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Granddad is Inadvertently Insulting
I didn't know how else to title my question, but what I mean is that my granddad, who is very hard of hearing, says insulting things about people not knowing that they can hear him. Since he can't hear well, he doesn't realize how loud he's being, but he's usually speaking at a normal voice volume.
We are caucasian and I don't think of myself as being racist. I don't think my granddad dislikes people of other races either, but he doesn't seem to think very highly of them. However, he definitely IS prejudice against homosexuals and I bite my nails every time one's around him because I'm worried about what he'll say to them.
Once a couple months ago, he, my mom, and I were eating lunch out after having taken him to the doctor. Our waiter was African American and a little goofy, but he was very sweet and a great waiter. Apparently earlier while I was in the waiting room at the doctor's, my mom and granddad were being seen by an African American homosexual male nurse. At lunch, just as our waiter was walking off, my granddad said, "Well, this must be my day for (gay slur) black guys." He said it where the guy could hear him, but although I was embarrassed, I'm glad he said black guys and not a certain racial slur that he uses a lot.
Not too long ago, my mom took him to the eye doctor and there were apparently a lot of other elderly people in the waiting room. My granddad is almost 82 and makes a lot of old jokes about himself. At the eye doctor's office, he leaned over in my mom's ear and said about the other people in the waiting room, "These people are all older than I am." At which time every one turned and stared at them.
He means for these things to be jokes and I think it hurts his feelings if you don't laugh, but I know he can be insulting and even hurtful at times. I know the obvious thing to do is just to tell him, but I don't think it'll help. He can't hear well enough to know how loud he is. What should I do?
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If your grandfather is not suffering from any form of dementia you should, if you are caring and polite in talking to him. To get him to understand that some of the things he says are not or may not acceptable to others. That he needs to understand that modern acoustics being what they are to day, another way of saying he is loud, our voices travel farther than we may intend them too and others may be insulted unintentionally.
Then if you want you can also tell him that some of the words or phrases he uses are hurtful to you. As they are no longer used in polite society. You may want to be prepared to explain to him why this is so.
Being 82 is not considered all that old. But being 82 says he is probably pretty set in his ways so be prepared to have to remind him from time to time. In fact if your grandfather is agreeable to trying to change see if you can't chose a word to say to remind him when you're out that he has said something he shouldn't.
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If he's not able to understand why his behaviour is not okay, you might be able to curb it by asking him to stop it as as a favour to you. My grandmother could never understand why certain terms she used among her friends in South Carolina where not things she could say when she visited me in Chicago. After trying, and failing, to explain it to her, I started just reminding her that I didn't appreciate those words, and that they made me uncomfortable. She wasn't happy with me, but she was able to change her behaviour for my sake, even though she didn't understand why and thought I was being silly.
He doesn't sound as though he is so far gone that he wont respond to you letting him know what makes you uncomfortable. Be somewhat understanding with crass or rude statements, but draw a firm line a bigotry and racism. The other benefit of this is that if other people hear you gently but firmly telling your grampa that you don't like the things he is saying, they are more likely to be sympathetic and patient with his outbursts.
It may hurt his feelings a bit, but in the long run it will keep him safer and happier if you can discourage the most offensive of his comments.
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