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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
ive been told that once and that only thing in music would be from now on is an mp3 download and ipod but seriously i have been to places that sell music and newer cds are still being made so will they go away or continue to be sold
The Answer
Eventually, they will be rare, and the major producers will move away from them.
It wont happen over night tho. Take a look at VHS and DVDs for a good example. Movies were first sold on DVDs in the late 1990s (1995-1998 across the modern world). It wasn't until 2003 that DVDs were more common in the States than VHS tapes. I think it was 2007 when Blockbuster stopped carrying VHS tapes for rentals.
Even tho lots of people still have VHS players and old VHS movies, major Hollywood studios don't bother to issue releases on VHS anymore and no manufactures bother to make VHS players unless they are combo VHS and DVD players...
So VHS is dying. It's taken nearly 20 years, but it's almost gone now. In the next ten years, it'll be likely that virtually no one will make VHS tapes or players anymore.
So, will CDs go away? Yes. It will happen. It's already started to happen, but it'll probably be a decade, maybe even two, before they are gone for good.
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The Question
I've been talking to a guy I like a lot from another state. He's in Florida and I'm in Connecticut. We've been talking for 2 months now and a couple days ago he stops replying/won't answer any of the new texts I send. He only has an instagram, I have him added on there. He's liked and uploaded pictures since the 2 days have passed. Our ages are 19 and 26. I know that seems a little old for me but we have a lot in common and he's amazing! He does like me too and i know he isn't catfishing me. Don't worry. And we aren't together. Am I being too clingy or what?
I feel like I'm being a little clingy. I just thought he was different and perfect for me. We totally click when we're talking and it's amazing. He never said anything bad about me like i am too clingy/anything like that. And That night we weren't fighting at all. Any advice?
I am a female and the 19 year old to be clear.
The Answer
The only thing you aren't doing right, is not taking the message.
He's not replying because he doesn't want to reply. He's no longer interested. That is what 'stops returning calls' means.
Yes, it would be nice if everyone would be kind and respectful, straightforward and honest when they loose interest, but most people aren't. Especially online, where they can easily get away with ghosting and never having to face the person they disappeared on in real life.
You probably didn't do anything wrong, and even if you did, it's not like he's ever going to try and help you out by letting you know what it was. So, as hard as it is, all you can do is shrug this off as him being a jackass. It doesn't reflect on you personally. Frankly, it has far more to do with the long-distance, and online nature of your friendship. In most cases where ghosting happens, it's because the ghost found someone else, closer to home and more convenient.
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The Question
i meet this guy in August he's 31 im 23..i've grown a lot of feelings for him..he says he has feelings for me too and can see us together in the future but just wants to take things day by day and isn't ready to commit right now...but he's constantly saying he.thinks im beautiful and too good for him.he always concerned about me talking to my ex...we had sex for the first time Saturday and he said he didn't have condom and i told him i didn't have birth control. he said he'd be careful. ...he came inside of me and didn't even try to pull out..and said hopefully i didn't get u pregnant. .then he says im not ready for kids but if i was to have a baby i would want it buy you..then he starts talking being a family and so on...does he love me, or is this an accident or is he trying to trap me bc he doesn't want t comit but doesn't want me with anotherguy..
The Answer
Run! It's a trap!
Or an idiot, but very likely a manipulative, controlling ass.
He's probably not trying to get you pregnant, not deliberately. But his carelessness is so extreme that it's cruel and disrespectful. When you add controlling behaviours and his lack of a commitment to his not understanding the importance of safe sex, you end up with guy who is either a deeply mucked idiot, or a vicious user.
Let's assume the best - that he is simply screwed up and stupid - at 31 it's not like he's going to grow out of it, and you don't need to waste your time on someone with all these warning signs.
Finally, never EVER, trust someone to pullout unless you really want to have a baby with them. It's not an effective technique - even when a guy tries to do it.
