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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
Okay, so this is going to be kind of hard to explain. The other night I went out and partied like I usually do on the weekends, I came home went to bed for a couple of hours, then woke up. Later on the day I took a nap and as I was falling asleep, it was like I was half asleep half awake. But no matter what I did I couldn't wake myself up, I couldn't move and I couldn't talk. I was "dreaming" of my getting up but it was so hard to move in my dream it was as if I was stuck in slow motion. I knew I was asleep but I was trying so hard to wake myself up. I was finally able to wake up but I closed my eyes and I went right back to the same place. In both dreams I started at my bed where I fell asleep. It was different from just falling asleep and dreaming. This is the 2nd time in my life that this has happened and it's kind of scary to me because I don't know what's happening. It feels like im paralyzed. Can anyone explain or tell me what is happening?
The Answer
It's called sleep paralysis, and it's totally normal, happens to perfectly health people some times. It can be brought on by stress, or sleep deprivation, or be part of other issues, but if it's only happened twice in your life, it's probably just a random occurrence.
When we enter REM sleep (the time during sleep where we dream) our mind triggers something called muscle atonia. Basically, our muscles turn off, to keep us from acting out our dreams - and maybe hurting ourselves well doing it. The signals from the brain that say "You are running, move your legs like this!" don't make it through to the muscles. That deliberate muscle weakness also means we can't move, or speak.
So sleep paralysis happens when you become aware/awake while your your muscles remain 'off' for a few moments. It can be scary, but it's totally normal, and there is nothing to be scared of.
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The Question
A few months ago, I began seeing this really great guy. We attend the same university, but I am a sophomore and he is a senior. He is graduating next month, and after that, he plans on moving to a city six hours away from where we go to school.
We go out on dates and are physically intimate, but he told me straight up that once he moves, we are to be just friends. He doesn't do long-distance relationships.
He plans on visiting the university when he moves, but he told me that we would be strictly platonic, nothing physical.
He doesn't understand how much this upsets me. I have tried so hard to keep from having feelings for him, but he's the kind of guy I'd want to be with, and I fear that I will never meet anyone like him ever again. I don't think he has any real feelings for me, seeing as he essentially placed an expiration date on our relationship.
It pains me to admit this, but I don't think I can convince him to carry on the "relationship" when he moves. So how can I keep myself from going crazy for the next month or so? I enjoy being with him, but I always end up nearly crying because I keep thinking about how awful it's going to be when he leaves.
Thank you for any advice :)
The Answer
Can you keep yourself from going crazy when you know this has a clear expiry date?
Some people can do that, but maybe you can\'t. Maybe the cost of being with him now (the sadness of knowing it\'s going to end) isn\'t a price you are able to pay.
You need to seriously ask yourself if it\'s worth mourning the relationship now, or if you are able to enjoy for a few more weeks and mourn it then. There is no right or wrong answer here, you just have to take an honest look at yourself and decide what is best for you. If you really can\'t enjoy yourself, and end up crying and miserable each time you are together, that might be something worth continuing for the next few weeks.
You are right: It doesn\'t sound like he has any intention at all of continuing your relationship when he moves. That doesn\'t necessarily mean he has no feelings at all for you, but he doesn\'t have the kind of feelings that you are looking for. He\'s been pretty clear about this, and you should respect what he says.
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The Question
Im at 22 year old female, from the age of 12 I have always known that I am bisexual, however recently I have jumped from lad to lad, I have also started to feel its more myself and happy flirting with the ladies, im just confused if this means im more gay then straight
The Answer
Does it matter?
You already know your orientation isn\'t just black and white. Like most people, you exist on a spectrum.
A lot of people find that their place on that spectrum changes throughout their lives. Most people I know identity a bit differently at 30, then they did at 16.
Spend time with the people you want to spend time with, and pursue the kinds of relationship you want to pursue. If you find your behaviour doesn\'t fit the label you gave yourself before, that\'s fine, you can always change the way you talk about your orientation.
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The Question
Alls anyone could talk about is how Elsa and Jack Frost will get together. THEY WON'T!!!! Me and my friend did some research on how old Elsa is, and she's 21. Isn't it unreasonable that a 21 year old will date a 12 year old? We're actually gonna make Frelza (frozone+Elsa). Why do people get so “OMG, Jack Frost and Elsa has ice powers, they should get together!!!!!!" It's really brain dead.
