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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
It happened for the first time in my life today, and I go to Wal-Mart probably more than any other store. I feel offended. Wal-Mart is not like Costco, where workers always check receipts, so I feel like I was discriminated. I was taken aback, I thought the greeter was just going to say "good-bye" like they normally do, but then he asked me to show my receipt for literally $7 worth of items, in bags. I did self-checkout and then walked to the other side of the store, because it was heavily raining and I wanted to be closer to my car. I've done that a lot, actually, and never envisioned that could potentially come across as suspicious. But then the guy says I could have just somehow snuck in items and eluded all of the other Wal-Mart employees that would have seen me from the self-check out area all the way to the other side of the store. If that ever happens to me again, in any store in where receipt showing is not routine, I'll say to only show my receipt to them at the line for returns, and then vow to never again visit their location. Is this a fair response? I was wearing gym clothes, but I didn't look sloppy. I don't see why I would be singled out without any probable cause, but the assumption by the worker that I inherently would think to steal $7 worth of items, based on thin air. I work and have a clean criminal record. Unless that employee asks every single person who walks out that door to show their receipt, how is it not discrimination? Do I have any grounds to complain to a manager? I'd like to know that specific chain's policy. It's one way or the other. Either it makes sense they should ask all people to show their receipts, or they should ask nobody, unless there is actual probable cause other than some kind of random stereotype pulled out of that greeter's ass.
The Answer
Let it go.
Seriously. The most likely explanation is that they had theft problems at that store, and the staff were told to be more vigilant. Checking everyone would be unwieldy and perhaps physically impossible, but checking people who walk through the store after making their purchase is an utterly reasonable action, even if they don't manage to stop everyone who does it. Spot-checking is an imperfect system, but that doesn't mean it's never the right way to do a task, and it's doesn't make it inherently discriminatory either.
You are trying to make this personal. You are taking it personally. It probably wasn't. You don't really give any reason for us to believe that it was. You don't describe a pattern of a poor treatment, or any reason to believe it was a discriminatory action. What you described is one incident that inconvenienced you.
Complain if you want, but don't expect to be taken particularly seriously. You may get an apology, but when you leave the room they will shrug their shoulders and saying "You can't win 'em all" because that is the truth. You can choose to shop elsewhere. You can try to complain about the policy. You can complain about the particular person. None of it is likely to account to much.
If you don't want to look suspicious, the best way to do that is to immediately leave a store through the closest doors after completing your purchases. People who face frequent discrimination because of their race, or age, or social status, know that is a way to minimize the problems for themselves in retail stores. They know it's unfair they are actually being discriminated against, repeatedly and subtly. You didn't describe that, you described being inconvenienced by one person for one minutes for reasons that he told you were directly related to the way you behaved after completing your purchase.
Maybe you have faced a lot of discrimination in your life - I can't know that - but the way you told this story here, it's the kind of thing you'd be a happier and healthier person if you can let it go.
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The Question
This is in regards to my last post about my friend from Japan that has ignored me the first time I said no to his love. I don't believe that his behavior rates bullying. Unless he's telling me to be with him or he'll post negative comments/information about me online he's desperate and/or clingy. He doesn't bully me and I felt very uncomfortable reading the advice you gave me. I understand it's your opinion, but you took my post completely the wrong way.
I don't feel bullied by him and he hasn't attacked me in any way at all. It's more along the line of a minor obsession. This may not be a question, but I wanted to make things a little more understandable.
The Answer
I'm sorry you felt uncomfortable. I do think you need realize that a 'minor obsession' is not a compliment or a friendly thing. Someone who doesn't listen to you, or chooses not to take you seriously when you say no, is being very disrespectful.
If someone threatens you, that criminal! But a person doesn't have to do criminal things to be doing rude things, or bullying things. There are lots of things a person can do that are bullying behaviours that are not attacks or insults or crimes. Constantly forcing unwanted romantic attention on another person can absolutely be a bullying behaviour. Even if you aren't comfortable with that word applying to your particular situation.
I understand you don't feel bullied, but I'd like you to understand that bullying isn't just threats. It can be much more subtle than that. Some bullying may even look, on the surface, like it's a compliment, but if it's the kind of compliment that doesn't respect you or is designed to ignore or overrule you wishes, then it's not really a compliment at all.
You should take the great clarity and maturity you showed in these comments and use that when speaking to him. It's more important to be honest and clear - and to be clear about the respect you expect from a friend - then to avoid hurting someone's feelings.
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The Question
Hi, I have recently come across this website that basically has a bunch of young girls (all 17 or under) in pictures in their underwear or short shorts or pictures showing off their butts. None nude but some are just in bras and underwear. I was wondering is this website legal? I'm guessing since the young girls aren't fully nude its not considered child pornography? Could someone please help me understand if this is legal to be on the internet/why it is allowed?
The Answer
What you are describing it's not porn, and it is very likely legal.
