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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
I have worked for my boss for 7 years and have always been loyal and devoted to her. I am also currently her senior employee. Over the past 2 years she has changed her attitude towards me. She has become almost bitter towards me. At first I thought she was going through menopause and then I thought she may be having financial problems. I confronted her not too long ago about our issues and we got into a huge argument, basically blaming each other for the "attitude" that each of us was being given.
I had requested a day off of work to deal with some personal isuues with my son a few months ago and was given a very hard time about taking off. I felt that since she had let my other co-workers off to see a concert, bring there dog to get x-rays, and go to Great Adventure I wouldn't have a problem taking off for my son. I had also given her 2 weeks notice prior to the day I needed off.
She gave me an attitude about it for weeks afterwards.
Now, I am asking to take off Halloween (a month in advance) in place of my birthday (having your birthday off is one of the perks and she had told us we could substitue another day if we wanted to).
Halloween is my biggest holiday of the year and I have finally moved into a house that I can decorate for the children that will be visiting us. It is also a big holiday for my son who is only 3. I usually work until 7pm on this particular day I need off and it takes me an hour to get home which is too late to do anything with my family.
My boss is giving me the hardest time about taking the day off.
My question to you is how do I go about this?I'm taking the day off whether she allows me to or not but do I just call in sick, do I confront her about it again and mention all the times she has let my co-workers off?
I had filled in a request form and had placed it on her desk last week. As soon as she looked at it the attitude came out. Questioning me why I wanted the day off. Telling me it wasn't a good day because I worked the late shift, etc. She even mumbled some things under her breath. After not giving me a yes or no answer she proceeded to approach my one co-worker and very good friend and told her how unhappy she was with my request to take off. My friend, who also works the late shift with me, told my boss that she was ok with working the late shift by herself. And just to let you know it would only be an 1 1/2 she would be working alone.
My boss proceeded to tell my friend "Well, its not ok with me!" and walked away.
I'm just not sure how to approach this situation. I know there is a larger underlying issue going on but I just want to deal with Halloween for right now, for my sons sake.
The Answer
Take a deep breath and sit tight for now.
It seems likely to me, after she bitches and moans and get all the venom out of her system, you will be given the day off. You have a little while for to fight over this, so for the next week I would suggest you just sit back and let her stew in her own juices unless she brings it up.
This *shouldn't* be a fight, right? This should just be something that happens. Frankly how busy is any business at 6-7pm on Halloween? You and your co-workers know that you will not be missed; your boss probably does as well.
YOU have already made up your mind. There is nothing to argue with her about. She can either give you the day off, or you will take it off. You know the consequences and have accepted them yes? So, this problem has been solved, as far as you concerned.
When the week of calm is up (if she doesn't bring it up) ask her what her decision is. If she says no, you still have 2-3 weeks to take it up with her superior and I would encourage you too. If nothing else a mediated conversation between the two of you with HER boss present might allow the real problem to be brought to light.
If she comes around, which without any real reason to deny your request, she likely will, Great! If not, take it up with her boss, and call in sick if that is what it comes too.
You can try to play it cool and calm until you get the day off you need, but frankly, no matter how this plays out, it’s high time this be brought up with her superiors. If she has no superiors, I’d start looking for another job.
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The Question
Uhg!!! I'm so pissed off at my dad right now. See, my computer had the system32 error since for about 2 months and my parents haven't gotten around to taking it to a computer fixing person. Well, I told my dad SEVERAL TIMES that he shouldn't do the windows recovery thing because it'll delete everything on the computer and I NEED the stuff on my computer like all my homework, stories, pictures, etc. Things that are NOT replaceable!!!!!! I mean, I can't go to my teachers from last year and ask them to give me all the projects and translations from last year just so that I can retype it into my computer. And I can't rewrite the stories that were longer than 100 pages each. And I can't go back in time and take the same fucking pictures over again!
Well, my dad being fucking smart decided that since I haven't used my computer for 2 months, I didn't need the data on there and decided to go on with the windows recovery today. I'm so fucking mad at him. I mean I don't need them right this second but I am going to at the end of this year and the next two years for my IB tests and AP tests! The least he could've done was fucking ask me if he could do the recovery thing. But no. He doesn't care about shit.
