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Insecurity and suspicious.
21/f
I've been dating a guy for three months. We've also only known each other for three and a half months. I don't know anything about him "under the surface." I don't know how he generally is, personality wise. I only know about what he does for a living, what he likes to eat, etc. Nothing that I can actually really connect with. In other words, we don't have many deep conversations.
Since we've been dating, we have not discussed whether or not we were exclusive. We were both aware that we would not be happy if one of us were seeing other people other than each other. Here's the thing, we met online. Ever since I met him, I stopped going onto my profile but he was still on it. Recently, I noticed that he has been getting on it more frequently. Speaking about it has gotten us nowhere. He just mentioned that he has been chatting with a few people but he has not been seeing them.
I will admit that I have brought in some of my trust issues from my previous relationships just because they have turned out terribly due to trust. I have been doing what is called "mirroring", whatever he does, I do. If he texts me, I text him. If he calls, I call him. He went on his dating profile, I go on my dating profile. Whenever he finds out that someone has been chatting with me, his mood changes and he becomes quiet. I sometimes notice that he would glance at my phone whenever I'm on it next to him. I'll admit, I do the same thing sometimes.
Other than the fact that he's been getting on his dating profile more often, he has not given me any reason not to trust him. He has not lied, he has been completely honest with me, he talks to me everyday, and he tells me about what he did that day. What could be wrong?
I can't help but be insecure or suspicious of him seeing someone else. I think of the worst scenario and it drives me crazy. I'm worried when I shouldn't be worried. Help?
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I am glad you mentioned that you didn't know anything about him 'under the surface' not the kind of things that really count and help to begin a trust with a person. Does he know about you enough things in depth, has he even asked? If he does know all about you but unwilling to share about himself....he could be a very shy quiet person but he also could be trying to hide something about himself. He may feel insecure as a man and feel threatened therefore if another guy simply talks to you. If he doesnt know anything about you and isn't asking, then he doesn't really care to have deep conversation to get to know you better.
Did you know that early dating, like the first month or two if seeing each other couple times a week and talking by phone frequently, is enough time for two people to discover enough about each other past the surface stuff to know if this is someone they want to continue dating or not. Early dating is not the time to become exclusive with a guy just because you are attracted to his looks.
You need to know first what it is you are looking for in a guy. Some of the Needs or 'must haves' in a guy will come from your own dating experiences with guys...things you liked about them and the things that bugged you or you won't tolerate. Make a list for yourself and keep it in a journal or on your computer and add to it as you figure out more. Right now, all I know is that you have a desire to find a guy to be exclusive with but expect that to happen when you first meet in person and start dating. This guy is doing what many who are single do, including myself at one point and I used dating sites too to meet my 2nd husband in my late 40's.
I made it clear up front that I was not going to be dating just him exclusively as I was in the shopping around - checking it out mode and if several promising male prospects came across my path at the same time, I would go out with them at the same time, as I was seriously looking for the right guy for me. This puts the male in the position of knowing that if he is serious about finding a great gal to love, then he better invest the time to find out enough about you to see if you might be the right one, and be an open book himself so that he knows he has at least a chance of winning you. There aren't enough females doing this and it would fare lots better for them if they did.
Many males will do the dating around thing. It seems to be fairly normal for them. Not all of them are conciously trying to get to know her and reveal themselves to her because they aren't serious about finding a gal to love and be in a long term relationship with yet. Or they just
don't have a clue how to go about it seriously. One of the problems is that men don't tend to disclose to a female upfront that they are dating around incase she is not okay with that. And females tend to think that when a guy starts chatting with her in person /on line and agrees to meet with her/go out with her, that he is somehow not going to meet any other girls or stop looking for prospects.
He may have no clue yet, usually common at this age, as to what he wants in a female companion. If he is only concerned with beauty skin deep and not concerned with getting to know your inner beauty then theres a chance that you are nothing more than someething like a new Christmas toy. Think back to when you were a kid. You saw something you wanted really bad and begged and begged the parents a nd then you got it for Christmas and played with it for maybe a week or so before it finally lost it's appeal and you became bored with it. That happens to guys who date who are not truly looking for a girlfriend...they like the 'something new' but without anything more than the surface level stuff, he can become bored with a girl easily and just stop seeing her.
You were already told by Razhie that 3 months was enough time to get to know each other...yes...as long as you didnt just meet twice a month. In my on line dating days, I had a list for the guys in my profile of what I absolutely must have, otherwise dont contact me. One was 'must be non smoker, and not into taking drugs f or fun...I spelled it out, every possibility covering as many areas as possible.