In the states, pornographic images need to either show someone engaged in sexual act, or show their sexual organs.
The pictures you are describing may well be immoral, or in poor taste. It's also possible these young people are having their privacy invaded, or having these photos taken under duress. Those two things would be crimes, but the images themselves are not child pornography, because they are not porn.
There are lots, and lots, of things online that are not allowed. Something being wrong, or even illegal, doesn't mean it wont be online. Unfortunately, law enforcement doesn't have that much control, and they tend to focus on sexual images of prepubescent children, rather than teens, because those prepubescent children are in far greater danger when they are used to create phonographic images. Frankly, many of the images you are describing were probably taken with the consent of the young people involved.
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The Question
I've become friends with someone in Japan and have been talking to him for the past four-five months. The thing is that I'm 18 and he's 33. I didn't think it was that big of a deal. He started calling me "sister" and telling me that he loved me. I thought it was more of a sibling kind of love since he called me "sister." It began to get awkward when he started talking about seeing me and us living together. When I asked him how he really felt about me he said that he wanted to "make a love" with me. I explained that I didn't feel the same way and he shouldn't have referred to me as his sibling if felt that way. I told him that I was already in a relationship and thought it would end from there. The only thing that DID end was my title as "sister." After a while he began, again, telling me how much he loves me and wants to see me.
I will admit that it's partially my fault for not giving a stronger "no", and I do enjoy only some of the attention he gives me, but I can't stand hurting other people's feelings. The last time I dealt with something like this someone threatened their own life. He's also my friend and I don't know if he'd stop talking to me because of how I feel. What exactly am I suppose to do?
The Answer
Tell him he's being fucking rude, and not acting like a friend at all.
You gave a very strong no. You said you were in a relationship. You said you didn't realize he had those feelings. His behaviour now is not the behaviour of a friend, it's the behaviour of a bully. That is the behaviour of someone who didn't want to hear No, so pretended he didn't hear it, and thinks if they just keep pushing you you'll turn that no into a yes.
He heard you. He understood what you said to him. He decided what you think doesn't matter, that you are too stupid and too young to know what's best for you, so he'll just keep pushing at you until you realize your error and give him whatever he wants.
Don't blame yourself. This is on him. He thinks that bullying you is an okay thing to do. He thinks you don't have the right or the intelligence to actually say No to him. He doesn't respect what you say to him.
The good news, is it sounds like this is an online friendship, and it easier to type these things then say them outloud, but you do need to send him these messages very clearly.
Stop this.
It's not respectful.
It's not what a friend does.
If you can't be respectful of my relationship and my utter lack of romantic feelings for you, then you can't be my friend.
If he stops talking to you, good. That means he was NEVER your friend. He was just a guy who thought you were a vending machine for love, and if he just kept putting in coins, you'd spit out what he wants eventually. It's good if that kind of guy stop talking to you. That kind of guy will always make you miserable.
If he can be respectful, then you can be friends, but lets be brutally honest here: An older person who seeks out a much younger person, from another country, online for 'friendship', is very unlikely to actually be looking for friendship.
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The Question
So I have been married to my husband for 6 years together for almost 10 years. It is safe to say him and I have more or less come to a mostly great way of living our lives together. We understand each others faults and know how to deal with them (for the most part). We discuss every problem we have thoroughly and are very open. I love him very much!
Now I haven't had a really good friend who is female in a very long time. Now I started to feel a very strong connection with a girl and I considered her my best friend. She is 19 and is fairly naive (not to mention she broke up with her manipulative boyfriend a few months ago). She has also been very good friends with my husband to the point where he would consider her his best friend to.
Her and my husband have started to have a hard time communicating lately. It often seems like she is hostile to him. There is a reason that she started acting this way but that is too long a story. One day she starts in on me about how he is manipulating me into certain things and frankly insulted his fathering skills (we have two children). She said she is my best friend and can see that he is hurting me because she lives with us (before this altercation she wasn't home at all that week). I looked at her and calmly said she was judging our relationship and I did not appreciate it. She said she didn't think she was. She learned her lesson that her opinion was not necessary. I told her that I have been with him for ten years and I don't think I should have to defend our relationship to her especially when she really knows very little about us. I have dealt with defending this relationship to my whole family and my past best friend. I got to the point with my ex best friend that I could no longer defend my relationship to her and things were never the same. I thought she knew us a lot better than she showed me that day and that kinda crushed me. I learned I cant talk to anyone in depth about my feelings with anyone but my husband because they will all end up judging us in the end.
So here is the real problem. Ever since this occurred I have had horrible anxiety and depression off and on. I have determined I am having these issues because I am scared not only of her judging me but that everyone around me is also judging me. I have been having problems not being confident in my relationship with my husband. I have been feeling like we aren't communicating well right now. Like I am seeing those little things I have grown to live with and sometimes to love in him. She screwed with my confidence and I am often scared to talk in front of others...scared to be judged or that I will say something stupid. I am trying very hard to not feel and act this way and sometimes it works but I am sick of this pain in my chest from the anxiety and sick of double guessing things I say and do. Please help me fix this before I have to kick her out of my house for bringing me so much negativity.
