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How often do atheists change their minds?
I have this coworker, and he and I have become pretty good friends. I think I'm falling for him, and it appears to be mutual, I can just sense it. Before, about a year ago, we were acquaintances and kind of joked around. Then our friendship started growing, and we became pretty good friends, to the point where we have a 6 hour long conversations on Facebook about serious stuff, funny stuff, the whole sha-bang. Now it's sort of taken an awkward turn. When we're scheduled on the same shifts, at first we are sooooooo awkward. Then as the shift goes on, we're close again. He's even started playfully teasing, and we've got some witty banter going on. Great development, right? Awesome news, eh? WRONG.
See, there's an important factor I think we both like to forget... I'm a hardcore Christian, and he's an Atheist. It says on his Facebook he's a "Proud Atheist", and not that Facebook has the overall say in life, but if he took the time to write that and become part of a FB group with that same title, then I'm thinking he's pretty sure about it. I'm very serious about dating/relationships. I'm 18, and I've never dated anyone. I didn't want to date in high school because 9/10 times they fail, and are just drama-infested wastes of time. So, I date with purpose, I don't mess around. I can't date anyone who I couldn't see myself marrying. Not that I have to know RIGHT AWAY, or even in the first year. But if I knew I'd never marry that person right from get-go, I can't date them. Whether addicted to meth, never want to have kids, that sort of thing. I graduated in 2012, and since then I've just been waiting to meet the right dude to date. And... I think he takes the cake. He's intelligent, yet sensitive. Hilarious, caring, understanding, supportive, confident not big-headed, musically inclined, and he's witty, yet mature in the important ways. He's a nerd, like me. He's perfect in every way except one! HE'S AN ATHEIST. Whyyyyyyyy me?
I know there's no way I'm ever going to marry an atheist. My future husband will at least be aware of the fact that Jesus is our Lord and Savior. I probably sound snobby, but think about it. How would we raise our kids? Our mindsets in life would be so different. I'd be living for the Lord, alone. But... I like this guy a lot. I'm crushed. I think about him when I fall asleep and when I wake up. And I'll think "Why don't we date- oh yeah. Crap." and my heart sinks. I'm trying to cling on to some hope. I suppose my question is, do atheists convert often?
I wouldn't want him to make that change for me. Not at all. I'd want him to do it because HE wanted to. I want him to know the love of God, feel the powerful emotion the Holy Spirit can bring you, see life with God's Goggles, if you will, haha. So, what would you suggest I do? Do you have any advice/suggestions? Or should I just suck it up and move on? Thank you for reading.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Rahzie covered all the important stuff so I'll just add my two cents.
I'm agnostic. Think of it as Athiest Lite. They functionally believe that there is no God or higher power of any kind. That there is in fact an absence there. I don't believe anything. Maybe there's a God, maybe there isn't, maybe the greeks had it right all along. Whatever is true I have never experienced anything in my life that would give me cause to feel spiritual or religious.
I do think Buddhism is kinda cool though. I'm not Buddhist, I just admire them as a spiritual movement.
I used to be Christian. I have my reasons for not being one anymore but it really boils down to the fact that I lost my faith when I realized there was never a credible reason to have it in the first place.
Alot of agnostics and atheists are the same. That doesn't generally change back. It's not a decision, it's an epiphany. Short of a new and different epiphany, those viewpoints are there to stay.
Betting on someone having a specific epiphany in any part of their life is a hail mary if I ever heard of one.
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Your question is: "How often do atheists change their minds?" I'm not sure there is an answer to this question, at least not the answer you are looking for.
The answer to many of the questions we receive is a need for the parties involved to communicate. It is apparent that you have some real feelings for this guy though there is only one thing that would keep you from committing to him, That being his atheists beliefs.
While I have my doubts about their being true atheists, given to the saying; "there are no atheists in foxholes." Would you feel any different if his views on religion were that he was an agnostic or of another religion such as Judaism or Protestant and firm in his religious belief as you are. As for any children most religions hold that a child is the product of its mother and therefore the religion of the mother. Something to keep in mind.
One thing that is important in any relationship is communication. You have an issue that really needs to be discussed between you two before you go writing off someone who may have just as many feelings for you as you have for him.
I will tell you what I have told my son. This is not a perfect world. There is not many custom fits to be had. In fact we are a world of off that rack opportunities that we tailor to fit.
This is what I see in what you have written. You have a man you could see yourself having a life with but for one factor. That factor is his belief in being an atheist. You ask in a sense can he change his mind on this? No one can answer this but him. You ask what about children and their religious up bringing? Again this is a question that needs to be discussed between the two of you as it would need to be discussed between people of two different religions.
