(Ask A Question.) (Feedback.) (Discussion Board.) (Make Razhie A Favourite.) (Advicenators.)
Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
Favourite Collumnists.
(WittyUsernameHere.) (karenR.) (NinjaNeer.) (rainbowcherrie.) (DangerNerd.)
The Question
Me and my boyfriend were fooling about 2 or 3 weeks ago and yes we had sex and instead of using a condom he pulled out quite a while before. He used a wipe and got rid of it but is it possible for there to be any sperm left anywhere on or in the penis, becuase after we were still pretty caught up in it all and went for round two. Im just worrying that there could of been some sperm left that we didn't know about.?
He told me that sperm dies once it hits oxygen but I have read otherwise and im just looking for some advice.
The Answer
Sperm does not die when it hits air. That's a myth, and frankly, I'd avoid sleeping with someone who believes something that stupid. Who knows what other crazy things he might think about sex?!
Sperm can survive for several minutes outside of the body, even longer in a lab setting. Good warm water and soap kills it pretty effectively, but not oxygen. It is also possible (although unlikely) for a women to get pregnant from the few sperm that can be released even before a man ejaculates, so pulling out before he orgasms is also not a safe way to avoid pregnancy.
You shouldn't loose any sleep over it - it's exceedingly unlikely you'd get pregnant in this way. Just don't take these sorts of risks again. And for goodness sake insist your boyfriend educate himself better about how the human body actually works. He's not a safe person to have sex with if he chooses to stay ignorant and believe in myths.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
My brother’s dog has gotten lose and I was ordered to go to court and pay fees since I was the only adult home at the time. The man from animal control was there as a witness with the people who filed the complaint. I overheard him giving the complaints legal advice in the hall, which I thought was unfair. Every time I asked him a question he would not answer me or claims he didn’t know anything. Every time I’m alone with him he is very rude and talks down to me and ignore me when others are around. I think he might be biased since I am of a different race but I don’t know if it’s true or not. I have noticed him being more helpful to others, white people like him, except me and my mother who were being sued.
I have been diagnosed with Idiopathic intracranial hypertension. It’s a neurological disorder caused by a buildup of fluid in the back of my brain. There is no cure, only treatments. The pressure from the fluid has caused my optic nerves to swell, the nerve connecting my eyes to my brain. I already have a negative 5 vision, which I was told is bad, and my sight had worsen. I would black out every now and then. I cannot see very well in both eyes even with glasses and suffer severe migraines. I would be bedridden for a whole day and unable to function. I didn’t tell the court that b/c I didn’t want other’s sympathy. I am hopping my vision returns to normal after some treatment. I am actively searching for employment to pay for hospital bills. I don’t want the disability on my record. The only people who know are my immediate family and school teachers. I had to leave school b/c I could not read the books. I am doing better now because of the treatments and my sight has improved. I stopped blacking out. I just paid the court fees b/c I thought there was no way around it as the animal control man has told me. My little brother was supposed to watch the dog. He’s 17 and I didn’t want him to get in trouble. Should I have told the court and animal control man I was visually impaired? There is a 50/50 chance of me going permanently blind? Would it have helped me in any way?
The Answer
I doubt it very much. It would only make you seem even less capable of carrying for the dog in the way it needs.
Honestly, the dog catcher is probably baised agianst people whoes dogs get loose. He is there to see the rules enforced and people and dogs kept safe. If your dog keeps getting out, he's simply not going to be your biggest fan. He's also not your legal counsel. I doubt he has a responsibility to answer your questions during a court hearing.
Maybe he is also a racist, or maybe he just takes his job seriously and is ticked off to see your family getting fined a second time for a similar issue.
