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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

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I started college in August. During my first week on campus, I met "Amy." We quickly became good friends. From the beginning, I knew that she was gay, but it didn't bother me. I'm pretty open-minded, despite my upbringing (more on that in a minute). I knew she was attracted to me too, which I guess I found flattering. For a couple weeks afterward, anytime we were alone and especially when we were in her dorm room, she would start working on me, trying to get me to experiment with her. Finally one night, when I'd had a bit to drink and we were again alone in her room, I gave in and had sex with her.

I didn't particularly enjoy it, but it was just an experiment, so whatever, right? But after that night, she began pressuring me to sleep with her again. So I told her it was just a one-time thing and that I was sorry if she'd been assuming it was something more. She got really mad and that's when she got out her laptop and pulled up the video of us having sex. Turns out she'd had a camera set up and hidden in her room to film us. She's threatened to leak the video to my parents if I don't do exactly what she tells me.

Now, my parents are super-religious and insanely conservative. Tolerance is not exactly their strong suit. At minimum, they’d refuse to pay my tuition and I’d have to leave college if they found out I’ve experimented with homosexuality. The worst case scenario is they’d both disown me. And the worst case scenario is a real possibility.

Since then, I've had to meet up with her for sex anytime she asks. Thinking about those encounters as I type this makes my skin crawl. I always feel so dirty and used afterward. To her, I’m a human sex toy. I can tell that she gets off on the fact that I’m forced to do this and don’t want to.

I have to get out of this situation, but I don’t know how. If I don’t comply, she’ll release the video. I’ve thought about reporting her, but it’s only my word that this video even exists. I doubt the police could get a warrant just on my say-so. And even if they did do something, I’m sure she has a back-up copy of that video somewhere. If the cops don’t manage to seize it along with her laptop, it’ll get leaked eventually.

I feel stuck in a situation of mutually assured destruction. I can’t have my parents finding out about us having sex. So now I don't know what to fucking do. I hope someone has some ideas because I can't go on like this forever.

Blackmailing for any reason is a punishable crime. It can vary from state to state from what I read and so it is best to talk to a lawyer. You should report this to the police.

Today, if you are on the phone and the other person wants to tape record the conversation, they have to let you know they intend to do that, otherwise, doing so is wrong, and can be a punishable crime, so I would think that along those lines, any recording, video or verbal of you without your permission is a crime, threatening to expose you to parents is a crime and blackmailing you to do whatever she wishes is a crime. I don't think you can lose anything here. Yes, it will be embarassing to have to let officials know exactly what she is black mailing you for. She is hoping that you won't report her because it is a very embarassing private thing. However we don't know if she has done this sort of thing before, how many other girls have felt they had to give in. She needs to be found guilty and put in jail so this can't happen again to any one else. Think about it, recording a person and black mailing them is not just a one time thing a person dreams up of trying. She's most likely done this kind of thing before and never been caught because everyone one wants to keep it quiet. You are in adult and your parents don't need to know you are getting the law involved. I am so sorry to hear it has happened to you but I feel she may have a long history of this and someone needs to get the law involved so this can end once and for all. By the way, being a college student, you won't have money for a lawyer so find a lawyer who will take you pro bono which means they won't charge you

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First of all, I got to know someone online on discord and now we are friends on FB but he is not my style and I don't know how to tell him without making him feel like it's his fault... He look like he is a good person but I cannot feel attracted to him . What can I do ?

Gender: female , 20 , Greece

Just say you want to say something in case he has ideas for something more than friendship, that it is all there can ever be because there isn't that kind of chemistry.
If however it isn't about him wanting a romantic relationship and you originally wanted to be a friend, him too but now don't even like him as a friend, then you don't want to say anything to make him feel bad as a bad. People still at this age, question their own behavior as the problem when it is simply not having enough in common. And no matter how much you might state that you have found little in common and are not going to be friends on line anymore, he may take it wrong. It's better if he doesn't know. NOw if it is a person you know face to face, have met, it is better to say something than leave them guessing. However, just a person you've never met except on line, and I have met my share too, we simply drifted apart, even though we started off excited as f riends, both eventually were not interested later and we just stopped looking to see if the other wrote as it became more infrequent til it stopped. So to do so gently, you might just not get on line with him as often, and make the times shorter, let him know you are busy with new things and new friends and have less time to spend on line. Ultimately, that is the better thing for everyone, to spend less time in cyberspace with a person you've never met and spend time with friends in real time face to face.

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My best friend has a crush on me and I’ve discussed that I don’t like her that way or want to be with her and everything was fine. Now, I have a boyfriend and she’s suddenly gotten more clingy and makes me really uncomfortable and I want to spend less time with her, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings. What do I do?

The word I've always used that works is 'Chemistry'. First let her know that you have noticed how she behaves around you has changed since you got a boyfriend. Let her know that she will always be your friend (people are afraid of losing friends once the friend is dating) and just to be clear, that the chemistry needed to be more than friends, is not there with you and her, so it can never be a romantic friendship. You may have to reassure her a couple times. This is a typical issue that comes up, fearing that they will hardly see you if you are too wrapped up in the romantic relationship. And to be honest, some of the time you might have spent with a friend is now being spent with a romantic partner. Life changes and won't always be the same as we always knew and a person needs to be able to adapt with the changes. So there is always a chance she might not ever be able to adapt and go with the flow. If after several months of reassurances, she is no better, then you'll know you've done your best and the rest lies on her to adapt. Do whatever you feel you must at that point.

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I’m 30 years old and in a relationship with a guy who’s 24 for almost two years now.. i never saw something the puts me in a doubt or our relationship in danger, because he’s so fond of me and i could see it from his actions... except that time that i saw him texting his ex which we got it through .. but i think I started to have the trust issues now because of that because she was his ex and they were seeing each other , of course his explanation was that the girl won’t let him go .. we passed that . At least that’s what we think...
I went through his phone this morning, i saw he was talking to his best friend and his friend studies abroad, so it was like this.. “ if i were in your place right now I would’ve explore the country, the culture everything ... from party to another, I would’ve fuck different girl everyday if i had that chance right now, to live alone for a while i would do it without even thinking” so this is a little disturbing for me it’s more of a disgusting... I don’t know maybe it’s something that he didn’t live that part of his life fully that it’s still inside of him,, or he’s not committed or I don’t know....

What people say, and what they mean or are thinking can be different. For example, he could be saying all that to impress a male friend saying what he would be doing. Men tend to talk sex talk in ways that can sound serious but half the times they are making it all up, know, men boastly about their sexual prowess. then on the other hand, perhaps this is a deep down wish of his though he would never act on it in real life and lastly, theres the chance this is something he's wishing for himself and may try his best to see it happen.

If you do not have trust in him, then I've read that the main reason is usually the guy isn't showing the girl in ways she can understand that he is so in to her that he could never be interested in anyone else. I have such a husband. But not all men are like this. If this is what you want, then all you have to do is look for consistency in a man. Something in which they are consistently doing the right thing, or con sistently doing the wrong thing, cheating, breaking trust, not being open enough and telling you things so you don't have to come across them yourself and feel you have to ask questions. If a guy doesn't consistently have the kind of behavior or traits you want, then he's the wrong guy for you, no matter how cute, hot or wealthy he is. If you feel there is great reason to doubt him right now, then either you aren't picking up on the fact he is devoted to you only, or he's doing a bad job of showing it. You'll know if it is you if you are truly honest with yourself. If its him, then its best you leave him. If married, I'd suggest couple counseling but you are only dating and most non married people do not go for therapy, they just break up and look for someone new

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16 year old lesbian. I tried to search the internet, but no one has a situation quite like mine so it seems. It's complicated as to how my family learned I was gay, but let's just say I didn't tell them on my own accord. In my community, I find acceptance from friends and acquantainces, even strangers. But my family just doesn't want to acknowledge it.

They don't reject or disown me, but my dad keeps talking about boyfriends and husbands, and the best my family gets would be "spouse" or "partner" and the talks of me being straight one day or bisexual, basically treating being lesbian as a phase. The bisexuality makes it so lucid that they don't dislike me liking girls as much as they dislike me not liking boys-that I will never be in a "normal" relationship/marriage. They treat girlfriends like friends, etc.

As a 14 year old who didn't really accept herself, I didn't mind, but now I'm so over it, I'm over being the closet monster of the family if that makes any sense when I'm literally not doing anything wrong.

My question really is how I get people to acknowledge what I am and stopping it from being seen as a passing phase or some quirky teenage rebellion thing.

Hon, there is nothing you can do to change their mind or outlook on the situation. God has given each of us a free will and how we think is part of that. So if there is to be any change on their part, it must be generated from within them, their wanting to change their outlook. When I was young and naive, I simply believed what my very conservative church told me , being gay was wrong, the people should repent and if transgender and they had sex change operations, that people should pray for a miracle for God to transform them back to the gender they showed at birth. It took me a few decades of coming across info on my own. I think the most convincing thing is when it is a scientific fact presented on the same sex attraction thing. That's what finally made me see I was wrong.
Farmers who grow livestock know that it is not a choice but a way people are born because as they watch their stock to choose the best males for breeding and increasing their herd or flock, they will always see some male animals that only try to mount other males. Those animals are not good for breeding if that is the farmers main business, selling livestock. So they sell the ones they can't breed with for slaughter to be used as food for people. I can't remember where I found or heard this twice in my life but you might try searching the internet for it. Finding a gay friendly church would be a great thing and you may be able to get suggestions of any other info like this to leave around for the parents to read or simply show it to them. But the deciding to change their stance must come from inside and if they have hardened their hearts stubbornly to pick and choose what they assume are truths, all you can do is pray for them. Once you are 18, you are an adult but if living at home still, its their house and their rules so if they say no are welcome there, thats their rule you must follow if choosing to live under their roof. If I were you, I would start networking with other gay people now, even older than you and find others who will be looking to get out of parents home, and finding gay people to become roommates together. THis would mean requiring a job with some income to cover your part of rent if life at home becomes unbearable at worst case scenerio. I highly recommend a gay friendly church as there may be someone who will take you in for little or no rent as an inbetween situation until you get on your feet. Life at home wasn't bad for my straight eldest daughter when she turned 18, she simply wanted to start on her independance from us and first stage was living elsewhere for her. So she asked at her church and pastor mentioned it and an older lady took her in.

