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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

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I know that this sounds crazy. This "gym anxiety" isn't what you think. It's not as though I'm nervous to go because I think people are going to judge me or anything like that. I use to be a gym rat. I was there twice a day or once a day, but at least 2-3 hours. At this point, I was already diagnosed with an eating disorder and I was excessively thin.

Until one day, I had a really severe panic attack at the gym.

Recently, I started getting back into fitness. Not that crazy though. Not that intense. I started walking and eventually jogging for about an hour each day. I felt great. But, I live in Florida and it started to get super got outside as the summer months drew close, so I got a gym membership just to stay cool and exercise. I was also bitten a little dog (poor thing, lol, I'm not mad at him, but it did hurt) and realized that the gym was likely a safer alternative and one where I wouldn't have as many excuses (weather conditions, etc.). I can't really run outside if its raining, its too hot, etc. So, the gym, in my eyes, was worth it.

The thing is, that every so often, I start getting that panicky feeling. I've been a member now for about three months and can only go 2-3 times a week. The other 2-3 days, I jog outside. I think it could be two things:
1) my body might be re-living the trauma of me starving myself and working out excessively
2) subconsciously, I'm afraid of having another panic attack (which breeds more panic)

So, how can I make use the gym? Will I ever get over this? I have been suffering from this now for a few years and I just don't know if it will ever get better.

Reaching out to see if anyone could pour some wisdom my way.

Hon, you nailed it. The two reasons you gave I believe are spot on. The bigger problem might be your subconscious mind. Think of your subconscious as being like a totally different person inside of you with its own beliefs and feelings. There are no problems when your awake conscious self and subc. mind are in sync, pretty much the same on most things. You want to excercise and know its a thing of the past but your subconscious which is where all our emotions come from, ia reliving the past. Sometimes it simply believes that what you focus your thoughts on most is what you want rather than what you don't want or don't want to repeat. Panic attacks are scary. But I've heard that they can be easily taken care of without meds by working with the subconscious mind.
SO you can either talk to it like it was another person, reassuring it. I am not crazy here, it works. I used to be afraid of the dentist, or rather, my subconscious was so be reassuring and telling her there was no need to be scared yet because we weren't at the dentist yet, or still in the waiting room, or only sitting in the chair getting xrays, etc. I worked my subconscious to stay relatively relaxed up to the point I was getting my teeth worked on. Since then, no more terror at going to the dentist. This doesn't work for everyone who tries in which case I would recommend a visit or two with a hypnotist. A hypnotist works with the subconscious mind and gives it direct suggestions. A good friend went to one after a boss tried to scare her into dropping dishes as a waitress. One time she got scalded from the accident he caused and her subconscious was then afraid it would happen again and she acted jumpy and nervous. So she saw a hypnotist who told her subc. that she would not spook ever again, steady nerves and she would not jump or be nervous. Back at work, her boss gave up when he saw he could no longer spook her. So try on your own and if it doesn't work, I'd go see a hypnotist. If you are afraid and wondering about the credentials of one, you could talk to your Dr. and ask if they give referals but most tend to not understand much about the subconscious and trying to heal that first before medicating and may want to send you to a psychiatrist. You dont need one for this. If all else fails and you want to see one, call some naturopath offices and ask if they have any hypnotist they can steer you towards.
Good luck dear.

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To start we're both in our mid 20's and young professionals. It's been a while since either of us have seriously dated anybody, but we get along so well and I really want things to work out long term. I've honestly never felt that way before about anybody and although I wouldn't say I'm "in love" with him yet, I do think he's absolutely amazing and I would be devastated if we broke up because I think we could go so far together.

Due to this I've been doing everything I can to make him happy. I don't complain about anything and I've been going out of my way to do sweet things for him.

I've honestly never thought so much of somebody before and I have a lot of respect for him.

I also realize this isn't particularly healthy for myself though. I've caught myself wanting to dress and style myself in ways that he likes and being more submissive and just in general making sure I'm saying/doing things he likes rather than being myself. Before I met him I would work 75 hour weeks and take classes, lately I've been taking nights off work to spend time with him and staying up late even on my nights off just to be with him.


I think about him all the time and sometimes (when I don't take the night off, but could) I'll go to work just to keep my mind off of him.

I've never been so serious about somebody or felt like that before and I've been in long term relationships before. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I should distance myself because I've always been the girl who works really hard is and is all about her job and schooling and boys come last.

Help?

At 20, you haven't had a chance to learn and develop who you are yet. Yes, you are a young adult but usually its end of the twenties or at 30 that a person redefines who they are and will be for rest of their life, not what someone else wants them to be, or trying to change who you are to make someone happy.
See the trick is finding someone who is perfect for you because neither of you have to change to be perfect for each other.

I was quite alarmed therefore at some things you said, so I will go through what you wrote bit by bit to cover my thoughts.

'I've honestly never felt that way before about anybody' And the reason why is due to your age. If you were 45 and said that, it would make sense. There was more life and dating experience. So it is not surprising that you never felt like this before. Just know that this guy may not be the only one out there who can make you feel this way. Feelings are good but you can't trust feelings alone to choose the perfect partner. I assume you will want a man who has yes only for you and will stick with you life long, marry you, treat you like a Queen and be a great father.

'I would be devastated if we broke up because I think we could go so far together' Everyone feels devastated when they are in a break up because this kind of thing really hurts the heart. It doesnt matter if the person they break up with was a great person, or a really crappy one, feelings will make you hurt till you recover in time.

'I've been doing everything I can to make him happy. I don't complain about anything'
You state the reason you do what you can to make him happy is that you want to be able to go far with him. This is what gave me the greatest alarm.
Hon, I married at age 20 and I had the feelings and I did what you did. I learned the hard way that I was doing nice things for the wrong reason. In a way, I was willing to change who I was, not expect anything from him and just do do do for him to prove I could be the sweet little wife. I am not jaded because of my experience. I have forgiven and see him at family events and am still wondering what I saw in him back then. I am not the only one. My grown kids now see that in many ways he has always been the problem and still is. He can't hold onto a girlfriend since I left. I only stayed as long as I did (30 yrs) because the church taught no divorce and to trust God to heal our marriage. That's another story. But how this applies to you, Your guy is not really put in a place of having to learn how to treat you as a Queen. You don't complain. That IS a problem. If there is something even something little he can change that isn't about changing his personality but just certain actions that anyone might do and you don't like, heavens, don't keep silent. He will think there's nothing wrong. Guys get fall into being lazy if the women is always doing something for him. I suspect my exs previous girlfriends did that for him. So although there is sex, everything else falls into the catagory of you being his Mommy. You are training him to be an unattentive husband. You are not his slave. Anything special should be done by both of you for each other. I highly doubt a 20 year old man has learned that yet. Men are still in training to learn how to be a good mate and how to treat a woman right. Don't mess this up. Just be yourself. I didn't I changed my hair color and how I dressed and everything short of surgery. He wanted me to change my nose and get a boob job. I didn't. Turns out, from what I can see of the women he has dated since me, I was petite and small. They are all big boned or overweight women. Maybe he didn't really know what he wanted. And that is something I like the share with you so you can be clear on what you need and want from a guy and what would be a deal breaker. The one month mark is still not late to start. If interested, ask for my document, Finding Mr. Right. He may be it but if you go through all these steps, you will know for sure...with your mind, not just what your heart says. I guess the 40 hour week is a thing of the past. Because 75 hours seems extreme. Maybe you are trying to save up, but those hours are unhealthy for any relationship. If he were the one who was working that much and you weren't, how would you feel. On the other hand, you really shouldn't change your plans to fit him in. Heres my own story about long hours and my 2nd husband. I met him online. We were around 50 in age so we had a good idea of what we were looking for and what it took to trust a person and what behavior was not acceptable. He told me he saw my profile a year earlier and never wrote. He thought the long hours he worked would not be good for a new relationship. He was doing 10-12 days and also going in Saturday mornings. That left Sunday and evenings at 7 to 8:30 before he got home. So we met those times and in a short while realized we probably had found our life mate. However, there is more one can learn and still decide no, this person isn't right and that you learn from moving in together. We did and that helped with being able to see each other in little bits. Eventually he lost that job, downsizing and got another and we had a regular life together. At time, he was working those hours because he had a teen age daughter same age as my youngest, living with him and supporting her. With those hours, he could pay all bills easily and my pay went into savings for us. I got a great improvement in husbands. This one puts me on a pedestal. He won't allow me to carry anything other than my purse, claiming he wants to be my work horse. He is attentive, listens when I need him to and opens doors for me, asks me to relax because he wants to cook, clean or do the laundry. His parents taught him well. I of course do special things for him too but half the time, he is just lavishing sweet actions on me. We are not a new couple, this is the way it is still at 9 years together. But I was picky and employed the things that I have saved in that document, Finding Mr. Right. ITs as much about knowing yourself, like what you put in a resume your strengths and weaknesses and desires in life/goals. I had to be clear and like an open book willing to share all about me, even things that I like that another person might not. If you like working long hours, or want to finish school, then he needs to know you are a bit of the work a holic, or that you are saving up for a car, a home of your own, etc...
If you change your schedule to be with him, he needs to know its only for him and that normally you are quite different. After a point in time, you will be itching to go back to the schedule that comforts you and then he may feel neglected. He needs to know now whether you and he are possibly compatible on the biggie issues like work hours. It's one thing if you;re in debt as a couple and both have to work hard to get rid of debt but that should be for a periond of time, not life long. If you write to me, you MUST do so by going to my column and clicking the button to send me a message. Too many lately must think I am rude, evne though I warned them I can not respond from their comment in the rating portion of this site. YOu must treat this like a brand new question, even if you are responding back to my invite, and write to me from my column. I wish you well dear.




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I'm 16. I consider myself straight and had never done anything with another girl until this summer. My friend persuaded me to experiment and I found I really enjoy doing things with her. Part of it is because there's no worrying about getting pregnant. We can just have fun.

We've had a couple sleepovers this summer. We told her parents we were just gonna stay up late and watch movies and stuff. But after they'd gone to bed we would have sex.

I'm struggling with what all this means. Am I really not straight but gay? Or bi? Should I bother worrying about it? Or should I relax and just enjoy it?

I also worry about how her parents and mine will react if they ever find out. They're really conservative.

What do you think I should do?

Hon, this is normal. You can be straight as a teen and for the sake of not wanting to get pregnant, have sex with a girl. And of course, sex is enjoyable if you have partner who cares about working on you as much as you enjoy working on her.
Another plus from this is that you learn what you do like and not. THis helps when you are older and have a male for sex, you will be able to explain to him what it is that you like rather than go through the learning stage about your body with him. The only learning with a new partner is what they like. As for the parents, I understand as I was conservation when I was younger. You dont have to tell them. Some churches are very uptight about sex and even alternative medicine. I know. I used to hear all that stuff myself. Supposedly even masturbation was evil. Exploring ones sexuality is actually a healthy and smart thing to do, as long as you are staying safe from disease and to not get pregnant. So you shouldn't worry that you are doing anything wrong. Some church leaderships can go quite overboard on what they teach. Even people who don't attend church seem to pick up these ideas. Make sure to be careful so they don't find out. Make sure covers are over you in case they happen to enter bedroom unless it has a locking door. You can always say you were having a tickle fight and do some laughing. You are definitely old enough to be exploring and engaging in sex with a female so just enjoy it.

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25/f

I left my teaching job mid-year so I could search for a job that I loved. My whole life, I have had jobs that I have hated. It took 4 months of unemployment to find my current job.

And I love my current job. However, I am in a financial crisis. I am in debt and I am trying to pay it off. I am trying to move out of my apartment and get my own (because I am not happy in my relationship), and I will need a new car, or a new-used car.