If people in your home can't care properly for this dog - for whatever reason - then maybe you need to look into a different situation for this dog. Remember: if the very worst happens, you and your mom may get sued, but this poor dog could be put to death. The dog deserves better than that.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Hi. So I want to be a singer, and I'm 13 years old. I thought that the best way to acheive that goal was to make a record deal. I want to make a demo and send to a record label. I have 2 questions:
1. Can I make a record deal at 13 years young?
2. Can you give me some websites of record labels near Chicago. Possible somewhere in Vernon Hills, Illinois.
Thanks. (:
The Answer
You are putting the cart before the horse hun. Record deals don't come first. First comes the music, the tracks, singles and EPs, and usually a lot of live performances too.
Record labels don't sweep in and pick people up just 'cause they can sing. They want a proven track record of talent, performance skills and stick-to-it-ness. You've got to be already doing it, before they will help you out. Even artists who get signed to a record label, don't necessarily get a 'recording deal' or get paid by the label. They still pay out of pocket for all their own stuff and do most of their own promotion. Often the only thing a newly 'signed' artist gets is access to the labels distribution network.
Sure, you can sign at 13 (or more pointedly, your parents can sign on your behalf) but no one is going to make you an offer until you've already proven you can produce tracks and sell out small venues on your own.
If you are a song writer, you need to go on writing, and collaborating with others, to create tracks. If you don't write, you can buy tracks or do covers. There are professionals out there, even companies, who you can pay to help you create your first recordings or videos, but labels are going to be interested in you until you have something to show them.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I am a teenager. I've suffered with Anxiety, Depression, and Depersonalization for the past few years and have decided it's time to fix it. I can't live like this. The doctors want me to go on Zoloft, but I'm scared that there will be side effects or something. I rejected medication a couple years back, and I sort of regret it. I want to get better, but I don't want to have any hallucinations or for it to get worse. Any advice? What do you think I should do?
The Answer
Give 'em a shot.
Medication isn't the right tool for everyone (and not every medication is the right choice for every person), but they are a great tool, a proven tool, and one that can make a huge difference in your life.
I, for one, know I wouldn't have gotten better without medication. It helped me see my way back to normal, when no amount of kind explanations or self-control was going to get me there. I wasn't on Zoloft, and I did experience some side effects, but by keeping my doctor informed we worked together until we found the right medication and dosage. It's hard work, but it's worth it.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
21/f
I've been dating a guy for three months. We've also only known each other for three and a half months. I don't know anything about him "under the surface." I don't know how he generally is, personality wise. I only know about what he does for a living, what he likes to eat, etc. Nothing that I can actually really connect with. In other words, we don't have many deep conversations.
Since we've been dating, we have not discussed whether or not we were exclusive. We were both aware that we would not be happy if one of us were seeing other people other than each other. Here's the thing, we met online. Ever since I met him, I stopped going onto my profile but he was still on it. Recently, I noticed that he has been getting on it more frequently. Speaking about it has gotten us nowhere. He just mentioned that he has been chatting with a few people but he has not been seeing them.
I will admit that I have brought in some of my trust issues from my previous relationships just because they have turned out terribly due to trust. I have been doing what is called "mirroring", whatever he does, I do. If he texts me, I text him. If he calls, I call him. He went on his dating profile, I go on my dating profile. Whenever he finds out that someone has been chatting with me, his mood changes and he becomes quiet. I sometimes notice that he would glance at my phone whenever I'm on it next to him. I'll admit, I do the same thing sometimes.
Other than the fact that he's been getting on his dating profile more often, he has not given me any reason not to trust him. He has not lied, he has been completely honest with me, he talks to me everyday, and he tells me about what he did that day. What could be wrong?
I can't help but be insecure or suspicious of him seeing someone else. I think of the worst scenario and it drives me crazy. I'm worried when I shouldn't be worried. Help?
The Answer
Do you want to be in an exclusive relationship with this guy?
Frankly, after three months, you should be able to answer that question. Three months may not be a really, really long time, but it's long enough to decide if you want to be dating other people or focusing on this relationship.
