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what's wrong with me/him?
So this male friend of mine (26) and I (21) moved in together back in March. Everything was cool for about four months. We eventually started sporadically having sex for two months, and then we stopped. Recently I tried to bring up the subject to him and he said he didn't want to anymore. My feelings were hurt and I was overwhelmingly confused. When I asked him why, he said, "I just want you as my roommate. That's it."
For this entire week, I've been trying my damnedest to pretend I was content with that logic. But what changed so quickly? I realize his decision is the smart one, but if he's attracted to me, why is he acting like this? I told him last night that I couldn't be friends with him and that I had to move out next March when our lease expires. He still hasn't said anything to me and I feel like I've just really fucked up. My questions are these: Why did he change his mind so quickly?
Was I right to be honest? Should I stick by my last statement or retract it?
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When you moved in together in March, you said he was a male friend, not your sweetheart, someone you were dating. So I must assume this 'moving in together' was only to have a roommate to share rent with, someone you already knew and trusted.
One of my daughters did the same thing two years ago and like you, about 7 mos later he stopped dating her. She couldn't handle it, seeing him and having the memories of what she cant have now and she moved out.She also told him she could no longer be his friend and moved right away. SO I understand how you feel.
Before becoming sexual with a guy, since it is easier and also faster that a females heart becomes hooked on a guy when sex is involved, it is important to clearly state what ground you're standing on before having sex. Remember that for next time, and he doesnt have to be a roommate for this to apply. You or he can admit you feel the attraction or draw physically but that you aren't promising anything more. Right now, all you are is room mates with sex benefits. It depends on how your decide to wrap your mind around it. It is a very healthy thing to have a sexual outlet when you don't have a sweetheart in your life, an outlet where you know the person and they are a decent person.
He may have his own reasons why it didn't feel right to continue having sex with you that have nothing to do with you.It could be something/an issue he has that he hasnt come to the realization yet or is just trying to deny it. So pressing him for more won't help but hurt.
When it comes to relating to a guy, you can not assume anything...not even the simplest thing that seems obvious to you. That is where females make a big mistake. Be an open book. Don't hide your thoughts or suspicions to yourself. Start sharing your thought processes and how they had led you to asking the following questions, you don't want to get stuck assuming things.
What seems obvious like a guy saying I love you, may not mean he is in love with you and wants you in his life forever. I really LOVE a good coconut ice-cream and it's rare to find it. As much as I like it, I won't shrivel up and die if I don't get it. I really love some actors or actresses for how good they are at expressions and making a role believable but that love doesnt mean i love them like a best freind or boyfriend. There are several degrees and levels to love and what you need to discover within yourself first is at what level of love you need the guy to be to get into a relationship with him. If you know you wont be able to handle anything going south, then don't compromise your ideals, settle for less and get into a rooming situation or a relationship or take on a sex partner if you know you can't handle it.
While maybe your male friend could do better at communication, its a two way street and the only one you have an ability to work on and improve is yourself hon. You made a rash statement that you couldn't be friends with him. So he is trying to pretend he isn't there and not talk to you because of your request to not be friends. He is simply following your request, that does not make him mean, revengeful or having some other bad attitude.
BTW... My daughter made exact same statement and got the exact same treatment which made her feel even worse. So don't blame him. Decide what you want. He seems willing to be your room mate and on a friend basis. You could ask him if that is still the case. Apologize to him for making a rash statement about no longer being able to be friends with him. You might explain that you realized that on a subconscious level, your mind read more into your being sex partners than there was to it and now feels hurt.
( Was I right to be honest?) Telling him you can't be friends from a reactionary basis of hurt, is not a matter of being honest. It's more like your subconscious mind throwing a temper tantrum cus it didnt get something it thinks it wants. Your subc. mind is where all your feelings and emotions are compared to the logic rationality of your conscious mind and the two can fight each other.
So what would be honest? First you have to understand yourself and why you reacted as you did. There is always a reason, a fear, a disappointment, an unreal expectation that has nothing to do with the other person because these are generated in your own mind. Perhaps your subconscious mind thought there was something more to things he did or said including becoming sexual than there really was.
In my daughters case, there was a lack of any real meaningful deep thorough conversations. I dont know how many times in chats I asked her some basics that any partners in a relationship should know about the other person. And every time I asked, she had no idea. Had not dreamed of asking and was too embarassed or unsure of whether she should ask or not. And that set her up for failure. She did the exact same thing with the next guy she met. I tried to get her to start asking him the questions instead of telling me, I wonder why he is... Don't wonder, don't assume, start communicating dear. Make up with him as friends and if you still decide to part earlier than March, at least you're on talking terms and who knows, he may be a good allie to talk to and get the male perspective when you do find a great guy to date and start having questions with the new guy.
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I can't answer for him other than something in the relationship may not be working for him. His refusal to talk about it is something you have to respect. It does not mean that the problem is you. In fact if the problem was you I believe he would say something.
One of the things about living together is it is like a trial marriage. It just maybe he does not want to be married, so to speak, at this time. One would think that someone 26 years old would be mature enough to know what he wants. Then again there are a lot of immature 26 year olds running around.
If your name is not on the lease then there is no reason for you to hang around until the lease expires. If your name is on the lease, there may be a sublet clause in the lease, which will allow him to bring in a new roommate and allow you to move out now. Talk to your landlord to see if you can sublet to another person for the remainder of the lease.
If all he is looking for is a roommate that person does not have to be you. You do not have to stay and tear yourself up wondering what went wrong or what you may have done. I don't think you did anything wrong and you certainly should not look to be a roommate with benefits for him.
The sooner you move out the better it will be for both of you. My advise is that if all he wants is a roommate that he seek out someone to take your place on the lease and that you find a new apartment or a new roommate to share an apartment with.
Chalk this up to a learning experience. When you next think of moving in with someone get to know him first by dating for a good period of time with extended sleepovers before you sign leases.
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There is nothing wrong with either of you. You've both said what you want, and are now trying to make what you want happen. That might be sad, that you two don't want the same thing, but there is nothing wrong with either of you.
I can't know any more than you can, what changed his mind. There are lots of possible reasons - including lots of reasons that might have nothing at all to do with you.
But if he doesn't want to talk about it - you need to respect that.
You had a sexual relationship with him, and a roommate relationship with him. He decided that he didn't want the sexual relationship any more. If you don't want the roommate relationship either, than you are absolutely right to move out.
This is a break up, and part of breaking up with someone is not knowing. You don't get to know the details of his every thought, or decision, and he doesn't get to know yours, and the truth is there is probably nothing that either of you can say to make the other person feel better. Respecting that is the tough part.
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