Razhie


"This is the true joy in life - being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances." --George Bernard Shaw

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My official name is Manda, but I've been Razhie for almost as long. I'm a 28 year old woman who didn't use to be half as confident or brazen as she is now.

My advice is pretty good, not always perfect and rarely censored.

I can read what is written. I cannot read your mind.


Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.

Favourite Collumnists. (WittyUsernameHere.) (karenR.) (NinjaNeer.) (rainbowcherrie.) (DangerNerd.)


    The Question
    ok my boyfriend always fingers me and stuff but i never do nything to him i don't know what to do. because he always like puts my hand on his penis but i pull away because i have no idea what i'm doing could you tell me what to do thanks!

    The Answer
    Ask him.

    He touches himself. He knows what he likes. Don't be a chicken, if you really want to know, ask.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    I know that this is immoral. I also know that this question will make me sound like a selfish, spoilt brat.
    I have a consciense, I have a personal faith and I may or may not act on the information you give me.
    It's taken me alot of wrangling with myself to even ask this question:

    What is the best way to break up a new relationship between a pair of sixteen yearolds without spreading malicious gossip.
    Gentle and subtle is what I'm going for here.
    I like them both but I can't let this happen because if I don't tell him how I feel I might never see him again after this coming July. I can't tell him while he's going out with her.

    Thankyou for any advice you can give me. It's much appreciated.

    (NB F/16)

    The Answer
    You can tell him while he is going out with her. Sure, it isn't the best thing to do, but it is certainly more decent and honorable then attempting to break them up however 'gently'. Be honest and simple and say "I know you are with someone, but I just need to tell you I've had these feelings for you for ages and I'm afraid I'll never see you again."

    That is honest, non-bitchy, and straightforward. It still puts him in a tough place, but if you stop there and just let him respond you might find he can put your fears to rest, or tell you just as frankly that he isn't interested.

    There really isn't any other approach for a decent human being to take, besides not saying anything at all.

    A few facts of life dear:

    Nothing you do will change what to people feel for one another. You can't 'break them up'. You can be a vicious bitch and make their lives unpleasant, but if they don't want to break up, you will fail. They will either breakup because they choose to, or not.

    July is a long ways away. Your feelings might change, or even more likely, their relationship might change.

    There is no reason why you cannot stay in contact with this guy beyond July. Unless he is moving to a third world country with no communication, you can still speak to him. It will be harder, but if he is leaving, it will be harder whether he knows about you feelings or not.

    And lastly, having the desire to break up a couple doesn't make you a bad person, being jealous and wanting someone doesn't make you a bad person. However, acting on those feelings does!

    Whatever you do, do it with respect for all parties involved.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    Can you get pregnant from anul sex?

    The Answer
    Oh this always annoys me so much!

    Although it's true you can't get pregnant from anal sex specifically, you are still getting sperm very close to your vaginal opening and maybe in contact with the vaginal fluids. If sperm makes contact with the vaginal fluids it is possible to get pregnant in that way.

    It's a slim chance yes, but the risk is still there. It is still sex: Sex always carries that risk. Use a condom or birth control to minimize the risk; don't just hope for the best.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    OK this is the hardest thing i have ever been through.. :( and i have never felt this way about someone before..we have been through so much and shared so many good memories..well the story goes like this...
    A girl comes out of nowhere and starts flirting with my bf of 9 months on myspace. They wind up hanging out at a football game with friends and he tells me he has some feelings for her. This was heartbreaking. However..i wanted to work it out with him so when he suggested 'open relationship' as in he dates her(not go out) and maybe kisses/hugs her and i agreed to this and to still be with him. I decided it wasnt fair to me..because we had 9 months..i dont desserve this and it hurts..so i break up with him..He says he loves me and sees a future with me as in marriage..that it wont get serious with the new girl but how am i supposed to know? (i mean he might go out with her he says..what do i do then?)They are hanging out more..they call each other..shes driving me nuts with her shoutouts to him and comments..and hes putting her shoutout in his info..its just too much and it breaks my heart. I dont know what to do..isolate myself from him..like not talk to him or hang out or anything so he makes a choice? (like if hes away from me maybe he will miss me..or maybe he will decide he wants her) Or do i be his friend? do i kiss him still and cuddle? i really want to..but this is very hard for me. Hes a sweetheart though. he told me everything..he was honest about her..and we made an agreement that he tells me everything and he has. they were talking together by the lake..they might go to the movies tomorro..i flip flop back and forth though..be his friend and hang out/talk/cuddle/kiss him...but sometimes i feel so sad and hurt i feel like i should back away completely. what do i do? is this worth the wait?