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The Question
I am a 24 year old woman and last night I was in my bedroom watching movies and I thought I was home by myself but apparently I wasn't because I paused my movie to go into the kitchen to get some doughnuts and a sheriff beat on the window and I opened the door to see what that wanted and they asked me if my 20 year old cousin was hear because they had a warrant for his arrest and I said I don't know because I was in my room watching movies and then I turned around to look for my aunt because the officer asked to speak with my aunt so I went in to the computer room to go find her and I realized that my cousin that the officer asked for was in the computer room and i am like oh crap what do I do now because i have never been in this situation before until now and my cousin said shh.. don't tell them i am here so I went to the door to tell the officer that he was there and the officer asked me who I was talking to and I started shaking all over with fear and they said I thought you didn't know weather your cousin was here or not I said yes officer that true he said then who were you just talking to and to you not to tell us they were there and I started stuttering and they said it's your cousin isn't i just nodded and I asked if I was in trouble and the officer said he didn't know that he would have to investigate further so am i under investigation by the police will I wind up going to jail with my cousin or would they have arrested me then when they arrested my cousin am I going to jail ? If I do go to jail what would the charges be any answers to these questions would be greatly appreciated . Thanks. I am just really scared right now because I have a clean permanent record and I don't want that to change. I have never been in trouble with the law before and I don't want to start now .
The Answer
You are probably fine. As your cousin said: If they were going to arrest you, they probably would have done so right then and there.
Here's the thing about cops: Most of them don't actually get off on punishing scared young people for doing something stupid. They have bigger problems to deal with. You lying about your cousin not being home wasn't worth their time, and frankly, since you told them the truth rather quickly, it's unlikely they'd have any case against you anyways.
They asked you to stay outside with them because that's standard practice when they go into a home to get someone or exercise a warrant - keep the other people in one spot with police. It's for your safety, and their safety, to let the do their job without interference.
The asked you questions because that information is part of what they need to put in their report. They also want to make sure that you aren't in any danger, and that they can identify you. It's just them being thorough.
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The Question
it makes me mad to think of those things i mean ive been asked several times if i was married or dating which im neither and im not exactly ready for marraige and i do not know if im going to date or not but i dont like those kind of questions thatb idiotic people have asked im just not obsessed with dating or marraige so how can you make people stop asking you those questions
The Answer
You can't make it stop.
I agree that it is rude for people to ask young adults if they are married, or dating anyone, but much like asking a teenager or child what grade they are in - it's a standard cultural question. You aren't going to be able to make it stop.
If you start dating, you'll only have a few months before people start asking you when you plan to get married. If you get married, you've got a few months, maybe a year, before people start getting preoccupied with why you haven't had a baby yet.
Welcome to life.
There is no way to make this stop, especially if you are a woman. You are fighting thousands of years of cultural conditioning and expectations, and these sorts of expectations are going to follow you your entire life, and people will be curious, or downright rude, whenever you don't conform. They will call it concern, or conversation, but it's really just rude and it's something you need to learn to live with, and not let it bug you so much. You can do your best to surround yourself with like-minded people (my best friends would never think to badger my boyfriend and I about marriage) but other people will continue to ask these questions, and although it's tempting to go off on them and explain why that is a demeaning, intrusive and often sexist line of questioning, you are far better off to give a firm, but polite answer, and move on to other topics.
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The Question
So i asked a really close friend of mine out...lets call her V. V rejected me and it was kinda awkward for a week, about 2 weeks later everything was back to normal until we played truth or dare and someone told V to kiss me..so she did. During that week her 2 best-friends were telling me to ask her out again, and kept on saying "what if she likes you?". And finally yesterday there was a dance and she asked me if i could slowdance with her, i accepted and during the slowdance we were really close to each other, nose-to-nose. After the dance she thanked me... Do girls change their mind so easily?? What should i do??
The Answer
People change their minds all the time, not just girls.
She was brave and asked you to dance. You should be brave and ask her out again.