The Answer
Therapy.
She's nineteen years old! She shouldn't have this sort of power over you. What the hell doesn't she know about being being a partner for 10+ years? Nothing.
So go to therapy, and frankly, while you are there, talk about the way you have isolated yourself from those who are critical of your husband. That's not a healthy way to deal with people who tell you things you don't want to hear. You need to find a way to recognize that people may disagree with you, or dislike some of your choices, while still loving and respecting you.
You deserve - and need - friendship and support in your life besides your husband. You should speak to a therapist about your anxiety, but also about managing your relationships with others with more confidence and respect. You are tossing a lot of away out of the desire to 'defend' your marriage. That's not a healthy approach for your own mental health, or for your marriage. If you become entirely dependant on your husband for emotional support and friendship, that's not a solid situation to be in for either of you. That's a lot to put on one person, and that unfair limit to put on yourself.
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The Question
My boyfriend and I and his best friend went to Vegas for his birthday. I thought it would be awesome if he could experience since he just turned 21. I'm 22. So on our way back his friend said that a "girl should never make a guy go to the strip flub because it can cause problems.And I'm not saying that to cause problems for you guys but a girl should never do that". We've been together for almost a year in about a month and I trust him and am pretty confident in what we have and that's why I was comfortable with it. is that wrong of me to be okay with him going to the strip club? So the same friend of my boyfriends has a sister. They've all known each other for years since they were in junior high. When we get back home the next day my boyfriend gets a call from the best friend's sister. She was calling about some drama that is currently happening with my boyfriend. We are in the car parked and When he finds out who it is he asks if he should stay in the car or go out??? I'm confused? Then a few minutes later her tells her he'll call her back. Then after he hangs up he says "why does she even care about my drama/business?" And then he blushes. Idk. Am I overreacting? She and I are sorta friends mostly talking on snap and texting randomly. I don't want to be the jealous crazy girlfriend but idk what to think. Thank you for responding!
The Answer
I have no idea what you are actually talking about here.
Did he go to a strip club? Did he not? Do you care? Are you worried he's going to cheat on you with his friend's sister? Seriously. What is the problem?
Do you even know what the problem is? Can't you just ask him what the hell is going on? What is this "drama" he's talking about? If you don't know, you are perfectly entitled to just asking him what the fuck is going on! That's not about being a jealous girlfriend, that's about asking your partner what the hell is going on their life!
I don't much like strip clubs, they are strange and the rather aggressive sexuality of them leaves me pretty cold personally. However, I really couldn't care less if my boyfriend went to one or not. I don't consider it cheating and let's be totally honest, on average people are way more likely to cheat with a friend or co-worker then with a stripper. A person who doesn't want to cheat, just wont, not even with a stripper.
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The Question
Two separate royal lines on both sides of my family, a couple generations back. I'm not sure what to make of it. Is this common for most people?
The Answer
That's probably uncommon, but it's worth it to remember that the further in the past you look, the sheer number of people you are related too gets amazingly large. Your parents are 2, then your grandparents make it 6, and your great grandparents 14... In that way, your number of direct ancestors (don't even worry about cousins or aunts and uncles!) basically doubles about every 25 years.
Which means if you got back 500 years, you have potentially 1 million ancestors, and if you got back 1,000, you'll find you have 500 billion ancestors. (Now, some of those ancestors would be duplicates - like if two cousins married, at some point they'd have shared a set of grandparents or great-grandparents, but you still get the basic idea.) So yeah, likely some of them were royalty, or famous writers, or something notable like that. Naturally, people really only bother to talk about the few really cool people among the many, that are descended from. Add to those basic mathematics the fact that royalty was notorious for marrying off closely related relatives, and yes, it becomes more likely for someone with one royal ancestor, to actually have many royal ancestors!
So yes, depending on which royal families they are, it could be a bit uncommon, but not amazingly so.
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The Question
I want A Relationship But Every Guy I Meet I Sleep With Him Within The First Two Week's. Then He End's Up Losing interest Within A Couple Week's. I'm Young & want to Date Not Jus Have Sex After A Few Dates But Get To Know A Person & So On..I Think I'm A Who're But I would really like to change that. And Find The Inner Me An Not Jus Club Every Weekend & Party 24/7 . I'm 23 & A Females
The Answer
The idea that there is a right, or wrong time to sleep with someone in a new relationship is bullshit. Seriously. Just accept that. It. Is. Bullshit.
These guys who decided they were no longer interested in you, would have come to that conclusion whether or not you had sex with them. It's about finding a person who is the right match for you - it's not about dragging a guy on for a magical length of time to make him prove he's invested.