    The Answer
    Back off from him, avoid him as well as you are able.

    It's a good idea you have there. Oh yes, it will certainly hurt, but it's your intellect that is pushing that plan on you.

    The situation he wants isn't working for you. Nothing is going to magically change and make an open relationship make you happy.

    Both parties in the relationship, even an open one, must be happy in order for it to survive. It's very flattering that he sees a future with you, but if he sees that future as being with you and a parade of other women from time to time, you are well within your rights to say that isn't the future you want.

    Tell him calmly and in a straightforward way that an open relationship is just not going to be okay with you. You wish it could be, because you still want to be with him and make him happy, but it just makes you miserable. If you donâ??t want to be his cuddle buddy, tell him that too. You sound like you are the kind of girl who wants to either be in a relationship or not, no dumb gray areas. I am exactly the same

    You don't need to insist he choose between you and her. You don't need to bully or beg him. Just tell him how you feel and tell him that in order to properly move on you are not going to talk to him or hang out for a while, and then do it. Don't speak to him for at least three weeks. If he tries to contact you, don't respond to any calls or e-mails until that time is up. It will hurt like hell, but you will feel better at the end of it.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    Recently I saw my ex bf's friend at the bar. When I was dating my ex I always felt that his friend had feelings for me because he was always so nice and he seemed to really care about me. I remember once me and my ex got in a fight and he tried to make me feel better. Anyways; he never acted on his feelings because he had; and still has a gf. Well when I was dancing at the bar; although I never talked to him his gf kept glaring at me. I had no idea why because he's WAY to old for me and I am not interested. He is in his 50's and I'm in his 20's. Why do you think she was glaring at me? Do you think she sees me as a threat? She is probably in her early 40's.

    The Answer
    Why does it matter?

    Maybe she is threatened, maybe she recognized your face and just couldn't place you, maybe you had food in your teeth, maybe she was looking for a good moment to come over and say hi, maybe she wasn't even looking at you or maybe she thought your shirt particularly ugly.

    If you aren't interested in her guy, it doesn't matter at all. It's a waste of your mental energy to even bother worrying about what this random woman thinks of you. Unless you are telepathic you will never know what she was thinking, which is okay, because her feelings will never affect you in any way.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    The other day I asked my boyfriend if we could take a break. I just wanted alone time. And he got really emotional about it and started crying and such. I wasn't breaking up with him. I just wanted a break. Later on that day after talking with him I decided that I didn't want to take a break anymore. So what is wrong with me. I am so indecisive right now.I've been doing alot of this lately. I don't know what I want. I love him and I've been going out with him for alittle over a year now. And I'm 17..

    The Answer
    It's okay to be confused and indecisive, but it's not very nice to drag other people along that emotional rollercoaster with you.

    Next time, rather then asking for a break right off the bat, try talking about your feelings with your boyfriend instead. Maybe what you really wanted was more time to spend with your friends/family or on school work. Maybe you were just tired of the same old dates. There are a hundred possible problems, that he might be able to help you solve or deal with, that really had nothing to do with breaking up with him, and since you've now changed your mind, I would bet it wasn't really the relationship you were unhappy in.

    You also learned a really important lesson about people. For most people 'taking a break' really means "I don't have the balls to break-up with you right now but that's the way we're headed." That might not be what you meant, but that is what your boyfriend heard, so that is what he responded too.

    There is nothing wrong with you, you just need to learn to handle these feelings a bit better, with a bit more respect for your boyfriend. Even if you do breakup or a take a break, at least if you've been talking about the problems, he will be able to better understand and deal with it.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    i'm going to italy to visit a guy that i really like, he told me not to fall in love with him, but at the same time he is taking me to venice for 3 days, how can i not fall in love with all the romance he is going to give me, we already had sex. what does this mean? can he be confused or am i? he acts like he really likes me.

    The Answer
    I don't know about him, but you are certainly confuzzled aint you?

    Before you leave, you MUST figure out the answer to this question: What do you want?

    If you want a relationship. Fine. Act accordingly.
    If you want to have some casual fun with him. Fine. Act accordingly.
    If you don't want to develop feelings or sleep with him. Fine. Act accordingly.

    Oh yeah, and tell him what you want.
    And ask him what he wants.

    No one is a mind reader. You want to know what on earth he is thinking, you better be willing to ask.

    BUT If you don't want to fall in love with him, maybe avoiding quite candlelit dinners wouldn't be a bad idea? Maybe not going through the motions of long conversations and cuddling would be wise? Avoiding situations that lead to what you do NOT want would certainly be a good idea.