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The Question
My mom married a much younger guy last year, and living with him has been awkward because he flirts with me when my mom's not around. Yesterday when my mom was at work I was sitting on the couch watching a movie with my little brother and sister, they were sitting on the floor. My step dad came and sat by me. He put his hands in between my thighs over my jeans and started touching my breasts. He did while my sister and brother were sitting on the floor with their backs to us and it was dark. When he did that I was scared . I told him to stop and he told me not to tell him to stop. My sister & brother were watching the loud movie, so they weren't paying attention to us on the couch. I tried pushing him away and moving. He kept on bothering me the whole time and I was scared to get up and when my mom got home I went in my room. I never feel comfortable around him. He'll put his hand on my waist, rub my stomach and get too close to me in front of my mom and it feels uncomfortable, and he's always saying "You're beautiful" My mom thinks he's playing around. And he looks at me with perverted eyes, all the time. i know my mom loves him so much and I know she wont believe me & she'll stay with him because he has money and we have nowhere else to go. She has stayed with him even though he beat her up before.
The Answer
If you mother wont help you, you need to find an adult who will.
Another relative, a teacher, a coach, someone at school you can talk to about what is happening.
Your stepdad is sexually abusing you (this isn't harassment, it's abuse) and it MUST stop. It has to stop now, because if it doesn't, someday he might turn his attention to your little sister, or even brother. Abusers like to be powerful, and as long as he has power over other people, he's going to abuse them.
If you are an American, you can call this hotline, at rainn.org: 1.800.656.4673, to get some advice and support from a professional if you aren't sure what to do next.
But the most important thing is, if your mom isn't protecting you and your siblings, you need to tell someone who will.
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The Question
I'm a 21 year old female and I'm a server at a popular restaurant/sports bar. There's a dining area, then a separate room for the bar, then a bar top where the actual bartender works. When I wait on a table and they order any type of alcohol, I have to ring it in, then the bartender gets the order and makes the drink. Once it's ready, she puts it in a window for me to pick up and take to my table.
The problem is that she doesn't make the drinks very fast, causing my tables to get angry at ME because they have to wait so long on their drinks. Now, I understand when there is a dinner rush and we're busy and she has several drinks to make (after all, she makes the drinks for her bar customers, and every server's customers) In fact, she makes drinks fairly fast when we're busy because she HAS to. But when we're slow at 2pm on a Wednesday, she hangs out in the kitchen talking to other servers or managers, not even paying attention the drink orders.
With any other bartender, I just go tell them that I have a drink and politely ask them if they could go make it. But with this specific bartender, she gets mad if you ask her to do anything and she purposely waits longer. Even if she sees you put in an order, she doesn't find it rude to continue a conversation with another server and wait until SHE'S ready to make the drink. I don't understand how she's okay with purposely taking a long time to make drinks when she knows it makes our tables upset with us.
I would go tell a manager but they're all friends with her outside of work and the whole situation would blow up in my face. At one point, I even emailed corporate, in a very professional manner, stating how upset I was that she wasn't doing her job correctly, causing not only me, but ALL servers to suffer, and NOTHING was done about it. What do I do? I can't continue to have dissatisfied tables because she wants to slack off!
The Answer
If writing corporate had no effect but to cause push back on all the servers - then start looking for another job. Some places are just toxic, and there is nothing you can do to change it.
As other people have mentioned - reaching out to corporate was a good idea if you felt you'd be punished for speaking up by management.
Other than reaching out to corporate again, there are only a few things you can do - As Dragonflymagic suggested, you can offer to upset patrons to speak to a manager. That can be a good way to make management feel the 'pain' of a slow bartender.
Do NOT tell the patrons as much as Dragonflymagic suggested however. That kind of 'gossiping' could be grounds to fire you. Instead be honest, but not gossiping or chatty. If you tell people the truth, they are likely to understand where the problem lies. Tell them you had put their drink orders in right away, and that'll you'll follow up with the bartender. If they aren't satisfied with that, or if they complain second time, offer the manager.
Riling customers up with 'secrets' between you and them is NOT OKAY. It's a horrible customer service technique, it tacky and childish, and prone to backfiring. The truth is your best defence. Get their drink orders in ASAP, check back in on those orders each time the costumers mention it. Ignore her rudeness when you ask after something that a customer is waiting for. Then direct the issue to the manager.
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The Question
I've been using the two months injection then changed to a pill because my husband was complaining about it. He said that the reason why he doesn't want to have sex more often is because of the injection im using. Can the injection causes my husband to have low sex drive if im the one using it and not him?