If you want to be in an exclusive relationship with this guy, SPEAK UP. That is where all your problems are stemming from: Neither of you know what is allowed and what isn't, because you haven't set clear boundaries. You've created a situation where it is virtually impossible to build trust, because neither of you know what it is your are supposed to trust the other person to do or not do! This isn't 'taking it slow'. This is killing it with confusion. By refusing to define what this relationship is, you are turning into a non-relationship.
You are both creating this situation, and it s going to lead to more distrust and more hurt feelings unless you stop it. Stop mirroring him, stop agonizing over what he *might* be thinking and decide what sort of relationship you want with him, and ask if he's interested in that. If he's not, cry it out and move on. At least you'll know, and you can stop wasting your time.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
When I was 15 years old I dated a 16 year old boy for about only 6 months. He was very controling, had anger issues with many people, was a rebel, fighter, robber, and "wannabe" gang member. He was always nice to me though. Did a lot for me, but also made me do many things I did not want to do as a highschool freshman like sneak from home at night and turn into a rebel also. After those few months I started to have many problems with my family and people I did not know. (Many school fights and school discipline also). So I decided to end the relationship. This boy did not want our relationship to end even though he had another girlfriend which I didn't know about until after. He started to follow me EVERYWHERE... Would not leave me alone and I started to get scared. Many he would not leave my personal space and would grab me, causing me to fight back and leading fights into bloody fights. My best friend has witnessed many and I went to court, got a restraining oder against this boy, but I feel like not much was done because we were both minors.
Now I am 18 years old and 7 months pregnant. He is about 19 or 20. Unfortunately we live in the same area but different neighborhoods. Basically like 10 minutes away I'm car and he knows where I live. The very last time we saw each other at the mall and he gave me a very strong uncomfortable look, but did not say anything and I left (with my boyfriend) immediately to avoid problems from my ex. I have him blocked on the social network, Facebook, but he made a new account to look at my page and send me a message with strong language calling me a "b*tch" and to "shut the f*ck up" and mind my own business. I honestly have not spoken to anyone about him except for his ex girlfriend or current girlfriend (I don't know) because she blocked me after she asked me for help because she also had an abusive relationship with him and thought I would understand her situation. I did not find out what happened at the end of their courts, she even showed me the paper work, but it must of been something minor since he still harrased me on Facebook. She also told me he always threatened me and still had plans for having me and my family pay for what we did, which was only report him to the police when he hit me. I don't understand why she asked for my help and then blocked me, or why he made another Facebook to keep looking at my profile. I wonder
I am scared because I am holding my child and I am sure he is aware of it since we know many of the same people. But I don't think the police will say much because he did not directly threaten me, What should I do? Leave things alone and worry about my pregnancy? Or go and maybe even have to face him I'm court again and have him be even more mad after nothing is done about him? I feel like it will be a risk.:(
The Answer
Unfortunately, its unlikely you can get the police involved because you heard from someone else that he is still holding a grudge. Rumours are not enough to go on.
You don't mention if your restraining order is still current, but if it is, and his contact with you on Facebook violated it, then you should absolutely report that. At this point, you should report absolutely anything he does that is in violation of your restraining order. No second chances and no mercy. Even if your restraining order has lapsed you may still want to contact the police, or a charity working with victims of abuse, and ask if his nasty Facebook message might be enough to get you another one. It's unlikely, but it might worth investigating.
Just keep him blocked. He probably only reached out because his girlfriend went to you for help. It's awful that he has moved on to another victim, but after several years without contact, it does seem that he has moved on. By all means look into your options and take some persuasions, but try not to loose any sleep over this.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Someone told my mom that they think I may be autistic, but she doesn't think I am. Some kids I know are in special ed because they're autistic. What does this mean?
The Answer
The autism spectrum describes a large range of neurodevelopmental disorders. Basically, it's a way in which the brains develops and behaves that is very differently than it typically would.