Is there ANY chance of me being able to recover my files and stuff??????????? And do I have the right to be pissed off my dad majorely right now because I don't want my mom yelling at me for being pissed off at him when I don't need to be.
The Answer
You value your 'shit'? You need to learn to back up your work.
I'm not saying your dad was right, he wasn't, but don't give me a sob story if you KNEW he was prone to that kind of supidity and you didn't even bother to back your stuff up anywhere.
$20 on a usb key, $100 or so for an external hard drive, at the very least e-mail your stories to and homework to yourself! Password protect your computer so he couldn't access it. Photographs? Well, flikr.com to name one of the many free sites where you can upload whatever you want.
Backing up vital information is, well, vital! If stuff is important, protect it. You can't trust other people to know and agree with your priorities.
For the rest of your question: You didn't really give enough detail for me to be sure. Did he restore windows? Use a recovery disk and/or reinstall it? If you can't access your old data, a local data recovery specialist might be able to recovery the files, but that could be pricey. In the hundered or two hundred dollar range. There is software you can buy as well, but that seems a bit hit or miss to me.
In the meantime, don't save anything on the computer. If I were you I would just let it sit until a professional can take a look.
Best of luck and next time, if you live with inconsiderate idiots, use a backup.
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The Question
ok so i am 20 f and i recently mustered the courage to go to a counselor and tell her i am having personal issues with my family and roommate and stuff. thing is i don't think it has to do with "my constant change in environment" "trauma" or "confinement". granted they may have a role in playing crucial issues in why i am going mad... but after two sessions she thinks i don't need counseling anymore! i mean i told her i hear the voices when i am alone and i told her about my mood swings and my extra sensitivity to what people say.... she gave me a self help book and boom... i know i can seem very collected and very mature but thats because i hate other people knowing that there is something wrong with me. its a habit now and i fear if i say anything they'll think i made it up to get attention or something... anyway so i want to tell her that i am sure i get anxiety attacks at night and that the only way to calm myself is getting out in the am and walking in the city! i do that some times when it gets really bad but i can't do that all the time there is a rapist on the lose you know!! 3 bodies and a hospitalized girl were found near by :s i want to tell her what i am feeling but i don't want it to seem like this girl who has it good is craving for attention you know? the drama queen... i think i may need prescription or something it's getting out of hand.... help! what should i say?
The Answer
Okay, a few things you need to know.
1.) You aren't going mad. Promise. Yes, you are probably in a bad way right, but you are FAR from insane.
Walking is a very valid, very effective tool for fighting axienty. What you've discovered is that it might not be the best idea for where you live, which is cool. Find something else that works the same way: Dance like a nut in your own room. Get a membership to an allnight gym. Find someone who will walk with you. You're gonna have to be a bit creative.
2.) Remember who you are talking to. A university counselor is very good at helping you deal with academic issues, but they aren't there for the long haul. In the long term you must see family doctors, certified therapists (which not all academic counselors are) and possibly other mental health professionals.
A university or college counselor is a great resource when you are in CRISIS. They aren't so good if you think you are struggling with long term mental illness. That just isn't what they are there for.
3.) You need to be honest about your problems and suffering. The desire to hide it, minize it, the fear of being seen as needy or attention seeking… All of those are ways mental illness KEEP you sick.
Think of any other virus: All it wants is to stay alive inside of you and make more of itself. Mental illness is very similar. You will always be able to think of a million reasons why you shouldn't fight it.
Be honest with your counselor, put it all out there and listen seriously to their opinion on the matter. Ask them for references to other resources. If they are no help, go to a doctor, any general practitioner will do, and do the exact same thing.
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The Question
I'm 17 and female. I know this probably sounds really stupid, but I was dating this guy for 2 years and then about 9 months ago we broke up. I started dating loads of other guys and everything was ok, but then last night I saw him with his new girlfriend and it destroyed me. I still really love him and I dont know what to do. Do i tell him? Or do I just tell him I'm happy for him. I should have forgotten him by now... Thanks.