The Answer
No. Your injection may effect your sex drive, but not his. He is full of shit.
If he has noticed that his sex drive has decreased, then as others have said, he needs to see a doctor.
If he wont see a doctor, but insists on blaming you, and your contraception choices, then you need to see a therapist and talk about your relationship. Because that behaviour raises a lot of concerns that this man might be controlling, and abusive.
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The Question
How do you break up or, tell a guy you dont want to be thier gf without hurting them??
The Answer
You can't.
Breaking up hurts.
If you try to hard not make sure to 'not hurt them' you run the risk of them not understanding that you are breaking up with them, and that is way worse in the long run.
Be honest. Be kind. Be clear. The kindest thing you can tell them is the truth, and that's probably gonna hurt.
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The Question
My question is: can verbal bullying make you physically ill? I was in science and a girl was mocking me to half the class and they were all laughing. I kept turning to try and say something but my teacher was there (she's strict but has a good heart) kept telling me not to (well, she said my name in a warning tone, and I knew what she meant.) After a while another girl on her side (we were in the middle of a class debate) and was imitating me and laughing with her and like calling me makes. At this point I was crying and (badly) attempting to hide it. Eventually I went to the bathrooms and had a cry. My (not close) friend cane in and asked if I was ok then said 'Woah, your burning up' I had a temperature and my stomach really hurt. I went home because I felt so sick. Is it possible it was because of the bullying? Because before science I was better than ever. All answers appreciated. :)
The Answer
Extreme negative emotions can make a person physically ill - grief, terror, shame or stress - can make anyone have a physical reaction as well - headaches, upset stomach, even pain and just general malaise.
There are also these things called panic attacks, and if your temperature rose, you probably had a panic attack, even just a milder one.
So yes, it's totally possible, even really likely, that your physical reaction was due to the emotional stress of being bullied.
There is no reason to be too worried, but this is a sign you need some help. A therapist or counsellor can give you some better tools to manage your feelings, so they don't manifest as physical illness. Although panic attacks are normal, and most people will experience them at some point, they can become dangerous and really destructive in your life if they get out of control.
You didn't do anything wrong - but to be happy and healthy in this world, you'll need to find some better tools to manage when other people are little monsters. Talk to a pro.
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The Question
My boyfriend and I are in high school and we've been dating for three weeks. I usually walk him to his classes and ask him questions but apparently, I'm doing something wrong. He told me Friday night, he wants me to talk to him more, instead of asking questions all the time but honestly that's all I know to say to him! I think I'm too worried about what to say to him than just talking to him...I really don't want our relationship to end soon or ever for that matter. He has a really sweet heart in him and I don't want to disappoint him. Any ideas? Help is much appreciated..thanks in advance!(:
The Answer
Maybe he needs to think of some questions to ask?
That's really the obvious solution. You ask questions because you are interested, and because are listening to his answers, you think of more questions.
It's pretty unfair of him to just ask you to do more work to create conversation, without thinking of how he could do more to contribute as well.
This is what I'd do: think of one or two things or stories to talk about (stories are good) and let him know it's okay to interrupt with questions. Ask him to ask questions, and participate that way as well. Asking questions is how we really learn about and understand each other. Simply having you "talk more" isn't going to get him what he wants. He needs to listen and follow up on what he has heard.
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The Question
I am a 14 year old female. I've asked previous questions regarding my grandmothers passing and anything family related. I brought that up because I feel that my question today may have something to do with it. Today it has been 3 months that my grandmother has passed away. Ever since my parents have had a tad bit of money issues. Well today I went to a local ice cream shop with my sister. We had already ordered what we wanted so we were just waiting for them to hand us the ice cream. The shop was completely alone. I turned around and a teenage guy I would say looked about 17 or 18 years old was talking to the cashier. I hadn't seen him walk in or heard the door open. He was talking to the cashier for a bit then another worker handed my ice cream. I was sitting down at one of the tables and I stood up to go get it at the counter. Nothing was on the floor, counter. Everything was clear. Then when I was walking back I noticed the guy had bent down to pick something up, he walked towards me and handed me a $10 bill. I was confused and he had said I dropped it. I received and thanked him thinking my sister may have dropped the bill. I asked and she had the bills already in her wallet. When I turned around to see if the guy was still there he was gone. We left right after and he was no where to be seen in the distance. I was confused and panicked. I'm thinking that maybe it was my grandmother letting me know that me and my family will get through this and that we'll soon regain the money we need to be able to carry on as we usually did.
