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Suicidal thoughts after my wife of 25 years left me
Hi, I am a 43 year old Police Officer who lives in New zealand. In the last year my father has passed, my mother has been diagnosed with a severe mental illness and my wife of 25 years has left me. The first two i think I have coped with but my wife leaving has left me ruined. Three months ago I overdosed and was found unconsciouss in a phone booth. I ahve two children which I love to pieces and I would hate to hurt them. But this has not stopped me constantly thinking of ending my life to stop the pain I feel at losing my wife, my childhood sweatrheat. She is 40 and recently has an affair with my sons 22 year old tennis coach. I came accross them one night having sex and this memory of the guy naked on top of my wife haunts me every day. I am seeing a physchologist and spent 5 hours with him last week. This has been going on for close to 1 year now and the pain has not lessoned at all. I really dont want to die because i know how selfish that is and how much pain that would cause. It does not stop the constant thoughts tho. i feel completely broken and even the time I spend with my kids i keep thinking about my wife and the what if's. What if I had of treated her better, what if I had told her i loved her more often, etc etc. I am not a dumb person but I have been in so much pain for so long and just want it to end. My confidence is gone now and I know my company is not that great. I am a kind and good person at heart but I am just so sad.I look forward to any suggestions of help. Thanks
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Your wife's behavior is not your fault. She chose what she did, knowing full well that it would hurt you and hurt your children if they got caught in the crossfire. You may wonder, "How could that sweet woman I married do something like this, unless I somehow drove her to it?" But people change. She certainly loved you at some point, and she probably never thought of herself as a cheater, especially one who got with her son's 22-year-old tennis coach. But you've been together 25 years, and people can change a lot in that time.
Sadness is only natural, but you have no reason whatsoever to feel guilty. If one spouse isn't meeting the other's needs, it is our responsibility to resolve it between ourselves through conversation and compromise like real adults. If you aren't aware of a problem, how can you fix it? Maybe she was stressed or lonely, but that is no excuse to do what she did. Be sad, be angry, but don't feel guilty. Her actions don't reflect on your abilities as a husband at all. And Dangernerd is right; people suffer through far rockier relationships without resorting to cheating.
You should definitely think about switching psychologists if you feel like 5 hours a week isn't improving anything. Also, please consider medication. It has something of a bad reputation, but if you are depressed something as simple as one pill a day could work miracles. Clinical depression is mostly biological, but it can be sparked by real life events like in your case. And while medication alone can't heal the grief of your wife's betrayal, it can bring you closer to a level emotional ground where you can think about your wife without drowning in guilt and self-loathing. Our perspectives do get warped during depression, and we may realize that something that seemed completely true during the fog of depression isn't true at all when we think about it later. I spent months thinking I was a burden to everyone and they all secretly hated me, but were too polite to tell me to go away. After I came out of my depression, I wondered, "How could I have ever thought that was true?" I really believed that my friends and parents thought me so much of a burden that they'd be happier if I died. Therapy did make something of a difference, but medication is what allowed me to adjust my entire brain (and most of my thoughts) to something closer to normal.
You may not feel like it, but you are a very strong man. Not many people can deal with so much at once and still keep swimming like you have. Find those things that keep you afloat and cling to them. Keep photos of your kids, spend more time with them, ask them to make you something to carry with you if they're at that age. You are their hero, and they are your angels; it's important that none of you get lost or forgotten during the break-up of your marriage. Your wife made her choice, and she has betrayed her children almost as much as she's betrayed you. So show them that you care about them, and remember that they need you even more than you need them. You don't have to be completely stoic in front of them; a lot of dads seem to believe they need to stay completely strong and tough in front of their kids, but it's not true. Showing some of your emotions tells them it's ok for them to do the same. Let them know that you're sad and that you're hurt by their mother leaving, but encourage them to be happy and have fun, and tell them how much they mean to you. By helping them, you can help yourself.
It seems like you've been climbing and climbing for so long while feeling like you haven't gotten anywhere, but the important thing is that you are still going. Every day that you live through is one more day that you have managed to survive, and one day closer to a time when you can feel ok again. It is also one more day that you can be a part of your children's lives. So hold on, and don't stop climbing! You will get there, I know you will.
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hi im really sad too .im at point where its really hard.i cant say much cause ive got my own thoughts too.i liked ur post so thankyou its nice to hear theres others out ther too.
