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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

advice

My friend has 4 kids and is separated from her hubby because he cheated. She is now dating a married man she met through an online dating site. This man lives with his wife and kids. As far as I’m aware, his wife has no knowledge of his relationship with my friend. To top it off, my friend knows firsthand the pain, hurt and trauma inflicted on her and her 4 kids when her hubby cheated. I don’t see how she can turn around and do this to someone else! When she talks about how “sweet” and “wonderful” this new married man is, I literally feel sick. I don’t know what to say/do! I’ve been avoiding her phone calls and texts but I can’t continue this forever. Please, if anyone has some advice I’d really appreciate it. Thanks!
P.S. I’m a 37 y/o female. My friend turns 39 in December.

You didn't spell it out clearly if 'SHE' knows he is a married man. All I can tell is that you somehow know he is married. If she doesn't know, then it would be a good thing to tell her. I met my husband through a dating site. But before I met him, I met 3 different guys who all ended up being married. One told me at the end of our first meetup. The others I found out by not taking no for an answer about visiting at his home. One for example used the excuse that he was renovating and the place was a mess. To which I replied that I was good at following instructions and not afraid to use tools and had helped a previous boyfriend with a renovation he did to one room of his house. The next day, he had turned off his profile, having spooked because he realized he couldn't pretend well.
If your friend knows and it is bothering you, just remember, you can't be her conscience. Unless she asks you, without any prompting from you what she should do, you can not give her any advice. Any unsolicited advice is not welcome advice. I know how hard it is because I have adult children and when I want to share something that could be done better, I ask if i could share my opinion on it and almost always they say no, so I have to bite my tongue.
Now what you could do is say something like, "I have been avoiding talking to you because I needed time to think of what to do regarding you as my friend." This will kind of explain why you haven't responded to her calls. Then next, you can tell her how you feel. This is something you can do as you are owning your own feelings, not trying to correct her and its a standard psychology move. So what you could say is, "I want to still be your friend but I need to let you know that what you are doing, the cheating with a married man after the husband cheated on you, it goes against the morals I hold so it disturbs me greatly when you talk to me about the new guy you're seeing. I know it's not my place to tell you what to do or not do unless you ask for advice. So the only thing I can ask is that you do not bring him up in conversation, nor any mention of cheating in general, whether your husbands or yours. If you find you can't keep from talking of these things in my presence, then I will choose to not spend time with you until things change."
This is the best way, not burning bridges and tossing out the friendship.
If by chance she does ask if you have questions or what your thoughts are on it, then you can say something. She may just be choosing actions without giving any real thought to what she is doing. You could ask if she began to do this as a way to retaliate at her husband whether he knows or not. Or ask if she is totally done with her husband and doesn't even wish to try marriage counseling. A counselor will get at the underlying issues of what caused the hubby to stray in the first place. Then if what he wants out of a wife has changed greatly since they married, there is no reason to stay together and perhaps divorce is best. Children actually do well with divorce. I know that from my own family as well as other people. One man my husband and I know has a ten y.o. girl who is begging him to get a divorce from Mom because neither of them are happy. Kids don't like the fighting or the silent treatment in parents and would rather see them happily remarried to other partners, as long as they can still see both parents, one not as much as the other if its the one they visit. I mention this because it is important for you to know in case you get an opportunity to talk. People can change and simply become so different from each other down the road that they really do need to find a new partner. That is okay. What is not okay is looking for a new husband by checking out married men. You and I know that, and I'll bet she does. I am thinking this is a tit for tat situation possibly with her thinking, he got to have some fun outside the marriage, I didn't get that so I am going to get my turn now. And that is in a way revenge but it is also competition or jealousy. She may be one who feels that everyone should get to experience the same stuff or everything should always be even and if this is how she thinks, then I'll bet she's done it in other areas, such as gift giving, either people gifts from her have to be the same general price or the same size like a bike vs diamond earrings, the bike being bigger so the earrings need something bigger to go along with or the earring cost more than the bike so something else needs to go with the bike gift. This is all distorted thinking. We all do this at times in our lives but some people do this on a daily basis and its the only way they think, reason and come to conclusions. If she does ask you for opinions, it might be good if she doesn't want to reconcile or even try with her husband in counseling, that she at least go see a counselor for herself. Let the counselor get through to her.

And if you have permission to speak, I would personally ask, "If he hadn't cheated, how do you feel about the husband? Have you fallen out of love with him? Because if you have, that is a good reason to get a divorce and once single, start looking for a single man, divorced man who is a better fit for the person you are today. If you were in love but are so hurt that you can't feel love for him now, then you might want to go as a couple for counseling to see if the marriage can be saved. Counseling doesn't automatically fix a marriage but brings out the true issues so you can then make a better choice without feeling guilt. I had a similar experience myself with a husband who was verbally abusive. He didn't do it to the kids, it was only a mental illness thing directed at adult women. However staying with him til the kids were grown was a great disservice to my children. I see the effects it has on them to see their Dad treat me like that. One has decided to not marry, only date men that she is stronger willed than so she can be in control. Another is confused and on her third husband and he's the worst human being I have personally come across, a candidate for prison someday. The youngest married a man who has twisted ways of reasoning and thinking due to how he grew up, a bad childhood, parents who mentally tortured him so he is difficult to deal with and that was her choice for a husband, thinking that behavior of his is normal because her Dad was similar. If she admits not loving him, there is no reason to string out a long separation, just tell her about the impact to the kids. All kids will cry and beg parents not to divorce. My girls did that but a year later after a divorce, they saw me again and marveled at how great, happy and healthier I looked and were glad I had made that decision. They know my second husband and he is family to them, not a step Dad as they were grown already but they approve. Even when I was dating, the guy before I met my husband, It was the boyfriends birthday and the oldest gave him a bday card with the words inside:YOu are so nice and I find I can respect you. I just wish that I had had someone like you for a Dad growing up.
That hit me hard, that I had certainly done them a disservice by not divorcing sooner and giving them a chance to have a step dad through my remarrying who was better than their father. While the friends husbands may be a good man otherwise and good father example, it still boils down to what the kids witness of they parents relationship. This truly is going to be what they base their own relationships upon, not assuming it can be any better in real life.

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Should I take a refresher course if I'm not 100% confident with the skills I learned in phlebotomy?

I'm in phlebotomy right now and we've done a lot of things that havr went by really fast. I would hate to get a job and my supervisor or a doctor think I'm dumb becaise I forgot to do something. My instructor isn't getting to me well. I can draw blood, but we also had to do gram smears once and other labs. I dont know how to explain it, but we barely get time to do certain things because the instructor is always late for class, late coming back from lunch, and dismisses class early because she's tired or doesnt want to drive in the rain or some other excuse. We just did things one time and moved onto something else. I can draw blood, I do study, but I feel like I need to practice mpre labs, so I can get better. Class is over next week and then we're doing externship and I'm not confident

I would say the teacher was the problem. Cutting class time due to her schedule of longer lunches, late for class and dismissing early means she could not let you practice. Being shown once is just that, being shown how. But it seems the practice tine was missing. talk to other students and see if any others feel the same way as I feel this teacher should be reported to the principal of the school. One person complaining will easily be overlooked but a handful, and it will be looked into and the teacher talked to and watched more closely but her superiors. The reason why this should happen is in case she is the only teacher doing that and she would be teaching the refresher course. If it is an entirely new teacher but they are also lax and do the same thing, you can't keep taking the same classes five times just to get the practice and confidence you should be able to get in one class. People also have different learning styles so some learn from seeing it done. I learn by once seeing it done, then doing it myself with the teacher watching me. If I don't do it myself, I will forget. There's nothing wrong with having a different learning style that requires some in class practice that is being denied you. Perhaps the superiors themselves are too lax and don't care what their teachers do. All you can do is say something and if it happens again with the same person or another, you can file another complaint and at that point I would take it to the school board that they fall under for whatever district their school is in.
But I agree you should take it again. Now I know why there are some bad blood drawers out there. I have had plenty who keep stabbing here and there and not able to hit a vein and thinking I am difficult, bringing in a new person to try who gets it right the first time. Apparently, the training on such stuff can be sketchy and some get out there and are not confident and piss off the patient. But I still say this should be reported even if you take a refresher.

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Hi as a going away present a woman gave me a
bottle of rum along with a card with a demented
looking sheep on the cover. We used to be friendly in the beginning but that fizzled out to the point where i'd say we were no longer friends.
My question is was the card meant to be an insult?
Many thanks

If you are so worried about it being an insult that the possibility even occurred to you in the first place, then I can safely say that your self confidence and self esteem could use some work. Maybe you have some, but not enough to where things like this create thoughts in your mind that are negative about you not positive or no meaning at all. I would say she simply was trying to find a card to go along with the gift. If it wasn't a bottle of rum for a gift, I'll bet the card would have been different.
Now here's another way to look at it. Do you really think that foremost in the mind of the creator of that card design was that it would make a perfect insult to the receiver? Just picturing someone actually creating a card for that purpose makes me laugh as it is so silly. Just because she was no longer a friend does not mean she was instantly an enemy. There are friends and enemies but there are a whole lot of people who fall in between those two descriptions, people you don't know who also don't know you or people who have changes enough so they have nothing much in common to remain friends. You and I don't know each other. So I am of course not a friend of yours. Does that make me your enemy? Of course not! The world isn't as black and white as you seem to think. There are many grey areas or those areas in between. She wouldn't have got you a gift if she hated you. If no hate, then this was simply a thoughtful gift and a card meant to be funny, a sheep looking like it just drank a whole bottle of rum. Forget about worrying about insults, work on your self confidence and enjoy your bottle of rum.

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Hello,

Ex boyfriend told me that he always think about me. What does that mean? When we were together he used to say he miss me but now as we’ve broken up, he says, I’ll always think of you. I know, think of you isn’t same as miss you but still. We’re still in touch and still message each other also see each other twice a week. He’s 23, I’m 20. Thanks guys!

Do you have close girlfriends who no longer live near you, maybe away at college? It's much the same as far as how you have memories of them. You see or hear something that reminds you of them, good happy funny memories that make you smile. If he considers you a good friend, then saying he'll always think of you is much the same. If you want to know why he felt he had to tell you this, then that is something you'll have to ask him.

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I have been playing hockey since 1st grade. Now I’m a freshman in high school. I want to to play school hockey this year, because I love to play hockey but I don’t know if I can. Even though I’ve been playing for a while, I’m not nearly as good as most kids in my grade. And all of the kids in my grade that would be in my hockey team are mean, popular kids. I’m on varsity soccer, and want to play baseball this spring so I have enough requirements, i just don’t know if I should play hockey or not.