The Answer
The logical explanation is that it was a coincidence. That a kind stranger tried to be kind.
The logical explanation is that you experienced something called confirmation bias. Confirmation bias happens when you have a strong existing belief, so you selectively interpret evidence to support that existing belief. A emotionally charged belief (like "My grandmother is watching out for us") or one that you'd very much like to be true is more likely to lead to an experience of confirmation bias, and the illusion that there is correlation between two events or situations that are not, in fact, associated with one another at all.
That's the logical explanation.
The explanation that your grandmother is sending signs to you from Heaven, is a spiritual and faith-based belief, and you can have that belief! No one can take that from you if that it what you feel and wish to believe. But that isn't the logical explanation for what you experienced.
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The Question
Well, let's start 2 years back. My boyfriend and I began dating early 2012, his daughter was just over a year old at this time. Well, his ex at this point had moved an hour and a half away with her new boyfriend and their daughter. I didn't understand the situation too well at the moment so I stayed out. I saw him angry and upset on the phone nearly everyday. After 6 months of dating my boyfriend took me on a drive to meet his daughter when he picked her up from daycare one day. Of course I immediately fell in love, but I also understood how big this was. Since I met her I have kept in mind how important it is that children don't have people come and go from their lives which is why my boyfriend and I try our best with each other. Well, shortly after I met her I began being harassed by baby mama. We had a "meeting" with her and both out boyfriends. She explained to me how important it was her daughter didn't have people come and go and how there was only one mom and dad. She yelled at my boyfriend right in front of me telling him that he has to stop sleeping with woman and bringing them in and out of her life. Well not even a day later a picture surfaces on Facebook of her boyfriend and daughter that read daddy and daughter. Well they broke up shortly after and since then she has had multiple partners and we have managed to stick together. Much drama has happened and she has said a lot of nasty misleading things. Well 2 years later we have a place and his daughter has her own room and spends a lot of time over here. I love that girl so much and it hit me I have been in her life the majority of it. I feel like a mom, I do all motherly duties like a mom, and I love her like a mom. I don't expect the title mom and I know that. It just drives me crazy that I can't refer to her as my daughter and when people ask who I am I draw a blank. I know it confuses her too sometimes. Well, the other day I was talking to her and she said "everything is not good you are my big sister." It immediately made my heart sink. I know she doesn't understand what to call me and I feel like she was told by her mother to call me sister. (Which to me is even more confusing) I told her I wasn't her sister but that I love her just like her mommy and daddy do and she repeated that I was her sister. Lately not having any title other than my name has begun to be so confusing and frustrating. What can I call myself? What are the boundaries to what I can say? I just know that her and I both find it confusing and I don't know how to explain to her what I am. How have other step mothers. Managed this? Any tips or advice? Because this is emotionally frustrating.
The Answer
Live with the confusion and frustration.
You've got lots of options - My family went with Mom Sue and Mom Ann, which isn't so bad when first names are short! You also have "Aunt" if you want it, and frankly, 'Big sister' is probably not so confusing for a three year old and likely frames your relationship in a way she can understand and appreciate very well.
But if what you really want is to be called Mom, then you need to live with the current confusion and frustration. You aren't Mom yet. She's too young to handle that - especially if her own mother rejects it.
I think you are managing this really well. You have told her honestly how you feel for her and love for her, and that's motherly.
But she is young, and shouldn't be torn between you and her mother over something so silly as titles. What you do for her, is far more important than what you are called. If her mother is pressuring her - either directly or indirectly - to call you 'sister' that is something you can invite her to share her feelings about, but it's not something you should challenge any further than reassuring her about the nature of your love for her.