You aren't a whore. You are adult women who made choices. If you want to make different choices next time, that's great! You can do that, but don't pretend that waiting some set period of time for sex is the key to a successful relationship.
If you want to find a relationship, you are right that looking at a club on the weekend isn't' really the ideal place. If you are having trouble meeting guys at school, or work, or at clubs and activities, then online dating might be a good way for you to try and find someone who is interested in dating and/or a relationship.
It's not a good idea not to jump into bed with random people. Not because that means they aren't relationship material - some people met and fall in love exactly that way! - but it because it's just not that safe. It's also not a good idea force your relationships to meet random goals like "I can't sleep with you for X length of time." Sleep with someone when you both want too, and it's a choice you are comfortable with. Sometimes, it'll feel like a mistake. Most of the time, your relationship will end. ALL relationships end, until you find the one that doesn't, and then one of you dies. That's how it goes... they all end, until one doesn't.
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The Question
We adopted a Chihuahua/Terrier mix a month and a half ago. (She's 5 months now.) She weighs about 9.5 lbs. She has a double coat, the top coat kind of wiry.. The bottom coat smooth. She still has floppy ears, but they stand up occasionally.
She has pretty big paws, and semi long legs.
Standing up she's about to where my calf is (I'm 5' 7")
I'm thinking she's a Westie Terrier Chihuahua mix, but my mom says she's a Glenn of Imall..
But I don't know.. So what do you think?
The Answer
It's impossible to know which characteristics of which breed a mix will pick up, but since Chihuahuahs are generally 6 or 7 lbs at most, so she's already out-grown that.
Female Westie and Glenn of Imalls are usually around 15 lbs, so if her other parent was a either of those you are probably looking at about that size.
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The Question
There will be a 21 year age gap between us. They won't be a sibling, they'll be like my niece, and they'd see me as an aunt. I want to vomit. I think it's an IVF baby and we're catholic, so I don't see how that works. I have 2 other siblings, were we not good enough for our parents? My mom stereotypes certain people having more kids than they can afford, and says we have money issues (why we never properly take vacations and etc) and that we can't afford a pet's healthcare, but suddenly she adds another human to the mix? I'm beyond pissed. If this happened when I was younger, the more the merrier, but I kind of feel like this new kid is to make up for "mistakes" she had when raising my siblings so I feel hurt and offended. She's a bit materialistic saying this is the most money her and my dad have had and that my older sibling and I were born in a council flat early in their relationship but that's like saying that she had no choice in getting pregnant then, when she did, twice. I already wanted to put off having kids til my 30s and now im close to tears and reconsidering even getting iinto any sort of relationship in the future, much less having kids later. I just feel so grossed out and let down and now it's like I feel my mom will just dump this new child on meto take care of when I have my own activities and life to plan for, so I'll be even more diligent now to leave this house as soon as possible cause I feel like my mom isn't the same mom she was 10 years ago. Even before she announced pregnancy she would just be so different and even earlier today I wondered how I was even born from her and how I grew up in my family. with the whole IVF thing I saw bookmarks on her computer and I knew she had been taking prenatals a year ago but I thought it was just a joke. I had a major panic attack a few weeks ago when I thought I saw an ultrasound til I checked the year and it was just my younger sibling's. But no, now I know it's real and I just feel so let down cause i liked our family as it was. The IVF means she likely got a diff egg cause she's in her late 40s which means the kid will only be a half sibling. And I saw the girl they were considering and she's not even our ethnicity so the kid will look very obviously different from the rest of us as it technically would have a diff mother. Why didn't she just adopt?! I would have been more ok with An adoption than this Frankenstein type stuff. I don't mean to be mean, that's just how I'm feeling right now. God forbid I couldn't have kids natirally one day, if I ever for some reason wanted too then there's plenty of people seeking adoptive families that already exist and need to be loved and cared for. My mom was all happy but she has no large age gaps in her family. I' literally know NO ONE with such a huge gap between their siblings. I feel embarrassed mad and resentful. We won't be able to relate to each other at all. How do I make sense of this? Are there any books on this? I feel extremely unhappy
The Answer
Go speak to a therapist.
You have anger with your mother, and your family, and issues with your own childhood. You should go get some support to handle that, and stop hating an unborn child.
Seriously, your reaction is out of control. It's okay to be angry, but your extreme reaction tells me there must be far more going on here, because why on earth would this cause you to question your own life choices? Why on earth are you fearful that this child will become your responsibility? Why on earth on these the things you are afraid of? And your apparent religious objections are fine beliefs for you to have, but why are you driving yourself to illness over them? These aren't reasonable reactions. These are reactions that are way out of sync with what is actually taking place here.
If you are still living at home, then yes, getting out is probably a good idea. You are 20, you should want to leave your parents house and work on your own life. Your mom having a new baby shouldn't change anything about that plan.