Based on my calculations to pay off my debt, and to get everything I need, if I stay with my boyfriend and keep my current job, it will take YEARS.

If I break up with my boyfriend, I will definitely be struggling and the only way I can do this on my own is if I quit the job I currently have and love to go back to teaching (which is the job that I hate).

What do you think I should do?

Besides debt consolidation, you might check around for an interim place to live. Near colleges, sometime the elderly or those whose kids have left home, will rent out a bedroom to a college aged student or single person. Renting a room and having common areas, is going to be cheaper than getting your own apartment. I agree you need to leave the boyfriend if its not going well and you shouldn't settle for a job that you hate. Just think of how you'd feel each morning when the alarm goes off and its time to get ready to go to a job you can't stand. Nothing makes the time drag all day like a job you hate. I understand you need money. Perhaps there is something very part time you can also do to bring in extra money. You and those you are most close to will probably come up with some good ideas. My only idea right now for extra income and keeping the job you like, is to consider doing tutoring in whatever subject you wish. This way you aren't dealing with an entire class and can set rules like if for any reason in the first month that either the kid and its parents or yourself find it isn't a good match, then either can cancel the arrangement. I did that with home daycare of toddlers and older. Some adults and children need to be good personality matches for it to work, nothing wrong with you or the student. I know a retired teacher who gave private English lessons to those wanting to learn better English. Sometimes doing this one on one is less embarrassing for an adult who is less likely to take a class. I also know a person who taught flute lessons, one stay at home mom that the school recommended for private Oboe lessons that my daughter wanted to take. With the teaching degrees, it would be easy to get clients. Not sure where you would advertise this but perhaps that is something you can do by referral basis with teachers, schools that you let know of your availability. I hope this is all something you can work out. I wouldn't take on new car payments. If you don't want to get a used car off a lot, try repossessed cars. Thats how I got my first car, or auctions by towing companies. Find a guy who is a mechanic will to make a few extra dollars by going with you to help inspect cars you might be interested in. Its worth it in the long run.

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we went for ice cream and the park....i had fun...but ....i know not everyone wants to screw after the first date but then again...why ask me to his place.... same shyt, diff guy....will it ever end....smdh, everybodies isnt a hoe ...there are a handful of folks who have some type of morals....this is a HUGE dating turn off for me....and why I like to turn down dates when dudes ask me out


my friend replied to my question with the following


No, it will never end. If you're going to date guys, then you're going to get asked for sex. Adults have sex, that's reality. Having it on the first date would be too soon, though, IMO.


Hon, refusing to have sex before marriage doesn't make you "moral" or better than anyone else - it simply makes you someone who doesn't want to have sex before marriage. I think you'd have better luck dating guys who are very religious. The whole "purity" thing doesn't make sense to most people who are not religious.

I replied
I don't think im better than anyone else cuz ive remained pure and moral by choice, I am not a toy...sex after the first date or the 10th date and not married is whorish....

whos right or wrong here

Hi hon. Sorry to hear things have not been going good for you. I married at 20, a Christian guy. We never had sex before marriage. Shortly after marriage, he began to verbally abuse me, treated me worse than he treated friends, and plus we had no chemistry in bed and he was never turned on by me, yet we produced 3 kids. I was just a female body to f**k when the urge which was seldom, arose and yet he had the guts to call me frigid.
I am not sure if your objection is to sex on the first date, on the second or just before marriage.

You are welcome to your own thoughts on this so if you want to wait til marriage, just keep in mind, you might not know what you are getting in bed until you're already married. If you are okay with that, great. Try as suggested, a Christian singles dating site. Other wise, if just objecting to sex early in dating, that is a good thing. There are two parts to the foundation of a good solid rewarding and successful relationship.
ONe is being each others best friend and the other is something best friends usually dont do, its the sexual chemistry, being each others sexual equal, the romance. I will say here that I had the high libido which meant I wanted sex regularly and he had a low libido, so he only wanted it seldom and only when he wanted, not when I did.
In todays world with all the bullying and name calling, I can understand feeling like someone might call you a whore but a good relationship is having both a best friend and also the terrific lover. I told my girls to never mind what our church taught about waiting til marriage. I said that if they found a guy whom they thought might be the one to marry, then it might be better to 'test drive' the guy first. That's how I said it and I explained, that people will test drive a new car but cars come and go during your life. A husband is supposed to be for your whole life so its even more important to get the one you really like. And of the two married, they indeed did have sex before marriage at some point.

I do agree with you that if a guy likes you enough on a first date, he should invest more time into getting to know you. Sex early on can sometimes happen if there is a great sexual pull on both but for the most part, if a guy tries for sex early, he is sending the message that you aren't worth getting to know as a friend, only as a lover. True, its important to him to know what you are like as a lover but he is showing his priorities. A guy shouldn't be skipping the friendship part and instead give it a chance, to get to know your personality and character first. Then if he's still interested, sex is appropriate. I met my 2nd husband online after meeting many many 'frogs'...guys who weren't truly a prince of a man. My husband was a gentleman and let it be known by his compliments that he found me beautiful and was interested. But he left it also to me to make the first move for even a kiss, and later sex. He was willing but he made sure I was given the chance to decide when. He also believed a couple should eventually try sex to see how they do before they get locked into marriage. But even with that belief, he left it to me. It truly is hard to find the right guy. But it can be done dear. I have a list of criteria I came up with for the kind of guy I need and want and put that on my dating site. Many said I was too picky. But I also found the majority of men were impressed and actually liked the challenge to prove themselves to me. It seems that sticking to what you want, without having to explain yourself to them, comes across as appealing to men because it conveys you have self confidence and are not going to put up with crap. I already did that the first time around. I learned my lesson. Eventually my husband wrote to me. He put it off for a year because he thought I was too good to be true, that I was full of shit as he said. But once we met, he realized I was the real thing, genuine and we fell for each other. Just stick to what you want, don't settle for less. If you get too much more of this and want to find the guy to marry, you might try one of those dating sites for pay. The kind of guys who get on there are more likely to be serious about finding the right woman and less into playing games and all the other crap. I wish you well dear.

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25/f

I am talking to a guy. Let's call him Andrew.

I met Andrew through mutual friends and I immediately had a crush on him. But I didn't do anything for years until later this year.

I didn't really talk to him until then. When we first met up, I wasn't attracted to him. I was just getting to know him. When we first met up, he kissed me. He told me he thought we had immediate chemistry and he wanted to take me out on a date. I agreed.

The next time we met, we kissed again. He said he wanted to see me again but he was going on an international trip for a month. He said he was going to travel to many places during this time. He asked I would be seeing a lot more of him when he got back.

During the month he was gone, we were speaking everyday. However, the things he was telling me were missing so many puzzle pieces. It was as if I was putting together a beauty and the beast puzzle but was getting pieces from nine other puzzles, and none of the puzzles had all of the pieces.

For example, he was apparently traveling to Europe, Australia, etc. but was still awake while we were awake and was inactive/asleep while we were asleep. If you were international, you would think there would be a time difference.

I also found out geography was not his greatest strength because he somehow had internet the whole time when he flew from Melborne, Australia, to Moscow, Russia. He also was apparently buying his tickets at the last minute. That would be very expensive.

At some point, I started getting suspicious and asked some of my close friends who met him before I did. Once I mentioned his names, my friends immediately got cautious and became overprotective. But it's because none of them knew what he did for a living, none of them really knew anything about him, either. Which became a red flag.

My friend has a friend who went to school with Andrew. He was told he didn't have suits back then, he wasn't going to bars, and he was fairly nerdy. But he didn't know much about him because they didn't hang out.

I ended up doing a background check on him and everyone that kept coming up was a different age. I had to confirm with Andrew's former classmate, that he lied about his age by only three years.

Now that I think about it, I pieced it together. It explained why him and his friend looked at each other weirdly when he said he was 26. He's really 29. I can't wrap my head around why he would lie to me in the first place. It also explains when he told me his sister was 36, I said that was a large age gap, by a decade. And he paused and had to think to himself, realizing that he had lied to be previously.

I have not confronted him, yet. That's because I have not seen him since he's gotten back. We tried meeting up, but we were not successful. He wants me to see him tomorrow, but I'm not sure if that's going to fall through, either.

I don't know why he lied. I don't know if he was saying this to impress me, or if he's trying to impress those who went to high school with him (proving that he's different). I don't know if he's just messing with me. I don't know what he wants from me. All I was told by other people, was to be wary of him.

What are your opinions? What do you think I should do?

There's always a chance he never left and was doing something else, somewhere in the U.S. instead of traveling the world. A person like him doesn't have money to travel unless he won the lottery or has rich parents to spoil him.

Either way, it doesn't matter why he lied, you are seeing his true character and lies is just the first glaring issue. You won't be able to ever trust him fully which is crucial to a good relationship.

I met my 2nd husband on internet dating. Before I met him, I met lots of liars. I specifically said no smokers, as I am allergic to cigarette smoke. This one guy eventually gave me a ride in his car and it smelled so heavy of cigarette smoke eaten into everything. When I asked, he said his son uses his car lots and smokes. Then one day I caught him not thinking and reaching into a pocket to pull out his cigarettes. I ended it and he called to leave lots of mean phone messages cus he was so angry I wouldnt put up with that.
Another guy wrote in his profile he didn't like coffee shops so he would never go to one. Thats where I usually scheduled a first meet up. So when I called him I said that we could meet somewhere other than a coffee shop. He asked why. I said because he wrote he doesn't like them. He said he does like them. SO I asked why his profile says that he doesn't. He got raging angry and started yelling at me saying 'I have a right to change my mind if I want to." I agreed but said He might want to take that part out of his profile then and told him I changed my mind, that I wasn't going to meet him or consider him. I blocked him on this site too. So a week later, he writes again under a different name and different area of residence. So when I open my mail, I see the same guys photo. I immediately blocked that one too. Did he think I was an idiot and wouldn't recognize his photo? I understand your guy is in his 20s or almost out of them. I was doing this after a divorce later in life and the men who wrote to me, were late forties to age 60 and were still doing this crap of lying. My thoughts are they were not doing their lying to impress me. They were hoping that I would fall in love with them and then be willing to put up with all their shenanigans. THis guy could be hoping you will cave and be willing to settle for less. Don't! You can't change a man. He has to be just right, exactly what you want in a man right now, not later because as I discovered, some liars remain liars way into their older years when they've had plenty time to change for the better but chose not to.

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So, I was recently rejected by my crush. But he was super nice about it, and we're still friends. I was having a lot of trouble getting over him. Summer break finally rolls around, and not seeing him has helped me a bunch. Just recently, I want to say about a week or two ago, he's started popping into my dreams. It's not the same dream every time though, it's a different dream where he always makes an appearance. We usually talk most of the time in the dream. For example, last nights dream we were riding a bus. He was in the seat behind me and we just talked to each other. Sometimes my dreams aren't so platonic. Other times were holding hands or touching shoulders. I really need to move on, but these dreams aren't letting me! Any advice on why these dreams are happening and what I can do to stop them would be a big help. Thanks!

Your subconscious mind (SM)is in control when you are asleep. The SM also loves to help their person get their wishes. It assumes that what you most focus your thoughts on, whether good or bad, that it is something you desire and will do it's best to make that happen. My guess, since the guy said no, your subconscious is trying to give him to you in your dreams in case that helps.