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I'm a 24/f wife & mother. I live with my husband and his side of the family, and my family is in another state. My husband and I work part-time on alternating schedules to take care of my now 8 month old daughter.

Ever since I had my daughter I have lost nearly all of my friends, and the ones I've kept always seem to be too busy to ever hang out so it's like I don't have any. Since my husband and I work alternating times we don't get much time to spend together, and when we do get time he just plays his videogames and doesn't really want to do anything else together. I'm always the one taking care of our daughters needs and I have to nag him for help and he makes a big deal out of it. We lost our place a little bit before my daughter was born and have been staying with his mother, and she doesn't help us at all, even when I could really use the break. Everyday I daydream about how much better it would be if I just disappeared, I feel so beaten down, I just want to give up.

My life is just too overwhelming for me and I feel like the only thing that keeps me here is my daughter, but even that just barely helps. I don't know what to do with myself anymore and I feel extremely alone. I could use some sort of help with dealing with all these dark thoughts (the Crisis hotlines never work for me.)

This will be long but I promise I am trying to ex plain a lot to you as I have faced stuff similar in how it effected me. Your title says years of depression. If you were depressed before marriage, then I suggest seeing a psychologist who deals in CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy. If so, and you need the link to a page on line, let me know. Otherwise by what you wrote of just the things going on now, If anyone else had to face what you are facing, they would be depressed too. I had a bad life with my ex, basically being the one to do it all and care of 3 kids with no help from and verbal abuse from the ex. This lasted about 30 years until the kids were out of the house. Now I wish I had left him earlier. What you have doesn't sound like clinical depression which is when your body is unable to create the hormones needed to help you deal with the stress. When we are low or have run out of what is called 'Feel Good” hormones, we become stressed and ongoing stress without any ammo so to speak of these hormones in store, you will end up feeling depressed. I will explain a bit more to be sure you are clear on what depression is, how to get rid of it and then you will know that you have to make some changes for sure in order to survive.

I said the hormones can run low or run out if you are using it up too fast due to lots of stress. The b ody naturally creates these hormones in most people. The receptors in our brains need them to be able to handle stress. Lets put it this way to imagine how important this is. Lets say you are dying of thirst and open the fridge but there is nothing left to drink. A quick fix is to grab a glass and turn on the faucet but no water comes out. Someone forgot to pay the long overdue water bill and it has been shut off.

You can't expect to have water to deal with your thirst if there simply isn't any. That is what is happening when people don't do one or both of the following:

One is simple actions you take to boost what creates these hormones in the first place and the result is instant. I know as I use these all the time daily or weekly to make sure I don't run low so I never run out anymore.
The other thing is to make bigger changes, like removing the biggest things causing your stress if shifting things around, getting willingness from partner and both getting counseling to start the process towards healing.

Right now, one thing I can see as easy to work on because it involves only you, is to sign yourself and child up for attending a Mommy and Child play group meet up in your area. This gives Moms and children a change for social interaction and its a great way for Moms to make new friends with new Moms who already have that very thing in common. Many of old friends may not have kids and not be able to relate to you since you are married and a Mom now. Try community boards to see if any are advertised, ask the pediatrician where you can learn of Mother Child circles in your area, or you can try the internet and look for Meet ups dot come. I won't put the actual dot here as it takes me straight to the site for my area. You will see what I mean when you bring it up. There is a place to put your city or zip code to get listings of different meet ups in your area. I once say one of Moms who met with babes in strollers to go walking all together and at the end as a group stopping by a juice bar for refreshment . This was a regular weekly meetup. If most these meetings are held mornings and you work mornings,, you may have to get approval to switch your hours at your job and also get the husband to agree to the change in his schedule.

The second big issue is not having time together. I understand that it is because of the choices you are making to be able to make budget ends meet. It is much tougher now for young parents than when I was raising my kids and even then, it was just starting to become an issue. My next idea comes from a couple I know of who are doing the thing I will mention next. The wife is a barista at Starbucks and her Husband as well at another location. They had a few little children and can't afford a rent on their own, so they rent a house they share with another family in the same position as them. I believe the other couple both work as well. However with four adults rather than just two, it was easier for the other couple to watch the kids some evening so the other couple can have a date night out and then trade to help each couple out. For an uninterrupted night in bed, consider a date night in, where the kids if old enough are told to not disturb Mom and Dad and I suggest a locking door knob or at least a latch on door jamb to lock from inside. So the other couple has theirs and your kid/kids to feed, entertain with a movie, and put to bed and take care of any needs that come up. You both would do the same for them. This will not work if your husband can't agree to any of this or leaves it all up to you to take care of both couples kids while he plays games.
The first relationship before the child is a wee bit more important than the children because if things aren't right and the relationship not nurtured, it will fall apart. Perhaps yours can still be saved. I am sure you are willing to try anything but it takes some times an outside person to hear both sides and offer the logical solutions or help you to find your own solutions. You made a step in writing here but none of us are marriage counselors or counselors of any kind. You say your in law is I to help. So I see this as something to shoot for, sharing rent with another couple, and it will take both couples searching for the perfect house, one where the upstairs and downstairs are two complete living quarters with own bath, kitchen bedrooms and general area. My grand daughter and her remarried Dad with new wife and three other kids share such a house with his married brother and it is working for them. Also, with four kids, his wife is creative in finding alone time. She contacted every relative not living with them, to let her know who wants to take which child for which days of school spring break and that way got all of them scheduled out for the whole week. Of course, that means having plenty enough relatives close by to do that.

I would like to mention something just in case your hubby is as miserable as you. He just may not show it the same way. I believe I understand men fairly well. One big thing to them is having time to be spontaneous with his woman, enjoy kisses and cuddles and touches whenever together and having sex as regularly as their libido needs it. Some people do okay with once every week, every other week and others desire it as much as every day or every other day. If this part of his life is not going well, it will disrupt their wellbeing. Men can get depressed too, but that level before of just stress, no matter what the stress is, outside of his relationship with the wife, if he's getting the love, attention and sex he needs, it will help him be able to handle all the rest, and even find the want to help and take equal parts in the rest, helping with chores, cooking, helping raise his kids. I met my second husband after my kids were grown but I know he is the kind who would help with kids because he does everything else like cooking, the wash, cleaning, running errands for me and when he knows something is important to me, he will rearrange our budget so I can go ahead with whatever I need to purchase like a Birthday gift for grand daughter recently which meant we had to cut the budget in other areas but he insisted it was important even though I was willing to say an IOU in a birthday card. This is the kind of husband every woman meets. Money is tight and there is a lot on his plate, things I just can't do to help but all that stress melts away in bed with him. I don't lay there like a cold fish, but am very active in the participation and all is well.

So as far as the husband not helping, he may not really know what to do, other than drown out the focus of his miserable life that he figures there are no solutions to and video games is his choice, others take drugs, or drink to forget a miserable life. He, like you do not see any way out of your not so good living situation, tight budget etc. This is where it helps to go for counseling until you have learned to have some good communication tools and have figured out how to talk out situations and do some problem solving. Once you've got it down, you won't need a lifetime of seeing a counselor. But I highly recommend that, not just you going for therapy because you tell a psychologist that you feel depressed. If a counselor hasn't been trained to use CBT cognitive behavioral therapy which looks for ways to help a patient first that do not include medicine since 90% of people actually do not require meds and that is why they aren't getting the help they need. You don't need a personal depression counselor, you both need a regular counselor or marriage counselor to help you see a way out of the mess your lives are in right now.


If the husband is totally against reaching out for help or willing to work with you to make some changes, and switch thing s, then you are going to be always miserable and since kids learn by observing their parents, your child will learn a very distorted outlook on life. I did say I wish I had left the ex earlier and its because of the kids growing up watching him verbally abuse me. He yelled at them sometimes but his issue wasn't mentally with kids, he has some mental illness where he believed that any woman in his life would eventually leave him and so if one wasn't leaving him, he would treat them so bad that they would and he could self fulfill his prophecides. You can't change a person and if they are unwilling to recognize they have the issue and need to change, then sometimes the best thing is to separate and then divorce if he doesn't get serious about helping and getting professional help once you separate.
Having to take that step will involve a whole slew of other advice best gotten again from a therapist and your side of the family.

I hope its not too late for him. And don't be afraid to do what you have to do. This is not a failure on your part. I was 20 when I married and compared to what I know now, I really knew little back then. You are doing a step better than me, recognizing this can't go on, whereas I tried to find ways to muddle through and took the stress along with the physical problems. It wasn't until later in life when I asked myself if I could take the same without any improvement for another few months, I knew I could, for a year, well, I don't like it but I could, for 5 years, 10 or rest of my life? At that thought, I began to cry which answered it for me. If I had a partner unwilling to be the other half and take his equal share of responsibily for his own marriage, me and the kids, then he broke his marriage vows and would continue to do so and I was off the hook as far as vows and God are concerned, so I was told.

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I am from Cuba


So I'm currently eleven and i just started middle school 5 weeks ago. I had a friend in the beginning of 5th grade last year who was really sweet and nice. We grew apart and i'm friends with one of her other friends. She's popular now and really nice but I just don't know how to go about being friends with her again. I don't want to seem too pushy. How should I do this?

Think back to last year then and what you had in common. Those are good things to invite her to hang out with you to do together. If the reason you grew apart is that you had little in common, then its not going to work well if the friends she has now are better suited for her. If you think you only want to be considered her friend because she is popular now, thats not a good enough reason to be friends.

If you are sure you want to try for starting up your friendship again, then just walk up to her, greet her by name and ask how she has been doing Then ask her to hang out with you doing something she used to like. She may have changed and have different interests. At this age thru college even, a person changes interests and matures in areas so you'd have to find out by asking what things she is into now, like favorite movies, favorite music/bands and so on.