The Answer
Who says you should have forgotten him by now?
You might never 'forget' him, you spent a good chunk of your life with him, seeing him might always affect you. That doesn't mean you haven't moved on and it doesn't mean you can't be happy for him. All that means is that you probably don't want to hang around him much.
Feelings don't get switched off with the press of a button. It doesn't take a few months for a person to longer effect you in some way, in can years until you really feel 'nothing' when you see them.
Tell him you are happy for him and be happy for him. The intense feelings you are having of seeing him again with someone new will pass and you will be fine.
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The Question
wouldn't your penis like smell weird if u have anal sex?
The Answer
Take a shower afterwards.
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The Question
For 1 I AM straight!
I'm really just wondering a couple things... haha idk why they just interest me.
1. Why do they call it a dick?
2. lets say there a lesbian who acts like a boy, and a gay guy that acts like a girl, couldnt they go out b/c they would go together! you know what i mean???
3. Why do they teach us stuff about sex in school, when at home parents dont want us to know about it, but then they put us in school???
thanks! and sorry if those confused you at all!
The Answer
1.) The use of word "dick" as coarse slang for penis first arises around 1890. No one is quite certain why. Vulgar words are hard to trace. It was a common male name, like john, and just picked up that connotation.
2.) They wouldn't go together. A gay guy would not be attracted to a woman, nor would a lesbian woman be attached to any kind of man. It's not about them 'going together'. It's about what they are attracted too. If they aren't attracted to each other, sexually or romantically, then it aint going to work, period.
Gender roles and sexual orientation is FAR more complicated then what you ‘act like’. You can never identify a homosexual by the way they act. The only people those labels should be applied to our people who have chosen them for themselves. A self-identified ‘girl’ who dated a self-identified ‘guy’ would probably not call herself a lesbian eh?
3.) The law says you must go to school. Parents who REALLY don’t want their kids knowing about sex sometimes choose home school or private schools where they have greater control. But many parents know you must know something about sex in order to be safe and functioning people. They are just too chicken-shit to tell you themselves, so they shut up and let the school do it.
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The Question
Hi.
I am 14 years old [female]... I am a freshman in high school. I am having many friendship problems. I am loosing friends because of my rude attitude towards everyone. & The bad thing is, I've been so mean forever, that I haven't even noticed I am until today when I lost a friend.
I am always so stressed out and tend to take it out on other people. I really want to make a comeback and show everyone that I am way more than what my reputation is. I feel horrible how I treat people, and someone finally treated me the way I treat people.
I really need help on ways of being nice to people and earning a better reputation. I could have so much going for me.. if you could help :[
Thanks again
The Answer
Start by apologizing. Even if they don't want to hear it, send the people you know you've hurt a note apologizing. Don't make excuses and don't tell them what they did wrong, it's not about them. It's about you knowing that you weren't perfect. Doesn't matter if they weren't either.
End your note, or tell them in person, that you want to change and will try. You could even, if you are feeling really bold, ask them what things specifically you've done to hurt them and how they think you could fix them.
Don't argue with them, even if you disagree. It's okay if you don't agree with all of thier feelings or if there are things you decide not to change.
The best place to begin is to tell people you are sorry, and to find out what needs to change.
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The Question
Okay. I took a tape measure couple weeks ago, and found my waist at a whopping 30 inches. Mortified, I glanced at charts and saw that that meant I had a size 11. I went to Hollister a few days ago, and tried the size. It hung off me like elephant skin. I tried a size 3, and found that it fit perfectly. What is this?? I should have to have 3 inches off my waist for that size. I've always worn 3's and don't know why my tape gives a 30 in. waist every time. I have no hips (31 in.), but don't know what that would have to do with it. Any help?
The Answer
Your tape is right. It's the sizes at stores that don't make any damn sense.
The people who make and sell you clothing are in the bussiness of making you feel good, not of being accurate.
If sizes of clothing where the same as they were in the 60's, I, who commonly wear a size 5 to 8, would wear a size 12 to 16. So why don't I?
