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hanging out with the opposite gender while dating
Hey guys
Ok so before i talk about my question, i just want to let you all know that im on this website looking for support and advice, not to be criticized. And by the way im sorry this is so long, if you could please take the time to read it i would be so grateful:)
So my boyfriend is 17 and im 16. we have been dating for 10 months. He trusts me and i trust him but i have a problem with him hanging out with girls. Its not him i dont trust, its the fact that i dont want him to start developing feelings for another girl but not telling me or realizing it himself. I know he would never want to hurt me in any way and i know he wouldnt cheat on me, its just that its a natural part of life, developing feelings, you know? So i talked to him about it and i told him that i dont feel comfortable with him hanging out with other girls. I think he understands that but then he told me that i can hang out with my guy friends if i want to. I have a couple of close guy friends that i knew even before me and my boyfriend started dating. So my question is, would it be okay if i hung out with one of my guy friends because he said i could? Or would that be wrong since i told him i didnt want him hanging out with girls? Thank you!,
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Hon, I see nothing to criticize you about, not that any one on here would anyways. You bring up a valid question that every couple on this planet has to deal with at some point in time. Do I believe it's possible to be in love and both partners have friends of the opposite sex on the outside of the relationship...just platonic, no romantic attachments, no desire for sex. YES! It is possible. Society has fed us the beliefs that it is unnatural, it is just asking for trouble. That there is no way that in hanging out with a person of the opposite sex that you can stop yourself from wanting to kiss them or go to bed with them. It has a lot to do with the maturity of an individual, being armed with information and willpower and determination.
Do you guy friends know you are dating this guy? Are they willing to spend time with you? Are they going to try to kiss you or more? Are you sexually attracted to them or not? If you have feeling for one of them too, let me say right now, it is possible to love two or more people at the same time. There are valid relationships where all the partners know of the other partner and are okay with it because nothing is done in secret and there is alwasys good communication. It is called Polyamory. Look it up on line. Now, lets say your boyfriend is hanging out with lady friends. Possibly he is a male who prefers female friends over male ones. My husband is like that. I prefer male friends over female ones. Nothing wrong with that. The key is how he conducts himself with the other girls. With good friends, it is possible to even flirt even though there is no intention behind it to go any further. You just have to know your guy really well. Since you are both teens, you are still learning about yourselves and relationships and have much more to learn over your lifetime. I highly recommend you watch Sexplus on youtube by Laci green. Here's her short video on men and woman being just friends:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Good luck dear.
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Feelings are natural so whether he hangs out with girls or not, he could possibly start having feelings for someone else. It's his decision to act on them.
As for hanging out with other guys because he said it was ok, that's completely up to you. If you feel like it's ok since he told you, then go ahead. If you feel like you're being hypocritical, then don't.
With my boyfriend, we set boundaries. We know it's ok to hang out with the opposite gender but we chose to restrict it. More like, still keeping in touch with them but not hanging out with them a lot. Because if I needed support from friends, I run to my girlfriends, not the guys. Just out of respect for him. I didn't feel the need to have hour long conversations with guys. If I hung out with a guy, I normally had a girl with me or we'd just catch up for a little bit and that's it.
So I think you both should talk about it. You don't want it to blow up in your face. You don't want to restrict him to not hanging out with girls at all but you might want to figure out where you feel comfortable. Because if he does end up having feelings for someone, I'm sure he won't act of them.
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You are right that developing feelings for other human beings is a normal part of life.
These things are also normal parts of life:
Having friends of the opposite sex.
Having friends your partner likes, and ones they don’t.
Having friends who have feelings for you, but you don’t feel the same (and vice versa).
Having a crush on a friend that you choose to never act on (for lots of possible reasons – including being in love with your partner and not wanting to risk that.)
Making tough choices between friendships and relationships.
Falling out love, breaking up and dating someone new.
Refusing to let your boyfriend 'hang out with girls' isn't going to protect you or him against any of those things! All it will do is lead to resentment and lies about those normal parts of life. If you say "You can't hang out with girls!" he may still experience most of the stuff I listed above – but because you’ve said “Don’t hang out with girls!” he won’t be able to talk to you about these normal experiences. He'll have to hid them from you and lie about them to protect you - because you've told him you can't handle him having these normal human experiences that everyone has...
Which means if the worse does happen, you’ll be completely surprised, and you’ll be dumped without warning or explanation.
You say you trust your boyfriend – then trust him. Trust him to handle these normal, although scary and frightening, things as they come up. Trust him to choose his own friends – including ending friendships he thinks are poisonous or destructive. Trust him to come to you, his partner, with honesty about things that he is experiencing, even things that scare you.
I’m not trying to critize you. I understand why you are frightened and it’s okay and normal to be scared. But saying “Don’t hang out with girls!” isn’t the healthy, respectful or productive way to handle these issues.
You should hang out with your guy friends, and trust yourself to handle any complications or feelings that arise, and you should trust him to the same.
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