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Premiscuous when drunk... Ended up in bed with TWO people and my boyfriend doesn't know. What do I do?
I have had a somewhat colourful life, sexually abused as a child for a period of 8 years by a family member. I grew up in a household where drugs and alcohol were a daily vice. I was removed from here when I was 14 and lived on people's sofa's going from one house to the next. I longed for love but when I got it, I used and abused it.
Years passed, I got into university, but not before going out one night and being so drunk that I woke up in the morning in my house nakered and covered in bruses. I had been rapped but had no idea, when, how, where and by whom.
I chose to put this behind me, I had a goal in life and started an academic career.
I went through uni, getting drunk, sleeping with random men. Feeling completely ashamed and empty everytime. I realised that this would never happen if I didn't drink alcohol. I stopped drinking. Things moved on, got better. I got some self respect back. I have met the man of my dreams. He looks after me, he cares. I have confided in him about my past antics and helped me through! I really love him.
After a night round a new friends, I drank wine. I ended up asking my friends to come back to my house, where my boyfriend was waiting up for me. Upset that i didn't consider him, he left.
I ended up in bed with 2 people. We didn't have full sex but we kissed. This has left me feeling terribly ashamed and guilt ridden. I normally have great insight into myself and I know that to change my behaviour, firstly I need to look at what I want my ideal self to be. I am waiting for therapy around my past but it's taking so long. Do I risk telling my boyfriend, breaking his heart and loosing the best thing that has ever happened to me, or do I never tell him and put this behind me? I am English female nearly 30
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I don't have any advice on what to say to your boyfriend. What I have done is to look and find the listing below. Here in the U.S. we have a similar organization that I recommend to women's such as you who write to us for help.While they are in Winchester anyone in England can call them for help.
You have had a rough life and you do need some professional help to get you life on track. Therapy is the right idea. I understand under National Health you have to wait until a doctor is available. This organization may be able to cut the waiting time for you.
I'm fairly confident they can help you and with their help you will find away to talk to your boyfriend.
Good luck and hoping for a better life for you in the future.
Winchester RASAC: Rape and Sexual Abuse Counselling
Contact Us: Telephone: 01962 848018 Email: rasac@rasac.org.uk
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Hi there,
As a man who has been in a similar situation, I will give you a hint or two from experience:
First thing to know:
These things don't stay secret.
Second thing:
It is better if he hears it from you than someone else.
Third thing:
If you lose him over this, it is better to have it happen now than several years and three kids from now.
You know what you did was wrong. That guilt will eat at you until you break. If you can clear the air, you can start to rebuild.
It is obvious that he loves you. To overlook a past like the one you made for yourself is something most men would never consider. Never.
Why not?
Because people who do the things you have done in your past... well, they usually have a tendency to repeat those things in the future.
Case in point.
Maybe this is your wake-up call. Maybe this will be the time you fight for what you want, and start fresh. Since he loves you so much, he might be more willing than you think.
Oh, one more thing: There is not the slightest chance of him believing that you only kissed these people, so if something more happened, you might as well get it out there now.
If you did only kiss these people, it doesn't make it any better. Not in his mind.
"Do I risk telling my boyfriend, breaking his heart and loosing the best thing that has ever happened to me, or do I never tell him and put this behind me?"
It is important to put the right blame in the right place here. You don't risk losing him by telling him... you risked losing him by cheating on him with two people at the same time.
The risk has already been done. Now is the time to make up for it.
You should know something else: He already knows. He is just waiting for you to tell him.
He knows your past, and you showed up drinking with other people you invited home, and totally didn't concern yourself with him.
Unless he is really stupid, he already knows you cheated.
Do the right thing. Tell the truth, and re-build. If he has had enough of your cheating, and can't get past this, then use this experience to shock you into realization that if you don't fix this... your next relationship will end the same way.
I hope that you two are able to work things out, but if not... be honest and have a clean break with no lies and deceit.
If you have any further questions for someone who has lived through this more than once, please let me know.
P.S. If you are not in AA or SA, please look into both.
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Honesty, is the best policy. If everything your saying is true (that you didn't have sex with them; JUST KISSED) than I don't see your boyfriend being so pissed that he will never talk to you again; maybe alittle hurt, and confused as to why you'd let it happen; but nothing major. Now if you did anything other than kiss; than you're going to have a hard time coming clean.
I agree with the advicenator below me. You need to tell him straight up. Don't sugar coat anything. He's your boyfriend, he deserves to know.
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I would tell him. I'd you bee commit and get married you will look like a liar, and decieving. Best idea...sit him down. Tell him everything, and don't sugar coat anything.
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