Is it a requirement to take a winter sport, because if not, you have a choice to not do any sport and wait til basketball in spring. I can picture myself in your situation with the mean popular kids, i was not that at all in HS. So if it were me, I tried to avoid all possible situations that could turn ugly and make me regret joining. Its easier for me to leave than getting 5 or 6 mean nasty people kicked off the team.

I looked on line to get an idea of what winter sports are offered generally in High schools. It seems to depend on the school. Some didn't have hockey or any ice, snow or cold weather related sports, just winter session basketball and such.

Since Hockey is done on skates, if doing ice skating and learning all the moves that competitors need to know is a possibility. There is no team involved, just individuals doing their own thing unless at some future point you get a partner to do couple ice skating stuff with. Other than that, I saw a couple HS's offer Skiing, snow boarding and cross country skiing. Most likely those schools are in an area that gets lots of snow. This is all I can think of to tell you. For something not related to snow and ice, a team sport with having to get an object in the goal, there is soccer. I played that coed as a young adult and then a womens team for a while, before I had kids. You don't have to be brutal and agressive as hockey players, just very talents with your feet and good at running and dodging.

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I went to a dermatologist and the she gave me a cream to be put on my back. I forgot to ask her this question.
After applying the cream on my back, how long do I need to wait until I put on my shirt?

Call the office and ask that question to who ever answers. If the doctor can't come to the phone, the other person could always go ask them and call you back with an answer. How long does it take for cream to be absorbed elsewhere on your body, like sun tan lotion, hand lotion, etc. It's not very long. I know that while I can feel some residue or the skin feels different, than it's fully absorbs in a couple of minutes or less. The concerns would be putting on a shirt too soon, which absorbs the cream so your back doesn't benefit from the treatment, or any staining to your clothing. Other than that, I can't think of any issues.

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I had my first unprotected sex on 15th of this month. It was unplanned. And i took an emergency contraceptive after 30 hours of unprotected sex. Usually my menstrual cycle is about 32-35 days long. Today when i woke up i was having cramps like i have during my periods. And i also had dark brown colored bleeding. I have an app to track my periods. And acc to that app i was ovulating when i had unprotected sex. I am scared that i might be pregnant and the bleeding that im experiencing could be implantation bleeding. I had my last period on 4th of this month. So its quite unusual for me to have another period in the same month. Can anyone help me. Cause im freaking out

First, it takes several days for the sperm to reach your wall of the womb. What looks like a short distance to you is like a zillion miles to travel for that wee little sperm so small you can't see it unless you have a microscope. So if you took the plan B in 30 hours, you are likely not pregnant. However, the emergency contraceptive is like a way stronger dose of the pill all at once so it can play havoc with your normal cycle. I am a female and I know whenever there was brown colored bleeding, it meant that a period is supposed to start but is being delays by something. And the cause to delays in physical or mental stress so worrying, being sick, recovering from being sick, some contraceptives including plan B and even being around other women alot and your body changing it's timing to coincide with that of the other womens periods, are all reason for the brown fluid to show first in a delay. The last one is true, I've read of it and experienced it myself when the small office of 4 other women and myself eventually began to have periods at the same time each month. If you've already had a period and this is a second one in the same month, againe i have to say that the emergency contraceptive is probably at fault You might want to call your doctor and let them know when you took Plan B or if you can tell them exactly the brand name so they know what ingrediants you got, tell everything you told us here and let them know you had a period before the sex, took the pill and now have brownish bleeding. Then ask if that is normal and if you should come in for an exam. You will have peace of mind if you go in and get a check up. A pee test can show if you're pregnant and if the cycle doesn't return to normal, it could be a different period related issue that happened to coincide at the same time. And an exam would be a good way for the Doctor to start looking for any period disorder that may be present. These are uncommon and as far as I've read don't create a brownish liquid instead of a real red flow. So you don't have to freak out but you might want to get on a trust worthy type of contraceptive so I still vote for seeing your doctor.

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My boyfriend has no money and neither does his family and we can’t do anything. We can’t even go out for breakfast or go on a date because they do not have any money. I seriously don’t know who to talk to or what to do i just want a normal relationship where i can go to get breakfast.

the cost of living is rising way faster than wages are so you aren't the only ones who have no extra money. Most people struggle to pay all their monthly obligations and there is no money left for savings or to splurge on something small like lunch out. I know several people working two jobs just to have a place to live and others like myself who have no apt or house to live in. The number of those living out of their vehicles is growing alarmingly. The news doesn't cover it but I have found the numbers of parked vehicles with people sleeping like us are growing way too fast. And these people work and have jobs but can't afford a place to live so their camper, car or van is home. Thats where we are at but I am content with the small things.
The normal relationship of dating and doing things is going to be affected by the countries bad economy. All the reports of upswings and less people unemployed are false because once a person runs out of unemployment, the statistics of those in that situation are no longer counted. Only any new people applying for unemployment and when theirs runs out too, that keeps adding to the numbers no longer on the radar. So while maybe only a few are receiving unemployment checks, the other number that is not considered part of the equation of the amount of unemployed in our country keeps growings. I have found plenty of alarming you tube video's on homeless ness and its not all drug addicts or mental patients not on meds. THe one that really hit hard is about a man who had a medical degree and worked in a hospital and his wife part time only when the kids were in school and they lived in a camper parked along side a 2 or 3 block stretch along one side of a city park. The school bus stopped there to pick up all the kids who were living like this. I have family who live in a basement apartment of Dads home while the married brother and wife live upstairs with the Dad. That is because places to live are getting too expensive. So if you have a place to live, consider yourself lucky dear.

What you need to do is let go of the ideas you have of dating you see on TV or what it was like for your parents. If we had a chance to talk to people who lived through the Great Depression when dating age, I'll bet none of them went out to eat or to a movie or such. Their dating would be going on a walk together, on bike rides together, making a picnic and going somewhere private to have the picnic. If both of you want a little money to go out for dinner and money is that tight, then you both may want to do some little jobs for pay if in school or if working a job, something extra you could do in the evening. Many places are no longer hiring people who want full time positions so if someone comes along who says they want a job for just 2 evenings a week, they are more likely to hire you. You might try that, both of you doing that and you'll see you have enough to go on frugal dates and even save a tiny bit for whatever else in the future. Sorry to sound so depressing but this is what the whole world is like and frankly it is scary because I am older and have seen how quickly everything got expensive. Mom used to send me to the store to buy bread for school lunches and it was 4 loaves for one dollar. Today, you can't even buy one loaf for a dollar. But until the latest minimum wage raise in our city, I was earning the same pay as I was ten or 15 years ago. It's ridiculous but it's the way life is now. So sorry hon.

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To whomever can give some advice,

I am the maid of honour in a wedding and am trying to plan the bachelorette. I am currently on maternity leave (but was smart with saving before going off), and the other two bridesmaids do not have a ton of money and are currently saving for houses.

We know our bride would like an extravagant trip. One reason being that our husbands are the "go big or go home" type and have had their last two bachelor "parties" down south because it cost less than when they did a weekend bachelor on the town. Our bride is a BIG fan of down south. She has also let the word "trip" slip in conversation about her bachelorette. Furthermore she has said she may want to know what we are planning, and has also offered to give me money secretly to use towards her bachelorette because she knows the other two bridesmaids don't have a lot of money. Her husband to be has also said to me "The further away the better".

We would love to be able to do this for her, however the other two bridesmaids still can't believe that a bachelorette has come to this, and are not quite comfortable spending this kind of money, and they would have a hard time finding a baby sitter for their kids.

I have been searching for other bachelorette ideas and have a lovely little weekend planned out, but we are all afraid to disappoint the bride because it won't be a big extravagant trip. However, some of these weekends away cost almost as much.

I should also note that she has 7 other people on her list to invite.

Is it wrong of us to assume she will be disappointed and let down if her bachelorette is anything but a big trip? She is not a snob, but does have high taste.

Are only the bridesmaids and I supposed to pay for the bride, or is it okay to ask others invited to pitch in? Maybe not for a big trip like this? and maybe yes it's ok if it were a smaller bachelorette?

I had never heard of bachelorette parties being about travel other than the in city travel to the hostess's home. Most of what I found on the internet has to do with themes for a party at someones home or held in a banquet room.
Do you know what she is planning for a honey moon because if she likes the South so much, she and hubby to be, should be booking several stays through the south at bed and breakfasts and enjoy the trip, just the two of them paying for it.

Inviting people to your party but expecting 3 of you to send her on a trip and pay the way for 11 people, is absolutely one of the craziest things I've ever heard of in my life. But I did find one site that does mention trips for such parties and will give the link to show you. However I don't think you should worry about it or do it.

https://www.thisisinsider.com/bachelorette-party-destinations-more-to-do-than-drink-2018-8

I did get an idea from the first one, the spa weekend, but it need not be a full weekend. There are more and more local spas being set up. My daughter gave me an note last Christmas saying my gift was a day at the Spa and she would pay my way. I will tell you about it as I think it would be a wonderful way to bond as females and enjoy being pampered. The spa we went to has several pools, a hot tub, a medium temp warm water and a cold one to cool off in, everyone gets their own locker for the stay. There are several rooms for relaxing and meditating in called earth rooms, and steam room, sauna and a tea room with meals where you can order something to eat. This is all the basics covered by the entrance pass for all day which is $43. It is in the suburb of a major large city so I can't say it will be more or less in your area. They do have various scrubs and massages but those all start at the one I'm talking about from $200 to almost $300 in cost. That might be too expensive for each people to be able to afford. So check what is covered by a day pass and everyone buys their own meal if there is such a place on site. This spa is women only so no one wears clothes. So it would n't be as special if it was a spa for men and women. Look for a womens only spa in your area or a couple hours drive away but I would look further as you'd want the majority of the day to hang out. Then those who want to pay extra for a body scrub can schedule it and pay separately. But the bride could have one of her own choice maybe pre-chosen so the rest of you all pitch in for her special scrub/massage while the rest of you hang out in one of the therapy pools.