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I feel it is harder for those of us in public service positions to go through what you, and to a certain extent what I have been through. For we find it harder to accept the help we so easily hand out to others. As I found out there is no shame in asking for help, the right kind of help will allow you to heal. A therapist is the right kind of help, but you are I believe, like I was, clinically depressed. I needed medications to help me get back to an even plain. That is of course the part I had the hardest part in dealing with yet the easiest thing I found to recommend to others.
A psychiatrist is the best doctor to treat depression. Not because you are crazy but because clinical depression deals with hormones effecting our brain. With proper medication and talk therapy you will begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel, this I can assure you of as I did. It took time and hard work with my therapist.
It is seven years since the accident which sent me in to clinical depression. The accident caused me to become disabled. I had to deal with that, the lawyers and the disability people plus the loss of a job I dearly loved. It was to much stress and I found myself falling into a deep hole I couldn't climb out of. I toyed with the idea of stepping in front of a freight train. I was lucky I found help before I actually considered this option.
You are already a step ahead of where I was. You know suicide will only hurt those you leave behind. The questions you are asking yourself are normal, the answer you are giving yourself are not as you are seeing the answers through the fog of depression and you perception is off. Your perception as a whole is off so you must, for a time question that which you perceive to make sure what you think you hear is what you hear.
I know what I am saying sounds strange, it did to me at first. It took me time to understand this as well. I was fortunate that after 2 different therapist on the third try I found one I was comfortable working with. One who was able to identify my problem and was comfortable working at a pace I was comfortable at. I believe this as much or even more than the medication is the key to my successful outcome. Sometimes you have to go through several therapist to find the one you are comfortable with. Being comfortable with your therapist is also very important for you must trust the therapist enough to be totally open and hold nothing back.
Your wife left you for a younger man. Is it something you did or didn't do? Is it something she had planned to do or did it just happen? The most likely answer is it is not something either of you did or didn't do. It is something that just happened.
Yes it hurts and after 22 years of marriage I would be surprised if it didn't hurt. For the sake of your children and for yourself you have to learn to put this behind you and move on. This is where talk therapy comes in.
You are a kind and good person, I can tell this from your writing. You have to be a kind and good person to be in public Service to be a Police Officer. If you were not you couldn't do your job for as long as you have.
Work with your therapist, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
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Without question, you have a great deal on your plate right now, and coping with it must be a herculean task!
I have some experience in the wife department, and if you would like to talk with someone else who has been through something like that, then please add me on skype. Same username: DangerNerd.
One thing I wanted to be sure to mention is that all therapists are NOT created equal.
If you have been seeing someone for a year, and you feel not one bit better, then please consider looking into a new therapist. Someone who has some experience with grief, post traumatic stress and death.
The thing that someone REALLY helped me with was pointing out how similar to a death the end of my marriage was. It is ok to mourn the relationship's death. I don't know that a person ever truly gets over something like this, but I can tell you that the pain gets to be less over time. A year hasn't been enough for you, but time WILL diminish the pain.
Please hang in there. Your children need one good example of a parent in their lives. You are a police officer. You have seen how children end up when they are raised by people who do what your wife have done.
YOU need to be there for them. You are the ONLY chance they have to grow up and be ok. Without you, they don't have a chance.
That whole business about if you would have treated her like this, or like that... then she wouldn't have cheated on you? That isn't real.
People who cheat, cheat. People who don't, don't.
As a police officer, how many times have you been called to a domestic disturbance? Thousands? Here you have people who beat the living hell out of each other... and yet the person taking the beating doesn't cheat. Get my point?
People who say: "He drive me into this other guy's arms!" ... are looking for any played out excuse to justify what is obviously something they just felt like doing at the moment.
My friend, I wasn't kidding when I said I would be around if you felt like talking. You may contact me through skype at any time.
Hang in there, and please look into a different counselor.
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Keep seeing you psychiatrist I would also recommend a therapist also. Your children need you, You are their father. Imagine how they would feel if they lost you too, I understand it's heavy baggage for one year to have all this happen but you need to try to find it within yourself to stay strong for your children. If you need to then take some time to yourself for awhile, Hang out with friends or take your children out for a day. Keeping a journal is good for the mind too, Blog about your feelings and when you see your physchologist then express to him your feelings. Everything is a step at a time but you cannot give up even when things seem at it's worse, Your children need you.
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