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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
My girlfriend(22) of 5mths has broken up with me.
We were always so close. I did everything possible for her. Flowers, woodwork projects, poems, etc. She left me finding a porn site on my computer. Nonetheless, this site cant be the only reason she left me. I am going to meet up with her in a couple of days. What should I say to her. What can I say that will melt her heart. What can I say that will make her feel guilty, I said enough sorries. I do strongly believe her mother is behind the whole break up and she is afraid of her mother. We used to IM alot and I know she still has me on her messenger which tells me she is not ready to let me go. I don't want to be harsh with her. But I do want to vent my heart. I love this girl even though she broke up with me. I want her to feel so guilty that she will come back because I believe she is afraid of her mother and therefore has no interaction with me in case her mother finds out. We were very very close. Any advice my dear readers? I want to be with her again and then a smile I once had can once again find its place on my face.
The Answer
You are going about this all wrong.
Loving her and wanting 'revenge' are two completely contradictory ideas.
You say you love her, but you want us to give you advice on how to best 'make her feel guilty'.
Newsflash darling, unless she isn't human, she does feel guilty. She feels awful.
She isn't out there someplace laughing joyously about the breakup. She might even feel just as bad as you.
If you really want her back, forgive her. Let the anger you have over her decision, her mother, whatever, let it go.
Tell her honestly, without judgment or resentment, what you feel and what you think happened. Tell her you want her back; ask what you can do to make it right. Ask her what she thinks you both need to do.
You don't need to apologize anymore, but if you really want a relationship you are the one who needs to sell the idea to her.
Do not try to guilt her into taking you back. That's low, that is scummy, that's controlling. That's the kind of guy I would drag my best friend a county away from and the kind I would forbid my daughter from seeing.
If a guy I dumped tried to make me feel guilty just so I'd take him back that would tell me that I made the right call in dumping him. Because 1.) He wouldn't ne respecting my feelings or decision 2.) He would be deliberately trying to cause me pain and 3.) It would amazingly immature to sink so low as to try and get revenge on me, as though I haven't cried my eyes out over it as well.
Forget revenge. Forget hurting her. If you love her, then love her and hope to God that that is enough to bring her back. It might not be.
But if you just guilt her into taking you back, then you are back together on borrowed time. Sooner or later, she will figure out that you played her and bullied her, and that will be the end.
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The Question
how do you know if ur bi my friend thinks she might be
14/f (shes already gone through puberty)
The Answer
If she wants to kiss girls she might be bi.
Meh.
Honestly, sexuality isn't something you can just figure out over night. Tell your friend not to rush herself, she is still very young. There is plenty of time to pick labels. The important thing to figure out is how to be happy and comfortable with yourself, no matter what your orientation.
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The Question
Okay, so there is this boy that I dated for 9 months, lost my virginity to, and was totally in love with. He broke up with me on Valentine's day and I haven't been quite the same since. I still love him, and he keeps playing with my head and my heart. He said he still loved me and he just needed some time to himself because he's a senior in high school and he's busy, which I understand. But he was busy before, and everything wa fine. We go to different schools, which made things tough, but I think it was worth it.
And I saw him a week ago and he kissed me just like he used to. I mean - it felt like he really loved me, still. So then everything seemed okay and we were talking about getting back together. It seems like every other time we talk, he changes his mind.
So is he actually unsure, or is he just playing me?
Love,
Arlo
The Answer
Does it really matter if he is just unsure or if he playing with you?
Either way, deliberately or not, he isn't being good to you. He is hurting you.
Is he really so awesome that you are willing to ride his emotional roller coaster with him until he maybe, possibly, sort of notices that you are still standing here waiting for him?
Take a step back; stop putting your heart on the line for a guy who isn't willing to take the same risk.
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The Question
Hello,
I am a 14 year old guy...