As women aged they wanted to be the same size, so stores adjusted the sizing. The addition of size 00 did not happen because people are getting smaller, it happened because people are getting bigger, but don't want to know it.
The only place you'll find even remotely correct sizing is on patterns for sewing. Everything else has been warped beyond imagination. So don't worry about your size. It's like worrying about what to call the colour of your lipstick. It's needlessly exacting and pointless.
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The Question
Ok, i really like this guy named Shawn at my school. but there are some problems.
1)We really don't talk very much.
2)He is a grade above mine
3)There is this chick who "claimed" him as her's.
THEY AREN'T EVEN DATING!!!!! So why in the hell does she get to have him? My friends say that I shouldn't even try because I dont wanna mess with her because she'll kik my butt. Which is probally true, because i aint that strong. But still, why can she "claim" him?
The Answer
She can't claim him and she hasn't really claimed him.
You are just scared.
Thats your issue, not hers.
You can either ignore her stupid threats and go after him, or be scared and not.
It's all up to you.
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The Question
How do I get my ex boyfriend of seven months out of my mind. I think about him three dozen times a day, it pisses me off more then ever when he goes out of his way to flirt in front of me. I can't take it, its like he still controls me. Seven months of emotional abuse I know have to talk to a counseler about! Why does he get to be the one that ended it so easily!? How do I get over him and on with my life?
The Answer
Time.
There really is no other solution. I had a two year relationship end over six months ago, and he still creeps into my brain sometimes, although I have barely spoken to him since.
It's only human. You can't turn your emotions off like a lightswitch. He probably can't either (unless he is sub-human... but that is neither here nor there.)
Don't beat yourself up over your feelings.
Ignore and avoid him as best as you can.
As new people and activities come into your life, you will find it easier to forget about him and he will slowly have less and less influence over you. You don't need to dive into a new guy! Just occupy yourself! Bake something, make a craft or find a project or club at school that you can really get into.
Your head is the right place: You know he shouldn't have power and you know he's just a dick. Give your heart some time. It will catch up.
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The Question
My english teacher gave us the most impossible assignment on the planet - we have to write 10 pages (no more, no less) on what the ministry of tourism would say if a island started exporting their "newly found" oil.. and the only info she's given us is that the main source of income for the country comes from the tourism and fishing scene. SO that gives me like a good 5 sentences where I write about how the oil pumps and such will lead to a decrease in tourism.. but how the heck do i fill 10 pages? Everyone in my class agrees that its stupid, we've talked to her and other teahcers about it but they say we HAVE TO do it. So should I just not do it? Or should I just fill out 10 pages by rambling about how ugly the island will look (cause i really cant think of anything else the ministry of tourism would say - like how else would eploiting the oil effect the tourism of a country?!?) Its so stupid! I hate her! :(
The Answer
It's called an exercise in the ability to bullshit.
Your teacher has asked for a few basic facts and thoughts about tourism and a whole bunch of bullshit. Give her the best bullshit you can think of, hand it in, and then forget about it.
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The Question
Ok so I don't know how I found this site, but its www.bumdek.com They have designer stuff for cheaper and I was wondering if anyone had any feedback on this site? They have wicked cute a&f sweatshirts that I really want, and a juicy purse I want too. But I just don't want to get scammed, ya know? So any feedback about this site is much appreciated!
The Answer
I don't need to have used this site: It is a scam.
100% scam. They will simply take your money.
How do I know? Look at thier payment page. They accept only Western Union and money transfers through the Bank of China. Both are untracable, and offer no protection agianst theft. They are for money 'transfers' not for sales, and will simply say 'You didn't get what you wanted? Well then you shouldn't have tranfered them your money!'
They give some lame excuse about paypal not being able to be used in China... that is blantently false. Paypal is a bit more difficult to access funds from in China yes, but it's more then perfectly possible and hunderds of sellers use it. This site don't want to use paypal because paypal actually pays attention and is for sales. Paypal would catch on thier scam pretty damn quick and shut them done.
NEVER buy anything online that doesn't accept paypal or a trusted third party like Mastercard or Visa. Even then, be wary.
