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Stuck between feuding family members
What would you do in this situation? Both my husband and my brother go on long-term vendettas--some for life whereby they will never speak to someone again. Their vendettas are over things I do not consider to be terribly serious. I dislike confrontation and strive to avoid it and now find myself stuck. My brother gets offended easily, is mad at me over something that I consider minor and has cut me off. I apologized in an email for anything hurtful that may have happened but he never replied. He is executor of our parents' estate and has a fiduciary duty to finalize things but has gone quiet and not finalized the estate 3 weeks ago when he had said he would (before the falling out). If I mention this to my husband, he will want to end relations with my brother. So in a sense, I am acting as a buffer between the two. It's eating away at me. On the one hand, I feel I should let my husband know that my brother is on a vendetta and hasn't finalized our parents' estate; on the other hand, if I tell my husband this, I know he will never forgive my brother and it will be the end of our family relationship.
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You husband and your brother are both adults(even if they choose not to act like it all the time)that being said there is really nothing you can do to control their behavior. You have already done the right thing and apologized to your brother so I would treat it just like any other child throwing a tantrum, walk away and ignore it! Your brother is bound by law to finalize the estate and if he refuses to do so then get an attorney. I would never cater to this sort of juvenile behavior. You can always bet when someone behaves this way they are getting some sort of payoff from it. In your brothers case I am guessing that control is the issue and watching you squirm is the payoff! As long as he can push your buttons like this he will. In all honesty your husband should just step back and let this drama between you and your brother play out. Sibling relationships are complicated at best but you need to try to get on an equal footing with your brother and stop letting him bully you with his childish behavior. I would try to explain to your hubby that there is some friction between you and your brother right now and you would appreciate it very much if he would just step back and let you handle the situation as two adults. Good luck!
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Tell your husband what has happened, and then tell him you expect him to control himself and not add additional misery and stress to your life, while you are doing the difficult task of dealing with your brother.
Your brother you are stuck with. He'll always be in your life to some extent and maybe he is a crazy, miserable, vindictive person, but he's your brother and right now he owes you money, so you must have some of contact with him.
Your husband - he's supposed to be your partner. He's supposed to be in this with you. If he is adding a large amount of extra stress or unhappiness to your life, due to his inability to behave himself, that's the sort of thing you can fairly ask him, and expect him, to work on and cut out.
Your husband can be angry, or upset, but he doesn't get to make the final decision about your relationship with you brother. You do. Your husband can only make those sorts of decisions for you, if you allow him too, and you probably shouldn't give him that sort of power over your life if you know he has a vindictive nature and a habit of holding a grudge.
You don't need to be a buffer here. You don't have to stand up for either of these men, but you do need to stand up for yourself.
You need to tell your husband what your expectations are. You shouldn't need to hold things back from him out of fear. He should be able to behave himself even when upset with others. You don't need to demand he not be unhappy when someone does something wrong, but you do have to hold him to the expectation that he be reasonable and respectful of your family - even if a family member is being a real jerk.
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Being in the middle between two hot headed people who hold a grudge, wow. I don't envy your position; unfortunately you do have to pick a side so to speak. At the moment, based on what you have written, your brother is in the wrong for one specific reason and for a moral family reason.
The specific reason is the estate. Which is also the reason why you need to take a side and tell your husband then deal with the consequences afterwards. I recently went through something similar. My brother in-law was settling his Aunt's estate. No problems between us other than my brother in-law is the original absent minded professors with a PHD in Nuclear Physics. He gets so involved in his work that nothing else matters.
That's all fine and good until it affected me and my finances because of the inheritance laws in my state. By not settling the estate in a timely fashion and sharing the information with me I could not report my wife's share of the estate and could have been forced to pay taxes on the estimate value of the entire estate; something I could not afford to do.
It is for this reason whether you want to or not that you must discuss this with your husband. If your brother is withholding this information out of spite there can be adverse financial repercussions for you and your husband depending on the tax laws in your state.
Now the moral reason. Your parents are gone now there is just you, your brother and any other siblings you may have. Life is to short to have feuds, vendettas or what have you between siblings. By this point in our lives when our parents are gone it is hoped we are all adults and can act as adults. For when all is said and done the only real thing we have is each other.
I don't have any magic words to give you to settle this problem. If your brother will not share the estate information with you there is regress under the law though that will only further inflame the situation.
The only thing I can suggest to possibly help and take you out of the middle is family counseling. Possibly with the help of his wife or significant other you can get him to join you and then your spouses in counseling to resolve these issues and their problems with vendettas and feuds. Placing a disinterested third party between the 3 or 4 adults in this situation is the best way I can see to take you out of the middle.
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So the vendetta is basically what your brother have against your husband? maybe your using the word wrong but if its not being used wrongly then you should tell your husband about it because if he finds out on his own he will most likely think you betrayed him because you knew all along and you failed to speak up. If that is to hard make it seem like its something you have to fix tell him you will handle the situation and that you dont want feuding to go on between the two. hopefully this will help you a little if not maybe i read your question wrong
sorry but wish the best
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