If you all would rather make it a party around town in a place big enough to hold all of you, then you will have to let her know that none of you are rich enough to come up with the money for a trip to stay somewhere in the south so you all can have fun being tourists. She needs to know this. If she is truly a friend, then she will be thinking about you all not just what she wants. If she is not a snob as you state, only high taste, then she can fund all her high taste herself. It is extremely in poor taste and terrible manners to expect everyone who is invited to pay her way for a mini vacation, she can have that for her honeymoon. What ever happened to throwing a party and everyone bringing sexy lingerie for the bride as gifts? So never assume anything. All three of you should talk to her at once, not just you so she doesn't assume its just you complaining. I think that travel bureaus for cities got the idea for advertising to come up with as many reasons as they could as to why someone would come to visit their city and took something like baby showers, wedding showers, birthdays or bachelorettes and advertised it as a great option for having those celebrations and its all so they can make money, not because it really is something better than an old fashioned bachelorette. If she feels let down, good. It will show you all that she cares more about herself, is selfish and doesn't care if it's a hardship on you. If she is so sure that her hinting and expecting to go south will cause you to plan a trip to the south, then she will be disappointed. What kid who begged and begged for a certain toy for Christmas that the parents never got because it was too expensive for them, was dissapointed on Christmas to find they didn't get what they wanted. Just because a person wants something doesn't mean the other person or people are obligated to get it. If she is so shallow that she wouldn't want to be your friends if you can't do this for her or begs you, then if it were me, I would drop her as a friend, probably pull out of the wedding totally. A love of money can go extreme and cause the money hungry person with high taste to lose all their friends. I've seen it before. So if the others are gone for just a day and its on a Saturday so the grandmas can have the kids for just the day, then a local spa should work and you can still come home to have cake and opening of gifts. So as far as I could read, the wedding party are not obligated to pay for a weekend trip and call it a bachelorette. Really, shoot for the spa thing with a cake and gift opening at the end, or just one or the other. But let the other guests know what you are planning because they may not be able to go if it was an all day thing, or afford to pay for a spa which could cost more than the one in my area. Good luck.

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This past summer I went on a church mission trip to Puerto Rico for a week. I had a lot of fun but...on the last night we did this thing where we got in a circle and “got things off our chest”.I automatically started thinking about one of my greatest secrets: My depression. I thought it would be healthy to get it off my mind so after a few choking sobs and reassurance from my group leader, i said it. And well I almost automatically regretted it. Not only was I unable to stop crying but no one else had anything to say so the focus was entirely on me. Fast forward a few months later, school has started and i’ve almost forgotten about my embarrassing moment. Then I recieve news that my Mission Trip group is starting to have meetings every sunday to discuss upcoming youth church events. So now I have to see these people every sunday. The people who witnessed one of my most vulnerable moments. To be quite blunt, my weekends are ruined. I absolutely hate going. Everytime we start driving to the the church I break down and start crying. I just don’t know what to do.

I understand how it can feel to worry about the bad impression made on other people. First, a youth group outing is not the place to get help. If you haven't even told your parents, and like my oldest daughter, never told them, then I would first like to say something as a mom. I was very involved and available in each childs life and had chats with them alone, you know, quality time where I shared things and asked if everything was okay with them. Never did she say. I do know that some times, depression will lead to suicide. Luckily my daughter didn't do that but neither did she get help. So if your secret includes the parents, try to think how they would feel to find out decades from now that you've suffered all that time. Thats about my story. I still feel terrible, having the chance to help my daughter, taken away from me. There is help dear. Lots of people have depression these days and many are good at hiding it from others. I will share also that my daughter progressed as an adult from depression to mental illness. That may not happen to you but you never know, depression might just be the first so its important to get treatment. Don't your parents wonder why you hate going to church now and why you start crying on the way there? If they are accepting an answer of 'I just don't like going." then you have to tell them more. To tell you truthfully, your group leader would be an adult if not a youth pastor. I used to attend youth group once upon a time. It should have been their responsibility to bring up what you shared to your parents as depression is nothing to mess around with or ignore. Let me tell you again more about my daughter, She is in such bad shape, that CPS took her first child away from her to send to the childs actual birth Dad for safety to be raised. She remarried and the new husband has mental health issues worse than her and convinced her to cut herself off from her entire side of the family and he did the same with his. They have a pre school child that CPS can't know for sure is okay but they now go to church and the pastor says they seem to be fine but he only sees the mask of normal they put on at sunday service and isn't with them 24/7. It will likely take having a teacher spot bruises on that little girl when she finally starts school in 2 more years, the same way it was caught with the first who is much older and able to confirm that both mom and step dad were beating her with objects. Because of the fact that she is now an adult and not a minor whom I could get mental health appointments for, there is nothing I can do and that hurts me to see my daughters life go down the drain like that. Don't wait until you are an adult when you may not have the insurance or resources or may be even worse off and very resistant to help like my daughter. You are in no shape to be part of missions work and reaching out to help others. Let me share a verse God shared with me.
Mark 12:30-31 New International Version (NIV)

30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’[a] 31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b] There is no commandment greater than these.”

I am sure you are familiar with that. What God pointed out to me is that the word neighbor comes before the word 'yourself' and that many people stop at the word neighbor and forget that the verse also pertains to themselves. He said love your neighbor in churches is also part of any outreach, missions, helping a elderly neighbor, volunteering at a local charity, etc... anything that you would do because you want to make a difference in the lives of others, whether sharing the gospel or in filling someones needs as Jesus did when feeding or healing people.
Now here's the lesson God taught me: You can not fully love your neighbor until you love yourself first and that means taking care of yourself, making sure you are in top mental, physical and emotional health. The reason why is that God uses us as the means to get that love to others, so essentially we are like Garden hoses that living water pours out through, but it can't if the hose has a blockage or several leaks so barely any water comes out the end of the hose. I hope you see what God was telling me. I was allowing myself to be in a situation for years that was majorly stressing me out and affecting my physical health. Stress has to go somewhere and will attack either your physical health or mental health. The world today is so much more stressful than when I was a teen that it isn't uncommon to find many teens with depression with is an attack of stress unless it is clinical depression because your body is unable to create its own feel good hormones. The greater portion of people on meds for depression don't need to be. I'll explain. For a few decades now, psychologists are learning a none medical way to deal with depression, and try that first. If it does not work, then as a last choice, they issue medicine. I know someone personally who used this method to recover. It is called CBT, cognitive behavorial therapy. So your parents need to find a Dr who deals in this. They will likely need to get a referrel from your family Dr. first but can insist they want only one trained in CBT. So it may be a good idea to simply show them my response to you. As long as you are still depressed, you will go on through life, always feeling bad about others who know your condition or witnessed your breakdown. I think the reason you actually thought it would be a good idea for that split second is because God wanted you to let it out, let it be known so you can get help and one of your Angels whispered it in your ear. It's no accident when I automatically start thinking about something that I wasn't before, and an example would be, "Gee, I need to call my sister, I haven't talked to her in a while.' and that thought won't let me do anything cus its foremost in my mind so I call and then find out she has an immediate bad situation that needs prayer. So hon, there is always a reason for this happening. Yes you feel badly and can't handle the pressure and God knows that too but He can't help you unless you ask for help. And if you don't, your life will not immprove but get worse and worse and I know that alone is even more depressing to think about. So if you can't say anything to your parents, at least show them what you told me and my response. I will be praying for you to have courage to do so.

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I know my friends care about me but they don’t show it. They leave me out a lot and kinda talk to me like shit. What do i do?

I know my friends (should be changing to people I know and hang out with) care about me ( the definition of care about is unclear in my web search but I used to be a care giver for people in need like disabled and elderly, etc. I was taught that to care for someone properly that I had to see them as an equal, be kind to them and give them respect. This the closest I can describe caring that is not like love in a couples relationship)but they don't show it. (the reason they don't show it is because if they were jars they would not contain any caring. They lack ability to know how by choices of theirs or a crappy upbringing and family. If instead of a cookie jar with the words cookie jar on it, it was filled with dog shit from all the neighbors lawns instead of cookies, would you still call the dog shit a cookie? Just because you call them a friend, does not mean they will treat you like a friend should. People don't change their bad behavior to fit a title you give them. The crap continues.) They leave me out a lot (This is a good thing hon. This means they don't see you as being like them and that goes to deeper levels like ones conduct, morals, how they treat others, etc. and of course they won't want you around because you are a constant reminder to them of how they should be or closer to what they should be like. You are a nice person, they are not. This would be like a cop hanging out with a group of friends who thieves and robbers but somehow the cop hasn't realized that his/her friends are bad guys yet. The bad guys only pretend to be his/her friend but want as little to do with the cop friend as possible because they feel guilty and feel its too dangerous, they might get caught. Not saying your friends are candidates for jail, thats just an analogy to explain how like minded persons enjoy other like minded people. Obviously you are found to not be like them.)
And kinda talk to me like shit.(who knows what starts any one person to start talking crappy to or about someone. When young, teens will do it because they want to be liked and think if they do it, they will appear cool. It is not cool to talk trash to or about anyone. Some do it because they grew up in a dysfunctional home where parents and children all addressed each other by verbal insults rather than their names or use of endearments like sweetie, honey, dear. So if a kid has a Dad who looks at them as he comes home from work and says "How did my pile of shit brat do in school today? Such a kid will think it is normal. Sometimes, well often on sitcom families they are tossing verbal insults at each other with the recorded laughter played after each insult to teach viewers that this is supposed to be funny. It's not. There are probably a few other reasons, but trust me, it is not normal. What do I do? ( based on the fact they already don't see you as a rotten even person to hang out with them and when you do, they treat you like anything but a friend, I would have to say these people are not friends, just people you are in acquaintance with because they treat you more like an outsider or an enemy. You are with the wrong group of people. Now I know it is hard to start up finding new friends if lots of well established groups or cliques exist that frown on excepting anyone in. But in can be done. If this is friends at school or at work, then you may need to think of the larger picture, as to where else you can meet new friends. Try meeting new friends at the park, in your neighborhood, or join a club of an interest you have and met people who already have something in common with you. Staying with them because you currently have no other friends, is not going to make you feel any better when faced with being alone for a while and being alone for this transition time till you find new friends, but being alone is going to feel much less stressful and relaxing than staying. So leave them all. If they ask why, don't point out all their bad qualities or things they did as the reason, that will only gain you retaliation behavior. Just tell them that you have changed a lot recently and don't feel like you fit in there anymore. NO matter what they say, don't go back, just smile and wave good bye.

