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is my relationship moving backwards
I have been in a relationship with my girl for a year now and known her for 5 we get along really well always have. I am a single parent and a couple of months ago she found out she was approved to purchase a home and she asked me to move in with her I have a lease and it is not up she recently moved in to her home but talk of us living together has changed at first it was us and our and so on but my lease is up in dec and I am not so sure anymore I told her when she asked mee and my chold that I wanted her to be sure she said she was and now she says she wants to make sure and get to know me and so on. I do understand and dont want to regret but I do love her I let myself believe she was ready and never pushed her for comitment at all...so what do i do now do I just move forward with my own life and plan for myself and child do I wait what do I do
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If you have known this women for 5 years and she is still pulling the whole "get to know you line" then I would really move on. DN is right, Imagine being with this person for another few years and then she comes back and still isn't sure? That right there would of made me end it.
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First things first, you've prefaced this by saying you've known each other for five years, which is a substantial amount of time. But then you tack on that she wants to "get to know" you? What is there to "get to know" all of a sudden? Unless I'm missing something, you should both know each other well enough for the 21 questions to be out of the way.
It's understandable that anyone would have cold feet in the event of moving in with someone, and it's perfectly reasonable to mull it over. However, to answer your question - "do I just move forward with my own life and plan for myself and child?" You should always be planning for yourself and your child, even if you're married to someone. I'd advise you to put your needs and especially your child's needs first, before possibly ending up without a place to live. You can still see someone and have a healthy relationship without sacrificing your own independence and rushing into something the other isn't comfortable with.
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Hi there,
You are asking a question I could literally write volumes on... from experience.
The long and the short of it is this: 5 years is a long time. If this person has known you five years, you have been in a committed relationship for a year and now she suddenly doesn't know about you and your child? That is a bad sign.
Ask yourself this: How long are you willing to wait for her to decide if she wants to spend her life with you? Another five years? What if after that she says she still isn't sure?
You are 10 years older, and your child has spent their entire childhood in "wait-n-see" mode. :-(
Don't pressure her at all. If she wants you in her life, that is wonderful... but if she doesn't, then now is the best time to find out.
Imagine being in a relationship for 10 years and then suddenly they change their mind about you? Happened to me... don't let it happen to you.
When you are separated from someone you truly love for an extended period of time, you literally ACHE to be with that person again. After a while, no obstacle will stand in your way except that person saying they don't want you anymore.
Five years is enough. She already knows what she wants, and is telling you without telling you.
My only suggestion for saving this is couples counseling. It is possible that she is doing that lovely thing where she expects you to do something, or say something... and rather than using her brain to do something like... oh, I don't know... communicate with you? She is instead waiting for you to read her mind.
You can try asking her directly. If that doesn't work, you can try suggesting counseling for you both.
If that doesn't work, my friend... walk away.
Being someone's "thing on a string" until they decide what they want out of life is an awful feeling. It is a power trip and they love knowing they have control over you.
How does it feel each time she changes her mind about this? Heartbreaking, isn't it?
She needs to decide if she wants to be with you and your child, or not.
Don't encourage her to do this for your sake... as there is little that is worse than living with someone who regrets being with you, but let her know that her time is up.
When you love someone, you WANT to be around them. You don't go out of your way to keep them away from you, or set special conditions on when and how you want to see them.
Five years is enough.
I wish you all the best, and no matter what you decide, please think first and foremost of your child.
DN.
P.S. I have also learned that no matter how much you love someone else... you MUST look only at how they TREAT you, and completely ignore what they SAY. I'll warn you now: Ignore that at your own peril. What they DO to you is how they REALLY feel about you. Never fails.
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You want to be able to provide a life for you and your child for sure. that is number one. and by the sounds of it she is not ready for the move in to a house together commitment. I would honestly renue your lease or move to a different place or which ever you choose. But also keep her option open as still dating her. She has to understand that when she accepts you in to the move in the house commitment it includes your child. Maybe just give it a few more years or months.
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