The best thing you can do is talk to yourself while awake, every time your subconscious gets you started thinking about him. You can do this inside your head if in public but its a good idea to talk aloud to your SM while alone. What you say is, "I want to stop thinking about him. He is not interested in me and my dreaming about him is not going to change things so stop the dreams and stop thinking about him. You may think it won't work and it will seem it doesn't. I had to do the same but not for a breakup or rejection but something else where I was taken captive by thoughts for something I could not have. These thoughts are crazy because they keep coming every couple minutes in the beginning. Just keep repeating the request to stop. Slowly it will change to once an hour, couple times a day, once a week and then a more normal once every couple months. Its okay if you are healed and there is no pain in remembering anything that you no longer have or can't have. So I am not saying you can't ever let a thought of him cross your mind, as long as you are really over it. The reason you felt better over summer not seeing him is part of the healing. Spending time with him as a friend is not going to help you heal. If you truly want to be a friend, don't do it until you are totally over him. Okay, maybe this all sounds corny but your SM is more powerful and does more than you give it credit. Give it something to focus on.

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I am having some issues with my father. For example, I am planning a trip to Monterey and San Jose for my next birthday. While I am there, I plan to visit the Monterey Bay Aquarium and the Rosicrucian Egyptian Museum. For example, for one of our disagreements, I would like to have lunch at a nearby sit-down restaurant in either Monterey, Pacific Grove, Pebble Beach, or Carmel. For example, I suggested having lunch at Roy’s in Pebble Beach on my birthday, but my father is against the idea. I think it is because a sit-down restaurant will slow us down. Plus Roy’s can have slow service, but I have eaten there twice and both visits went fairly quickly. My father would prefer to have lunch at the Monterey Bay Aquarium. I have had some negative experiences with cafeteria food, but my cousin and his wife had lunch at the Monterey Bay Aquarium’s cafeteria a couple years ago and they enjoyed it, so it might be worth a try. For another disagreement, my father will not let me invite my former neighbors from San Jose (who now live in Pebble Beach), a former classmate of mine who lives in Monterey, and a friend of mine who lives in San Jose. He says that he does not want to invite my former neighbors because they are his friends and not mine. I would like to see these people again because I used to see them all the time when I was younger, but I am not sure if that will ever happen. He did not give me a reason for not allowing me to invite my friend in Monterey, but my mother says that she finds him to be an annoying person. I also would like to invite a friend of mine who lives in San Jose, but his sister’s birthday is two days after mine, so she may want to celebrate her birthday that weekend. In 2014, I invited this friend of mine to come to my birthday dinner, but he could not go because he and his family went to Las Vegas for his sister’s twenty-first birthday. Another conflict is that his aunt’s birthday is the same day as mine and her next birthday is going to be her sixtieth birthday. We are also having a disagreement about my birthday dinner. For example, I originally wanted to go to Teske’s Germania for my birthday dinner, but I am now thinking Straits or Rosie McCann’s because my father went to Straits for his birthday dinner and because my birthday is the day before Saint Patrick’s Day, I may want to have corned beef and cabbage for dinner on my birthday. However, a friend of mine and her boyfriend will be joining me for dinner that night. My friend dislikes Santana Row, but it is closer to her boyfriend’s house in Santa Clara than Teske’s Germania. Plus Teske’s Germania has a rule against using cell phones in the dining room and an average dinner at the restaurant can last up to two-and-a-half hours. I have tried telling my father the pros and cons about each restaurant, but he always tells me to stick with Teske’s Germania. For my next issue, I originally wanted to stop in Santa Cruz on the way to San Jose, but my parents and a friend of mine I might be bringing on the trip want to skip Santa Cruz so we can spend more time in Monterey. I originally wanted to do Mystery Spot and/or Exit Santa Cruz, but my parents do not want to do neither of them because they find both places to be confining. I also wanted to visit this French linens store in Capitola named Petite Provence, but my parents are against it. The reasons why are because although my mother was once into decorating her interiors with French country decorations, she is no longer interested in it. Another reason why my parents do not want to go is because the last time we went shopping there, my parents got a call from the nursing home my late grandmother was living at at the time saying that she was having high anxiety and she died the following morning. So it brings back bad memories for my parents. For my final two issues, I would like to visit the Wings of History Museum in San Martin, but my father does not want to go because he went there once before, but I have never seen it. I would also like to attend a 3:30 PM Planetarium show at the Rosicrucian Egyptian Museum, but my father does not want to do it because we would have to leave Monterey at 2:00 PM in order to make it on time for the show and he feels like we are rushing. I would like to see the show because it sounds interesting and it is narrated by Robert Redford, but it looks like it may not happen. I hope you can help me resolve these issues with my father.

You are an adult. I don't know if you're in college only, college and working or plain old working. Why I wonder is this: It depends on who is paying for this trip. You may consider it your Birthday present in which case it is reasonable to get what you want. However Dad probably doesn't see this trip as your present if He's paying for the whole thing. That's an expensive present considering everything like gasoline, parking fees, meals, entry for shows. If Dad is paying for everything, then he gets to decide what he is willing to pay for and what he won't. If you have your own money, you might have a conversation about things you will cover/pay for. See if that helps. If you already are planning to spend your own money for the whole trip, and Dad is only transportation and company, then you may want to rethink how to do this without Dad in the equation. It's quite simple dear, no adult can be convinced to do something they don't want to do and its worse if the person trying to convince them is their child, adult or not.

I hope you have a drivers license. Even if you don't have your own car, you can rent one for the duration but must be able to pay the rental and insurance for the days you need it. Check first and see which of the friends you want to see for your birthday can afford to attend and are free those days. If it ends up just you and a one girlfriend, you'll probably have a much more fun time than hanging out with a reluctant Dad. Lets say you can't drive, no license. What about the friend? Can she come get you first and then go back. Or these neighbors...perhaps they want to go and could be your ride.

Or, you might go for two birthday celebrations. Its fairly common when you get one party where just your work friends are throwing it for you and a separate one for family and childhood friends.
You could go to Monterey on Dads terms and also plan your own party for a separate date. If living with the parents, they may not want a party in their home, so you'd have to see who would be able to allow you to have one at their place, or rent a room. Local libraries or community centers have rooms for rent. Library is cheaper and I know long in the past you simply had to reserve the time, no cost but you;d have to check into that.

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I need help as I am thoroughly depressed about my weight and want advice on what to do about it.

I am a 59 year old woman, I am 5 feet 2 inches tall, and I weigh about 180 pounds. I am absolutely addicted to coca cola, root beer, orange and grape soda, potato chips, Taco Bell, and cheesecake. I don't know how to break these addictions and lose weight. I have an elderly father who has a horrible diet. He eats no vegetables, no fruits, lots of processed foods and snacks foods, lots and lots of sugar. He eats an ice cream sundae or a Wendy's frosty everyday and he drinks nothing, and I mean NOTHING but Dr. Pepper and even HE'S in better shape than I am. Okay, maybe he's not as healthy as I am, but he IS skinnier.

I have two grown daughters and I used to feel bad worrying that I taught my youngest bad eating habits. She was overweight in high school. She was still beautiful, but she was 5 foot 4 inches tall and weighed about 155 pounds. Then midway through her senior year, she suddenly started losing weight like crazy. She'd started counting calories and no one knew it until we asked her about it once we noticed that she was losing weight. I tried her method of losing weight (counting calories), but I sucked at it. I'd underestimate how many calories something I ate was or I'd lose track of how many calories I ate in a day. I didn't wind up losing any weight at all.

My daughter was down to her ideal weight by the time she started college, but that didn't last forever. She gained all the weight back after finishing college, but recently lost almost all of it again. Her new thing now is eating the right foods (fruits, vegetables, lean meats, etc.) and portion control. She still indulges in some junk food, but far less. For example, she likes sugar and in the past, when she felt like something sweet, she'd eat half a pint of ice cream or a big ice cream cone or something. Now she likes to buy these teeny tiny little ice cream cones (I believe they're called Blue Bunny Mini Swirls). She also exercises more than in the past. She likes to go swimming or ride her bike.

I did feel guilty that I taught my daughter such bad eating habits when she was younger, but one positive thing about her being overweight (not that this was worth it) was that each time she's started losing weight, I thought she could teach me how to do so as well and we could lose weight together, but I'm getting left behind because I suck at her new methods of losing weight as well. She still lives in town and I thought we could go for a swim or bike ride together, but I'm constantly too tired to go and I can't control myself enough to eat the way she eats.

Tonight, my youngest daughters place had to be fumigated, so she stayed with me. After she'd gotten ready for bed, she came up to my while I was lying on the couch watching TV. She pulled up her shirt and proudly showed me where her ribs are starting to stick out because she's getting so skinny. When she did that, I noticed that not only are her ribs stating to stick out, but her hip bones are too. I was proud of her, but at the same time, I was depressed because I can't even find my ribs anymore. Not even when I breathe in.

Does anyone have any advice on how to successfully lose weight and keep it off?

It seems you already know what to do but just aren't sticking with it, the good diet (calorie counting included) and some exercise. So I won't go over that again.
What is not fair is that there are 3 body types according to Ayervedic medicine. Its the knowledge of health from India and it is very good. It also covers what foods some body types can process without problems and which ones cause issues is eaten when you shouldn't. and I am not talking about sugar but actual foods. For example I can eat cooked vegetables but totally raw vegetables are something my system can't handle.

As far as exercise, it's even more unfair. Some people can eat all they want, exercise little and still have a high metabolism that burns off all the calories so they look skinny like your Dad. But skinny doesn't equal health. Even skinny people can end up with diabetes or clogged arteries and have heart attacks. Then there is the person in the middle. IF they watch their diet and exercise moderately, they won't gain much weight and what weight they gain, they can get off easily. Then lastly are the body types for who no matter what they eat, even if healthy, it all goes to fat because they get no exercise. THe exercise part really isn't fair because this body type can't lose weight doing the amount of exercise like the other two. Noo...this type has to do double or triple the amount of exercise to keep weight off. This may be where you fit in. I can't say for sure as by what you mentioned, just the few things, I know your diet is a big problem. If I were you, I'd go in for a check up and get checked for diabetes. A person who has taken in too much sugar all their life can develop diabetes later in life. If you continue your diet, then you can welcome having to take insulin shots every day sooner or later. You may not ever have the figure you want but for your body frame, if eating right and exercising, you will come to know what your healthy body weight is and it may never match that of your dad, children or whom ever you compare yourself with. However, knowing you are healthier at our age, (I am same age) is a good thing. When I exercise less, the weight comes back on, even if I am eating fairly healthy.

When you watch your diet and avoid things that put on pounds, don't go strictly without any rewards. People can plan to have a splurge night once a month and look forward to it as a reward for sticking with a diet. Those who shy away from ever having a dessert like cheesecake which also happens to be my favorite, will end up giving up and breaking their diet.
For exercise, it can be frustrating to start when you are so stiff and have little energy. I've had that at times and I don't want to exercise. Even though just walking may not be enough for you, you have to start easy with something realistic. I go to Planet fitness gym which is across the country. They have a policy of no body shaming for people of any weight and as such, discourage the trim people from wearing tight form fitting clothes, no spaghetti straps for example and in my location took out all weight scales because they don't want people to get discouraged. You go at your own pace. ONe thing I find helpful is doing stretches to the best of my ability. I can tell when I haven't done them in a while, muschles have tightened up and when tight, its hard to do some of the exercises. So you might want to join a yoga class, not one that teaches meditation or such but strictly for the stretching. And also do walking and when you feel you've made some progress on the stretching, then move on to more exercise. Attempting a full exercise regime all at once will not only feel like its killing you but its too much for your body to take, like being shocked into losing weight and that doesn't work well. I overdid it once time with the leg weights and hurt a muscle and could do it then for a couple weeks until I was totally healed again. SO don't over do it to start but gradually increase the amount of exercise you've chosen to do.

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Long story short, part of me wants to become a mom pretty soon, but the other part is terrified that I'm gonna be a horrible one. I don't know if the fears I'm having are common and normal or if they go beyond the typical doubts people tend to have about their competency as a parent.