The Answer
They are fictional characters.
Sure, a 21 year and a 12 year old would be illegal in most places - if they were actually people, but they aren\'t actually people. They are characters.
People are having fun, making up impossible stories, about two fictional characters. When I was a teen, my some of my friends liked to cross Buffy and Star Trek TNG, which was weird, because vampires in space, wouldn't they just burn every time they were exposed to star light?
Some people had really strong feelings about that.
If you don't like the totally made up idea of Jelsa, then just don't read about it or engage with it. There is no reason to police other people's fantasies about cartoon characters.
As Elsa may say: Let it go.
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The Question
What would you do in this situation? Both my husband and my brother go on long-term vendettas--some for life whereby they will never speak to someone again. Their vendettas are over things I do not consider to be terribly serious. I dislike confrontation and strive to avoid it and now find myself stuck. My brother gets offended easily, is mad at me over something that I consider minor and has cut me off. I apologized in an email for anything hurtful that may have happened but he never replied. He is executor of our parents' estate and has a fiduciary duty to finalize things but has gone quiet and not finalized the estate 3 weeks ago when he had said he would (before the falling out). If I mention this to my husband, he will want to end relations with my brother. So in a sense, I am acting as a buffer between the two. It's eating away at me. On the one hand, I feel I should let my husband know that my brother is on a vendetta and hasn't finalized our parents' estate; on the other hand, if I tell my husband this, I know he will never forgive my brother and it will be the end of our family relationship.
The Answer
Tell your husband what has happened, and then tell him you expect him to control himself and not add additional misery and stress to your life, while you are doing the difficult task of dealing with your brother.
Your brother you are stuck with. He'll always be in your life to some extent and maybe he is a crazy, miserable, vindictive person, but he\'s your brother and right now he owes you money, so you must have some of contact with him.
Your husband - he's supposed to be your partner. He's supposed to be in this with you. If he is adding a large amount of extra stress or unhappiness to your life, due to his inability to behave himself, that's the sort of thing you can fairly ask him, and expect him, to work on and cut out.
Your husband can be angry, or upset, but he doesn't get to make the final decision about your relationship with you brother. You do. Your husband can only make those sorts of decisions for you, if you allow him too, and you probably shouldn't give him that sort of power over your life if you know he has a vindictive nature and a habit of holding a grudge.
You don't need to be a buffer here. You don't have to stand up for either of these men, but you do need to stand up for yourself.
You need to tell your husband what your expectations are. You shouldn't need to hold things back from him out of fear. He should be able to behave himself even when upset with others. You don't need to demand he not be unhappy when someone does something wrong, but you do have to hold him to the expectation that he be reasonable and respectful of your family - even if a family member is being a real jerk.
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The Question
Hello,
Usually when sleeping with someone I am always on the bottom. Recently, this guy flipped me over on top and I realized i'm so bad at riding on top of him.
Advice??
The Answer
Practice.
Everyone\'s body is different. What feels good will be different for different people, with different people. Practice and build up your confidence. That\'ll make you better at it.
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The Question
hi! my grandma had bone problems and i don't know how to spell what she had but you probably know what i mean right? in school they were talking about the same thing in health class and she said that if we ate calcium rich foods we would not get that disiease. great but how much milk and cheese can you eat?! are there any other foods that have calcium but maybe don't make you so fat?
The Answer
Her doctor has probably given her calcium supplements - pills. If she has been diagnosed with an illness that causes calcium deficiency, that's the thing she needs.
It's sweet that you want to help, but chances are at your grandma's time of life, calcium intake will have more to do with her meds than with her meals. Most women, even just middle-aged women, benefit from calcium supplements.
Best thing you can do is encourage your grandma to see the doctor, listen to the doctor, and do what the doctor says. If she doesn't have a good relationship with her current doctor, she should try and see another.