The best thing you can do for her, when she is so very young, is to let her call you what makes her comfortable (even if it's only comfortable because of her mother's pressure). Don't let the fact that her mother is a malicious bitch, push you into a power struggle with her with this word. Her biologically mother owns that word until her daughter is able to choose to share it with you. She might be an awful person - but she has dibs.
When speaking to other people, call your relationship what you know it is - she is your boyfriend's daughter. This is a title that everyone can understand and respect, even if it's not the one you feel in your heart.
Any other boundaries to what you can, and can't say, should be discussed with your boyfriend. He's the one who will need to support any decision you make together, to his ex, but I still think the best thing you can do is take a deep breath, and realize that she is at an age where she is exploring labels but is unable to make any decisions on her own. It might be frustrating to you right now, but if you are in her life for the long haul, then the investment of patient respect now will pay off in long run. You can be her mother in your heart without being her mother in title. The title will probably come last - your actions now are the foundation on which it's built.
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The Question
So this male friend of mine (26) and I (21) moved in together back in March. Everything was cool for about four months. We eventually started sporadically having sex for two months, and then we stopped. Recently I tried to bring up the subject to him and he said he didn't want to anymore. My feelings were hurt and I was overwhelmingly confused. When I asked him why, he said, "I just want you as my roommate. That's it."
For this entire week, I've been trying my damnedest to pretend I was content with that logic. But what changed so quickly? I realize his decision is the smart one, but if he's attracted to me, why is he acting like this? I told him last night that I couldn't be friends with him and that I had to move out next March when our lease expires. He still hasn't said anything to me and I feel like I've just really fucked up. My questions are these: Why did he change his mind so quickly?
Was I right to be honest? Should I stick by my last statement or retract it?
The Answer
There is nothing wrong with either of you. You've both said what you want, and are now trying to make what you want happen. That might be sad, that you two don't want the same thing, but there is nothing wrong with either of you.
I can't know any more than you can, what changed his mind. There are lots of possible reasons - including lots of reasons that might have nothing at all to do with you.
But if he doesn't want to talk about it - you need to respect that.
You had a sexual relationship with him, and a roommate relationship with him. He decided that he didn't want the sexual relationship any more. If you don't want the roommate relationship either, than you are absolutely right to move out.
This is a break up, and part of breaking up with someone is not knowing. You don't get to know the details of his every thought, or decision, and he doesn't get to know yours, and the truth is there is probably nothing that either of you can say to make the other person feel better. Respecting that is the tough part.
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The Question
So I'd like the wash up my old teddy bear. It has sentimental value, as to be expected, and it really needs a washing as the far has become less fluffy and more..hard? Not really hard, but I'm not really sure how to explain it. Anyway, I was going to follow the directions at this link http://www.wikihow.com/Machine-Wash-Your-Teddy-Bear but when I finished reading and got down to the tips it says not to use heat when drying faux fur or the fur will melt. The directions above clearly state to dry in a dryer, which gets pretty hot. So I'm confused, can anyone explain this?
I'm assume faux fur is on all teddy bears or is that wrong? If so, how can I find out if mine has it or not?
The Answer
Your teddy might have polyester faux fur - many do - but only very, very old types of faux fur 'melt' at the heats that dryers can reach. Modern materials require much higher temperatures before they melt. If your bear is younger than 25, he can probably withstand a dryers heat.
BUT he doesn't need too. Air drying is fine, or you can use the "Tumble Dry" or "Air Dry" setting on your dryer. Pretty much every dryer has that setting. That means there will be no heat applied. Thrown in a few tennis balls (if your teddy doesn't have breakable eyes) or towels to help the teddy dry better.
If you are at all worried for your bear, hand washing and air drying are definitely the safer bet, and it's really not that difficult, but if your bear is 25 years or younger, than he was probably made strong enough to withstand the gentle cycle, and a tumble dry.
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The Question
My boyfriend is from another country and he is muslim. We have been dating for about 7 months now. He buys me lots of nice things (for no reason) constantly, and he is very sweet. He's always doing and saying nice things to me. He always goes out of his way, and meets my "demands" with things. haha I really care about him a lot.
