|
| |
I have had a somewhat colourful life, sexually abused as a child for a period of 8 years by a family member. I grew up in a household where drugs and alcohol were a daily vice. I was removed from here when I was 14 and lived on people's sofa's going from one house to the next. I longed for love but when I got it, I used and abused it.
Years passed, I got into university, but not before going out one night and being so drunk that I woke up in the morning in my house nakered and covered in bruses. I had been rapped but had no idea, when, how, where and by whom.
I chose to put this behind me, I had a goal in life and started an academic career.
I went through uni, getting drunk, sleeping with random men. Feeling completely ashamed and empty everytime. I realised that this would never happen if I didn't drink alcohol. I stopped drinking. Things moved on, got better. I got some self respect back. I have met the man of my dreams. He looks after me, he cares. I have confided in him about my past antics and helped me through! I really love him.
After a night round a new friends, I drank wine. I ended up asking my friends to come back to my house, where my boyfriend was waiting up for me. Upset that i didn't consider him, he left.
I ended up in bed with 2 people. We didn't have full sex but we kissed. This has left me feeling terribly ashamed and guilt ridden. I normally have great insight into myself and I know that to change my behaviour, firstly I need to look at what I want my ideal self to be. I am waiting for therapy around my past but it's taking so long. Do I risk telling my boyfriend, breaking his heart and loosing the best thing that has ever happened to me, or do I never tell him and put this behind me? I am English female nearly 30 (link)
|
Hi there,
As a man who has been in a similar situation, I will give you a hint or two from experience:
First thing to know:
These things don't stay secret.
Second thing:
It is better if he hears it from you than someone else.
Third thing:
If you lose him over this, it is better to have it happen now than several years and three kids from now.
You know what you did was wrong. That guilt will eat at you until you break. If you can clear the air, you can start to rebuild.
It is obvious that he loves you. To overlook a past like the one you made for yourself is something most men would never consider. Never.
Why not?
Because people who do the things you have done in your past... well, they usually have a tendency to repeat those things in the future.
Case in point.
Maybe this is your wake-up call. Maybe this will be the time you fight for what you want, and start fresh. Since he loves you so much, he might be more willing than you think.
Oh, one more thing: There is not the slightest chance of him believing that you only kissed these people, so if something more happened, you might as well get it out there now.
If you did only kiss these people, it doesn't make it any better. Not in his mind.
"Do I risk telling my boyfriend, breaking his heart and loosing the best thing that has ever happened to me, or do I never tell him and put this behind me?"
It is important to put the right blame in the right place here. You don't risk losing him by telling him... you risked losing him by cheating on him with two people at the same time.
The risk has already been done. Now is the time to make up for it.
You should know something else: He already knows. He is just waiting for you to tell him.
He knows your past, and you showed up drinking with other people you invited home, and totally didn't concern yourself with him.
Unless he is really stupid, he already knows you cheated.
Do the right thing. Tell the truth, and re-build. If he has had enough of your cheating, and can't get past this, then use this experience to shock you into realization that if you don't fix this... your next relationship will end the same way.
I hope that you two are able to work things out, but if not... be honest and have a clean break with no lies and deceit.
If you have any further questions for someone who has lived through this more than once, please let me know.
P.S. If you are not in AA or SA, please look into both.
|
Will a vagina show signs of having had sex
(link)
| |
Yes.
|
|
I have been in a relationship with my girl for a year now and known her for 5 we get along really well always have. I am a single parent and a couple of months ago she found out she was approved to purchase a home and she asked me to move in with her I have a lease and it is not up she recently moved in to her home but talk of us living together has changed at first it was us and our and so on but my lease is up in dec and I am not so sure anymore I told her when she asked mee and my chold that I wanted her to be sure she said she was and now she says she wants to make sure and get to know me and so on. I do understand and dont want to regret but I do love her I let myself believe she was ready and never pushed her for comitment at all...so what do i do now do I just move forward with my own life and plan for myself and child do I wait what do I do (link)
|
Hi there,
You are asking a question I could literally write volumes on... from experience.
The long and the short of it is this: 5 years is a long time. If this person has known you five years, you have been in a committed relationship for a year and now she suddenly doesn't know about you and your child? That is a bad sign.