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The Question
Free education
Free housing
Free health care
One baby and all this government assistance
Gets an American citizens job. WTF? I have to plan early and find out how I'm gonna get a scholarship because my family can't afford college, and we gotta pay taxes or get the F out, we have an apartment above grandma's house and the best we can figure out but may or may not take it is a house with walls inside gutted out, and my dad has a back injury and can't even work at McDonalds cause of it and has to go to court and fight for a check, meanwhile my mom is 40 something and has to go to school and get a better job so me and my siblings could have a life, yet anyone could illegally cross the border and it's all like,“oh, here's all this money, and a house, you can go to Harvard for free, oh, and you can have this American guys job, you don't have to pay for anything" yet my family pays taxes and stuff like that and we get NOTHING other then a poor school needing to do 10,000 fundraisers a year and box tops every 2 days, but nooo, aliens get a fancy private school. I know an old lady who may have no place to live in the future, and you know what she gets from the government? NOTHING! NOTHING AT ALL! NOT A CENT! But illegal immigrants get EVERYTHING! It's not fair American citizens should be treated better and illegals sent back or put in jail! Why, in other t countries they'll threaten your children and kill you if you enter illegally.
The Answer
Someone has been lying to you. Lots of someone\'s perhaps.
Most illegal immigrants in the States work low-wage jobs. Many make less than minimum wage and can never complain, or argue for better, because the laws that protect Americans wages and work don\'t apply to them. They work as much as their employer demands, for as little as they offer. If not, they are fired without any ability to complain about the employers abuse and illegal behaviour.
There are even people who argue that without illegal immigration, it wouldn't be possible to generate enough food, cheaply enough, to feed Americans. Americans wont work the fields for dollars a day - illegal immigrants will.
Maybe a few people born here to illegal immigrants earn scholarships to good schools, but the majority of children of illegal immigrants never even finish high school, largely because they are pressured to enter the workforce to help support the family and earn their keep, and because they know their status means they can't attend college anyways.
Of course there are horrible things about illegal immigration, and it is a crime. It does cost the government money, and it also drives down wages for low-wage American workers, but someone has been telling you lies to try to make you hate them even more. Many illegal immigrants do pay taxes (even though they can't access most of the services those taxes go towards) and if they overpay, the don't get a refund.
To say that immigrants get 'everything' is nonsensical. They have no legal protections and no dignity. There is no court for them to go too. No check for them to fight for. No justice to access. Most have no hope of every improving their situation. You and your mother at least had a chance to improve your lives through hard work - and your mother made it happen for your family. Illegal immigrants only have the hope to not slip deeper into poverty.
You may not like that the children of illegal immigrants are Americans, by they are Americans just the same way you are. Should we deny the rights of children of other people who've committed crimes? Should we jail and kill the children of murderers as well?
People tell these lies about illegal immigration so you don't get mad at your government, and your representatives. So you don't realize that the same policies they say are there to keep those 'damn illegals' down are also making your life much harder. Each election they get to blame the immigrants for the bad job market, and the bad schools, even it's really their policies and choices that are making your life worse, and they don't have to fix that as long as they keep you lied too and angry. They want you to shut up about actual problems, and just keep bitching about those damn immigrants.
Wise up. Illegal immigration is not actually the biggest problem facing America. A angry, misinformed voting base is.
Adviceman is right we have different feelings you and I, but I have facts where you have fictions. You got these fictions from people whose power is based in your being misinformed. I don't like illegal immigration, but I hate liars. This isn't about bleeding hearts or some sort 'fairness'. Illegal immigrants are criminals, but the people who told you these lies are fuelling hatred and stupidity. It might be legal to lie, just to make people hate each other, but it horrific and hateful behaviour.
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The Question
Hey guys. I would love any and all advice. So my question is if its worth a shot? Here is the situation: so I met a girl I realy like. There is one problem she is a Christian and I am a LaVayan Satanist (no that dose not mean I'm a devil worshiper if you think so I encourage you to reasearch the subject). I know she is a Christian because I whent to her church with a few freinds one time and that's were I met her. The sermon that was given the night that I went was on relationships. The pastor said that Christians shouldn't date people who are not a Christian. I'm not sure if she belivies that or not. I have no problem having a relationship with some one of a diferent religion. I would never try to convert her of go against what she wished. I guess what I want to ask is it worth basicaly asking her to possibly go against what she belivies to have a relationship together or should I just forget about her. Thank you for the help.
