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No commitment
I’m a 35 year old woman... I’m dating a guy that’s 54 we’ve been dating for 8 months... and we’re still not in a relationship, before me he was in a 12 yr relationship... and he tells me he does not wanna rush, but I’m not getting any younger and I want to be in a committed relationship... so my question is do u think 8 months is too long?
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From how you wrote, what I seem to get is that you feel a committed relationship means you have a wedding ring on your finger. If that is what you believe, then my idea of committed relationship differs from yours. I believe there are life long committed couples living as husband and wife but do not have a marriage certificate and after many years are consider as common law marriage because they have been together for so many years. I also know of long term, but not life long couples, who in dating, meet someone they really care about, start living together but due to whatever reasons, do not want to marry. They are exclusive with each other, don't cheat, and are not distinguishable as any different than the other two types when you meet them. However, something comes up to break them up. However they were committed to just each other for around 5 years or more.
OKay so he's 54, take off 12 years if he recently got out of the relationship and that puts him at 42 before he got into a long term relationship and I don't know since you didn't say, whether it was one of my versions of relationship or marriage. But if thats the only time he was ever in a committed relationship long term, then what was he doing in his twenties all up until he was entering the forties? That is a red flag until I get some reasonable explanation. A reasonable example of one would be that one parent died or divorced and the one he lived with got critically ill and so when he finished HS he went straight into care giving of the parent and working a job while having someone else look in after the parent. He felt so tied to having to take care of them, there was no time to date, meet and marry a woman or have kids. Not until the ill parent died was he free to live his own life and date.
I can't tell you if 8 months is enough time to know the person well enough to marry them. That can happen in any amount of time. Example: if dating and seeing each other once a week on a date, then over 8 months you've seen him 32 times and someone dating a person seeing them several times a week and hanging out together on weekends, just do not compare. The one with more time together is going to know the person better. Lastly the couple who call each other every day to talk, or the days they see each other, they end up mostly talking rather than going to a movie, on a private picnic or out to a fancy restaurant, have the best chance to really know each other. I did just that with my second husband. I met him at his place so I could meet his teen daughter the age of my youngest daughter. She approved of me. So we hung out at his place, made meals to
gether, even went shopping together but mostly talked for hours on end. I did not hold back asking anything, I was detailed in what I wanted to know and he was as well. So we got a chance to learn the amount of stuff that most married young couples might take at least 6 months to learn if they're lucky and happen to communicate pretty well, and others who are not as curious and don't just ask or start sharing stories of past experiences, well, some times, it can be years and years before they really know each other.
I don't know what your 'dating 8 months' entails so I can't know how well you know each other. If I were you, I would want to know all about his last relationship, details because if it was a bad relationship and the problem was her, he may have fear of it happening again but instead of telling you this truth he says he doesn't want to rush it. Think about it, he's older than you and he's not getting younger either. Since I and hubby met and married all in the same year, we were of the mind set that we wanted a happy rewarding relationship with whatever years we had left. If he is not thinking like that which is normal, then my guess is saying he doesn't want to rush is just to satisfy you from digging deeper. Little does he know something got your intuition going or you wouldn't be writing in to us, right?
On the other hand if I found out from the last relationship just in his innocent sharing and what he saw as her being the problem, that he was the actual problem, well then I would on a different meet up, tell him that I gave it a good try but I still don't feel a strong enough chemistry. I may like him as a person but it's not enough for a romantic relationship which I want. Only once did I mention the actual truth, the guy lied and said he didn't smoke and after I met him, he pulled out a cigarette. He left hate messages on my voicemail. Don't tell the truth if you have to leave, just say it was about lack of or not enough chemistry. I used that dozens of times on guys and they all seem to accept that excuse as valid.
I also let a guy know why I was on the dating site, this works for someone who meet in person who wants to ask you out. I make sure the person knows up front what I am looking for so we don't waste each others time. If he's looking for just a companion to spend time with sometimes , maybe he is looking for just social dating, there is no real commitment here and certainly not a romance love. You are more like friends and if sex becomes involved, then friends with benefits. If you are looking for a marriage partner and serious about it due to your age, then you have to make that clear. Marriage, not a long dating process or engagement, but actual marriage. So if the two of you have spent enough time together in 8 months to know you don't want to lose the other, then he shouldn't have any qualms about wanting to make you his wife.
However there are so many more details that go into making such a big decision. Any bad past experiences that he hasn't healed from yet, could make him leery of moving on. HOwever, counseling can do wonders. I got counseling after leaving my abusive first husband. I also have a good prayer relationship with God and heard many encouraging things from Him that helped me realize hubby broke his vows long ago by his treatment of me so I was free to leave as far as God was concerned. With all that, from the moment I left the ex, got counseling immediately after, started dating after that short term, then getting smarter and making a list of criteria I wanted men to be able to meet to even meet me in person (this was internet dating) I was able to narrow down and date some nice guys, however my current husband did not even unblock his ad and sent me any message until almost 2 years after I left my husband. I am saying the process can take time but that will be okay as long as both of you have healthy attitudes and minds with no past trauma lurking and both of you feel ready to date. You didn't say how you met. If accidental, it may have been wrong timing for him and he was simply curious and then got used to having you around but not in love with you to want to marry you and never lose you. You two need to really talk. Don't accept half answers, or answers that aren't answers but meant to redirect your attention. Ask him to clarify what he means, if he can't, make a guess with whatever your mind first dreams up asking is it this and telling what popped into your mind. If you are 100% sure of his integrity and that he wouldn't lie, then you can trust his answers to be true and based on his answers, you will know where he stands. YOu might ask if he'd be happier just hanging out with a female friend the rest of his life compared to getting married. Stuff like that. To avoid tossing a thousand questions so it looks like youre grilling him, share a few short things about yourself in between especially if its the same as he feels to reassure him or if you feel differently as he needs to hear it if there are too many points you dont meet on or believe the same, then perhaps he isn't meant for you. Decide what you want in a man, make a list of criteria and if Marriage ready is one of them, put it on your list and make sure to ask any guy if this one doesn't work out, those questions of critera important to you. They can fake being who you want for only a certan amount of time as it takes too much energy to fake a persona more than a couple of months, usually its only two or three dates where the males knowing how easily women fall for men, they feel if a lady is willing to still go out with him on a 3rd or 4th date, he's hooked them. I got that alot and then they showed their true self and I was out of there.
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