Until a couple years ago or so, I didn't doubt that I'd be a good mom and having children was by far the thing I wanted most from my life. I was raised by the best mom ever and I've had other good role models whose example I can follow, but I have learned things since then that make me think I might not be cut out to have children.

My sister had a baby (my nephew, Lane) back in August 2015. Since then, I've been around Lane for about a week every Christmas, two weeks every summer, and various other visits throughout the year. I feel bad saying this, I mean I really feel like the worst aunt in the world, but although I love Lane, he drives me absolutely nuts, crazy, out of my mind, bananas sometimes.

Everyone else loves my nephew and loves being around him, but not me. He throws huge fits constantly and goes to crying hysterically and screaming over NOTHING. He throws first a lot of the time just to get attention. Other times, He might throw one because he actually does want something, but giving him that something rarely calms his fits. We'll go to a restaurant and he'll throw a fit because he wants to sit in my sister's lap. She'll put him in her lap and he'll continue crying because he wants back in his seat. She'll put him back in his seat and he'll keep crying because he wants back in her lap. Or, we'll be at my mom's house and he'll cry because he wants some milk. My sister will get him some milk and he'll continue crying for a while because he didn't get it fast enough. Once, He, my sister, my mom, aunt, cousin, and I were at a pool and out of nowhere, Lane starts wailing. My sister took him out of the pool and offered him absolutely anything she thought he might possibly want at that time, but he continued screaming his head off. My mom leaned over in my ear and made a joke saying, "I guess it's just time for his three o'clock fit." I laughed, but honestly, this is really what my nephew's like. I once counted how many meters meltdowns he had in a day, just while I was around him, and the number reached close to 30 (no lie). And that didn't even include the minor fits that I chose not to count as meltdowns. His whining and crying have become like nails on chalkboard to me.

Aside from that, my nephew is mischievous. He likes to do things he's not supposed, disobey orders, and cause problems because he thinks it's funny. He likes to get a rise out of people. He also has a tendency to be a little bit mean. He'll slap you across the face, kick you, or bite the check out of you when you haven't even done anything to him. And he tends to break things, which could be an accident or intentional.

He and my sister are coming to town Wednesday for their annual two week long summer visit with me and my mom and I'm dreading it more than I can express, but it's true. I find myself wishing I could trade places with people who aren't gonna have to be around my nephew for hours each day, everyday for the next two weeks or that I could rewind time to before my nephew was born and my sister used to come by herself for a week or so long visit each summer. I feel like the worst aunt in the world for feeling that way and if I have in in me to be the worst aunt, I could have it in me to be the worst mom as well.

I know I'm gonna cause some people to hate me by saying this, but sometimes I look at other kids and think, "Why can't YOU be my nephew?" My cousin has an absolute adorable, sweet, charming four year old son named Eli. I want to make it clear that I'm not wishing Lane away, but there are times when I wish Eli was my nephew and Lane was my cousin. When I was in high school, using had a teacher women was obsessed with her three year old nephew, Austin. She'd show pictures of him and tell stories about him. He was a very, very cute kid and from what she said about him, he was sweet and well behaved too. Austin would be about 17 or 18 now. Way too old for this annoying little kid stuff. Sometimes I wish I could trade nephews with this former teacher of mine and be Austin's aunt and be like a family friend of Lane's who lives him, but doesn't see him much. If I have it in me to be that cold hearted about my nephew, how can I expect to be any warmer towards my kids?

The thing that prompted me to come here (other than my nephew's upcoming visit) is that yesterday I took a nap and had a dream that I had a baby. I dreamed that my mom had just had surgery and my baby and I were in her ICU room waiting for her to wake up. The baby was a boy. He had brown hair and brown eyes and an absolutely adorable face. His name was Jude (one of my favorite boy names) and I adored him..I was actually a little bummed out when I woke up and realized it was just a dream and Jude didn't actually exist.

This wasn't the first dream I've had that I had one or more children. I had another once that I had two teenage sons named Aaron and Joe and another one where I had a teenage daughter named Belle. I love these dreams. One of my favorites was a recent, half awake-half asleep kind of dream where I had a son named Nathan who looked exactly like Nathan Lane (I love Nathan Lane). These dreams make me feel good, which I strongly hope is a good sign, but I don't know whether to take it as one or not.

Is there ANYONE out there who had a strong distaste for their niece/nephew and was driven insane by them, but turned out to love their kids and be able to say with confidence that they are a good parent?

I apologize for the length of this question, but thank you for reading.

You are not a bad person and nothing you said surprises me. If I had a nephew like that, I wouldn't want to be around him either.
I am sorry to have to say this but it's not the child who is really the problem, its his parents, your sister and the childs father. Just the things you have described tell me the child doesn't feel secure. A child feels more secure when there are boundaries and simple rules for their safety and okay for their age for them to follow. If a child is given every thing they demand the moment they demand it and they get it, an unhappy child is what you produce. Sure if a child is told no, they throw a fit but a parent has to be strong to stand up to the child and not cave in, thinking the child will hate them. ITs actually quite the opposite. I'll bet that this child also was picked up everytime he cried in bed and was always picked up or rocked to sleep in arms and once laid down, awake again because he has never learned how to entertain himself because the parents take that opportunity away. I took parenting classes with my first child and can say that info is very helpful. You could give her a book that is all about the do's and don'ts for parents. Your mom raised your sister so while your sister may be a wonderful person and wonderful sister, she isn't doing the right things as a parent. We don't automatically come with parenting skills. Those must be learned.

You did say: ...sometimes I look at other kids and think, "Why can't YOU be my nephew?"

That right there should tell you that it isn't children you are afraid of, but having an unruly, brat that you fear. The kid can only turn out that way if you do not do the right things in parenting them. The dreams you are repeatedly having are your subconscious telling you that you still should have kids and you want them. Raising kids isn't easy. You have to put them first but coddling them too much is overboard.
I will give you an example using my middle daughter when she ate meals in a high chair. One day, she either was full or not in the mood for what I gave her so she shoved it over the edge of tray onto the kitchen floor. A parent who gives in to their child would have tried offering different foods or even something sweet like cookies if thats all they would accept and if no other food seemed to make them happy, the parent would take them out of the high chair and then try to entertain them to get them to settle down.
What I did was take off the tray, set my daughter on the kitchen floor, take a sponge and wet it, then put the sponge on the spilled food, put her little hand on the sponge with mine hand covering hers so she couldn't pull it away. I made the wiping motions on the food, not to really clean it, that I did later. But I was teaching my toddler that for all our actions there are steps or consequences that must happen after. If she spills something, she will need to clean it up. Or at least do her best. And guess what, she never shoved food onto the floor ever again. NO, I was not cruel, I wasn't hurting her, but she plainly didn't like having to do this, and she fussed and cried during the demonstration on cleaning messes.

Now take my granddaughter whom I watch at times when needed. She's now crawling and about to walk and there are too many things she can get into that might hurt her. There is a playpen in the living room. I do spend time playing with her but like if I have to go use the bathroom while she prefers to be held, I sure as heck am not going to try to hold her while I sit down on the potty. I place her in the pen and tell her, I will be back as soon as I've used the bathroom. Guess what she does, she starts crying. Guess what I do? I leave her there and go to the bathroom. She will not die from crying because she's disappointed. When I come back I tell her, now I am done and you can come out again and I life her out. This is so simple and yet some new parents freak out when the baby cries. Of course they are going to cry. But they will cry more if they always get what they want. I know it doesnt sound like it makes sense but it does. If you don't believe me, start reading books yourself on parenting do's and don'ts. You may not have a child yet but just reading and knowing this ahead of time will be helpful once a parent and take away your fear of becoming one. And don't believe that crap about the 'Terrible two's' All a parent needs is to know some very basic psychology. At two, kids begin to feel like they are 22 and want all the priveliges of being grown up but as of yet are untrained and have no idea about what is good for them. A mom at church has a teen daughter just like my youngest. My other kids made it through that young age just fine, but at age 3, the youngest still threw tantrums when I told her it was bedtime or tried enforcing a rule. It was all because she wanted to make her own decisions rather than parents make it for her. That mom told me it was quite simple to handle. All I had to do was give her choices, BUT, and this is a big BUT, the parent had to make one choice for example using bedtime, that she decide to go to bed when I told her. But she didn't have that as her only choice. You just make up some other choices that are so awful that the child will not pick them or will once, and then decide it wasn't worth staying up. For an older child, no allowance for a week if they want to stay up late one night. At her age, it was she could stay up, but she couldn't watch TV or play with her toys, only listen to me read her stories and also not get dessert that night or the next night if she already had it. Believe me, she chose the thing I wanted her to do, every time because she was smart enough to realize the other choices, though choices, were not too great at all. LOL.

I hope my own stories give you hope dear. If you felt that you didn't like children at all, even the good ones you see other parents have, then perhaps you are not meant to be a parent. I do know a couple people like that. They didn't want to be tied down with kids and couldn't stand being around them. Even one of my daughters knows she doesn't want kids but she does love pets, cats in particular. And So I am grandma to a cat as well. LOL Good luck dear and thanks for writing in.

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I have this friend from high school the last time I saw her was the ending of 2016. However, every time I try to make plans with her she would disappear and then respond the day after we were supposed to hangout. I’ve always gave her the benefit of the doubt but it’s not like she’s busy cause she’s not. Everytime I text her she says she’s always home because she didn’t go to school after high school and she didn’t get a job either so I’d figure we could hangout but she’s always flaking should I just stop trying? One time the day we were supposed to hangout long story short my other friend and I were at the place we were supposed to meet her at and she didn’t answer her phone calls and didn’t text me till two weeks later asking if I was still mad at her for flaking. So I forgave her (this happened in August of last year) now it’s july of this year and after still trying to make plans with her I haven’t seen her should I just stop? I think a reason why I keep trying is because I don’t really have other friends because if I cut her off I won’t really have anyone

You said: because if I cut her off I won’t really have anyone

You're fooling yourself dear, you already don't have anyone because she can't be counted on as your one and only friend.

I can't say why she is avoiding you but in all this time, it's obvious she doesn't want to be your friend any longer.
Don't take it personally though. There is nothing wrong with you. Its just that people change and grow quickly at HS ages and into college. So perhaps she is embarrassed with how her life is turning out and would rather not be with anyone who knew her before she slid into a spot of no college and no job. Also, if she is not working, she is sponging off someone, the parents or a bf and has no real money of her own so going out somewhere, even for just a coffee may be something she can't do. I'd say it isn't the only reason because even if you said you'd treat her out, she'd still not want to go. It's possible that she or you have changed enough that she feels you have nothing in common anymore, whether its true or not. But have fun trying to convince her. I'd say its time to give up trying to fill your spare hours with something to do, mainly trying to convince her to get together.

Your time would be better spent trying to make new friends. The biggest obstacle to that would be having social anxiety and low self confidence. Luckily, I used to be there and know of ways to overcome that and how to start convo's so you can make friends. Anxiety and confidence need to be tackled first if you suffer of that. So if you wish to hear more, let me know dear.
BUT you must not ask me where you leave comments in the rating section. You have to start again and go to my column for dragonflymagic and click a button to write to me from there. I wish you well

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So I am confused right now. I have this super close friend of mine who is now abroad. But before she left, we are already super close, and I am always there for her everytime when she had problems. She calls me at night crying her heart out about her relationship with her boyfriend who mistreats her badly. I always find ways to make her happy and cheering her up that we already have this so called bond as super BFF's. Lately they parted ways with her BF and she is alright now. We do have some communication every week, and I usually check on her if she already has eaten, how her day was going, those kinds of things. And she always says that, I always care for her compared to her XBF.