...I realized I liked my best friend for the 3rd time around Valentine's Day. So, I told her that I liked her, and she said, "No offense, but you need to get over me,". Well, since then, we've barely said a word to each other. My friends have been trying to get her to say something to me, so she did after I gave her a birthday card. I asked her to talk about what had been going on between us, and she said, and I quote,
"Not to be a beyotch, but I just don't feel like talking to you. I don't think we have the connection we used to have,"
After that, I was so upset. I didn't know what do to... I'm still upset, as she now has a boyfriend who is a complete jerk to me. What should I do???
The Answer
Take her advice and get over her.
She isn't interested in you at all. She has been very clear. There is nothing you can do force her to like you; you need to take a step back.
She feels like you've been pressuring her, and you have been, especially if you've been using your friends to try and get her to talk to you. That's kind of like bullying her, no wonder her boyfriend is mean to you.
If you can accept she isn't interested and just be friendly to her, you might be able to be her friend, but if you keep trying harassing her with your 'feelings' or what's going on 'between us', she will only get more upset with you.
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The Question
I'm looking for a new sewing machine and i need some advice on what to get. in school we use Janome i believe and i really like that brand but i cannot find the exact model we have online or at a reasonable price. I want a very good easy to use machine that is full size (not portable) for under or around $100
the main thing im looking for is it is easy to thread like on the Janome ones they have numbers to follow on where to go and what not!
The Answer
I don't really have a particular machine to recommend for you. They are always changing and evolving, but I'll happily share my opinions on brands and buying your first machine.
You really do get what you pay for with sewing machines. You can get some really amazing machines for 300$ or 400$ but it's difficult to find a good one under 100$, especially a non-portable one. If you want a machine that will last for years, I think you really need to consider spending a bit more, maybe in the $150 to $225 range.
Janome's are solid machines and if you are comfortable with one, you will find it pretty easy to learn to use a different model Janome.
As for the other brands, I don't personally like Kenmore's (I have sewing friends who call them sacrilege). Kenmore's are cheep, with good reason.
Janome and Bernina are probably the best brands for beginners in my opinion. Berninas are ridiculously easy to thread and have the clearest instructions imaginable.
Singers aren't so great for beginners, they are wonderful machines and if you become a serious sewer you'll probably want a Singer someday, but they just are not as user friendly as some of the others.
DO NOT buy your machine from Sears or any other department store.
DO buy your machine from a store that specializes in sewing machines and fabrics.
It's worth it to go the experts. If anything goes wrong, a lot of those stores have shops to fix machines right there. They have better relationships with manufacturers and they will have a better relationship with you too.
Well, that’s my half a dozen cents. Good Luck.
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The Question
Hi...I desperatly need a job. I have put my resume in to plenty off places. I need a part time job and I prefer not to work at grocery stores or really popular grocery stores. I live in toronto. Does ANYBODY know of any good recources online or something that can help me? I am great with people and kids...ANY DIEAS?....please help me...??
The Answer
I live in Toronto too. There is no really good job site or job board. It's terrible, most other cities our size have one, but Toronto doesn't. Jobbank.gc.ca is run by the government and has some local jobs but it, but are geared mostly towards adults, not students.
Trust me, I know your frustration well. But you are doing the right thing. Drop off your resume and make sure to follow up with the places you do. Search for day camps or day cares in your area if that is what you want to do. Don't be afraid to apply for jobs that aren't publicized. If you see a place you'd like to work ask them if you can give them a resume, chat them up, learn about them, and always call them back.
Your friends, your parents, your teachers, everybody you know can help you find work! Make sure they all know that you are looking and what you are looking for.
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The Question
Hi,
I’m 25 years old female. I come from Arab Muslim country. I’m suffering from family violence and I’m planning to run away from this hell..Do you think Human Rights Agencies in other countries, Canada for example, will be able to help me in any way?
Thanks.
The Answer
If you had a friend or family member in Canada who would be willing to sponsor you it would make the journey easier.
