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Step mom is an ugly word
Well, let's start 2 years back. My boyfriend and I began dating early 2012, his daughter was just over a year old at this time. Well, his ex at this point had moved an hour and a half away with her new boyfriend and their daughter. I didn't understand the situation too well at the moment so I stayed out. I saw him angry and upset on the phone nearly everyday. After 6 months of dating my boyfriend took me on a drive to meet his daughter when he picked her up from daycare one day. Of course I immediately fell in love, but I also understood how big this was. Since I met her I have kept in mind how important it is that children don't have people come and go from their lives which is why my boyfriend and I try our best with each other. Well, shortly after I met her I began being harassed by baby mama. We had a "meeting" with her and both out boyfriends. She explained to me how important it was her daughter didn't have people come and go and how there was only one mom and dad. She yelled at my boyfriend right in front of me telling him that he has to stop sleeping with woman and bringing them in and out of her life. Well not even a day later a picture surfaces on Facebook of her boyfriend and daughter that read daddy and daughter. Well they broke up shortly after and since then she has had multiple partners and we have managed to stick together. Much drama has happened and she has said a lot of nasty misleading things. Well 2 years later we have a place and his daughter has her own room and spends a lot of time over here. I love that girl so much and it hit me I have been in her life the majority of it. I feel like a mom, I do all motherly duties like a mom, and I love her like a mom. I don't expect the title mom and I know that. It just drives me crazy that I can't refer to her as my daughter and when people ask who I am I draw a blank. I know it confuses her too sometimes. Well, the other day I was talking to her and she said "everything is not good you are my big sister." It immediately made my heart sink. I know she doesn't understand what to call me and I feel like she was told by her mother to call me sister. (Which to me is even more confusing) I told her I wasn't her sister but that I love her just like her mommy and daddy do and she repeated that I was her sister. Lately not having any title other than my name has begun to be so confusing and frustrating. What can I call myself? What are the boundaries to what I can say? I just know that her and I both find it confusing and I don't know how to explain to her what I am. How have other step mothers. Managed this? Any tips or advice? Because this is emotionally frustrating.
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Rahzie is absolutely right.
I am your boyfriend in my own life story. I am dating an amazing woman who has fallen head over heels for my son, and my ex hates that I have a woman living with me who is around my son every time I am. We are being conscientious, this is a woman I plan to marry and have more kids with and our relationship is very serious, and my son is 18 months old so as far as he is going to remember, my girlfriend (eventually wife) will have always been there.
Right now, he knows her by her first name. He's far too young to understand and differentiate between "mom" and "step mom" and so everyone just has a name and right now he knows her by hers.
Her designation is going to change in the future, and we don't know how. It might come up with my ex first where she decides to do what your daughter's bio-mom did and specifically sets a designation for him that applies to you that makes her happy and comfortable.
We'll figure it out, but what is most important right this second is to not create conflict between you and bio-mom. My son and your daughter are not old enough to choose their own designations. There will come a time, and when it comes I will let my son know that he has every right to call my future wife "Mom" too. We'll work that out when it's pertinent, right now what's more pertinent are the roles being understood.
See, there are really three different issues here. Name, label, and role.
Name is what the kid calls you directly, like if she wants your attention. Personally, we're starting my son with my girlfriend's name and then "Ms. Firstname" when he's a little older.
Label, we won't worry about for a while. Mom, step mom, big sister. The only thing we're going to emphasize (and this is what you need to emphasize) is that the kid has a direct relationship with you. "Daddy's girlfriend" is not acceptable, sister should be. It may not be fun and may be confusing to you, but remember that to a kid her age a label is devoid of exterior meanings. She doesn't understand what sister is supposed to be according to society, she only understand what sister is to her.
Which brings us to the third, role. This is where your boyfriend comes in again. It's his job to emphasize the role along with you. You have parental authority, you can say no and he will back you up, you can say yes and that sticks too. Provide the kid with a united front, make sure your boyfriend and you stay on the same page and do not disagree in front of your daughter. It's ok to disagree in private and change a previous decision later, children can understand that, they adapt quickly to the idea that decisions can be subject to change.
We do that with my son and he has figured it out, and now he looks to my girlfriend for permission when I'm not around, and he treats her more like a parent and guardian than a friendly acquaintance. It helps that we provide a very united front, it's little things like knowing limits for him to the point that we both react simultaneously that drive it home.
I had custody this weekend (he doesn't live with me right now) and he reached for something he wasn't supposed to and she and I both reacted at the same moment with an emphatic "No!" He looked between us, got the message, and desisted. She has authority because I have consciously acted to put her in situations to exercise it and back her up when he goes to me like "Daddy she's trying to make me do something and I don't want to, tell me I don't have to!" He's not that good with words, but as a parent I'm sure you know exactly what I'm talking about.
We take turns changing diapers, he knows he can come to either of us with a request and that the answer will be the same no matter which of us he chooses. We both feed him, we both pick him up and hold him. He still shows a strong preference for me in some cases, I'm Daddy and really other than his great grandmother I'm his favorite, but if I tell him I can't pick him up he can understand I'm busy and will go to her, that kind of thing.
It isn't going to be easy. He's going to prefer Daddy possibly all his life, and you won't ever be equal to his bio-mom either if she's a halfway decent parent. But as he gets older he will understand and appreciate the difference between his parents who loved him exactly like he was supposed to and you who loved him for no other reason than that you chose to, and he will value that as well.