We had this chat in the last coupe of weeks and she kept teasing me that I should court her, something like that. We do have talks like that every now and then and when I try to care for her even more, she shrugs it off and tells me that I am acting weird in a very joking fashiony.. But her actions seems to be the opposite. Every time we chat she alays sends picture of her work, herself, and by the time she sleep she always asks permission that she needs to sleep ahead beccause of her work. And if she doesn't able to reply to my messages, she tells me that she is busy of her work (which is really true) and promises me that she will have time for me in which she keeps her promises. and to top it all, she said that we should be together and she told me that she is willing to sponsor my stay and trip abroad with her, until I get a job and repay her when I am able to work there. We also talk about the future.

So my question, does she really like me? Or do I really have a chance with her? She is sending me mixed signals and I really don't know what to do right now. I am falling for her .

You did not mention whether you are male or female. The fact she dated a male, as in your mentioning her ex boyfriend doesn't count as in todays time, it is well known that a person can be bi-sexual.

So if you are female, its the same as a hetero relationship. You will not have amorous feelings and sexual desires with every person you meet regardless of sex. If she were interested in you that way, she'd have done something about it by now.

No matter that I just wrote that, I tend to beleive you are a male best friend. And what you are choosing to believe are hints she wants you, can very likely not be hints at all.

You live in a time where sex and everything about it is openly talked about. Nothing hidden so we assume that many innocent gestures or things said may possibly be clues that person wants us.
SO even if you are male and her female, people today tend to be more confused than ever, even if hetero and tend to see signs where there may not be any.
Sounds like you may have feelings for her and have been patiently waiting for her to realize her male best friend has feelings for her. This is called the friend zone. You are in it for a reason.

Most likely reason is that she knows for sure she will never have the kind of desires for you that is needed in a couples relationship. A truly fulfilling happy relationship is built on a base of two things, being the best of friends, and being each others sexual equal. You have only one right now that you can be sure of.

Lets look at the signals you're getting:

she kept teasing me that I should court her--If you are a male, then sometimes females say things that do not directly say what it is they want to convey. I try not to and don't much but my husband still catches me at it, especially when I wasn't aware I was doing it. It must be a trait ingrained in females. So saying what she did could very easily have meant "It would be nice if I felt romantically about you cus then it would be great and you could date me. Unfortunately I love you only as a friend, and not as a lover."

If you are a male, then you know that males when they hear of a need they can fill or it sounds like someone complaining, they assume the person wants help. Males tend to like to be of help and so you begin to attempt to fix things. You have talked to her and cheered her up, been there for her but the best solution to her issue would be if the two of you became a couple. Plenty of people are married who are best friends but they have no sex life and sometimes after times has gone by, one finally can't stand being celibate or seldom sex and looks for it elsewhere, having an affair or sex relationship. The trick isn't finding two people, one to supply each, but find one person with both qualities.

I think what has you confused most is when she said you both should be together and she'd help you make the trip to come and stay there.

What she could have actually meant is, I don't like having my best support person so far away and only reachable by phone. I wish my support person was here with me, maybe even willing to stay with me, only as friends, not as lovers, but to stay and even if living separate, it would be good for me because my only real support person is still near by and just a face to face visit away.

It could be that this is her solution to her problems in her mind, not realizing that she is only thinking of herself first, and boiled down, it really is more of using you to help her feel better, without giving thought to whether such a move is really beneficial to you, especially if you relocate only to still be just her best friend. So you have more talking to do. You need to get her to see what the things she is saying could mean to someone else. YOu also need to let her know that of recently your feelings for her have begun to change.
I know you may be afraid to say it for fear of scaring her off. But there is a way. As long as a person hears that it is a process just begun and that you are not already there, not totally in love with, then there is a possibility that can change and so they don't freak out when a best friend says, "I am starting to have feelings for you, the kind in a couple relationship who are dating, not as just a best friend."

There is a high point to share after all this negative. Sorry but it was best to tackle the things you may not have wanted to hear first, things that there is nothing in the world that could change it. ITs the pheromones you're born with that attract or repel depending on how close a match both of yours are. Works same in animal kingdom. So she can think you are a gorgeous male, sexually hot looking but not have one ounce of sexual desire for you. Truth be told, guys can end up in such a situation too if they are good at knowing when they are experiencing lust for a lady looks rather than love. Men too can see a beautiful women but feel no sexual desire for her in the long term.

The good point is, that sometimes, when best friends end up being together so long as BFFs, and friendship is what they started as, it can become more of a habit to not question things and just accept the friendship and look for a lover elsewhere. We don't stop to think that the best relationships out there are ones where the couple is not only best of friends but also the best sexual match.

SO how do you convey that to her? There is again a right way to introduce that thought to her. Next phone call if you want, you simply say "You know, we've been doing so well all this time as best of friends, it makes me wonder how well we would do if we were actual bf and gf? What do you think?"

Okay, I know that sounds scary too. But look at it closely. You don't state it as fact, though it very well may be but have only stated you are 'wondering'. Wondering is not threatening to others so its a good word to use. At the end, you must ask the part 'What do you think?' This implies you really are wondering, not gung ho about and hoping she wants you for a mate, you simply got this idea in your head and asking what she thinks of it will give her a chance to respond and share exactly how she feels. SHe will be comfortable to answer you because you haven't stated that you are in love, which you may not yet be, but either way, its not a heavy thing hanging over her making her feel like she has to answer the way you want in order to not hurt your feelings or worse, the fear of losing you as a friend if she did reveal how she feels. So how you say it, and I think I have refined it well, is very important. At the end, refer back to what you said ask her to think about it. What has she got to lose if trying out the more than friends part doesn't work because you'd still be friends.

If she gets to the point of being open enough to state that you would be the perfect boyfriend material because you alreadly have all the traits, but that she just doesnt feel anything for you, then see if she is willing to at least give it a try if you came out to visit. Make it a vacation to stay with her but not a move to relocate until you have both given the more than friens part a real good chance. Sometimes, a male best friend sends out signals that they are not hot lover, romantic partner material. The men who are more of the ones to just grab a woman and kiss her are the ones who often get the message across to some women that they are more than just a friend possibility. The more polite guys, often just get seen as a friend. So you may want to test this theory out and be sure before considering relocating. Unless you are okay with being no more than her 'run to support person' and be of service to her for the rest of your life with no girlfriend, wife, kids or any kind of real fulfilling relationship with a mate of your own.

Thats all up to you. And there is nothing wrong with that. However you have to be okay with that long term, not for say one year and if no change, then you get upset and decide to leave there and come back home which may hurt her more than you not coming out as she suggested in the first place. Its your choice. But definately more talking is required. And do not accept what she says at face value. If she says something that sounds hopeful to you, you say,
"Okay, If I am understanding you right, what you meant is....." and put it in different words that state the same thing. She will let you know if you understood right or wrong. This actually would be a great skill to learn for a male because it will help you with any female you have any kind of conversation with for the rest of your life, coworkders, neighbor, friend, spouse, etc....

If you like, I'd like to hear back how it goes. I wish you well.


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A bit of backstory, me and my dad were never close. He has anger issues, and he throws tantrums quite a bit. I'm much closer with my mother, and tend to spend the most time with her. Since we moved about a month and a half ago, I've been avoiding him slightly, choosing to do things with only me and my mother, and not mentioning him to any of my friends. He'll cuss in inappropriate places, such as a school meeting, when he got mad and told me I need to get the fucking paper, even though I already had one. Or when he cussed out a fast food employee for the restraunt being closed. He constantly interups me , and has broken things without apologizing for anything. He also says some pretty racist stuff from time to time. Point is, I don't like to be around him. So, me and my mom are planning a camping trip with her, me and her brothers, not including my dad. He seems really upset about this, since we don't do stuff with him much anymore. I'm really starting to feel guilty about this though. My mom doesn't want him to go, and I don't either, but this guilt is eating me up inside. I don't know what I should do.

Would you feel as guilty if your Mom left your Dad and started the proceeding for a divorce? Frankly, other than worry about finance if she left, why hasn't she already. SHe doesn't like him anymore than you do. If a couple has to have time away from each other to stay sane, then something is wrong with the relationship. just maybe, they never were the best match in the first place. The anger and meanness that oozes from him is enough to stress all family members out. It can mess with a person emotional or physical health too.

If you are under 18, you don't have a say and are stuck with whatever your Mom decides to do. If she wants to stay married to a mean jerk, then vacations and more time apart from him are a way to cope for a while. Although that is not a good long term solution. Perhaps she is waiting to leave him after you and siblings if any are adults and out of the house. I wish I had left my ex sooner. I can see in my kids how just watching him verbally abuse me all the time was enough to burdon each with their own set of unhealthy relationship issues. One chose a know it all bossy guy who always has to be right, one kept doubting and not trusting men, even though the first two were good guys and now is married to a mental case time bomb and had one child taken away by CPS already. The third girl has to be in control to avoid having issues so she has always chosen weak, wimpy guys that she can control and direct. None of these kids of mine have a healthy life relationship wise. If you ever need Mom to wake up to the fact that perhaps the way Dad treats all of you isn't worth the emotional damage, then feel free to share with I've said with her. Save this, show her and encourage her to write in with any questions of her own. I am not one to say to give up easily. In a perfect world, everyone would be loving and caring, not destructive and mean and vengeful. But due to free will that God gave all, he will not interfere and Force the one adult who is choosing to do negative things, to turn into a perfect husband and father like you see in fairy tales, like the wave of a magic wand. That is not the real world.
So, if guilt is your biggest issue, dear, I hope this shows you that you do not need to feel guilty for several reasons. Dad is lucky that instead of divorce, Mom only wants to spend as little time with him as possible and taking this camping trip is one of them. Also, you need to see this time away as much needed time for you guys to relax and unwind from the stress caused by him. It is for your health that doing such a thing is crucial. But occasional trips aways isn't even enough. Hon, when I was with my ex, the stress was so great it had to go somewhere. If it doesn't go to your emotions and you get depressed, then it comes out in physical issues like headaches, migraines, ulcers, rashes and can bring on heart problems and cancer after many years. I would recommend spending even more time away from Dad as a way to cope and offset the stress. Please don't be stressed about him not invited to go along.

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My story is actually pretty long but ill try to keep it short. I met this guy about two years ago, he wasn't my type but he seemed very nice so I gave him a chance. As the relationship developed I noticed his flaws such as anger issues - being rude and disrespectful. I myself have an attitude but its only when he starts. He's the type of person to make me believe that everything is me, he always tells me that its me me me and sometimes I believe it. Half of my family doesn't like him, my parents like him but thats because they don't know anything, The relationship has gotten to a point where its toxic, not only does he disrespect me but he has put his hands on me MANY times. he has broken many of my phones, my glasses, has pulled my hair, choked me, punched my head. God there is so much. HES UNEMPLOYED and I've been mining him for the past 10 months. Im paying his phone bill, his gym membereship, I give him money to get home, buy him food, ETC. this is getting out of control. WE don't even have sex anymore, he not affectionate and everytime I want to tell him how feel we end up fighting.he has seen me at my worst crying and begging for him not to leave and to just hug me and he has refused in the past. Im very upset and depressed sometimes feel like I'm going crazy. I miss the man I fell involve with. although he's done so much to me I still feel like he's a good person and I have hope in him, and I feel bad because I feel like deep down he is a good person. he just has really bad anger issues and a fucked up childhood but that just may be me justifying what he does. I need help, advice, now. I know the right thing to do is leave but I just don't know how.