    So take some control of your situation dear. Talk to the boy about what it is you would like to do while visiting him. You'll feel better if it's made clear and you will feel more in control. You don't have to let things just happen to you. You can define the situation the way you want it.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    Why do many non-Christians celebrate Christmas? Christmas is a celebration of the birth of Jesus, so I just don't understand how anyone who doesn't believe in Jesus could celebrate his birth just for presents. And why do nonreligious people have to celebrate Christmas? Why not Hannukah or Kwanza?

    Also, why do people who only celebrate Christmas and Easter consider themselves Christian? (people who don't pray or go to church, but still celebrate Christian holidays)

    The Answer
    The shortest and clearest answer is this: Because they can.

    People were encouraged, by law, for the longest time to engage in these Christian-eque rituals. So they fell into the habit, they do what their parents and grandparents do, even when they fell out of the faith.

    Christmas is no longer limited to it's religious connotations (in fact, it never really was! Read up on your history of Christmas. Even ignoring the pagan roots of the holiday, particularly interesting are the Christmas riots in England in the 16th and 17th century. You'll learn quickly that Christmas, even back then, had dreadfully little to do with Jesus and a lot to do with partying and politics.)

    Why do people who only attend church at Christmas and Easter consider themselves Christians? Again, because they can. Because very few churches are going to kick those people out, or judge them too harshly for it. Why would the church, or their fellow Christians, judge them or insult them? Don't you want them there are church? Aren't they just as worthy of the message as any of you? Don't you still hold out hope for them?

    Most modern Christians tolerate or even embrace Easter and Christmas Christians because of the evangelical nature of Christianity. They want more people involved. They are called to spread the word. They want more people to be saved.

    It is the history of Christianity that has created this current situation. Be very careful when passing judgments on those who are responding to history, culture and religion. Those are not things you can escape either.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    If material is purchased after the contract scheduled time, and the price goes up since the initial cost estimate, WHO's picking up the difference of cost?

    The Answer
    Typically, the contractor.

    They have been paid a specific amount to do the job. An amount they quoted the client as the job costing. If that quote wasn't an accurate assessment of what the job would cost, the contractor must swallow it.

    Although I’m curious why materials purchased after the contract is closed… It’s odd and maybe there is some allowance in the contract for this. I really am not sure of all the finer points.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    I know its really weird, but I've liked my teacher since being in his class last year. I don't know what to do and it is getting awkward just to be around him. Hes twice my age!! What should I do? I graduate this year and I'm afraid I will still like him then.

    The Answer
    There is one wonderful cure for any crush: time and distance.

    You shouldn't be afraid of still having a crush on him after your graduate. I promise you, it wont last very long when you aren't running into him regularly and certainly not as you move on in your life to much more exciting things then high school.

    Crushes are fine and fun, and you seem to know how unrealistic this one is, so just relax. It will go away if you don’t sit around and worry on it.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    so i told my boyfriend I think we shoudl take abreak because he was being way to controlling and overpowering and he fraked out saying he was gonna drive his car into a tree and drove away..i found him and we talked and he keeps saying that if we broke up he would die..this relationship isn't good for me..how do i get out of it

    The Answer
    You do exactly what you did, just be firmer. Don't ask for a break. You don't really want a break do you? What you want is the hell out of this. So tell him it's over and don't chase after him no mater what he says.

    His stupid threat of self-harm is just one more way he is being controlling and trying to bully you. Even if he does something that amazingly stupid, it's not your fault, it is him being an idiot.

    In the end, people are responsible for themselves. You are responsible for your own happiness and health, which is why you need to end this relationship completely and he is responsible for himself. So if does something stupid, that’s his problem. Don’t let him even try to make it yours.

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    The Question
    tonight, jill came up to me and asked me if i went to julie's house the night before. i said no and asked her why. she said "oh, she had people over" and i was like oh. no big deal - i wouldn't have really cared if i wasn't invited. so, later on jill came up to me again and said (i didn't ask her to ask julie this, but she did anyway), "julie said that you were invited and she told mary (my other friend) to tell you about it, but she said you couldn't go." mary never told me anything, and the fact that i couldn't go was a lie. should i talk to mary about it? like, what should i say?

    The Answer
    Hearing something about a friend from a friend of that friend is a really great way to get incorrect information.

    It might have just been honest confusion and unless you have some other reason to distrust Mary, I would just let it go. At very least, before you confront her, speak to Julie and make sure what Jill told you about the whole thing was accurate.
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    The Question
    Thank you SO much!I have you on my Favorite Columists list so can i ask you that way or e-mail you?Cuz i need help!!