But if you can deal with it and work with your boyfriend on being a team with him in front of your daughter, she will adapt to that reality and accept it as normal. She will treat you like mom even if she doesn't use that label or name. And the day may well come when she chooses of her own volition to call you mom, or give you a designation that lets you know she thinks of you as a mother too.
One thing I do think you should have no problem with is setting your own designation for her. She's young, you can be big sister and she can be your daughter. Kids can work with that, and you might want to talk with your boyfriend about calling her your daughter. My girlfriend calls my son her son, and does so in front of him. Whether he picks up mom and starts using it, he is learning that her relationship with him is mostly the same as my relationship with him.
Just remember, the kid's well being is paramount here, even if it makes you uncomfortable or sad. You want to be mom, you want the recognition. There may well be no way for you to get that right now. She's young, she's not old enough to make those decisions for herself. Trying to correct her pits you against what her mother tells her, which is not a fight you want to start at this age. She has to decide mom is wrong on her own, or redefine her own perceptions on her own.
Your job is to behave as a mother, and treat her as if she were your own daughter. So long as she understands and responds to your role, and your boyfriend reinforces it, everything else has to just be allowed to develop on it's own and you have to deal with it as best you can.
Though, if your daughter's mother starts causing trouble like telling her daughter that she doesn't have to obey you, that merits a serious confrontation with both you and your boyfriend present and the daughter not. Don't put up with that shit, and if your daughter comes and directly states that she doesn't have to listen to you because mommy said so, get legal advice on what you can do about that kind of alienation of affection, because by doing that to you, she's hurting your boyfriends status as a father and authority figure.
If that issue ever comes up, find the best custody attorney you can and go get some legal advice on what you can do about it and if it's possible to build a custody case around it, and get the kid away from a bad parent who will use her as a weapon to hurt her ex and her ex's new partner.
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Live with the confusion and frustration.
You've got lots of options - My family went with Mom Sue and Mom Ann, which isn't so bad when first names are short! You also have "Aunt" if you want it, and frankly, 'Big sister' is probably not so confusing for a three year old and likely frames your relationship in a way she can understand and appreciate very well.
But if what you really want is to be called Mom, then you need to live with the current confusion and frustration. You aren't Mom yet. She's too young to handle that - especially if her own mother rejects it.
I think you are managing this really well. You have told her honestly how you feel for her and love for her, and that's motherly.
But she is young, and shouldn't be torn between you and her mother over something so silly as titles. What you do for her, is far more important than what you are called. If her mother is pressuring her - either directly or indirectly - to call you 'sister' that is something you can invite her to share her feelings about, but it's not something you should challenge any further than reassuring her about the nature of your love for her.
The best thing you can do for her, when she is so very young, is to let her call you what makes her comfortable (even if it's only comfortable because of her mother's pressure). Don't let the fact that her mother is a malicious bitch, push you into a power struggle with her with this word. Her biologically mother owns that word until her daughter is able to choose to share it with you. She might be an awful person - but she has dibs.
When speaking to other people, call your relationship what you know it is - she is your boyfriend's daughter. This is a title that everyone can understand and respect, even if it's not the one you feel in your heart.
Any other boundaries to what you can, and can't say, should be discussed with your boyfriend. He's the one who will need to support any decision you make together, to his ex, but I still think the best thing you can do is take a deep breath, and realize that she is at an age where she is exploring labels but is unable to make any decisions on her own. It might be frustrating to you right now, but if you are in her life for the long haul, then the investment of patient respect now will pay off in long run. You can be her mother in your heart without being her mother in title. The title will probably come last - your actions now are the foundation on which it's built.
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While I have not been in your situation I do know people who have and how they have handled the problems you are facing. Before I address the issue of what to have the little girl call you there is a more important issue to address here.
You are correct in what you addressed about people floating in and out of the little girls life. It is confusing for her now and later in life will be a cause of great concern when her parents explain to her about sex and waiting. Watching multiple partners float in an out of her mothers life for whatever period of her life this may continue will sound hypocritical. Some what; do as I say not as I do, when she looks at her mother.
If you and your boyfriend are planning on making your relationship a permanent then your home would be the more stable environment in which to raise that little girl. Once again if this is where your relationship is headed then you need to speak with your boyfriend about your willingness to raise his child in your home and to urge him to seek a modification in custody. One where he has custodial custody and his ex has visitation and pays support.
As to what the little girl should call you. She can if course call you Miss ____ or she can call you Aunt ____. Children sometimes call unrelated adults they are close to Aunt or Uncle. I called a close Neighbors of mine Aunt & Uncle as did their son refer to my parents as Aunt and Uncle. While this is preferable to Miss _____ the answer I prefer is this one.
I while back we had a similar question. This young lady wanted to call her stepmother mom as well as her mother since she felt she was as close to or closer to her stepmom then her biological mom. She wanted to know if calling her stepmom Mom2 was acceptable.
I see no reason she could not refer to you as mom2 provided you and your boyfriend are headed to the alter. Of course there is nothing wrong with being referred to as stepmom either when the time comes. Until then or if you are unsure whether or not you and your boyfriend are headed to the altar then I believe it is quite acceptable for the little girl to introduce you as Aunt _______ or for you to refer to yourself as Aunt _______.
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