I suffered verbal abuse all through a marriage of about 30 years. Towards the end he also started getting handsy and pushing and shoving me. The stress of just verbal abuse is enough to affect a person. We had 3 kids and I was willing to leave him but for financial concerns I stayed. So, stress has to go somewhere. It was manifest either mental/emotionally or physical, maybe both. For me it was physical. I had all stress related issues at some point and several at a time: headaches, migraines, stomach ulcers, body rashes, etc. I no longer loved him and sex was never good from the staart-we were really mismatched there. Yes, there are good points about him too. But for every negative in life, its takes twice the amount of something positive to cancel out the bad. Since thatd wasn't happening for me and I can tell from what you wrote that it isn't happening for you either, if you stay, you will get worse and worse off with depression and maybe health issues also.
If you knew that staying could Kill YOu, would you still stay?
God got through to me and I clearly heard several times that If I didn't leave him in 4d years time, that I would be dead due to the stress by stress caused illness, and in my family there is cancer and heart disease so I knew it would be one. None of my daughters were married yet. I wanted to see them married and be a grandma and that wouldn't happen if I died. I also heard God mention a verse that says "You shall love your neighbor as yourself" Matthew 22:39

God then said, people end up trying to love their neighbor first because that shows up first in the sentence, however that is wrong. We need to be able to fully love ourselves before we are able to let love flow through us like water through a hose. A clogged or kinked hose will not let water pass. So we fool ourselves by trying to love others first and neglect ourselves.

I thought I was loving myself, has a good attitude about me but was told, yes, you do but not 100%. There is a part of you where you still allow yourself to be in a situation that is not good or loving f0r you. That floored me. I realized that in staying with my now ex, for as long as I did, that I was not helping him. He only got worse as time went on, and I clung to religious doctrines that the church spouted, that God was against divorce and I should trust God to save my marriage. So I stayed until God also said to me, I don't understand why you think I will heal your marriage. I gave free will to every single person and turning him against his free will into a loving husband would negate the free will decree I put in place. So I will not force him and he has no intention of getting better or even trying. If you think God is against divorce, think again. Becuase there are so many issue in each situation and in mine, the better was for me to leave. He wasn't willing to cooperate and go for a divorce, so I packed up and left and went out of state to live with friends as no one near home had even a basement for me to stay in. Agencies would not help as I was not physically beaten. Verbal abuse is worse in some ways because there are no bruises or blood to show and all agencies I checked with said they were not set up to take or deal with just verbal abuse...only if my life were in danger. SO thats why I left to stay with friends.

I hope you see that each of us needs to get to a point where we have hit bottom and can't take anymore. I was feeling that way for quite some time. In a way I knew as it was about 6 months of knowing this couldn't go on any longer before I actually left. I still wouldn't have if God hadn't said the things he said to me.

Not only are you treated terrible but he's found someone to take care of him. If left to sink or swim, what ever he choose should be his lesson in life to learn. As long as you stay with him, he will not learn what he needs to learn because you are doing it all for him and taking crap from him in return. Sometimes, if the person who needs improving is still with the loving supportive mate, the mate will be taken out of the equation by either death in accident or death of disease if they do not leave willingly ahead of time. I was told I had 4 years to get out. You do not know when the time has come for you to die before your time if you do not leave willingly now. But as I said, no matter how you feel about him, he is not loving you and he is not learning. If you love him, then leaving him and not having any more contact, no talking to, etc... is the best thing you can do. You don't have to prove it to the boyfriend cus he won't get it. But God will know and see that you have learned to fully love yourself but no longer allowing someone to treat you that way.
If you think there are two choices here, in plans of the mind, yes there is. But the choice other than leaving is assuming the man can be changed simply by your example, or by counseling and both are false.

Humans do not change because of outside influence. It is something internal they need to want to do before they will, no matter how much they agreed that what you do or what a counselor says is the right way. Its like that saying where 'You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink" It means that the horse can be thirsty, you show him the way to water, but he has to want to drink. YOu can't force him to.
My ex went to a psychologist near the end of marriage. IN a private talk with just me, the Dr. asked if I still loved him and I had to say no. He said love could be rekindled but I had to decide what I expected and how much change would I need to see to stay with the husband. He told me that older people are more set in their ways and changes they make are so little that they will not affect a relationship for the better, even if they improved a little. Then there are people who attend counseling and never get better up to the day they die. That scared me. It finally hit that more likely than not he wouldn't improve at all. Then I caught him telling someone that the only reason he was attending Dr. visits was to fool me into staying, thinking he would change. He had no intention of changing because no matter what the Dr said, he didn't believe there was anything wrong with me and it was all my fault. The Dr. also explained that when a person is denying they need help, that deep down in their subconscious they actually realize something is not right, but they don't want others to notice so a tactic they use is to always point the blame at others. Usually the partner gets the brunt of it but they can and will tell other people that you are the problem, and it works. Its very effective because most people will take the bait and go thinking of stuff on another tangent. Not my married couple friends who let me stay with them. They were visiting, saw how bad things are and the retired ex counselor husband would not let my ex distract him by pointing the finger and blaming me right in front of them. He kept the pressure on and asked calmly if my ex was in love with me and finally the ex admitted that No, he'd never been in love with me. I hope my story helps you to decide to leave him, yes..cold turkey...just break it off, kick him out. Change your phone, and find a new place to live because with his temper and beating history, he could easily come for revenge and you may not live one of those times. If you can't find a safe place to move in, even with parents or family until you can get another place, it has to be done. If he threatens you, get a restraining order. THose don't always help but you need to have a paper trail with the police if he does decide to be violent to the point you fear for your life. ANd since there are organizations set up to help women who are beaten, then you will qualify for emergency housing and help. The Natl D domestic abuse hotline is: 1−800−799−7233

I wish you the best and a much brighter future dear

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So my psychiatrist has labeled me as severely unstable and "too stressed to work." because I've tried killing myself over stress and my mental illnesses because of every time I've tried working. So he's been helping me to get disability. He even insisted on going to court FOR ME. He's TRAVELING to go to court. That's how bad off I am. And he's one of the most intelligent men. Every person who has ever met him has said that. So it's not like he is biased or anything.

But I was watching this tv show of this woman helping other people. I've always helped people all my life. I give money/food to homeless people even when I don't have enough myself, I kind of live off my parents right now, but I do help them as much as I can, I only ever ask for food and absolute necessities. So it's not that I'm taking advantage of them, they said that they love me "too much to let me be homeless."

I help stray animals. I compliment people, especially when they look upset.

But... it's not helping my depression asssssss much as it used to. It still does, but I want to do bigger things to help as well as still little givings.

I believe in the Law of Attraction and I've been trying to use the power of thought to win the lottery so I can help out more and do more things.

Today, I was wishing I could buy a lottery ticket, but didn't have the two dollars, but then I saw a random $5 on the ground. No one was around, so I guessed it was a sign from the Universe to buy a lottery ticket. I haven't found out if I won yet, but I'm still using the LoA.

I'm not winning it for myself, I just want to help out as much as I can.

In what ways can I help out now that I don't really have an income?

YOu mentioned mental illness but not anything about being prescribed meds for it or whether you are even taking the medicine. If not, you need to start to be feeling better. Since you are seeing a Dr. I would think he has you taking medication for mental illness. As to the depression,
It's possible that the mental illness could make you depressed that you 'can't be normal like others'...at least, that's what a mentally disabled client I used to care give for, called it.

You will have some kind of disability income monthly as soon as your Dr. can get that going for you with Social Security through which you'd receive a monthly disability check, its just called SSI, Supplemental Security Income instead Social security checks to folks 65 and older.

As for helping others, hon you are already doing that. You said: I give money/food to homeless people , I help stray animals. I compliment people, especially when they look upset. While not as grand as having millions to start new housing for the homeless for example, help is help no matter how great or small. Actually, the one giving help may think of their gesture as small and have no idea how great the impact of what they do.
I read a story of a man who stopped his car and got out to go back and talk to a person sitting on the rail of a bridge looking like they would jump. The person got off the rail pretty quickly when the driver began to talk. In a short conversation, the driver heard the person say that they had made a deal with God. That if not a single person stopped to check on him by a certain time, that he would jump to his death. The driver urged people to be willing to say a kind word to people. Sometimes that is the biggest thing you can do. You never know if what you say might impact a person in a positive way or even save a life. If the driver had won a lottery recently and didn't stop to help that man, then even the money he had could not get medical help, housing and food for the man if the man had jumped and died. I think in Gods eyes, what you are doing is as important as more expensive ways of helping others. I live out of a van and we live on PT income. So I don't have money to give. Maybe a dollar every once in a while, but I cheer others by complimenting them as well, and I volunteer time to be on here answering questions which is another way I help. I also go with my husband once a week to a church that prepares meals for the elderly and homeless from give away food at the local grocery. Theres two dozen people at tops who come and volunteer and their help goes towards a very wonder dinner that feeds a room full of people for one night. Actually, that is something easy, once a week, and if they have enough volunteers and you had a bad day and didn't want to go, it wouldn't be a crisis. You could do something like this. Heck, at times, a mom also brought her 2 girls in age 8,10, to help and there was easy work for them too. If you have artistic talent, pour it into crocheting, knitting items for sale, or making jewelry and other such things. Then with your Mom or someone else to help, rent a table at a local Christmas bazzaar, or at a local festival or fair. You could be there as the artist but the pressure is off you if you have a family member committed to be there and handle the purchases and whatever. This would be using your hobby to create things People can buy as gifts for others. You helped them find a gift for someone. There are lonely people in nursing homes. If you just show up on a day you are feeling your best and tell the staff at the front desk that you are there to be company for someone who is lonely, they will direct you to people who need company. From how you write, you are very clear in what you say...better than a good half of what comes in where the sentences are so awkward. I know you'd be great at conversing with an elderly patient. I found out how much they like volunteers when my Dad ended up in a nursing facility. There were many lonely people. Thats something that is needed but rarely has people helping out there. Again, no real day or time commitment so you feel no pressure to show up on a particular day. If you don't think you can handle being with the elderly, I read recently of hospitals that take on volunteers to hold and give attention to premie babies. Of course they would do background checks to make sure a person wouldn't harm children. Depending on the extend of your mental illness, if holding and talking to a baby for an hour doesn't seem something you would enjoy, then don't look into it. Studies have shown that premies that get more attention and touch do much better health wise. So you would be helping a baby to thrive well. There are lots of things like this that for the most part are all overlooked when people think of giving help in some way. Your disabilities can only limit you if you let them, if you believe there is nothing you can do to help. So Thank you, for being one of many of us who volunteer in some small ways to be of help to others. Change your thinking from only helping in big ways. Because even all of us who are not disabled are doing the same thing or thinking the same way. I hear too many say they can't help because they are broke. They have no idea that because everyone is thinking the same that help has to be on a grand scale that all the smaller stuff is overlooked and so they are desperate for volunteers. If anything interests you and you need help to set it up, either your parents could help with that or as soon as you have been assigned a Residential case manager. This is a person you will see once a year as they visit at your home to determine if your level of care from the system is still valid with your needs in case there are changes for the better or changes for the worse. Once in the system with DSHS, you will be able to let your case manager know if you need help with something other than their yearly assessment meeting, and they will refer you to someone who can help. I know that those able to work like my client did, they get employment help by help with finding a position where they will hire disabled adults and can and will act as a go between for you and your boss if needed. If they do that, I am sure there is someone who also helps decide what type of help and volunteering would be a good match for you and get that set up for you. I hope this helps hon.

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I think they should keep it real and wear black or even dingy...

