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i love him more than anything but his son is driving me out the door...
i am dating a guy who is 29 years older than me. he is divorced not because of me though i met him later and has 2 kids one is older by a year and the other is in middle school. we have been dating 2 yrs and through out the relationship his son has been doing things and saying things to me that are important to know for the father. we stay together so i find it that he should know but when i tell him and he questions him he denies it. he says he never said those things and we end up arguing a lot. he even lies to the father infront of me about me and i try and defend myself but i end up getting introuble. how do i deal with this i always come out the liar and he always comes out the angel when it is opposite?? i love him more than anything but his son is driving me out the door how do i go about and solve such a problem??
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I have no problem with couples who have a big age difference. It isn't the norm. but it is possible to have a healthy productive relationship.
Right now, yours doesnt sound healthy.
You did not give your age. If you are under 18, the legal age of consent, then you need to wait until you are before being with anyone older, otherwise this guy could end up in jail.
What you do say is the other is in middle school.
What I am not sure of is the phrase, "one is older by a year"
That could mean the older brother is older than the middle schooler by a year, or that he is one year older than you. That is what I base my answer on. Most people on the average have kids 2 -3 yrs apart. Its rare but some might have an age spacing of 5 or 10 yrs when theres none in between, but like i said, rare. A middle schooler is 11-12 or 12-13. So an older brother by 5 yrs is 17-18 which puts you at 16-17. If a 10 yr age difference is between brothers he might be as old as 22-23 or anywhere in between with you at the very oldest, 21-22. But ten years is very unlikely. So I am guessing that you are a senior in high school or just one year out of school.
I know we all feel so grown up at that point, but looking back, I can see I made a big mistake jumping into things and marrying at 20.
The biggest problem here dear is that for all humans, their bodies develop faster than the frontal part of our brain that controls being able to make good decisions, good judgement calls, look ahead to see possible pitfalls or consequences of going a certain path.
Right now you're looking through rose colored glasses of love, of having a man who has interest in you. This part of the brain isn't complete until our mid twenties so any decisions we make before then, could really end up being very crappy ones, or at least not in our best interest.
My advice is that it is best to get out of the relationship and wait until you are older with more life experience so you have it easier to see for yourself whether it is true love and a healthy relationship between you and this man or whether you are in an unhealthy relationship and possibly just being used.
Here are some facts:
His son, being only a yr older still has the under developed brain and will do silly or stupid things or make trouble for no reason at all. It could have a reason, he may resent that dad is dating someone the age that he normally dates.
Another fact: Some people go through mid-life crisis. Often for men in the I have no problem with couples who have a big age difference. It isn't the norm. but it is possible to have a healthy productive relationship.
Right now, yours doesnt sound healthy.
You did not give your age. If you are under 18, the legal age of consent, then you need to wait until you are before being with anyone older, otherwise this guy could end up in jail.
What you do say is the other is in middle school.
What I am not sure of is the phrase, "one is older by a year"
That could mean the older brother is older than the middle schooler by a year, or that he is one year older than you. Most people on the average have kids 2 -3 yrs apart. Its rare but some might have an age spacing of 5 or 10 yrs when theres none in between, but like i said, rare. A middle schooler is 11-12 or 12-13. So an older brother by 5 yrs is 17-18 which puts you at 16-17. If a 10 yr age difference is between brothers he might be as old as 22-23 or anywhere in between with you at the very oldest, 21-22. But ten years is very unlikely. So I am guessing that you are a senior in high school or just one year out of school.
I know we all feel so grown up at that point, but looking back, I can see I made a big mistake jumping into things and marrying at 20.
The biggest problem here dear is that for all humans, their bodies develop faster than the frontal part of our brain that controls being able to make good decisions, good judgement calls, look ahead to see possible pitfalls or consequences of going a certain path.
Right now you're looking through rose colored glasses of love, of having a man who has interest in you. This part of the brain isn't complete until our mid twenties so any decisions we make before then, could really end up being very crappy ones, or at least not in our best interest.