Ask yourself this: How long are you willing to wait for her to decide if she wants to spend her life with you? Another five years? What if after that she says she still isn't sure?
You are 10 years older, and your child has spent their entire childhood in "wait-n-see" mode. :-(
Don't pressure her at all. If she wants you in her life, that is wonderful... but if she doesn't, then now is the best time to find out.
Imagine being in a relationship for 10 years and then suddenly they change their mind about you? Happened to me... don't let it happen to you.
When you are separated from someone you truly love for an extended period of time, you literally ACHE to be with that person again. After a while, no obstacle will stand in your way except that person saying they don't want you anymore.
Five years is enough. She already knows what she wants, and is telling you without telling you.
My only suggestion for saving this is couples counseling. It is possible that she is doing that lovely thing where she expects you to do something, or say something... and rather than using her brain to do something like... oh, I don't know... communicate with you? She is instead waiting for you to read her mind.
You can try asking her directly. If that doesn't work, you can try suggesting counseling for you both.
If that doesn't work, my friend... walk away.
Being someone's "thing on a string" until they decide what they want out of life is an awful feeling. It is a power trip and they love knowing they have control over you.
How does it feel each time she changes her mind about this? Heartbreaking, isn't it?
She needs to decide if she wants to be with you and your child, or not.
Don't encourage her to do this for your sake... as there is little that is worse than living with someone who regrets being with you, but let her know that her time is up.
When you love someone, you WANT to be around them. You don't go out of your way to keep them away from you, or set special conditions on when and how you want to see them.
Five years is enough.
I wish you all the best, and no matter what you decide, please think first and foremost of your child.
DN.
P.S. I have also learned that no matter how much you love someone else... you MUST look only at how they TREAT you, and completely ignore what they SAY. I'll warn you now: Ignore that at your own peril. What they DO to you is how they REALLY feel about you. Never fails.
|
I was saving myself untill marriage to have sex which I thought just meant penetration of penis in vagina. I didn't really know about anything else cause I wanted it to be a surprise for me.
Please dont laugh at my agge. I'm in my early 20s. I've only had one boyfriend but he never did anything to me apart from kissing & outside foreplay, which I was fine with.
I was at a temporary job, my supervisor who is 45 liked me & I started to like him back. My parents were against it from the start. So I stayed with my friend for a while & met up with him sometimes. I stayed at his house one night & he knew I wanted to be a virgin untill marriage. But he asked to finger me. I didn't really know what it was so I asked him will I still be a virgin & he said yes. I said ok & let him, then I started bleeding & he said its ok, its only foreplay.
My friend asked my how it went & I told her what happened and she said I'm not a virgin anymore because of the fingering. We didn't have actual sex.
The guy said when he was at school fingering was foreplay & he didn't know.
Then a few months later anotherr guy did it me but this time I quickly pulled his finger out.
Now I feel sick & disgusting cause I embarrased my family. I cant even look at them without feeling disgusted in what I did.
The bleeding doesn't help. I got over the first guy & thought I could carry on into another relationship but this guy tried/did the same thing.
I don't think I am a virgin anymore cause of this & now I feel hurt & used. I feel sick all the time cause I know this will be with me forever.
I disappointed my dead grandparents on both sides & all of my family. I just dont know what to do because I can't change this. Sometimes I feel normal & sometimes I don't.
I think fingering is losing virginity. So girls, please take my advice & NEVER let a guy finger you. Now I feel like I'm going to be a slut on my wedding night. I've always been a good person & I just dom't understand why this happened. I was weak in saying no. How do I get the courage to say no next time?
(link)
|
You know, the conscience is an interesting thing... I suppose the best question to ask, and you have already answered it: Do you still feel like a virgin?
You have said no.
Next thing to figure out is WHY you don't feel like a virgin?
It seems to me that you are one of the few people out there these days who aren't just making up justifications for what they want to be able to get away with now and lie to their future spouse about later. You actually "feel" the real reason for the concept of virginity, even if you haven't been able to find the words.
Rather than have me duplicate the explanation I gave just the other day; would you mind terrible looking at my answer to this question?
http://www.advicenators.com/qview.php?q=599692
... If that sound like what you feel in your heart, then there you have your answer.