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I’ll be using fake names to make the story easier for everyone to understand. So I have a male friend named Bob who I became very close to and considered a brother. He trusted me with a secret about sleeping with one of my friends lets name her Sally. I swore to him I wouldn’t tell anyone.
I have two other friends we can name Jane and Jess. I ended up telling Jane and Jess about Bob sleeping with Sally. Jane ended up telling Sally. Sally went to Bob and told him that I had told Jane and so Bob went off on me saying these very disrespectful things and belittling me. So in an effort to defend me Jane went to talk to Bob to let him know hes the one who messed up. In return Bob ended up exposing me and telling Jane that I had told him that Jane and Jess were both pregnant, something I swore to those 2 I would never tell anyone.
So now all 4 of them hate me and I dont know what to do. I sent a sincere and genuine apology individually to them all except I think Sally blocked me because mine did not deliver. I got no response from anyone. This all went down on Tuesday so im not sure if they just need time to heal or if they’ll ever forgive me but I feel hopeless at this point. I might add that I am in a sorority with these girls so ive been avoiding seeing them. Bob is also in a fraternity that hates me because he told them what I had done.
Do you guys think they’ll ever come around to reaching out? Or am I wasting my time having false hope thinking they just need time? I really wish I could fix this.

I am glad you added the ages, because frankly, the behavior you described had me thinking middle school or high school. Don't worry, I don't think that is terrible, its just something that comes with the territory of people who haven't reached their mid twenties or a bit later. Here's what is really going on and what made you take a decision to do something that really wasn't good at all.

So what it is about is the frontal cortex of the brain is the last thing to mature in a person, long after the body has matured. This means your decision making process is going to be messed up until you grow older. A person can be pretty mature and still screw up. That was me. I was a mature teen but on a few occasions, I made some really dumb decisions. I found the best thing to do is until I was in my late twenties or older, to use an adult I trust as a sounding board. You know if you told an older adult that you were told something in confidence and were thinking of telling your two friends who know the person who told you a secret, ,that you would be told not to do it. The problem is that we can only think about the act and not reason out in our mind the multiple ways there could be repercussions down the road after we take a certain action. You could mention this to friends and that is why you made such a mistake. Look it up on line yourself with the search for 'Frontal lobe in Teens" to get the info. You've said you are sorry but if they realize that not only you but they also are handicapped in decision making until mid 20s or later, maybe that would make a difference.

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Hi ....I am from India. I have known a friend since childhood and studied together stayed in same room for 4yeas. Although during this time we had so many fights, misunderstandings and moments when I felt to completely seprate from her. I don't like some of the things about her behaviour but because both of our families were family friends I continued compromising and may be she too comprised.
Now, college is over and I got job. She called me today and was asking about the firm where I will work. I felt that she too want to work there and if she did I would have to stay together with her bacuse we are family friends(that a typical Indian thing) and I don't want that because I want to stay away from her. I want to ask that is it wrong to think like that for her? It is making me feel confused and hate myself for thinking like that. I feel that I should not think like that and accept her as she is but on the second hand I don't want that....what should I do???

There is nothing wrong with you for feeling forced to be a friend to someone you have never thought of as a friend, have little in common with and just plain can't stand being around this person because there are too many things different about you. You already know this is true. Sure friends may disagree sometimes, so do married couples but the trick is to find people with whom you resonate, people who understand who you are deep inside and you understand them the same. Something is wrong with a friendship match or even a courtship or marriage if the two have too many fights and misunderstandings. I am sad to hear that it is a custom to automatically be expected to be a close friend with someone just because their parents are friends with your parents. This is not good. You are being assigned a person to be friend with regardless of whether the two make good friends.
People can have such a thing as chemistry as I call it, you immediately enjoy being in their presence, feel their energy which feels good, and you both are very interested in what the other has to say. I know how you feel of wanting no contact with her. My husband and I are friendly and helped a homeless woman living out of her car to jump the battery, to get her car restarted, she began to follow us around like a lost dog, she'd drive around to our normal places we'd be, where he works, a church we volunteer for a feeding program for the homeless, our favorite coffee shop to use our computers, where we shop, etc until she finds us or she'll call and hope we answer. We have loaned her money, because we are nice, kind and believe in caring for people who come across our path but neither of us have anything in common with her and when away from her, both of us will say how she is driving us crazy. She calls us her friends but I am not her friend, I only behave friendly. I know how irritating it can be. If I act colder or indifferent to her, she doesn't pick up on it so i am not sure what to tell you. i have the feeling that one day, I will have to face her and spell out what I see the issue being, that we have nothing in common. So I am afraid you may have to do the same some day. There is no easy way to do this. It may put you in a bad place with your parents. When you were a child and that whole family came over, yes I understand being nice and entertaining the other child, like a good hostess. But now that you are an adult, you should be able to choose whom you want for friends, not be told you have to because they are family friends. You may want to talk to the parents too. If you live at home with them, bringing this up might make more trouble for you. They may hear of it eventually if you have that talk with the other girl. I assume she is an adult herself now? She should no longer feel obligated to be your 'friend' either. Let her know that in all these years, you were friends while children because her parents came over to your house. I remember plenty of the same and I never became friends with any of those children, never ever but I treated them with respect as humans should be treated. Its only that some are greedy and expect more than that and want to squeeze it out of you.
Who ever is your Higher Power you believe in, around the world some things are the same and all beliefs talk about how to treat other people. It doesn't say you have to become very close friends with every person you meet. I feel for you because I face the same thing and I am much older as the woman is too, late 50's early 60s. This happens at any age as you can see. So let the girl know how you feel that neither of you are a great match for friendship and it is okay with you if she goes her own way as you plan to do the same.

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Hi. I've been having this problem for a while now, so I figured it was time to ask for help. School just got back into session, and I've begun noticing this issue more and more. I think I'm a perfectionist, and I need help. I have been in gifted classes since third grade, so that might have contributed to it. I'm a straight A student and I am at the near too of my class, but when I get a score back, specifically in reading and math classes, if the score isn't perfect of near perfect I can't help but feeling and calling myself stupid. I feel like a always have to be perfect, and I can't ever let my guard down. I feel like I can't be last at anything I do, like I always have to be perfect and it's tiring. I've had people tell me to just stop trying so hard, but that's impossible for me. Its like second nature, like perfect is a personality traits for me and I have to uphold it. I always feel like I owe people something, or like I can't show people my emotions. I'm afraid to ask for help sometimes and I'm afraid my own mind is turning me into some kind of robot. I hate it. I don't want to consult a doctor, but I really want to know what's going on. Has anyone gone through similar things or know what I can do to help it? Is there a medical name for what im going through? Is this a type of OCD or is there a specific name for it? Please help!
Thanks!

I am no expert and no one on here is but I had smething in childhood through HS, social anxiety. Instead of trying to overcompensate to be sure I had friends, or impressed people, I did nothing and waited for others to want to befriend me. I have been healed of this and its one of the things a person can learn to overcome on their own without seeing a doctor.

Alater in life, in my thirties, after I overcame the anxiety in my 18th year, I discovered there was still something I had to overcome. In my case, I wasn't afraid to do something different that no one else was doing, fear no longer held me back but my thoughts as I did so were consumed with how other people would see me, what they would be thinking of me, whether they would approve or not, etc. I won't go into how I learned this and the circumstances but If you want to know, just refer to it and ask me in a message written from my column, Dragonflymagic.

I have discovered that people my age 60 and younger and older, still have not learned how to stop worrying about what others think. Most hold back and won't even approach some to talk or ask for help and others like you do the opposite thin, instead of holding back, you overachieve. However it looks to me like the root of both behaviors is wanting to impress people, caring too much about getting your self worth from others. I also had low self esteem when younger. From my past experiences, I still believe in many cases that issues like yours or mine in the past, could also be linked to a self image problem, one of which is related to how we see ourselves, and we are the hardest and most critical of ourselves. I even experienced a short phase of that before overcoming my past issues.

I can say that there is something that might help. I learned what I know about overcoming my past issues by reading books written by a psychologist who used to believe only meds help people. Now he teaches CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy, which is needed because in most people, around 90% they do not needs meds because it isn't a problem with something in the brain, how they were born but rather something called distorted thinking. I believe distorted thinking is what leads to so many of the mental health issues of today, and things like Phobias as well as depression and so on. So I encourage you to check out the website of this Dr. Perhaps you can ask a question as to which of his books would be best for what you battle with, perfectionism. The site is here:

https://feelinggood.com/

Good luck!

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I really like my bf and I know he really likes me too. The problem is, he thinks I’m inconsistent and it bothers him. One day I told him I would eat with him but I ended up sitting with my friend because she had a problem going on. And a few times I’ve fallen asleep before texting him. He believes this is inconsistency but I think it’s coincidence because I’m a pretty consistent person. How can I show him that I can be consistent and how do I make sure he knows I’m not hurting him on purpose?

What you think you are doing is consistency but what he thinks he sees is inconsistency, means that you have to talk and explain what he is seeing. Because be honest, if anyone were doing the same thing to you, you would at least wonder what was up or think they are breaking promises or in consistent.
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I can already see a problem. You promised to sit with him at lunch but a friend going through a bad time needed your company. YOu tell her you will sit with her but have to talk for a minute to your boyfriend. Then you walk over and explain what has come up. If he gets upset, thats on him, not your doing. He is not the great guy you think if he gets angry and won't acknowledge that it is okay that you be there for your friend.

You need to call or text him the moment you wake up and let him know you had fallen asleep so couldn't text, even if you are now texting him at 3 AM. Anyone can lie about it but who would get up at 3AM to text someone just to make their excuse seem more plausible?
While consistency is seen by witnessing the same action over and over whether good or bad, he is misinterpreting what happens and what he sees. He is doing the right thing in watching you close to look for inconsistencies and is doing nothing wrong. Once you explain to him, if he doesn't believe, or give you another chance to talk to him and let him know of changes next time, then he is the problem.

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Hello, I have this friend. She knows my current state right now. I'm actually very lonely, I think it's close to depression because of what is happening into my life right now. I tried to talk eith her once about my problem, I need someone to talk to about it. But then, she just like, shoo itbaway and she just talked about her happy moments right then. And I just said, "okay" Idk what to tell her, I'm really down at that time, and I'm still down just as I wrote this. I didn't talk to her since then, even if she tried to chat/tall with me. I post something recently in IG abt how depressed I am, and there she was, saying that she's missing me. I tried to talk to her again, and yet, she did that again. I'm kind of, "ah okay, she's at it again" She's insensitive. She just ignored how depressed I am, and she just wanted to talk her positive moments again. I just can't be happy anymore like I used to. I even helped her when she was depressed before, even if my patience was running out What should I do? I wanted to cut off our friendship because of that, do you think it's a shallow reason?

