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Fear of Judgement
So I have been married to my husband for 6 years together for almost 10 years. It is safe to say him and I have more or less come to a mostly great way of living our lives together. We understand each others faults and know how to deal with them (for the most part). We discuss every problem we have thoroughly and are very open. I love him very much!
Now I haven't had a really good friend who is female in a very long time. Now I started to feel a very strong connection with a girl and I considered her my best friend. She is 19 and is fairly naive (not to mention she broke up with her manipulative boyfriend a few months ago). She has also been very good friends with my husband to the point where he would consider her his best friend to.
Her and my husband have started to have a hard time communicating lately. It often seems like she is hostile to him. There is a reason that she started acting this way but that is too long a story. One day she starts in on me about how he is manipulating me into certain things and frankly insulted his fathering skills (we have two children). She said she is my best friend and can see that he is hurting me because she lives with us (before this altercation she wasn't home at all that week). I looked at her and calmly said she was judging our relationship and I did not appreciate it. She said she didn't think she was. She learned her lesson that her opinion was not necessary. I told her that I have been with him for ten years and I don't think I should have to defend our relationship to her especially when she really knows very little about us. I have dealt with defending this relationship to my whole family and my past best friend. I got to the point with my ex best friend that I could no longer defend my relationship to her and things were never the same. I thought she knew us a lot better than she showed me that day and that kinda crushed me. I learned I cant talk to anyone in depth about my feelings with anyone but my husband because they will all end up judging us in the end.
So here is the real problem. Ever since this occurred I have had horrible anxiety and depression off and on. I have determined I am having these issues because I am scared not only of her judging me but that everyone around me is also judging me. I have been having problems not being confident in my relationship with my husband. I have been feeling like we aren't communicating well right now. Like I am seeing those little things I have grown to live with and sometimes to love in him. She screwed with my confidence and I am often scared to talk in front of others...scared to be judged or that I will say something stupid. I am trying very hard to not feel and act this way and sometimes it works but I am sick of this pain in my chest from the anxiety and sick of double guessing things I say and do. Please help me fix this before I have to kick her out of my house for bringing me so much negativity.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
First: Get that child-women out of your house. She is not only ungrateful she is toxic to your relationship with your husband.
Second: I do see the need for therapy but only to find out why or what other people see in your relationship with your husband you do not. If you are truly happy in your relationship that is one thing. But it sounds a bit as is you have accustomed yourself to living by his set of rules or standards. This is not fine. Marriage is a 50/50 deal. Each gives some to each other and learns to live together and when children come along they work as a team.
I am not saying anything is wrong in your marriage. In my marriage my wife is my best friend and as much as I ask her not to she always will put me first unless it has something to do with our son. Then he comes first and that is the way it should be or at least it is how I feel it should be.
If your husband is working and his company supplies health insurance. It is a good bet they also have an EAP program, Employee Assistance Program. This offers help with a variety of problems one of which is free therapy sessions, the number varies by program. Call the human resource department of your husbands company and get the number for the EAP line. Then call them and ask for a number for a psychologist in your area that works with them.
You probably only need a few sessions with the psychologist to get these thoughts that have crept into your mind resolved. Once properly resolved life can return to normal for you and your husband.
The visits are usually free and what is said in therapy is totally confidential. No one but you and the therapist will ever know what has been said. There is no reason to be depressed or to question yourself if there is help available. Check to see if your husbands, or your company if you work outside your home, offers and EAP program.
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I should have said that there are certain things I can't talk about with others. Such as issues with my husband. Any little complaint to my friends about my husband sends her into thinking these things. The reason I am on here is because I cannot afford therapy. I'm not meaning to let her have this hold on me....my sub conscious has been doing that. Your right though she knows nothing of what its like to be in a relationship that long. She has been causing so much drama in my house which is why I would consider kicking her out not just this instance. I have had too many experiences with people seeing my husband in a bad light just because I vented a little to a friend. So no I'm not going to rely on mY friends to hear me vent anymore. I cause people to see him in a bad light and I've done it too many rimes to continue it.
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Therapy.
She's nineteen years old! She shouldn't have this sort of power over you. What the hell doesn't she know about being being a partner for 10+ years? Nothing.
So go to therapy, and frankly, while you are there, talk about the way you have isolated yourself from those who are critical of your husband. That's not a healthy way to deal with people who tell you things you don't want to hear. You need to find a way to recognize that people may disagree with you, or dislike some of your choices, while still loving and respecting you.
You deserve - and need - friendship and support in your life besides your husband. You should speak to a therapist about your anxiety, but also about managing your relationships with others with more confidence and respect. You are tossing a lot of away out of the desire to 'defend' your marriage. That's not a healthy approach for your own mental health, or for your marriage. If you become entirely dependant on your husband for emotional support and friendship, that's not a solid situation to be in for either of you. That's a lot to put on one person, and that unfair limit to put on yourself.
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