Is this unforgivable? Absolutely not. People do things that make them feel ashamed. Your future spouse will probably have done something they aren't particularly thrilled about either.
The key to overcoming any ill feelings you have and any baggage it will create between you and other people, is to be honest. If they can't deal with something, or you can't deal with something they have done... you want to know about it now and not ten years after you get involved.
As far as getting the courage to say no... well, if it is something you don't want, and you have said no... but the person keeps going then SCREAM for help.
Report the person as a rapist.
As far as you not saying no... well, let me ask you this question: Are you 100% sure you didn't want to be sexual with this person in any way?
If you can say yes to that, then perhaps it is time to talk with a therapist and see why you put yourself in positions to be taken advantage of.
I am not saying that this is your fault. I am saying that if you fear intimacy with a person, and then become intimate with them... it is either rape, or something is missing in the thought process that lead up to the event.
For things like that, a trained professional has a better chance of helping you.
I suppose the thing that strikes me about this whole situation is the same thing we see many times over here:
People seem to believe that foreplay is a standalone thing, and it isn't.
Foreplay prepares the body for sex. If you are willingly entering into to foreplay, you are telling your body that you are ready to have sex now... and once your hormones are all ready for the act, the thought of saying no isn't really there anymore for most people.
So you see... don't say no to sex anymore... say no to FOREPLAY if you aren't ready for what comes next.
Engaging in foreplay and then expecting yourself to make rational decisions is like playing with fire. You WILL get burned.
Once you start making that decision... you will make it easier to forgive yourself for what you feel bad about now. Why? Because you will finally know WHY you did it, and you can own it from here on out. You will know what to do to prevent yourself from feeling this way again.
|
|
Our restaurant is going out of business and need to shut down the website. How is this done? (link)
|
Hi there,
This is something that would be a great deal easier to give you a solid answer too if you provided a link to the website.
A person would need to figure out who the registrar and host are... which I am more than happy to do for you, but I will need a link to the site.
Please ask another question and leave a link for me, and I will get back to you.
Thank you.
P.S. I am sorry for your loss. I know losing a business is a lot like losing a family member in some cases. :-(
|
Hi my name is stefana and i am 13. I have been dating this guy for 3 months now and he says that he wants to have sex. I am just scared that if the condom breaks and i get pregnant i really do not need a baby at 13. and i am also scared that it will hurt! What should I do? please, any advice will be helpful.
thnx for listening!
(link)
|
Hi there,
You already asked this question here:
http://www.advicenators.com/qview.php?q=599689
... and so far it has 4 answers.
Please take the time to read them.
If you aren't able to keep track of your questions, perhaps you should create an account:
http://www.advicenators.com/register.php
Thank you.
|
im a girl
are you still a virgin if you lose your viginity to a girl? (link)
|
Consider the REASON for virginity.
Being a virgin means being completely free from emotional baggage from previous sex partners and completely free from ANY possibility of disease that can be had through sex.
If you do anything that is going to leave you with regret when you meet the person you fall in love with for life, or if you exchange body fluids with someone who may carry disease (no matter what they say about their past... people lie) then you have given up freedom from baggage and disease.
Basically, when you were a virgin, you could guarantee that you would never compare you new lover to old lovers, or take your old hurts out on your new partner. You were also able to be 100% certain you had no diseases. Now you can't make that promise.
Hope that makes sense to you.
|
You and I both answered this question concerning Tampon usage. When she rated my answer, in the comments section the young lady asked a follow up to her question. She implied that her mother equates virginity with an intact Hyman. She asked what to do?
I tried to answer by editing my answer to her nut find that is not possible. How do I follow up on this and answer her. (link)
|
Hi there,
After 24 hours, answers may not be edited unless it is an urgent matter.
She was rating people down because they answered the question she asked, instead of the question she meant to ask.
I have contacted the user and asked her to ask a new question containing the query she actually wanted answered in the first place.
When that questions shows up, you can be sure to answer it.
In the mean time, the old question will remain indexed in Google for other people who actually meant to ask that question can get your fine answer.