Just talking will not help heal you dear. Your friend is not qualified to listen and offer help. She simply knows to instinctively avoid getting herself in that position. It starts with listening and then the depressed person may call on them all the time when they should be seeing a therapist.

I actually have an adult daughter who is like that, stopping me in conversation if anything I say sounds negative, depressing or too sad or what for her. In the world we live in today, it is getting harder to keep a cheery happy feeling inside when we are bombarded by so much nasty stuff. A person like my daughter or your friend may not be denying it exists, they just realize that they are sensitive enough they might pick up on the feelings and take them on themselves. Can't say your friend is like that but my daughter is. She is what is called an Empath. Read up on it on the net to see what I mean. anything feeling or emotional based, their bodies and minds can absorb if they aren't consciously avoiding it. SOme empaths don't know they are that but still out of instinct because some things make them feel worse, they avoid it.
I know plenty of people feel a therapist is useless and I am not a professional either but have had instances in my life with family members with depression and I can share what little I know so it can give you hope that there may be a life for you free of depression. I don't know if you've always been depressed or if it was a one time situation you couldn't handle mentally and since then you've been depressed but the latter is one you can recover from on your own. If its clinical depression, you will probably require meds but you can still help the situation not be as severe by following a list of things I will show you to do. From the story you told, of things happening now and and thats why you feel this way. I call it situational depression, the kind you can recover from. If you earnestly work at it, there should be immediate results you can feel. What I share with you is stuff I learned on the internet and tried myself when a situation made me feel depressed. So when my now grown daughter had her first boyfriend dump her, she ended up in depression. So she used her one free visit through her job, to a therapist to reach out for help. I'd told her what to do but hey, I'm just Mom, what do I know. Yet when she saw the Dr. and he realized she couldn't afford to come back and also that hers was a situation based depression, he gave her a list of the very same things I will be sharing with you. She came to me amazed and showed me the list from the Dr. I am adding one thing not on his list and that is hugging because it also has the same healing effect.

Starting with hugging, I am talking about not the barely pat on the back without bodies touching but the total enveloping bear hug that last more than 3 or 4 seconds but at least 30 seconds to a full minute. Nice thing about this therapy is you can't give one and not get one. People end hugs like this too soon, when they start feeling uncomfortable but that is the point to get past and that feeling goes away to be replaced by a happy giddy feeling. This is how I pretty much give hugs now. What happens when you do the hugs or any of the other things I will mention is that the storage reserve of feel good hormones that your body naturally creates has run very low or been totally used up and when we are not doing things that help encourage the growth of new replenishing feel good hormones for your brain, then you will feel depressed and the word depressed also means low such as when we say an area has economic hardships or it is a depressed region. So the word simply means the levels are low or totally used up. In clinical depression, no matter what a person does, it doesn't really help much to build up the feel good hormones if at all so thats when meds are prescribed. From what you said, it doesn't sound like you have had this for years and years. So try the hugs. You won't feel like doing it and this is when you have to force yourself at first to do any of the following.

Movement: This can be running or jogging, or dance, any movement as it will release new feel good hormones inside of you that you should be able to feel right away. Now I am grandma age but I didn't care how silly I looked so I decided to try skipping like I did as a kid. It was harder now that I am older but for the brief bit I did it, I felt giddy and laughter bubbled up in me and I was giggling for quite a while after. Once those good feelings take hold, you no longer care what anyone thinks of you.

Music: I have found in the past that I have favorite songs which when listening to the melody, even when feeling good, it still affects me deep inside, My heart feels light like a helium filled balloon. I am not talking of the lyrics or words but just a melody that makes you feel great, feel strong, feel triumphant, etc...good feelings. I will give my own example, One of these songs that do it for me is Clocks by Coldplay. Not the words, but the melody, and I will put it on repeat and listen to it around 3 times and I feel a bit better after that.

Singing: This is plain and simple, just singing along to your favorite songs. Yes, I know you don't feel like it at first but it is important.

Laughter: Find reasons to laugh. Laughter is good medicine for a reason. It helps raise these low levels. So watch your favorite comedies, get on the net and find comedy acts to watch. Talking about the hard belly ache laughter here.

These methods work to raise the levels of your feel good hormones but they are also a good practice to use often when feeling good. This would be like topping off the gas tank when there is still fuel left. So I now incorporate all of this into my life and I have never run dry and felt depressed since. Our bodies were created to be able to handle the not so nice things that happen to us in life, that can't be avoided sometimes, and in our brain our neuro transmitters need to be able to work and do their job properly, releasing the feel good hormones when ever you face something stressful. The way the world is now, its stressful just attending school, driving to work for starters. If most days have some level of stress, then you need to be refilling, refueling so to speak on a daily basis. Once you have snapped out of depression, then you can clearly evaluate your friend on more than just this one point to see if this is a person is worth being around. I would guess she is because what she chooses to talk about are positive moments. Maybe she restricts in to herself. But if you aren't full of your own positive moments to dwell on, then look around for other people involved in postive things. You might want to avoid watching the news as it is nothing but negative stuff. If you want to watch something that will raise your spirits, I suggest watching a free show on Facebook hosted by Mike Rowe of 'Dirty Jobs' fame. It is called Returning the Favor and high lights the work of ordinary people doing extraordinary things to help affect a difference in some area of their neighborhood, from hand made soaps for the homeless shelters, to camps for veterans and their families, to classroom supplies in a warehouse for teachers, to food banks, or cooked meals taken to first responders at a crisis like a big fire and the list goes on. Its all volunteer and donations or people putting in their own money so they are usually given exactly what they need plus money, even if the need is a new vehicle or repairing a roof. Here is the link in case you want to check it out, I hope you do:

https://www.facebook.com/ReturningTheFavor

Good luck dear. And I would sincerely like to hear back from you in the future to see how well this works for you. If it doesn't help at all, you would need to be a psychologist.

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My daughter died last year, she was my best friend. My husband is in late stages of dementia. When he dies, I intend to commit suicide - I have no other family and I love them both so much I want to be with them. What is the quickest, least messy way. I am thinking sleeping pills and diazepam.

I am so sorry to hear of your loss dear. I have three grown daughters and it just doesnt seem right that one precedes you in death, but that is life.

I doubt you'd find anyone on here who would give any ideas of how to kill oneself. I can't say under the right circumstances I wouldn't either but I would try other avenues first where although I miss them, I would be kept busy in rewarding volunteering options. I have thought this part through and know that once cleared on background, a hospital will allow you to come in and show attention to and hold premies and drug addicted babies to give them the much needed attention and love they need to survive. I would do that. Also, if a grade school could use a volunteer in any way, I'd probably try that too. I also seriously belies I'd advertise for Rent a Grandma in hopes that I find a family I can bond with, kids who have no living grandma and parents who want their kids to have one. I can see the right combo occuring where we all adopt each other. Its things like this that would give some purpose to life again, even if they were not blood relations. I know I would work real hard at some option like this before attempting to end my life. I just hope you would do the same. Best wishes.

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A friend I don't get to see very often has been going through a really rough time. Her best friend just died a couple of months ago. She told me that, before her friend passed, she and her boyfriend were having sex pretty regularly, a couple times a week. They've been dating for a few years, and went through a rough patch in the spring, but otherwise must have been doing okay, until this. She told me that he wanted to have sex one night, and they must have already started, and he was asking her whether she wanted to continue or not. She said that she shrugged at him a couple of times, that she cried, and he just kept going til he finished.

She didn't tell me whether he knew she was crying, and she never gave him a clear answer. Afterwards, his excuse was that she "never said no," but she says "I never said yes." She told me it just made her feel bad so she stopped trying to talk about it with him, and she's felt numbed out ever since, losing sleep thinking she overreacted about it.

I think this was really wrong on his part and there needs to be a very serious discussion, or she needs to leave. My other friend thinks they're both at fault because they didn't communicate clearly. It makes me angry that this happened at all, but my other friend thinking the friend in question is at fault makes me even angrier. She it followed up by telling me there's nothing I can do about it.

Is this clearly rape, or is the "poor communication" excuse valid? What advice can I give my effected friend?

This will be long, two pages worth but it is necessary to go over all of it to keep from doing the wrong thing.
will address comments you made from the start.
So it was her best friend that passed, not his. It is her that is grieving, not him. Unless he has had opportunity in his life to grieve the passing of someone, he won't know what it is like. A person can be pretty much like a person with depression, because anything traumatic like this will use up the reserves of 'feel good hormones' in their brain and run them low or dry. That is what happens to a depressed person, those levels run low or out and depressed is another word meaning “lower than normal'. So how do you think a depressed woman is going to act concerning anything, eating, cooking, cleaning house, work, school, sex? The attention is not going to be there, Neither will the desire to do anything at all.
You also said sex was good Before her friend passed. You did not state anything happened to him that was traumatic like this, so the only change that could possibly have changed things was on her part. And that would mean the death of a friend.

Next you state that “he was asking her whether she wanted to continue or not.” I would assume this was asked at the point of kissing and caressing, foreplay. This shows a level of caring. If he didn't he would not have asked. Do you honestly think a rapist asks for permission before he takes a woman by force? No! There is no such thing as a polite rapist.

Next “She said that she shrugged at him a couple of times “ A shrug is not an answer to his question. Sorry to have to tell you this, but if your girl friend did not feel like having sex she should have said yes or no and also explained why. Put it this way, if your sex partner shrugged at you and didn't seem in to sex after you hadn't wanted sex for a while after a bad event in his life that doesn't include you. wouldn't you think that perhaps he was no longer interested in you and just wasn't telling you. You'd probably be worried about losing him, and realize there hasn't been much sex lately so even though he neither says yes or no, you proceed and have your way with him, hoping this would make your bond tighter, and you don't pick up on the signs he isn't into it.