Right now I see your dilemma though I cannot offer a solution as you have not taken the next step needed to see if there is a resolution or if you need to find someone else.
The only suggestion, the only appropriate suggestion that can be offered at this time is that you two need to discuss this one question concerning your relationship to see if it is a permanent road block to a happy future for you both.
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Edit in response to feedback:
I can only read what you write. Not what you don't.
I think you are responding to the question you thought you wrote down, and the not the one you actually asked. You were worried about sounding snobby, so you assumed I was treating you like a snob. I wasn't. I was responding to what you wrote down. I might have made errors in my assumptions - that happens - but that doesn't mean my assumptions were irrational or even unfair.
Your question doesn't become about atheists in general until your third paragraph. You asked "How would we raise our kids?" That's not a rhetorical question! That's the kind of problem you are thinking about with this guy - and it's a valid concern and totally legitimate question! But questions like that are also part of a fantasy you are creating for yourself (along with dwelling on his wonderfulness before you fall asleep at night) because they miss the bigger point.
The bigger point is that you told us "I want to date someone I can imagine marrying" and "I could never marry an atheist." So there will be no co-parenting with this guy. You've already decided he is undatable.
You have said there is something about him that you cannot tolerate in a boyfriend or husband. That's not snobby, and it doesn't make you are bad person, but it does mean he's not your match.
You clearly hope that he will change this one thing that you see as a serious flaw and deal-breaker! You don't need to deny that! It doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't matter if you hope it for him, or for yourself (but at least be this honest with yourself: How much time do you spend hoping guys you don't have a crush on will find God?)
Most of us want other people to embrace the truths we think make the world a better place, that doesn't make you bad to admit that is what is going on here - it only makes you a bad match for him, if he is fact, a proud atheist.
Your choices, you requirements, and your words make this guy a bad match for you. I didn't do that. You told me that that was the case, so I told you what you told us.
You have become fixated on someone with deal-breaker. You asked us how often that deal breaker goes away - and the answer is 'Not Very Often'.
If you had asked "How do I figure out how to date someone with very different beliefs than mine? Can that work?" I could have offered very different advice, but that isn't what you asked. You asked how often people like him change, and what you could do to help him change.
I know your intentions are basically good, but they are also deeply biased. Think for a moment how you would feel if someone you like and respect asked that about your beliefs. "I know this really cool girl, except she's a Christian. I can't date a Christian. So how likely is it that she'll stop being a Christian? And how can I help her to see how much more respectful and loving you can be to all people when you aren't limited by Christian belief?"
Even if the person who asked that about you had no intention of lecturing you or whatever the atheist equivalent or 'bible thumping' would be, even if they really wished it for you because they thought it would be best for you, even so, wouldn't that feel even a bit disrespectful? Wouldn't it hurt that someone rejected you based on a part of yourself that you feel has value and goodness? Would you feel misunderstood and unfairly judged? It's certainly something to consider.
But regardless of how you feel about the answer to that question, right now, you need to let your feelings for this guy go.
I don't think you are a lovesick child. I don't think there is anything wrong with what you say you want. You should go get it. I think its just fine not to want to date an atheist, but I do thing you are someone who hasn't had enough bad or failing relationships to have learned the correct response to a deal-breaker, which is to:
Suck it up and move on.
You want the real truth, the real, mature, human answer to your question: Ask to him about this.
If his atheism is important to him and how he sees the world, then ask him about it without clinging to hope that he'll change his mind. At least attempt to accept it as part the wonderfulness of who he is, and not a inherent flaw or deficit.
It doesn't mean you need to change your mind about dating him - I'm not recommending that. What I'm recommending is that you do the hard work it takes to truly recognize the humanity and goodness of someone who believes differently than you do, and begin to build a more honest friendship with this guy you think is awesome, rather than dwelling on your own ideas about who he is, and who you wish he was.
You'll be a richer, happier person, with more cool friends, if you can do that.
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Suck it up and move on.
Seriously, you haven't even been in a one-on-one situation with this guy outside of work and you are already trying to figure out how you'd co-parent? You don't have a crush - you have a fantasy. It's happening, in all honesty, in part because you don't have enough experiences with romance and relationships to know how to not get carried away with your own imaginings.
Don't carry on this way. You'll end up creating a vision of him in your mind that is entirely divorced from who he truly is. That always spells trouble.
Do atheists convert to religious beliefs? Sure, it does happen. A minority of atheists do convert to one form of religious belief or another, rarely Christianity (most atheist converts in the US convert to Eastern belief systems, or identify theists or deists without affiliation to any major religion). It's lower than the percentage of religious people who become atheists or non-religious. Is there any reason, at all, to believe this particular guy will convert (and convert to the kind of religious beliefs that would be please you)? No. None at all.