The Answer
People engage with their faith differently. There is no reason to automatically assume she agrees with her Pastor on every topic.
Go ahead and like her, and don\'t make assumptions about what she must think or believe based on what other people who also call themselves Christian, or belong to her church. You wouldn\'t want her to make assumptions about your beliefs like that.
But you should keep your eyes and ears open as you get to know her. As part of a large, organized Christian church, she\'ll be under more pressure to conform than you are, and many Christian groups have a focus on conversion of others. Just because you are comfortable dating someone of another faith, and respecting those differences, doesn\'t mean she will be as comfortable with that idea, or that she won\'t have influencers around her who have a problem with that approach.
If you are just getting to know her now though, keep doing that, listening and asking questions. You still have plenty of conversations to be had before you ask her to date you, right?
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The Question
17/f
New York state
I am nearing the end of my senior year in high school, but lately, I haven't been attending daily because I've been pretty ill, physically. I have an overactive thyroid which is causing me to have diarrhea, as well as many other health issues.
The past two times I've tried staying home from school, though (and after my mom has already called me in sick), the Principal and Guidance Counselor have showed up AT MY DOOR, and told me to get my things and get ready for school. Then, they TAKE ME TO SCHOOL THEMSELVES.
My mom doesn't do much to stop it because... I don't know why. Because I guess she thinks they're doing the right thing.
What I'm wondering is if there are any actual laws for the state of New York that state whether or not this is allowed.
I'm not deathly ill, but I've almost passed out many times in school from being extremely light-headed.
And as far as my health goes, I stay completely hydrated (I drink sooo much water) and try my best to eat normally and healthily. It's not so bad that I have to go to the emergency room or anything (at least not yet), but yesterday, I almost had to. And they still forced me to go to school. And the nurse refused to send me home because I've apparently missed too many days of school already.
The thing with my attendance, though, is that I'm already not graduating on time. I need to go to summer school for one class, and I'll either receive my diploma in August, or in January. So I don't see why they're forcing me to go if (a) I feel terribly ill ALWAYS, and (b)I'm ALREADY not graduating on time anyways.
I...ugh. Yeah.
My question: Are there any laws for New York State that state whether or not it is allowed for a Principal and Guidance Counselor to show up at a student's door, even when they're sick, and force them to go to school and do all their work, even when there's no point in doing so, because the student is already not graduating on time?
All help is appreciated in advance, thank you.
The Answer
As LM said, you need to get your mom onside. She\'s the only one who can help you here.
The simple answer is yes. I had difficulty finding specifics, but given the ways the laws generally exist, they probably do have the legal authority to do this. All across the states there are laws for compulsory school attendance. Without your mother\'s advocacy in making an exception for you, school employees probably do have a responsibility to make sure you are in school. It doesn't matter if you are set to graduate this year or not. You might be able to discuss that with your mom and your school, but it doesn't mean squat under the compulsory school attendance rules - which are about showing up, not about succeeding.
If your health is suffering so much you can\'t attend school, your mom needs to take you to a doctor, so you can provide the school the appropriate supporting documentation (and ya know, get some help!) or she needs to take other steps to stop them from coming and getting you.
You need to talk this out with her first, and then have a talk with the authorities at your school. If your mother wont let you see a doctor to address these issues properly, then you should tell the guidance counsellor that your parent is denying you medical care, because this is something they might be able to help you with.
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The Question
Im 16. so my ex boyfriend is dating another girl and she believes in no sexual stuff before marriage and he was the one I lost my virginity to when I was 14 and he was 17. i wanted to ruin the relationship so I told her that we had sex. So anyway she got really insecure. I said " I hear you're dating my ex, how do I taste?" Every time they kiss I think it's funny cause his mouth was on my vagina before and how shes getting my leftovers. every time she kissed him my friends said its like her kissing my vagina. Was that mean? do you think it stopped them her from kissing him? i had a boyfriend after him so I have moved on I just want to make my ex mad because he deserves it cause he is my leftovers.
The Answer
Of course it's mean. That's why you did it. That's the only reason you did it. You did it to be mean.
It's the kind of thing a crazy person does.