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CW: rape
Two weeks ago now, I engaged in sexual interactions with my boyfriend. I told him that I didn’t want anything to happen to me down there, because at the time I was uncomfortable with it, and also I had just had a UTI and I really didn’t want to inflame it, but that I would go down on him. He was angry that I wouldn’t let him, and even though I persisted he was still sexual, and made advances… I escaped to the bathroom and showered so I would be able to get away. When I got back, he was still really sexual and took the towel away.
I felt wrong about it, but I knew from experience that if I said no, he’d get angry and I’d end up paying for it. I’m a victim of rape myself, and sometimes I can’t have sex or do sexual things, but he told me I need to at least try to feel the mood, instead of just giving up before, which is completely fair. I tend to decide early on that I’m not okay instead of trying it first. So I tried and while it was uncomfortable, I knew that I could. I engaged in oral sex with him and he put his legs up, which is usually his cue that he wants anal play. I asked him if I could, and he said yes. I performed anal cunnilingus, and he came really quickly, and mentioned it and said it was great. Afterwards he had a counseling session to go to almost immediately after, so I stayed in my room while he left. I felt really good that I had made him get there so quickly (usually it takes twenty minutes, this time was more like 8 which is rare). I masturbated because I was proud of myself, and then met up with him after his session. He asked how my time since he last saw me had been, and I told him that I had orgasmed thinking about it…he blew up and was really angry. He felt used, like I had just used his body for my own pleasure, and said that he had thought that he would get to go down on me and he regretted it now because he didn’t. I felt really horrible. He had to go to class after that, and even though I know it’s wrong to do, I thought to myself that no, I get to have the right to my orgasms, and it’s okay for me to say no especially if it’s because of pain. When I told him that, he told me that I had sexually assaulted him because he wasn’t getting what he thought he signed up for, getting to go down on me, and I apologized over and over again. I must not have been clear enough. I wish I could be better, but this week is the anniversary of one of my rapes, and I just can’t be sexual. I know I should just try, but I can’t.
Things… haven’t been going well. I opened up to a friend about some things, and they said a lot of the relationship was controlling and bad for me, so I started bringing up conversations about breaking up, with that event as part of it. But today, he told me that I raped him. He told me that he didn’t want any of it, that he felt pressured to say yes to it and like he couldn’t say no. I didn’t know at the time. I didn’t know, I swear I didn’t. He revealed to me today that he had shook his head no at one point. I didn’t see it, but that doesn’t excuse it. I feel so horrible, and I apologized so much even though apologizing doesn’t cover it. I never thought I would be a rapist, I never thought I could become one of the monsters who have affected my life so much over the years. I have nightmares every night, I have PTSD and major depression and anxiety from it, and I can’t believe I could have done this to someone else.
How do I turn myself in? I never pressed charges against any of my rapists, but now I regret that. I know I’m a monster and that I need to be held accountable. Is it possible for me to file a report on myself? Accidental rape isn’t a thing, you can’t accidentally rape someone. Maybe the worst part is that even though I know what it’s like to be a survivor, I have wonders about whether he’s lying and manipulating me so I don’t leave him, which is horrible of me and I know it. I’m coming to this forum because I don’t have anyone else to talk to, I wasn’t allowed to talk to my friends and now they’ve drifted apart. How do I fix this? I’m desperately in need of advice, I can’t believe I did this, but I need help from someone, even if it’s a stranger. Please, help me. How do I make things right?

I used to be married to a verbally abusive man and a friend of his, over alot was a controller. YOu've heard that one before. They slowly whittle down your sense of what is normal and good so they can do whatever they want and you will even take the blame they dump on you. I am familiar with that. Experienced it myself. I am divorced from that man after giving him 30 years to change his life around. He only went to a counselor in the end still not believng there was anything wrong with him but overheard him telling someone he was going through the motions of seeing a counselor in hopes I'd stay with him, thinking that now he'd get better. But when he said it was a ruse and that he didn't need to get better, the Dr. was wrong, I continued with my plans and left him. It took him two years to calm down and agree on a divorce. I didn't have money to pay for one myself so that's why it took time.
Your question "How do I make things right" I assume based on your mental condition by living with an abuser, you meant how to make things right with him, am I correct? Well, you can't. People with his condition of controlling and abusing rarely get professional help or even want it. I can tell you that maybe even a professional is unable to help him so where would that leave you the victim? All I can recommend immediately is that you go in for counseling. If you can't afford counseling or its not covered by your insurance, start calling churches to ask if they have a counseling ministry. Some of the larger ones do, like one I used to attend. The counselors may be pastors or deacons trained as counselors and getting paid by the church but mention you can't pay if thats the case. What you need is to get your head straight first because right now, your mind is so abused, it won't be able to see this situation like an outsider like me or the other who wrote can see it. Once you are back to your happy healthy mental self, you will see this situation clearly and realize that this guy is nothing but evil and you must cut him out of your life. If you are living together with him, I don't care if your name is on the lease, change your cell number and walk away from him to go stay with the parents or other relatives nearby. They will find a way to take you in if you tell them whats going on. He will try to talk you out of going to counseling because he knows once you are thinking for yourself again and no longer under his control, he would have to work harder to get you back to feeling helpless and the victim.
Also, the reason he said he was assaulted by you was to scare you into not going for help, it is another control tactic dear. I am familiar with them having been through it myself.
In the beginning, I stood up to my husband, telling him no about something, not even sex, trying to use logic to explain something. I'll give an example: He was berating me about where I put food items and dishes in our kitchen cupboards. I had logically placed all cups and mugs on the lowest shelf nearest the water tap as that made sense. I pointed that out and asked if he was upset about that. He would not answer but continued to shout how I was an adult and not stupid and this was my job, keeping up the house and he expected it to be perfect when he got home from work the next day. I had to work too and had little kids, but somehow I managed to change everything around. When he got home, all he did was verbally cut me down about making even a bigger mess of it. So I said I wanted to make him happy and would follow his plan if he would right down instructions for me to follow and I pretended he had me cowed so I lost self respect, so I even said, I guess I am too stupid to figure it out on my own. He went for that and wrote out instructions. His ideas were worse than where everything was before this started. When he came home and looked at the cupboards, I was sure I would hear this was good. Instead he shocked me by attacking me again. Apparently he wasn't responsible for any mistakes and never did anything wrong, it was always someone else fault in his mind so He yelled about how I messed this up all over again. So I got out the paper with his instructions on my drawings of each cupboard as to what he wanted where. I told him, You told me to put all this stuff as you see it now. You only can blame yourself. I don't like as it is dysfunctional. If you had been happy and not complained, I would have gone along with it. But since you are just looking for excuses to attack me, then I am going to do it my way and too bad ford you. I changed them back. He didn't hit me but he was into shoving me hard when unhappy with me but it didn't happen often, Mostly verbal abuse and threats he never followed through on. From that point on, I realised he has issues, and already knew he wouldn't go for counseling at church or elsewhere. But I decided to no longer let him push me around verbally, I would ignore him or leave. One day my kids were off at friends houses for dinner and he picked a fight with me. It angered him that he couldn't get me to start yelling too or crying. It was time to make us a dinner but I'd had enough so I told him if he didn't shut up right now and stop verbally attacking me, that I was going to leave. He was quiet only a few seconds before he began to yell again so I grabbed my purse and coat and headed for the front door. I think, he didn't believe I was strong enough to do this. As I yanked the door open, he had the gall to ask, "What about my dinner?" "Make it yourself" I said and slammed the door behind me as I left and went to a friends where I finally made plans to leave him for good.

When I went home later, he was quiet and said nothing. The thing a verbal bully and controller do not like is a strong woman with self confidence because they know it is too much work to wear them down to be in their control or more aptly described, they would find it a futile effort. If simpply dating, the woman would leave. But I was married and had kids. The 2nd about to move out and one had a year left in HS.
He chose me to want to marry because he thought I was something other than I look to people. I have long known that my appearance makes people think I am something other than I am. So when he found out I was hard to control, at first he rose to the challenge, then later he just called me all sorts of foul things in public, in front of family who he chewed up if they spoke up for me. He had no respect for anyone. And I was too young and believing what I heard at church that God doesn't believe in divorce. trust him to heal your marriage. It took many years of my relationship with God and hearing HIm respond and tell me things that made sense and things finally clicked in my mind and I knew it was okay for me to leave the husband, that I had tried everything I could to make it work but he was the one who was resistant to professional help and he was the problem, so I left him. A controller will make you feel you can't talk to or see friends or family, they cut you off from your support group so he is literally the only person in your life and he is the abuser.
If you don't live with him, don't tell him anything you are planning. Just stop going to see him. Don't open the door to him. Make sure those you live with check first before opening the door and if its Him, not to open it. If he makes any verbals threats, Start recording on a cell...if you can hear it, likely some of it from outside will be heard in a recording if he is mad and yelling. If he isn't saying enough, say things to get him to continue, like it's over, I will not hang out with an abusive man so go away. The plain truth and the fact you are not caving to him this time will help. If you are living with him, surely there are times he is not at home when you are. During one of these times, pack a bag of clothes to go, drive or take a bus to the nearest womans shelter. All cities have safe houses and services for women of domestic violence. Verbal abuse only isn't recognized as domestic abuse in some places so you'd have to say something if bruises are not ever left on you such as he pushes you or yanks on your clothes to stop you. Thats still assault and can be reported to police. But let the womens shelters help you with that. Even if you still believe that you are a horrible person or the one at fault, at least believe me that these are false distorted thoughts in your mind and planted there by the men who abused you so that you would not ever complain about them. So call the Natl. Domestic abuse Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) to get started and they can give you addresses in your area of where you can go for immediate. Get counseling as soon as you can. I needed to do this after I left my ex, even though he hadn't messed up my mind as yours has been. The stress of such a life with a controller has to go somewhere, either physically or mentally it affects your body. I got all the physical stressed related illnesses, like headaches, migraines, all over body rash and stomach ulcers. Your stress hit you mentally. SO no matter how horrible you think you are, just call the number, leave him and get counseling and rebuild your life. I can't encourage you or tell you more until after you've called the hotline, gone to a shelter, started counseling. At that point, if you need someone to talk to about how you go on with your life after abuse, I'd be glad to share my story with you and encourage you.

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What can I do about my brothers health conditions? He is disabled but doesn't have insurance and might go blind + he's sick?

My brother was diagnosed with iritis years ago and he has other help problems affecting his neurological system. No doctor knows what's wrong with him or they don't want to help because he has no insurance. We've been trying to get him medicaid insurance in Texas since he is disabled he qualifies. He's having problems getting it. The doctors say that his eye pressure is too high and he might go blind :(. They aren't doing anything else but giving him eye drops and this problem has been going on for years. The docs said that he has an inflammation in his body. He also vomits, some days he can't see out of both eyes or walk. Pls, how can I get him help before its too late?