So move on. He doesn't have what you say you are looking for. It's actually a bit disrespectful to date someone hoping and dreaming they'll change their religious beliefs. Either accept the great guy he is (including his atheism, not in spite of it) or don't date him at all.
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This kind of thing is different with each person.
My current boyfriend is a great guy, he is everything I ever wanted. I'm a Christian though and I realized how hard it could be sometimes to have different beliefs, especially when I felt so strongly about them. He was an atheist. I really liked him, so I went for it. We had talked about it beforehand because I know a lot of relationships that failed because of different beliefs. We obviously didn't push each other to believe what we believed. We were accepting. He also would go to church with me every once in awhile. Eventually, without me even talking to him, he converted.
That doesn't always happen. A lot of atheists would not even be open minded like he was.
Another example is my dad. He's from India and didn't believe anything because he believed religion is a lie.
My mom and I are Christians and my mom didn't push her beliefs on him either. After years and years he came to church but only because he liked what they taught. He just didn't believe in God until last year.
I believe that it could work but only if you aren't pushy and you accept him. It is so much harder to do that as a Christian because the things we believe like dying and going to hell, ect and we don't want that happening to our loved ones so it ruins the relationship because they don't believe it.
So this choice is up to you. If you believe that you can be with this guy and not try to convert him, then try. If you don't want to marry an athiest for sure, then don't date him. I mean I'm positive he's not the only great guy in this world.
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I come from a hardcore Christian background. Perhaps I can give you some things to think about
I married a Christian man at age 20. Was a virgin, he wasn't. He could hear from God as I could, had many spiritual experiences, was an usher, part of mens group, a home group (cell group) leader, teachers in a Childrens Wed. night program. We were as involved as could be. Was I happily married? NO!
I wish he had been everything that you mention your atheist friend is. Mine was verbally abusive and it increased over the years. Due to how the church frowns on divorce, trust God to heal your marriage, I stayed with him 30 yrs. It was God that told me to leave him or I would be dead within 4 years. I left. I have since run into people who are of different faiths in a marriage and because they are mature people who do not force their partner to change views and are accepting of where they are at, it works. Looking back, I did not gain anything being married to a Christian. We were not even sexually compatible...30 yrs of that too on top of all else.
God showed me that some of the ideals I was clinging to were 'man made within the church" ideals. The notion that we must not be unequally yoked was more about 2 persons sharing equal work toward making the marriage work rather than being of 2 different faiths. God told me that much of the Word has been twisted by the church over hundreds of years to represent something other than God meant it to be. I have learned it is best, when anything concerns me, to get my info straight from the horses mouth...so to speak. So I have developed a good rapport with God and trust Him of-course to show me what is best for me. Why not ask God yourself? There is no guarantee a Hard core Christian will be perfect for you. No guarantee the Atheist will be either although he sounds real nice. God looks at the heart of an individual, right? And no matter how much we are told to witness to people, the pressure to convert thing, it has become is sooo wrong. Leading man to the right spiritual path has always been the Holy Spirits job, not ours. God is the one who quickens our hearts. Our only job is to be willing to be a sign post...in case someone asks why we have such peace...point the way. But how many Christians have people come up and ask for direction...hardly any because in my time in church...I saw that the majority did not know how to love themselves let alone their supposed fellow christians. And that meant they certainly did not see people of other beliefs or non beliefs to all be their brothers and sisters too, souls all created by God, all here to learn some lessons. How they learn is different for each one as it is in school with kids having different learning styles. One can't be forced to adopt a learning style that is not theirs. It does not work. If forced on some kid, the kid will drop school. I still believe in Jesus, have a closer relationship than during my church days, but I also have learned to trust Holy Spirit to teach them what they need and be open to love everyone for who they are...not as a convert prospect. It's that energy we Christians put out there that people can pick up like a strong scent and it repels them.
If you can not bring yourself to look at your friend as a convert project, then you must let him go. But somewhere in your life, I am betting you will come up across something similar if this is what God is working on in you. So go to God and be truly willing to hear anything He says. He will give no answer until He knows you are ready to hear...which could be weeks, months, a year or two. Blessings to you dear.
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I have been an atheist for two years and nothing on the planet could change my mind unless Jesus himself knocked on my front door.
This is my point of view, I cannot speak for others. Everyone is their own person.
If it's a problem for you, I suggest you move on. There's nothing more annoying in this world then someone trying to convert you.
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