The reason it's called a 'spectrum' is because it can look very, very different for each different person. Some people with autism cannot speak, and struggle to communicate with other people for their entire lives. They need permanent support and cannot live safely alone. Other people never even know they have autism, and learn to cope with or even benefit from, the quirks and differences that their brain has. There are also tons of other people between those two points - who maybe need extra help, but can cope well enough, or those who really don't need much help with schoolwork, but struggle with their situation in other ways, often with interpersonal skills.
Are you on the autism spectrum? Probably not. Way too many people throw out 'Autistic' to describe anything they see in a young person that they think is 'not normal'. There are a ton of other reasons to be shy, or confused, or excited or smart, then having autism. I'd be more likely to trust your mom on this, then some busy-body stranger trying to diagnose you. However, it is possible you have autism. Some people do and it's just never a big deal for them. If you are struggling in school or with social skills, it might be good to talk to someone about your struggles and see if there might be something behind them - something like autism - but there is no real reason to assume it is autism unless someone with the education and expertise to make that diagnosis talks to you about. It's also not that big a deal if you do have autism - it's just something that can be good to know, because it can help you figure what works for you and what doesn't a bit quicker.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Dont you think doctors (eye) etc look for things that were there forever
Dont you think doctors (eye, etc) look for things that were there forever
A month ago I went to my eye doctor (a new one in the same group - but closer to my home). Besides the usual eye examine she took an X-ray of the inside of my eye and showed me two white dots on my eye, but told me to come back in a year.
I have a feeling I have had those two white dots forever. So do you think the doctors overreact to certain things
The Answer
I think doctors are doctors, and pay attention to the things they have been trained to pay attention to. You should respect that and listen to them.
Often doctors will tell you something, not because it's a big problem, or because it's a serious issue, but just because it's your body and they want you to know what is going on.
Listen to them. Ask questions if you don't understand, but do listen to what they say. If you don't trust the individual doctor you are speaking too, then go find another, but if you don't trust ANY doctors, then you have a trust problem you need to work on.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I'm almost 20 and when I was 18 I tried an online sugar baby/daddy site that I paid $26/month for about 3 months.I wound up getting a lot of messages but I didn't get very far into anything because at the time I still lived with my Mom and was too shy to follow through or even drive around the city let alone to another city to meet some stranger.
I'm in a failing relationship now and I think I'm just done with it for a while.
I'd like to try my hand at becoming a sugar baby.
The thing is I'm not this silly whorish teen, I'm very intellectual so I'm not the bubbly idiot type it seems like men look for. I've also only ever had sex with one guy who knows nothing beyond the basics and I'm not really comfortable with having sex with a stranger on the first night and that seems to be prevalent in the stories I'm reading from sugar babies.
I'm also worried because I could never tell any of my religious family what I was doing and all of my friends live out of town now. I don't want to go out with some guy and vanish forever and have nobody notice until I'm already dead...
Other than my obvious fears I think it sounds like something I would like to try out because I'd really like the cultural experiences that come with traveling and going out to events that I otherwise would never be invited too. I'm not going to lie I'd also really love to own something that was real gold and a few pairs of designer shoes.
I work really hard right now (full time) and cover all of my own bills and have an apartment, car, ect so I have a great work ethic but I'm still not making the amount of money I'd like to have and I'll honestly never be able to afford real education as I don't qualify for much financial aid being a middle class white woman and all my money goes to my bills. I also don't fancy an 80k education loan that will shadow me my whole life.
I've been working since I was 16 and I'd really like a break and I'd like to chance to live it up while I'm young. I don't want to wait until I'm 80 to have a little fun I want it now and I'm tired of working endlessly for little pay off and the stories I'm reading those girls get 8k a month which something I couldn't even fathom just for going out for a few nights with some guy and being pretty arm candy. I could do that. I know it sounds superficial but come on it's easy work right? I would never tell anybody either so nobody would know me as a whore or any such thing.
I'd really like to at least give it another go but what are some things I really need to think about before trying it?