Take care.
|
|
Hi, I am a 43 year old Police Officer who lives in New zealand. In the last year my father has passed, my mother has been diagnosed with a severe mental illness and my wife of 25 years has left me. The first two i think I have coped with but my wife leaving has left me ruined. Three months ago I overdosed and was found unconsciouss in a phone booth. I ahve two children which I love to pieces and I would hate to hurt them. But this has not stopped me constantly thinking of ending my life to stop the pain I feel at losing my wife, my childhood sweatrheat. She is 40 and recently has an affair with my sons 22 year old tennis coach. I came accross them one night having sex and this memory of the guy naked on top of my wife haunts me every day. I am seeing a physchologist and spent 5 hours with him last week. This has been going on for close to 1 year now and the pain has not lessoned at all. I really dont want to die because i know how selfish that is and how much pain that would cause. It does not stop the constant thoughts tho. i feel completely broken and even the time I spend with my kids i keep thinking about my wife and the what if's. What if I had of treated her better, what if I had told her i loved her more often, etc etc. I am not a dumb person but I have been in so much pain for so long and just want it to end. My confidence is gone now and I know my company is not that great. I am a kind and good person at heart but I am just so sad.I look forward to any suggestions of help. Thanks (link)
|
Without question, you have a great deal on your plate right now, and coping with it must be a herculean task!
I have some experience in the wife department, and if you would like to talk with someone else who has been through something like that, then please add me on skype. Same username: DangerNerd.
One thing I wanted to be sure to mention is that all therapists are NOT created equal.
If you have been seeing someone for a year, and you feel not one bit better, then please consider looking into a new therapist. Someone who has some experience with grief, post traumatic stress and death.
The thing that someone REALLY helped me with was pointing out how similar to a death the end of my marriage was. It is ok to mourn the relationship's death. I don't know that a person ever truly gets over something like this, but I can tell you that the pain gets to be less over time. A year hasn't been enough for you, but time WILL diminish the pain.
Please hang in there. Your children need one good example of a parent in their lives. You are a police officer. You have seen how children end up when they are raised by people who do what your wife have done.
YOU need to be there for them. You are the ONLY chance they have to grow up and be ok. Without you, they don't have a chance.
That whole business about if you would have treated her like this, or like that... then she wouldn't have cheated on you? That isn't real.
People who cheat, cheat. People who don't, don't.
As a police officer, how many times have you been called to a domestic disturbance? Thousands? Here you have people who beat the living hell out of each other... and yet the person taking the beating doesn't cheat. Get my point?
People who say: "He drive me into this other guy's arms!" ... are looking for any played out excuse to justify what is obviously something they just felt like doing at the moment.
My friend, I wasn't kidding when I said I would be around if you felt like talking. You may contact me through skype at any time.
Hang in there, and please look into a different counselor.
|
|
How long does it take for an std to show in a man (link)
|
From as little as a couple days to as much as ten years.
Some people, men and women, never show symptoms at all... they just go around infecting everyone who has sex with them.
Get tested no matter what. And make sure you have anyone you are getting together with tested BEFORE you have sex.
Couple other notes:
Herpes and HPV (warts/cancer) are NOT stopped by condoms.
There are no common tests for HPV in men.
|
I'm a new Ebay seller. I was wondering if I should put a disclaimer that if I don't receive payment for an item within 3 days of the end of the bid/purchase, that I will not ship?
Is that smart? Would people still buy from me?
I don't want to get ripped off, but I don't want people to be sketchy of me. It's bad enough that I'm a new seller with no feedback since I haven't listed anything yet. (link)
|
Hi there,
The questions you are asking are answered in the eBay getting started guides for new sellers:
http://pages.ebay.com/sellerinformation/howtosell/sellingbasics.html
... along with 1,000 other questions you will have during the course of your first sale. :-)
Please read through the basics, and practice by listing a test item just to get the feel of things.
If you have questions that aren't already answered, then please return and I will be happy to help.
One thing I would like to say is that selling as a zero feedback seller would be a VERY unpleasant experience.
How do you get around that? Buy some stuff on eBay! :-) It is easier than you think to rack up 30-100 feedbacks.
