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Embarrassing Church Mission Trip
This past summer I went on a church mission trip to Puerto Rico for a week. I had a lot of fun but...on the last night we did this thing where we got in a circle and “got things off our chest”.I automatically started thinking about one of my greatest secrets: My depression. I thought it would be healthy to get it off my mind so after a few choking sobs and reassurance from my group leader, i said it. And well I almost automatically regretted it. Not only was I unable to stop crying but no one else had anything to say so the focus was entirely on me. Fast forward a few months later, school has started and i’ve almost forgotten about my embarrassing moment. Then I recieve news that my Mission Trip group is starting to have meetings every sunday to discuss upcoming youth church events. So now I have to see these people every sunday. The people who witnessed one of my most vulnerable moments. To be quite blunt, my weekends are ruined. I absolutely hate going. Everytime we start driving to the the church I break down and start crying. I just don’t know what to do.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
I understand how it can feel to worry about the bad impression made on other people. First, a youth group outing is not the place to get help. If you haven't even told your parents, and like my oldest daughter, never told them, then I would first like to say something as a mom. I was very involved and available in each childs life and had chats with them alone, you know, quality time where I shared things and asked if everything was okay with them. Never did she say. I do know that some times, depression will lead to suicide. Luckily my daughter didn't do that but neither did she get help. So if your secret includes the parents, try to think how they would feel to find out decades from now that you've suffered all that time. Thats about my story. I still feel terrible, having the chance to help my daughter, taken away from me. There is help dear. Lots of people have depression these days and many are good at hiding it from others. I will share also that my daughter progressed as an adult from depression to mental illness. That may not happen to you but you never know, depression might just be the first so its important to get treatment. Don't your parents wonder why you hate going to church now and why you start crying on the way there? If they are accepting an answer of 'I just don't like going." then you have to tell them more. To tell you truthfully, your group leader would be an adult if not a youth pastor. I used to attend youth group once upon a time. It should have been their responsibility to bring up what you shared to your parents as depression is nothing to mess around with or ignore. Let me tell you again more about my daughter, She is in such bad shape, that CPS took her first child away from her to send to the childs actual birth Dad for safety to be raised. She remarried and the new husband has mental health issues worse than her and convinced her to cut herself off from her entire side of the family and he did the same with his. They have a pre school child that CPS can't know for sure is okay but they now go to church and the pastor says they seem to be fine but he only sees the mask of normal they put on at sunday service and isn't with them 24/7. It will likely take having a teacher spot bruises on that little girl when she finally starts school in 2 more years, the same way it was caught with the first who is much older and able to confirm that both mom and step dad were beating her with objects. Because of the fact that she is now an adult and not a minor whom I could get mental health appointments for, there is nothing I can do and that hurts me to see my daughters life go down the drain like that. Don't wait until you are an adult when you may not have the insurance or resources or may be even worse off and very resistant to help like my daughter. You are in no shape to be part of missions work and reaching out to help others. Let me share a verse God shared with me.
Mark 12:30-31 New International Version (NIV)
30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’[a] 31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b] There is no commandment greater than these.”
I am sure you are familiar with that. What God pointed out to me is that the word neighbor comes before the word 'yourself' and that many people stop at the word neighbor and forget that the verse also pertains to themselves. He said love your neighbor in churches is also part of any outreach, missions, helping a elderly neighbor, volunteering at a local charity, etc... anything that you would do because you want to make a difference in the lives of others, whether sharing the gospel or in filling someones needs as Jesus did when feeding or healing people.
Now here's the lesson God taught me: You can not fully love your neighbor until you love yourself first and that means taking care of yourself, making sure you are in top mental, physical and emotional health. The reason why is that God uses us as the means to get that love to others, so essentially we are like Garden hoses that living water pours out through, but it can't if the hose has a blockage or several leaks so barely any water comes out the end of the hose. I hope you see what God was telling me. I was allowing myself to be in a situation for years that was majorly stressing me out and affecting my physical health. Stress has to go somewhere and will attack either your physical health or mental health. The world today is so much more stressful than when I was a teen that it isn't uncommon to find many teens with depression with is an attack of stress unless it is clinical depression because your body is unable to create its own feel good hormones. The greater portion of people on meds for depression don't need to be. I'll explain. For a few decades now, psychologists are learning a none medical way to deal with depression, and try that first. If it does not work, then as a last choice, they issue medicine. I know someone personally who used this method to recover. It is called CBT, cognitive behavorial therapy. So your parents need to find a Dr who deals in this. They will likely need to get a referrel from your family Dr. first but can insist they want only one trained in CBT. So it may be a good idea to simply show them my response to you. As long as you are still depressed, you will go on through life, always feeling bad about others who know your condition or witnessed your breakdown. I think the reason you actually thought it would be a good idea for that split second is because God wanted you to let it out, let it be known so you can get help and one of your Angels whispered it in your ear. It's no accident when I automatically start thinking about something that I wasn't before, and an example would be, "Gee, I need to call my sister, I haven't talked to her in a while.' and that thought won't let me do anything cus its foremost in my mind so I call and then find out she has an immediate bad situation that needs prayer. So hon, there is always a reason for this happening. Yes you feel badly and can't handle the pressure and God knows that too but He can't help you unless you ask for help. And if you don't, your life will not immprove but get worse and worse and I know that alone is even more depressing to think about. So if you can't say anything to your parents, at least show them what you told me and my response. I will be praying for you to have courage to do so.
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