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Bad dad: My Dad is a jerk.
My dad is a jerk. My mom had to stay with him while going through medical school because she had us kids. She couldn't leave him bc she had no money and no place to go. I just know that during fights he gets violent and he's rude and doesn't help. Recently there was a brush fire. I was transferred to another middle school, my sister to a different elementary, and other sister (high school) was let go. My dad just left home to go to work when this happened . My mum called and told him to pick us up because my mom had to get things from the house and evacuate. InsteAd he tells her she can do it and continues to work. Bitch. My mom instead calls my friends mom and asks her to pick me up. We meet up at a buffet. In see my group of friends and their moms and dads. The dads were all there for them. When we all were finally allowed back inside the house because they contained the fire, we found out My dad had invited his cousin to come and made my mom cook. When he left the fight started.he kept saying what did you want me to do and zere was nozing( stupid Arab accent) he's soo rude and these things happens. He is stuck in his Arab world. I hate it . Idk if it's my heritage bc all the American dads aren't like this. He never wants to come to my games. He always says he's too tired to do anything. All he wants to do is sleep. I hate it . But then an Arabic family were friends with has an active fun dad. It's messed up . He is stuck in the 18th middle eastern century. I don't want my mom to deal with this bs bc she wants us to have a good childhood . How can we change him? Bibb
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I'm so sorry you have to go through this you don't deserve it. unfortunately I don't think there's much you can do you can going to have how he is hurting you and how you feel about his actions you can also tell him how you feel watching other fathers interact with their children and explain how you'd like him more involved. You should also explain all of this to your mom. She is the parent and although very difficult she is responsible for your safety as well as her own. If your father refuses to make changes it's time your mom think about her children first and find a safe and happy home for you. I know it's hard extremely hard in these situations but it's time she be strong and face the problems.Perhaps if you tell her how you feel that will be just what she needs to motivate her to make changes. She might be dealing with the hurt thinking that if she leaves you will be hurt or angry with her. I'm sure she loves you so maybe now you two can come together and work as a team to demand he change or move away. Who cares where he's from or what life was like for him long ago. He's not a child hood time is up to do for himself. Times have changed and life is different now. He can't use any of that as an excuse to intimidate or abuse his family. Please be strong and be careful. You know his ways so please don't put yourself in a situation where he may harm you. If you think confronting him yourself may cause him to get angry and hurt you then talk with your mom and stress to her the importance making changes are for both you and her. Remember you are so special and incredibly important. You don't deserve this. No matter how hard life may be I promise things will be better one day. One day you will be able to make your own choices and have your own family. I just know you'll be a wonderful spouse and or parent. Just be strong and don't give up.
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Assholes exist in all races, cultures and nationalities.
Some cultures may offer more excuses or tolerance for certain kind of asshole-ish behaviour, but someone who really wants to be an asshole will find a way no matter what. Where there are no excuses handy for doing whatever they want, they will make one up.
You probably can't change him. He'll change on his own, because he'll realize he is making everyone miserable, or he wont. Probably wont. Unfortunately, you've got very little control over that.
But maybe you can help change your mom. Maybe you can let her know how much this is negatively affecting you, and let her know that even if her leaving him meant you'd be worse off financially, that you'd respect and understand her choice. Let her know that a 'good childhood' isn't always about having mom and dad under the same roof. Sometimes a good childhood is just being safe and loved by the people who are there.
Maybe your mom wont want to hear that from you, but maybe it's exactly what she needs to hear, so she can stop feeling guilty and start looking out for her kids and herself in a different way.
Other than that, your best bet is to look to your future, and make plans that will get you out of your father's power as quickly as possible.
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If your dad was raised in a different culture, it may be that he got his views and ideas of how a relationship, or family should function, from there.
I have an ex, born and raised in the U.S.A, and he's caucasion. He was verbally abusive and the fire story sounded like something my ex did, it always fell to me to pull the impossible together without any help from him ever. Only near the end did he start the pushing and shoving which could have gotten worse, it was verbal abuse and an imbalance of the amount of work and effort that went into making the relationship limp along. I put in almost all and he very little. So I know what you and mom are dealing with.
Same problem for me, I couldn't leave because I had 3 kids, and could not earn enough to survive on my own. So I stayed and now regret it due to the affects it had on all my kids. As adults, they now suffer emotional issues of their own they deal with because of who they had for a dad. I think I should have tried harder to get away. However it would have been harder to find someone who would me and all the kids in and provide a room so we could get away. Once the kids were out on their own, I finally left and lived with two families who helped me during the initial year or two. It took swallowing my pride and telling everyone I worked with, any friends i had, that he was an abusive husband and I wanted to get away. Could I live in a spare bedroom or in their basement? I would take almost anything to get away. Some friends far away said I could come live with them so I did. I don't know how hard your mom has looked but I can tell you there are no agencys set up to help women in this situation. They can help a little if theres physical abusive, beating that leaves marks but verbal abuse and choosing to not lift a finger and expect the wife to be maid, butler, go-fer, cook, hair cutter, tailor, sex source and whatever else you can think of, these agencys are not set up to deal with that. I had looked and looked. Its a sad situation but unless someone makes their situation known to all and someone takes them in, a woman and her kids are pretty much stuck.A man like your dad will get his due lot in life from his actions or inactions. He will like my ex end up driving his kids away from him, none having any respect or love for him. They may care about him like their care about a neighbor but no deep love....he killed that with how he treated us all. The few occasions they see him, they limit their time visiting cus they find they can't take more than 20 30 minutes before they must leave or find themselves robbed of their peace.
The man i speak of began attending counseling for a while. I got a chance to hear the counselors opinion, the mental problems he had I was told are ones that can take a lifetime for a person to change just one little aspect of. To expect a greatly improved man is just not going to happen. Most normal well adjusted people even change very slowly during their life for the better. A Man with his messed up mental ways I was told may never change.
So in answer to what can you do to change him, really....there's nothing. Change in a person must come from within. Nothing anyone says or does will cause a person to change unless they want to. And thats why very few counselors have great success with a good majority of their patients. I told you my story so you can see that a situation like this is difficult for all woman to get out of, with or without children, just harder with children. Please understand why mom is with him right now. She needs your love and support instead of blame for your home life. She is as much a victim and hurting as you and your siblings. It's precious stuff that you have to grow up without, stuff other friends have and take for granted in how their dads treat the family. It's not fair but life isn't always fair.
I wish you inner strength to stand strong and not let his actions or inactions, affect your natural sweet personality and change you in any way for the worse, or to rob you of hope for better future someday without him. I would also caution not to consider burning bridges behind you totally either. If 20-30 years from now, the father has a spiritual awakening and comes to his senses and you can tell he is truly repentant and changed, then don't reject him, work through your hurt and resentments and take whatever relationship opportunity you are being given, even if it doesnt quite feel like a father daughter relationship because he never really was a dad.
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