Maybe it did cause trouble in their relationship. Maybe, they are both strong enough, honest enough and sane enough to shrug off your little texting tantrum. No way for us to know. But I do know this: Everyone who knows what you did thinks you are a crazy person. A vengeful, petty, horrible human being, who might not be entirely mentally healthy.
That's what this behaviour makes you look like. It makes you look awful, and possibly a bit unhinged.
Stop this. It's full of hate and no one deserves what you are doing or what you are saying.
It is hateful to call someone 'leftovers', as though they have less value just because they made the choice to have sex with you. You are slut-shaming him, and insulting yourself by acting like someone who slept with you in the past is now trash.
If he was abusive to you, go talk to a therapist. This isn't the way to deal. If he's just a normal, sometimes screwed up, ex-boyfriend, smarten the fuck up and act like a decent human being. Everyone screws up sometimes, but make this your last some time, because if you keep down this road you might just turn into the awful person you are acting like you are.
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The Question
How many theatres in New York? Any idea!
The Answer
Well, there are currently about 40 theatres that are considered \'Broadway\' Theatres (that number does change, based on renovations and how the theatre is laid out or used) and a few more than 40 theatres that are \'Off-Broadway\' Theatres.
When people are talking about theatre in New York, those theatres are generally the ones they are thinking of: The larger ones that are on Broadway, or the bigger ones nearby.
Of course there are hundreds more theatres in New York. In schools, in basements, in bars, in second story walk ups, in public parks! I\'m just guessing here, but I\'d bet there are easily three or four hundred more venues in which live theatre is preformed in NYC. Some of them may only seat 20 or 30 people, but they certainly exist.
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The Question
My dad is a jerk. My mom had to stay with him while going through medical school because she had us kids. She couldn't leave him bc she had no money and no place to go. I just know that during fights he gets violent and he's rude and doesn't help. Recently there was a brush fire. I was transferred to another middle school, my sister to a different elementary, and other sister (high school) was let go. My dad just left home to go to work when this happened . My mum called and told him to pick us up because my mom had to get things from the house and evacuate. InsteAd he tells her she can do it and continues to work. Bitch. My mom instead calls my friends mom and asks her to pick me up. We meet up at a buffet. In see my group of friends and their moms and dads. The dads were all there for them. When we all were finally allowed back inside the house because they contained the fire, we found out My dad had invited his cousin to come and made my mom cook. When he left the fight started.he kept saying what did you want me to do and zere was nozing( stupid Arab accent) he's soo rude and these things happens. He is stuck in his Arab world. I hate it . Idk if it's my heritage bc all the American dads aren't like this. He never wants to come to my games. He always says he's too tired to do anything. All he wants to do is sleep. I hate it . But then an Arabic family were friends with has an active fun dad. It's messed up . He is stuck in the 18th middle eastern century. I don't want my mom to deal with this bs bc she wants us to have a good childhood . How can we change him? Bibb
The Answer
Assholes exist in all races, cultures and nationalities.
Some cultures may offer more excuses or tolerance for certain kind of asshole-ish behaviour, but someone who really wants to be an asshole will find a way no matter what. Where there are no excuses handy for doing whatever they want, they will make one up.
You probably can\'t change him. He\'ll change on his own, because he\'ll realize he is making everyone miserable, or he wont. Probably wont. Unfortunately, you\'ve got very little control over that.
But maybe you can help change your mom. Maybe you can let her know how much this is negatively affecting you, and let her know that even if her leaving him meant you\'d be worse off financially, that you\'d respect and understand her choice. Let her know that a \'good childhood\' isn\'t always about having mom and dad under the same roof. Sometimes a good childhood is just being safe and loved by the people who are there.
Maybe your mom wont want to hear that from you, but maybe it\'s exactly what she needs to hear, so she can stop feeling guilty and start looking out for her kids and herself in a different way.
Other than that, your best bet is to look to your future, and make plans that will get you out of your father\'s power as quickly as possible.
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The Question
Hello, I'm 18/F and my boyfriend is 21. We've been dating for almost two years now and we are deeply in love with each other. He wants to get me a promise ring but I think it's a bit childish and I want an engagement ring instead. What should I do?
The Answer
You should be gracious, respectful, and talk to him about the future you want together. You should NOT demand an engagement ring. That\'s not okay.