The problem, is that he won't tell his parents about me. He says that they will think he is marrying me, and that he is never coming home. I think that is stupid, why can't he just tell him we are just dating? He said they won't understand and he wants to be sure that we are getting married first. Also, because of this he won't post pictures of me on facebook. (he doesn't have any pictures of any girl on his facebook) I asked why can't you just say I'm like a friend from class? & he says I don't understand, & they will wonder why out of nowhere he's put a picture up when hes never done it before..
I don't know, I understand it to an extent. I understand that if he tells his parents, they will think he is never coming home.
All of his friends here know about me, they've seen me, etc. I don't think he is cheating on me. He constantly gives me his phone to use & sends texts in front of me, etc. & I'm with him like all day, every day. He will even send facebook messages in front of me, etc.. I'm really not worried about that. I'd realy like some opinions from people who know about this culture, etc. Because i'm just having a hard time understanding!
The Answer
I would dump him.
I understand perfectly well that he wants to keep this from his parents. He is probably completely right: They wouldn't understand the concept of Western 'dating'. They might panic, or threaten him, for behaving against their wishes. If he is dependant on them for financial support, it could seriously mess up his education plans, and even if he doesn't need their money, it's totally fair that he doesn't want to expose himself to their judgement, or cause them pain and fear.
None of that makes him a horrible person - but it does make him a pretty lousy person to be the girlfriend of. His values are perfectly valid and understandable, but that doesn't mean they need to be okay by you.
He's not cheating on you, but he's also not doing the work to be with you, and after seven months together it's fair to start asking "If not now, when?" If he doesn't have a good, clear answer to that question (ie, at what point in a relationship he feels it's appropriate to let his parents know about it), then dumping him should be a serious consideration.
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The Question
My sister recently reentered an abusive relationship, that my parents paid money to get her out of. Previously before the few days that she remained broken up with him for, they dated for four years. She moved back in with him over a year ago, after getting a job at a local company.
On Wednesday morning, after she called the house at 4:00 in the morning, my family and I discovered things that we dislike about the boyfriend. For example, he suffers from severe alcoholism, so severe that his doctor prescribed him medication to get him to stop drinking. Additionally, we also discovered that she lied about his employment situation. Formerly, my sister told us that he found a job where they promoted him to general restaurant manager. Problem is, while he worked there for a short time, he was unemployed for the past two months.
My grandmother told her to drive down here and move back in. So, she took her cat and her dog and prepared to move back down here. Unfortunately he manipulated her, into going to see him, and re-exposed her to the rather dangerous situation. His ploy was that he was going to call the cops on her for stealing the car and that his father was dying. Everything turned out to be a lie, while his father was in critical care, he seems fine after pulling out of his quadruple bypass surgery, and the title was in her name. The title to the car that she apparently "stole" was in her name, so there was o way he could press charges against her. We tried to beg her not to go, but she went back anyway.
That night one of my sister's friends came over to pick up food and talk about the situation, since she was really upset that she went back there. My sister informed her friend that she wanted to go back home, and that her boyfriend was fighting with her and acting very nasty about her decision to call the cops on him. She also told her friend that she wanted to come back home.
That Thursday my mother worked to get her back home with us, where we knew she was safe. Her boyfriend drove her down to the ferry on a flat tire so that she could go to Bridgeport. She boarded the boat, and my father paid for her to take a cab home.
When she got home, she smiled and I swore that she was relieved to be out of the situation. Her friend came over and they stayed outside for a very long time. I swear that she told him it was over, because he kept on calling her and finally texted her that he needed to find something.
Then on Friday, she proceeded to have an attitude with everyone in the house. I attend college and attend class that morning, so I was not home for most of the day. My parents were pissed that she wanted to go back to CT with him. But again, it was another one of his elaborate stories to trap her into going back home. According to the legend, his best friend called the cops on him because he was suicidal and he needed her.
I feel like it's my fault that she went back to the situation, because instead of talking with her I fought with her. I tried apologizing after the fact, and told her that I was sorry and begged her not to go.