The next piece is what I think got to you: “that she cried, and he just kept going til he finished. “ She doesn't even know if he saw her tears. It could be really bad lack of experience because from my experiences in life, the moment there are tears, it really affects a guy and stops him in his tracks, it seems to be a male instinct to know what is wrong and ask. Males know that females tend to cry for all sorts of reasons, even happiness but it frankly scares the heck out of them. So if a guy knows he is going something like breaking up that will produce fits of crying, he is more likely to avoid telling her and just stop calling or talking to her, no explanation and she is left wondering what happened. I am more inclined to think he did not see her tears, and it was probably silent crying cus if she were bawling and sobbing with her body shaking with sobs and snot running out of her nose, you bet a half way decent guy would be bothered by that, stop and ask what is wrong.

The words alone make him sound very callous, not caring how she feels. Tears and shrugs don't convery anything to a man and a young man has even less world experience with relationships so he may not in his heart mean to hurt her. He simply interpreted her shrugs the way I would have, that it doesn't matter to me if we stop or go ahead. Now my husband would s top right there and ask me what is wrong. This boyfriend did not. It may not be the problem you think it is. It may mean they are truly mismatched as a couple. He may love her, but as I found out with an ex husband, simply feeling love is knowing some basics about me and loving a few aspects of my character but it ends there and that is not enough for most people in the long run, eventually, the spark goes missing and a relationship like that ends. The other is being 'in love' which differs from just loving someone in that a person in love, will know everything about their partner, their facial expressionss and body language easily translated correctly, and can see and read thoughts just by looking at their eyes, This is a deep knowing that most people want but never experience but I was blessed enough to find in a second husband. I remember the one time he touched me in a way in public that embarassed me and later that day when he made overtures towards me, that event came back and I cried. Oh My God, he reacted with concern so quickly and earnestly wanted to know if he had done something or if it was something else. I told him I love that same attention in private but not in public
. He promised it would never happen again but the point here is, he was that concerned about my welfare and how I was feeling emotionally. Also, I did not shrug and hold anger against him, I actually explained in many words how it bothered me. If I had shrugged only, my husband would have felt frustrated, not known and repeated the action in public that bothered me. Communication must go both ways.

I have heard of a few wives who said NO to their husbands whether for a good reason or not and he ignored and forced sex on them. And they won it because they had said No. In your friends case, she did not say anything. His only crime is not being a psychologist which would also be the .same for you. So neither of you could recognize that her behavior and tears are a silent plea for help. However she needs to be willing to respond to help, help that neither you nor the boyfriend are qualified to give. She needs to be back together emotionally before she can be there for her boyfriend and the two of them work out whatever they need to or decide to split. But she can't make any decisions like that until she sees a counselor and is helped through grieving therapy. She also could benefit in some training on how to communicate and tips on that. So if you are a good friend to her, you will not suggest calling this rape as it will not help her go thru grieving fully and correctly and heal from it. It will only cause more problems with any guy she gets together with after him and a non guilty man gets a jail sentence. So now two people are hurting and neither has a chance of recovering from it.
The best thing to do is suggest she see a mental health counselor for what she is going through. I have done so once in my life, one of my daughters actually did the same. It helps to have an outside person
hear the issue, ask the right questions to get answers and again, your friend will not get away with tears or shrugs with a counselor. They don't respond to the theatrics of emotions but deal with the facts. If your friend really wants to get better, she will be truthful and willing to share how she, feels, what she really did or said if anything. If she doesn't believe you, you have permission to share this with her.

I am not trying to side with one person over another here. She may feel I am biased and will stick up for the boyfriend. His duty is also to learn what he can from books on relationships, on sex and satisfying a woman, and books on communication alone and to do this, he has to be willing to admit there is room for improvement. Schooling doesn't stop after HS or college, we learn new stuff our entire life long and I can say I am still learning things, not so much what is in college books but the things that affect daily life, learning how to understand others better and so on. Hope this has helped you. If there is much missing from what you passed on to me, feel free to write me back from my column and share so I can revise what I have answered. I have answered based only on what you shared.

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Um, so, I'm 15 and currently in the first year of highschool. I always checked online about university scholarship so I can just apply for it and stuff like that. But then I stuck on a website that hands over a scholarship, but it's not for university instead it's a scholarship for highschool. So if I apply for that scholarship, and everything goes well, I'll repeat my first year in a compeletely new school, but it's free tuition. There's some reasons why I feel some doubts in applying. First, I'll be away from my parents cause it's like in a different state and I know they wouldn't let me apply easily cause I get sick often and my parents can be a little overprotective somehow. Secondly, in the requirement column they said it's for students who has a good academic records. And it's not like I'm stupid, but it's not like I'm smart either. I guess my records were only in the state of "OK". And I'm more good in non academical subjects like art and literature. I'm afraid I would look dumb in the entry test. Well, I'm certain I'll look dumb while taking the tests. There's like a huge differences in my math and art score. And I don't know if I'm really suited for this? And the last thing is that even though the tuition is free, I still have to pay the dorm and the extracullicular events. And I don't know if my parents would be able to take that, since it's such a expensive school, I know they'll have crazy yearly activity like going to other countries for all of the students or stuff like that. Even though that the scholarship it self has paid such a huge money for monthly tuition, still I don't know if I should take this chance. I feel stupid, really, but for once I just wanted to do something different from anybody else and just go out from my comfort zone, I think. I don't know, does that sound childish? Well, I am somehow late in puberty so yeah :) I'm hope I don't use any mean words in this and any advice is welcome.

I don't understand why you think you need a scholarship for HS. I have never heard of it. Its college where it counts having a scholarship. If you are the average student, as you said, you will not be considered possibly for even college scholarships if you were interested. Until you are 18, you are a minor and under your parents care. You are not thinking this out, being away in another state, needing health care, and your parents are to do this all long distance and pay out of pocket for you to have a place to stay. Now if you said they won the lottery yesterday, then maybe they could swing it. Otherwise, if I were you, I would attend the local HS and think about what I want to do after I graduate. Before you think college for a white collar job and all the tuition that takes, forget getting a scholarship because chances are slight and if it happens great but don't count on it. Count on having to pay back all your tuition after you graduate and the cost of Universityes has risen higher and faster than anything else in the entire world. The cost of car, houses, rent, food, any thing, has not risen as high as getting college degrees. SO unless you have a burning desire to be a doctor, nurse, psychologist, lawyer or anything of that sort, you might consider a job to b ring in income without having a giant school loan to pay back. both my daughter and husbands from another marriage got their degrees and neither one is working in the field they got a degree in. My daughter was in medical field and though I have heard it said its the fastest growing job opportunity with needs of many positions to fill, apparently it is an outright lie or stretch of the truth or it may apply only to one state, not all 50. A blue collar job can pay the bills and if you decide after working a while this way that you really know what you want to do, lets say since you are more artistically inclined as am I or one of my kids, you may want to bring in money from a job while working on your art or whatever in your spare time, and see if you can make a name for yourself. If painting, and you end up in galleries with items selling to the rich who can afford it and it happens often enough, then you can quit your blue collar job and focus full time on expanding your art. I know that over the next few years, you will be pushed and prodder towards focusing on an expensive 4 yr college. Why pay a high tuition afterwards when there is a lack of job positions available and payments needing to be made on school loan. Most school loans are being paid off by folks taking on whatever job they can get, Taxi driver, delivery driver, salesperson, daycare worker, coffee barista, etc. all to pay off a loan for a job you never could get. Its a racket. If you want a clear perspective of the other options, then I suggest you watch the following video of interview with Mike Rowe actor of Dirty Jobs fame, who has a foundation to help people get through the shorter term college for blue collar jobs. Here it is:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qzKzu86Agg0

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I met this guy on bumble. He is 32 and I’m 27. He is a successful man a ceo of a company and has many employees. I drove to his house to meet him when we got there we small talked and then decided to smoke in his room we both then smoked I laid down on his bed. We are just talking about life about each other. He talked to me about how I was the first girl he met on bumble and he was in a relationship for 6 years but it wasn’t going the way they wanted. They went their separate ways. Then I know we are cuddling talking about which restaurant we should go out for dinner to. After this I made the first move and kissed him and then he kissed me back and then was on top of me then he tried taking my pants off and I told him no “we can’t” and he said okay got off of me and then laid next to me and his pants we’re off so I got up and then sucked his dick for a little while. After he was like wow thank you then goes I know exactly where we should go to dinner. We then decided to go to a tai place near by and he drives. We get to the restaurant basically tells me order whatever you want. We drank water so we were drinking. Talked about family life he has a dog whatever. He pays the bill without looking at the bill then we leave. He tells me he needs to run some errands and he needs to pick up his meal prep and then he had to go to the grocery store. Drives my to my car at his house we kind of half hugged and awkwardly kissed. He told me he’s busy during the week but flexible during the weeeknd. then I went home. I texted him I was home and he said glad you made it home safely I told him I had fun and he agreed with me he did too. I then said goodnight to him and he said goodnight then my name and that was it. This was Sunday it’s Tuesday I know it’s soon but I don’t know if he likes me or not. I can’t tell if he was just being nice and said he had a good time. I didn’t know if he was trying to send me on my way after dinner or what. I enjoyed my time and I think he did too but I don’t know! Do I text him Thursday or Friday asking how his week was? We were also talking about a toy about his dog and I found it on the website and I want to send him the link and he like this is what I’m talking about! Need some advice people ! He is a ceo if a major company so I’m trying to tell myself he has meetings all day he has this all day that I’m not a priority. Thank you so much.

There's always an exception to the rule but what your friends said is generally how things go. I am sure some things are different now than when I was your age. I am 60 but ten years ago, I was divorced and had been on dating sites the kind that have more information about the person besides their photo. So I would think some things remain the same and at least ten years ago, it was still true, at least for me. I learned from an abusive first marriage that it doesn't matter how handsome, hot, sexy, wealthy a guy is, what matters is how he treats me and then beyond that, finding a man who can not only be a lover but my best friend, treat me with respect and unconditional love, not only love a few aspects about me as the ex did, but love all of me, not just the me on the outside, beauty fades as you grow older, he has to be in love with the me inside of me. That is what I learned from a first marriage that went wrong.
Reading what you wrote, I know I would not have laid on a guys bed to talk unless I was very attracted to him and wanted sex even if it did not end up in a permanent relationship. He may have been a gentleman. My second husband was, I had to make the first kiss but that was not in bed, but thanking him for fixing a booklet of mine that was falling apart, one I refered to often. He enjoyed the kiss but still did not press for more.

