situation. Try to fix it but if your family doesn't want to face the truth, then try and get yourself in a better place thats not abusive. You don't deserve to live in fear of your brother you seem like a good person.
Good luck, be strong :)
I'm very
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I don't think any of us have the expertise to offer the type of advice you need. Fortunately there is an organization that does have the expertise and can point you to people where you live that can help you. The name of the organization is RAINN.
RAINN stands for Rape, Abuse, Incest, National Network, They operate a 24/7 hotline you should call. That number is 1-800-656-HOPE. The call is free and totally confidential. The call is automatically routed to a crisis center near you where specially trained people can help you with your question.
What I see is a dysfunctional family. A big brother that is in need a psychiatric help who is a danger to himself and others. If you have siblings living at home under the age of 18 there may be need for intervention by child services to insure their safety.
As for you; I think you would do well to contact the health center at school for counseling with a psychologist. The people at RAINN will do a better job of explaining this with you than I can here.
From what you have written your home life was troubling. You need to in a sense get right with your childhood experiences so that you can go forward with your life. We can't correct the past; what we can do is learn to live with it in a healthy way so it does not ruin the future for us. So that we do not inflict this on our children. This is where the psychologist comes in. This is the person you can say anything and everything to. Get everything off your chest confident that whatever is said is totally confidential.
What RAINN and the psychologist can do for you is to help you get right with you. RAINN can help you get your brother the help he needs for as I said from what you have written he appears to be a danger to himself and others. Your younger siblings who may be under 18 can also be helped by contacting the proper agencies.
As for your parents that will depend on whether you have siblings under 18 at home. If you do then the same agencies that are there to protect you siblings will work with your parents to correct their parenting skills.
I hope my advice helps.
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Get out.
Your brother is mentally ill and your parents are unable to cope with it, so they do the only things they feel they can to keep him from killing you all.
Seriously. They might be fucked up and totally wrong, but they are also probably doing their best, even if that best sucks.
So get out. Apply for every scholarship. Talk to friends or distant family members who might take you in. Get the hell out. It's not sane, and it's not safe.
Don't do what your parents are doing. Don't just sit around, hoping things will get better and trying not to rock the boat in case it makes things worse. Take the chance. Get out.
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