But first and foremost I think you should contact the nearest Canadian Embassy or Immigration Office and ask them for some guidance, they might be able to put you in contact with a human rights group that specializes in helping woman gain citizenship or refugee status in Canada.
Check here for a list of Canadian Immigration Offices around the world:
http://www.cic.gc.ca/english/offices/missions.html
You might have heard rumors that Canada is easy to get into and *then* to claim refugee status while you are there. Although it might be a little easier then it is in the US, it is getting harder and harder each day. Canadian immigration, because of terrorism and increasing pressure from the US, is getting more rigorous. It takes years, sometimes a decade, to be considered a refugee. In the mean time, if you entered illegally, you can be deported.
Listen to the advice of the Immigration Officer and any group they can connect you with, they will be able to give you better help then I can.
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The Question
how to help teen daughter not to raise her voice to unacceptable levels when we talk.
The Answer
Trying to argue her down probably wont help.
I'm not a parent myself, so take any advice I give with a grain of salt, but my mother was a brilliant woman.
When my bothers raised their voice to my mother she ended the conversation.
Most of the time, it was more important to my brothers that the issue got resolved then it was to my mother, so she would say something like "As it stands I am not allowing you too (insert whatever here). I am willing to discuss this though when you stop raising your voice." Or "If you don't do (insert whatever here), there will need to be consequences. But, if you cool down we can sort this out a different way."
When a person is so emotionally charged I don't really believe logical arguments get you anywhere. So don't get bogged down in justifications that can't work. I've never seen an angry person change their mind until after they have cooled down. If your daughter has a bad habit of raising her voice she probably does it for two reasons 1.) It feels good and 2.) It gets her what she wants.
Refusing to have a conversation with a yelling person makes the yelling person feel silly. And only agreeing to speak about it when they are calm, teaches them that yelling is not a productive way to communicate.
Let her bitch and moan and scream, to her friends, or in her own room. If she runs up there and makes a terribly ruckus, let her. But when she actually wants to communicate with adults and discuss issues, she needs to behave like an adult.
(I'm sure it goes without saying, but if you raise your voice to her, the whole system falls apart.)
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The Question
my friend trina keeps borrowing money from me and my other friends all the time and i've tried telling her I can't keep loanining her money all the time if she dosn't pay me back,but she won't listen to me.How can I get her to listen to me?
The Answer
You stop loaning her money.
Words don't mean nearly as much as actions.
If you tell her you 'can't' do something, and then you do it anyways, all she is learning is that it doesn't matter what you say.
Stick to it. Next time she asks for money tell her you cannot loan her money untill she pays you back what she owes, and mean it.
She might pout or beg, but if you give in to that then she will never learn to pay people back and will just keep using you.
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The Question
Am I justified in being angry when my mom calls me an ignorant slut because she wasn't understanding something I was trying to explain to her? I don't mean to sound whiney, but I'm really sick of these degrading comments she directs at me when she messes something up, makes a mistake, or doesn't understand something. I don't know what to do about this. Any advice?
Thanks
The Answer
There is no good reason for anyone to call another person an 'ignorant slut'. Period.
So are you justified in your anger? Sure you are. But that doesn't mean you are justified in calling her names back, screaming or yelling, slamming or breaking things or being rude to her.
I'm not saying you do this, I'm just trying to point out that no matter how bad her behavior might be and how justifiably angry you are, that doesn't mean you have a right to behave badly too.
My advice is to end any conversation with your mother that results in name-calling. Do not yell back or be rude. But as soon as she calls you a name, the conversation ends. If you can, just leave the room. If you can't say "I won't talk about this unless you can stop calling me names." And then don't speak to her until she stops calling you names. She probably wont apologize, and it wont do much good to insist she does but you need to wait to speak to her until she can approach you without name-calling.