Everything you buy for the next month, outside of food of course, check to see if you can buy it on eBay at a comparable price to what you would otherwise spend. Surprisingly, you can buy a LOT of stuff on there that you never thought of.
Remember: EVERYTHING you think of buying... check eBay first.
Good luck, and happy eBaying!
|
Hi I'm 13/f
Ok first i wanna say that my mom is one of those old fashioned moms and she thinks that tampons "pop your cherry". I strongly disagree with her. so i Googled it, and what do i see? A bunch of girls saying the same thing! So i guess what I'm asking is how do I tell my mom that what she thinks is not true?
Thanks to any answers in advice! (link)
|
Probably start by explaining to her that you found out she was right.
Not everyone is built the same down there.
Some openings are larger than others. Some hymen are shaped differently than others.
While it is possible for many girls to get the tampon IN... once it absorbs the blood and swells up, it is them too large to come back out.
Ask an emergency room doctor about the number of times they have to cut the hymen of a girl who didn't listen, so they can get the thing out and she doesn't die of Toxic Shock Syndrome.
There are exceptions... but if you are going with the averages, then your mother is right.
There are thousands of girls your age who have posted about rupturing their hymen when they inserted a tampon. They aren't lying.
You can disagree with your mother all you want, but disagree about something else because the facts are on her side with this one. ;-)
|
F/18
Alright so I'm married and my husband is in the Navy. I won't be able to move with him until May. By then I'll only have about 5 more classes to take to finish my Associate's. But it's been really hard with him gone. We've been married for about 3 months and I've seen him once. I know most people would say to stay and finish but it just sucks. The thing with college is I have a scholarship that pays 3/4 of my classes but that last semester I'll be short about 2 hours so I won't be able to qualify for it. It's just staying till next December seems so far away. I love him so much that I just want to be with him. And I knew what I was getting into when I married him. I just want someone's opinion on the matter and what I should do. Thanks so much! (link)
|
Hi there,
Let me ask you a couple questions:
1) How much money would you actually have to pay if you transferred your credits to a school where your husband is? For the sake of argument, we will just say $1,000
2) If somebody walked up to you on the street and said: "For $1,000 I can make sure you are in bed this very night with your husband who you haven't seen in so long." Would you do it?
If you answered yes, that being with the one you love is more important than money, then you have your answer.
If your answer is that money is more important than being with your husband... well that is pretty sad, isn't it?
Marriage is about making decisions together. So, what does he think about this? Have you asked yet? I would be concerned if he wanted you to stay away longer to save a few bucks.
Good luck... whatever you decide.
|
|
I had oral sex twice, and before you say anything hear me out. I was 16 years old and very naive. During that time I was going through an emotional and mental roller coaster from abuse to suicide. I'll admit at the point in my life I wasn't 100% there. Even when I did oral sex it wasn't sexual for me, i panic and reacted to the situation. I was always panic when I'm around guys because i was abuse sexually. Anyway, I feel in my heart that I am a virgin because what I did honestly wasn't sexual at all. Am I still a virgin? (link)
|
Think about the purpose of virginity...
The purpose is so that you are free of any disease or emotional baggage.
In this case you have the emotional baggage, and whoever you choose to be intimate with will have to love you through that. That is fine, and we all have some kind of thing dragging us down in one way or another so that is to be expected. I wouldn't worry about that part very much.
On the other hand, you could very well have acquired any of the common STDs by giving oral. Even if you used a condom, you could still get herpes or HPV.
So, no matter what you decide on the whole virginity thing, you MUST get tested before you have sex with anyone else.
In fact it is a good idea to get tested asap. The sooner these things are treated, the better.
One more thought: I would just tell the guy what happened. If you are honest and tell the guy what has happened.
WAARNING: If you tell a guy that giving some other guy a blowjob "wasn't sexual at all" he will either laugh in your face, thinking you are making a joke, or dump you on the spot.
So, think carefully about how you want to present this.
Oral sex is most definitely a sexual act. Even if it wasn't sexually exciting for you, it is still sex, and will be considered so by the rest of the people around you.
Just be careful to fully explain why you feel that way before making a statement like:
"I gave a guy a blowjob... but it wasn't sexual."
