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I Need to Get My Sister's Abuser Arrested
My sister recently reentered an abusive relationship, that my parents paid money to get her out of. Previously before the few days that she remained broken up with him for, they dated for four years. She moved back in with him over a year ago, after getting a job at a local company.
On Wednesday morning, after she called the house at 4:00 in the morning, my family and I discovered things that we dislike about the boyfriend. For example, he suffers from severe alcoholism, so severe that his doctor prescribed him medication to get him to stop drinking. Additionally, we also discovered that she lied about his employment situation. Formerly, my sister told us that he found a job where they promoted him to general restaurant manager. Problem is, while he worked there for a short time, he was unemployed for the past two months.
My grandmother told her to drive down here and move back in. So, she took her cat and her dog and prepared to move back down here. Unfortunately he manipulated her, into going to see him, and re-exposed her to the rather dangerous situation. His ploy was that he was going to call the cops on her for stealing the car and that his father was dying. Everything turned out to be a lie, while his father was in critical care, he seems fine after pulling out of his quadruple bypass surgery, and the title was in her name. The title to the car that she apparently "stole" was in her name, so there was o way he could press charges against her. We tried to beg her not to go, but she went back anyway.
That night one of my sister's friends came over to pick up food and talk about the situation, since she was really upset that she went back there. My sister informed her friend that she wanted to go back home, and that her boyfriend was fighting with her and acting very nasty about her decision to call the cops on him. She also told her friend that she wanted to come back home.
That Thursday my mother worked to get her back home with us, where we knew she was safe. Her boyfriend drove her down to the ferry on a flat tire so that she could go to Bridgeport. She boarded the boat, and my father paid for her to take a cab home.
When she got home, she smiled and I swore that she was relieved to be out of the situation. Her friend came over and they stayed outside for a very long time. I swear that she told him it was over, because he kept on calling her and finally texted her that he needed to find something.
Then on Friday, she proceeded to have an attitude with everyone in the house. I attend college and attend class that morning, so I was not home for most of the day. My parents were pissed that she wanted to go back to CT with him. But again, it was another one of his elaborate stories to trap her into going back home. According to the legend, his best friend called the cops on him because he was suicidal and he needed her.
I feel like it's my fault that she went back to the situation, because instead of talking with her I fought with her. I tried apologizing after the fact, and told her that I was sorry and begged her not to go.
I have no idea what to do, I talked to my boyfriend and he told me that I need to call her. I'm not even sure if she will pick up the phone and tell the truth if something is happening. What are my legal standings, can I press charges against the bastard? I'm sorry, but he's manipulating her and there has to be some type of fraud that he should be charged with.
I'm the little sister, we're both adults though, I'm 22 and she's 28. The pathetic little boy, who she claims to be the love of her life, is 34 years old. My parents are so irritated with her, and refuse to let her come back home until she gives him up for good. What do I do? I really want him in jail, because I feel like this might give her thinking time without and make her realize that he is no good for her.
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This is truly a case of where you can lead a horse to water but cannot make it drink. Your sister is an adult responsible for her own actions. While mental cruelty is wrong it is not always looked at as legally abusive as it is hard to prove even with the victims compliance. Battery on the other hand is something illegal that if you witness you can charge him with. If you don't witness you can report it to the police to investigate. You do not say that your sisters relationship has escalate to domestic violence if it has then report him.
As for your responsibility here; you are not responsible for the situation your sister is in. No matter how much guilt you may feel; your sister makes her own choices and must live by the choices she makes. This is what is so aggravating to your parents that the choices she is making are so harmful to her.
It is unfortunate that the only option available to you is to sit and observe. Should you see something that you can report to the police don't hesitate to do so, each and every time you see something. Maybe if he gets tired of being arrested he will leave your sister.
The only other thing you can do is be there for your sister when and if she comes to her senses which she may eventually do. We all have our breaking points. It's called hitting bottom. Until we do there is not anything anyone can do for us until we reach that point and want help.
You say her boyfriend is an alcoholic. He will not give up the alcohol until he realizes he is an alcoholic and wants help. The medication the doctor gave him to help him stop drinking is meant to make him sick if he drinks. He will stop the medication, not the drinking.
I know this for my brother in-law is a 25+ year recovering Alcoholic. The part about hitting bottom before asking for help comes right from Alcoholics Anonymous. It is one of the first steps to recovery. Until then there is nothing you can do to force a change on someone be they an alcoholic or in an abusive relationship.
As much as it may hurt to do so all you can do is observe and be there for her. Watch out for your sister, step in when you can and be there when she needs you. Most importantly do not put any of the blame for her present situation on yourself or anyone else, including your parents. Your sister is the only one responsible for the situation she is in.
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You haven't described anything criminal. It's painful, but true: There are many, many truly horrible things one person can do to another which are simply not illegal.
The only thing that comes even close to being a legal issue is the threat of telling the police that the car was stolen - that maybe, MAYBE could qualify as extortion, but I doubt it even makes the cut on that one - and even if it did, she would have to press charges, you can't do it for her.
Your sister is in crisis, and sounds like she is suffering from her own mental health issues, as well as his behaviour. Honestly, as someone whose watched their siblings go through some awful relationship and drug issues, my advice to you is to yes, call her and apologize. DON'T drag up what a horrible person he is, or what a lazy slob she is. Just apologize. When we do something wrong, we accept it and apologize.
I'd also encourage your parents to leave the door open for her to return whenever she wants. I know it's tempting to get angry and say "You can't, or else." but the truth is that the abuse and mental illness fester and gets worse through isolation. You are doing half this assholes job for him if you cut her off and close down communication.
So call her, and leave a message for her if she doesn't pick up. Let her know that you are sorry, and that you value your relationship with her, even though you know you wont always agree.
It's hard to take the high road. It's even harder to take the high road when someone is ignoring reality all together, but the best thing you can do for her is to let her know she has a way out, when she's ready to take it.
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Unless a person has been declared by drs. insane or mentally incapable of taking care of themselves, then if they willingly go back to abusive situations there is nothing anyone can to do help. Just wait and hope that one day, she'll wake up and have had enough. I lived with verbal, and emotional abuse for 30 yrs before I left. We were involved in church. My relational with God is what kept me sane, otherwise, a person can end up giving up much of theirselves away to the other person, giving up their rights, needs, and wants, giving up control.
People in a situation like that have something they need to learn, and thats why they are in that situation, if it wasn't him, then successfully getting her away from him, years down the road, she'd like meet someone else similar and start the process again with another guy. It continues until the lesson is learned or they run out of lifetime. In my case, the lesson to learn was to love myself enough to no longer subject myself to abusive behavior. But it can be scary to make that break for many different reasons, my main one was financial and thats a big one for many. Its not your sisters case but something is keeping her there. Once the mental abuse starts and they manipulate things so that you get to a point where you don't know if you are crazy and imagining things or what, the mental turmoil of abuse can put you somewhere where you can't think logically or think straight anymore and it takes little effort on the part of the abuser to just make a little threat which is obviously flimsy and so easy to see through for everyone except the abused. I was there. I had to find inner strength to make the break. Even my adult daughters were opposed to me making the break away at first from their dad. But with me gone, it took little time for him to need someone else to dump on and he did his best with each daughter. None of them want to see him anymore. The best you can do is pray for her guardian angels to get through to her, for her to start being able to hear her inner higher voice, and to choose to want to change her life and get away from him for good. So You always have to remain open to take her in once she comes looking for help. And hopefully one of those times she will be strong enough to stay away.
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