I am sorry to be so harsh, but if you are asking is for a way to toss a lovely gift back in your boyfriend\'s face, and demand a marriage proposal instead... the answer is that is not okay.
It\'s not gracious. It\'s not respectful. It\'s not loving.
If it\'s important to you that there is, at some point, a down on one knee proposal, then talk to him about that. If you want to talk about the next five years, or ten years together, you should absolutely bring up what you want and hope for!
But you don\'t get to be rude and reject a lovely gift, just because you wanted a wedding proposal instead.
Talk to him about the future without making immediate demands, and appreciate what you have together now and the lovely expression of love he gave you.
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The Question
Hi I'm Liv, 15 and I've met this guy named Barry (going 17) on xbox 360 live. And our friendship started when we started chatting on facebook. We've been chatting for a year and 3 months. We are quite far he is in New York while I'm in Hawaii. I never moved Hawaii since then. We planned to meet but my mom won't allow me. He is very nice guy and I'm inlove with him. I know that he likes me too. What should I do with this? Is it wrong to be inlove with someone you don't even see? And I really want to see him.
The Answer
It\'s okay to feel what you feel, but your mother is right: Traveling to New York to meet someone you only know online is not a safe or reasonable thing to do. It would be unwise for an adult women to do that, but it's just lunacy for a fifteen year old to consider it.
He's the older one (and, fairly or not, he is the guy) so if he wants to show your parents he's not out to rape and murder you, he needs to come to Hawaii, rent a hotel room, and spend some time around your mother and your family (not with you by yourself) to prove he's not a crazy person.
You have to stay safe. That's more important than anything else. If he cares for your enough to invest the time and money it takes to prove he's not out to harm you, that's great. If he isn't, then you have to let this go.
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The Question
I have a lot of less used clothes and I don't know how to get rid of them. I told my mom about this and my option is to have a garage sale but I'm afraid no one will buy. Any options?
The Answer
Donating them to a second-hand store is likely your best bet. Lots of churches or community centres will also have boxes for dropping off clothing to donate.
The truth is, unless they are high-end brand name pieces, they aren\'t likely to bring you much money. Depending on your neighbourhood, a garage sale would probably cost about as much to advertise properly as it would bring in.
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The Question
So I've had three sexual partners within my life time so far and not a single one has been able to make me climax yet and it's seriously frustrating! Yes I've tried having him rub and finger me, and even eat me out for a decent amount of time before having sex but nothing has worked :( it's not like I don't feel good because I most definitely do but I've never been able to get close to a climax. Are there any women who have had this issue? I've had orgasms before with a vibrator directly on my clit but that is the only thing that has made a difference. Could I have desensitized myself to sex? I can't keep having sex and not get anywhere it makes it hard for me to enjoy sex anymore. Please anyone who can help or give me tips, it's more then welcomed!?
Also any position suggestions for a women who doesn't like being on top but is tired of missionary...?
Thanks ahead of time :)
The Answer
Hand the boy the vibrator?
The really is the most elegant solution, for for some women, is really is the only solution.
The simple truth is that many, many women cannot reach orgasm from vaginal penetration alone. Contrary to what adivceman suggested, all orgasms are \'clitoral\' in a sense. The clitoral organ system surrounds the entire vagina. Different women find different areas of the organ to be more sensitive (or more easily reached), but in the end, all female orgasms are linked back to the network of nerves in this organ, which is way, way bigger than just what we think of as a the \'clit\'. The idea that there is any difference between a clitoral or vaginal orgasm is very old school - we\'ve known better for quite a while now. It may certainly feel different, but it\'s the same basic physical function.
So don\'t pine over some mythical \'vaginal orgasm\'. If that isn\'t the way in which you are most sensitive and able to reach orgasm, then it\'s just not, and that\'s fine.
Could you have desensitized yourself? Well, not to sex entirely, but you could have fallen into a trap where you\'ve trained your body to only have orgasms under a really particular situation (ie, with a vibrator). If that\'s the case, your best bet is to mess around when you are alone, and not let yourself get off the easy way you know how. Get yourself a bit frustrated could lead to you being able to orgasm in new ways.
