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how to help teen daughter not to raise her voice to unacceptable levels when we talk.
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I have found over the years that if I keep my voice low and calm and maintain as much eye contact as possible, my teenager would start reacting in the same way. Alternatively, I have also walked away and told them that when they are ready to treat me with respect, then I will treat them in the say way. Failing that - yell louder!!
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Try this: In a very matter of fact way, maintain good eye contact and lower your own voice and say
"I can see you are upset, but there's no need to yell"
I learned this technique working with troubled and sometimes violent teens. I have used it on my kids and it seems to work quite well, especially if I acknowledge my awareness that they are upset.
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When you say something that teens dont like they will get very agressive and dont want to hear it so they will try to not listen and if you keep talking they will raise there voice so you can understand they dont want to hear it. But if you stay calm and tell them in a soft voice why are you yelling im not yelling they will calm down because they see how in the wrong they are for yelling. My son is 4 and he yells at me alot because "he has to do something" and i just tell him bri dont yell and he calms down. But he is just 4 so he doesnt really no any better. My advice is just stay calm no matter what even if its hurting you you must stay calm and liste nto what your teen has to say. Sometimes they do have a point to what they are saying think back to when you were a teenager and put yourself in there shoes when your mother or father told you something you didnt want to hear.
Hope i helped some let me know how it turns out.
~*~ Short N Punky ~*~
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A gag maybe.
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i say stay calm and accually listen to what she has to say. i tend to raise my voice when my parents think they are right no matter what and dont let me get my feelings out. i think parents need to be more civilized and realize that they arent always going to be right
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I'm kind of in the opposite situation. My mother tends to raise her voice to me.
If this happens to be on the phone, I let her know I'm going to hang up and ask her to call me back when she has stopped yelling.
The way you phrase EVERYTHING in an argument is crucial. If you sound accusatory, obviously your daughter will get angry.
Instead of saying "I don't want you to do this because blahblahblah," try letting her know how YOU feel when she does something you don't want her to do: "When I hear about this happening, I get upset because I'm worried about your safety..."
Center your sentences around YOU and YOUR emotions, not her and hers. For one thing, it gives her what she wants - the center of attention - and it sounds like you're blaming her for whatever's going on.
There's actually a book on this. I think it's "My Family, Myself" - and I don't remember who the author is, but the system I describe here is depicted clearly in the book. It teaches children how to discuss things calmly with their parents, and vice versa, if the parent reads it.
If this is a serious problem, I suggest investing in it.
In the meantime, make sure you keep your cool, think before you speak to make sure you won't sound like you're blaming her, and if all else fails refuse to discuss things with her until she can speak without yelling.
Good luck!
-Siren =)
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First of all, you would besetting the example, so as long as you keep your voice calm, maybe she will not raise hervoice, but ifshe does, youjust have to know that every teenge person does this and it's common. It also depends on what you say, try notto be hurtfull, and just try to have an understanding of what your arging about. It's also important to end the argument as soon as posible. And after the fight, make sure that there is no hurt feelings, and just have a quiet talk with your daughter. Just remember you were a teenager too before. And you have to understand what teenagers go through...social, school, then even people at home. Its all a very stressfull point in their life. Good Luck!
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well, as a teenager. i tend to raise my voice to my mother more than i probably should when we talk. but it seems that when she just pretends i'm talkin at a normal level, and talks at a normal level herself i start talking to her the way she's suppose to be spoken to..good luck with this.
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Trying to argue her down probably wont help.
I'm not a parent myself, so take any advice I give with a grain of salt, but my mother was a brilliant woman.
When my bothers raised their voice to my mother she ended the conversation.
Most of the time, it was more important to my brothers that the issue got resolved then it was to my mother, so she would say something like "As it stands I am not allowing you too (insert whatever here). I am willing to discuss this though when you stop raising your voice." Or "If you don't do (insert whatever here), there will need to be consequences. But, if you cool down we can sort this out a different way."
When a person is so emotionally charged I don't really believe logical arguments get you anywhere. So don't get bogged down in justifications that can't work. I've never seen an angry person change their mind until after they have cooled down. If your daughter has a bad habit of raising her voice she probably does it for two reasons 1.) It feels good and 2.) It gets her what she wants.
Refusing to have a conversation with a yelling person makes the yelling person feel silly. And only agreeing to speak about it when they are calm, teaches them that yelling is not a productive way to communicate.
Let her bitch and moan and scream, to her friends, or in her own room. If she runs up there and makes a terribly ruckus, let her. But when she actually wants to communicate with adults and discuss issues, she needs to behave like an adult.
(I'm sure it goes without saying, but if you raise your voice to her, the whole system falls apart.)
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