Well, short of finding a religious healer in your area that can lay hands on him and make him instantly healthy, or finding one anywhere that you can meet with, I'd say to check with DSHS if you want to leave this totally to Doctors to help him. Unfortunately, Drs can't help, only make educated guesses as to what to medicate him with because I read on line that the cause of iritis is unknown. Just because it's unknown doesn't mean that there isn't a road back to health. Doctors look for signs in blood and urine but are limited in what they check for. Peoples emotions can affect health but the biggest is food--what our actual diet consists of.
If you'd rather wait to how ever much time it takes to get the medicaid thing ironed out, then ask for an appt. with his social worker or if none is assigned, there should be. Make sure you ask for and get one who will be an advocate for you on the inside of the system, knowing some things that can be done or try to get medicaid in place.

If you'd like to do something constructive yourself, then both you and your brother should hit the internet and start researching on possible causes for iritis or more specifically, the symptom of inflammation. Hubby and I recently started the Ketogenic diet, based on protiens fats and veggies only. No carbs or sugar. Since wheat is in practically everything and we eat potatoes and rice which also have carbs, it is a challenge but I can say that from having daily heartburn, after a week on the diet, I already found my heartburn totally gone. I'd never had it in life before. I had been unable to have anything acidic but sugar was also causing heartburn. Now that carbs and sugar are out, this one thing straighten out immediately. So that is one thing I had no idea that doing this diet would help.
The biggest culprit to many illness today are all due to what we eat. If we stop eating the stuff that is making us sick, the body slowly begins to clean itself up and gets healthier. Some damages may not be able to be healed by choice of diet but further degeneration can be prevented. I am no expert or Dr. just sharing what I have learned and been told by Doctors on line. Doctors with practices but who really care about helping people get healthy, not just earning a big bucks paycheck. They do the research on their own time and even follow the same thing they describe to others to try. Hubby and I decided to go on our Ketogenic diet after hearing what a couple of them had to say on line. They are not hawking products, just sharing free information. So you could start with your on line research there. I recommend going to youtube and looking for Dr. Ken Berry or Dr. Annette Bosworth or Dr Boz as she likes to go by (not to be confused with Dr. Oz)
On another subject to check out, the pesticides used on GMO crops go into our food as they eat their way into the crops like corn or wheat. We watched a you tube video that explains that to protect corn, something was introduced into Genetically modified corn that once a bug takes a bite of the vegetable, it makes the bugs stomach explode and of course it dies. It wasn't until we heard this that we finally figured out what had caused My husband to have to go to emergency a year and a half ago. He was critically low on blood, because his stomach had lots of rips and tears just bleeding continuously. Dr. could keep him a few days, give him some blood but had no idea what caused it. For about 6 month of working on a construction team, he decided all he would eat was a can of corn for his lunch every day. We are much bigger than a little bug. But what was made to destroy its stomach, seems to also work on humans, but it takes eating a lot of it over time. Most people don't eat corn every day, but if they did, their stomach would be full of tiny holes, just like the Drs said his stomach looked. I am telling you examples like this because the current food most easily available has been messed with in some way unless it is organic seeds and organic farming which costs more to buy. Doctors have not been taught this, they have not studied how diet affects health other than what they tell diabetics and even there they are wrong. As a caregiver, I had a patient with one of her afflictions being diabeties. She saw her doctor and I had to be along for these appts. So when she asked what is safe to drink and if soda pop was okay, I actually heard the dietician tell her that as long as she drank pop with diet sugar, she would be fine. I was horrified but told my client after we left that diet sugar is only supposed to not put on weight. As far as raising your blood sugar, it will still do that and I begged her not to drink lots of soda, just go for water, tea. In the days I wasn't assigned to her, like the weekend, she drank liter after liter of pop and called me to say she had passed out and found later in checking that her blood sugar was through the roof even though she was taking her meds. I told her to stop drinking them. She learned to trust me and never drank pop again. I hope you see that the medical community are only doing what they have been taught is true. But lots of common sense for treatment of regular sickness has flown out the window in modern times. I watched a documentary on line of how modern medicine has changed in recent years. Going back to the beginning of the 20th century, the medical books back then had advice that Doctors are no longer taught to give out. These are actual texts that Dr.s got their training from and relied on and referred to when someone had symptoms that they looked up in there.

I cannot stress more how important it is for you to do the research on line and come up with possibilities of what might be causing your brothers inflammation and other issues. Drs. don't have the time. You can make the time because it is more important to you. I would strongly suggest that since nothing else is happening currently, you check on diet and make the changes. You might have to go slowly but cutting out some carbs like no break anymore for the first week, then no rice/potato the next and work brother toward the true keto diet. He would have to learn to cook differently if he is doing the cooking or you could help by cooking some of the meals. If he can think instead of a meat and potatos man, to a meat and vegetables man, that's a good start.
On you tube, I recommend listening to both Dr Ken Berry and Dr Boz (Annette Bosworth), as far as the Keto diet. Do whatever other research you can on his conditions, by looking up the symptoms and a list of possible causes for them. Look up each possible cause and the new list of symptoms for each one of those to see if other symptoms of his exist on that list. Once you have it pinned down to a few possibilities, try whatever diet changes recommended to take care of it. Nothing is instant but over time, if there is no improvement, then try out the cure for one of the other culprits. If you think you may have discovered something that might be causing this, and you have his regular MD to talk to on phone or assistant, ask if this is a test, blood or other to check for whatever it is you found, maybe a deficiency, or too much of something. I wish you two well.

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I’m a 35 year old woman... I’m dating a guy that’s 54 we’ve been dating for 8 months... and we’re still not in a relationship, before me he was in a 12 yr relationship... and he tells me he does not wanna rush, but I’m not getting any younger and I want to be in a committed relationship... so my question is do u think 8 months is too long?

From how you wrote, what I seem to get is that you feel a committed relationship means you have a wedding ring on your finger. If that is what you believe, then my idea of committed relationship differs from yours. I believe there are life long committed couples living as husband and wife but do not have a marriage certificate and after many years are consider as common law marriage because they have been together for so many years. I also know of long term, but not life long couples, who in dating, meet someone they really care about, start living together but due to whatever reasons, do not want to marry. They are exclusive with each other, don't cheat, and are not distinguishable as any different than the other two types when you meet them. However, something comes up to break them up. However they were committed to just each other for around 5 years or more.

OKay so he's 54, take off 12 years if he recently got out of the relationship and that puts him at 42 before he got into a long term relationship and I don't know since you didn't say, whether it was one of my versions of relationship or marriage. But if thats the only time he was ever in a committed relationship long term, then what was he doing in his twenties all up until he was entering the forties? That is a red flag until I get some reasonable explanation. A reasonable example of one would be that one parent died or divorced and the one he lived with got critically ill and so when he finished HS he went straight into care giving of the parent and working a job while having someone else look in after the parent. He felt so tied to having to take care of them, there was no time to date, meet and marry a woman or have kids. Not until the ill parent died was he free to live his own life and date.

I can't tell you if 8 months is enough time to know the person well enough to marry them. That can happen in any amount of time. Example: if dating and seeing each other once a week on a date, then over 8 months you've seen him 32 times and someone dating a person seeing them several times a week and hanging out together on weekends, just do not compare. The one with more time together is going to know the person better. Lastly the couple who call each other every day to talk, or the days they see each other, they end up mostly talking rather than going to a movie, on a private picnic or out to a fancy restaurant, have the best chance to really know each other. I did just that with my second husband. I met him at his place so I could meet his teen daughter the age of my youngest daughter. She approved of me. So we hung out at his place, made meals to
gether, even went shopping together but mostly talked for hours on end. I did not hold back asking anything, I was detailed in what I wanted to know and he was as well. So we got a chance to learn the amount of stuff that most married young couples might take at least 6 months to learn if they're lucky and happen to communicate pretty well, and others who are not as curious and don't just ask or start sharing stories of past experiences, well, some times, it can be years and years before they really know each other.
I don't know what your 'dating 8 months' entails so I can't know how well you know each other. If I were you, I would want to know all about his last relationship, details because if it was a bad relationship and the problem was her, he may have fear of it happening again but instead of telling you this truth he says he doesn't want to rush it. Think about it, he's older than you and he's not getting younger either. Since I and hubby met and married all in the same year, we were of the mind set that we wanted a happy rewarding relationship with whatever years we had left. If he is not thinking like that which is normal, then my guess is saying he doesn't want to rush is just to satisfy you from digging deeper. Little does he know something got your intuition going or you wouldn't be writing in to us, right?
On the other hand if I found out from the last relationship just in his innocent sharing and what he saw as her being the problem, that he was the actual problem, well then I would on a different meet up, tell him that I gave it a good try but I still don't feel a strong enough chemistry. I may like him as a person but it's not enough for a romantic relationship which I want. Only once did I mention the actual truth, the guy lied and said he didn't smoke and after I met him, he pulled out a cigarette. He left hate messages on my voicemail. Don't tell the truth if you have to leave, just say it was about lack of or not enough chemistry. I used that dozens of times on guys and they all seem to accept that excuse as valid.
I also let a guy know why I was on the dating site, this works for someone who meet in person who wants to ask you out. I make sure the person knows up front what I am looking for so we don't waste each others time. If he's looking for just a companion to spend time with sometimes , maybe he is looking for just social dating, there is no real commitment here and certainly not a romance love. You are more like friends and if sex becomes involved, then friends with benefits. If you are looking for a marriage partner and serious about it due to your age, then you have to make that clear. Marriage, not a long dating process or engagement, but actual marriage. So if the two of you have spent enough time together in 8 months to know you don't want to lose the other, then he shouldn't have any qualms about wanting to make you his wife.
However there are so many more details that go into making such a big decision. Any bad past experiences that he hasn't healed from yet, could make him leery of moving on. HOwever, counseling can do wonders. I got counseling after leaving my abusive first husband. I also have a good prayer relationship with God and heard many encouraging things from Him that helped me realize hubby broke his vows long ago by his treatment of me so I was free to leave as far as God was concerned. With all that, from the moment I left the ex, got counseling immediately after, started dating after that short term, then getting smarter and making a list of criteria I wanted men to be able to meet to even meet me in person (this was internet dating) I was able to narrow down and date some nice guys, however my current husband did not even unblock his ad and sent me any message until almost 2 years after I left my husband. I am saying the process can take time but that will be okay as long as both of you have healthy attitudes and minds with no past trauma lurking and both of you feel ready to date. You didn't say how you met. If accidental, it may have been wrong timing for him and he was simply curious and then got used to having you around but not in love with you to want to marry you and never lose you. You two need to really talk. Don't accept half answers, or answers that aren't answers but meant to redirect your attention. Ask him to clarify what he means, if he can't, make a guess with whatever your mind first dreams up asking is it this and telling what popped into your mind. If you are 100% sure of his integrity and that he wouldn't lie, then you can trust his answers to be true and based on his answers, you will know where he stands. YOu might ask if he'd be happier just hanging out with a female friend the rest of his life compared to getting married. Stuff like that. To avoid tossing a thousand questions so it looks like youre grilling him, share a few short things about yourself in between especially if its the same as he feels to reassure him or if you feel differently as he needs to hear it if there are too many points you dont meet on or believe the same, then perhaps he isn't meant for you. Decide what you want in a man, make a list of criteria and if Marriage ready is one of them, put it on your list and make sure to ask any guy if this one doesn't work out, those questions of critera important to you. They can fake being who you want for only a certan amount of time as it takes too much energy to fake a persona more than a couple of months, usually its only two or three dates where the males knowing how easily women fall for men, they feel if a lady is willing to still go out with him on a 3rd or 4th date, he's hooked them. I got that alot and then they showed their true self and I was out of there.