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The Question
okay let's say you were in this situation: You're a SMART student...and you always read everything on time and complete work. but one one certain night, you can't finish a book because it makes you fall asleep [there are like 3 chapters remaining]. would you use sparknotes? would you feel guilty about it? do you think it's acceptable once in a while?
The Answer
I don't think there is EVER any wrong with using Sparknotes or other study aids. As long as you read them with discretion and know that they are not always accurate and reliable and are not a good substitute for the actual material.
If Sparknotes is all you read, well, then you don’t learn as much and you’ve wasted the teacher’s time and your own. Maybe you still get okay grades, but not great ones. There is nothing inherently *wrong* with that. It doesn’t make you an evil person. A lot people do it. It’s just lazy and ineffective learning.
Resourcefulness is part of being smart. Time management is part of being smart. Taking care of your body is part of being smart.
So long as you aren't plagiarizing that study guide and simply using it to add to existing knowledge, I see no ethical problem at all.
Your education is your business. Do the best you can with it.
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The Question
Okay so i was in a really serious relationship and we were in love and the whole 9 yards. but then we just broke up and the day after i was a complete mess, and i didn't shower and went to school, hair up, in sweats, no makeup, looking like i just got high because my eyes were so wore out from crying. ((Completely not me, i'm always dolled up looking like a girly girl))
For guys-- If you were the guy in this situation, would you rather see your ex. like that for a while showing you that you've made her miserable? Or would you rather see her looking better than ever showing her what you've lost? What would hurt you the most? or make you the most jealous?
For girls--What do you think? Should I go on looking amazing or keep looking like crap until i pull myself together? ((read guys question))
I don't know what to do in general either, do i try and make him jealous? Do i just keep living a happy life and show him that i'm doing great without him? or miserable without him? Idk.
HELP!
The Answer
This is the trick to breaking up:
STOP CARING WHAT HE THINKS/FEELS/WANTS/WHATEVER.
Don't try to do things that will effect him. It just drags everything out. You end up arguing about nothing just because you are trying to keep his attention focused on you and the breakup drama.
Worse then that, it slows down the process of getting over him.
He's gone! He doesn't get to be the centre of your universe anymore. His response to the way you dress don't matter, at all.
Yeah, I know you are going to think about him and how he sees you know, you can't help that, but you can't let those thoughts about him dictate how you live your life, or even how you dress!
Dress the way you want too. Be friends with the people you want too. Flirt if you want too. To hell with him and what he thinks. His opinion should no longer carries any wieght in your life.
Take whatever time, and do whatever you need to help YOU. If dolling yourself up makes you smile, do it. If mucking around in sweat pants helps you chill and relax, do that!
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The Question
hi do morning after pills work..and if the girl takes a pill instead of the guy useing a condom so the guy can cum in side her whats better??
The Answer
Morning after pills should NOT be used as a planned contraceptive. They aren't meant for that.
If you have going have sex, take birth control, use condoms, or both.
The morning after pill is not as effective as condoms. It's not a substitute for condoms. Ever.
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The Question
Hey! im 17 got my G1 in feb 2007.... and im in driving school to get my G2.
But my mom just WONT take me driving! and when she dose its in a parking lot!
how can i convince her to take me driving?
The Answer
Calm down a bit and tell your mother this:
It's a waste of money to be doing your in-car classes if she isn't going to help you find time to practice. You need to start slowly yes, and go out at quite times of day, like Sundays mornings or right after school before it gets busy.
You MUST practice or you won’t pass. That would be a waste of everyone's time and energy. Not to mention disappointing.
You simply don't get enough time in a car in the lessons. Your instructors will say the exact thing.
After you very calmly express that to her, here is the REALLY important part:
ASK her what the problem is. Is she nervous in the car with you? Does she have trouble making time? Is there something you can do to help? If she doesn’t want to help you with this, is their a neighbor or friend of the family who could teach you instead. If she is unwilling to drive with you, would she be willing to pay for a few extra lessons? Show her this is important, not by whining or begging, but by listening seriously and offering practical solutions to whatever the problems are that she is facing.
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The Question
Idk about this kid anymore (he's a sort of ex), but here's the situation.