    The Answer
    As I said before, you can do whichever you'd like: Ask me here or send me an e-mail at purplemaidenmanda@hotmail.com. I don't mind either. I am going to bed very shortly (It's 2 am here :S) so I might need to get back to you tommorrow.

    Just to remind you tho, questions need to be used to ask for advice, using them for personal messages is a no-no, so just watch yourself when you ask things like this.

    Take care hun.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    I saw your colum and you seem good at this.I am too,exept i am new.I was wondering if you could help me understand somethings.I don't care what you help me on,i just really need help. {to me} You seem llike a prfensinal.So will you help me?Plez?

    The Answer
    I will help if I can. That's what I am here for after all. You can send me an e-mail if you'd like, or you can ask for advice here. Whichever works for you.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    well see my issue is that i lost my virginity in the WORST way possible, and now that ive had sex i dont want to stop.. all i think about is sex and everything that comes out of my mouth is sex, and i know this sounds horrible but its not as bad as it seems but i have had sex with about 4 people and i have not gone out with either of them..even the person i lost my virginity to.. is that bad?? sometimes i feel like a whore and some girls call me a slut what should i do?

    The Answer
    If you are not happy with your own sexual behavior it's on you to stop what you are doing.

    You seem to be unhappy, you seem to think that the situation you've found yourself in is a very bad one, so now you need to take charge of it and change what is happening.

    We can only be victims of our circumstance for so long, and then we have to take responsibility for it. Yeah, it's hard to break habits and it's really tough to change the way we think. But it is doable, and there are no real tricks to it. Just keep yourself busy and avoid situations where something you don't want to have happen might happen.

    If you aren’t happy with yourself, change.
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    The Question
    16/F
    Here it goes..kinda long. Thursday (Oct 28) I had a doctor's appointment at 3:15PM. I emailed my mom the weekend before telling her I had an appointment and she'd need to give me a checkout note for school so I could leave early. Thursday morning, I was about to leave for school (I was leaving later than usual) and I asked my mom if she had written a note for me. She replied, "I thought it was on Friday". I huffed and said, "It's a good thing I don't rely on you". I don't ask my mom to do much for me at all(I do: grocery shopping, cooking, and cleaning for myself; I also transport myself where ever I need to go). I told her I don't rely on her because I ask her to do so very little, yet she forgets to do it. However, I do ask for money from my parents to buy gas, clothes, food, etc. since I don't have a job(my parents told me not to get a job so I can concentrate on school). Now BOTH of my parents won't say much at all to me and I'm being stared at. What should I do about ALL of this?

    The Answer
    Apologize to your mother and get over yourself.

    The financial obligations of her son to her grandchild are a bigger deal then a note excusing you from school. That is simply a fact of life.

    Yeah, your mother could be considerate and more aware of you, but she is only human, and apparently she is an imperfect human being. All parents are imperfect and if you are so self-sufficient she might just trust you enough not to worry about the details of your life unless you bring them up.

    You are angry with her and that is just fine, but her imperfections don't give you permission to say something that is only meant to hurt her. Saying something like "It's a good thing I don't rely on you." would be like her saying "Yeah, I forgot about that doctorâ??s appointment. It's a good thing I don't really give a damn about you."

    It's mean. Pointlessly mean and hurtful, so apologize to her for saying that. I simply have no sympathy for teenagers who say mean things to their parents unless those parents are openly malicious. Yours aren't, they are just forgetful, and your statement makes you look just as insensitive, if not more so, then your mother.

    Instead of hating your mother for this, learn from it. Next time write down what you need from her and leave it somewhere where she is sure to see it or remind her with enough time for her to do something about it, maybe send her an e-mail the night before with a friendly reminder. Sometimes in order to get what we need we must make the system idiot proof, if we fail to do that, it isnâ??t fair to blame others because our own communication style was flawed. E-mailing someone for something as simple as a note you donâ??t need for at least four days is almost certain to be forgotten. I certainly would have forgotten about it.

    Iâ??m sorry to be so harsh on you darling, I certainly do understand your building frustration with this situation, but part of growing up and being truly self-sufficient it making sure you can get what you need from others. Another part is holding your tongue while frustrated so that you donâ??t say needlessly mean things, so apologize to your mother, discuss your frustration calmly, and try one of those other techniques next time to make everyoneâ??s life simpler.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    Just a few little questions.
    1.What is the average age that teenage girls get sexually active without seeming like a whore?

    2.What do guys think of girls who believe in staying a virgin until they are married?

    The Answer
    You’re mature enough to have sex when you are comfortable and secure enough in your choice that you will not feel like a whore.