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Help me out here guys!

He says he’s happy in a relationship with his girlfriend and a kid with her but yet he and I went out for a half a year and slept together. But we split up and it does hurt a lot until to this day because we fell in love and loved each other and I myself having hard to get over him and he seems to be quite over me now after a year. We do still catch up at least once a week.

However, when we met up the other day for a coffee he told me he loves her otherwise he wouldn’t be with her. He says he’s done a favour splitting up with me and choosing her and their kid because it would have given me a massive headache for sure that’s what he said.

The thing is I don’t think he loves her REALLY otherwise he wouldn’t dare to go out with me and fall in love with me. I mean am I right guys?? I think it’s his habit of saying he loves her because you get into habit if you live together. I’m still in love with him and I hate myself loving him this much!!! And I know he loves me too but he just won’t say but hiding underneath that face as we both are quite sensitive and emotional people. I still cry and sad thinking of him even though we see each other once or twice a week as he says we’re mates. We’re in our late 20’s. So, so, Would a man just cheat if they’re happily ever after in a relationship? What makes them cheat? Was this a cheat or true love because we did fall in love like crazy. Sorry intelligenent advisors! Thank you!

You are making assumptions you can not prove. No one could unless they lived in that couples home together, invisible so they could observe all the happens, like a fly on the wall. So why do men want to have regular sex with another but have a wife and say they love her?
I am female but I have heard men tell me the truth, some even when I hadn't asked them or had knowledge they were married. I was on a dating site when all my experiences happened and I found my husband through same dating site as well.
One told me on our first date that he was married. Had no sex any longer in the marriage and was looking for a relationship outside the marriage so he could have sex. I happen to not be like you. I could not mess with a married man behind his wifes back without getting her okay with it if I was not considering him for a husband, just a dating partner for sex. I earlier read a profile of two people, one male, one female, who each had a partner who was so physically sick and in pain, maybe fibromyalgia or some impediment now due to accident where they could no longer have sex with their spouse and the spouse loved them so much they didn't want their spouse who loved them still because they loved each other as best friends besides the romantic love, and didn't want their partner to have the entire life of no sex, so they gave permission for the spouse to put out an ad to see if they could find someone, maybe a widow/widower who missed sex but didn't want to ever marry again. I was thinking maybe his situation was the same so I mentioned it. His reply was that he could never tell her. Its not a medical condition, she simply got tired of sex and never wanted it again but they were best friends. This was a couple who never should have married. She was not 100% aroused by him ever in the past and went along with it or she wouldn't been still having sex if they were compatible in that area. They married as best of friends and he loved her so dearly as his best friend, he couldn't bear telling her the truth that he wanted sex with another woman because he knew she'd ask for a divorce and he couldn't afford supporting her in alimony and himself after a divorce.

I met another who said like me he was into finding his one true love for the rest of his life. But he had no trouble showing me pictures of all his female friends and how he knew them, how long they dated and how they were all now just friends. this guy was in his late forties, never married, looking way younger than his age and got calls all the time from a female he supposedly knew. I think some married men are like this, just married, as to why, I don't know, but married with the single mans mentality still of unattached, and he can't stand to not check out this women and see what she is like and then once tired of her, goes on to the next, just for the adventure of learning a new personality, a new body in sex and again, once learned, there is no temptation to stay because his goal is more the new experience and new things learned and the feeling he has for each, though he may think they are love, it is a poor imitation of love. Its basically the words without the actions behind them.
Now, a man may say he loves his wife but gets into another relationship while married. He may not actually be in love, different than just loving a person or something. Just loving is usually about certain aspects or traits of the person or thing that makes you like them or it so strongly that you feel it must be love. But if they died suddenly, would it feel like you lost an arm or leg? Would all lust for life ebb out of you and you want to die too to be with them? People who are truly in love are in love with each other, and that is not colored by their income, living situation or the storms of life that come their way. I have this with my second husband and lacked it with the first so I know what I am talking about.
I can surely state that lots of what I say here goes as well for women in reverse with her being married but cheating.

I feel that in some marriages, once the excitement of the new relationship is passed by, (new relationship energy which can be felt again when getting married) and both no longer feel these out of proportion, unnatural heightened lovey dovey all if going to be 100% Percent perfect the rest of our lives, this means the natural excitement that helps to bring two people together is no longer needed and the level of interest in each other drops to its normal level. Some people don't adjust and realize the love is still there is they aren't feeling the same level of excitement so they stay with the marriage partner but they go looking for a fix, like a drug addict because psychologist have written about this, stating that New relationship energy is a high, different than highs from drugs but a high non the less that people can become so addicted to that they will go for meeting new people and as soon as it wears off, the ones they aren't married to are easy to set aside and go on to others.

For males, having a penis is the end all be all of their life, How it looks, it's length and girth and so on, and they can't help but think about it and any women that makes their penis stir in his pants. For many married men, this occurs whether they want it to or not, they are visually oriented, and what they see makes Mr. Penis dance in the pants. However, they do not act on the fact that another woman makes him react because in reality when young almost a hundred percent of women could do that, when older, maybe somewhere closer to half and as the men get even older when their mind and penis are so in love with the wife that no matter how pretty the female he sees, he just couldn't get hard for her if he tried. Now that is a man who somehow will still get hard for his wife. I used to attend a swing club with my ex. So I can say this is true. It's not only true for my husband. I swapped partners once so my ex was with the other wife and I was somewhere else with her husband and when it came to sex, I could tell he thought I was pretty and his eyes showed his appreciation but he could not get hard. Another time I was right next to the wife who was with someone else and her husband kept going limp because I was not the wife (at this point I wondered even why they were swingers in the first place) so he'd say something, she'd stop with her partner, come over and do some oral on her hubby who sprang back to life so instantly I think my eyes bugged out in shock. Soon after she left, about 3 to 4 minutes, he lost it again. These kinds of men are so tuned in to their wives, so in love that there is no other woman on earth who could lure him away. Money couldn't either. And so I have determined by these and other experiences that the biggest problem when men are easily lured away, it is because opposite to what they think when they say they love their wife, they are not in love with her. However, that doesn't mean that the woman he saw while married is the one he is truly in love with. in love with means you'd move heaven and earth to be with that person only and find a way to overcome any obstacles. Your married guy didn't so I can safely say he is not in love with you. He may say he loves you but a sad thing is that men don't use the word lust enough. I think it has a bad connotation behind it. But half the times when a man says he is in love, he's actually in lust. I read this in a relationship book written by a psychologist. Lust is not love. Lust is more likely the initial reaction when a man is sexually attracted to a female and she shows signs she feels the same towards him. then they met often because of the lust and somewhere along the way, due to seeing each other so often, they also become friends. The love for a friend can feel as strong as the love in a committed relationship to a marriage partner. Those are however two different loves. What the other woman is then, is a friend with benefits in reality even though the man would not think of her that way, she is a girlfriend, or second lover on the side.
So know this, that you are in love with a man who won't ever leave his wife and if you may too big a fuss and won't be content with that he gives you, he can always go find another woman if there already isn't a second or third side woman. I have a document I can paste in for you if you want to read it. I think it might help you to understand how to choose a man. Certainly not someone already taken or married. Divorced for sure and singles are up for grabs. But really, this involves making a couple lists to find the right guy for you, way beyond good looks and income, the kind of stuff where its so good you'll be together to the end of your days. If you are interested, let me know, Its called How to find Mr. Right.

IMPORTANT: If you do want to ask for this, you must look me up under columnists, find Dragonflymagic, open my column and choose the button to write to me to ask for it. If you post in in comments about this current answer, I can not click anywhere to write you back.

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Hello! My (now) fiance proposed to me on Sunday, which of course I'm very happy about, but now he's telling people it's going to be a long time before we get married.

While I understand that we're young (24 and 26) and we've only been together 6 months I feel like it's kind of mean to say that. We both seem to have agreed on 2 years, but in all honestly I'd like to plan it for about a year out maybe a year and a half. I feel like 2 years is too long and leaves too much room for a potential break up while it's easy.

Am I overthinking it? Doesn't it kind of sound like he doesn't want to marry me when he says that? I tried to tell him to just tell people to say we'll do it when I graduate from college (in about a year and a half to two years), but he keeps saying "a looooonnnng time" to people and always emphasizes the long part.

It also seems kind of silly to me because in 6 months (when his lease ends) he wants us to buy a house together and I feel like that's something married couples do.

Alright, we'll take this from the top as you mentioned things. You say that it's mean of him to say that he wants to wait a long time. No, it's not mean and if the two of you can learn to really share whats on your minds without blaming the other for how things make you feel, that's a good start because simply saying you want to wait a looong time does not explain why. The why may be reasonable. One good example of a reasonable explanation would be if he wanted to buy you a custom made wedding band, something expensive, be able to pay for whatever you want for the wedding or be able to afford to take you to Paris or the Bahamas for a honeymoon and will need to save up for that. Back to you using the word, "feel'. What you feel is rules by how your mind perceives things, not on what others do. My example, when I had social anxiety as a child, I assumed when people laughed that they were laughing because I did something stupid and I am only now realizing I have a unique way of verbalizing things that don't quite make sense in such a comedic way that what was actually a good thing, their laughter, I was seeing as a bad thing. You have to learn to own your feelings. They come up from inside of you and are not conjured into existence but the words or acts of others. So it is possible you have a rigid way of thinking, that there is only one way and no other. If not that, something close to it.