White wedding dresses were not a tradition until in 1840, after the marriage of Queen Victoria to Albert of Saxe-Coburg, when Victoria wore a white gown trimmed with Honiton lace. Illustrations of the wedding were widely published, and many brides began choosing white also in accordance with the Queen's choice.
So white became a popular option after 1840. This means anytime before that, wedding dresses could be any color. White was not even considered a wedding color before that at all. A white wedding dress was unheard of before Queen Victoria started it. It is now the traditional color due to all of us copy cats. So think for a moment of any virgin women marrying before 1840. Their dress might have been blue, purple, red, yellow but does that mean that they were saying they were not virgins at their marriage because they wore something other than white? See my reasoning? It's not the color that matters, just that a wedding dress has always been the best dress a female owned, could borrow or afford to buy. So often it was nothing more than what we'd consider a bridesmaid dress or a Sunday church dress. There is no logic behind the choice of white over colors. Maybe it was thought to look prettier and make a lady look like a fairy princess. Don't even think that a priest saying that the white signifies the brides purity at her wedding is the way its always been. That was a symbolism a pastor was looking for one day, mentioning a virgin wore white to symbolize her purity. Talk about inequality! What if the man getting married was also a virgin. Why hasn't the groom worn all white too at his wedding. Oh no...the usual attire for a groom has always been a black tux. Does that mean even if he is a virgin himself that he is stating he has sown way more wild oats than the usual guy because he is so depraved he has to wear black? Again, what the groom wears is also tradition. Hope this clears things up for you. If ever curious as to how the tradition of having bridesmaids and grooms men got started, I think you will be very surprised. That tradition is older than the white wedding dress one. Just ask me by going to my column and clicking to post a message to me. Look for Dragonflymagic if interested.

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So I have a bit of a problem. I'm 27 years old and about a year ago I had sex for the first time. Considering the fact I hadn't masturbated for a few weeks before I lost my virginity, it was easy to get hard and I didn't last very long. After that, however, it was pretty much impossible to keep an erection when putting on a condom! The girl would give me a blowjob and I'd get hard, but by the time I put the condom on and change position, my penis would go soft! We tried to do it several times in one night, but just ended up having oral sex and I came every time. I thought maybe I didn't have enough stamina considering it was my first time... Or perhaps it was a mental block because the girl was kind of married so I was afraid her husband might come home unexpected...
However, a few weeks later I had sex with a different girl (she was single) but I had the same problem.
Why is this happening? I definitely felt aroused and I was attracted to both girls... I consider myself to be healthy and I was able to keep an erection during oral sex...

After all of this was over, I tried to put a condom on while I was alone and masturbating, but I had the same problem! I'm kind of worried.

I want to blame the condom... but I think guys usually have no problem keeping an erection during the few seconds it takes to put the condom on, right?

So what should I do?

Thanks in advance.

Follow advicemans advice. In todays age, it is becoming more common for younger males to have the same problem as the older ones do. I did have a boyfriend once who took a prescribe pill daily for having a low testosterone count and that is what interfered with his abilities sexually. However at the time I knew him, he could perform fine. My husband is now having some trouble with staying erect. It seems I can get him there with hand job or oral sex. In fact, I've had a few girlfriends not bashful of talking bout this stuff and have heard that their husbands also get hard with oral sex but then have trouble staying hard. For older men, it's probably a different medical reason behind it. My husband can feel desire but can't stay hard. Its not a matter of desire or not but whats going on medically or sometimes both medical and psychological. I don't recommend just taking viagra without consulting a Dr. first. The husband only takes it maybe once every 3,4 days. The side effects are slight but bother him if he takes it more often. So I do know that plenty of older men can get hard but have trouble staying hard. And also that younger men can need more testosterone to be able to get the erection. There may be other reasons also but its best to see your regular Dr who can refer you to a Urologist. This is the kind of dr who deals with this kind of thing.

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I know I’ve asked questions similar to this before but now I’m actually ready to listen. I’m almost 20 years old and I still have the same low-self esteem I’ve had all my life and I want to change that. I feel like an embarrassing older sister for my sister (who is turning 18 next month). She’s more outgoing than I am, has more friends and can even talk to guys. I’m more reserved, I barely have any friends and at my age I still can’t even talk to guys I find attractive. If you’ve seen the movie 10 things I hate about you, she’s basically the younger sister and I’m the older one when it comes to personality. I think my elementary and high school experience shaped who I am today which isn’t good. I was surrounded by super judgemental people who would make fun of my voice, call me ugly etc so of course it would affect my self-esteem. I wasn’t bullied or anything but I developed social anxiety cause I’d fear people would judge me for everything I did, since I was surrounded by so many judgemental people. One thing I regret is going to the same high school as them. I don’t know my sisters full high school experience but I know she didn’t really like elementary school but right from grade 10 she’s been getting male attention, me on the other hand would always be called ugly by guys even when I’m just minding my own business. Now that I’m almost 20 she’s askig me for advice on talking to this guy she likes but I can’t even help her because I’ve never experienced that myself. My dad even told her she can’t get a boyfriend until I do (just like the movie 10 things I hate about you) but the way I’m stuck on low-self esteem it looks like she’ll be getting a boyfriend before me anyways. I know it’s not good to compare yourself to others but it’s hard when it’s your younger sister. Please help. Appearance wise we are both black but she’s like Beyoncé’s colour and I’m Kelly Rowland’s colour (dark-skinned if you don’t know who she is) so you can already see the different experiences we had even based on skin colour and appearance. Thank you in advance for the advice!

YOu are battling two things, lack of self confidence but that alone won't help if there's the social anxiety you also have. I should know, I suffered both in my past. My social anxiety was simply called shyness back when I was young. No one talked of anxieties or realized that help was needed for that back then. So I was already shy to start with but the anxieties added as I had normal experiences in school that I more often than not took the wrong way. Today if I say something and people laugh, I know I was funny. back then if someone laughed, I would take it as I did or said something stupid and they were laughing because I was so lame. I wouldn't walk to the front of class to use the pencil sharpener in grade school no matter how much I needed it. I never did book reports again after the terror I felt doing the first one...not even in HS, I'd rather take the lower grade for not doing it. Thats pretty bad anxiety. It may be not that bad for you but if you have trouble with feeling anxiety when involving talking to other people at times, then you can benefit from a simple thing I followed which I will paste in now and at the end I will cover a trick to gain self confidence which is also very simple. The only thing about both is you have to be very consistant in doing both all the time until you have overcome each issue. It doesn't take long either. You can reasonably be free of both in a month as I was but the nice thing is getting to go at your own pace, just taking baby steps with the anxiety thing so it doesnt feel overwhelmingly threatening. You will still feel scared and challenged but not to the point you can't handle. Don't know if I've sent you this before but make sure to cut and save what i send you to refer to again if need be.

Overcoming shyness and social anxiety

It took until I was about 17 before I decided I was sick and tired of being so anxious socially. I didn't have the guts to just switch behavior and start talking. Strange how I never thought to talk to my dad about that and get help from him. So I prayed and asked God for help (He knows each of us better than anyone ) and here's the answers I got. It sure helped me and I know it will help you. You can skip any steps you already have mastered. (I more recently read of the same way to overcome this in a book by a psychologist so it's not like trusting me that God said this but its what psychologists understand too))

None of this involves using people you already know because you already have some comfort level there For this exercise, you will have to drop the teaching, “Never talk to strangers”. Just use common sense and talk to people in public places where other people are around and don't go off alone with anyone. So here's your lesson.

1. Smile at strangers every day as you come across them. When you are comfortable with this, move on to step 2
2. Smile and add saying hello to people you don't know. This is already harder because your mind will be going, "They're gonna think I'm nuts cus I am saying hi and they dont even know me." When you can do this without feeling awkward or shy, move to step 3
3. Smile and say hi to and then pay a compliment to another person you don't know. It could be telling the grocery clerk you love her necklace. Keep paying compliments to people until you can do so without being fearful of their reaction or simply the act of doing it.
4. Smile, say Hi, and start a conversation with a stranger. Here's an example. When I'd be at a clothing rack and another woman was there...no matter her age, I would make a comment to her about the clothing. I'd pull something off the rack and ask what she thinks of it for me.
Keep trying statements with a question to get responses from a person. If they don't open up and start responding and sharing some of their story or thoughts then they are part of the 10 % of people who are hermit like and don't like being around people or talking to them. I took a class that taught about personality types and discovered that 90% of people are very friendly but will not start conversation first. If you can learn to start conversation first, in every situation, you will find that the majority of people respond in a very friendly and supportive way. They won't find the fact that you start talking too weird. Once they figure you're a naturally friendly person you will see them willingly respond back and share bits and pieces of information and such.
I was trying to pick ripe but not over ripe melon one time when an older woman was tapping and listening to the melons. I asked what she was doing and she explained that there is a certain sound it makes when ripe so I learned something. Later we bump into each other in another aisle, and I say, "Well Hello again!" Her response, "Hello again. Do you use coupons?" "Sometimes." "Do you buy this product," she shows me something in her cart, "Yes I do." "Well I happen to have a coupon for a great deal on it if you'd like," and without waiting for my response reaches into pocket and hands it to me. You'd be amazed at the conversation you could have with people and be able to share helpful info with them or vice versa. And sometimes in the conversing you may find people who you have some things in common with and you decide to keep in touch with and exchange cell numbers and /or get their name for facebook friending. Once you are comfortable with talking to one person, then its a small matter to talk to groups of people.
This should help you.

Now for self confidence, i once read an article in a womans magazine and have changed it a bit to work better but it involves borrowing self confidence. This will also help undo any of the critical comments you've gotten in the past, not just what you think of yourself.

I am glad you mentioned the two celebrities to give an idea on skin tone cus basically this is what you are going to do. First choose what you feel is your one best feature, it can be the shape of your body, the hair, shape of face, the lips, the eyes, I chose my eyes as my best feature. I know we can't all look like models and I don't but despite that fact, I still felt at least my eyes were great and also expressive. So I will explain what you do now once you've chosen a celebrity that at least to you seems to also have the same best feature or its one of many. Just concentrate on the one thing you have in common. Now the hardest part is using your imagination. Celebrities get used to camera's and people seeing them all the time. You will too. everytime you leave the house, get out of your car, walk into a restaurant, basically anywhere you will be once you leave home, over and over imagine that you are that celebrity drawing the kind of attention and looks that a real one does. This is critical. Take your time focusing your thoughts and it will get easier. Had to remind myself to imagine several times a day that as I entered each place or room, people would notice me like they notice a celebrity and for the feature that I chose to help me connect with that celeb. After a few days of doing this, all of a sudden I had women and men stopping me and commenting on how pretty eyes I had. Never heard that in my entire life except from my parents perhaps. I wasn't even wearing makeup girl, so you know something weird is happening. My eyes were no different than they were before. But all those compliments and noticing you starts giving you self confidence in your looks and thats enough to give up using the image of the celeb and keep on going knowing that everyone out there has different tastes in women and what they find beautiful. I've seen thin men totally in love with their very overweight wives but you can tell when a couple truly likes the looks of their mate or not. There will be a man who will like you for who you are and that includes who you are on the inside. What really changed is the vibes I sent out, invisible things that others can pick up. So if too shy, thats also a vibe others don't want to or know how to deal with, especially before becoming an adult or older adult. These vibes are what cause people to ignore you or not be interested in you. I can't blame them because today if someone is too quiet, I realize they seem like they might be boring so I don't tend to go out of my way to befriend them although I may talk a little or compliment them but not want to spend good time with them. Vibes will kill lots of thing for you. So if the vibes you send out, even the fake ones of borrowed confidence of a celebrity, you will see a difference. write me back later and let me know how its going. If theres any issues, maybe some more trouble shooting or what ever support i gave give. I know what its like as I said because I've been there.

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Months back, my two daughters (ages 16 and 18) attended a party together. Unbeknownst to me, there was no adult supervision and alcohol was served. Both of them ended up drinking.

Now my youngest, allegedly, was behind the wheel during the drive home and the car ended up in the drainage ditch just in front of our house. Her sister wasn't wearing her seat belt and went face first into the dash and got her bell rung pretty good. My husband and I weren't home at the time. A neighbor saw the accident and phoned it in and my youngest ended up getting arrested.

