Member Since: April 14, 2015
Answers: 2
Last Update: April 15, 2015
Visitors: 628
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So I have been married to my husband for 6 years together for almost 10 years. It is safe to say him and I have more or less come to a mostly great way of living our lives together. We understand each others faults and know how to deal with them (for the most part). We discuss every problem we have thoroughly and are very open. I love him very much!
Now I haven't had a really good friend who is female in a very long time. Now I started to feel a very strong connection with a girl and I considered her my best friend. She is 19 and is fairly naive (not to mention she broke up with her manipulative boyfriend a few months ago). She has also been very good friends with my husband to the point where he would consider her his best friend to.
Her and my husband have started to have a hard time communicating lately. It often seems like she is hostile to him. There is a reason that she started acting this way but that is too long a story. One day she starts in on me about how he is manipulating me into certain things and frankly insulted his fathering skills (we have two children). She said she is my best friend and can see that he is hurting me because she lives with us (before this altercation she wasn't home at all that week). I looked at her and calmly said she was judging our relationship and I did not appreciate it. She said she didn't think she was. She learned her lesson that her opinion was not necessary. I told her that I have been with him for ten years and I don't think I should have to defend our relationship to her especially when she really knows very little about us. I have dealt with defending this relationship to my whole family and my past best friend. I got to the point with my ex best friend that I could no longer defend my relationship to her and things were never the same. I thought she knew us a lot better than she showed me that day and that kinda crushed me. I learned I cant talk to anyone in depth about my feelings with anyone but my husband because they will all end up judging us in the end.
So here is the real problem. Ever since this occurred I have had horrible anxiety and depression off and on. I have determined I am having these issues because I am scared not only of her judging me but that everyone around me is also judging me. I have been having problems not being confident in my relationship with my husband. I have been feeling like we aren't communicating well right now. Like I am seeing those little things I have grown to live with and sometimes to love in him. She screwed with my confidence and I am often scared to talk in front of others...scared to be judged or that I will say something stupid. I am trying very hard to not feel and act this way and sometimes it works but I am sick of this pain in my chest from the anxiety and sick of double guessing things I say and do. Please help me fix this before I have to kick her out of my house for bringing me so much negativity. (link)
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I should have said that there are certain things I can't talk about with others. Such as issues with my husband. Any little complaint to my friends about my husband sends her into thinking these things. The reason I am on here is because I cannot afford therapy. I'm not meaning to let her have this hold on me....my sub conscious has been doing that. Your right though she knows nothing of what its like to be in a relationship that long. She has been causing so much drama in my house which is why I would consider kicking her out not just this instance. I have had too many experiences with people seeing my husband in a bad light just because I vented a little to a friend. So no I'm not going to rely on mY friends to hear me vent anymore. I cause people to see him in a bad light and I've done it too many rimes to continue it.
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My boyfriend and I have been on and off but lately things have been well for us and I couldn't be ever more thankful that we have stopped arguing and tried to get to some common ground. Although, deep down, I can feel another fight coming, though I definitely don't want it to happen. The last time we talked to each other about our feelings and confronted each other on our problems, he told me something that just resonated and wouldn't leave my mind. When we first started becoming serious, and even when I was for sure serious about him, I remember that there was time where on social media, he would try to follow almost every girl he knew and would constantly like their pictures. I knew through people telling me and things I saw for myself. All of that hurt deep down knowing he was telling me one thing but was trying to get attention from other girls. Today, he doesn't really do it but I remember from our night's discussion that he told me whenever he was with his ex, he would think about being with other girls physically. He told me this because he was trying to say that he never feels that way with me. Of course after he mentioned it, I remember those times we were talking when I saw that same behavior from him. Now, I guess we are more serious but my question is, why does it bother me so much? I do trust him now but I'm scared if things go bad, what if he turns back to this behavior. It would hurt so much.
It also bothers me that he's had about 5 girlfriends in the past and he told me about some of the hookups he had too. I know its not a competition but I've had only one boyfriend in the past so... I don't know, it makes me a little insecure. How do I get over this? (link)
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You must just talk to him. Tell him your fears, concerns and insecurities. If you are really meant to be you both will listen to the worries of the other. It may get heated because he may think you don't trust him but remember to specify that this is a worry about future relationship. What I would do is tell him that if he does feel like he is starting to be interested in other girls its only fair to tell you. I am pretty sure by your question that you are monogamous and would not be willing to share but if he is vocal with you, you may be able to leave your relationship on a positive note. Make sure he knows now that you are monogamous so if he ever feels like he wants that that it may not work. But that doesn't mean the relationship now is hurt. Enjoy your relationship while it lasts because if your always worried about the future you aren't living in the present.
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