The Answer
You need to accept that it's fundamentally not safe form of employment, and that it is sex work.
Sugar Daddies aren't boyfriends. They are men who are compensating you for sex. This is simply a form of prostitution.
Don't get me wrong - I have no problem with sex work. I think it ought to be legal, and it ought to be safe, but right now it isn't either of those things. Getting into these situation means putting yourself in a vulnerable position with men who may feel entitled to your body, where nearly no one else in your life knows what is happening to you or where you are and where you may not have full legal recourse or the support from the police that you need.
You can pretend being a 'sugar baby' is not sex work, and call it other things, but it functionally the same as being a prostitute, so it carries all those same risks that prostitutes face.
Sex work is not a safe thing to do in most places. Some people do get lucky, and only meet kind, considerate men who want no strings attached fooling around, but there are enough men out there who turn to sex workers because they are looking for easy victims who have no recourse against them that you have a real risk of bumping into at least one.
I can only advise you against doing this.
End your relationship if you don't want to be in it.
If you want to change your life, do that under your own steam. Go volunteer at home or aboard. Take a hobby class or join a club. Look for a new job. There are lots of ways you can take control of your life - but being a sugar baby isn't just about personal control. It also comes with a shit ton of personal risk.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I created an account on kik and i put my actual picture. I put a fake name and surname and email.
I am talking to this guy, and i dont want to talk to him anymore. I sent him two of my real pictures. I gave him my fake name and age and a fake city and state in the USA. I am not even from the USA
Could he ever somehow track me down. Again,he has two images of me.
I inserted those two images on google image to see
if there was something about me and nothing came up.
Can he track me though?
The Answer
It's unlikely.
But seriously, don't do things like this. Never do this again.
I can't say "No. It's impossible." because I can't know that for sure. There is a lot of information out there, and only a very small amount of it is indexed by Google. I have no idea what this person's skills are, what they have access too, or how badly they might want to find you. It IS possible. It's unlikely. It's not worth loosing sleep over, but it's still within the realm of the possible.
Don't reach out to complete strangers online. Don't assume 'anonymous' really means 'anonymous'. It nearly never does. Keep your safest - not by lying - but by avoiding these situations in the first place.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I'm a part-timer/intern at a small company. Sometimes they send me out to the field to help our field tech out, but he has a really smoking habit and chain smokes. I'm not a smoker and we work in close proximity to each other outside. I asked him the first time to please not smoke around me, but he kept doing it. So, the second time I told him to not smoke around me. He said that we are outside in an open space, so I told him that yes we are but we work in close proximity to each other, sometimes the wind blows and sometimes it doesn't, but when it doesn't it will linger. I absolutely can not breathe when he smokes around me and I can't think or even listen to him talk to me, especially when he's telling me some important things. I really don't want to have to talk to my supervisor about that but it doesn't seem like he's respect my choice of being in a smoke free environment. I also don't want to have to bring my school into this because they said that if I'm not comfortable working with anyone then I can tell them. What should I do?
The Answer
You ask (not demand, not tell, not complain, just ask) your supervisor what the policy is around this. Generally, in most work environments, its well understood that smoking is something you do on your break, not constantly throughout the work day, even if you work outside.
So start by asking your supervisor what the policy, if any, is, and if they have any advice for you.
If your supervisor refuses to address your concerns, or tells you that this coworkers behaviour is in line with policy, then you should go to your school.