My youngest sibling is 14 years my junior and she's almost 18 years younger than my oldest sibling. Mostly, that's been an awesome thing in our lives. Sure, it was a bit embarrassing when people thought she was my daughter - but that was more funny that anything else. The age difference has meant that sometimes we don't have much in common, but that doesn't mean I love her any less, or like her any less. And I think she'd tell you there are a whole bunch of perks to having adult siblings who are that much older than you.
You are about to have another human being in your family. Even if you hate the situation around that - that other human being deserves respect, not hate. If you can't get that place on your own, then talk to a therapist, because if you can't get your anger under control it wont be your mom's decisions that ruin your happiness with your family, it'll be your own anger that poisons you.
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The Question
For example, when Bradley cooper (40) dated suki Waterhouse (23). People are saying Bradley should go and date a nice woman his age, now. I don't get it. Why is it assumed people the same age would necessarily be right for each other, and that legal adults with age gaps aren't? There are many happy couples with relatively large age gaps. Why are some people so bitter and critical about this? love is love. It doesn't mean the younger girl has "daddy issues" or the older guy is some kind of pedophile, like a lot of people usually stereotype. Personally, I've never really had a good bond with any guy around my age and thus see it likely I'd seek to be with a guy about a decade older than me. a single guy with no kids, it doesn't mean I'm going to be some kind of home wrecker. But if I did get in such a relationship, would I be criticized or pitied? I'd just want to be seen as any other couple, but I don't understand american society's weird unwritten rule.
The Answer
Because of a perceived, and sometimes very real, power imbalance. That's why people have a problem with it.
You aren't wrong. People should stop being so judgy and catty about adults in consensual relationships and there are TONS of kinds of relationships that are subjected to these sorts of derogatory judgements, not just relationships with an age gap.
However, you also aren't entirely right. It's romantic to say age is just a number, but it's not actually. Age is not just an arbitrary number; it’s a solid gauge for life-experience, a loose one for self-awareness. Age can impact what a person's needs and expectations might be from a relationship, it can also impact the kinds of career and financial choices a person wants and needs to make.
Having significantly less life experience can result in a person putting up with abuse or bad behaviour that a more experienced person would not. Having very different needs, expectations or lifestyle and career goals can also make things very difficult. Of course these problems can arise in any relationship, but relationships with significant age gaps are more likely to have those sorts of difficulties, because many of those things are impacted by our age and our stage in life.
Almost every man I dated in my life has been older than me. I don't think I've dating someone less than 9 years my senior since I was 19. I didn't set out to live that way. I don't have problems with guys my own age, but it's just how it worked out for me.
Some of those older guys were great - and some of them sought out younger women for really awful reasons. They wanted to date me because they thought I'd expect less of them, they wanted to date me to impress their friends, or they wanted to date me because woman their own age called them on the nasty, manipulative shit they did, and thought - sometimes correctly - that a younger woman wouldn't have the experience and confidence to walk away from their bad behaviour.
More than a few of the older men I dated were expert manipulators, and took advantage of the fact that I was less experienced than they were and less able to recognize the problems with what they were doing. They talked down to me, took my opinions about my life less seriously than they took their own. I end up accepting, in a lot of these situations, a position of less power in my relationship. I let them call the shots because duh - they were older and smarter! The age difference absolutely came into play in negative ways with a lot of those guys. They were looking for a fun exciting little girl who looked up to them, they weren't looking for a equal partner in life who just happened to be a younger than then.
So yeah. It can totally work out and adults in these sorts of relationships deserve respect! Although there is a lot of unfair judgement out there, people aren't evil to remember there are also people - lots of people - who will use a large age difference create an unhealthy power imbalance. Just the same way it's not evil to point out that the people who do get married at 18, are significantly more likely to experience domestic violence and divorce. Those are things are true. They might not be true for everyone, but they are still generally true, and it's not evil to point them out.
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The Question
I've had my seperators for 5 days tomorrow i get my braces however one fell out about 20 mins ago. Will i still be able to get braces tomorrow?
The Answer
Probably, but your best bet would be to call your dentist and ask.
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The Question
I was wondering.. Is it ok for a 22 year old male to date a 17 year old girl as long as both are alright with it and everything is concentual?
The Answer
It also needs to be legal. In the vast majority of states, a 17 year old can legally consent to date a 22 year old, but there are some states where it is not legal.
If it's not legal, you shouldn't do it, because it could ruin his life entirely to be brought up on any sort of sexual crime charges. That, would not be worth it for either of you.
Assuming it is legal, and you both want to date, you do need to remember that the reason it's even as issue is because age isn't just a number while you are a still a minor. Your age determines what sort of legal rights and powers you have to make choices about your life. It's also play a large part in your expectations and desires from relationship. A healthy 22 year old may very well have a very different idea of what a relationship should be, then a healthy 17 year old does.