If what he said is true and he was in a relationship for 6 years, it doesnt take that long to figure out if someone is right for you, that can be figured out in the first couple dates or for those slow to pick up on the clues, maybe 6 months, but not 6 years. So perhaps he is one who is willing to really work things out, not quick to leave or look for other women. As successful as he is, he may be wanting to settle down. A man like that will want to marry most likely unless he has some phobias from parents or other marriages gone wrong. For a wife, he'll want someone as an equal partner, a woman who is fun to be with and can be silly and playful in private but around other corporate eyes, she is refined, tasteful, knows her manners and can hostess parties. Back at home, she is the wildcat in bed. Men with good taste will want the woman who is able to present the public image, just as a Presidents wife has to, showing nothing of what she is like with her husband in private.
Men are always ready and willing for sex. I have no idea how much he has been after you, wanting to talk to you on phone, in person, do general things together, go on dates, and so on. Sex is just icing on the cake. As I said, sometimes a woman has to make the first move if the man has been seeing her over a period of several dates, days and hasn't even kissed her. See, once I kissed my now husband, I still had to make the first move again to have sex. But once I started it, there was no holding back, he was a wild one in bed and a great lover and he would initiate as long as he knew I was ready for that. You don't know if your guy was just being a gentleman. If he wasn't, then making the first move may have sent the message that you are not as much into a real relationship, but rather just after a sex partner. And yes, he will oblige you and call when he is horny again, and because he's a nice guy, will do a little of other stuff together with you. But I can't say without knowing him as a person that you sent the wrong message to him. I was 50 when dating my husband but our dating was long conversations on the most part and not really going on dates. He had a teenage daughter living with him so consider that a chaperone at his place where we spent lots of time. I had met him once before, saw each other briefly in passing during work day and spent a week on the phone every night for hours before the day that I had sex with him. For me, it wasn't about proving anything to him, or to scratch a sexual itch, but I simply wanted to get a feel if we were going to be compatible, would he be a considerate lover...and so on. So I am no prude dear. Been there and evaluated each situation and guy differently as there were some I never got to the point of even being curious about sex with them. The only way to know if this can be repaired is to have a good an honest talk. Are you wanting to marry someday, ready to do so? Do you want children some day soon, what are your beliefs religion wise if any, your ethics and morals, how do each of you feel about the environment and mother earth, there are so many things you can spend time talking about. As I said, 4 hours each night for a week of going through all this stuff that has to be said, was enough to get to know what the other claims to be. Then spending time together to see if they are consistantly what they said they are. Inconsistency means, you better look for someone else.
If it were me, I would say I was not normally that forward with a male but when with him, I felt so comfortable as if we'd known each other much longer than we really did. I would then say, I don't mean to scare you but I am dating to find the man I want to marry and want a man who is also looking for a wife. I wasn't young but if I was I would say, I also know I want to have children. At 27, I don't want to wait once I find the man I want to be with the rest of my life. So tell me where you stand on the things I mentioned.
Those two really need to be shared at the start because women have dated men for 10 years with no proposal though they have hinted, all for nothing because the guys stance is to not marry ever. Then there are married women wanting their first child and now, too late they find out that their husband doesn't want children ever. Maybe he came from a big family and doesn't want to repeat that. Maybe he enjoys having the freedom and not being tied down with kids, may be he feels the world is overpopulated, what ever the excuse, he is likely not to change his mind. These are reasons for couples splitting up so this is serious stuff, more serious than sending the wrong message with having sex and appearing to be too easy. If its only the fact that he looks decent but more importantly is a wealthy man that has you interested, sooner or later he will figure that out and dump you if you are not truly in love with him but in love with his money. If a man doesn't care and takes on a gold digger for a wife, you can count on him not remaining true to you either and having other women on the side, others who will take any scraps of attention from a wealthy powerful man. If he is more of a down to earth guy who accidently stumbled onto something that made him rich, he will still be a humble man beneath it all. I'll read that no matter how much the actor Keanu Reeves, has, he is happier driving an older car, even a working junky looking one than spending all his money on fancy ones like a Ferrari. He isn't into the status stuff. If your guy is like this, and you are too, he needs to know this. He may try to spend money on you but if you are happy just being with him and basic needs met, the right man will consider you a jewel. My husband isn't rich, but he listens to me and knows what is important to me, things I like to collect and so on. One day he wanted to drag me to the Hobby store to show me something. He wanted to know if I liked it. Got it wrong that time but most times he gets it right. He even brings home stuff from a grocery store trip that were not necessary but he knows I like, as in today he told me he bought my favorite yogurt and got me a bag of potato chips which I like to indulge in but can't eat as often as I used to. It gave me such a warm fuzzy feeling that he was thinking of me to get items he knew I liked. I would feel the same if it was an emerald ring but we don't have that kind of money, if he did, I still wouldn't allow him to spend money on me left and right, rather encouraging making donations to organizations in need of support. So you need to talk, find out what is most important in life to you both. Good luck.

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i love babys
I like them when they laughing and playing with me
But when they make a loud sound and crying i hate them and i just want to throw away them.
What should i do?can i be a good father in the future??? Will my baby love me?

I don't know what your father was like but try to use your imagination. lets say your Dad loved babies too as long as they were smiling, laughing, gurgling and playing quietly. then the moment you cried because you were in pain cus you had sores on your butt from the last poop and it was really burning, Dad only knew he hated the crying and wanted it to stop and so it has been documented that some parents, both mom and dad who couldn't handle the crying, would flip out and do something really drastic, like choke the baby to death, or wrap in a blanket and place in a garbage dumpster, etc.

Now would you even have been able to have your current life, if your father had acted in such ways to your crying over diaper rash, teething pains or gas in the tummy? The answer is no. If this is the first child, it is strange new territory and quite frightening to have such a little life totally dependent on you.

The reason babies were created able to cry is because they can't speak yet to let you know something is wrong. Even when they start a rudimentary language, they still don't have enough words to let you know what is wrong. Or maybe they can talk but don't know that a symptom you can't know about, should be told to a parent such as when a daughter was 5, and acting sick and we thought maybe a virus or flu and she got worse to the point she had a raging fever, the only symptom we could learn for ourselves and took her to Dr. who discovered a very bad bladder infection.
Then there is babies spitting up, and they can't control it, I had a first child whom the Dr. said had projectile vomiting caused by gulping too much air down as they drank milk as a baby, the air trapped beneath the milk in their tummies made it come shooting out and it could go quite far. No, it was not pleasant and trapped air could make the child fuss. I learned to only give a tiny bit of milk and then burp the baby by patting the back til I got a burp and then continued, not stopping once to get a burp half way through but more like 6 times or so. It made the feeding process more of a hassle but as she got older, this problem disappeared It is stuff like this that is the not so nice and easy stuff about being a parent.
You say you may love babies and i beleive you do. However I need to ask you if you know about conditional love and unconditional love. It starts at the beginning of any relationship, not 5 years or more down the road. this applies as well to couple relationship as it does to parent/children.

Conditional love would be what you are talking about, the conditions being that you will feel love and treat the child lovingly as long as they are happy and smiling. Unconditional love means that no matter what they do, laugh cry drool, poop, play, you love them and don't lose patience with them, you understand they have a need and just need your help. Some kids will cry and not go to sleep if a parents always holds them til them fall asleep and the parent is at fault for training them to only go to sleep this way. Then the parents have to untrain them, by putting the older baby, toddler in their crib and leaving them to learn to fall asleep on their own all while they are screaming their heads off for more than an hour. You peek in to let them see you and tell them its okay and to go to sleep but you dont go in and have to listen to the crying continue. I didn't do that wrong, but when ill for a couple days, I did rock them to sleep in my arms and just a couple days brought on that action from the kid so I have experienced it.

You may have not grown up in a household where you were able to learn the difference in love and know that unconditional love is the kind your child needs from you. If you find you can't do it by sheer willpower, then it is best to go get some counseling, parent counseling and join a parenting group, get a parenting book or two. It helps to talk to others and see your not the only one, that it is normal to get quite frustrated at times, but to not treat the child any worse for what is normal for them, crying to communicate they don't like something or are hungry wet or hurting. I watched a granddaughter who half way through, woke up crying, I tried the bottle, checking the diaper which was try, patting her back for possible trapped air and she continued to cry. In the end, she was still wearing a sleeper and bundled in a blanket from early morning when it was still colder in the house and as I took her out of the blanket and her jammies to put on regular clothes, I discovered she was hot and sweaty. She was only crying to let me know she was too hot and it was the only way she could communicate that and experienced as I was, I still didn't think of it. You get to become a sleuth, a regular Sherlock Holmes and try to figure out the mystery of why a baby is crying. Other than a way older child being spoiled and trained by repeated experiences the wrong behavior, a child always has a good reason to cry, and sometimes its as simple as they are tired but want to stay up and not miss anything like the parents can do. I did that as a kid, wanting to stay up long after I was tired and so when tired, a child gets cranky or cries.