Finally, you\'ve got to stop thinking of an orgasm as something your partner \'gives\' you, or something you \'give\' them. It\'s not a gift, it\'s a physical function, and in the end, it\'s up to you to know how to get yourself off, and to find ways to share that with your partner. If that means including a vibrator in your play with your sexual partner, that\'s totally fine.
Overall, orgasms are a very personal. There is one right way to get one. Whatever works, and feels good, and helps you feel most connected with your partner - just do that.
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The Question
I am a female aged 21 and have recently started going out with a guy who regularly calls me a slut, whore, worthless and tells me how he doesn't trust me around any males but yet he tells me he has never loved anyone the way he loves me and he wants to marry me.
Long story short I went out with a guy for 2 years and he broke it off with me as he had been seeing another girl. A month later I had sex with one of my older friends (he knew my ex). A month after that I got back with my boyfriend.
We lasted for a year until I ended it with him for reasons of no trust etc due to what he had done before. About a month later I had sex with the same friend again.
I told my current boyfriend about my past history and he finds it very hard to deal with. He constantly tells me how he can't trust me around anyone. He asks me to send him photos of where I am every half an hour so he knows I'm not lying about my whereabouts.
He sends me messages such as (sorry for the vulgarity in some of these messages):
I bet you looked at his nice hard c*ck and loved it
You f*cked a guy who knew your ex
You wanted him to f*ck you
I find it funny that you aspire to be a mother one day
You really are a dirty sl*t
You used to deserve to get treated better but now you don't
You ruined yourself by f*cking him
Stop saying you're not a sl*t and face up to what you are
You f*cked up and you have to face the consequences
You are a disgraceful human
You are a f*cking whore
You just wanted his c*ck inside you
Do I deserve to get messages like this? I have only had sex or done any sexual activities with my ex, my friend and now my current boyfriend so I always thought I was a very good person.
He also has issues with the amount of guys that I have kissed which is 12. He hates that I have kissed three guys that I met on nights out (separate nights). One I dated for a while but the other two I never spoke to again.
I don't know whether I just hung around with people with no morals but I thought up until now that I was well behaved.
Do I deserve to get treated like this?
The Answer
As others have said, this is just straight up verbal abuse.
Dump this guy, walk away and never look back.
If you have fucked one hundred guys you wouldn\'t deserve this treatment. His behaviour has absolutely nothing to do with your past, and everything to do with his need to shame and bully you.
In a relationship we don\'t always agree with the choices our partner made in the past (or hell, even all of their present choices) but when someone crosses the line and starts using the past as a weapon to beat you with again and again, there is no love there and no respect there. He\'s unlikely to change. Dump him outright.
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The Question
I'm not sure what is the right thing to do. I'll be honest, I know a lot of people don't like my boyfriend. We're both 22. He's difficult, can be very blunt/honest, which seems mean, and he went through a period last couple months when he was depressed; you know how it is to be around people who are depressed. He hasn't exactly been the funnest to be around. He lost a lot of his friends and even my friends know that he wasn't doing well. A couple of times that he was at my friends house he sort of acted antisocial and sat in the corner. They told me this was annoying and created a poor atmosphere and that they miss hanging out with just me. I told them he was having a hard time, and they seemed to understand, told me to talk to him about it. There was also a conversation we had unrelated to him in which they told me that they didn't want me to invited random people to their house unless I asked.
Now about the event, these same friends who are two sisters and one other girl just graduated. Their family of the two sisters who are good friends of mine is in town and the day of their graduation they invited me to a party at their house after, the same day last minute. Since I asked who was going and they said them their family and boyfriends and our other friend I didn't think twice about not going with my boyfriend (since I had already made plans with him before they invited me and felt bad telling him to go home because I had other plans). I talked to him before and he promised he wouldn't act antisocial or badly. Well I live 30 minutes away and it was 10pm at night when they said to come over, I already was tired but I thought these are my good friends, I'll go for them. We started driving and as soon as we got there we were about to walk upstairs and they found out I was with him and told me that they never invited him and they thought I was clear not to bring people over without asking them.
This is true I should have asked, but I honestly thought they were talking about random people not my boyfriend who I do a lot of things with. I knew they felt like he was kind of creating a bad time but I didn't think they didn't want him around. I told them that. And then told them I could turn around if it was a big deal. And they responded "We didn't think we had to spell it out for you, we don't want him here because of what we talked about before and my family is here so you can come but not with him" so I had to turn around and drive back home 30 minutes lost a total of an hour and my feelings are really hurt. I would never do that to someone.