It's not a good idea to get into a relationship with someone who has very different expectations than you do. It's also not a good idea to be a in relationship where one person has a lot more power than the other person. Both of those problems are more likely to come up when there is a larger age difference.
Check the age of consent laws in your state - but as I said, there are only a few states where a 22 year old and 17 year old would not be legal - but then remember that just because something is 'okay' doesn't necessarily mean it's a great idea. Keep your eyes open and be smart about the relationships you choose for yourself.
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The Question
My brother is 35 years-old, and for a VERY long time, has fallen into the pattern of dating girls who are superficial and manipulative. He also has a problem where he gets serious VERY quickly and basically allows who he dates to take advantage of him. The excitement of being in a relationship blinds him to the red flags that I see all to clearly. That said, he has been dating a girl for about 2.5 months, she is 26, already divorced, and has already brought some of her things to his apartment and had my brother pay $400 to have someone organize his entire place (not to mention she put up decorations, etc)... obviously it seems a plot to infiltrate his life. When we went out a couple times, her behavior struck me as bizarre- overly high energy, and attention seeking. When we were all in a cab, at one point she put her hand on my brother's mouth and said ,"no one cares what you think." The entire ride, she was spastic, overly high energy, etc. I can see she is superficial, manipulative, and attention seeking. Worst of all, she has my brother convinced that she is not. He likes her a lot, they are very into each other, and it worries me. I need to have a talk with him but do not know how to approach the topic or what I should say. Any advice?
The Answer
Ask questions.
Does your brother recognize that in his past he has allowed himself to be taken advantage of? Does he know that he makes some bad choices before?
If he knows he has a pattern, that's the place to start. Attacking this particular girl wont help you much if he's in the early stages of infatuation with her, but if he is capable of recognizing some of the mistakes he's made in the past, then you can talk about how he may be making those same mistakes right now.
Unfortunately, in the end there isn't much you can do to actually change him. Either he'll figure this shit out or he wont. Nothing you can say is going to magically fix it and you don't want to try to rule over him. The trick is to just be one reasonable voice, and to ask serious, non-judgemental questions. Remember your goal shouldn't be to get rid of this girl tomorrow - that is unrealistic and disrespectful - the goal should be to encourage your brother to make healthier and more mature choices in his love life.
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The Question
How do you respond to something like that when, although you're cool with it, you know that your wife DOES NOT want your daughter to share a birthday with a cousin? She does not want her child to have to share a birthday with another one of her parents' grandchildren. She doesn't want her to have to share her spotlight on her special day.
To be honest, I feel a little sorry for the little squirt (sister in law's baby) because he'll be the son of your father in law's least favorite daughter. His universe already revolves around his oldest daughter and the grandchildren he got from her, so he's probably gonna try to push the new kid out of the spotlight too.
Mother in law's different, but big deal. This new kid is still gonna get shafted and treated like he CHOSE to be born on that day just to steal attention from his cousin. I feel bad for him because this is how I was treated by my family. I was ignored and deprived of attention and affection and I feel bad that my family's gonna do that to someone else. I also do want my daughter to get a chip on her shoulder and think that she's the ONLY one with a right to be treated well on her birthday. Lastly, I don't want this to cause bitter blood between us, the new kid, and his parents.
The Answer
You call your wife on her shit and remind her that the worst thing she can do for everyone is be whiny, resentful and drama-seeking about this.
Yes, sharing a birthday can suck. So can having a birthday during the summer when everyone is away on vacation. Or having your birthday too close to christmas or halloween. Hell, when I was 8, a classmate tragically DIED on my birthday - which obviously sucks for the family way more than me, but it did mean or the rest of my childhood I got to hear "Happy Birthday!... Oh, do you remember Mark? That was so sad." There is a lot about birthdays that can potentially suck. Sharing one with your cousin isn't even close to one of the worst ones.
The truth is your families inappropriate drama is going to exist no matter when this cousin is born. The worst thing and you wife can do, is add fuel to the fire. None of you have any control over this, and whatever does happen, will become your daughter's normal. If you make her normal an excuse for more drama and resentment, that is what it will be.
It sounds like the person you really need to be talking too is your wife. She's got the power to make the best of this, and right now, she sounds like she isn't going to be using her power as a force for good. She sounds like she is going to use her power as a force to continue the worst parts of her family dynamic.
Talk to her. Remind her of the difficulties you faced being on the receiving end of this sort of resentment and favouritism. Remind her not to teach her daughter selfishness, or to limit her daughter's love for her family members based on petter disagreements that began long before she was even born. Remind her that a new generation have a chance to do better then those who came before them.
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The Question
Hello I'm McKenzie and in the 5th Grade. I usually wear comfy clothes, laid back, ect. Which I don't mind wearing. Despite me having a ton of good dressy clothes. But every once in a while I want to look good and I guess care a little more. I'm a tomboy but I don't think it hurts too dress ok every once and a while. But the problem is if you wear comfy clothes at my school your expected to always wear them. If you wear dress clothes you are expected and so on.