No mater how she tries to get a rise out of you, stay calm. Do let her distract you with some other argument or issue. Repeat yourself if necessary: "Mom, if you are going to call me that I am not going to be able talk to you."
This isn't the childish 'silent treatment'. This is you being an adult and choosing the ways in which you are willing to interact and communicate with other people.
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The Question
lately i have been so stressed and worried about one of my classes. i used to force myself to study all day for 5 days in advance of a test (including saturday and sunday) so that i would get a "good grade". its gotten to the point where i see a therapist and take medication. my mom is concerned, so she is only letting me study 2 hours a day so that i wont be overstressed, and she said that if i dont do well on tests that itll be her fault. my question is, is it better to cry and panic all the time and get a good grade or to enjoy life and not study as much and get a lower grade?
The Answer
Enjoy life.
Hands down, no argument, no qualifications: It is better to not study as much and enjoy life.
If you were getting all D's or F's, clearly that wouldn't be enjoying life, but if you can study less and still pull off average grades then you really really need too.
School can be an incredible pressure on a person but in high school when I finally stopped studying all the time, I found the one thing I really loved. Now I get to study it at university, and I didn't get into the program because I had the best grades (I didn't), I got into it because I had volunteered and done stuff outside of class and had a hell of a lot of passion for the subject.
Yes, my grades will never be quite as good as they used to be but I don't cry over B's anymore. (Okay, I cried over a C once this semester, but only once!) I can actually accept criticism, and I can decide that hanging out with my best friend is more important then doing an A++ job on some silly assignment.
So relax a little, find something, anything outside of studying that makes you happy and make time for it. Don't make your life about the work; make the work about the kind of life you actually want to live.
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The Question
I'm going to be blunt with this question: the "physical tension" between my ex boyfriend & I has become insane over the last week. What I mean by that is we have the constant need to touch eachother/be close to eachother. I've had feelings for him since the breakup about 5 months ago but we went a while without talking, sometimes exchanging few words (hi, bye, etc). For some reason, something triggered in both of us lately and we've been flirting uncontrollably. I'm unsure whether this means perhaps he is regaining feelings for me as time progresses or if it's just friendly flirting. If anyone could help, it would be MUCH appreciated.
Thank You!
The Answer
As with so many questions like this what jumps out at me is the fact that instead of mentioning how you feel and what you want, you focus on what his actions might mean he wants.
Face facts; unless you ask him, subtly or directly, where he thinks this flirting is going, you wont know for sure. So let go of those worries, his feelings are beyond your control, and he is not the only person whose feelings are important here.
So, leaving the speculation behind for moment, lets focus on what you want. Do you want these flirtations to mean something? Are you interested in returning to some sort of relationship with this guy? Are you attracted to him as a partner or is this flirting just satisfying some more basic need in you to be attractive and liked?
Any answer is good, but until you decide what you want, it doesn't really matter what his feelings are. Maybe he is interested, maybe he just feels good about flirting with you and this is the kind of friendship he wants to have with you. Examine your own feelings first and act on them. If you want to see how deep his feelings are and where this might go, step up from the flirting to the actual talking and going out. If you aren't interested, tone it down and keep your eyes open for someone you are interested in.
You don't need to wait around for a guy to 'pick' you, you get to pick them too.
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The Question
my friends are constantly making me feel bad or blaming me for something. and i always end up feeling bad and apoligizing even tohugh half the time it isnt my fault...any advice?
The Answer
Stop Apologizing.
Although I'm all for telling your friends you don't like what they are saying and they are hurting you, you've got to take some responsibility for yourself too. (Don't worry I mean the good kind of responsibility.)
Look and the mirror and practice saying this: It's not my fault. I am not sorry.
I have a similar problem in my life. I apologize for everything. Messes that aren't mine, lateness that was out of control, the state of my hair, even poor weather! You name it I say sorry for it. Eventually I realized it wasn't my friends fault, they weren't making me feel guilty, I was making me feel guilty and I was the one who had to make it stop, and I am getting better about it.