    Honestly, if I had to pick a good age to loose your virginity, I would say about 19. Before then, sex is a completely needless complication in a relationship.

    I respect someone who chooses to save themselves for marriage. I think it's a little silly and archaic and I wouldn't choose to date them, but I can respect the choice anyways. Make sure your values when it comes to sex are compatible with your partners. If one of you feels you should wait for marriage and the other thinks marriage is a broken old-fashion institution without any real meaning things will be very tough.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    Ok, whenever me and my boyfriend try to have sex.. I panic. I have panic attacks, where I just suddenly get nervous and scared and just want to cry. And that's how it ALWAYS ends up when we're trying to have sex. I'm really into it and everything, and I want to.. he never forces me or pressures me to have sex with him, so it's not like I don't want to do it. I'm ok while we're making out, but then more physical stuff comes, and I'll be ok for a few minutes, but then I get scared, like somethings wrong, and I get nervous, and I end up crying. My boyfriend has no problem with this, I mean he worries about me, but he doesn't care to stop, or have no sex at all.. When we first started being sexually active, I was fine.. but here lately this started happening. I just don't understand that if I want to have sex and I'm into it, I'm in the mood and everything.. that I get nervous and panic, and end up crying?? I thought that maybe I'm really not ready, and should wait a while. I really don't know what to do..

    The Answer
    Arousal is strangely similar to panic and you aren’t alone at all in having this problem. A lot of the same things happen to your body, you get warm, your breathing changes and your adrenaline pumps up. You are just used to panicking in that situation, not enjoying the sensations.

    If you aren't already being treated for your panic attacks, either through therapy or with medications, certainly see a doctor. Panic attacks don't have to be just the way life is, there is plenty of room to improve and defuse them.

    Other then that, explore some other positions for sex. The first thing that comes to mind is with you on top, where you have more control and can stop before the panic swells up to much, pause and continue as you can. If you can avoid it, don’t actually stop having sex when you start to get nervous, just slow down a lot, until you feel a bit calmer.

    Really, I bet you just need to re-train yourself. You know intellectually you don't need to panic, it is probably more force of habit then an actual attack. Try to break the habit.

    Good Luck.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    I got braces today at 2:00pm. I have two tests to take tomorrow and I really need to be able to sleep, but I can't because of my braces. My teeth are hurting very bad and my lips are swollen. I know that it's normal, but I really need my sleep. I've already tried the wax strips and aleve. Neither one of those things are helping, though. Does anyone know of something else that works quickly?

    The Answer
    You only got the braces a few hours ago hun, it's going to hurt like hell. It just is. It might even distract you from your tests tomorrow.

    You could try to take a bit of drowsy medication, like a nighttime cold medicine or gravol, to help you sleep. But you still probably won’t sleep well.

    The best thing to do is to explain your situation to your teachers. Take the tests anyways, but let them know you are in a lot of pain and that you are worried about your performance on them. They might be able to provide other options and support.
    (View All Other Answers.)



    The Question
    Ok look this really sucks. Me and my girlfriend have been dateing for a little over 4 months and well when we first started daten it was june 14th and on july 4th i accedently got messed up and cheated on her with one of my x's but we didnt do nothin i just kissed her well when i soberd up i felt like crap so i went home and i told my girl right as soon as i got ahold of her well it killed her and me but we stayed together, now we love each other more than i can explain she is everything to me i would give anything up for her. and well now she keeps thinkin about it i have appoligized in every way possible but she is still till this day thinkin about it and we get in a argument every time she brings it up and sometimes they get pretty intense. but my question is how do i get her to forget about it i mean shes not mad at me or nuttin she just gets all tore up but how do i get her to forget it and let it go on by i know its hard to forget something like that but i mean its been almost 4 months sence it happend can someone please help me...

    The Answer
    You made a mistake. A very hurtful one yes, but just a mistake. You've done your best to repair the damage.

    On her side there are two options. Either she is insecure and jealous still, or she uses that incident as leverage in an argument. At some point it is no longer your action that is the problem, but her response to it. If she can’t honestly forgive you, then the two of you need to break up, soon, or else suffer through this same argument over and over again.

    So ask her plainly if she can forgive you or not. Don’t ask what you need to do; you’ve done everything you can. It’s up to her now. Demand an honest answer and if she says she can forgive you, explain that you don’t expect to hear about it each time she is upset anymore. She can still talk about her pain or fear of cheating if it still worries her, but the blame you have should be in the past.

    It’s a fine line, and it sounds like this girl may not be able to manage it. If she can’t, you need to let her go. Continuing on this course will only torture you both and lead to a very messy break-up.
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