Yes you can be a good father, not in the future, but now when your child needs you. But that means you need to do more than confess to me, on line here and reach out in your community for support and help and be willing to learn. If you aren't willing to ask and learn, then no, you will not be a good parent, raise a kid messed up by your parenting mistakes and a possible future involved with child protective servics as a worst case scenerio. I will tell you from experience in extended family of mine, even if a parent has mental health issues, as long as they take parenting classes, see a mental health specialist, get better or stay on needed meds, the CPS is all about getting kids back to their parents, whether mentally ill or not. But as I just shared, parenting classes you are forced to attend then, or choose to do it now, everyone needs to do this. I took classes, I talked to all mothers. ONe mother of a child older than mine in her sunday school class got to see the same trait, not a good one, in my youngest as she'd had to deal with in her oldest back at the same age. She asked if I would like to know how she had handled it in case it might help. I wasn't too proud, I eagerly accepted her suggestion and the problem disappeared in record time. Babies loved unconditionally, a lot like the family dog loves their master even if they aren't getting the perfect care. As a child grows older and can see for themselves that life for example is much better at all their friends homes, they realize something is wrong at home and they may learn to lose that love. Love is like a bank account where you have to make deposits to be able to expect a withdrawal of 'love'. This is also very true for couple relationships. If you want to be loved but in years time have never put in any love, you won't get love out of your child. Of course, kids don't have fully formed brains able to make the best decisions until they turn about 25 or so. This means they will do things wrong, sometimes willingly and try to do anything to get their way, including yelling at you that they hate you when not getting the cereal or toy they wanted. I never gave in t o this and recognized it as they last tactic to get what they want. I always explained the why we wouldn't give them the toy or whatever they wanted as if explaining to any adult, whether the kids could understand yet. I will leave you with a funny example of this. When we couldn't barely afford more pull ups when potty training and get a toy for daughter, we told her that we did not have enough money to get anything extra if we struggled just to get pull ups. A few days later we drive past a grocery with picketers out in f ront holding their signs. When she asked what the signs were for, we explained as we thought she'd understand and boil it down to basics, told her they wanted more money. She got a bright happy face and turned to her Dad, "Daddy, you could make a sign and hold it and then you can have more money!" She wasn't even in school yet but she understood lack of money. Just didn't understand that her Dad making a sign and joining the picketers would not work as he isn't employed there.

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16 year old female...I began hooking up very young, pretty much as soon as Middle School started and didn't stop. If you'd like to pass judgment, you should understand I grew up in an unstable home and suffered through numerous mental health issues, and my beginning encounters were not completely consensual.

But I never told my mom a thing, and I wasn't honest about it until very soon when I got chlamydia which, for obvious reasons, forced me to be honest. Which I still wasn't-I tell people who ask I've hooked up with 3 and that's what I told the doctor, I spread it out and made one closest (I was honest about my most recent affair). People figure the rest out from rumors and people shit talking. I made it seem like a one time mistake rather than something that I see was inevitably going to happen...

The reason I named a few hookups is to make my lies more realistic, that's what I do with everything. Even therapists and shit. I just can't own up to it. My mom was all sad and shit about how she "missed my first kiss" ... when I was 13 I acted like I had my first kiss with a kid I was seeing. I reminded her of that, but I guess she didn't remember.

I've had a big wakeup call getting an STD and knowing this one is curable, a lot worse could've happened. I got every recent candidate to go get tested. I'm already known as the easy, slutty girl but maybe that will change. It's not that I'm a sex addict, I'm an attention addict.

I'm just asking, even for those of you who don't have problematic sex lives... should I come clean and honest?

When you mention an unstable home, my mind can only guess what that really is spelled out: dysfunctional, a parent who is a drunk, on street drugs, too busy for you and ignores you and/or being sexually abused by a parent.

It sucks that there isn't a really good system for help of teens with a very bad home to go to. Anything else is better. You said you are an attention addict. I do know that kids who have a home where they are not given any attention are verbally abused, their needs not taken care of such as food, clothes, etc, will begin to do one of two things, one being what you do, start sex early and try to find the love you are missing from parents at home, in sexual relationships. Unfortunately at that age, males are not ready to get into a real love relationship and equate love with lust. The experience of sex for them is a stronger want than anything else. But as you said, you are getting attention.
The other neglected, un loved kids, try to find this love not from boys but at friends homes. My niece has now graduated but most of her HS days, one of her girlfriends spent more time at my sisters house than at home. She was treated as another daughter with attention care and love. She also went couch surfing at other friends homes. She finally confided in my sister that when younger and Mom was around, the home was already dysfuntional. When Mom died or left, it was only Dad and he began to sexually abuse her as a teen. She did not want that happening so the only time she went home is when her Dad was at work for change of clothes and such, otherwise she ate at all her friends homes. This is what she did until she became an adult at 18 and could choose what she wanted to do with her life. Well, there is one worse option, just leaving home to live on the streets because due to how bad home was, the streets to them was better.

Now about coming clean, telling all the truth, of why you started doing this in the first place, I can't say it can all be blamed on mental health issues. If there is no mental illness at all, then your behavior and symptoms may be seen as part of mental illness by a therapist. It may be a good thing to start at the beginning, what home life is like and when you first started and then all the stories after. You don't share this with just any old therapist but with one you finally meet where you feel a connection with them, you trust them, feel they care about you and you know you can share, not for the sake of sharing to tickle their ears, but to actually get better. The best way I know of is called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT and any therapist, counselor, Psychologist who has those intials after their name, is a person who knows how to try working through and undoing some distorted thinking and seeing if a person gets better. even Depression can be healed this way for 90 % of people. Only a very few actually need meds because they have a true mental medical condition that nothing else will help first. I am sharing this so that you know you can ask for someone else if you don't feel close enough to click with your therapist to the point you want to trust them. And you might just keep asking any adult you come across, that you want help from someone licensed and good at CBT.

When minds are forming as you grow up, certain traumatic things in childhood will affect the growing brain and it is no surprise that your mind will do what it has to do to cope. I know this from my own life. Although I was brought up in a l oving home, I married a man at age 20 who fooled my family and me...we thought he was a good man. He wasn't. From as soon as a month after the wedding, he began to verbally abuse me and did so every day, 24/7 for the 30 years I stayed with him. I had a normal mind, not twisted by bad childhood, but still the mind came up with its own way of coping when he went into a tirade, yelling at me, verbally cutting me down, etc. I began to go elsewhere in my mind. I no longer saw him or heard a word he said. I got so used to doing it that I automatically began to do it at times I did not need to. So after a divorce, a friend who used to be a counselor in the army pointed out to me my coping mechanism and how they could see my mind going eleswhere when they were talking to me. Just know that what ever it is that you are coping with, real mental health disease or just the symptoms of them caused by your upbringing and home life, you need a therapist who doesn't believe that giving meds is the answer to all patients they see.
When you are with the right Dr. you will feel ready and good about sharing. So as I am saying, sharing is good and coming clean, but only with the right Dr for you.

My guess is that until the mental needs you have are taken care of properly with the right Dr. for you, that choosing what you do sexually is not going to change. Why? Because I am guessing it might be your coping mechanism and you can't let it go until all your other cares are taken care of. Maybe you will never quit having sex, but you may become selective and search for a long term boyfriend/lover, a guy you can trust to choose only you and not been having sex with other girls behind your back.
If in the future you do get a disease, you don't have to tell the parents, just make an appt with the Family Dr unknown to your parents. There is a law of privacy and confidentially with Drs now over anything of a sexual nature, your sexual parts, the HIPPA act, where you can tell the Dr. you do not want the parents to know and you can still get treatment and no one can tell your parents. If your parents are part of the reason you are the way you are, if I were you, I wouldn't tell them either. In two years you will be considered an adult though and unless going to college and continueing as a student, you will likely not be covered on parents insurance anymore. That means any mental health care, if still needed, will be up to you to cover and that would mean working a job where you have great insurance to cover it. For that reason alone, it is best if you can get 2 years of really good helpful therapy right now because if you are one of the 90% who suffer all sorts of mental conditions, you could be cured in that amount of time easily if you applied yourself to doing what the Dr. asks you to do homework wise, meaning things/actions that help you break free of coping mechanisms and distorted thought patterns.
I am not one to tell you what to do, and am only sharing something I know works because CBT helped me to be cured of extreme social anxieties. I had it as far back as I can recall, preschool age on through HS. It was my last year of HS when I got so fed up with being so uncomfortable and wanted to be more outgoing like my Dad, that I was willing to get help.

So again, to answer your question, yes you should become clean and honest but its wasted words on the wrong Dr. for you. Their personality is as important as what they know. If I do not like a Dr.s personality and can't click with them, I try another Dr. I had no confidence in any of the general medical Drs. in the last clinic I went to so I called insurance and found another clinic with a Dr. I do trust not just because I click with his personality but he says the right things that have me feeling I can trust my medical care in his hands. Sharing your thoughts and hurts and very personal stuff is even harder than a physical problem so you have to be pickier about who you are working with. If You do trust and like your current Dr. then share it all because they need to know what started this all and it goes back to how you were raised, or if any family in history had mental health issues, and may went undiagnosed. It is enough that a therapist gets an idea of their behavior to know that yes there is a mental health issue there but that alone can't define which one or ones they are afflicted with. I had a brother who was schizophrenic, so I have heard some of this stuff along the way.

Don't let anyone tell you that you are a bad person for looking to sex for the love and attention you crave. Humans are created to automatically look out for their basic needs and one is to feel secure and loved and that you are important to someone. Since you came on here in the first place asking your question, I know you won't be stuck in this place for ever. YOu have an inner strength you may not be aware of or that hasn't come to the surface yet enough to be obvious but you are already seeking other opinions and viewpoints so I see a bright future to you dear. Hugs....Dragonfly

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Hey everyone I just need some feed back and advice. My cousin and I are really close she’s younger then me 21 and I’m 27. She was hooking up with a guy who was hooking up with her and other people being shady. She found out was hurt but continued seeing this guy behind my back and behind other friends back. This guy then gets a beautiful girlfriend who I see out at the bar many times. I do not like this guy for the way he treats woman and for the way he treats my cousin. Him and this girl date and the whole time he is with the girlfriend he is hooking up with my cousin. As far as I know now my cousin is not Hooking up with this guy and I saw the girlfriend out Friday night. I was super drunk and could not be fake to her I said hi asked her if she was still dating the guy she said no and I said thank god he sucks he was hooking up with my cousin while you guys were dating. This then got back to my cousin and now she is not talking to me. I apologized it wasn’t my place or my relationship. I was called fake I didn’t defend my family. I’m not sure where to go from here. I’m upset for hurting someone I love. Help advice ? Will this blow over. What should I do i know I’m in the wrong and I feel guilty as heck. Telling her did not make me feel any better it made me feel worse. Thanks guys

Unless the woman who used to date the douche bag knows you very well and thus knows your cousin or is friends with your cousin, there is no way for her to know who your cousin is. I would suspect this is the main reason your cousin is so upset, the embarrassment of this woman who datee him knowing she also did. Unless this is a very small town, I don't understand how the story of what you said got back to her. I suppose you mentioned you were drunk at the time and not able to make a good judgement. If you wanted to say anything at all, all you had to mention is that you know a person who was dating him at the same time she was and all that would confirm for that other woman is that she did the right thing in leaving him. That is what is important after all, not a list of all the women he duped. I had a lesson to learn with men, not quite the same thing as your sis but once I learned to avoid such men, a few came into my life initially, long enough, a couple dates, for me to tell they were trouble and I stopped seeing them. It was for me to know that I had really learned my lesson and it wasn't a fluke that I left the first one, it was truly confidence I gained, knowing I could spot and stay away from bad guys, no matter how hot looking, how wealthy, etc if they were rotten inside. By your story, I would guess there wasn't anything your cousin learned on how to avoid these kinds of guys. So when future douch bags come across her path and show interest, she will fall for them all over again. I just want you to know to expect this until she learns to love herself enough to not subject herself to partnering up with someone like that who doesn't love and respect her. Right now I assume she is confusing lust with love.