Some guys outright lied just to get to meet me thinking that I would like them once I met them even if they didn't meet half the criteria on my list. Other things I was looking for is a man who might tend to anger easily or be abusive in some way as that was my first husband. It took until a 3rd date to see that trait in one guy I met with. He truly sounded great the first two times out in public. 3rd date was dinner he cooked for me at his house. But the moment I arrived, he slipped up cus he was comfortable in his surroundings and let his real self show through, the moment I saw that, I never met him again. Basically he apologized for his place looking a mess ( wasnt messy) and began to say terrible things about his Asian maid he hired...racial slurs and other horrible verbal abuse type stuff. That was what I had before. So when I saw it in him, it was goodbye. The thing about dating is, when you find something like that you wont live with in a guy, you are not supposed to stay with him cus your heart developed strings of attachment, feelings....you are supposed to move on to the next guy to try to improve, never settle for the same and never settle for less than the best for you. Learn from your past relationships, and realize, you will have to meet a lot of frogs before you find your Mr. Right. I had to go thru tons of that, even though the on line profile helped narrow things down. But it was worth it in the end because I ended up with almost everything I wanted, just that he doesnt dance and i love it. But all my Needs/must haves he met.
Hope this all helps give you some things to think about and perhaps you will figure out now what you need to do. I'd start by letting him know what your hopes and expectations are...you date to get to know a guy much better because you are looking for your long term love relationship not for a current partner for entertainment purposes. So you need to know where he is at. What he is looking for. If he isn't looking for what you are, then thank him for his time and break it off. If he is looking for the same thing, then tell him there need to be some rules and guidelines if the two of you are going to date to determine if each of you is the right one. If anywhere along the way one of you decides the other is not who you want to end up long term with, then you will say so and part as friends. But one of your rules might be that he must make every effort to let you into his life, as far as knowing who he is, what makes him tick, his core values, his morals, beliefs, hopes fears dreams etc... If that is too hard for him or he doesnt want to...then you must decide if you're going to settle for less or move on.
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Do you want to be in an exclusive relationship with this guy?
Frankly, after three months, you should be able to answer that question. Three months may not be a really, really long time, but it's long enough to decide if you want to be dating other people or focusing on this relationship.
If you want to be in an exclusive relationship with this guy, SPEAK UP. That is where all your problems are stemming from: Neither of you know what is allowed and what isn't, because you haven't set clear boundaries. You've created a situation where it is virtually impossible to build trust, because neither of you know what it is your are supposed to trust the other person to do or not do! This isn't 'taking it slow'. This is killing it with confusion. By refusing to define what this relationship is, you are turning into a non-relationship.
You are both creating this situation, and it s going to lead to more distrust and more hurt feelings unless you stop it. Stop mirroring him, stop agonizing over what he *might* be thinking and decide what sort of relationship you want with him, and ask if he's interested in that. If he's not, cry it out and move on. At least you'll know, and you can stop wasting your time.
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It sounds like you are dating my son, though I don't think you are he is generally very committed to the person he's dating until he has reason not to be. My son has trust issues like you born from a relationship he had with a women he deeply thought he would marry.
Once we lose our trust or faith in our fellow man it is hard to trust anyone again. While you have gone that far in saying it I believe this is your problem and it is the same problem he deals with. So I will tell you what I told him.
I once had a sales manager that trusted no one. He constantly harped on that when he traveled with me to the point I couldn't deal with it. I trust people until I find I cannot trust then, and then I work to find out why I can't trust them and try to correct it so we can trust each other again. As I saw it trust was a big part of what I did, without it you can't be successful. The reason I found he trusted no one truly trusted him and what people told me about him behind his back which included my customers. It is kind of hard to travel with your boss when you customer ask not to bring him with you.
The point of what I have just told you is you have to give trust to get trust. The old story is you have to earn trust, which is true but you also have be trusting to get trust.
Stop checking up on him to see if he is checking his profile. If he is not giving you reason not to trust him, then give him some trust and see where it leads. I know this might be hard considering the trust issues you may have but you have to break that cycle and start over.
Not trusting people leads to self-doubt, which leads to self-esteem issues and possibly depression. It not worth it, if you find you can't trust someone they are not worth it and they don't deserve you.
Remember the old saying that all you need do is "live, die and pay taxes." Well that is not quite true. What you really have to do is to be a better person tomorrow than you are today. If you can do that and you can learn to trust people then you will be successful in all walks of life; including your love life. Stop doubting yourself and wait until you have reason to not trust him or anyone else.
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Well you guys aren't exclusive if you're talking to other people.
Maybe nothings actually wrong. He doesn't lie to you or do anything like that. But maybe since he's not giving you what you want, you're just not happy and you're doubting this.
You want something exclusive with him. It seems like he's keeping his options open.
I think you should sit down and talk to him. Tell him how you feel about the situation. Or ask him where you guys are headed.
If he doesn't want to be exclusive, then decide if this is what you want or if you should turn away. Just because he's a good guy, doesn't mean he's the right guy for you.
Just make sure to do what's right for you.
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It's already a list of red flags here. He doesn't seem to be exclusive with you. If you're insecure or suspicious, I would listen to your gut.
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