You contradict yourself with the next bit: We both seem to have agreed on 2 years. But then you say to be honest, you want 1 to 1 1/2 years. I don't think you used the right word or you don't understand what 'agree' means. Is there something you are leaving out, not telling? Because to be in agreement means both are at peace with the decision and have no want to make any changes to it. Yet it sounds like you somehow got him to say and agree to the idea of 2 years because he would not go for anything sooner. And you were not in agreement but you were pretending it was okay with you when it's really not. Even it you were okay with it even though you wished for a shorter time, that would be called a compromise, a meeting in the middle when both people have difference wishes, both give up something and settle for something in the middle. If you were only pretending to be okay with this, I worry about your relationship in the long run. It takes honesty, which isn't the case here, sharing the why's of any statement, which he isn't doing, and communicating great which neither of you are doing.

Your next sentence supports my next thought really well. You said: I feel like 2 years is too long and leaves too much room for a potential break up while it's easy. Two years is not too long depending on circumstances like finishing college and then working for a while to get money into savings to be able to spend on a wedding. Any more than two years is not normal. He should not be using the engagement time as a time to get to know you better. Some guys do this and the years go by and they feel like married cus of living together all that time and feel no need to spend a lot of money on a wedding. So you might want to discuss true commitment as well. Here's the part that stood out to me, you feeling that in two years time that leaves too much room for a potential break up. Six months is not usually enough time to learn to build trust in each other unless you spent good amounts of time every day together. If you knew he was your soul mate and he knew you were his, then nothing in the world could get either of you to be unfaithful to the other or break things off. Besides, a marriage license is no guarantee against those things happening anyways. There is cheating in marriage or separations and divorces which are the same thing as a break up hon.
Are you over thinking this? I wouldn't say it is so much a case of overthinking as the impression I get that there is some distorted thinking, which is when your minds final belief of the original, true and natural state of things, acts, of people , etc. are twisted or altered from the truth because the person doesn't have all the facts or all the knowledge to come to a correct belief. With distorted thinking comes assumptions. Assumptions can not be a truth until you have clear facts and knowledge of everything and it sure sounds like the two of you don't.
No, it does not sound like he doesn't want to marry you. It sounds like he has reasons for wanting to put it off. Until you know all the facts, that is just an assumption, not proven fact.
Next is 'I tried to tell him to just tell people to say..." and this makes me wonder just exactly how you went about trying to tell him. If you were trying to bully him into caving to your wish, pushing at him verbally, he will only resist harder. If your trying was making some subtle phrases to get him to turn to your ideas, subtle doesn't work, subtle is like hinting instead of spelling it out. I don't know what he says, I'd have to hear from him but from just you expressing your thoughts, I know you could greatly benefit from checking out a book on learning how to have great communication, a book that includes something about working out differences which you have here, comprising, and how to fight fair...yes there is such a thing. Instead of a battle to kill the other, the battle is using words of facts and examples to present to the other so they can either moderate what they want or believe which would be a compromise, or either you or he giving up your defense on what you wanted because with the new information, their idea now makes more sense and sounds better. If he were trying to controll what you told others instead, drilling into you what he wants you to say, would you go for it? Personally, if a guy was doing this all the time with me, I'd probably take off running to never see him again. That could be an indication of a controlling personality, and that is a treatable disorder having to do with the mind but needing a psychologist to work with the patient. I am not saying you are doing this, just letting you know to watch yourself and pay attention to how you treat him, and whether you act controlling in any way at all because if one mate in a relationship or marriage is controlling and doesn't improve with Dr. help, then the relationship is doomed to fail. Call it overthinking on my part, but what I am actually doing is trying to interpret the full reality of what the situation here is, hearing only your side of it shared with just your thoughts, wishes and perceptions. So I feel i need to think of all possibilities and the end results to each. YOu say you graduate in 1 and half to two years. What about him. You did not say. I think its an important factor because if he were in school after you graduated, money will still be tight for him being in school unless he is independently wealthy. I really do not see how he believes at his age of 28 he will have enough money to put down on a house and be able to make the payments without relying on your money for it. A mortgage will be the biggest chunk out of your budget.
What also doesn't make sense is buying a house together which is what married couples do, not two singles. Yes, there are a few unmarried people who do buy a house together. there were two in my neighborhood, common law marriage because they had been together for many years but did not like the idea of a marriage contract. They knew a contract doesn't equal a commitment to. What also sounds crazy is that his lease ends in 6 months and he wants to buy a house when the lease ends? In that case, he kinda needs to be looking into all of the cost right now, finding a realtor you like, letting them know when to start showing you places, knowing what you can afford which has to do with total incomes versus expenses aside from living place expense. There are closing costs and down payments to consider as well. He may not have the money to buy a house while going to school yet if he is not finished until you are, or later.
It sounds like you are listening to and hearing the words he says and then not thinking any further, nothing about how to reach the wanted end result. I know you said it was silly but based only on what you shared, without any important info you may have left out, my reaction is that this is way more serious than just silly and something to laugh at, its absolutely freaking crazy. What he should be doing is looking for another place to rent short term, where he can rent year by year and maybe you could live with him there as soon as you can get out of where you are out to join him. Two years is not enough time to work and earn money for up front costs of getting into a house, it only covers finishing his school. He may have no idea what will be earning and how long until he has a reasonable amount saved up to get into a house. Do you happen to have ten grand in your savings, does he right now? If so, there is no way without that, he can squeak into a house purchase. I see on the internet that a benchmark figure of percent of down payment on a house is 20% of the homes total value. For an example on prices, I live in a big city, or right at its border so I am in the suburbs of it often. I looked up different suburbs and found the median home prices ranged not in city but suburbs from $400,000. to $575,000. That's just my city and my state which I won't reveal but other than little towns with a long commute in to work in other states, I don't think the prices will be much cheaper. Do the research yourself with a search online with ' (your city name) median home prices' and that should give you some idea what you are shooting for and if this is even realistic. Maybe owning a house may be more important to him than marriage. Would you be okay putting your name on the mortgage if it ends up he doesn't want to go through the legal process and expensive ceremony and rather just live together as if married and if a baby is accidentally on the way cus birth control didn't work on this one time, then you will also be tied down with child costs and rearing them, and still not married. That was the case of one non married couple in the neighbor I mentioned.Remember, you can be married, think all is well, buy a house putting your name on the mortgage only to find that he and you are a a bad match and that only did okay in your first couple years together but went downhill after that. Now you have to divorce and a house to sell and split the money between you. Most people I know in my area going to school, can barely afford housing and usually go in with two other roommates to afford one small to average size apartment near the college. That's what my husbands daughter had to do. There is no guarantee how anything will work out with him dating, engaged or whether you will even marry or if you do, if he is the right one for you. In six months, without any plan for what it is you want in a man and what you will not tolerate, without being each others best friend and not a good sexual match and having poor communication, then it's like playing Russian roulette, the game with a revolver where you pull the trigger and all chambers were empty except one having a bullet. How do you know that just because he seems nice and is interested in you that he is a good marriage candidate. I find it odd that he asked after only 6 months. Most people take more time. After a divorce, I made my list of what I was looking for in a man to keep me on track, not distracted by a pretty face, and since I knew what I was looking for, I saw most of that already in the first couple weeks. Of course we both had life experience already and knew that picking apart each others minds, talking about our pasts, telling stories of child hood, sharing our pet peeves, what we gravitate towards,hobbies and talents our strengths and weaknesses, what we stand for as in moral beliefs, spiritual beliefs, philosophy, psychology as we use it to interact with all types of people and on and on, and we did that every day by phone if not in person. So after a while, we decided this looked very promising so the next thing to do was live together. This is important to see the things that can be kept hidden while dating but living separately. Also it makes it easier to gauge whether the actions of the person are daily backing up what they said about themselves and who they presented themselves to be. You can't have full trust in a person until you have seen them consistently act exactly as they said they do. For example, I sounded too good to be true so he never wrote me in the dating site at first. He'd tried and dated other women who said they were pretty much as I described myself, only to end up as fake as possible. He showed me an email response from a woman who said he was just trying to make himself sound good on paper but he was full of BS , (never having met him) and that no guy is like he says he is. She said he was way too intense, scary and seemingly chancy or risky. In living with him, apartment, not in buying a house together, I got to see he was truly what most women all want but failed to see in him or appreciate. He is more like a renaissance man in that he talks like one, calling women with respect using my Lady, he treats me as a equal but loves to lavish time together, doing things for me I could do myself, buying little gifts to let me know he really does listen and knows what I have seen that I mentioned liking, and so on. He is very good at talking things out, intelligent and values my opinion on things. There is more but what he is, there are few men I have ever come across, married or not who even come close to being like that. When I married at 20, I knew nothing about relationships. I am only sharing what I learned the hard way of experiencing the mostly bad and ugly with a little good. I learned. What I heard in prayer when praying for God to send a 2nd husband, is that I needed to make a list of what I saw in other men that I liked, qualities, and what I didn't like or would not tolerate. I had a column of must haves, and wants but not needed. A must have is something like talking already a few dates into seeing each other if you both said you were looking to date to find a marriage partner. If both are dating for the same reason, then early on you find out if they want kids, some don't and if he doesnt and you do, that is a deal breaker. It doesn't matter that almost everything else about him is great, it just won't happen. I met such a guy, he didn't agree with one of my must haves, but looked great, was a Doctor, even was able to read my thoughts, but one of the most important things to me, I knew would eventually grate on me if I did marry him and I'd grow to resent him and the relationship fall apart after that. Maybe since my first marriage was so bad, abusive... I already knew I'd done the worst, so why settle for less and just get a lesser bad version of the first? I wanted someone pretty much the total opposite and I was finding some close possibilities but not exactly what I wanted. I think you should do the same, even though you feel he is the one. Either the list making will confirm it for you or you will begin to dig deeper in conversation with him and find enough off, that makes you reconsider marrying him. If there is something you don't like but think you can put up with, you aren't looking far enough into the future. It works when you only look at it on a day by day basis as in 'can I handle this behavior or personality quirk one more day?" Sure we all can. But that is a mental trick we play on ourselves, a coping mechanism. When I asked myself if I could take the same thing I'd been putting up with daily for almost 30 years, and take it for another 10 years, 20 years or til the day I die, I broke down crying, knowing that I really couln't stand it. I had to get out. I am not saying your guy is that bad. Based on how you wrote this, He doesn't seen the typical man. NOt many propose after only 6 months but take a lot longer to decide. I am not worried about the age being too young, this is a very typical age bracket for young couples getting married, 22 to 28. My girls got married in that range. But I think he may be a dreamer, lots of wishful thinking, looking at only a small point rather than the greater picture of reality, naive, poor at making extensive plans for the future. He may have those qualities but nothing you said about him supports that. Proposing so early and wanting to jump into a house purchase with a woman he's not married to before he finishes school, simply because his rent lease ended, is not the actions of a man who is level headed and makes good decisions 95 % of the time. I think you better get to know him better. Ask why a lot. Remember little kids always asking why. Example: A parent tells child, Don't run into the street. The kid doesn't agree in his mind to just obey that without knowing why the parent asked that. So they ask why. Mom says because the driver might not see you and end up hitting you. to which they ask why would the driver hit them with their car, and Mom has to say because you are too short for them to see you or if you come out behind between parked cars, they can't see you coming and have no time to stop the car. And sometimes you get another why and have to ask what they are now asking why about. I've met kids like that. It is truly exhausting trying to explain to a young mind like that. But we tend to stop doing this once we are teens and older. We stop doing this when we start dating and simply try to guess what something said really meant. You can't know, just like the little child, unless you ask. What one person says, may mean something to them, a common phrase, a way of wording something that could have several meanings but the speaker assumes you will know which one without voluntarily explaining for one example. You need to ask him to reword what he is saying or simply ask why if the words were clear but he didn't volunteer a reason. Men typically don't, they just make statements and thats it. Their reasoning for not giving all the details, half the times are sound thinking but then again, were assumptions, just guessing how I would handle or react to hearing the whole deal, explanations and all. That joke about men not asking for directions when lost is actually fairly typical, not about just being lost, but men don't tend to ask for help. My husband, as great a man as he is, is still ruled by the basic manly mind. So when he is searching for something, tearing the place apart looking for something and I have asked several times what he is looking for and he doesn't answer but I hear him grumble and get more agitated at himself, it isn't until he gives up and finally tells me he was looking for such and such. I point and say, It was right there, inches from you all that time, if you had asked, you could have avoided wasting so much time and getting upset. I ask why he didn't just ask and the answer is usually the same, because I wanted to save time, in not having to stop and explain to me what he is looking for. When I mention that it would've only taken seconds if a minute at worst case to explain to me, and he wasted 5 minutes hunting, what was he thinking? He admits he feels he is intelligent enough to find what he wants in a few seconds. So why do men not ask for help after not finding something in a short time frame? Because then it makes them look bad probably when compared to some image in their mind of how a man is supposed to be. Like a person with a natural GPS in his DNA or some extra sensory perception where he can zone in on lost items like a super hero, and that brings us down to what is the main issue, men want to be the hero of the woman he is crazy about, he wants her to think of he as being able to offer her the best of everything. That may be what is making him say he wants to wait to marry. He then would need to know that you are okay with marrying him sooner, before he reaches all these goals he has. Once he has the house, what other goal will he have to journey towards before he wills he is a fit candidate as a husband who can provide for you. It should be stuff you both work together toward attaining. So I hope you understand why I stress good communication of which asking why and for explanations is a part of it.