Am I wrong? Were they wrong? I'm not sure how to feel... Yes I understand it is their party and I should have asked, but I can't help but feel really upset that I drove there for them and they told me to leave. I know he's not the most fun person, but he is not an asshole, he is not disrespectful to other people. He is just quiet and doesn't talk that much because he is not that happy in his life. He doesn't want to be this way. He has made progress and he is afraid of ending up alone because people don't like him. He just has a hard time with relationships, but he is a good person. I feel like I am losing my friends because of this, it is really frustrating and I'm not sure how I should respond to what my friends did. Talk to them, don't talk to them, what is the best thing to say to them, should I let them know in upset and what is the best way to handle this? I could really use an outsiders advice on what seems right....
The Answer
You can be upset, and you can choose not to be their friends anymore, but you also have to offer them a bit more understanding and respect than you have. A lot of friends would just drop someone who brought her unpleasant boyfriend everywhere with her - they paid you the respect of being honest about the kind of ongoing friendship they desired - and you continued to ignore their wishes.
He wasn\'t invited, and you set a pattern of inviting him when he wasn\'t welcome. It\'s not like it was one event and they flipped out at you. They shared their feelings honestly, that they would like to see just you sometimes, a common desire for friends and one that has to be respected to keep friendships healthy.
It\'s great that you know he\'s a nice person, but if he isn\'t behaving nicely right now, if his behaviour is mean or cold, you can\'t blame other people for reacting to his behaviour. They can\'t know him like you do, and you can\'t demand that they do.
The truth is, you are all wrong. Your boyfriend is wrong for agreeing to come with you if when he feels he can\'t be respectful or kind to his hosts. You are wrong for bringing him when he wasn\'t invited, especially after you were expressly asked not to bring additional people. They were wrong to have sent him packing when you brought him along anyways.
It\'s okay to be hurt, but if you want these friendships to continue and be strong and respectful, you are going to have to find some middle ground with them.
If you want to support your boyfriend, encourage him to spend time with the people in his life who, like you, know that he\'s a nice guy despite his current hardships. When he\'s having a good day, invite a friend or two of yours to spend time with you as a couple and get to know him better, rather than exposing him to a large group at once. You\'re friends don\'t have a lot of power in this situation to make things go more smoothly - by bringing him alone unannounced you are asking them to put up and shut up - but if you and your boyfriend host smaller groups from time to time, you might be able to show them the guy he actually is and help give him friends and advocates at larger gatherings.
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The Question
Female/16
My boyfriend (also 16) teases me tonnes, to him it's hilarious - anything that winds me up is hilarious to him - but to me, it's irritating and well, I cannot stand it anymore.
We've been together a few months and were seeing eachother for about six months pier to going out officially.
For example, when getting intimate and say I move him on top of myself, he says 'Alright, Claire!' - Claire is a friend of mine, she tends to sleep around and in his eyes is not attractive at all, he also hates her - this really, really irritates me, for obvious reasons, and I just really wish he'd stop it. As for one it completely ruins the mood and it's almost like he's thinking of someone else (even though I know he doesn't like her.)
I've tried telling him to stop, but he wont as he thinks it's really funny.
How can I help to stop this? Any help will be much appreciated and sorry for it being fairly long.
Thank you.
The Answer
Stop using words like 'irritating' and start using words like 'deeply hurtful', 'demeaning' and 'unloving', and asking him why he thinks it's so very funny to cause you pain? Especially at intimate moments.
He can argue that no, it's really IS funny! But it's much harder to argue that no, you aren't really hurt by it. You may not get the final say on whether a joke is really stupid (this one is) but you get the final say on how you experience his behaviour - and this behaviour show utter disrespect for you.
You aren't being overly sensitive - from the sound of this question you are actually being a bit too soft and unclear with him. He's being deliberately cruel, and he needs to stop that. Telling that sort of unfunny joke is kind of stupid once, but by the fiftieth time, he's just being a deliberately vindictive bully who is taking pleasure in your pain.
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