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The Question
My bf moved to another state for a job. We were still together when he left. He hasnt contacted me in 5 months, and I'm so tired of waiting around for him. I think he's been completely selfish not contacting me. I've finally come to the heartbreaking realization that it's over.
My question is how can I get over him so I can move on with my life? Everyone tells me I'm a pretty girl and can find another bf very easily.
The problem is I would feel really guilty if I started dating someone without letting my bf know. I need some sort of closure, but I have no way of contacting him because he shut off his cell and everytime I email him they get returned. Does anyone have any ideas?
The Answer
First off recognize that the closure you are seeking is for yourself, so you can be happy and you can move on, it isn't for his sake. If you could do the polite thing and inform him of your decision, you know you would, but his bizarre and amazingly rude behavior has made that impossible. You shouldn't feel guilty for something outside of your control.
But for your own piece of mind, write him a letter ending it. Let it out, say what you want to say, revise it, perfect it and then fold it up and place it somewhere out of the way. Don't put it in a place where you will always see it, don't got back and read it again and again (if the idea appeals to you, burn it.)
Just know that when the letter is right and folded up and finished, the relationship is finished too. You did everything you could do the best you could do. No blame, no regrets, time to let it go.
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The Question
I have a math teacher and theres a bunch of girls that likes him. So I found out that they call him on his cell phone and they talk to him on the internet. I find this very strange
because he is like 25 and he lives with his parents and he's single. Half the girls that has his number is between 12-13. I have a bad feeling about this teacher because he goes to ball games and sits with those girls. Does anyone have any idea's on what to do?
The Answer
You are completely right, that is wierd and is crossing the boundries between student and teacher.
Talking to your principal sounds like the perfect idea. Chances are the staff at your school aren't oblivious to what is going on, but if you say it's making you uncomfortable that gives them a solid reason to speak to this teacher about his inappropraite behavoir.
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The Question
at the mall near my house, weathervane is closing and the lady said they were putting in a new store called urban behavior. the lady said that it was like a cheaper hollister, but i dont know if it really is. if anyone knows this store, can you tell me if its really like a hollister or if the lady is justt stupid lol
thankss
The Answer
I'm Canadian as well and Urban Behavior has been around forever where I live. I only recently went into a Hollister and got to say that the clothes are a little similar. I absolutely hate both stores but whatever.
To actually answer you question, UB is cheaper then Hollister and they sell some similar things although UB is more geared toward clubbing/hiphop type clothing.
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The Question
I just want some opinions on this:
Do you think it's wrong to let your boyfriend go to a strip club?
I personally think it is wrong, but then I see some girlfriends even go with their boyfriends to stripclubs!! I just don't get it. How could you let your boyfriend get turned on by another woman? ..or let alone get a sexy lap dance by another woman? I personally think that can even lead to the thought of cheating.
What do you guys think? I am 18 and my boyfriend is 17 and he will be 18 next month. I don't know whether to never let him go to a strip club(since that is a common thing for men to try out at least once in their lives) or to let him try it out. I am really uncomfortable with that idea.
The Answer
Looks like I am the odd one out here.
I have gone with my boyfriend to strip clubs. I find them hilarious and the one right near our home has really excellent lunch specials, cheapest place to eat in town. Most of the women are also incredibly nice and friendly if you are respectful to them…
Despite what you might think of us, my boyfriend and me are fiercely monogamous; strip clubs are just innocent fun for the both of us. I don't go to 'keep my boy in line' or make sure he behaves. If he wants to misbehave, a strip club isn't going to affect that. He will misbehave and all I can control is whether I dump him for it or not. Other woman are NEVER the threat, the boys own stupid decisions are what girls should worry about.
Men are going to get turned on by other women, especially teenage males. I hear stories of them getting turned on by loaves of bread or fast cars. They wake up turned on. It's a physical trigger that is not completely under their control. Please understand that and do not make your boyfriend feel guilty for it.