Here are some facts:
1. His son, being only a yr older still has the under developed brain and will do silly or stupid things or make trouble for no reason at all.( It could have a reason, he may resent that dad is dating someone the age that he normally dates).
2. Some people have mid-life crisis's which for men in the age range of yours often includes dating a much younger female as a way of feeling younger and reclaiming their youth. Such dating is more often a using of the younger person to make themselves feel better rather than a real deep serious healthy love relationship.
You are too young to know what your situation really is, even much older females can be fooled or misread a relationship. I'd like you to keep that thought in mind.
As to how to solve the problem? If the man you love believes his son over you, you have two problems, a son who makes trouble for you and a partner who doesnt believe you or trust you.
Trust is very important in a relationship. Without it, the relationship fails.
someone suggested counseling. Counseling will only help if this man is very serious about you and wanting to keep you in his life, if he truly loves you and wants to save the relationship. Right now, I can't say that he believes he has any issue that needs counseling. So you will have to outline what you see the issues to be that need intervention from a counselor and be able to present it to him.
If you want, you might say that you want to be given the benefit of the doubt, that you have done nothing wrong and you suspect the son is upset with the fact his dads girlfriend is his age and he is doing what he can to either make you miserable enough to leave, or to make you look bad enough that his dad breaks up with you. You feel that because of this you all need to go for counseling. If he is not willing to or doesnt believe it isn't of a serious enough nature, then you can stay and be miserable until either he kicks you out or you finally crack and get depressed and hopefully wake up and leave.
Just the fact that dad believes son over you is a big issue. YOu are closer to both sons ages so you will never be an authority figure in their eyes, you're like a kid sister to pester, they will never see you as an adult in relationship with another adult who happens to be their dad. The only authority figure in their lives is dad. I don't know anything about how he raised them or his parenting style but he is the only key to getting the kids to accept you or at least treat you civilly. The one boy or both may lose respect for their dad and choose to not listen to him no matter what and just rebel.
For many, blood relations are more important than the person entering the relationship or marriage who will only be connected by a vow or promise.
I do not know if there have been any vows or promises. It is easy and cheap to say I love you. But putting actions behind those 3 words are much harder and not everyone will do it. Some people never learn how to put action to where their mouth is. We don't have enough detail to know what is really going on.
My own opinion is that this man is going through mid life crisis and wanted a young female to date in order to help him feel young again. But mid life crisis people are not the best prospect for a long term or life long relationship. More often than not, they're in the relationship for what it does for them, not as much of what they can do for the partner. I could be wrong but time will tell.
Without input from outside the relationship such as through counseling, there isn't much hope. If he is truly in love with you, he would consider you his best friend, you both have great chemistry and are each others sexual equals, just as in any healthy relationship, both put in equal effort and maximum effort to make the relationship work, both people of the relationship can say they are "in love" with the other, not just attracted to, strongly like, or love them as a nice human, like one loves their teacher, loves their friend, loves their relatives. Without being 'in love' which is the state at which you and this man need to be at to have a relationship that will last, be positive and healthy, your relationship with him is far from perfect and most likely will fail.
If I were you, I would be trying to find out exactly how he feels about me. Don't accept detour statement to get you thinking of something else, "Didn't I remember your birthday, don't I bring you flowers, or of course you're special. Those are not the words you want to hear, you want to hear the words from his lips that he is in love with you and wants to spend this rest of his life with you and will not let anything get in the way of the relationship.
If he cannot say those and then back them up, he obviously doesnt care about you as you care about him. If that were the case, I would leave him immediately.
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You haven't given us nearly enough to go on here, but the best advice I can offer is to go see a therapist. See one with your partner, if he'll come, or go by yourself if he wont.
Clearly, whatever you are doing right now isn't working. Frankly, I find the whole relationship very troubling when you say you are dating an older man who consistently disbelieves you, and who you 'get in trouble' with. That doesn't sound like a healthy relationship between equals.
So see a therapist to get new skills and techniques to tackle the problem.
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