I have no idea what to do, I talked to my boyfriend and he told me that I need to call her. I'm not even sure if she will pick up the phone and tell the truth if something is happening. What are my legal standings, can I press charges against the bastard? I'm sorry, but he's manipulating her and there has to be some type of fraud that he should be charged with.
I'm the little sister, we're both adults though, I'm 22 and she's 28. The pathetic little boy, who she claims to be the love of her life, is 34 years old. My parents are so irritated with her, and refuse to let her come back home until she gives him up for good. What do I do? I really want him in jail, because I feel like this might give her thinking time without and make her realize that he is no good for her.
The Answer
You haven't described anything criminal. It's painful, but true: There are many, many truly horrible things one person can do to another which are simply not illegal.
The only thing that comes even close to being a legal issue is the threat of telling the police that the car was stolen - that maybe, MAYBE could qualify as extortion, but I doubt it even makes the cut on that one - and even if it did, she would have to press charges, you can't do it for her.
Your sister is in crisis, and sounds like she is suffering from her own mental health issues, as well as his behaviour. Honestly, as someone whose watched their siblings go through some awful relationship and drug issues, my advice to you is to yes, call her and apologize. DON'T drag up what a horrible person he is, or what a lazy slob she is. Just apologize. When we do something wrong, we accept it and apologize.
I'd also encourage your parents to leave the door open for her to return whenever she wants. I know it's tempting to get angry and say "You can't, or else." but the truth is that the abuse and mental illness fester and gets worse through isolation. You are doing half this assholes job for him if you cut her off and close down communication.
So call her, and leave a message for her if she doesn't pick up. Let her know that you are sorry, and that you value your relationship with her, even though you know you wont always agree.
It's hard to take the high road. It's even harder to take the high road when someone is ignoring reality all together, but the best thing you can do for her is to let her know she has a way out, when she's ready to take it.
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The Question
a gal i became acquainted with, (just friends) we have established that...has a large boxer pit lab mix. she uses him for protection & companionship & will not listen most of the time. The dog is a big baby, but will attack other dogs...even people, (as it bit her grandson) who still bears scar of teeth marks. Now both get along well, but the parents cannot get near it. ...or anyone else, so far. i walk him, give him treats & play. (he plays rough)Cannot seem to get thru to her that this dog, (she loves) is gonna hurt someone sooner or later & is holding her up fron getting a place, which i would gladly pay for as her incomb will be monthly very soon. So she lives in a car with all her property she did not sell yet. no one around here allows dogs over 30lbs. She is in bad health & getting worse. i feel for her, but can see suisidal temptations. i have tried everything. Such a sweet, smart gal who is really mixed up. Help.
The Answer
You could find an animal rescue or foster individual, and talk to your friend about willingly surrendering the dog to someone better equipped to care for it and train it.
If she wont do that, you could call your local animal shelter for advice, or even call animal control services - as it's nearly certain that forcing a dog to live in your car with you is not legal - but other than that, your options are pretty limited.
Your friend is in crisis. The dog isn't the cause of her crisis, it's more a symptom, but it's also a factor that is stopping her from getting the help she needs. If you can't help her see that, it might honestly be time to get the authorities involved, for her own sake and the sake of the dog
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The Question
i am dating a guy who is 29 years older than me. he is divorced not because of me though i met him later and has 2 kids one is older by a year and the other is in middle school. we have been dating 2 yrs and through out the relationship his son has been doing things and saying things to me that are important to know for the father. we stay together so i find it that he should know but when i tell him and he questions him he denies it. he says he never said those things and we end up arguing a lot. he even lies to the father infront of me about me and i try and defend myself but i end up getting introuble. how do i deal with this i always come out the liar and he always comes out the angel when it is opposite?? i love him more than anything but his son is driving me out the door how do i go about and solve such a problem??
The Answer
You haven't given us nearly enough to go on here, but the best advice I can offer is to go see a therapist. See one with your partner, if he'll come, or go by yourself if he wont.
Clearly, whatever you are doing right now isn't working. Frankly, I find the whole relationship very troubling when you say you are dating an older man who consistently disbelieves you, and who you 'get in trouble' with. That doesn't sound like a healthy relationship between equals.
So see a therapist to get new skills and techniques to tackle the problem.
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