And if not your mocked. I don't mind but I usually just wear my regular clothes because I get tired of hearing people say " What are you wearing "!?? .
Then laughing. Even if it was from W-Mart to Prada
Why do you think people laugh when you wear something fancier or more laid back depending?
Even if ITs for the better.?
The Answer
People notice and remark on change. Almost no one is comfortable with change. Most people deal with that discomfort by trying to make you change back. Mockery is a good way to make you change back. Laughing is a common way to deal with being uncomfortable.
It's not just your school. It's everywhere. Adults at work have the same problem. I was 25 when I started wearing makeup while at work, and people commented. No one was really trying to mock me - most people tried to be nice - but still some of the comments were hurtful. On really hot days in the summer I wore skirts, and people commented. I felt some pressure to 'change back' to what they were comfortable with.
All you can do is push through it. Human beings will always be this way. Change will get comments, even mockery. People will questioned change, or not take you seriously if you change something about yourself. Haven't you ever criticized someone for suddenly changing how they present themselves? If you are honest, you'll realize you probably have.
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The Question
My friend asked me if I wanted to try "flakka" when we go clubbing next week. I texted her back that I would tell her then. What is it? Is it alcohol or a drug or something? Have you tried it and if you did should I? Thanks!
The Answer
You shouldn't.
Flakka is a designer drug, in the same family as 'bath-salts', but like any of these street drugs, you can't really be sure what you are putting inside yourself.
People can die on this. It causes intense delusions and hallucinations. It impaired judgement so much that people have gotten themselves killed - and they have also hurt other while delusional.
Don't take flakka. Hell, don't be around someone who has! This shit is not fun, or funny, it could get you and your friends seriously hurt.
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The Question
I apologize in advance, my ordering of events and questions is far cry from perfect. But I try to get necessary information in with the question in proximity. I hope that is an understandable action.
I "met" this girl roughly a year and a half ago, and in the beginning it was a generally good chatting, maybe mild flirting ( I still deny being a flirt, or a good one.) She would send me images of herself(With clothing, always), all the random emoticon, usually pertaining to affection, and similar things. ( Which also occurs now) I had gained feelings for her, but not anything too serious. Then at some point, a lull occurred, and we didn't talk for 5 months.
( This would be a fair time to point out, She is in Romania, and I in America. So this has never been anything physical, solely words and emotion. That sounds cheesy..)
Now, fast forwarding to say the past few weeks, we talk daily most of the time. usually it is me to initiate it, but whenever we start to talk she engages. Now, sometimes she will read what I say, but never reply. This can vary from a serious question to how are you. And after about a day(or less) I will ask what happened and she always gives me a reason, and she is never upset with me saying something again. Is this normal for someone to repeatedly not answer a message for so long?
Now, to focus on the subject a bit more, very recently she had a realization of how much I had grown to care for her. And how she never knew how much I really meant it.(She went through the brief "oh my I didn't know" stage.) In the time since we began speaking again, I had grown a much greater affinity for her, despite the not answering, and the interlacing moments of where she barely replied when she did. Does this seem logical to happen?
Now, the thing that sort of takes the cake, is she made this realization, 5 days after having a new boyfriend.(I was unaware prior.) so, all this time before, she still would show affection, or say some of the ridiculous pet names we'd give another. This raises a question: Does this mean she'd be flirtatious with other guys had we kinda gotten together?(Emotional/status manner, since the distance.) Would this be a girl I should stay interested in? - While in a not so great moment of disagreement, I had asked if she would like me to go, stop talking with her, and she had answered no, that I am special and she doesn't want to lose touch again. I like to believe there is sincerity in that, and to take comfort in it. But not all of her stories have added up. But any of those have mostly been trivial. And I suppose not every single little thing should be answered. I wonder if I am fooling myself to look past those or not.
So, after this extremely long description, I'd like to know your input. Should I keep caring and talking with this girl? Should I let so many things bother me?(Knowing the person you care for has a boyfriend that can and is probably actively putting his hands on her, among other things, is somewhat unsettling. As an example.) Or maybe should I move on?
Simultaneously, I don't want to actively be a bar in her new relationship, as much as that could potentially please me. I don't want to be that type of guy. Things like I see her more active on the social media we talk on, but whenever I say something, it's isn't quickly acknowledged, so I can make the assumption she is talking with him. So I don't want to butt in and become an annoyance while she is talking with him.(Only an assumption)
I feel overall this may be too far, or maybe I am just willing to admit it really does bother me.
Thanks in advance for input! And hopefully not excessive insult with profanity. I am sincere in my questions, and sincerely unsure what to do.
Brian 19/M
Her 17/F
The Answer
This girl is in a relationship with someone else and lives on another continent.