Be honest, and if he is the right guy for you then everything will work out fine.
P.S. If you haven't sought counseling and/or a support group for sexual abuse victims, then I would like to encourage you to look into it. It can help more than you know. Please don't live your whole life without getting help for this. It wasn't your fault, and you shouldn't have to deal with it alone. :-(
|
hey whats ure email you said to email you but if you can will you emai l me at
fskittles@yahoo.com
thnks i really appreciate if you do email me put in the subject line youre name in bold print thanks
sincerly
C.J. R. :) (link)
|
Have no idea who you are or what this is about.
You can drop whatever you need into my inbox like you did here.
Thanks.
|
|
So i was in the shower today self examining and i found a pea sized bump on my cervix ( the other bumpish like) and i just had my annual checkup in August and it was normal. And i haven't had sex since. I was wondering if it was cancerous or a cyst. Should i be worried? Help! Thanks. (link)
|
Hi there,
You already asked this here:
http://www.advicenators.com/qview.php?q=599488
... and I agree with adviceman49.
Go to the doctor now. If it is something serious, you want to get it taken care of right away for the best chance of complete recovery.
|
|
H want to now f my bf tals or brngs up hs ex n a bad way does he stll want or love her (link)
|
English please.
Just re-write it using real words and we can place it on the site for people to answer.
Thanks.
|
ok i been talking to this girl and she wants to **** but i didnt so she asked if she could blow me and i let her a few days later she told me she found out she has herpes. can i get it from a bj
(link)
|
Yes. Absolutely.
Worse than that: Herpes and HPV (genital warts, cancer, other bad stuff) are NOT stopped by condoms. Just a note for the future.
You need to get yourself tested, and tested again in a few months.
Do NOT have sexual contact with anyone else until you know for sure if you would be giving them something that they will have to carry for life.
Some advice you didn't ask for:
BEWARE of people who are desperate to have sex with you.
They are almost always trying to trap you into something before you can find out what is wrong with them.
I have been approached like this, and it is always a trap in my experience.
If the next thing you hear from this girl is that "you two have already been together, and you already have what she has so why don't you just go ahead and have sex with her... DO NOT DO IT!
I understand how tempting something like this can be, but next time think with your big head, not the little one. If you do, it could save your life.
Don't think you are the only one she is begging to have sex with her... she got herpes someplace, and it wasn't you. Who knows what else she could be carrying around? AIDS is a lot less fun to live with than herpes. :-(
Be smarter about where you allow your penis to go, and your life will end up a lot happier than it will if you keep going like you have been.
Good luck, and I hope both your tests come up clean.
P.S. Don't just get tested for herpes... get tested for everything. Seriously, you don't know where she has been.
|
I just wantd to say to all the drake fans out there help me wish him a wonderfulll and fulfilling birthday!!!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DRIZZY LOVE YOU!!!!!!
---- ANNETTE GRAHAM:D (link)
|
Perhaps you are confused as to what "asking for advice" means.
When you have problems you need help with, you post a "question" here.
When you want to express your undying love for whatever rapper is the flavor of the week... you go to a place where fans of your crush of the moment gather to gush about someone you won't care about a year from now.
Here you go:
drizzydrake.org:
http://www.drizzydrake.org/drake-fans-2/you-know-your-a-drake-fan-when/
drake-online.com:
http://www.drake-online.com/
drizzydrakemusic.com:
http://drizzydrakemusic.com/
... where you can comment all you like on the posts and all your fellow drake lovers can read what you say.
And here is dizzydrake.net:
http://www.drizzydrake.net/forum
... which has a forum where you can talk all you want with people who are obsessed like you are.
Those are all great places to wish him happy birthday.
When you realize that your fantasy life has taken over your real life, and you want help to pull your head out of the delusion that you are going to have babies with Mr. Drake someday... THAT is when you post a question here asking for help on getting your life back.
See the difference? Many communities full of similarly obsessed fan-girls... or one place to come when you realize you threw your childhood away on a fantasy.
Big difference. ;-)
|
How can I fuck a woman/Girl when she was sleeping condition????? (link)
| |
You should call your local police and ask them how best to rape someone. I am sure they will have a special place you can get the help you need.
|
|