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A friend of mine who used to be a very nice person went to college. Now he looks down on everyone and treats us like we're subhuman. How should i act when i run into him?

Act civil and polite and say HI, even if he doesn't greet you or even look your way. He is the one with the problem and who knows what changed him so greatly. All you know is that he is a 'past' friend, not a current friend and you should not be wasting time trying to reconnect as friends as it will be an impossible feat. If you feel upset by his behavior, think of it this way, as a soul, you're probably advanced like college level whereas his soul is at Kindergarten level and you can't expect a Kindergartner to act like a college student. There are lots of things that wouldn't matter to you or get you upset like if a little child were snubbing you. You'd shrug your shoulders and walk away. Stooping to his level and treating him back the way he is treating you and others won't hurt him but messes just with you and how you feel about yourself. He may never change back but then again, maybe he will someday in the future regret the person he has become and want to look up old friends. If he does, you have to remember not to close the door on him because you shouldn't judge a person based on their past. You can only give them a chance to prove themselves here and now, in current time and if he is changed, accept him back and don't bring up his past unless he does. If you give him a chance and he proves he is not changed all these years later, then do not accept his friendship and let him go. This again is just about the future whether a handful of years, a decade or whatever.

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Bare with me, I am a good student. I get mostly high A's with a few high B's in between and then I'll wind up having to take a math course and struggling through the class. I just can't wrap my head around anything more complicated than Algebra. I keep trying to avoid math courses, but things like physics, micro/macroeconomics, and calc keep popping up as a required part of my major.

I've changed majors twice already because although I did great in the core classes, I couldn't handle the advanced math classes. Now I'm running into the same problem again. I really want to be in something healthcare/science related, but it all winds up circling back around to really complicated math.

I'm starting to feel like I'm just not cut out for a science degree, but I'm a junior right now and I feel like it's too late to change majors. I've been working towards a bachelors for almost 4 years (I work full time too).

Do you think it's better that I just call it quits on anything related to math on an advanced level and make one final major change over to something not requiring so much math so I can just graduate and go onto grad school? I've tried tutoring and studying in every way possible, but I just can't seem to get advanced formulas.

Lucky you, at least you figured out Algebra. I was plucked from regular math class in HS to end up in a whole class of those struggling with math. I think they were trying something new. I got stuck at algebra and felt sorry for my teacher who was patient and truly tried many different ways to explain each time I went up to his desk for help. I think some peoples minds, like mine, just don't think that way and may never get past the basics. I am more creatively minded as are all my daughters. So my suggestion is that if you love some things about science, then consider that as something you delve into just for a hobby, for fun, not as a a vocation. Even if somehow you barely squeaked by and passed and got your degrees, you would hate your job if you could even get one in the fields you mention because it would be constantly stressful every time math is involved or you end up stuck, embarrassed and worse, fearing losing your job and being replaced with someone who can handle higher math. Because of this, I feel you may be happier calling it quits as you said, on anything involving higher math. At least you can know you aren't a quitter or one who gives up too easily. You seen to have tried with the tutoring and extra studies. In this case, it's a matter of trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. It just isn't meant to fit.
You may want to talk to your guidance counselor. If there is a test that can be taken that based on your answers to multiple choice questions, shows where you have other interests, I'd do that. Eons ago, I took such a test at a community college to see if there was any line of work I'd be happier in. It should have had one that stuck out above all others, mine came back with 4 that were exactly equal to each other. Since I was only toying with the idea of going to college, I did not in fact go at all.
This may not help, but perhaps if you look to your hobbies, something you wouldn't think of as a money earning career, perhaps you can gain some clues there. Or think about what some things are that you are passionate about and what quality you have that makes you passionate about it. To explain, I will use myself. I am passionate about anything that involves my nurturing aspect and teaching aspect. I am not a school teacher. But even while working as a clerk, what I loved most is being a mom and raising my kids, working in the garden and giving advice where I also get to share things that might teach others. Nurturing little seedlings to grow is a love of mine. Nurturing might come in working with animals in some way although I don't currently but love pets. I know this may not sound helpful but you have already changed majors twice. I know a fellow who did this 4 or 5 times, going to school for an extra long time before he realized that the vocations one could get a degree for at a university, just did not interest him nor did he have what it takes to do them exceptionally well. Last I heard, he decided to go after a job that one could get training for on the job or in a separate school, like training to be a bus driver, going to a beauticians school, a cooking school or a technical school to learn computers, mechanics school to learn to work on cars. Lets take working on cars as an example. Sure you don't make as much as you would as a scientist but if you are in a job that you love and enjoy, you will excell in it over others just doing it to earn a living. I used to have a mechanics shop I preferred over others to take my car to because the group of people working there were excellent as well as the boss who was the one who talked to every client. I realized I had faith in and believed in them beyond any other place. Unfortunately, I no longer live in the area and it's too far away. But having customers who believe in you because they can sense and feel your love of what they do and they do it well, thats what spreads word of mouth to friends who will come and you make money not on salary but on repeat and expanding business. Then when your schedule is so full that you can no longer fit everyone in, you can start getting more in pay for the same job such as a gal who used to cut my hair in my 30s and 40s. I had gone many places where the person would not listen and cut my hair the way they wanted, usually a hack job, taking off way more than I wanted. So when I found someone good at her job, I had trust in her, didn't want to even try anyone else and willing to pay more when the cost went up. I hope that thinking along these lines will help you figure out what you want to go after.

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Like if a person says “don't be cheapened by a failure“ or “don’t be cheapened by the world”, etc.

Cheapened here is a negative word so its used instead of other words or a phrase that are about a negative action. Using 'don't' makes it a warning not to fall into a negative thought pattern about some event, person or larger thing such as society or the world. I would say don't give up just because you failed once or twice. Or don't believe that the whole world is going to Hell. There are still good people in it and you can be one of them, affecting those in your circle of influence in a positive way.

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I am often alone in the house I tend to talk to myself. I usually have conversations on many different topics, it just depends on the day. I have a weird habit whenever I do this, I repeat what I say. I will, for example, say "I'm good" but I will repeat it 3 to 5 times and it always said in the same tone and way and I just find it really weird. I won't even realise I'm doing it, I'll just walk around repeating the same thing until I continue with the conversation. Anyone know what this is all about?

Talking to one self occasionally is not weird. It is normal. Your thoughts in your head are simply being verbalized to no one else, just yourself. I have talked to myself since I was a little kid and I am now a grandma. However I don't have long conversations on many topics. It's more of talking to myself to figure out a problem or issue. So if I were rearranging furniture by myself, I might say, "How about if we put this there. Oh dear, that doesn't work. I need to find the measuring tape to know if it will fit before I move a piece. Now where is that measuring tape." And that would be the end of it until I am completely done where I might comment on it to myself. "There, this is more practical and has a more homey feel to it."

What I am more concerned about is your repeating of behaviors and knowing it's 3 to 5 times each time you do it. This could be the beginning of a disorder called OCD. Heres a description of it:

OCD is a common, chronic disorder in which a person has uncontrollable, reoccurring thoughts (obsessions) and behaviors (compulsions) that he or she feels the urge to repeat over and over in response to the obsession.
Most disorders and mental illnesses do start when a person is in their teens. I learned that when it happened to my brother. SO if you are in that age bracket and it hasn't happened before, it could just be starting. or If you have done this for quite some time, either way it would be best to get tested for the disorder so if you have it a doctor and teach you how to handle it and how to live with it. See your family Doctor for a referral to a psychologist.

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