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Do I have a right to be upset at my friends?
I'm not sure what is the right thing to do. I'll be honest, I know a lot of people don't like my boyfriend. We're both 22. He's difficult, can be very blunt/honest, which seems mean, and he went through a period last couple months when he was depressed; you know how it is to be around people who are depressed. He hasn't exactly been the funnest to be around. He lost a lot of his friends and even my friends know that he wasn't doing well. A couple of times that he was at my friends house he sort of acted antisocial and sat in the corner. They told me this was annoying and created a poor atmosphere and that they miss hanging out with just me. I told them he was having a hard time, and they seemed to understand, told me to talk to him about it. There was also a conversation we had unrelated to him in which they told me that they didn't want me to invited random people to their house unless I asked.
Now about the event, these same friends who are two sisters and one other girl just graduated. Their family of the two sisters who are good friends of mine is in town and the day of their graduation they invited me to a party at their house after, the same day last minute. Since I asked who was going and they said them their family and boyfriends and our other friend I didn't think twice about not going with my boyfriend (since I had already made plans with him before they invited me and felt bad telling him to go home because I had other plans). I talked to him before and he promised he wouldn't act antisocial or badly. Well I live 30 minutes away and it was 10pm at night when they said to come over, I already was tired but I thought these are my good friends, I'll go for them. We started driving and as soon as we got there we were about to walk upstairs and they found out I was with him and told me that they never invited him and they thought I was clear not to bring people over without asking them.
This is true I should have asked, but I honestly thought they were talking about random people not my boyfriend who I do a lot of things with. I knew they felt like he was kind of creating a bad time but I didn't think they didn't want him around. I told them that. And then told them I could turn around if it was a big deal. And they responded "We didn't think we had to spell it out for you, we don't want him here because of what we talked about before and my family is here so you can come but not with him" so I had to turn around and drive back home 30 minutes lost a total of an hour and my feelings are really hurt. I would never do that to someone.
Am I wrong? Were they wrong? I'm not sure how to feel... Yes I understand it is their party and I should have asked, but I can't help but feel really upset that I drove there for them and they told me to leave. I know he's not the most fun person, but he is not an asshole, he is not disrespectful to other people. He is just quiet and doesn't talk that much because he is not that happy in his life. He doesn't want to be this way. He has made progress and he is afraid of ending up alone because people don't like him. He just has a hard time with relationships, but he is a good person. I feel like I am losing my friends because of this, it is really frustrating and I'm not sure how I should respond to what my friends did. Talk to them, don't talk to them, what is the best thing to say to them, should I let them know in upset and what is the best way to handle this? I could really use an outsiders advice on what seems right....
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
mmmMMm ive had this happen to me by other friends and ive been on both sides of this situation.
Firstly, if your a friend who doesnt like you friends boyfriend, its totally understandable that they wouldnt want him around while hes going through the things hes going through right now.
Secondly, if their used to hanging out with JUST YOU, and now youve made your whole life about your man to the point where you wont go anywhere/do anything without him, your friends around going to be annoyed even MORE and then just not want either of you around. From your side, your "sure" hes a good person but if you havnt introduced him and brought him into the picture with your FRIENDS in a smoothe way, they may just not be in love with him right away like you are. try to be patient with them.
And lastly, it DOES sound like they tried to say in a NICE way before the incident that they did love him right now and didnt want him around, it sounds like you maybe just didnt pick up on the hint, and maybe you could have asked them if you could bring him before you came over to their place so they would have a chance to say no before anyone got hurt or turned away at the door so to speak. That only leads to more hurtful feelings and burning of bridges between people. Try to remember that they dont know him like you do, but that doesnt make them bad people. Like the poster above said, their just reacting to how HES acting in public around others. if they feel he doesnt act right then OF COURSE their gonna say "dont bring him!"
bottom line, try not to wrap your life up around your man because you may start missing out on things like your friends giving you subtle hints like this because your too focused on being in tune with him and not enough on your friends as well. There your life, his life, and then theres your lives TOGETHER ok. you had friends and people in your life BEFORE him that you treasured, and im sure he has had them too, he may just not be as expressive about it. The people that care about you will be there while your with him and after hes gone as well, so try to create a happy balance with it comes to friendships and relationships. in the end thats what its really all about. ; )
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You can be upset, and you can choose not to be their friends anymore, but you also have to offer them a bit more understanding and respect than you have. A lot of friends would just drop someone who brought her unpleasant boyfriend everywhere with her - they paid you the respect of being honest about the kind of ongoing friendship they desired - and you continued to ignore their wishes.
He wasn't invited, and you set a pattern of inviting him when he wasn't welcome. It's not like it was one event and they flipped out at you. They shared their feelings honestly, that they would like to see just you sometimes, a common desire for friends and one that has to be respected to keep friendships healthy.
It's great that you know he's a nice person, but if he isn't behaving nicely right now, if his behaviour is mean or cold, you can't blame other people for reacting to his behaviour. They can't know him like you do, and you can't demand that they do.
The truth is, you are all wrong. Your boyfriend is wrong for agreeing to come with you if when he feels he can't be respectful or kind to his hosts. You are wrong for bringing him when he wasn't invited, especially after you were expressly asked not to bring additional people. They were wrong to have sent him packing when you brought him along anyways.
It's okay to be hurt, but if you want these friendships to continue and be strong and respectful, you are going to have to find some middle ground with them.
If you want to support your boyfriend, encourage him to spend time with the people in his life who, like you, know that he's a nice guy despite his current hardships. When he's having a good day, invite a friend or two of yours to spend time with you as a couple and get to know him better, rather than exposing him to a large group at once. You're friends don't have a lot of power in this situation to make things go more smoothly - by bringing him alone unannounced you are asking them to put up and shut up - but if you and your boyfriend host smaller groups from time to time, you might be able to show them the guy he actually is and help give him friends and advocates at larger gatherings.
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I want to applaud you in doing your best to help your boyfriend with a tough time. I know it can't be easy, but you are doing your best. I'm sure he loves you for it. I don't think you're in the wrong here. Your intentions were good. You wanted to party with your friends and when they said that their boyfriends would be there you assumed you could bring your's. Of course you could have asked, but it happens. You probably were excited to hang out and have fun; it happens. You have a right to feel hurt though because you were trying your best.
I would say that you should try to plan get togethers that allow you to hang out with your boyfriend and different friends (not the two sisters and one other girl just graduated) separately. I think your friends could have handled the situation better, but let's give them the benefit of the doubt, since I don't know them. You should enjoy time with your boyfriend and hang out with other people with your boyfriend so he can build new friendships. If you only hang out with just him, then he'll feel lonely when you're not with him. It would be best to help him build new relationships so that he can be happier. Then when your friends ask you some place without your boyfriend you won't feel bad leaving him behind. And who knows maybe over time when your boyfriend starts feeling better your friends won't mind him joining from time to time. However, if they continue to be rude, maybe you will have to decide if they're worth keeping? (Let's hold off on that for now).
I hope that helps! Good luck!
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