All I wanted to do was the talk to him (I told a friend to tell him to call me, since I have no classes with him), and he was like "No..she's going to ask me to homecoming".
After he said that, I was just irritated, and said "You know what? Screw you, jackass. Just so you know, I have a boyfriend, and I'm already going to homecoming with someone. I just wanted to talk to you."
According to my friend, he was really shocked and he acts all awkward around me now, but whatever.
Now, I hear that he admitted to liking this girl that's been, like, stalking him. i mean, she's a nice girl and all, but anyone with a brain can tell that he doesn't like her.
But anyways, he admitted to liking the girl to one of my best friends (the same best friend who told him to call me)
Is he trying to make me jealous? I know full well that he doesn't like this girl. About a year ago, he supposedly told her "I used to like you, but not anymore". He looks hella bored when she tries talking to him. Yet, he is apparently going around telling people he likes her, and has convinced my best friends that he does like her.
But I don't believe it at all. This girl has liked him for two years, and he's known that. It just seems odd to me.
Your thoughts?
The Answer
Why does it matter? At all.
He is obviously a bit confused, doesn't seem to want to talk to you, and it doesn't sound like you much want to talk to him.
It doesn't matter what the hell he feels for her, or for you, or what his motivations are. You have a boyfriend. You've moved on. Ignore him.
Stop letting him, and your friends, get you caught up in totally pointless drama.
You can never really know what he feels, and it's his life, he can do whatever he wants with it. Just let it go.
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The Question
me and my girlfriend have been going out for about 7 months, we've never really "gone at it" like fought fought, with screaming and yelling.
well im 15, turn 16 in march and theres kid that i DO NOT like who's 16 and drives. he drives her everywhere with her friends, and only once has he drivin her anywhere alone (which was from her practice to her house, and she called me once she got home).
he doesn't like me either, long story there but its irrelevant. so me going with her anywhere in that same car is out of the question.
i'm not going to lie i'm extremely jealous, and i feel like...worthless? because if she gets stuck anywhere, she has to call him to pick her up. and he's not a good driver, infact, i've heard of several "just missed" happenings with him. and my girlfriend was in the car.
His cars an old beat up ford contour, and i have a nice 98 camaro. minor relief there.
but once again, who's 16 and has a license.
is it ok to be pissed?
how should i explain how this makes me feel to my girlfriend? I've tried before and failed miserably.
The Answer
It's always 'okay' to a feel a certain way. You can't control your feelings, but before you act on them you have to ask yourself if your expectations are reasonable or not.
You can express your feelings to your girlfriend just the way you expressed your feelings here. It sounds like you have tried, and have spoken to her about this. You may try asking her to ‘just listen’ and not argue and defend because you need to be certain that she has heard you out on this subject even if she doesn’t agree.
What you also need to recognize is just because you *feel* a certain way, doesn't mean she must change her behavior. If she is comfortable in a car with him, despite his ‘near misses’ getting into that car is her choice to make. If she wants to maintain a friendship with him despite you two not getting along, that is also her choice. You can’t tell her not too, and your feelings might not be enough of a reason to make her choose differently. You have said yourself, that her other choices for transportation are limited.
Choosing to continue to accept rides from this guy, even alone, doesn’t make her an evil person or means she doesn’t understand your feelings.
The problem with ‘explaining our feelings’ is often what we often really want is for the other person to start to feel the same way and change. That rarely happens. Her feelings are just as ‘okay’ as any of yours.
So what do you do?
One: Stop expecting her to change. Respect her right to choose, even if you don’t agree with her choice, and trust her to be true to you. If she didn’t want you, she wouldn’t be with you. If you can’t trust her, you shouldn’t be with her.
Two: Take responsibility for your own behavior. Feelings are never ‘wrong’ so jealousy is perfectly okay as a feeling, but when it makes someone say things like “Never speak to that person ever again!” or “I can’t stand it when you are alone with that person!” it becomes not okay. That isn’t just jealously, that is distrust and that is controlling.