You will not always be entitled to choose a 'smoke free' environment while you are at work, but you wont know what your options are, or what your rights are, until you speak to someone about the issue.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
i liked this girl i started dating who i thought was an innocent girl. in fact i didn't even try to kiss her until the third date because of how innocent i thought she was. well the thing is after i kissed her and don't ask me why we started talking about sexual experiences ( i thought she had practically none so what did i have to fear). well i found out she is what is known as a virgin slut or virgin whore, a girl who is still a virgin but has kissed around 40 guys and had blown off 4 guys just because she was horny and returning the favor after they had sucked her off.
i feel a little disgusted with the horny attitude with random guys in the past and don't know what i should think.
anyway, she is leaving the country for a year so we broke up but still talk as friends. we only kissed so i didn't even get blown off myself but she is going to do some religion studies outside the country, meaning no more sex life for at least that year (no kissing, no nothing). the thing is she went to Aruba as her last opportunity to party and i hate the feeling i get when i think about the certainty of she kissing at least a couple of guys a night (which really doesn't bother me that much)and the possibility of she sucking a guy off just because she is horny (that one does bother me).
i know this inst exactly a question but i need counsel from someone.
thanks in advance.
The Answer
You are broken up. You don't have any right to know what she is up to sexually or romantically - that is what 'broken up' means.
It's okay to have feelings for an ex or to think about what they might be doing now, but that doesn't mean anything can, or should, change.
When she comes back, IF you both want to try a relationship again, then you'll need to speak honestly about the things she choose to do while you were apart, but until then, if you are going to be her friend, you need to be her friend and be respectful. If you actually care for this women, you are going to have to stop using hateful words like 'whore' and 'slut' to describe something as innocently fun as kissing and stop obsessing over her choice to perform oral sex on people. Being horny is a totally valid reason for anyone - man or woman - to choose to engage in oral sex with a consenting partner.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Yesterday I was at my cousins' dads' house. I am 14 years old and she just turned 13 a week ago. She has a boyfriend in the 11th grade about to turn 16. When she told me about him in the car, I thought he was a bit of a creep for being with a girl about to go to eighth grade, but I hate it when people are biased, and I didn't want to offend my cousin so I decided to shut my mouth. When I walked in her boyfriend was there and he seemed like a decent guy. For the rest of the day I got settled and took a shower. I thought her boyfriend had left a while ago. I was wearing a towel because i had left my clothes in her room. I heard screaming so I opened her door and said what's wrong? I saw them having sex and it was gross. He said "oh I didn't know your cousin wanted a threesome." I screamed at him and called him a pervert and grabbed him by the arm as he got dressed. He ran out of the house and I went back to my cousins room and she was crying screaming at me saying that she hates me. I grabbed my clothes and got dressed in the bathroom. I was mad and sad because I knew that my cousin wasn't this type of person. She kicked me out of her room and made me sleep in the couch. I wanted to ask her if he was using a condom but she has been silent and hasn't talked to until she said, "I am not breaking up with him and you should feel like crap for walking in on us." And then she slammed the door. What should I do to get her to talk to me. I don't want to tell my uncle about it because she would hate me even more. I love her we are best friends but now she won't talk to me. I have apologized even though I honestly don't believe that what happened was my fault, I mean how else was I supposed to react? So what should I do, I want to talk to her please help.
The Answer
You should tell an adult.
Maybe her father isn't the right adult for you to tell first, but you need to tell an adult, because her safety is more important than her liking you.
I know that sucks, but it's true, and the way you've described her reaction, and his behaviour, only makes it more clear that she needs an adult to step in and protect her.
You are right: It wasn't your fault that you walked in. You had no reason to suspect that she was having sex. You are also right that his reaction was totally not okay, and worth getting very angry about. It's further concerning, that instead of acting like your friend and talking to you about what is going on, she is shutting you out and refusing to answer even your questions about her physical safety (ie condoms).
You have your whole life to make it up to her, but what is important right now, is that she is physically safe. She is only thirteen, in many places a sixteen year old having sex with her is a crime. She's too young, legally, in many places to even consent to having sex with him. This needs to stop, for both of their sakes. Tell an adult.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I have always been told masturbation was bad but I always here adults say yeah I used to masturbate to and I turned out fine I don't know what to belive
The Answer
Masturbation isn't physically harmful. It wont make you sick, or do anything bad to do (as long as you aren't so rough you hurt yourself).