YOu also can't tell her you wrote for advice even though there are no real names exchanged and I don't know who you or her are. But she is still a bit young and so afraid of her image rather than learning whatever lesson she has to learn. What you can do is ahare anything I wrote and just say you read it on the internet or a magazine article.

Scientists have proved that the frontal lobe of brain, responsible for things like good judgement calls for example, is not fully done growing until the mid twenties, so it may be a few years before she wises up yet. Just be patient, be there for her to console her and don't offer advice to her unless she asks for it. Most never ask but some are open to it if you ask permission to share first. So you'd say, Hey cous, I may have a bit of insight on how to handle that situation, would you like me to share? If she says no, I know...it practically kills you to know they are going to be hurt again. I have three adult daughters and in most situations, they have answered no, so I can not say anything. You already know what is borderline iffy to do and best avoided but you were drunk, which affects this part of your brain responsible for good judgements. When we can't help t improve the life of someone else, its best to remember the only person we really have control over changing is ourselves. Again, I know how frustrating it is, but at least you are focusing on something good. I have a feeling as you grow in years and experience, you will be a terrific advice giver or life coach. But for that to happen, its best to focus on what you can improve in yourself, no matter how great you already are right now. There is always room to learn more.
Along those lines, if you use Facebook, I am watching videos from a page done by Jay Shetty. His page is about sharing wisdom in all areas of life and teaches the lesson while you watch a short video of the situation acted out. Even though I know half of what he shares, i am still learning more, not necessarily to tweak my own life as I am doing the things he has shared, but to understand how to explain them better to others in a way that makes sense. I encourage you to look him up and from there, you may find links to other pags full of wisdom. Blessings to you.

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My son is getting married next month
I met my future daughtet in law 6 times, met her mother only once, we all seem to get along great, I recently asked my son if his fiancée is having a bridal shower( I live in my, they live in Oregon, I work in the airline business so no problem hopping on a plane to visit them,anyway my son told me the following date of the shower, which is today- sept 14 and it’s also my 60th b day
but my son said it’s going to be a small shower, I asked him any invitations being sent out, he said no, I flew all the way up to Oregon for the shower thinking it’s ok cos I’m the grooms mother, purchased a beautiful shower card along with a $500gift card, spent money on a hotel room, future daughter in law picked me up the shower was held at her sisters house whom I never met, got there today, both mother and sister very cold to me, lots of other guests, big shower, I was nice to all
I found out by another guest that invitations were sent out. I never got one, I wasn’t invited, I was so upset about this, felt I wasn’t even wanted , I took an Uber after 1 hr of being there and went to my hotel, called my son, he didn’t know about the invitations either
Was it right for me to leave, been crying all day
Haven’t heard back from my future daughter in law at all

Oh you poor dear. The heartache you must feel and I'll bet you're not getting the best sleep with this on your mind. Oh and Happy Birthday, I am 60 also and have experienced heartache with oldest daughter, different situation, but I know how it feels. The thing is, there isn't anything I can do to change the situation, she's cut herself off from the entire family, cousins included. It isn't any different for you but I'll explain in a while.

Most Bridals showers I know of have both mothers in attendance, other family if close enough to come like aunts, grandmas and female cousins and then friends. So for you to assume you were invited, invite lost in mail, etc... I understand. You did nothing wrong by showing up.

Now I will share my take on this and what I think is going on. The daughter in law did pick you up at airport and she's had 6 times before to meet you. If you think back, she most likely has been genuinely kind and nice every time. If for some reason she didn't take a liking to you, it would have shown for sure early on. You met the other Mother once and thought you got along well. I am thinking its possible that for some reason, she didn't like you and the one time you met, she simply put on an act.. Since the second time seeing her was the shower, her actions of acting cold tell the story. She does not like you at all. The other daughter is simply supporting and siding with Mom and I don't think she is the problem but if she doesnt have a change of heart, she may become a problem too.

I will share a similar experience I had where someone hated me without a reason. I laarned this lesson early and it was very obvious in my case so that is why I am telling you the story. My sister Valerie had a friend at HS named Rita. She was not friends with Rita's sister Shelly. Shelly was a Junior, I a senior and sis and Rita were Sophomores. I had never met Shelly but everyone in school knew of her from her dance group performing many times through the school year at assemblies. Remember, Shelly and I had never met face to face ever before. When she decided to tag along with Rita and showed up in our backyard, I went out to say Hello to Rita whom I saw often and she was friendly and also to say Hello to Shelly and paid her a compliment on her dancing. She was good. I didn't linger long or try to hang with them but went back to my room. After they had left, my sister came and told me that SHelly had told her that she hated me and told sis to keep me away from her the rest of time she was at our place. Little did I know this. Shelly showed no such expressions on her face. I didn't take it personally because I knew, it was obvious I had done nothing wrong, (same as you) hadn't even met Shelly before and she couldn't stand me at first sight. It doesn't happen often in life but it happens. Most people can avoid someone they meet whom they just don't like. Tf you are honest, there are people in your life that simply being in their presence, grates the wrong way on you. I know it to be true for me, yet I am kind and treat them well, but I don't go out of my way to spend time with them as it would drive me nuts. We have such a person in our life right now, calls us her friends and we have absolutely nothing in common, its all about her and she won't listen to when we have news to shares, actually shushes us or talks over us and so on. With someone like that, it is easy to see why we don't like her but what is the problem when we haven't done anything wrong?

I have an idea. I think that our aura's or energy fields can be felt by others subconsciously. Also everyone has their own body scent, not saying someone stinks but its about no perfumes, lotions, nothing scented, just the natural chemistry and pheremones of a person. These are also able to be picked up on, without another consciously being aware of it. Its like the sweat of a one person so gross you have to hold your breath and move away quickly while another who is dripping in sweat smells like sweat but it is not offending. I am using extremes to explain that. You don't have to be sweaty at all. When I met my 2nd husbands teen daughter over 1o year ago, the first thing she did is come up to greet me with a hug and sniffed at my neck which I found odd at the time but she does this with everyone. She is not subconsciously, but consciously able to pick up on whether a person smells like members of family or not. Animals do this so its no different here. What I am saying is that when there is no reason for someone to take a disliking to you, this is likely the reason.

I am sure the daughter in law knew if her Mom told her, maybe your son knew or he was kept out of the loop by MIL, and told what she wanted him to think, that no invites were sent and the party was to be small.
Then there is always a chance that no matter how bewildered they were and couldn't understand the other mom, if both son and daughter in law knew, they didn't want your feelings hurt and may have discussed not telling you at all about the shower to protect you because they love you. She may have been stuck with a Mom who was planning and paying for the whole thing, maybe a bit of a control freak if she told everyone you were not to be invited and everyone had no backbone to stand up to her. If the other Mom was in charge of invites she may have chosen or told the daughter that she didn't want you there.

The unfortunate thing is, we can't change others so you can't change how she feels about you. By now, you are probably fearing what will happen at the wedding. No worry, I have an idea for you to start practicing now. Even if you don't believe in auras and personal energy fields, just go with it.
Some peoples energy field is closer in to their body while others who are very open and friendly have a field that reaches out quite far and others in your presence will feel it. That is what I believe the other Mom and sis are reacting to. So the solution is to do something so they can't feel it.
When I learned of this, I tried an experiement and it worked. Without telling a friend, I visualized my aura/energy field as a colored bubble or cloud that extended out from me by usually 6 to 10 feet and consentrated on pulling all that energy back inside me so that not even an inch of it was showing outside my body in my imagination. You may think that just visualizing this won't help, but the mind is able to do amazing things and what I pictured doing, actually happened. Because this friend came up to greet me with a hug and immediately pulled back and said, "What's wrong, are you mad at me?" I had not changed the hug, it was an enthusiastic bear hug. I said nothing was wrong but they insisted something was wrong. See, the friend picked up on it. I started laughing at this point and explained what I had done so they didn't really think I was mad at them.

I am thinking that if you do the same thing, pull in all your energy field at the wedding, they won't be able to pick up on it and react to the feel of it. All they can do is remember they didn't like you in the past and choose to act on that. So to know it works for you, spend a couple of days, picturing your energy field that emanate from you looking as whatever you want, this part doesn't matter. Choose someone you have a great close friendship with and just before getting close to them, pull in all your energy and see what the reaction is. Some people may have long ago decided not to listen to their senses or say nothing about what they sense, that doesn't mean it isn't working. Keep doing this until you have someone ask you if you are okay, if somethings wrong, if they did anything wrong, if you are mad, or if you're having a bad day and are moody or cold towards them for no reason. It should be something like that. Of course explain after so they know all is okay. Then with confidence, attend the wedding and use this trick. It may help. If the daughter in laws family can't feel what they reacted to before, like an animal instinct, they may not react this time.

In the future, ask your son and his wife to be honest with you and let you know if there is a problem with someone in the other family not wanting you present for whatever occasion, a birthday,anniversary, Christmas, etc. Let them know if her mom doesn't come around, you'll be happy as long as you can see them. If they go to her Moms for Christmas, then celebrate Christmas separate with them before or after Christmas, maybe New Years. The actual date doesn't matter, its the time spent with family that matters. If you can tweak your mind to accept these things, stuff you really can't change in other, only changing how you think about and process stuff, then you will do well.

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