Explain your worry and your frustration at not being able to provide for her and your concern with her safety. Even explain your jealousy and dislike for this person. Tell her how it makes you feel, just don’t expect her to share all your feelings or to change. You can respect another person’s feelings without agreeing with or letting them guide you.
For instance, I deeply respect my mother’s opinion that I shouldn’t be sexually active, but I am, and I won’t stop it just because of her feelings on the subject. I also respect a friend’s dislike and choice not to be around my boyfriend, obviously I don’t agree with her feelings, but I still acknowledge them and don’t force her to do something she doesn’t want too.
You can’t control your girlfriend. You can only be clear and honest with her.
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The Question
When you are participating in sexual intercourse and the guy or girl cums, what are you supposed to do with it (wipe it off, leave it there, etc.???)
The Answer
Showers after sex are gennerally a good idea, from a hygiene and a comfort point of view.
Washing sheets on a regular bases is also quite wise, but is the responsibilty of the person who owns the bed, not the guest.
Blood, though not pain, can be ignored.
Don't over think everything! Relax a bit. It's supposed to be fun. If it aint, don't do it.
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The Question
My mom is way too involved in my 15yr old life; when I go out with friends, the second I walk out the door she texts me starting up a conversation. If I don't answer, I get grounded. If I ask her to let me be with my friends without another converstation going on, she goes off about how I must not need her and she stops talking to me all together. She always texts/harrasses my boyfriend about our fights and things going on in our lives that I don't want her to hear. I don't know what to do, I hate it, my boyfriend hates it and I just can't get her to quit! I want my own life back!
The Answer
Your mom is needy and attention seeking.
Now, that doesn't mean you are a perfect little angel, but those are your mom's faults and issues. She's allowed to have faults and issues, she's only human after all, and you allowed to draw a line and sand and say "No Mom."
It is perfectly fair to ignore text messages while out with friends. Tell your mother calmly that although you love her, it is disrespectful to your friends to be always texting her while you are with them. If there is an emergency or something she needs right away, tell her to call you and you'll pick up.
Then stop texting her back.
Yes, you will get grounded. Probably a few times. You are gonna have to live with that if you want to make it clear to your mother that you are not going to participate in this anymore. If you don’t give up, she probably will.
If she calls you always pick up. That is only fair. She’s your mom and she needs to know that she can contact you if there is a problem. If it isn't emergency (and it probably often wont be) say this "Sorry Mom. Now isn't a good time. Love ya. I'll see ya soon. Bye!" Then hang up on her.
Sometimes adults are wrong. Often, as a child or teen we just have to live with that and accept that even though they might be wrong, we have to abide by their decisions, because they are the adults.
This is not one of those situations.
This is a situation where you dig in your heels. Because if you don't do now, you'll still be getting calls at work when you are 30. Break the pattern. Suffer the consequences. Don't give in. What she is doing isn't okay.
When she gives you the silent treatment, remind her that you love her, and then ignore her childish 'silent treatment' behavior.
Now, as for the boyfriend: He needs to ignore her texts and stop picking up her calls. Period. She and he have no business having a relationship like that with him. Tell her that he will not respond to her texts anymore, that your relationship is between the two of you and that she is just going to have to trust you to come to her if there is a real problem.
Then, GO TO HER, if there is a real problem. Remember she isn’t doing this because she hates you or because she doesn’t trust you. She is doing this because she is NEEDY and feels unloved and insecure. No matter how hard it is, impress on your mother that you love her each time you two fight, and remind her that her over-involvement is making you both angry and resentful and you’ll only be happy if the two of you can respect each other.
Then do your best to reduce her insecurities. Talk to her about your problems and ask her to just listen, rather then try to get involved, ask her about her problems and worries, and sympathize with her. The more she feels certain of your concern and care for her, the less she should feel the need to cling to you.
She is still your mom and she gets to be the parent. She is allowed to be unfair and stupid. Even down right mean. She is allowed to change your curfew, ground you, have a say in what you do and where you go. She is still the parent and you need to respect that, but draw a line in a sand when it comes to the cell phone. No calls unless it is an emergency or vital information like “You need to be home for dinner, Grandma is coming” or the like, that means you OR your boyfriend.
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