What are you trying to 'earn' with your 'investment'?
If you are only 'investing' in her, in hopes of getting a relationship of some sort in return, or some sort of sexual chatting or pictures, then you need to stop. That is a bad investment and not really respectful expectation of her. There is no real possibility for a relationship here. With your ages, and your distance, it's entirely reasonable for her to seek out romantic connections with people near her. That's not shallow or bad of her. That's just normal and reasonable.
It's okay that's she's met someone, and it's okay that it bothers you, but you are right that you can't do anything about it except decide whether you want to continue this friendship.
If you actually value her as a friend and person in your life, to talk to have an a non-romantic human connection with, then maybe this is still a good investment, but you do have to recognize that the nature of your friendship is probably going to change a bit, and become less intense and have different boundaries, now that she had a boyfriend. It's not fair to blame or judge her for getting excited and invested in a new relationship with someone she can actually hang out with and speak to in person. Cooling it with you is the right thing for her to be doing. If you want to be a friend, you have to accept that being a friend means tolerating your friends excitement about their new relationship, and not expecting boyfriend-level of attention from a person in a relationship with someone else.
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The Question
Of course I hate false rumors. This isn't exactly a rumor.
But anyway have you ever seen someone fake being goth or sad or something for attention? Well most of my school is doing that. I'd like to say first I support homosexuals just not fake ones.
Ok so there was this girl in my elementary school and she was Emo And A Bisexual she finally was excepted.
Then after she turned Bi people who hated homos said they were. Then more and more. Then more people claimed to be Emo. Just because its a stupid craze. I know youll say I don't know them but if you were in my position. Don't tell me I don't know its fake because 99 percent of a school doesn't turn homo in a day. Its not homosexuals I disapprove of its the fakeness.
So I just have to listen to everyone say how sad or depressed they are.
I don't know if I should or how I'll tell them That your fake and stuff.
Which is unusual because anyone who knows me can tell you I don't sugarcoat things or care do call you out in something or call out a faker.
Any advice?
The Answer
You don't have to like people.
But calling them fake is mean. It doesn't matter if you are right or not. It's mean-spirited, it's petty, and you might actually really, really hurt someone if you are wrong. It's not worth it to be an asshole about this.
You don't have to like these people! But you do have to not be a asshole.
If you don't want to listen to people go on about being depressed or emo, then leave the conversation. These aren't good friends for you if you have zero respect for what they are saying. Don't attack them or call them fake. You have no right to do that - people will think you are an asshole and they'll be right - but you do have a right to walk away from people or conversations that you don't want to be a part of.
There is no polite or appropriate way to call someone out for faking things like their style or sexual orientation. Calling someone a fake when it comes to deeply personal things like that will ALWAYS make you an asshole.
If you don't want to be someone's friend, walk away from them and don't be their friends, but don't attack them. There is a lot of space between 'not sugarcoating' something and being a total dick. If you are trying to find ways to call out people, or insult them, or call them fake, then you have crossed the line into 'being a dick'. Pull yourself back and just don't be friends with people you don't want to be friends with.
You are not the Fake Police. It is not your job, or your right, to make the rules or pass judgement about what is emo or what is depressed or what is sufficiently homosexual to qualify. If you act like you have that right, you'll be acting like an asshole. People will not respond well to that. The right you do have, is to select the people you want to be friends with, and not be friends with the ones you don't. That's all the power you are entitled too.
/// Mckenzie - If you want to be an advocate for people suffering with depression, that's great! But a lot of people who do suffer from depression will tell you how hard it is to get people to believe them, and how often they were insulted or told they were lying about their depression.
Depression can strike anyone. Even people who seem to have it all, or people who don't seem to have big problems. Depression isn't just something that happens because you are having a rough life - it can happen even when everything is going great for a person.
Right now, you are one of those people who are keeping truly depressed people silent and ashamed, for fear of being judged by people just like you. For fear of being told they have no right to feel the way they do. Right now, you are not being part of the solution or helping people who are really hurting. You are being part of the problem. You are being just as much, if not more, a part of the problem then the fakers, because your judgement and anger will silence and shame people who are truly depressed.
Your attitude in this question is the exact opposite of standing up for people who are suffering from mental illness. Your attitude above is an asshole attitude. If you want to make positive change for people who are really struggling, you have to start by being respectful of all people, and stop pretending you are an authority on the subject of who is REALLY depressed, or gay, or whatever, and who isn't. You can help educate people about how to handle depression, or where to turn for help. Those are positive, non-asshole things you can do to help people. Calling out people you think are fakers doesn't help anyone and hurts and shames people who most need help and support. ///
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The Question
There is a movie called "Duff" and someone texted one of my friends and called someone else that, like it was a thing but neither one of us knows what she meant by "Duff." Help?
The Answer
It means "Designated Ugly Fat Friend". It's very, very mean name-calling.
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