Masturbation is normal and healthy. Like anything that is normal and healthy, some people can take it to far and have a problem, but that's not common. The vast majority of people masturbate, and most people will never experience any problems because of it.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Thanks for the advice! But my parents aren't willing to pay for anything. & I actually did go to one source talent. But they said I needed to travel to different states. I can't do that. I'm only 13, and I have school, and I just want a movie or something to be filmed in or near Chicago cause that's where I live. Any more suggestions?
The Answer
I can't see your previous question, and I don't know who you were trying to reach, but I'll offer you what I can...
Tough fact is that very little films in Chicago these days. There just isn't much film industry there to be a part of. Even most movies you see that are set in Chicago are actually filmed in Toronto or Vancouver.
My best advice to you would be to do some theatre. Chicago is a great city for live theatre with a lot of serious organizations and training. You can probably find programs to develop your talent, and give you real exposure to working with other artists.
There are also some great film schools in Chicago. You could contact them and ask if they have any database for young actors who are willing to work for free with their film students. I imagine students may have trouble filling roles for young people.
If you want to act, find chances to act that you can access.
It's a waste of time to hold your breath for a blockbuster.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
21/f, 27/m
I've been dating this guy for two months. We haven't really discussed whether or not we were exclusive. We have but we did not go anywhere with the conversation.
He knows that if he was seeing other people, I would stop seeing him. He has also told me that he would be upset if I was seeing or dating other people as well. He has told me that he wasn't seeing anyone else but he has been "chatting" or "talking" to other people but he hasn't actually seen them ever since he met me.
The one thing that throws me off is that he's also still on Tinder (dating app), is it okay for me to assume that we're exclusive? Or what should I make of it?
The Answer
Assuming is never a good idea.
You need to talk to him about this with more precision or one, or both of you, is going to end up hurt.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I didn't know how else to title my question, but what I mean is that my granddad, who is very hard of hearing, says insulting things about people not knowing that they can hear him. Since he can't hear well, he doesn't realize how loud he's being, but he's usually speaking at a normal voice volume.
We are caucasian and I don't think of myself as being racist. I don't think my granddad dislikes people of other races either, but he doesn't seem to think very highly of them. However, he definitely IS prejudice against homosexuals and I bite my nails every time one's around him because I'm worried about what he'll say to them.
Once a couple months ago, he, my mom, and I were eating lunch out after having taken him to the doctor. Our waiter was African American and a little goofy, but he was very sweet and a great waiter. Apparently earlier while I was in the waiting room at the doctor's, my mom and granddad were being seen by an African American homosexual male nurse. At lunch, just as our waiter was walking off, my granddad said, "Well, this must be my day for (gay slur) black guys." He said it where the guy could hear him, but although I was embarrassed, I'm glad he said black guys and not a certain racial slur that he uses a lot.
Not too long ago, my mom took him to the eye doctor and there were apparently a lot of other elderly people in the waiting room. My granddad is almost 82 and makes a lot of old jokes about himself. At the eye doctor's office, he leaned over in my mom's ear and said about the other people in the waiting room, "These people are all older than I am." At which time every one turned and stared at them.
He means for these things to be jokes and I think it hurts his feelings if you don't laugh, but I know he can be insulting and even hurtful at times. I know the obvious thing to do is just to tell him, but I don't think it'll help. He can't hear well enough to know how loud he is. What should I do?
The Answer
If he's not able to understand why his behaviour is not okay, you might be able to curb it by asking him to stop it as as a favour to you. My grandmother could never understand why certain terms she used among her friends in South Carolina where not things she could say when she visited me in Chicago. After trying, and failing, to explain it to her, I started just reminding her that I didn't appreciate those words, and that they made me uncomfortable. She wasn't happy with me, but she was able to change her behaviour for my sake, even though she didn't understand why and thought I was being silly.