Never 'allowing' him to go is unrealistic. You can't make ultimatums like that without offending him (you wouldn't like it if he told you you could never go to a certain store or resturant agian). But certainly talk to him about your feelings. You might find he has absolutely no interest or curiosity in strip clubs and if that is the case, you don't have a problem.
If he does have an interest, telling him specifically what your fears are (that is will lead to cheating, that he wont be satisfied with you, that he will get lap dances ect.) might help the two of you come to some compromises that will let him have his fun and you still feel secure. If you decide to go with him, make sure you pick one where the food is good and drag some friends along that you can giggle and joke around with.
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The Question
What are the symptoms of anxiety disorder? Does anyone here have it?
The Answer
The physical symptoms of anxiety vary a good bit from person to person, some people get hot and some get chills, some people get noxious and some get headaches, but pretty much everyone is constantly on edge and totally preoccupied with fears. It's very difficult to pay attention to anything else but your own swarming thoughts.
I do have GAD and have had occasional panic attacks since I was about 11 years old, although they weren't diagnosed until I was in my teens. I barely think about it anymore, it's simply the way I am. I just organize my life to avoid some of the things that really set me off and learn to cope with the others.
The website YoungGrandma gave looked excellent, but please please please, don't try to diagnose yourself or anyone you know. Leave the diagnoses and treatment of anxiety to professionals. If you are suffering at all, ask for help. Any family doctor is a great place to start.
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The Question
I've been known lose my temper easily, usually with me ending up slapping someone in the face. Usually it only happens once a week where I'll just get really angry over something stupid that wouldn’t have mattered the day before. I take my anger out on guys usually (I'm a girl) I'm wondering if I have bi polar (sp?) since I can be totally fine one second and out of control the nest. My mom thinks I need a consular since she thinks I'm "Angry all the time" and "Depressed" but I’m not sure what to think. Any ideas? Btw, I’m 14
The Answer
Don't get too involved in self-diagnosis, it's best to see the counselor and take their advice. Nearly no one here is a doctor or counselor, and if they are, they probably know better then to try and diagnosis just from your question.
But my advice is not to get too hung up on labeling what is wrong with you, what is far more important is what you need to do to fix it. Getting so angry you hit someone is a problem and will certainly make your life way harder than it needs to be. So don't dwell on what's wrong, just do your best to change it. A counselor could be a great help with that.
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The Question
I've heard a whole bunch of stories lately of what happens to guys who go to work up in the oil rig camps in Northern Alberta Canada. One was that because it's so cold up there, that they have nothing to do but spend all their money on alcohol or drugs. They make a ton of money and spend it on drugs or alhohol because it's too cold to do anything else. I heard that some come back as addicts. I also heard some guys become addicted to porn because there are no woman up there.
This concerns me because right now a male friend of mine is working up there as a cook. I hardly ever hear from him. I know he works his ass off, and doesnt get a break for two weeks.
Has any one else heard any stories like these?
The Answer
I have heard these stories, but the old rules apply here: When something is good you tell three people about it, when something is bad you tell thirteen.
People hear the bad stories because they are more fun to tell! They are more exciting, more dangerous more interesting than "Oh yeah it was really boring up there."
In most cases, a situation is what you make of it. I know a guy who went logging (similar environment as on the rigs with even more horror stories I've heard) and took the chance to write a novel that was published when he got back.
Don't be afraid for your friend just because of his circumstances and stories of stupid people, worry about him if you think he is the kind of person who would be prone to falling into those of habits and behaviors.
The best thing you can do for him is to keep in contact well as you can. You might also want to try expressing your concerns to him, he might be able to tell you a bunch of things about his life up there that will relax you. There has been a huge push in Canada in last year or two to take better care of the younger generation of workers and provide better distractions and support for people doing that sort of labour.
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