Naturally, they were both grounded following this incident. For two whole months.

On Friday, my youngest was in juvenile court to receive her sentence. For DUI and vehicular assault, she got 30 days in juvenile hall.

Here's the thing. My oldest suffered a cut from when she hit the dashboard or whatever. One thing I noticed after we got the car out of the ditch was that there was no blood on the passenger's side, but I did notice drops of blood on the driver's side. Not a lot, but they were there.

Maybe I'm being paranoid, but is it possible my oldest was really the one driving? And my youngest decided to take the blame for her? But why would she do that? And if that is what happened, should I just let it go, since we've already dealt with them?

Hi there.

I'm a Mom too, with 3 grown daughters. So first, in case you were not aware of the driving force behind teens making such bad decisions, I thought I'd first share a link on teen brains and namely the pre frontal cortex but read on to learn about the fully developed part of brain that responds to pleasure and rewards.

https://science.howstuffworks.com/life/inside-the-mind/human-brain/teenage-brain1.htm

I actually saw a movie where a boyfriend let his girlfriend an adult woman with no driving experience, drive his car and she crashed it. They switched seats and told police he had been driving but where blood was, is the exact same story as you mention. So I think it is highly likely that the other was driving.
You said the youngest was sentenced in juvie hall. So I assume the oldest wasn't. While you don't have something for sure like photo or video proof, its likely the one who drove did not get the kind of intervention needed. I can only imagine wildly what might prompt the younger to take the blame. Perhaps she has a secret of her own she wants kept from you and so she told her sis, she'd take the blame if sis never told you. NOw thats a wild guess since there are not many siblings who are so loving and close like twins that they would do anything for each other.

Once you read the article, you will understand what you are up against during this period of their life. Think back to your teen years. Even if you never got into major bad situations like this, there will still be things and decisions you made that looking bad now, you realize your decisions making abilities were handicapped. And myself as an example, I married a guy at age 20 who ended up being verbally abusive up to when I finally left after 30 years. I wasn't anywhere near 25 when they say the cortex is done maturing so a person can make better decisions. In some people, it can take longer, closer to 30, but in general for most its around 25. So I was still too young to make a good decision and he had my parents fooled too before marriage.

I like how they talk in this article about how during teen years, a person responds more to offered rewards and things that are pleasureable. I never had to ground my girls. But looking back, I think that grounding would not have pounded in the behavior I wanted in my girls as much as offering something they liked as a reward for good behavior vs grounding if they chose the other way.

I was given advice for my youngest from another mom who had a daughter the same at age 4. A child who wants to make her own decisions like an adult but of course we know is incapable of making good choices yet. So she told me to give them choices..one being the thing we want them to do like get into bed at 8p. Or they could refuse and stay up but then they would get extra chores, lose allowance for a week, not get dessert that night, anything they perceive as pleasure. You just make the other choices you give them, so unpleasureable that they will never pick them. It worked for my daughter at 4. I believe it can work in the teens.

So its time for a united front, both you and Dad talking to the girls and being on the same page. Regardless if they lied about who was driving, they had no business being at a party with no adults present, they had no business drinking or either of them driving in that state. All around, both made poor decisions. So the two of you need to talk about this and what you both will tell the girls before actually doing it, that is if there is a husband.

If I were you, I would tell the girls you have something serious to discuss with them. Maybe you could even try the pleasure thing to get them to give you their full attention and promise something like a pizza night at the house where each could invite a friend over for pizza but they must listen and agree to follow the basic rules.
If it were me, I would probably read to them the article I put link in here for you. They first need to realize that ALL teens face the same thing, being handicapped in decision making because this part of the brain isn't complete yet.

You want to start teaching them how to come to you and use you as a sounding board for any decision they are planning to make from the biggest like attending a party, to getting a tattoo, or starting to have sex. Let them know that this is a skill they will need to use even as an adult, whether passing any ideas or plans past you or coworkers, or basically any other level headed adults they know and feel comfortable to talking to. While its more the teens and 20 somethings who write in here for advice, I do still get people who are older, facing a difficult decision and they have only their thoughts and point of view on it and want more input and other bits of info gathered from others as we do here on advicenators before deciding what they will do. Teens are adults in training but too many parents do not treat them as such and keep making ALL decisions for them. Decide what things are okay for them to make their own decisions in now so that they already know how to make decisions where they have thought out ahead any possible repercussions from any decision they make.

My oldest wanted to get her eyebrow pierced and told me she planned to do so when she could afford it. While saving, she lost one job and was looking for another. So I asked if she still wanted to do that and she said yes. So I told her I had something important on that subject to share. Had she thought ahead to the fact there may be employers who do not want to hire a person with any piercings? She still didn't believe it was important. She got the piercing and I supported her by telling her how it looked nice. Then a month after getting it, she is finally offered a job at the mall but had to promise to stop wearing the piercing. She let it heal up and so the money she spent on it was wasted. She was about 20 then. Give your daughters examples like that from your life or even make up some good ones but they need to know why coming to you first or another trusted adult like even an aunt or grandma or a girlfriends mom is better than going it alone until after their brain has reached full maturity at 25 or so. If it is something like how they wear their hair, clothes they choose, none of that is permanent, is a way of personal expression and as long as it isn't breaking school dress code, they should be able to make such decisions. When my middle daughter told me she liked how the female singer in a band had dyed just the ends of her hair a bright color and wanted to do the same, I told her that sounded like fun. She was about 14 and I had seen the hair she talked about and agreed it would be nice. It wasn't something I'd do with my hair but we got the produst that takes the color out of your own hair before dying the lime green ends to her brunette hair. After 6 months she was bored with it and it was never done again. She also wanted name brand shoes all the kids were wearing. Just because I couldn't afford these for her, I didn't say she couldn't get them. I did not make that decision for her. Here is where she got to make a decision. I told her if it was that important to her, I would pay the amount I had set aside that I could afford and she could spend her birthday and Christmas money to make up the difference. She didn't agree to that. She looked around a bit and saw some short boots on sale and realized that her mom could afford these cute boots and a pair of regular athlethic shoes both for the cost of what I would have put forth to pay my part on the name brand pair of shoes. She made her decision to get two for the price of one. This is what kids want, but they will still mess up. The thing is not blowing your top because no yelling or screaming no matter how much you deserve to do so for whatever they did, is not going to change anything now. All you can do is see if you can help prevent them making the same future mistakes by learning from the current ones.

How does grounding help a child learn how to do better next time? I am not saying it doesnt come in handy with difficult kids who will not work with you on things like this. But it is important that they learn another thing that will help them greatly as adults. We will all make mistakes, even as adults but the thing is to learn from our mistakes. You can only instill that in the girls now. If they understand you are upset about what they did but you are more concerned about helping them avoid making bad decisions in the future and learning from current ones, then most teens will be willing to go along. They don't like parents telling them they will get choices or to come to them with an idea and then your freaking out and yelling and giving a lecture about something they haven't even done yet. They will learn quickly to not work with you if a parent is at all unreasonable and flips back and forth on their stance. Not saying you are like that but I am not either but I caught myself several times mid sentence about to object about something I realized was just my personal gut reaction, not having the full story or info yet and making a bigger deal of something that was not a big deal.

If it helps any more since you have girls, I had three and when each entered HS, I told them to watch the girls who seem to always have a boyfriend and always be breaking up and with a new boyfriend. Watch what their emotional life seems like and how they do on grades because in HS, teens are only learning how to date and so most dating only lasts a week or maybe a month with someone before they are moping over a breakup or rejection that affects their ability to concentrate. I told the girls that if they did decide to date in HS, I just want to know so I can be watching to see if it affects their grades, and if it doesnt, its okay with me. I told them they could have male friends, same like having girlfriends come over. Teens want to spend time together with someone they are crushing on or dat ing at school but we all know that the best relationships start with friendship so I said if a guy wanted to date them, he had to be willing to be a friend too and come by our house where he was welcome to hang out. I gave scenerios to cover all the possibilities. Next I said if they ever did find such a guy who came to our home and we knew him well and they found it too hard to resist having sex, I didn't want them getting pregnant or catching disease, so although it wasn't my wish for them to do so, they could still come to me and I would make sure they got on birth control and had condoms. No boy ever came to our home, not one of my girls had a boyfriend or wanted to have sex while in HS. They all began dating right after HS like at 18,19 and 20 for one. They knew what I wanted but I was still leaving the decision to them wether they dated or not but under the conditions I gave.

About not knowing there would be no parent supervision at this party, I started when they were little. Every time they wanted to go to a new kids house, sometimes on the weekend and sometimes right after school, I made sure to meet a parent right away or they couldn't go until I met the parents. I am glad I did this because a set of twins had a mom who was a hard drug addict and had invited drug friends to pass out during any time of day, camping on the floor of her living home. The dad was nice but worked two jobs end to end to support the family, knew what was going on but wasn't there to make a difference. SO I told the girls they could have the friends to our house but they could never go there.

Another I checked out was a single Dad. I had girls, I had to be sure he was a good person and not a pervert who might sexually abuse my girl. I had peace of mind because he was a good guy. However another home I went to right after school because the girl said I could meet her mom who was home, well the MOm wasn't home. This was a latch key kid. Thats one thing. She told me Mom would be home any minute so I stayed thinking literally minutes. It was a half hour and Mom walks in, looks at me, says not a word and goes off to do something without even asking who I was or why I was with my daughter in her apt. So I again told my daughter, you can't go there but the girl can come to our home. This was such a routine for them that if I had needed to, and they wanted to attend a party at a kids house, I would like have already known the parents and called them to ask if they would be at the party. Then when they say, "What party? or say they won't be there but it will be okay cus their kid is responsible, I would not have allowed them to go. The girls never attended anything without telling us. I built up communication with them on a daily basis at the end of each day. To them, this was normal to have a parent asking not because they are nosy or distrustful, but because I care and am truly interested. SO even the little arguments and problems with girlfriends, I was able to give them pointers on how to handle when they were miserable with something not going well.

I don't know how much of this you've done. It would look strange to start wanting to know the families of the kids they hang out with and I am sure your girls will think you simply no longer trust them, but maybe you can find other ways to learn who they spend time with and the situations with those parents. If you can't trust the other parents, its best your kid is not at the other home, even as a teen because as a teen they feel grown up and can therefore get into trouble lots faster and more seriously often than younger kids. This is a lot to say and I hope I have given you things to think about. If you need to write me back with anything, please do so by going to my column page by looking for Dragonflymagic. I can not respond or write back from the comment section where its not set up that way . I can only read comments but not answer new questions there. I wish you the best.

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18/f/South Africa
How do I get my friend to know im bulimic without actually telling her? When I was 13 she knew about it but I recovered and now I'm back to that. I don't want to actually say it for many reasons, one of them being that I don't want someone to think im just looking for attention which is usually what is thought with these things. She lives in a different city than me but she usually comes to visit for a few weeks

Is your friend a doctor or counselor who can help you or get you the help you need? If not, all they can say is "I'm sorry to hear that." Will those words cure you? Or she could say, "Oh, that's awful, why didn't you tell me sooner." Would those words magically cure you somehow? I hope you understand that while its okay to tell your friend any way you want or write her a letter telling her, you still also have to tell a professional. The thing about eating disorders is that it isn't like trying to break a bad habit where sheer will power will help you through. There are distorted thoughts and negative thought life in your brain that needs to be worked with first. The disorder is due to how your mind perceives your body and based on what you think, you then take actions of avoiding food in one case or eating but throwing it back up in the other. It is bad for your physical health to continue this so you need to be more concerned about getting hooked in with professional help than how to tell your friend.

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