He doesn't sound as though he is so far gone that he wont respond to you letting him know what makes you uncomfortable. Be somewhat understanding with crass or rude statements, but draw a firm line a bigotry and racism. The other benefit of this is that if other people hear you gently but firmly telling your grampa that you don't like the things he is saying, they are more likely to be sympathetic and patient with his outbursts.
It may hurt his feelings a bit, but in the long run it will keep him safer and happier if you can discourage the most offensive of his comments.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Hi,Its Love Choice girl again!
A few things have happened since yesterday.
I told my mother about seeing him,and she thinks I have lost it.
The pressing of faith has literally made me explode like a boiling teapot.Im so in love with this man,and hes such a part of my life! And for him to be gone forever is crimminal
My dad left the faith and my mom and family and I believe this part of why she doesnt want me to be with my guy.
Again,the Bible does state not to be unevenly yoked with a non-believer and not to intermarry religions.
I realize that,I had always felt strongly,that if 2 people love eachother and do worship and believe in the same God,it should be fine.I dont want to abadon my faith.
Im left with 3 choices
1.Stay with my love and keep my faith (Wich the Bible calls being lukewarm)
2. Let my love go and be misreable forever
3.Find someone else who does share in my faith who I believe is hard to find,and I know I couldn't love anyone like I love my baby
Im sorry to re-bring this up,my heart is breaking at the seams second by second.My love has done nothing wrong,except love me and treat me well.
Thank you!
The Answer
Nothing you've said here changes my previous advice.
If you (not your mother, but you) honestly believe that God will damn you to suffer for all eternity because you choose to live your life with someone who loves and respects you, but doesn't share your faith, then you should probably find someone else, because that belief in eternal hell-fire is a lot of pressure to put on yourself and your relationship. Your belief that both of your deserve to be damned is going to poison any relationship you have with someone who doesn't' believe as you do.
You do have a forth option though, and that is to reconsider your faith and come to a different understanding of your relationship with God. That's not 'abandoning' your faith, that's just realizing that faith takes on many shapes and follows many paths, and that religions that claim to be the absolute authority on what God wants are absolutely crazy. Certainly in my experience, people who don't believe in a God that is a vicious, merciless asshole, are generally happier.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
My boyfriend and I have been together 8 months. We just recently moved in together I have 2 children I had to move I was living in a one room apartment with my two kids in a house with a ton of people. I loved that way for a year and finally just couldn't take it. We got a place we've fought a lot about dumb stuff I've had a really hard time life wise for the last 5 years my husband took off I divorced now. We'll while moving together his truck loads were like half full. We spent over 2 hours putting a bed together I put the bed together he held the pieces up if I asked him to make sure something was tight he had no idea what he was doing at all. He couldn't put one screw together I'm really annoyed we still have two more beds two more dressers and a kitchen table to put together... am I wrong for being annoyed. I feel awful but Idk
The Answer
Call a friend or family member and ask them to help you.
It's okay to feel annoyed, but blaming him is not respectful or helpful. If these are skills he doesn't have, then he doesn't have them. Asking him to be a moving or assembly expert, just 'cause that is what you need right this second, isn't fair or reasonable.
You can't assume that someone else has the same knowledge or skills you do.
It's a stressful time for both of you. If this is something he isn't good at, find a task that he is good at - even if it's just watching the kids- or ask for help from someone else.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
So i deleted his facebook account off my friends and unfollowed him on instagram so i wouldnt see any of his posts esp the one or two with girls. And a few days after i deleted his facebook within a week he deleted my number. Can this mean that he checked my facebook to even know that i unfriended him and got mad so he deleted my number? Because when we were together before and if i turned off wifi while we were in a fight so kinda like blocking him he would be furious and be mad at me.
The Answer
If he is your ex, and you don't want to have contact with him anymore, then does it matter why he deleted your number?
Maybe he noticed. Maybe he didn't. Really doesn't matter.
(View All Other Answers.)